Bitchin' Blog Posts
Iron Cowboy by Diana Palmer: A Guest Review by Nonnie
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | March 22, 2010 | Monday at 10:39 am | 139 Comments
Nonnie’s back! Our favorite anonymous reviewer, back for more fun and reviews-in-list-formation with a look at Diana Palmer’s Iron Cowboy.
The One That Made Me Cry (With Laughter)
By Nonnie
There are a few things you need to know before you start reading a Diana Palmer novel:
There is a 95% chance biscuits will be involved.
Women’s rights are a nebulous, easily dismissed issue.
Any slang in the book will come straight out of the 70s, along with most clothing styles, despite the fact that the books are meant to be contemporary romances.
The hero will be at least 12 years older than the heroine, who is more often than not between 18 and 23 years old.
The heroine has an 85% chance of getting pregnant the first time they do it, and will know she is pregnant in minutes (due to an aversion to the smell of bacon).
IRON COWBOY (Silhouette Desire #1856, 2008) has all the hallmarks of a typical Diana Palmer romance and more. MUCH MORE. As such, think of this more as a MST3K of the book, rather than a true review. In other words, I will be breaking it down for you, and this entire post is a big old spoiler alert. Please don’t let that get in the way of buying and reading it for yourselves, because DAMN, you guys. This is genius. Okay, now that that’s out of the way, on with the show.
1. Our heroine is Sara Dobbs, a 19 year old, innocent assistant manager of a bookstore in Jacobsville, TX, population less than 2000. (As we have seen through many previous books, for every one regular citizen in Jacobsville there are 5 mercenaries, 7 ranchers, and 10 drug dealers.)
2. On page 2 of the book we find out Sara has a sad past. Her parents did dangerous work abroad. (This is left deliberately vague at this point, but the implication is missionary work.) Her dad died violently, Sara and her mother move back home to her grandfather’s house in Jacobsville, and her mother becomes an alcoholic slut as a result of the tragedy. WOE. After being beat up by the children of her mother’s most recent lover, Sara runs home battered and bruised and her mother, riddled with guilt, vows to turn over a new leaf. But then a few days later…Sara quits thinking about it and we don’t find out what happened. If you’re wondering why this back story is dumped onto page 2, I AM TOO.
3. Our hero is the mysterious Jared Cameron. He recently rolled into town and bought the White Horse Ranch lock, stock, and barrel. Jared shows up at the bookstore and berates Sara for the lack of hardcovers and financial magazines. Then he tells her he likes mystery novels, biographies, first person adventure novels, and “anything factual on the North African campaign of World War II”. All righty then.
4. Jared orders books and wants them delivered and bitches about the time that will take. Jared, there is something called Amazon.com. Look it up. Sara meanwhile wants to charge him a $10 delivery fee for having to drive 6 miles out of town. Way to encourage repeat customers, Sara.
5. After the books come in, Sara talks to Tony the Dancer (Jared’s bodyguard. I KNOW. SO WEIRD.) and arranges a delivery time. “The voice had a decidedly Southern accent. Not a Texas one, a Georgia one, if she were guessing. She had an ear for accents. Her Grandfather had taught students from all over the country and around the world at Jacobsville Community College, and he often brought them home.” ORLY? A town population less than 2,000 would be able to not only sustain a community college, but would attract people from all over the country and the world?
6. As I mentioned earlier, Jacobsville is a hotbed of drug dealing activity. Despite the fact that there have been multiple shootouts wherein the drug dealers ALWAYS lose, and despite the fact that there’s a bunch of former military, mercenary, and law enforcement ranchers living in and around the town, they keep coming back and trying to set up new meth labs and shit. Drug dealers aren’t very smart.
7. You know who else isn’t smart? Sara. She is a single woman, living alone, and doesn’t own a cell phone. Nice.
8. Oh, and you’ll be happy to know that Sara has conservative morals, goes to church, and doesn’t “give out” on dates. I bet that prissy bitch doesn’t “put out”, either.
9. A few weeks later, having gone on a date with another man (hussy!), Sara stumbles across Jared at the local cemetery. The funeral he went to in Jacobsville 8 months prior was his daughter’s. Sad. He decided to bury her there because his grandfather lived in Jacobsville.
10. Chit-chat at the cemetery leads to Jared and Sara agreeing to be each other’s family and take care of each other when they’re sick. I don’t even know. What I do know is that this is some mighty big foreshadowing!
11. Sure enough, less than a week later Sara almost dies of a perforated appendix. Of course, since it ruptured, she had to have old-school, cut you wide open surgery, instead of the much easier to recover form laparoscopic option. Foreshadowing, part two.
12. Jared whisks Sara back to his ranch to recuperate, amongst heated sexual tension and mysterious talk of enemies closing in. But no worries! Sara will be kept completely in the dark and should be in no danger, right?
13. Upon arrival at Jared’s ranch, Sara meets Max, Jared’s supremely unprofessional, super seductive looking attorney. Max is pissed and jealous of Sara, naturally.
