Bitchin' Blog Posts
Kifah Offers a What Not to Do
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | September 29, 2010 | Wednesday at 10:33 am | 93 CommentsThis was in my inbox. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Enjoy.
I’ve recently started to pick up on some rather….er…...interesting
turns of phrase by certain authors and thought I’d share one with The
Bitchery.So after checking out both Smart Bitches and Dear Author for some new
reading material, I thought I’d try some Lisa Marie Rice. So far ok. Not
great, but a good way to distract myself while laying in the physio’s
office with a bajillion acupuncture needles stuck in my ass and lower back.
I guess that would be ass-upuncture. Anyhow, I’m reading Woman on the Run
(as an aside am I the only one that’s noticed that LMR’s Hero’s are kinda
creepy stalkerish, with great HUMONGOUS penises that basically become hugely
erect the first time they set eyes on the heroine and magically stay that
way through the entire story, and by entire I mean even while away from the
heroine for days at a time, washing their hair, eating lunch, walking the
dog ect, and her heroines all have little teeny weeny vaginas.) when I’ve
finally arrived at the moment when our hero and heroine are about to
consummate their lust for each other.It’s intense, emotional, fluid filled, gasping, naked hotness. While “probing” her magic hoo-ha to
prepare our heroine for his ENORMOUS wang, our hero muses that,“a woman’s sex is like a horses mouth”.
Ummmm…..wazat now? My transportation to fantasy land while my left buttock
is filled with pins has ground to a screeching halt. Er, lets just pretend
that never got written and move along. Nope, our hero is going to take a
brief mental detour while making hot love to his woman, to elaborate on the
finer points of horsemanship and bit fitting.I tried to continue on, but my brain was completely stuck with the comparison of a vagina to a horses
mouth. Her little teeny, tiny vagina - only like a horses mouth. Which are
kinda huge and gapey. with the green foamy slobber from eating grass.
Oh, holy night. No way. Horse’s mouth? Well, if you’re giving birth and the ob/gyn/midwife offers you a mirror to see what all is happening down in the valley, you know what to expect. It’s Mr. Ed!
This isn’t the first foray in to “WTF was THAT” when it comes to romance novel descriptions of sex or sexy bits. It’s a challenge to come up with new words for the dance as old as time and the Fred Astaire and the Ginger and the metaphor limping to the finish line. We’ve talked about orgasm metaphors, and bad lines in romance that make you howl. I might have to add “sex like a horse’s mouth” to that list.
Along with it? The timeless prose of Stephanie Laurens who wrote in “The Brazen Bride” that the hero sank…. Into the weeping furnace of her sheath.” When furnaces weep, you know it is ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. Because then you have to call the plumber, and everyone knows the plumber is like the pool boy who comes to clean the pool and then visits you in that sexy cabana tent by the pool, only this time it’s a plumber so he probably visits you in the shower or something, or in the basement since your furnace is weeping and that probably means a cracked boiler, and that’s so expensive that a righteous boning might make the pain of the plumber’s bill more bearable, and what could be more hot than that, right?
WRONG. The hottest thing ever? “He plunged into the weeping furnace of her horse’s mouth.”
There. I hope you weren’t eating breakfast.
Filed: General Bitching, Good Shit vs. Shit to Avoid
Tagged: wtfery, wtf, vaginas, romance, orgasm, make the burning stop, heroines, bitchery
Ann Somerville said on 09.29.10 at 11:08 AM • [link]
I thought it had long been established that ‘weeping’ applied to any part of the genitalia or the sex act was an auto FAIL.
I think a new rule regarding comparisons of genitalia to any farmyard beast - or animal of any ilk, including snakes (esp pythons), panthers, baboons (esp their bottoms) or puppies under blankets - should be established, and any author using said metaphors, comparisons or similes should be forced to work for a week behind scenes at their local zoo or dairy, mucking out :)
kingfishereyes said on 09.29.10 at 11:21 AM • [link]
I am eating breakfast, thanks lol
Babs said on 09.29.10 at 11:48 AM • [link]
OMG! That made laugh so hard I hurt.
Ya know, I read WOMAN ON THE RUN and apparently blocked that phrase out of my mind. *gee, wonder why* But wasn’t the alpha alpha hero in that one a horse breeder or rancher? Isn’t that carrying a theme a little far?
