Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting whorls on the list. Can we also nix the word “nubbin,” please?

Um, I’m with you on most of these (although I’ll admit to having used quite a few of them here and there), what’s wrong with “tits”?  Should we refer to them in more mature language, such as “boobies”?  Just wondering what’s the reasoning behind that one…

Well, IMO “tits” is a words hollered by drunk frat boys. And if someone compliments me on my great tits?
They? Are getting a knee to the crotch.

Oh, and for erotic romance, unless you are writing a historical (and even then, please think carefully!) please do not use the word “cunny”. It makes me think of cunning. And then I just wonder what that devious pussy is up to.
And clitty? NO. Clit is enough of an abbreviation. Please do not give it a pet name.

And for the heroines? Please whimper sparingly. Else I will get up to check if my dog needs to go out.

At this point if someone complimented me on my great tits, I’d probably hump his leg.

It is, however, a very guy word, so if I’m deep in his POV, I’d be more apt to use it than breasts, and definitely more than boobies. *g*

And my editor says I use excessive commas.  *blushing oops face*

I had almost recovered from “whorls” when I read further and saw “love grotto” - wow.  By all that is good and decent on this earth, anyone using, or tempted to use, “love grotto” needs to stop.  Just stop.  That’s hideous.  And the visual image that conjures up?”  I repeat, stop.

Now I am off the do a find/replace for “grotto” and whorls” in my current book…

*Such* a great list.  You hit on nearly every one of the love scene cliches that make me cringe.  I’d also like to add in any use of the word “melding,” and “bud” as a euphemism for clitoris.  I know it can be a difficult word to spell—that’s why God invented dictionary.com.

and he guided the purpled staff of his manroot into her grotto of love - I’m quite sure I read this in a certain romance author’s book (the second and last try I gave her books) only I think she said, “perfumed garden of love” this after she described a threesome and a graphic anal scene. Sigh.

But I must steal the punch in the crotch bit, I promise I’ll attribute it to you. Because it makes me giggle.

Weeping vaginas make me think “eek, she’s got to see her gyno!” not very romantic. And what is it with the excessive description of genetalia emitting fluids anyway? THAT makes me want to punch people in their weeping, raining, gushing crotches. Eww, now I’ve grossed myself out.

Well, like Shannon, I think of tits as a “guy word,” and wouldn’t have a problem using it in the guy’s POV.

But as for the rest of them… I have suddenly been struck by a perverse desire to rewrite my current WIP using as many of these words and phrases as possible. Must… resist… lexicon… of eeeeevil…

* Pebbled nubbins or nubs
* dripping honeypot (as if honeypot wasn’t bad enough, but for it to be dripping—have mercy—get that chick a towel and call 911)
* Any jumping phallic phrase: cock jumped, lurched, lunged, etc. (I call this jumping cock syndrome and it must stop.)
* referring to her vagina as a “velveteen pouch”. I’ve seen this one time and that was one time too many.

That’s all I can think of for now. I’m sure there are more….

-Mel

I’m right with you about nub, nubbin & bud. Ditto strawberry or raspberry nipples. Tits & whorls don’t bother me though.

My question is, why do virgins freak out at their first sight of the hero’s humongous penis & ask/think, “OMG, you won’t fit! You’re too big!” 

I’m with you on the weeping, dripping rainy honeypot lovegarden- get thee to a GYN. Pronto. And take your stupid scene with you.

No “dewy cleft.” It sounds like a geological formation glimpsed on a sightseeing trip in the early morning hours.

“Sumptuous” or “opulent” may not be used in combination with “curves,” though one reference may be permitted, per fictional work, when describing to interior decoration. Even then, one would hope the writer would try a little harder & not drag out those shopworn adjectives.

I am, however, sympathetic about the problem the historical author faces when trying to write through the viewpoint of a character who knows that the clitoris exists, and what it does, but has not learned the full, formal, classically derived term for that part of her anatomy. Particularly since there are still contemporary males who believe the word sounds familiar but are in denial about its importance and not real clear on its exact location. So I don’t expect historical heroines to be able to use all the right “v” words for each subsection of the female anatomy.

The gauntlet has been thrown down and now ... I must write a book with ALL of these no-no’s.

Loin. I banish the word loin except in reference to a haunch of meat on a plate. Use groin if you must (but only if you must), but NEVER loin (or loins). I’m begging you.

And I’m so with you that body parts should not drip, weep, or gush (get thee to a doctor, pronto!).

As for clitoris, I know it dates from the early 1600s, but it just doesn’t sound right in an historical setting. What words/terms do the rest of you recommend for a hot historical?

What happened to “lave”?

Yearning? What’s wrong with that? I was desperately yearning for a Dyson vacuum until last week when I got my Christmas present early. Now I am sated. Oh, yeah. It’s The Ball, people.

I toooootally agree on the weeping/dripping pussy. Gaa.

Tonda,

I’m with you on the historical use of clitoris. It’s a hard one. (Pah-hahaha) Nubbin absolutely kills me though. Nice comic relief. I’ve definitely used nub.

I agree with Robyn—no more nubbin! No hidden pearl of desire, either. Oh, and no referring to the penis as a hard knob. That one made me wonder if the author had only used plastic dildos or something.

I’m definitely over the whole “sopping” business, too. When I hear that the heroine has sopping underlinen, arousal’s not the cause that comes to mind.