14. A few days later, Sara is back at home and back at work. Still a bit sore, she attends a local barbeque in the company of Harley, a cowboy at a local ranch. Jared is there with – oh noes! – Max. DRAMA.
15. There seems to be some confusion about Sara’s incision. On Sara’s part, sadly. After first getting out of the hospital, she remarks that it’s a 6 inch incision. Now, at the barbeque, she says its 4 inches. That’s…a pretty big difference.
16. Holy cow. Max done lost her mind. Sara laughs at something and Max, believing herself to be laughed at, hauls off and slaps Sara right across her laughing mouf. I’m pretty sure that behavior is unacceptable anywhere, and at any time. Other than in soap operas. And yet Max is astonished when she is kicked off the property.
17. You know what else people in Jacobsville can do? DANCE. Is a mutha-effing dance-off, y’all! The Caldwell’s are doing a spirited Paso Doble, but then the Grier’s challenge them to a Tango. I’m totally not kidding here, guys. In a previous book there was a dance battle to the Macarena. THE MACARENA. Only 10 years after the fad came and went too. That’s practically current, by Palmer’s standards!
18. Jared returns from taking Max home, sweeps Sara off her feet, and then takes her home. He bluntly tells her he’s too old for just kisses, and that if she doesn’t want more she should tell him now and he’ll leave and end it tonight. Poor dumb Sara. Her internal thought process goes something like this: “I should tell him to leave, but he’s super hot. I’m a good girl! But he’s sooo dreamy. Surely he doesn’t want to have sex? He just wants some heavy petting. Yeah, that’s all he wants. And really, if it gets out of hand, I’ll just tell him to stop!” Poor poor Sara.
19. Sure enough, she is pretty much date raped on the couch. She loves the heavy petting and foreplay, but when shit gets real, she wants no part of it. Too bad a semi-drunk Jared doesn’t get the picture. When he comes out of his orgasm coma, he realizes Sara is not having fun. His reaction is not to sooth and reassure her of course, it’s to bitterly complain about small town girls and their repressed attitudes. Of course, once he figures out she vas a virgin he’s totally kind and gentle and understanding, right? HELLS NO. He is all “but you’re on birth controls, right? RIGHT? No? FUCK. I suppose you want all my monies now, hoor! But the joke is on you! I don’t want any more children, so you’ll either abort this hypothetical child, or I will sue you so the whole world can see you for what you are!!!!11!!1!!” (Sue her for what, I wonder? Not aborting her child? CLASSY.)
20. After this awesome reaction, Jared halfheartedly hopes he didn’t hurt her, and Sara retires to her room in a fit of well-earned catatonia.
21. Oh Sara. She is gazing at the fallen woman in her bedroom mirror. Unlike most Palmer heroines, she does know there’s such a thing as a “morning after pill” but her reasoning for not using it is that she would have to see a local doctor for it and that then the whole town would know about it. HONEY. Doctor-patient confidentiality. Look it up.
22. Jared, wracked with pseudo-guilt, gets blitzed the next day at his ranch. Max the whorish attorney didn’t leave as ordered, and instead is lying in wait. Catching Jared at a vulnerable moment, she convinces him that Sara was the aggressor and deliberately set out to seduce him. Jared agrees to let Max handle things, with a feeble “don’t hurt her”. This is some telenovela shit, this is.
23. Bright and early Monday, Max shows up at the bookstore with a check for 10,000 dollars and a crazy story. Seems as though Jared has been hiding out in Jacobsville because three “illegal aliens” from South America have come up to kidnap him and hold him for ransom. Seems that Jared is an oil magnate who foiled a group of terrorists that targeted his South American oil pipeline. The survivors are determined to kidnap him even though he no longer owns that pipeline? Because that way they’ll recoup some monies? I don’t even know. Long story short: BAD GUYS IS COMIN’! Only not really, because according to Max, they were apprehended outside Virginia that very day.
24. After more cutting words Max seems to realize that Sara may not have had a fantastic time with Jared. She finds out her true age and is like OMGWTFBBQ!!1! and backtracks like mad. You know you’ve been a dick when the no-good, aggressive, she-demon realizes you’ve crossed the line. Way to go, Jared.
25. Jared finds out the truth and feels awful. About time. Tony finds out the truth and hates Jared. Go Tony! Max turns out to be mega-dumb as apparently she inadvertently gave away her boss’s location and information to terrorists going by the super-obvious terrorist name “the Reconquistas”. Good thing they were apprehended…OR WERE THEY?
26. The next morning, Sara shows up at the bookstore and notices a beat up van in the parking lot. Her boss Dee is leaving to go to the bank and pick up some coffee, and they remark upon the van as she heads out. Shortly after she leaves, THREE STRANGE MEN walk into the bookstore. Shits about to get real, y’all.
27. They are tall and swarthy and muscular! She knows what the people in Jacobsville look like, these men is dark and foreign looking! They must be terrorists! (Apparently no hispanice live in this tiny Texas town near the border?) And holy craps, she is too far from the phone (only they haven’t made a move toward her yet). And she only has the pocket knife she uses to cut open boxes with as defense! WHAT IS SHE GON’ DO?