Babs said on 09.29.10 at 11:50 AM • [link]
OMG! That made me laugh so hard I now hurt.
Ya know, I read WOMAN ON THE RUN and completely blocked that phrase from my memory *gee, wonder why*
Wasn’t the uber-alpha hero in that one a horse breeder? Isn’t that carrying a theme a little too far…?
Babs said on 09.29.10 at 11:51 AM • [link]
Sorry for the double post. First one disappeared and received message that it didn’t post…
ghn said on 09.29.10 at 12:01 PM • [link]
Actually, I was eating lunch. But don’t worry, I have a strong stomach. :-P
The pincushion’s review was full of win! I almost sprayed keyboard and screen with tea!
What I tend to hink about when encountering the weeping bits and pieces, is STDs! But I suppose that in Romancelandia that sort of thing is only reserved for the most evil of villains!
meet66 - In Real Life the weeping bits and pieces undoubtedly causes weeping when the diagnosis is confirmed! :-p
Sarah W said on 09.29.10 at 01:18 PM • [link]
Am I the only one who is so completely turned off by the weeping thing that only a visit to my secret stash of Betty “No first kiss before the third wedding anniversary” Neels can restore my equilibrium?
I loves me a hot, lustful scene, I do—-but if anything is weeping, stop everything and go get tested first for cripe’s sake. Guh.
Sarah W said on 09.29.10 at 01:20 PM • [link]
Whoops! I missed ghn’s comment—-I guess I’m not alone! :)
Lostshadows said on 09.29.10 at 01:29 PM • [link]
Was I the only one who immediately thought, “Don’t horses have teeth?”
Hydecat said on 09.29.10 at 01:40 PM • [link]
No, I thought of that too. Maybe he’s in to vagina dentata?
Kathy said on 09.29.10 at 01:49 PM • [link]
Oh holy shit.
Kate Jones said on 09.29.10 at 02:06 PM • [link]
I’m with you on the teeth. Not sure how that wouldn’t be the creepiest image ever for the hero himself…
Jennifer Armintrout said on 09.29.10 at 02:07 PM • [link]
Well, there goes any sexual desire I might have harbored in the future.
Jennifer Armintrout said on 09.29.10 at 02:09 PM • [link]
Wait, wait, I just thought of something…
How does he know that a woman’s sex is like a horse’s mouth? WTF has he been doing with horses?
Cara McKenna / Meg Maguire said on 09.29.10 at 02:23 PM • [link]
Ha!
I was trying to think up a way to make this comparison less creepy, and I think I have. If forced to choose between a horse mouth love tunnel and an Alien mouth love tunnel, wouldn’t the horse suddenly seem rather appealing? And yes, you have to choose. There are no normal vulvae options in this hypothetical scenario.
JamiSings said on 09.29.10 at 02:50 PM • [link]
Maybe the SB should consider that their next book be about what not to write for the begging romance novelist.
Terry Odell said on 09.29.10 at 03:00 PM • [link]
Thanks for the wonderful images to start the day. At least my coffee is still in the kitchen. Linda Howard gave a great list of alternative vocabulary at a workshop, but this wasn’t on it.
Terry
Terry’s Place
Romance with a Twist—of Mystery
Laurel said on 09.29.10 at 03:06 PM • [link]
I have a horrifying image of some form of bestiality which does not warrant further description.
SB Sarah said on 09.29.10 at 03:13 PM • [link]
“Straight from the horse’s mouth” is not a phrase I often use, but now I am entirely unlikely ever to do so.
I think I need yet another tag for this type of entry: WHYYYYYYY?!
Jason said on 09.29.10 at 03:25 PM • [link]
Well, if I wasn’t gay already, comparing a woman’s vag to a horse’s mouth would have sent me over to play on the other team. :D DAYUM!
Ben P said on 09.29.10 at 03:35 PM • [link]
OMG. Green foamy slobber sluicing from womanly weepy bits.
As a man, the thought of that is enough to send my man-parts into permanent hiding, quivering like a frightened mouse.
In keeping with the mouse analogy I was briefly inclined to try and tempt them back out with a piece of cheese. But my wife, in her infinite wisdom, informed me that man-parts and cheese together are also very wrong.