Funny thing about “lave,” Stephen. It seems to have been replaced by “lathe” (Ow!!)—at least in some authors’ books. And once it’s on the printed page, those who are too lazy to consult a dictionary assume it must be acceptable usage.

Death to nubs, nubbins, laving, jointure, junction (oh yeah, baby, the train’s gonna steam into the junction, hooo hooo), and excessive drippy effects.

I did some research to try and find an acceptable non-Latin word for the clitoris. There isn’t one. After all, women have known it’s there and what it’s for, so therefore it doesn’t need a name. Guys, however, have a tendency to ignore it, so why bother to give it a pet name? In German there’s a slang word that dates (I think) from the 18c and translates literally as “tickler.” And I think that’s sorta cute. Maybe, just maybe, you could get away with it in a historical (which is what I write).

And who was it who had a hard-on about “cunny”? It’s a lovely word related to both “rabbit” (and you know what they’re good at) and “queen.” But again, only in historicals.

Throw off your tired old cliches, I say. Thanks, bitches.

Personally, when my hero thinks of the heroine’s breasts, he calls them tits.  Because it sounds better than boobs, or rack, which is the other alternative.  But maybe that’s just me and my own juvenile, earthy attitude towards sex.  I’m also guilty of whorls of hair (but fine, I’ll go delete it from my WIP), and I think one draft of something had the hero having gut wrenching orgasm.  But I had a typo and it actually read, “but wrenching orgasm.”  which makes me giggle again six months later.

And nubbin… when I was in college a couple of my guy friends (frat boys) came over and were reading through one of my books.  Thereafter, whenever they saw me they’d greet me with, “Hey Jami, how’s your nubbin?”

And I almost forgot - no “curly nests” or thickets when describing pubic hair, and definitely do not describe tongues delving into or parting either of the above.

I’m not a big fan of “fur” in reference to her hero’s chest and/or pubic hair and likewise I’m not too fond of thatch, particularly a “silken thatch.”  What the hell is that?  Ditto for silken nest.  I just picture magpies looking for a place to roost.  Let’s keep the animals in the zoo, shall we?

Yeah, I’d forgotten about the nest, thicket, thatch, fur theme. Combined with weeping genetalia- gross.

I agree with Stephen though- lave is fine, as is loin although I agree loin makes me think of food not sex.

Oh & Ferfe, if you manage to cram it all into a book let us know it’d be great fun.

All in all, an excellent list, but…

I’m with Ellen and Shannon on the “tits” issue—maybe not in a love scene, but in a guy’s head? At least in SOME guys’ heads? They’re callin’ ‘em tits. And if they say they aren’t? They’re lying.

And the “clitoris” versus “anything else” issue…I’m writing a Medieval, circa 1400. The word “clitoris” wasn’t in common usage. I hafta use SOMETHING. Suggestions?

I’m going to take a brave stand here on behalf of romance writers everywhere—especially the historical romance writers—and say loudly and proudly, “You can use any word if you’re a good enough writer to make it work in that scene and not take the reader out of the moment.”

There.  Hurl your brickbats, I’m ready.

Just a line: I agree wholeheartedly with Darlene.

If the writer is good enough, I won’t notice the actual words used.

Well, okay - two lines.

I read one book in which the author kept referring to the hero’s “rampant member.”  Repeatedly.  And there were a lot of sex scenes.  Now I think I’ve seen this elsewhere, so perhaps if I OED rampant might be (or might have been) some sort of synonym for erect, but I kept thinking of the phrase “running rampant.”  Which in turn gave me this visual of a little cock and balls running around, all willy-nilly.
Took me right out of the story.  That phrase definitely bugs.

Oops, didn’t preview.  I meant to say check the OED, Oxford English Dictionary.

Re: the tits issue: it’s definitely a case of it being used in a love scene. That’s true for the whole list of words, really. I dunno, it’s sort of like using “jizz” in the same context. If a friend of mine used that word in conversation, I wouldn’t blink. Well, I might, depending on the context. I wouldn’t blink if I found it in porn. But it in a romance novel, during a love scene? Jarring.

And I don’t care HOW good an author is, if I see “dance as old as time” and/or “love grotto” and/or “quivering orbs,” I’m gonna feel like crotch-punching somebody. There are degrees and then degrees of offence.

This is hilarous.  Here’s mine:
*rampant maleness
*jumped playful - it is not a puppy
*dewy petals - in fact, everything foral has got to go
*velvet tunnel - mould any one?
*pouting nether lips - I’ve come across this from more than one author.

re: the “dance as old as time” bit.  it’s actually OLDER than time, since humans had been reproducing for MANY, many generations before they invented measuring devices for the artificial construct called ‘time’.  Just my $0.02CAD

Now I can’t get a certain image out of my head. Thanks for the nightmares, Devon.

Do so many things really have to be “silken”?  Or “throbbing”?  Do there have to be quite so many “pinnacles”?  And what’s with all the “tight passage” stuff?  Isn’t a passage something you pass through and exit out the other side?  Ouch.  I could do with a few less trembling lips and sobs too.  And along with “mounds”, I’m not thrilled with “globes”, especially if they’re topped with “rosebuds”.

After cackling my head off, I need to say a couple of things:

1) “Manroot.”  No. Never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever never ever use that.  Please. Unless you want to permanently imbed the image of a turnip in the reader’s mind.  If I see that used in a sex scene, my mind’s eye is seared with PAIN for the rest of the chapter at least.