28. And then. Guys. Seriously. Now comes the part in the book that literally made me cry with laughter. I mean, to the point that I stopped reading, called a few friends, and practically pissed myself laughing as I tried to adequately explain what happened. SRSLY. Sara realizes she only has one shot. And HOLY CRAP is it a long shot. And here is where I quote verbatim from the book: “If she stabbed herself with the pocketknife and they could see blood, and she pretended to be unconscious and tried to look dead, they might be startled into leaving.” I KNOW I WOULD BE STARTLED INTO LEAVING. So let’s just recap for a second. Sara sees three strange swarthy (aka dark skinned furriners) men walk into the bookstore. She immediately thinks “terrorists!” even though they have yet to make any threatening move toward her. Too far from a phone (I guess? Now that I am rereading, she makes no mention of the phone as an option before she comes to this awesome plan of action) she decides her only chance is to STAB HER OWN FOOLISH ASS and play dead. Even better! She figured that since she knows where her appendicitis incision is, she will stab herself there since there probably isn’t anything vital nearby. Except maybe your freaking KIDNEY.
29. Then we get this:
“You come with us,” one of the men said in accented English. “We see you with the lawyer. You are Cameron’s woman. He will pay for you.”
“I am nobody’s woman. I will die before I go with you!” she said. And giving up a silent prayer, she jabbed the pocketknife into the incision, through her blouse. “Ooooh!” she cried, because it did hurt.
She crumpled to the floor with blood on her hands and shirt. She sighed heavily and held her breath. She looked dead.
The men hesitated. They’d planned well, and now their hostage had committed suicide right in front of them!
30. Let’s recap. She jabbed herself with a POCKETKNIFE. Which probably had, what? A 2 to 3 inch blade, tops? Into her SIDE. She squeaks out a little “oooh!” and collapses and the freaking terrorists believe she’s dead? Also “they’d planned well”? ORLY? They decided to confront her in an open bookstore during business hours on a main street with passing traffic? Instead of following her home and nabbing her at night? And yet this is an example of master planning? No wonder they’ve been so successful. BRILLIANT.
31. Lucky for her, Harley shows up wearing a side-arm he uses to shoot rattlers on the ranch. The no-doubt incredibly confused terrorists make a run for it. To her credit, Sara admits to Harley that she stabbed herself, and to his credit, Harley is super confused by that. The chief of police comes by the hospital later to tell her that the three “Arabic” prisoners who were apprehended in Virginia escaped the day before, and were presumed to be the same guys who menaced her. The chief, upon hearing of her improvised stabbing, SMILES AT HER WITH RESPECT. WITH RESPECT. Ahahahaha!
32. The three kidnappers are caught, and Tony the Dancer comes to see her in the hospital. He offers to care for her while she’s recovering from her latest injury, and when she asks what Jared will think he tells her he is quitting now that the terrorists have been caught. Rightly assuming she’s the cause of the problems between Tony & Jared, Sara flushes. The doctor sees the flush, immediately assumes she has been sexxoring Jared, and asks to speak to her privately.
“You don’t have to say it. I read faces very well. What do you want to do?”
She started to deny it. She knew better. (Dr.) Coltrain was a force of nature. “I can’t kill an ant,” she said.
So is she pregnant? WHO KNOWS. All we know is that she can’t kill ants!
33. Tony chooses this moment to reveal that he was there when Sara was almost killed in Africa as a child. He was an American mercenary in the firefight that killed her father and gave her a traumatic brain injury. Okay. Thanks for letting us know, Tony!
34. Tony takes Sara home where they talk about his tragic past, Jared and his bone-headedness, and the future. Sara gets a phone call – the children’s book she’s been working on (off stage, of course) has been accepted by Mirabella publishing! She’s gonna be an author, y’all! And she gets paid and everything!
35. Then Jared shows up and the truth is out. Sara was only 10 when a grenade blast killed her daddy and scrambled her brains. She still has a piece in there! That’s why she has trouble color matching and remembering some things! WOE. WOOOOOOE! Jared feels like a dick.
36. A lot of boring stuff happens, and long story short, Tony is going to jail to get in with the kidnappers so when they’re released on bail they will be caught in the act of kidnapping. Jared is staying with Sara and they’re talking about this potentially one week old zygote like it is the real deal. Everyone loves a babby, right? RIGHT!
37. Oh! Also. In addition to being an oil tycoon, Jared used to be a securities expert, and prior to that was a cop in San Antonio, and before THAT he was in the Special Forces. Just how old is this fool, anyway?
38. Everything goes pretty much according to plan, the kidnappers are facing real charges now, and Jared asks Sara to marry him. There’s just one problem. She is afraid of sex now! Yup, Jared was soooo good last time that he gave the poor girl a phobia. Cue Barry White music and a slow, gentle lovemaking session.
39. Wonder of wonders, after a quickie wedding and a discussion of soccer (yeah, I don’t even know WTF brought that on), Sara tells Jared that she received her monthly visitor so there’s no baby as of yet. Jared tells her they will wait to start a family and will instead explore the world and find her a bookstore to own. MARRY ME, JARED!