Bursting ripe like a ripe mellon is wrong too.
For me, even the WTFery of the romance genre is part of the fun.
miz-geek said on 09.29.10 at 03:47 PM • [link]
Brings whole new meaning to “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”.
Lori said on 09.29.10 at 04:02 PM • [link]
The next time someone asks me why I gave up reading LMR I know just what I’m going to say. The problem with “Like a horse’s mouth” is a lot less subjective than my usual response about her not being about to differentiate between Alpha and asshat.
Antonia said on 09.29.10 at 04:17 PM • [link]
BAHAHAHAHAHA
I have no words.
Marie Kenward said on 09.29.10 at 04:39 PM • [link]
ROFLMAO I do believe I’ll never, ever be able to hear this expression without thinking about this post.
Kristin said on 09.29.10 at 05:09 PM • [link]
Bwahahahahahahaha…the laugh was great but I had the added benefit of shocing my teen. I was laughing so hard that he asked me what I was laughing at. I tried to tell him he didn’t want to know but he insisted so I read it too him. He is know covering his ears and mumbling about needing to bleach his brain/
Chicklet said on 09.29.10 at 05:09 PM • [link]
Ditto for anything “leaking.” Just be forthright and say the head of the hero’s cock is wet with pre-come.
*pauses*
It’s possible I’ve been reading too much slash lately. Or at least taking to heart Bret Easton Ellis’s preference for sex scenes that are “unadorned,” because that’s how I like them, too.
Gretchen Galway said on 09.29.10 at 05:19 PM • [link]
My stifled snorting is going to get me kicked out of our home office. Dear hubby is trying to work, and can’t tell if I’m laughing or crying.
I mean, weeping.
Rebecca (one of them) said on 09.29.10 at 05:24 PM • [link]
Speaking of images that require bleach, I listen to Top 40 music and Katy Perry, California Girls Lyrics have that affect on me.
“We’re unforgettable Daisy Dukes Bikinis on top Sun-kissed skin So hot We’ll melt your Popsicle”
Maybe I have a dirty mind but I envision a man’s “popsicle” melting, like a candle. Getting shorter until it gutters out.
Elise Logan said on 09.29.10 at 05:43 PM • [link]
Whoa, there, missy! We don’t take kindly to that kind of comparison in these here parts. Or any parts.
Fortunately, I had already swallowed my swig of Naked Blue Machine and set the bottle on my desk. Otherwise my pretty little netbook would be spattered in blue goo. Which, well, makes me glad I wasn’t drinking a Gold Machine because that analogy would go all kinds of wrong. But, anyway….
I’ve read a number of unfortunate and WTF-inducing turns of phrase. One of the ones that sticks in my mind and, years later, has not budged, was the comparison by Emma Holly of her heroine’s sexy noises to the “mewling cries of a tortured kitten.”
Oh, God, please, no. No tortured kitten references in the pR0n, please.
PS - spam word is life62. As in I could have gone my entire life and 62 years without having read about slobbery horse vag. Or tortured kittens.
Betty Fokker said on 09.29.10 at 06:20 PM • [link]
When I saw my youngest baby come out, thanks to that special mirror, I thought mine looked like Cthulhu ... it certainly gave me the horrors.
teshara said on 09.29.10 at 06:21 PM • [link]
Call a plumber? Mario, is that you?
OK, nintendo nookie aside, wtf?
I have been around many horses and a fair share of hoo-ha’s and I can comfortable say they are not alike at all and the male protagonist may have a kink that we don’t entirely want to think about.
Aislinn Macnamara said on 09.29.10 at 06:21 PM • [link]
@JamiSings or “What Not to Write” could become a regular feature on the site.
SB Sarah said on 09.29.10 at 06:26 PM • [link]
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, come on baby let me know.
Sycorax said on 09.29.10 at 06:31 PM • [link]
What is it about romance heroes and horse obsessions? I mean most of them smell of horses, which takes on a rather creepy significance after that line.
@ Elsie Logan, I hate it when heroine sexy noises are compared to kittens at all, but tortured kittens takes it to a new level. Why aren’t masculine groans ever compared to animal noises? A cow in labour, perhaps? Or even more appropriately, the horse he apparently smells of all the time.