2) “Tits” is something that may be used in a contemporary romance, maybe not in a a sex scene but to show a male pov at some point.

3) Weeping or otherwise raining moisture genitalia, and dewy clefts are just so fake as metaphors that they not only make me giggle and throw me out of the scene but they actually make me sad—not because I start imagining lichen-overgrown caves but because I immediately think the author had used a particularly lame cliche.  I think the occurence of “dewy clefts” is what perpetuates the “romance is crap” notion.

I’ve been on the Internet too long. I’m afraid that any reference to ‘gushing’ netherparts simply pulls up a mental image of ‘tubgirl’.

At your own risk, you can look her up on Encyclopedia Dramatica if you don’t already know - replace Main_Page with Tubgirl in the link below. I’m not even going to post that link here, it’s so beyond NWS.

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Main_Page

Anything to do with making nipples out to be huge bulbous things.  Pennies, rosebuds the whole bit.

No manroot.  Back when I was starting romance I really did get a visual of a vegetable.  I can handle staff (although now I’m thinking of the infection), manhood, arousal and such.

There are 4 eye colors.  Blue, green, hazel and brown.  I have never met anyone with violet eyes.

On that note, I actually enjoy, husky voices, gut wrenching orgasm and yearning.  As long as a body part is not yearning.  eg. his cock yearned to enter the love grotto.  No.  Oh and no yearning lips.  Okay, I fold on yearning - you’re right.

Everyone has already covered the weeping vagina but egads, wrong.  Just wrong.

Whenever I see ‘dance as old as time’ I know someone had writers block.  Had to.  Again, wrong.  ‘And then the mating ritual, honed through eons of time was begun’ - yeah, I suck but even that is better than ‘dance as old as time’.

CindyS

I do agree with Darlene, that for a lot of these words, it’s the author’s skill that makes them either acceptable or horrific.

But boy, do some of these words give me strange visuals.  Somebody really ought to Photoshop some pix.  Like the produce couple—her with raspberry nipples on apple breasts, peach-shaped butt and a pussy like a ripe plum (split, I’m assuming, because otherwise…), him with his manroot, which I always picture as one of those big white radishes, and more plums, or walnuts.

I object to “heaving bosom,” mostly because my bosom? Has never heaved. No matter how turned on or out of breath or scared I’ve been. Geez.

Also, “waist so tiny he could span it with his hands.”  Come oooonnnnnnn. The largest-handed man I know who isn’t Shaq only has a 16-inch handspan. What woman has a 16-inch waist who doesn’t look like a 12 year old? And all these 16-inch-waisted women are allegedly average height, if their heads come to the hero’s shoulders.

Oh. Soni.

Oh. God help us all.

Bleargh.

“Rampant” is, I believe, a heraldic term which describes creatures that have reared up on their hind legs. So I wouldn’t mind seeing it in a medieval romance, but I agree, it’s been overused and the author would have to put a spin on it to “make it new.”

As I’ve said before, I have a problem with “manroot,” mainly because I picture a mandragora or mandrake plant—the plant that screamed in pain when it was uprooted. This is not an image that I want in my head during a tender love scene.

I want to add that I’d accept some of these Romance descriptive Word “macros” if they were used in a really knowing, campy way. Sometimes, it’s im the delivery.

Okay, I am suffering from gut wrenching laughter…

My two biggest issues are

1. Nether lips. If you’re using Middle English to describe a body part, you’ve got a problem.

2. Dip, as in “Dip his manroot”. Oy! Are we checking the oil here or having sex?

In addition to the dodgy food/fruit/fabric/liquid metaphors already mentioned, the following expressions need to go:

Raven-haired
Lithe motion
Slim but well-curved (whether an oxymoron or plastic-boobed supermodel-alike heroine, neither is good)
Rippling muscles…
...over bronzed skin
The endearment “little one” (not big, not clever)
Hair-roughened skin (unless we speak of the Amazing Poser Hedgehog Man)
Violent tremors (too seismic)

Tender flesh. Flesh is a really over-used noun and tender flesh just makes me think of roast chicken. Scoring tender flesh is what you do prior to dumping it in marinade.

Rock wall of his chest. Twenty years on it still creeps in… good grief, why not just hand patronising critics a big pointy stick and hold an arrow over our nether cheeks?

Sandalwood-scented heroes. Granted, it’s a nice smell but its recent ubiquity is beginning to make me think that all these whiffy guys hang out in incense-laden hippy cafes in their down-time. And that brings to mind shaggy afghan coats and beading. Despite the efforts of those writers whose books passionately embrace the word “savage” and race off with it to new verbal frontiers, this is not romantic. Therefore from now on these redolent heroes should be limited to one per author. (see? I can be nice)

Would love a moratorium on many of the words that contain the spelling “gu”+ vowel. Words like rogue, beguile, languor, anguish, unguent, intrigue, fatigue, sanguine, jaguar and derivatives thereof. Tongue is okay since there aren’t any good alternatives. Yes, they look very evocative, but they’re just so easily overdone. For writers hopelessly in the grip of addiction to this particular orthographic tic, here are some other options: iguana, dengue, meringue, penguin. (Perhaps FerfeLaBat’s book could be entitled “Dengue Night of the Savage Meringue Iguana”?)

Portals are never the entrance to a person’s bedroom unless they are the pope.

Curiosity has killed me.