I guess the moral of the story is, when a woman is feeling menaced she should forget about screaming for help, and should instead stab her appendix with the nearest sharp object. (Diana Palmer, Smart Bitches, Harlequin and their parent companies are not responsible for any of the said injuries should you indeed stab yourself.)
(SB Sarah adds: Thanks a LOT, Nonnie. Now I have “Hold me closer, Tony Dancer,” stuck in my head. Great.)
Iron Cowboy is available at Amazon.com, IndieBound,Book Depository,Powell’s, and AllRomanceeBooks.com. Either my Search-Fu has failed me, or it’s not available at eHarlequin.com.
9780373768561
Filed: General Bitching, Guest Bitch Reviews, Authors, L-P
Tagged: wtf, texas, silhouette, romance, nonnie, harlequin, dick, contemporary
ms bookjunkie said on 03.22.10 at 11:50 AM • [link]
I give this review five biscuits, with a side of awesomesauce!
Aleyna said on 03.22.10 at 12:07 PM • [link]
My only question…was this a romance or a comedy?? Either way, I think I am now going to have to find and read it. And make sure I pee before hand so I don’t wet myself. LOL
Shelly said on 03.22.10 at 12:31 PM • [link]
I was a bit confused reading that. I thought Palmer was having a little foray into teh gayness with Max being a superseductive lawyer and getting jealous and I didn’t realise it was a Maxine type Max rather than a Maxwell type Max.
Lorelie said on 03.22.10 at 12:52 PM • [link]
*snortgiggle* Nonnie, will you go steady with me?
lilacsigil said on 03.22.10 at 01:10 PM • [link]
Excellent review!
HONEY. Doctor-patient confidentiality. Look it up.
Actually, if she lives in a small town, I think this is not an unreasonable fear. I work in a small town pharmacy, and people come from other small towns to fill prescriptions all the time, so that people they know don’t see them. We have to drill our staff on confidentiality, YES, EVEN IF IT’S YOUR COUSIN/AUNT/NEIGHBOUR/EX-BOYFRIEND! Of course, she could drive to another town…
Stephanie said on 03.22.10 at 01:12 PM • [link]
No way. No fuh-reaking way. I’m speechless. How does this drivel make it into print? And better yet, who, (besides those reading it for comic effect) buys this shee-ut?
Ros said on 03.22.10 at 01:28 PM • [link]
I am at home sick today, and I desperately needed cheering up. THIS WINS!!!
Jenyfer Matthews said on 03.22.10 at 01:29 PM • [link]
OMGWTFBBQ! I’d never make it through the book (truthfully it’s stuff like this that gives the genre a bad name) but that was one hysterical review!!!
Jenyfer Matthews said on 03.22.10 at 01:30 PM • [link]
Oh! Also. In addition to being an oil tycoon, Jared used to be a securities expert, and prior to that was a cop in San Antonio, and before THAT he was in the Special Forces. Just how old is this fool, anyway?
BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Maggie P. said on 03.22.10 at 01:39 PM • [link]
ahh, I love cheesy Diana Palmer. I didn’t mean to, honestly. I started reading them when I was 12 and even though many of the viewpoints presented directly contradict my own it is still like comfort food to me.
Tovah said on 03.22.10 at 01:52 PM • [link]
Whoa! I don’t think I’d make my way through this (who am I kidding? Once I started how could I stop?) but thanks for taking one for the team and reviewing it:)
SheaLuna said on 03.22.10 at 02:11 PM • [link]
Wait. WTF? She stabbed herself????????????? I think this girl is a couple biscuits short of a donut shop! Talk about OMGWTF. This is quite possibly one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Eat your heart out MST3K!!!!!!
RfP said on 03.22.10 at 02:13 PM • [link]
I too was intrigued by this:
“Sara meets Max, Jared’s supremely unprofessional, super seductive looking attorney. Max is pissed and jealous of Sara, naturally.”
Had Jared shown up to paso doble with another man in Jacobsville, TX, the WTFery would have juuust passed that threshold that would entice me to read it.
BevQB said on 03.22.10 at 02:15 PM • [link]
she jabbed the pocketknife into the incision, through her blouse
Wait, I had my appendix taken out surgically about 13 years ago. My incision is on the lower right side of my abdomen.
So if she only stabbed herself through her blouse, she was either:
A) nekkid from the blouse down
or
B) a different species
Shall we vote?
JamiSings said on 03.22.10 at 02:45 PM • [link]
I, too, thought Max was a man. Would’ve made it more interesting. A gay man with no straightdar (as opposed to gaydar) who keeps going after straight guys and gets all insanely jealous and confused when those men chase after women.
I have to admit I wouldn’t do the morning after pill either. Though for different reasons, my own feelings of morality.
Darlene Marshall said on 03.22.10 at 02:49 PM • [link]
I love Monday mornings. The smell of coffee, the thought that I get to bang my head against the keyboard again until blood flows, and of course, a nice weekday dose of craziness in review land.