I read a paranormal romance recently where the hero “lathed” the heroine’s nipple with his tongue… *facepalm*
Betty Fokker said on 09.29.10 at 06:41 PM • [link]
Let’s take those metaphors for a spin shall we?
The horses’ mouth of her love chomped down on the juicy carrot of his manhood, after which she allowed him to ride hell-for-leather into the West (which may be buttseks, I’m not sure).
Mikie J said on 09.29.10 at 06:59 PM • [link]
Oh, Lord. The picture of the horse and @Jennifer Armintrout completely did me in. Lmao. Absolutely disturbing metaphors.
Arethusa said on 09.29.10 at 07:11 PM • [link]
Awww man, that picture! Ugh you’re killing me, I must fleeeeeee! I don’t even want to go near my own vagina right now.
Joy said on 09.29.10 at 07:25 PM • [link]
I was reading Wicked Desire by Tory Richards (erotic romance) when I came across this sentence: “A cry escaped her when he sliced through her sensitive pussy lips.”
OUCH!
MelB said on 09.29.10 at 07:35 PM • [link]
Holy Hell, I can’t breathe. That pic just slam dunked the whole gross imagery home. “A horse is a horse, of course, of course… That is of course unless the horse is her famous magic vag.”
JamiSings said on 09.29.10 at 07:59 PM • [link]
@Aislinn Macnamara - That would work too.
What do you say, Smart Bitches? Can we have a “What Not To Write” feature at least once of not twice a month? Something to help out budding romance and erotica writers.
MarieC said on 09.29.10 at 08:06 PM • [link]
BWAHAHAHA! This is too funny!
Jessica Andersen said on 09.29.10 at 08:16 PM • [link]
My horses object, as *they* were eating lunch when I read them this entry. They also want to point out that every six months this guy shows up with a speculum, a bunch of rasps and a Dremel to neaten up their chompers. I’m just sayin.
jayhjay said on 09.29.10 at 08:30 PM • [link]
OMG, the horse picture is too much! i am totally revolted now.
BTW, a few pages later i noticed “his nostrils flared like a stallion”. I guess we are all over the horse metaphors in this book!
Jane said on 09.29.10 at 08:38 PM • [link]
I think I liked Woman on the Run hence I must like horse metaphors and analogies. Of all kind. But I must admit that I’d rather my hoo ha be a weeping furnace than a horse’s mouth.
SB Sarah said on 09.29.10 at 08:49 PM • [link]
If he’s hung like a stallion, the weeping furnace of her horse’s mouth is probably appropriate in some twisted, internet-friendly way.
If you want to send in What Not To Do examples to Ye Olde Inbox, I will happily add what I find in my reading and make it a regular feature.
Laura Kaye said on 09.29.10 at 09:16 PM • [link]
OMG. Gasping. Can’t be real. Moving past how in the world any author would ever find that whole mind-bloggling analogy and weird-ass digression in the middle of sex a good idea, where was the editor???
And, I’m still trying to figure out how the vajayjay could be teeny, tiny (in and of itself a horrid description) AND be like a horse’s mouth. I’m pretty sure exhibit A, that hiliarious grinning horse image (TYVM for that, BTW), disproves the analogy.
bounababe said on 09.29.10 at 09:24 PM • [link]
The old phrase “rode hard and put away wet” keeps running through my head. Seriously, I can’t stop it.
Jane said on 09.29.10 at 09:26 PM • [link]
So I had to go back and do a word search on that phrase and I recall that Cooper, well, he was really into horses.
SB Sarah said on 09.29.10 at 10:38 PM • [link]
Was he “really into horses” or was he really ‘INTO’ horses? Because that would make this MUCH MORE GOODER. Is all I’m sayin’.
jayhjay said on 09.29.10 at 10:41 PM • [link]
The situation is not helped by the hero’s need to self-congratulate about his awesome loving skills and how other men just don’t have any idea what they are doing. Sort of a little break for a sex ed lesson right in the middle of the scene.
lizw65 said on 09.29.10 at 11:11 PM • [link]
Maybe he can guess the heroine’s age by looking in her…well, ya know.