Why, oh why do I have to be such a curious monkey. 

Soni, I may never forgive you.  I was expecting a fun cartoon.  Blergh.

*gag*

CindyS

Oh my. Tubgirl has been invoked. I’m not sure anything or anyone can top that.

Hooray for the Internet.

Excellent lists all around! And:

“Portals are never the entrance to a person’s bedroom unless they are the pope.”

And similarly, portals are never an entrance to a person’s orifice.

Unless they are the pope.

*ba-dum-tish*

Ahhhh, come ON! That was a gimme! I HAD TO TAKE IT!

agreed.  CindyS.  Why did I go there.  Soni, that was not enough warning.  I blame you for my deteriorating mental state.

I wouldn’t want to see rampant member outside an historical, but as “rampant” means rearing (and in heraldry, often depicts a rearing animal with a hard on) I’ve got no problem with a hero with a rampant member (though none of mine has had one to date).

As for the old Dance as old as Time, am I the only one that can’t help but see Disney’s Beauty and the Beast ballroom scene and hear Angela Lansbury singing “Tale as old as time, Song as old as rhyme, Beauty and the Beast”?

“portals are never an entrance to a person’s orifice”

...portals? ...or petals?

And thus we come full circle. But I have surely read “his manhood knocked at the portal of her desire”, or some such phrase so big points to Candy. Ain’t love a beautiful thing?

BTW just how bad (ie non-work-safe) is tubgirl? Am I going to have to check this out anonymously at some internet cafe in Soho to avoid arrest?

I have edited so many uses of “lathe” for “lave” that my nipples are ready to fall off in sympathy.

Oh, and let’s not forget saliva drying (or shining) on skin. I’ve seen that Many-O-Time. I think the sensory image the author is trying to conjure is that of the cool air on the wet skin, but…ick.

Oh, EAP. It is BAD. Please, for the love of your retinas, jog and psyche, DO NOT LOOK.

Crap! The above should read: Retinas, JOB and psyche…

Well that settles it. Now compelled to satisfy curiousity in ce soir at Smutty Mike’s “european” dvd, martial (sic) aids and internet emporium in big hat to conceal screen, identity and blushes. May even look for a novelty nubbin-lather. Hope I don’t run into the ex.

Apropos those narrow-waisted, big-boobed, tiny-bottomed heroines: it really riles me when the author (usually disguised as a French maid or dressmaker) smugly points out that “oo-la-la Madamoiselle, you do not even require ze corsette to look simply enchanté in ze fashions of ze day.”

i can only think of one that is really objectionable to me right now and that is *pussy fur* It was used in a historical and every time the hero asked the heroine to shave her pussy fur or talked about pussy fur, I wanted to shred something.

I will concur with the others who said some of the things you listed depend on the skill with which they’re delivered. You specifically targeted “huskily” but some people would object to adverbs of any nature, not just that one in particular. 

And Ellen? Please…noooooo ;)

I read a book once where the penis was referred to as a “glowing wand” - but since the guy was wearing one of those glow-in-the-dark condoms I thought it more funny than annoying.

I think pussy fur just broke me.

Eep!

I’m surprised no one has mentioned “turgid tumescence.” Oh, and breasts that “ache” and “swell” and generally makes me think of pregnancy boobs.  I also don’t like mound, sheath, rod, shaft, or staff.

*At this point if someone complimented me on my great tits, I’d probably hump his leg.*

OMG!  Thanks, Shannon.  It’s been a seriously shitty past couple of days - so I came where I always know I can laugh - and I about rolled out of my chair.  HaHaHaHaHa!!!!!

I just wanna know - how can a woman with size Bs, sag?  It is SO unfair!  I should have kept nursing the last baby - so what she’s 19?

And all of you are making me hiccup - THIS is exactly why I can’t write love scenes for squat.  Any euphemism I come up with makes me laugh.  If I write it how I see it - which is realistic, it’s not ‘romantic’ enough.

Hey, here’s an idea - come here and say what you DO like to see in a love scene.

And whoever posted the link to tubgirl - I want to send you a fruitcake.  That was, bar none, the most ghastly, disgusting thing I’ve EVER seen.  EVER!!!

Dear Lord—I looked. I wasn’t going to look—I had refrained from looking. But then everyone who looked kept saying it was ghastly and I just couldn’t imagine how anything called “tubgirl” could be that bad.

So, I looked at tubgirl.

Now, I’m trying desperately to poke out my mind’s eye as the image has been burned there. And probably permanently.

I need a medic.

Okay, I definitely need more caffeine.

Cliches suck. Unfortunately, perhaps because of it’s long history of being controlled by puritanical types, the English language does not have a lot of words for male and female genitalia that aren’t considered crude.

This isn’t a big problem if you aren’t writing sex scenes that are terribly graphic. If you are, however, you can get brain strain trying to both convey mood AND describe action AND not use terms that are either overly florid or overly clinical.

Does that excuse those writers who take the easy way out and use the standard romance cliches? Never. But I have to point out that so far no one has suggested an alternative for “clit” suitable for a historical. Or, for that matter, for any other book where the author would prefer not to use it.

Ditto for describing orgasms, keeping in mind that the point is not a medical report but an emotional engagement of the reader. And keep in mind I don’t disagree with ANY of the examples listed—especially those that suggest a need for medical attention.

