Bitchin' Blog Posts
Lessons in Improbable Anatomy
by Candy | July 10, 2006 | Monday at 5:10 pm | 31 Comments
Sarah: It is a moderately-known fact that I had a breast reduction 11 years ago. 7+ lbs. of tissue were removed. I think he received in transplant what I had taken out.
Now, do you need inflated man-titty to be a demon hunter? Perhaps if I’d kept my old boobs, I’d be a demon hunter now.
Candy: If I were him, I’d be so worried about scratching my chest with those talons on my hands. I mean, what if I puncture something? It’s hard to be appropriately terrifying when there’s a jet of saline squirting out of one’s (rapidly deflating) chestal region.
Sarah: On the right, that man is half fish. Or he’s wrapped in a carpet from the waist down. Or, he has some sort of fleshy crud, and he’s discussing what can be done about it with… well, maybe we need to take a vote: man or woman? Manly arms, womanly breasts. You be the judge.
Candy: When will cover artists learn? Leprosy and eczema are not erotic. Not to the general population, anyway; I’m sure there are unspeakable leprosy fetish sites out there in the Wild and Wooly Intarweb.
I also like how the guy on the left has boobs so big, they’re sagging. Holy men’s foundation garments, Batman!
Sarah: “Look, honey, clearly the artist spent more time on my looks, because I almost appear normal if not for my toothpick arms, but you? Aside from your beefy shoulders and your impossibly long forearm, what’s going on with that dent in your side?
And why do you have NO ASS?
That’s, like, totally unfair.”
Candy: My theory is, the guy started out with man-titty implants, but he got them from a seriously shady surgeon, and they began to migrate southward, hence why they are currently hanging out in his bicep region.
Tune in next week for more comedy, when the implants make it to his wrists! Will he still the manual dexterity needed to flog the bishop?
Sarah: Now this guy, he got the ass meant for the dude on the “Sleeping With the Enemy” cover, on TOP of his own ass. Dude’s got back. And that’s wicked.
Candy: And now, we see the logical conclusion of what happens after an insufficiently-anchored man-titty implant starts moving southward.
Also, why is that chick throwing gang signs at him? Is there some sort of Implant Gang War going on? Or is he smuggling cocaine in exotic orifices of his body, and she’s an informant trying to signal to the Feds?
bam said on 07.10.06 at 10:35 PM • [comment link]
Wow… that is a big ass. I can’t stop looking at it. It’s so… womanly. I bet in high school, the kids called him “Hips” and snickered behind his… um… back.
Doug Hoffman said on 07.10.06 at 10:44 PM • [comment link]
Why are you folks assuming that’s a big-assed guy? Note lack of body hair. That’s a chick with short hair. Dollars to donuts, those are two chicks.
The one before that . . . I keep flashing on Goldfinger. Or the Blue Man Group done up in bronze. I dunno.
Rebecca Trishel said on 07.10.06 at 10:50 PM • [comment link]
That last one I kinda liked. It’s an interesting pose.
Nonny said on 07.10.06 at 11:05 PM • [comment link]
LOL.
I feel really sorry for the authors of those books ... Changeling might be a good publisher to work for, but their covers are awful.
Carrie Lofty said on 07.10.06 at 11:37 PM • [comment link]
Which came first: the Changeling cover or the Teddy Babe? An age-old question. All of these poor excuses for anatomy frighten me. Bring back the vacant stare of De Salvo anyday!
Gari said on 07.10.06 at 11:52 PM • [comment link]
Is it me or does the guy in “Sleeping with the enemy” look like an animated Oscar Award? Course he’s sorta bronze-y colored or is he just ‘tarnished’ and the love of a good woman will restore him to his shiny gold hue???? *snort* (Sorry ladies, I couldn’t help myself)
Eeeewwwww just doesn’t begin to cover the disgust for the “Devil’s Man” cover. And what’s with Mr. Saggy boobs opening up his legs and reaching for his belt buckle? I think he needs a little lesson in anatomy and what goes where…. course, Mr. Merman does seem to be lacking the appropriate…... uh…. appendage.
G
Miri said on 07.10.06 at 11:54 PM • [comment link]
Devil’s Man should have been titled “The Effects Estrogen use among prison Inmates”
Robyn said on 07.11.06 at 12:59 AM • [comment link]
The demon hunter’s got a huge thundering breastplate but apparently no manly bulge. That’s sexy.
Susan said on 07.11.06 at 01:16 AM • [comment link]
these covers are creepy. maybe they should of gone with a plain cover.
Creepy man boobs.
I make it a policy not to date men with larger boobs the mine.
celeste said on 07.11.06 at 02:33 AM • [comment link]
I had to look at the Devil’s Man cover on a larger monitor to see WTF was going on. I can see now that the droopy-looking, round brown thing next to the guy on the left’s crotch is a CHAIR ARM. On my laptop’s screen, it looked like had an extra male appendage sticking out of the pocket of his jeans.
Samantha said on 07.11.06 at 02:44 AM • [comment link]
Sleeping with the Enemy? or Sleeping with Yul Brenner’s head on the HULK’s body?