Thanks for the horse laugh of the day (though I’m a little late to it!)
lizw65 said on 09.29.10 at 11:13 PM • [link]
And may I just add…dear God, what was the editor of this thinking?!
Flo said on 09.29.10 at 11:22 PM • [link]
Okay, even KNOWING the author was trying to draw a parallel between a horse’s mouth as a sensitive, delicate thing that needs a kind hand and a knowledgeable rider to work with so that they’re receptive to the ideas the rider wants to transmit… I’m STILL creeped as hell by that turn of phrase in the middle of a sex scene. It’s not bestiality icky, but it’s now “woman as subhuman thing to be controlled—skillfully” nasty Alphahole idiocy.
Her metaphors aren’t mixed, she ran them over with a lawnmower and mulched them.
I’m apparently one of the weirdos. Not only do I ride, I love the way horses smell, and wandered to the barns on campus in college just to stand there and be surrounded by the ambiance when the stress of class was too much.
spamword foreign58: the idea of a horse’s mouth as vagina dentata will be the most foreign concept in my life for the next 58 minutes I’m on the internet (it’s a scary place. I just got over Montana Moonshine.)
Kifah said on 09.29.10 at 11:35 PM • [link]
@Flo - I know right? I rode for years and did grasp where the author was maybe trying to go with the analogy. But still just so very, very wrong.
@jayhjay - Haha…...what makes the self congratulating even worse is that were told how awesome a lover he thinks he is, but the reality of what we are shown - and by our own hero’s admission is he is incapable of foreplay with this woman cause apparently he needs her so bad. And pretty much last about a second and a half…....oh, crap. Why did I go there? More horrid equine parallels. Horse coitus last about 5 seconds.
catinbody said on 09.29.10 at 11:52 PM • [link]
Just started “To Seduce a Sinner,” in which Viscount Vale says to his man (after comparing his current fiancee to “that long-necked chestnut” a fortnight ago and being told “the chestnut came up lame”) “Did it? No matter. One should never compare ladies to horses, in any event.” ha! quite.
Mary G said on 09.30.10 at 12:09 AM • [link]
OMG LOL. I read this book but don’t remember that line.
The prose is typical of LMR though.
Carrie said on 09.30.10 at 12:30 AM • [link]
I am never having sex again.
Erin said on 09.30.10 at 12:36 AM • [link]
Eating breakfast, no. Drinking tea, yes. Excuse me while I wipe off my computer screen…
elph said on 09.30.10 at 12:37 AM • [link]
LOL! “A woman’s sex is like a horse’s mouth” is right up there with “you remind me of my jeep.” Also, weeping anything makes me think of pus, not the sexy.
One description for lady bits that always takes me right out of the story is “her mound,” because I can’t help but think of the candy bar jingle. Sometimes you feel like a nut/Sometimes you don’t/Almond Joy’s got nuts/Mounds don’t
Amber said on 09.30.10 at 01:27 AM • [link]
Mentioning Laurens also brought to mind that she, too, has a thing for horse metaphors. Esp. w. reins. I think they’re second only to seizing lungs, to be honest.
Huh.
And ewww.
Kaetrin said on 09.30.10 at 01:38 AM • [link]
@ SB Sarah and Mel B
Between that picture and this:
well, let’s just say I’m glad there was no beverage involved or the PC would be very damaged.
What a great way to start my day! Thx ladies!!
rudi_bee said on 09.30.10 at 01:41 AM • [link]
Is anyone else making disturbing connections between “a woman’s sex is like a horses mouth” and the movie Teeth? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780622/
Maria63303 said on 09.30.10 at 02:23 AM • [link]
Seriously….how do things like this get published…someone should have said “talk to the hand” because that isn’t going into a book…it makes the author look stupid, the publisher look idiotic and just makes me want to throw the book at a wall…
Melissa G said on 09.30.10 at 03:22 AM • [link]
So, instead of a vah-jay-jay, the heroine has vah-neigh-neigh?
(sorry, couldn’t resist after the Mr. Ed song parody…)
Val said on 09.30.10 at 03:29 AM • [link]
ha-ha!! she said vagina dentata.
But seriously, IS a Va Jay-Jay like a horses mouth? I’ve never been an equestrian. Does the author at least elaborate? The OCD part of my brain is now working feverishly to chart out the parallels to no avail…. Then again, maybe some things are best left UNKNOWN. The comparison is odd, to be sure - but even with most odd references, I can at least empathize the meaning in most other cases - where now, I’m just left clueless… and grossed-out.