Criticizing is easy. Doing is hard. :-)

That said, however, don’t entirely blame the writers. I know for a fact there are publishers, especially of erotic romance, who won’t accept anything less than drenched panties and pouting nether lips.

Now, my personal favorite is the Caucasian virgin who is described as having “huge brown nipples.” Yeah. Okay.

As for violet eyes, I have two words: Elizabeth Taylor.

Is it impertinent for me to suggest that the Lexicon of Eeeeeeevil be joined forever and forever with that list of lists, 15 Things that Only Happen in Romance (even though it turned out to be like, a hundred)?  Honestly, in what other genre would one find a furry pussy?  Any and all animal studies not withstanding.

It could be called “The Lexicon of Eeeeeevil Things that Only Happen in Romance or Animal Husbandry.”

Yea!  I’m so tired of reading about the hero ‘parting her dewy petals’.  Absolutely fabulous list of “What not to use”.

I think we need to start a list for more contemporary books too.  For example, I was reading a book that was going very well, great dialog, hot imagry, etc… until the author used the phrase “chocolate starfish” in one of her sex scenes. That killed the rest of book.  I still crack up when I think about it.  And while I’m on that subject - does anyones else have a problem when that orifice is described as “winking”? WTF?

What do you think?  Worthy of a new list?

Gari

Does anyones else have a problem when that orifice is described as “winking”?

Anyone else blinding by the memory of the singing asshole in Fink Flamingos?

Pink Flamingos. PINK!!!

No more typing for me today! That should have read:

Anyone else BLINDED by the memory of the singing asshole in PINK Flamingos.

Grrrrrrrr.

No more innocence here.

Tubgirl: eeeeeeeeeeeeeevilllll!!!!

okay, can someone please give some clue about tubgirl?  I’m dying of curiosity, but am terrified of scarring my brain.

Just posting to say that when I visited the home page it said, Comments (69)

Heh heh. sixty-nine.

(Course now mine is number 70 and I killed the joke.)

Mother of God - stop talking about it!!!  I was just getting to mere nausea - now I’m back to Hurl in a Hurry.

Shannon - get back in here and talk about tits, willya?

Tubgirl. Oh. My. God. I just had to look… Whyohwhyohwhy? I think I’m scarred for life.

Who on earth says to his flatmate over the breakfast cornflakes, “Y’know, our lives need a bit of spicing up. How ‘bout we combine our somewhat mundane hobbies of nude photography and diy enemas to come up with something really fun and unique! Isn’t your downstairs neighbour that female contortionist who isn’t at all squeamish? She can come too!”

(hope that’s enough of a hint - am really trying very hard not to mentally dwell on the subject)

But not too scarred to note the use of the phrase “her hot, moist place” during my commute read. Ah… That would be the armpit, right? It’s where his fingers worked their magic, so probably not the sauna. Unless it was coin-operated.

Tubgirl. *inhales mightily in an attempt to contain vomitous impulse*

Don’t do it. Find a safe place stocked with unexpired canned goods and stay there until that storm has blown over.

DON’T DO IT.  Wear sweatshirts with macramé and tapered jeans with elastic waists.  Even those horrors are better than tubgirl.  You’ll go blind.

Thank you, EAP, for giving me just enough info to satisfy my curiosity, and convince me that no, I do not need to see tubgirl for myself.  I truly appreciate it.

I’m actually trying to write a sex scene today, and now I’m full of cliche anxiety.

Hey Candy,

Maybe instead of a break-up story contest, you could have a love scene contest….

whatchu think? Possible maybe?

Oh, and for those who think we’re exaggerating about tubgirl; just remember we told you so when you run off to look.

-Mel

it’s hours later and still . . .

Soni?

You owe us the bucks to pay for a big ol’ group therapy session.

Auntie, I’m SO with you on the sandalwood thing. I love the way it smells, and one of my heroes used sandalwood-scented soap—that is, until I discovered that hundreds of writers had pretty much sent sandalwood off into cliché-land. It’s another one of those areas where I wonder if a lot of them actually know what it smells like or if they just picked it up from seeing the description in dozens of other novels.

Funny you should also mention armpits, Auntie. I remember reading somewhere that sandalwood smells just like a pheromone that’s present in underarm sweat!

Okay, Devon, you’re off the hook. Rampant male bits running around will not give me the slightest pause after viewing tubgirl.

Where can I join the group therapy sessions?

“Glistening,” particularly when used to describe pubic hair.  ew Ew EW!

My curiosity can now resist tubgirl, thanks to EvilAuntiePearl’s description.

Sheesh you guys! YOu don’t need therapy. You just need to be distracted for a while by having your glistening petals parted by a glowing rampant manroot while someone else lathes your coppery nipples. LOL!

And really, you brought it on yourselves. How much warning do you need to know not to look? I quite clearly referenced gushing orifaces plus Internet graphics burn out. And I couldn’t even bring myself to post the direct link (only a near miss work around), and you know what sort of horrors get directly linked to around here on a regular basis.

*wanders off muttering to self and rubbing hands*

And now phase one of my eeeeevvviiiill plan to rule the world through exposure to mind-altering Internet graphic memes is complete. Step two - 5 million of these plastered all over the blogosphere! The whiplash alone will cripple the online economy. Bwahhahhahhhahahhah.

http://kittenwar.com/kittens/21034/?PHPSESSID=3b6fee7324808cfe7ce6d8b160fb31bf

Darla said: “the produce couple—her with raspberry nipples on apple breasts, peach-shaped butt and a pussy like a ripe plum (split, I’m assuming, because otherwise…), him with his manroot, which I always picture as one of those big white radishes, and more plums, or walnuts.”