Thank you for sharing this, biscuits and all. And yes, I too was hoping Max was Teh Gay boyfriend who bitch slaps the bookstore owner. Bring on the popcorn!
PK said on 03.22.10 at 02:50 PM • [link]
I’m getting in line with Lorelie to ask Nonnie to be mine all mine. ZOMG, that is good stuff!
Another anon said on 03.22.10 at 03:04 PM • [link]
Do you suppose the LUNA fantasy books she writes as Susan Kyle have biscuits in ‘em, too?
marg said on 03.22.10 at 03:05 PM • [link]
the world would be a sadder place without these books and their reviews so thanks Diana and Nonnie for making me LOL and depositing a fine spray of a very nice white on my poor abused screen! CHEERS….
Rueyn said on 03.22.10 at 03:11 PM • [link]
This review made my day :D
Cara McKenna / Meg Maguire said on 03.22.10 at 03:30 PM • [link]
Oh sweet Jebus, I’ve nearly got control over my convulsing diaphragm. Hang on…okay… I’m good.
Between possibly the least charming, book-snobbiest, drunk date-rapin’est hero I’ve ever heard of, Tony the Danza, the Power of Lurrrve™ striking in a cemetery over dead-child chit-chat, a self-stabbing heroine, false alarm baby drama plus a false-womb-reading doctor, about six quasi-resolved-sounding plot lines, and discussions of soccer, I’m left with just two questions:
1. How old was Jared?
2. Were there biscuits?
RebeccaJ said on 03.22.10 at 03:34 PM • [link]
I am soooo glad you posted this review. I gave up on Palmer books a LONG time ago when I realized she was writing the same book over and over. I don’t even know how this crap gets published anymore. I think the WORST is when her overly naive heroines—which would be ALL of them—are SO naive you wondered how they managed to live to a ripe old age of 20 without killing themselves. And God forbid they read a book about S.E.X. to learn anything.
I suggest Diana moves into the 21st century with the rest of us, but I guess that’s asking too much.
AngW said on 03.22.10 at 03:36 PM • [link]
Laughing so hard. Oh, did I need this today. Thank you, Nonnie!
quichepup said on 03.22.10 at 04:06 PM • [link]
OK, I finished wiping down my monitor.
The hero (?) griping about a lack of financial magazines and hardbacks in a small smalltown bookstore made me snort. Dude, ever hear of the internets and online subscriptions? Though I don’t blame her for trying to charge him $10 to deliver his books, I have sometimes wished we could charge people like this for asshattery behavior.
In Palmer’s defense I can imagine 7 ranchers in a town that size. And sadly quite a few drug dealers.
Thanks Nonnie, I would like to ask for your hand too.
MelB said on 03.22.10 at 04:29 PM • [link]
It took me a while before I could compose myself enough to write this response. Nonnie, what a riot and an awesome way to start the work week. I read one Diana Palmer book and never looked back. I hate the 18-19 year old heroine paired with the mid-30’s hero who has at least three life times worth of experience. And while the cluster of ranchers is plausible, the plethora of ex-military/mercenary guys…hell to the no.
Castiron said on 03.22.10 at 04:31 PM • [link]
Add me to the list of those disappointed to learn that Max wasn’t a man.
I can buy a college in a tiny town that has a program in a specialized subject (especially something like good enough to attract people from around the world, but not a community college.
Awesome review!
TaraL said on 03.22.10 at 04:34 PM • [link]
I could actually see this happening. Perhaps Sara wasn’t confused, maybe she was actually getting smarter as the book progressed. Maybe when she first gets out of the hospital she sees that her incision is what an old boyfriend told her was six inches. Six perfectly adequate, normal inches. But by the time the BBQ rolls around, she has actually bought a ruler and realizes that it’s really only four inches. See, how that could happen? She’s learning. Is that what you call character arc?
TKF said on 03.22.10 at 04:36 PM • [link]
I’m sorry, this is actually from the book verbatim? *head/desk* Just whose fucking POV is “She looked dead” supposed to be in? I know this is a minor quibble at this point, but honestly.
@Sarah: I will kill you for “Hold me closer, Tony Dancer”. Damn you!
Word Verifcation: arms47. I I had an AK, I’d kill all those bitches.
AmandaG said on 03.22.10 at 04:39 PM • [link]
Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.
Awesome review. Took me forever to read this since I had to keep wiping away the tears!
Kate R said on 03.22.10 at 04:40 PM • [link]
I’m sorry. You’re guilty of a gross under-exaggeration.
The Macarena has been out of style for fifteen years, not ten only two reviewer points subtracted. Otherwise a near-perfect score.
MarieC said on 03.22.10 at 04:42 PM • [link]
What an awesome review! This is better than coffee, to jump start the morning!
Sandy D. said on 03.22.10 at 04:42 PM • [link]
I hope you all know (unlike Sara, and Diana Palmer, apparently) that in the US, you can get Plan B (the “morning after pill”) at most pharmacies, without seeing a dr, as long as you’re over 17. Of course, you do need to ask the pharmacist for it. But there’s a coupon for $10 and a card you can print out to hand the pharmacist here: http://www.planbonestep.com/
Kalen Hughes said on 03.22.10 at 04:42 PM • [link]
The beauty of the morning after pill is that you DON’T have to see a doctor to get it. Just walk into the pharmacy and ask for it. Don’t want to do in your small town pharma where everyone knows you? Drive to the closet “big” town and walk into a fricken Walgreens.