Spamword:
material62. I’m thinking on he list of sexual allusions, the “horse’s mouth” analogy was #62 on the list of material.
Kwana said on 09.30.10 at 03:44 AM • [link]
Ha! I’m so glad even dinner was over. Cracking up.
Harper B. said on 09.30.10 at 04:26 AM • [link]
The horse’s mouth simile was pretty awful, but who else read the rest of that scene? The heroine thinks about how Cooper, the hero, didn’t look “like a lover about to have sex” but “like a warrior about to kill.” Then he mounts her with a grim set to his mouth and despite all of his time mentally waxing poetic about how some men just don’t know how to handle the goods, he totally just rams in and then is all, “You’re not ready! But I can’t stop, sorry!” and goes about his business until the heroine feels “like she’d spent her entire life with Cooper’s penis inside her.” THEN after they both come, he just starts over again and the heroine is all, “Oh, God, not again,” but in the next sentence she’s thinking about how this was the most exciting sex she’d ever had.
Lordy. I was laughing so hard while reading that scene. Definitely memorable…though not in a good way.
Donna said on 09.30.10 at 04:32 AM • [link]
LOL I suppose it beat comparing her with a horse’s vag—cuz that would pose OTHER questions—like how the hell would he know? ;) I still haven’t recovered from reading Passion and her amazing relocating womb and now this…where’s the damn fainting couch and smelling salts:lol:
lunarocket said on 09.30.10 at 04:55 AM • [link]
I want to know why the editors let these weird and semi revolting phrases get published? I mean if they are supposed to be keeping the dreck from being published shouldn’t they also be keeping the drecky words from also slipping through?
And until last week I had not once come across weeping genitalia and then THERE IT WAS! And believe it or not it was one of the newer Stephanie Laurens books.
“neigh”
Maria said on 09.30.10 at 05:01 AM • [link]
Um, sorry to put a damper on the snarkery, but first of all, I gotta question a comment by anyone who chooses to read an erotic romance during an acupuncture treatment. To be fair, I’m a big fan of Lisa Marie Rice’s erotic romances (and I’m hardly alone). Her heroes and heroines are pretty similar (very alpha males, very sophisticated heroines). I know what to expect from one of her books—suspense and lots of heat. LOVED the Midnight series. “Woman on the Run” was one of the first of hers that I read. I don’t even recall reading the horse’s mouth comment. Maybe the context worked for me because I have a horsey past, I don’t know. But in any case, I wasn’t laying on a table in a doctor’s office with a bunch of needles in my ass—um, maybe the subgenre of BDSM might have worked better for her under the circumstances, something by Claire Thompson?
Anita Sugarcube said on 09.30.10 at 05:12 AM • [link]
I’ll drag my vajayjay to the vet next time it weeps, or the dentist?
Confused and going to bed, but first—I must gird my loins.
Jacqueline Wilson said on 09.30.10 at 05:43 AM • [link]
All i can say is, it is a very good thing I put my tea down before I started reading this
(spam) than 72 reasons, not to read this book!
KinseyHolley said on 09.30.10 at 05:46 AM • [link]
I read a paranormal romance recently where the hero “lathed” the heroine’s nipple with his tongue…
Oh thank God. I always knew I couldn’t be the only one, but to have it confirmed….
thank you Sycorax (/sob)
I hesitate to say what I’m about to say, because my words might come back to haunt me if I’m not careful, but…I think maybe one reason so much hilariously bad sex writing makes it into print or pixels is because it’s read by romance professionals - the author writes it, her crit partners - also authors - read it, it goes to her agent, who reps romance writers, it goes to the editor, the proofers, etc., all the way down the line. The manuscript is handled, beginning to end, by people who spend way more time in Romancelandia than readers—i.e., normal people—do. Romancelandia professionals become desensitized to bad sex writing.
That’s the only explanation I can come up with that explains why no one slaps the author and says
Snap out of it!