Giuseppe Arcimboldo got there first. Really. It’s art - people’s faces created out of fruit (mostly, he has some fish as well). And he’s from the sixteenth century and not at all pornographic, so it’s quite safe to google ‘Arcimboldo’. Not very pretty, but work-safe, and will only make you laugh if you’re thinking about ‘produce couple’ and the salmon metaphor.

I’m speechless! Weeping with laughter. Note, no other part of me is weeping. A warning should be posted not to read these comments while drinking. I’m still wiping wine off my screen.

“Doing something a girl in a tub should never, ever etc., do. “

Erm… *pedant alert* If someone intends to indulge in such activities, surely a large water-tight, spray-clean container with access to running water, a shower attachment and a drain are the best possible location? Or perhaps a horse trough if she was going for a historical setting. *end alert*

Anyhow, I’ve been home, gone to bed, gone to work and that picture will not go away. Therapy, please.

On the plus side, my current book at bedtime is the new Eloisa James, which is a cracking read (all the more so when compared with the dross that is the current commute book). Couldn’t help but notice that she’s not immune from the lexicon of eeeville (although she mercifully neither dribbles nor gushes), but since she doesn’t shovel one cliché on top of another I didn’t mind at all. Actually, it’s so good I doubt I’d have even noticed them if this discussion hadn’t tuned up my radar for such things.

I think all the Smart Bitches readers have broken the tubgirls site.  I tried last night and this morning and get nothing but error messages when I try to pull up Encyclopedia Dramatica.  It’s probably just as well.  The Universe saving me from my own morbid curiosity.

On the water theme,

“sea-shell scented folds”

that just pushes the “ick” button doesn’t it?

Ya’ll are killing me. I’m in deep edit mode right now, and I just hit a love scene . . . I’m parsing every phrase and image.

Would it make Candy nuts? Would Evil Auntie Peril make fun of it? Does it contain any references to food (fruit, fish, or otherwise)?

And just what the hell do I call a clitoris in the 18th century—Assuming my characters aren’t up on their obscure 16th century medical texts, and calling it her amor Veneris or vel dulcedo—that won’t end up on this list?

I agree with what everyone has said here.  And furthermore, I don’t want to read about things that throb, swell, heave, stand proudly erect (what, it has FEET?!), or otherwise sound like it may explode or spit at any time!  As for the winking orifice?  Unless she is a mare in heat, no heroine should be subjected to that description of her desire for the hero.  Yes, mares wink.  They also drip, come to think of it.  Eww.  There was a mental image I didn’t need this morning!  Eww.  Time to go dump my coffee in the sink mehthinks…  As for Tubgirl, my ISP won’t let me link to her either, so I guess my retinas are safe for another day (sigh).

What to call a clit, especially in historicals, can be tricky, and yes, sometimes you have to resort to nubbin, twiddly bits, etc. But one of my big pet peeves is to make the “discovery” of the clit such an almighty big deal. I highly doubt THAT many women were unaware of it.

IE: Drago caressed Lydia’s nubbin and she arched, having never dreamt such a feeling of pleasure could be attained through mere touch. To think, she’d had such a magical pleasure button twixt her nether lips and had never before realized it! It had taken the sweet, savage touch of this man, her gentle pirate, to show her just how wonderful bedplay could be…

BLERGH!

I blathered on about about nubbins just the other day but (sniffling) candy never calls or writes any more . . http://katerothwell.blogspot.com/2005/12/i-blogged-at-romance-unleashed.html

I wasn’t the only one to address the issue(?) tissue(?) I think it’s International Clit-Talk Week.

sitting in the dark, without a mirror even.

Kate

LOL I’ve had a rotten week.  This was well needed.

Manroot makes me cackle everytime I hear it. 

These are great.

I have been saved from Tubgirl (I tried to look LOL despite the warnings but it’s broken).

It .had taken the sweet, savage touch of this man, her gentle pirate, to show her just how wonderful bedplay could be…

Must stop spewing coffee all over my computer. E.D’Trix, you are my queen. I’ll get around to bowing down and kissing your feet—promise!—just as soon as I can stop laughing.

I really, really think we need a Bulwer-Lytton-esque bad sex scene contest (though I can already tell that E.D’Trix or EvilAuntiePeril will win).

“And to all of you wondering what to do about how to describe a clitoris and other fiddly bits of the anatomy—I think that deserves its own post. Stay tuned.”

Sitting here with both historical manuscripts open, ready to do a “univeral find/replace”....

Hehehe! I knew that would get a rise out of ya… I almost went for ‘delicate molester’, but thought that might be taking it a bit too far. Although after Tub Girl? There is no such thing as too far here.

Just yesterday I read—in a new book, too, published in 2005—the words “punishing kiss.”

I thought that went out at the end of the 80s, along with long-tailed satin shirts & crimped hair.

Okay, I’m way late to the party, but I’ll add my two cents anyway.  I don’t have anything to add about fruit body parts (although I when I read about raspberry nipples, I always think:  Hmmm, get some olive oil and balsamic vinegar to go with those berries, and you’ve got a pretty good salad dressing.  Guess that works if he’s got a cucumber-sized appendage.) 