Kalen Hughes said on 03.22.10 at 04:43 PM • [link]
I see SandyD beat me to it!
JamiSings said on 03.22.10 at 04:56 PM • [link]
For all of those folks who have the “Hold my closer, Tony Danza” thing stuck in your head, I present to you three videos that will replace that earworm with a different one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2HQ1K7YyQM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lul-Y8vSr0I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkhtzxvQlJ0
*quickly hides before anyone can beat her up*
Jenica said on 03.22.10 at 05:00 PM • [link]
Thanks for brightening my Monday! As someone who has read a number of other novels (or telenovelas) set in Jacobsville, I about spewed when I read the 1:5:7:10 per capita statistic for boring regular folk: mercenaries: ranchers: drug dealers. Absolutely accurate of my reading experience, yet so much funnier when you say it. Nonnie, can you give us a weekly column? Pretty please?
AgTigress said on 03.22.10 at 05:05 PM • [link]
When I first read a few Diana Palmer category romances in the early 1980s, I thought she was weird, but I assumed she was already elderly then and a bit out of touch. Turns out that she’s younger than I am, and belongs to exactly the same immediately post-war generation as several other novelists in the genre who have moved with the times. Her all-time ghastliest book that I recall was entitled Enamored: if anyone wants to savour the totally abusive 1980s hero (paired with the innocent and saintly Patient-Griselda wife), in all his savage glory, that’s a fine example. Though to be fair to Palmer, Elizabeth Lowell and, alas, Linda Howard perpetrated books as bad as that, in precisely the same way, at the time.
And TaraL, I treasure your absolutely brilliant explanation about the length of Sara’s appendix incision!
:-)
Bibliophile said on 03.22.10 at 05:07 PM • [link]
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for brightening up my day. Sounds like a book that would either make me angry enough to throw it at the wall or make me laugh myself to death (depeding on my mood).
Captcha is “under55”. I should bloody well think so!
Nonnie said on 03.22.10 at 05:12 PM • [link]
Thanks, guys! I, too, wish that Max had been a guy. It would have made for a more interesting story, that’s for sure.
Sadly, I have a bit of an obsession with Diana Palmer. As horrible as her books usually are, I just can’t quit her. In fact, maybe I’ll have to do a semi-weekly Palmer review. JUST TO SHARE THE HORROR.
Because really, a Macarena dance-off should be shared with the world.
CourtneyLee said on 03.22.10 at 05:19 PM • [link]
I was disappointed that Max turned out to be a woman, too, especially because it was indicated after the bitchslap, which went from hilarious and drama-queen coming from a man to mildy shitt coming from a jealous woman.
I can’t buy this book because I’d throw it against a wall ten pages in, but I’m so glad Nonnie does these reviews. THis was better than Pregnesia!
Thinking Plan B requires a prescription isn’t as bad as the heroine receiving a prescription from her doctor for prenatal vitamins, which happened in a Silhouette I read a few years ago. She was one of those “got preggo my first time” heroines and it was her boss (she was his secretary. Oy). Also, when she threw up one morning about four days after the sexxoring, he KNEW it was because she was pregnant, because it was impossible that maybe she ate something funky or was getting sick. *puh-lease*
I hate books that ridiculous, but I’ll suffer them if it means Nonnie can write reviews like this for us. :D
Roslyn Holcomb said on 03.22.10 at 05:23 PM • [link]
I come from a small town, though not as tiny as Jacobsville, it has fewer than 50k people, and our community college attracts people from around the world. Or at least the Middle East, Africa and Asia. They don’t have any specialized programs that I know of, and no I have no idea why people come from all around the world to go there.
Palmer used to be my guilty pleasure, until I discovered I could have just as much fun reading other people’s reviews of her books. Mrs. Giggles has a collection that really should be on The Daily Show.
TaraL said on 03.22.10 at 05:26 PM • [link]
@AgTigress - Thank you. I also thought it helped explain why she was still a virgin. *snort*
darlynne said on 03.22.10 at 05:35 PM • [link]
My first thought was “look away, look away!” I have to excuse myself now. Nonnie, thank you. That was great.
Lori said on 03.22.10 at 05:52 PM • [link]
I want to add my thanks to Nonnie for reading this so the rest of us don’t have to. Way to take one for the team!
The only disappointing thing about this awesome review is that we didn’t do it as a Read & Post. This would have been even better than that crazy book about the football tickets that Sarah read whenever we did that—last year? The year before?
Laura (in PA) said on 03.22.10 at 05:59 PM • [link]
HA! Hahahahahahahahahaha….
Suze said on 03.22.10 at 06:04 PM • [link]
I’m another “thought Max was a guy” person, and that would have been AWESOME. Totally alien to Diana Palmer’s universe (oh, how I loved her stuff when I was 14), but awesome.
