Bitchin' Blog Posts
Is that a sword or are you just happy to see me?
by SB Sarah | March 13, 2006 | Monday at 9:55 pm | 15 CommentsAnn Lawrence is one lucky lady. Not only is she quite funny (I’ve met her) but her covers? All feature the Majestic DeSalvo.
Oddly, he’s always holding something long, hard and equally majestic when he’s depicted on her books. Makes me wonder if the art department is trying to..convey something. I mean, you don’t have to hit me over the head with it; I’ll figure it out eventually. Hmm. Maybe he’s going fishing?
Sarah: Lord of the Mist meets Lord of the Wind. It’s like the best grudge match ever! The Lord of the Mist, nebulous like the vapor, cunning as the fog, but damn, he carries a big ass stick. Is he any match for the Lord of the Wind’s, ur, wind?
Candy: Every Saturday, yon Lord of the Mist wreaks devastation in his wake, turning formerly thriving cities into desolate desolate swamps with his dank, noxious fogs—because that’s always the day cook makes her special Lentil Soup and Devilled Eggs lunch.
Sarah: I tell you what, the Lord of the Keep also carries a big ol’ stick, too. What a curious angle he’s holding it at, almost as if he’s… implying something. And if the big stick didn’t get my attention, that
come hither
“Hey, Baby, wanna play with my fishing tackle?” look is certainly a winner.
Candy: Looking at this cover, I get the feeling this dude enjoys duelling with other swords a lot more than sheathing it in a scabbard—if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Sarah: There is nothing virtual about it: This cover has actual mantitty, actual improbable washboard belly, and absolutely breathtaking phallic symbolism. I don’t think he wants to monkey with the Lord of the Mist, though. That would not end well.
Candy: You know a model’s in trouble when he’s trying to out-emote the wooden staff in his hands—and losing.
When I see all three covers, I picture the characters talking like Azul Falcone. “Pretty silken underthings for everybody! And now, we make PARRRTY!” (Ha ha… sissy European lisp thingy.)
Darlene Marshall said on 03.14.06 at 12:57 AM • [comment link]
I’m pleased to see that the SB’s take time out from righting the wrongs of the world (or at least the South Dakota legislature)to give us the cover snark we so desperately crave.
And when the Lord of the Mist meets the Lord of the Wind? I want to be far, far away.
Lauri Doublevie said on 03.14.06 at 05:38 AM • [comment link]
Okay, the guy in the second one looks like he needs a training bra. Mantits don’t sag like that unless it’s an aftereffect of steroid abuse, which I don’t see, but it is apparent in the third one.
The first one looked kinda normal and I was worried that because of SB’s doing their part in protesting against abortion in South Dakota that Candy and Sarah were losing their edge in finding messed up romance novel covers (not saying that they aren’t doing a good job of this or the abortion thing, it’s just that how can anyone be funny when something serious is happening [which is what most people thought after 9/11 happened]), but the little pic in the corner of the woman removing the guy’s shirt (probably to take it back since it’s hers) was worth a couple of laughs.
The third one…can we say “Rob Lowe on steroids?” Also: that snake tattoo looks like one of the following things:
(a) a green and brown scab
(b) a strange upper arm bracelet drawn on by the macho hero’s secret baby.
Jennie said on 03.14.06 at 05:56 AM • [comment link]
Did you ever notice how the mantitty and the title font go hand in hand? The Virtual Warrior guy has a square mantitty & a square font, and the other covers are softer and curvier both in man & font.
Along those same lines, lords seem to be curly font folks & warriors are square font boys. :-)
SB Sarah said on 03.14.06 at 06:03 AM • [comment link]
Nah, #1 is pretty dang bad: the blowing mullet, the shadow-casting man-titty, the title font, the bizarre cyst on his elbow….
Robyn said on 03.14.06 at 08:38 AM • [comment link]
Thank you so much for Lord of the Mist. I like my DeSalvo blankly staring over my shoulder into the middle distance. I can’t pretend he’s brainy but he doesn’t skeeve me out like the ‘come hither’ covers.
Lauri Doublevie said on 03.14.06 at 05:28 PM • [comment link]
That’s what I meant when I said it looked normal at first…although I didn’t notice the cyst on his elbow until now—though I could have easily said it was wandering silicone from his man-titty, one of those under the skin zits that blow up a lot of pus from a pin-sized hole if you keep squeezing them (I have those under my arms when I use low-quality deodorants), or a tumor.
Ostrea said on 03.14.06 at 06:00 PM • [comment link]
Nah, that’s not a cyst. It’s the bolt for his elbow hinge.
KariBelle said on 03.14.06 at 07:31 PM • [comment link]
Is it just me or in #3 does his head appear to be too small for his body? Do we have an artist who does not understand proper body proportions or is the mega-mullett actually necessary to balance out his massive man-titty?
Reese Witherfork said on 03.15.06 at 04:55 AM • [comment link]
It’s the mullets that really piss me off. Do these cover artists like mullets themselves, or do they think that the only people who read romance novels are ageing headbangers with those little mink tails hanging off their black leather purses. Wankers.
Lauri Doublevie said on 03.15.06 at 08:33 AM • [comment link]
Me too…but the bad male hairstyle that really gets to me is the curly, Joe Piscopo circa 1980 (when he was on Saturday Night Live) man perm.
Anna said on 03.15.06 at 05:06 PM • [comment link]
OMG…
A Wizard’s Staff has a knobontheend, a knobontheend, a knobontheend…..
K said on 03.15.06 at 11:30 PM • [comment link]
Just came to your site for the first time.
Hilarious!
Mistress Stef said on 03.15.06 at 11:48 PM • [comment link]
I read big ass stick a bit oddly, as in a big stick for an ass. I think I need a break from erotica editing. Or ass sticks.
April said on 03.16.06 at 08:01 AM • [comment link]
Okay. Speaking as a cover artist? No, I can’t stand mullets. BIG turn off. BIG! But I have authors who request long-haired heroes on the covers every now and then.
Reese Witherfork said on 03.16.06 at 10:35 PM • [comment link]
Re: the mullets, again, perhaps it’s some facet of romance as “escapist literature.” I am such a snob that I wouldn’t even fantasize about a guy with a mullet, but maybe some women do. I’m on record as saying that I strictly fantasize about convicts and sumo wrestlers - but I don’t see them on book covers ... yet.
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