Anyway, you all know that word play using on “man root” was used in one of the skits on The Colbert Report last week, right?  I can’t remember what he was talking about, but the message that flashed up during his report was…. MAN ROOT.  The studio audience cracked up and I snarfed my diet coke.

I’m sure it’ll be replayed sometime soon.  Or someone who posts here regularly has Tivo’d it.

Doh!  I meant to write that the skit was a subliminal message or double speak one, which made the use of the Man Root flash on screen so funny.

jmc

My two cents:

I don’t think anyone should RASP anything in the heat of passion.  It makes me think the hero/heroine have terrible smoker’s voice.

But I love, Love, LOVE the word “savage.”  Sorry.

I’m outie.

forgot one fruit—plump, plum-colored or plum-shaped ends of men’s genitals. Make those go away, please.

I don’t mind an *occasional* shudder but all vibrating, quivering, convulsing, or quaking must stop. It’s too scary. Pulsing, jerking, trembling and spasming should also be limited.

[time for a quick word search through my own stuff]

What about parody?  I’ve got a romance-novel parody running on my site, surely “silken tresses” is acceptable in that context!

LC

I’ve seen clitoris described as “her most sensitive place.” I don’t mind that, really ... but it has reminded me of the pop slang about “going to one’s happy place.”

Yes, help these poor writers. What if their heroines aren’t bluestockings who have learned the Latinate? Not sure that vocabulary word was taught in finishing school, along with needlework. Or by the nuns in the convent. Among the helpful sources of information for heroines ...

1) Not sure that the helpful, motherly housemaid, who’s possibly illiterate, would know it.
2) Probably the sharp-tongued dragon of an older lady who still powders her hair and who’s slightly deaf ... now she’d have learned it, from French pornography. But would the heroine be brave enough to ask?

Until the heroine met her own personal sharp-tongued dragon of an older lady, or met the hero—who’s usually responsible for her sex education, nine out of 10 times—the sensation and the physical effects would be familiar, yes, but maybe it would be, for a while, The Thing That Has No Name.

I gotta defend the punishing kiss. Sometimes that’s what it is.

Ever had angry make-up sex?

Ever had a guy kiss you to shut you up?

Ever had sex with someone in a highly emotional state (like, say, his grandfather’s funeral) where he’s mad at himself for doing it, but he needs pure physicality of it?

I’m ok with being a slutty, inappropriate sex girl, and I’ve had more than a few punishing kisses in the afore mentioned scenarios. So I’m gonna use the phrase when if feels right (just like I maintain the right to play a little Gene Loves Jezebel or Jellyfish when the situation calls for it).

The Thing That Has No Name.

Too close to “the love that dares not speak its name” for me. LOL!

What’s his hand doing, where does he think he’s . . . OMG! He touched THE THING THAT HAS NO NAME. Don’t! That’s my special thing. I mean, do. Please, do. Touch the THING again. TOUCH IT!

I actually found tubgirl.  I had to search.  Damn curiousity. 

I had to laugh at the one I saw, because the labia etc. had that comp. generated ‘fuzz/obscure’ effect.

Really, that was too much but the rest was o.k.??

Manroot gets me too.  I think of ‘grow your own man’ though…or maybe plant him with that part down??

I don’t like the nipples soooo hard they poke through multiple layers of clothing (some of them pretty darn thick).

Either those are super-long nips…or knives…

Sam….

Tonda, of course I agree that there is such a thing as a “punishing kiss.” I’d just like to hear another phrase used to describe it; it sounds hopelessly purple & dated to my ears. After all, there are lots of other words to describe angry sex.

“Oh, and Tubgirl? Is FOUL. I mean, if you’ve seen the Goatse man (and Goatse man is bad enough to make you want to cry, throw up and run away screaming, all at the same time), Tubgirl is actually EVEN WORSE THAN THE GOATSE MAN.”

I am having PTSD from looking at the Tubgirl picture, so I’m glad you warned me about Goaste man.  When I got the error on the encyclopedia dramatica, I goggled Tubgirl and got a page with links to both pictures—sort of a which is the worse type of thing.  Now I KNOW I cannot look at Goaste man.  But can you give me a hint—just to save myself additional mental rehabbing??

As for the lexicon of evil, YES, YES, YES!  I truly believe that a lot of these descriptions keep circulating because some writers just go into auto-pilot when they write a sex scene.  I mean, when you think of the sheer NUMBER of Romances published over the years, how many authors can be mindful enough to throw off the influence of all the books they’ve read.  That’s why, IMO, we are so wonderfully surprised when someone has the talent and the presence of mind to do something new, or at least something emotionally authentic.

As for the word “cunny”—I like it, the cunning reference included.  Along with “quim,” I think it allows for a certain sense of softness that’s not synonymous with “docile” or “pliant” or “passive” or all those feminine markers.  Since so many of the sexual epithets derived from women’s body parts are harsh sounding, I’m not yet at a point where those words (i.e. cunt) feel completely rescued or transformed when I read them.

Women’s pelvises that SNAP up to meet each of the hero’s trusts ...

I’ve read that a few times and always expect the next line to be, “Shit, honey!  Call my chiropractor!”

I’m outie,

“I actually found tubgirl.  I had to search.  Damn curiousity.

I had to laugh at the one I saw, because the labia etc. had that comp. generated ‘fuzz/obscure’ effect.