JamiSings, if your moral misgivings about the morning after pill are related to abortion, you should know that the pill doesn’t cause abortion, it prevents conception. If you’re already pregnant, it won’t do anything, but if you’re not, then there’s a good (89%) chance you’ll stay that way.
From How Stuff Works:
Phyllis said on 03.22.10 at 06:34 PM • [link]
I read a truly terrible Diana Palmer book once. And I asked around and tried to read one of her books that was said to be ‘good’. I got less than halfway through and I, who hate leaving any book unfinished, just couldn’t do it.
And again I ask: why do real authors NOT get published while she cranks out several books a year. Who buys this sh**?
Karen H said on 03.22.10 at 06:42 PM • [link]
Your review was great! Looks like Diana has changed her ways a little bit from when I gave up reading her books about Texas. Back then, all those virginal girls had their first orgasms from having their breasts caressed (and nothing else). I got really tired of that one.
Liz said on 03.22.10 at 06:55 PM • [link]
i was too. from the description of the town, i was really confused since obviously there could be no gay people in Jacobsville, what with no Hispanic people living in a Texas border town.
Castiron said on 03.22.10 at 07:03 PM • [link]
Roslyn, I stand corrected re: community colleges! Thanks!
hand88—either something about pianos, or the number of times the heroine slapped away the hero’s hand?
willaful said on 03.22.10 at 07:08 PM • [link]
Also disappointed that there the sudden titilating appearance of homoeroticism in DP was just a Big Misunderstanding.
Scary thing… I read this one. A bit over a year ago. I have an amazing memory for books and yet, not one of these plot points has stuck with me.
boys74—I was wishin’!
DreadPirateRachel said on 03.22.10 at 07:25 PM • [link]
This is one of the more truly awesome reviews I’ve read lately. Just the thing to wake me up on a quiet morning at work, which is, incidentally, at a Community College. We have a total of maybe 20 international students. On a good day.
Maybe Jacobsville Community College has a really great athletics program! *snort*
Liz said on 03.22.10 at 07:26 PM • [link]
just remembered that my 1 and only Diana Palmer was actually a gift from what i am sure was a well-meaning family member that knew i liked reading romance novels. i got maybe 5 pages in before i had to stop reading: she had paired a 36 year old man with a 21 year old girl—it was a little too icky for my 19 year old brain to imagine…hell it is still slightly icky to my 23 year old brain.
Kristina said on 03.22.10 at 07:32 PM • [link]
Ummm ok…. is it weird that through this entire review I was imagining the voice of Mike Myers (SNL, Waynes World) reading this at a very fast speed with dramatic pauses????
BTW, LMAO many times. Thanks Noni.
I do have to admit though that all through my formative years I was a HUGE Diana Palmer fan. I have every single one of her books (I think) up to about 2000…. then I left the romance genre behind for awhile. Since I bought my Kindle I’ve downloaded serveral of her books but I just cant bring myself to read them!! My maturity has ruined a good ass-hat abusive romance novel forever for me.
Thanks for the laughter, love ya!!
RebeccaJ said on 03.22.10 at 07:37 PM • [link]
OMG, Karen, that is so true!
BTW, Nonnie, have you ever heard from Diana about your reviews?
Julia Sullivan said on 03.22.10 at 07:39 PM • [link]
Those are the most clueless terrorists in the entire world. What are they from, the Circus Clowns’ Liberation Front? A LADY JUST STABBED HERSELF WITH A TINY KNIFE SHE MUST BE DEAD LET US RUN MY COMRADES!
And I don’t understand—were they The Reconquista, or were they “Arabic”? Are there two groups of terrorists running around in this tiny town?
KMont said on 03.22.10 at 07:47 PM • [link]
Yep, pile me onto the large pile of folks who thought Max was a guy - and found it awesome! Other than that, great review. Having new tear ducts installed cuz old ones shorted out.
susan said on 03.22.10 at 07:50 PM • [link]
I’ve never read Diana Palmer, but after this I will read every review that Nonnie writes.
Mindy Holt said on 03.22.10 at 07:57 PM • [link]
I am new to this site and so this is the first thing I have read.
I laughed so hard. Diana Palmer was one of the first Romance writers I read and I loved probably the first 15. Then of course I started noticeing umm the above rules for Diana Palmer books and also the interesting facts about the poor town of Jacobsville.
I stopped reading b/c I even started to notice continuity and editing errors. It breaks my heart not to read them though… call it teenage nostalgia.
Thank you for the cliff notes version above and the little bit of snot that came out of my nose while laughing.
Julie M said on 03.22.10 at 07:59 PM • [link]
OMG! This was so “expletive"ingly awesome. I still won’t read Diana Palmer but I will be looking for more reviews by Nonnie.
Suze said on 03.22.10 at 08:00 PM • [link]
Or were they a new, radical group of South American Catholic-Islamic Jihadists? Or perhaps disgruntled Middle Eastern, Hispanic…um. Re-conquistadors? No, wait! It’s the FLQ! They’re back, and they’re meaner, badder, and tanner than before! And in Texas, because why not?