I don’t have a crit partner or a crit group. My sisters in law and a couple friends read everything I write. This has its downsides, and I know I probably need to get a crit partner, but I like to think that if I came up with a really bad metaphor, an atrocious simile or gag-inducing euphemism, one of my SAGs (Sisters and Girlfriends - like WAGs, but it also implies age, and…never mind) would say “How many times did we tell you, no drinking while you’re writing and no writing while you’re drinking!”
But like I said, that could be me one day…
Trudy said on 09.30.10 at 06:07 AM • [link]
So I take my son to the petting farm and the lady said to feed the horses with an open palm, but no, my sonny just holds the snacky right up to the horse who then proceeds to suck my son’s little arm right into his mouth almost to the elbow. well, i performed a quick ‘interruptus’ and the horse looks at me like, ‘what???’ so if you think about it, yeah, a comparison could be made. but it’s never gonna be a pretty picture. just sayin
Alexis Harrington said on 09.30.10 at 06:09 AM • [link]
You know, since I came into this late, it was already what my mother calls (appropriate to this particular entry) post time and I have my red zin beside me. Except I read this, snorted the zin out my nose, and now it’s running down the front of my white shirt. Did anyone ever try to get red wine out of a white shirt in a hotel room with no laundry products? Huh, did you?
I might add that it didn’t taste nearly as good coming out through my nose as it did going into my mouth, which is an odd comparison, I know.
Nay, whinny-whinny, nay.
Daisy said on 09.30.10 at 10:47 AM • [link]
“Straight from the horse’s mouth”??
If you’re getting it from the horse’s mouth, no way you can be considered straight.
The latest romance sex scene I read kept referring to “her sweet rain.” Rain? as in showers? drops? downpours? I think you’ve got the wrong tunnel again, author.
Nessa said on 09.30.10 at 11:21 AM • [link]
Just, uh, one question. Is her name Sally or Julia?
Because ... in the chapter where he’s musing about horses and stablemen - and just what does that say about how much he wants her? - it’s all “Sally flushed” and “Sally gasped”. But, in the next chapter, when she’s doing the internal-icky-dialogue thing, it’s Julia who’s doing the panicing and whispering and grinding.
So…? Did her inner, hidden, second personality emerge to save her from the horrors of his weapon-like penis?
AgTigress said on 09.30.10 at 11:51 AM • [link]
While not knowing the difference between laved and lathed is simple ignorance (and it was a VERY common error in 1980s category romances, presumably as the result of one ignorant writer copying it from another, without recourse to a dictionary), I think that unexpected and apparently ill-chosen metaphors and comparisons in sex-scenes are a very different matter. A fuller context is invariably required before a fair and balanced judgement can be made. A turn of phrase used in a sex-scene may be a direct reference back to another, non-erotic scene in the same book, and that may give it a very different impact and different connotations from simply coming upon it cold.
This is why I have always considered our notorious annual ‘Bad Sex Award’ in the UK intrinsically unfair. Even the most beautifully-written scene describing coitus can appear ridiculous or repellent when taken completely out of context, just as actual observed sexual behaviour can be highly objectionable in the wrong context, yet perfectly acceptable in the right time and place. Sexual intercourse, considered wholly objectively, is clumsy, ridiculous and rather unattractive: to appreciate its better points, you have to be there, so to speak, to experience the sequence of emotional and physical processes that make it pleasurable, even sublime. In the case of vicarious experience, the reader has to take part in that build-up along with the fictional characters, and if she does, things that might seem funny, ludicrous or disgusting when baldly stated out of context may appear very different.
I think it is significant that one or two of those who have read the book did not even remember the ‘horse’s mouth’ comparison; if they were enjoying the story, it probably would not have stuck in the mind the way it did in the reviewer’s, let alone taken on the major significance it has in this thread, where a harsh spotlight has been focused upon it. If (and I have no idea whether this is the case) the hero had spent pages teaching the heroine how to bit a nervous horse, and had impressed on her the sensitivity of the animal’s mouth, the importance of gentle handling and a well-fitting bridle, the need to understand the distinctive conformation of the equine jaw, with the diastema (gap in the teeth) where the bit lies, etc. etc., then that comparison in a sex scene, taking the heroine’s (and the reader’s) mind back to such a conversation, might not seem especially bizarre. I bet many of us here have private sex-talk habits, including ridiculous pet-names for the genitalia, that would not bear the light of day if baldly stated out of context. One has to know the background.