Darlene Marshall said on 07.11.06 at 04:01 AM • [comment link]
If that last dude is smuggling cocaine, he’s keeping his junk in his trunk. That’s some booty.
Robin said on 07.11.06 at 05:13 AM • [comment link]
The Devil’s Man obviously just sold his soul for gastric bypass surgery. Now if he can only make another deal for an appointment with a plastic surgeon.
As for the guy in Wicked, I’m just glad I’m not the only one with an ass big enough to hold a tray of drinks!
MelissaP said on 07.11.06 at 05:19 AM • [comment link]
It’s Mantitty Monday!!!
sk said on 07.11.06 at 06:53 AM • [comment link]
The Devil’s Man had better lay off the ‘roids. First come the bitch tits and then the bacne…
Cindy said on 07.11.06 at 11:10 AM • [comment link]
OMG!!!! you guys nearly made me have an accident at my desk.
Pammy really bulked up on the Muscle for the Death Unsung cover - cause she is only person on the planet that I have seen who is shaped like that.
Devil’s Man…I know how many smart bitches are from England but if you have ever watched a show called Black Adder you will get this reference “You have a womans breast….!”
When I got the ‘Wicked’ cover all I could hear in my head was Sir Mixalot, and a vision on this guy walking through a crowd prison cellblock
.....I like big butts and I cannot lie,
you other brothers cannot deny, when a con walks in with a iddy biddy waist and a round thing in your face you gets sprung…....
Cindy said on 07.11.06 at 11:15 AM • [comment link]
opps….that should have i “don’t” know how many smart bitches are from England…..
Mistress Stef said on 07.11.06 at 04:37 PM • [comment link]
Black Adder ROCKS.
kate r said on 07.11.06 at 05:01 PM • [comment link]
tsk, bitches, you need to put some of those below the fold, the olde europeane maps with a “here be hypogriff” warning? only “here be Eye Mangling Material”
Bad bad stuff. Lovelysalome is right—and I never thought I’d miss DeSalvo.
Carrie Lofty said on 07.11.06 at 05:17 PM • [comment link]
At times, Blackadder keeps me from taking Regencies seriously - especially the sillier, more poorly written offerings. I just keep imagining Hugh Laurie (sigh) as the idiot prince and Baldrick with his turnips… and for some reason the magic of romance just evaporates :)
MelissaP said on 07.11.06 at 05:34 PM • [comment link]
The dude on the Wicked cover would make J-LO green with envy!
Helen M said on 07.11.06 at 06:46 PM • [comment link]
Blackadder does indeed rock.
Although I totally agree with lovelysalome - Blackadder does interfere with taking some (poorly written) regencies seriously - not only do I have Hugh Laurie as the Prince in my head, when the characterization of the hero is very one dimensional, all I can think of is:
Baldrick: Something wrong, Mr. B?
Blackadder: Oh, something’s *always* wrong, Balders… the fact that I’m not a millionaire aristocrat, with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino, is a constant niggle.
Heh.
Rebecca Trishel said on 07.11.06 at 06:50 PM • [comment link]
*orders Blackadder*
Susan said on 07.11.06 at 07:06 PM • [comment link]
I love english comedies. Blackadder is good but my favorite is keeping up appearences. Can you imagine Mrs Bucket in a regency?
Mistress Stef said on 07.11.06 at 07:19 PM • [comment link]
I’ve never seen Keeping up Appearances. I’ve been a Monty Python and Are You Being Served fan for a while, then my hubby introed me to Black Adder. I’m playing catchup now.
The episode where they burn the Dictionary…
SamG said on 07.11.06 at 07:20 PM • [comment link]
That’s Boo-kay!!!
I used to have the PBS schedule of those shows memorized.
I saw those covers when all that cover-snark squabble was going on.
Sam
Helen M said on 07.11.06 at 08:56 PM • [comment link]
Okay, veering even more off topic (but still on the topic of English tv comedies), whenever an author has a character (almost invariably male, it seems) have an ‘outRAGEous FRaench ACKscent’, all I can think is Monty Python, or ‘Allo ‘allo - gah, that policeman.
p.s.Is there something wrong with me that makes me smirk that my word to submit is herself67 ?
Mistress Stef said on 07.11.06 at 09:40 PM • [comment link]
Well, I think the Holy Grail is one of the most quoted movies, along with the Princess Bride. So a flashback is inevitable.
Amy E said on 07.12.06 at 02:18 AM • [comment link]
Holy. Fucking. ASS. Muh gawd. That is the most ass any cover has ever held, ever. Wow. I laughed until I cried, then started wheezing, and actually got dizzy and saw black flashes before my eyes. Wasn’t sure it was actually possible to laugh until you passed out before, but I’m pretty sure I just came damn close.
Ass. Ass ass. Ass ass ass assassassass…
Amy E said on 07.12.06 at 02:20 AM • [comment link]
And I’m stunned that no one has commented on the devil’s freaky Popeye arm and teensy tiny widdle hand. What’s the deal with that?
(ass ass assassass…)
Dee said on 07.12.06 at 06:55 AM • [comment link]
who makes those book covers?
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