Really, that was too much but the rest was o.k.?? “

La Tub comes to us from Japan, where explicit, non-medical depictions of genitalia are illegal, giving rise to the unintentional hilarity of towering poop fountains being A-OKAY but something as sane and simple as the human afro clam being tucked modestly away behind a mosaic blur like a protected trial witness.

Nope. Can’t get behind the punishing kiss or the mad-as-hell sex. If my man gets near me wanting nookie when I’m seriously angry, he’s gonna lose a testicle.

To quote Katie MacAlister’s “Improper English”:

No throbbing. Nothing should throb. It sounds like it’s infected.

In the same book with the sea-shell scented folds was this little gem
“his sharp male nipples”

What else would his nippels be? Female? Goat?
And Sharp?  It must be the grey slime thing from the last cover snark.

Mia,

Thank you for the info.  At least that made me laugh at the pix..instead of hurl on the keyboard.

Sam…

Hey, I had raspberry nipples once! When I started nursing my first child, my nips looked like big, purple-red, cracked & bleeding raspberries. Ah, the powerful joys of motherhood.

And let me second the objection to plummy cocks. There is nothing that takes me out of a love-secene quicker than a big ol’ plum at the end of a penis. Ew. And please say nothing about veins.

Also, “mat,” “forest,” and “blanket” should not be used in reference to chest hair.

He’s a man, not an unwashed bear.

Tennis Ball ended is worse than plum ended.

What about the ones the heroine can’t fit her hands around?  I’d say call a doctor for the reduced brain blood flow.

Oh, Miz Candy, I agree.  In a perverse way it’s kind of charming to see that things like donkey-punching and La Tub still have the power to shock.  It’s like seeing a puppy putting his feet in snow for the first time, or like those pictures of Ron Jeremy being shown Goatse-Man.  Smart Bitches is bringing the whole internet together with scat queens and ass contortionists!  Really, isn’t that what John Lennon would’ve wanted? 

(If it makes anyone feel any better, rumor has it that that’s orange juice that La Tub is shooting.  She’s just concerned about her calcium and folic acid intake!)

But boy, do some of these words give me strange visuals.  Somebody really ought to Photoshop some pix.  Like the produce couple—her with raspberry nipples on apple breasts, peach-shaped butt and a pussy like a ripe plum (split, I’m assuming, because otherwise…), him with his manroot, which I always picture as one of those big white radishes, and more plums, or walnuts.

Hm. If I weren’t already bogged down with numerous work projects, I would definitely take that on as an illustration challenge. Plus, add whip cream, and I imagine that it makes very tasty sex!

Holy Lord I can’t stop laughing!

Candy is killing me.

Now imagine that there’s no pet bunny, and that by “bear trap,” I meant “his sphincter and prolapsed rectum.”

I don’t know what any of these words really mean but I am terrified of googling them!

As for those who are trying to see TUBgirl - STOP!

I couldn’t believe that I actually clicked on Soni’s link but I saw kitten and thought ‘how bad can it be?’.  Squeeeee!  This time Curious Monkey didn’t get burned but no way in hell am I going to find the goatse man.  NO WAY! In my little world Tubgirl is a photoshop illusion - NO, don’t ruin the moment!

And for the author’s freaking out about the clit.  Pretty much anything works except pleasure centre. ;)

Also, I love the ‘punishing kiss’ and the rasping heroes AND grinding.  What?  Is that bad?  But then again, I like dark books.

CindyS

Oh God I had to go and do it! Couldn’t see tub girl so googled. What a mistake! Need therapy now!

The other word I’d like to see the last of is plundering in relation to kissing. Sounds like some terrible looting by a conquering army. For some reason I also think of a sink plunger stuck to the poor heroine’s face.

Ok, Tubgirl is amazing, horrifying, disgusting & obscene in the worst way, but eelgirl (available through the same site) is nearly as bad. HOLY. COW.

EvilAuntiePeril, I just looked at tubgirl (damn my rampant curiosity…I figured it couldn’t be worse than the image I imagined from what was described here and MY GOD was I wrong!) and I have to say I’m in agreement with Candy’s Doing something a girl in a tub should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do. statement.  IF one is going to do such a thing, I grant that the tub is the place to do it.  I’m merely asserting that regardless of location, that’s just something one should never ever do.  I mean, that is her face at the end of the rainbow, isn’t it?  The unsanitary nature of it alone… 

And when will I stop shuddering, for the love of Pete?  Will I ever be able to shut my eyes and not see that?  How long until the gagging dies down?  My desperately inquiring mind wants to know.

*How long until the gagging dies down?  My desperately inquiring mind wants to know.*

It’s been 2 days for me, and I’m still on the verge of hurling.  Verily, I think I turned to a pillar of salt.

Thanks for tempting me to the evils of eel girl, Amanda. Somehow, even though it’s live (?) animals, it’s still not as gross as tubgirl. I decided to stop believing that there are things that people won’t do because, clearly, there are a number of people that sit around thinking of the most disturbing things to do and want to share with the rest of us. How nice!

As far as eeeevil phrases go, I’m surprised that this hasn’t come up yet, especially with all of the objections to grottoes of love and other geological features. How about volcanic imagery? Men who thrust into molten cores? Even better if the hero erupts into her slick, molten core. It always makes me think that I was right to be suspicious of the self-warming lubes.

And I absolutely HATE quim. Just read a series where the author uses that word exclusively in conjunction with core and it definitely muted what would have been some pretty hot sex.