:-)
Jane said on 09.30.10 at 12:16 PM • [link]
The hero in Woman on the Run is a horse breeder. He says he is admittedly bad with women. He correlates everything with horses. I think in the epilogue, there is a scene of him going on and on about horses and the heroine is like “enough.”
Julia is in a witness protection program and her fake name is Sally. Sally would be from his POV and Julia from hers until later when her identity is revealed.
As for the hero bragging on his own prowess, I took it more as he was initially astonished to learn that men weren’t gentle when touching a woman around her horse’s mouth.
I re-read the passage yesterday and had no problems with it at all but that doesn’t mean it still isn’t hella funny out of context or that it wouldn’t work for many people within the context.
KinseyHolley said on 09.30.10 at 02:05 PM • [link]
Very good point re: the context, Tigress.
But sometimes, the difference between lathed and laved is sloppy attention to spell check. :)
Teresa said on 09.30.10 at 03:15 PM • [link]
Makes me yearn for the days of heaving bosums and velvet sheaths and throbbing manhoods.
How far have we really come when a woman is compared to a horse????? Were they having oral sex if he’s comparing her to a horses mouth?
Context or not, this is giving Romance a bad name
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time though!
AgTigress said on 09.30.10 at 03:22 PM • [link]
I hadn’t thought of that, but you are probably right: lave is a much less common word than lathe in modern English, so I can see that some spell-checkers might change it. I had always assumed it was due to the writer not knowing the definitions.
:-)
Suzanne Rossi said on 09.30.10 at 04:19 PM • [link]
Some people just shouldn’t write sex scenes until they stop and think. I once read a book in which the heroine was in the throws of passion when the hero paused with his shaft poised at the entrance to “her weeping hole.” This brought to mind a lot of things, none of them involving sex. I read no further. When I finished laughing, I tossed the book in the trash—the only good place for it.
I sincerly hope my love/sex scenes don’t fall into the “too funny to be believed” category.
LoveRocks ( literally, I'm a geologist ) said on 09.30.10 at 04:40 PM • [link]
Now I know I shouldn’t read this page during a business meeting… Hard to laugh, snort, giggle in silence in a room full of male geologists without them going “what so funny?” then you look at them, naked imagry ensues and you just have to leave the room and howl in the hallway…!!!
At
Stephanie C. said on 09.30.10 at 04:45 PM • [link]
I have got to read this book now! Thanks for the laugh :)
Val said on 09.30.10 at 05:01 PM • [link]
Lathed her nipples. Hahahhhahahahahahahaha!!!!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read that exact turn of phrase and thought, “Lathed? That doesn’t sound right. Surely they mean laved” Man, that’s gotta hurt.
Tim, the trim carpenter, lathed her nipples and popped a chalk line to her weeping hole.
Hahahahahahahahahhahahhaaa! *cries
Literary Slut Kilian said on 09.30.10 at 05:36 PM • [link]
I am soooo glad I have learned not to have any beverages around while I am reading the Smart Bitches. I’ve saved my computer more than once with this simple precaution.
Jo Vandewall said on 10.01.10 at 07:09 AM • [link]
And romance writers wonder why the genre gets no respect. It’s no mystery to me. Where is the editor who let this idiocy get printed?
Merry said on 10.03.10 at 03:58 PM • [link]
Maybe it’s just something in the nature of Romance (not sex, so much as the capital R stuff) that lends itself to awful comparisons?
To quote from the Song of Solomon:
“...your hair is like a flock of goats, going down from Mount Gilead.”
(4:1)
Merry said on 10.03.10 at 04:00 PM • [link]
Oh, and the following verse:
“Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep which have come up from the washing, every one of which bears twins and none is barren among them.”
Hey, if an Editor let that one pass, no analogy is safe from publication.
Diana said on 10.06.10 at 03:58 AM • [link]
OMG! Thank goodness I wasn’t eating or drinking. I sometimes wonder what they are thinking when they write that stuff. Dear authors-If you can’t say it right, don’t say it at all.
Tiffany sale said on 10.11.10 at 06:19 AM • [link]
Which are
kinda huge and gapey. with the green foamy slobber from eating grass.
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