I guess it’s enough that they’re vaguely foreign. Because you know those vaguely foreign types are always up to no good.
was85 - you know, I think the last time I read a Diana Palmer was in 1985.
Lily said on 03.22.10 at 08:08 PM • [link]
Please tell me laughing this hard counts as a workout!
Pure genius as far as reviews go.
Tamara Hogan said on 03.22.10 at 08:12 PM • [link]
OMG, I’m gonna pee my pants here. Quick, someone pass me a Poise.
Eva / TXBookjunkie said on 03.22.10 at 08:31 PM • [link]
Loved your review. I almost picked this book up cuz I use to read Diana Palmer. But after skimming it, even this was too cheesy for me.
This is so true! And this small town of Jacobsville has an incredible amount of hot ex-mercenary/security consultant/miltary/rancher/rich as Midas men. If they weren’t so stupid, I’d wish I lived in this town.
Tiff said on 03.22.10 at 09:00 PM • [link]
Blech. The only other Diana Palmer I’ve read is Heart of Stone. And when I say read, I mean threw across the room several times before I forced myself to finish it.
Aleyna said on 03.22.10 at 09:20 PM • [link]
This part never seems to bother me…but then again, I always seem to go for the older men. There’s just something about them! *pant pant pant*
Mel said on 03.22.10 at 09:26 PM • [link]
Awe.Some. Review!! I don’t need to read the book to snort milk out of my nose with laughter—the review’s done that well enough.
Jessica Andersen said on 03.22.10 at 09:34 PM • [link]
AAARRGH!!! I JUST got the “give me back my filet-o-fish” earworm out of my head, only to have “hold me closer Tony Dancer” get stuck in there.
Nooooeeesss!
Great review, Nonnie :)
Tamara Hogan said on 03.22.10 at 09:44 PM • [link]
AAAhh! DAMN IT! Make it go awaaaayyyyyy.
Throwmearope said on 03.22.10 at 09:52 PM • [link]
Mocking Diana Palmer is like shooting fish in a barrel, you guys.
RebeccaJ said on 03.22.10 at 10:26 PM • [link]
Never bothered me either. My husband is ten years older than I am. Now it doesn’t seem to matter, but when I was 19 and he was almost 30, my dad was having fits…LOL! I LOVE older men!
DONNA said on 03.22.10 at 10:39 PM • [link]
I’m of the opinion that Diana Palmer made a template in 1972, wrote 156 versions of the same story & sends them to her editor (who was hired 1957 & hasn’t left their desk since) whenever she needs a new car or a tuition payment. I out grew these about the same time I got to the age of her heroinnes - and that was a LONG time ago.
JamiSings said on 03.22.10 at 10:44 PM • [link]
@Suze - I know how it works, I just have an objection to it for ME. Moral reasons is the closest I can come to it. I have Polycystic ovary syndrome which, while it can be treated and all, from everything I’ve read it seems that getting pregnant can be hard to impossible. So there’s a part of me that thinks if I’m “fated” to get pregnant no matter how it comes about, I should just accept it. After all, it might be my only chance.
Course it’s a moot point as I’m not sexually active nor dating.
JamiSings said on 03.22.10 at 10:49 PM • [link]
@Liz
See, I can handle that part. Probably because I’ve always been into older guys. Even now at 33 I find myself lusting after guys in their 60s. And NOT for any of the reasons people think. I just get along better with older men. We have more in common. Seriously. Maybe it’s because my parents didn’t shell out for cable when I was a kid and I ended up growing up on things like I Love Lucy, The Lone Ranger, and The Smothers Brothers. Or my love for big band and disco music. My old fashion ways. Whatever it is - guys my age or younger I cannot get along with and I even find them slightly repulsive.
The rest however - eh, I’ll never read a Palmer book, that’s for sure!
LaVonne said on 03.22.10 at 10:59 PM • [link]
Wait, I didn’t see a grade on this review. Is that an A- then?
That is the funniest review I have read in a LONG time. I have never read a Diana Palmer but I might have to check one out. I mean, a small Texas town overrun with drug dealers, terroritsts and ex-military/black ops guys, plus heroines who can’t kill ants. What’s not to love?!!
donna said on 03.22.10 at 11:02 PM • [link]
and Tara L - true story. Our Ukranian male surg assistant came out to the desk one day, held up his hand & asked, “Ladies, please, is this six inches?” Every woman in the office stopped dead, looked everywhere but at him then left the immediate vicinity & burst out laughing. I had to explain to him why we were unable to answer that question with any accuracy.
Ciara said on 03.22.10 at 11:25 PM • [link]
SNORT. That was hill-arious. Thank you!
Ann Somerville said on 03.22.10 at 11:33 PM • [link]
Brain-damaged heroines and the mercenaries who love them enough to rape them on a first date….
And after all that drama, there was no insta-pregnancy to go with the insta-pregnancy angst? Good job that Jared always wore a little rubber thing on his cock when he fucked all those other non-brain damaged virgins, or they’d have had to have the awkward ‘is it herpes or just a yeast infection?’ discussion too.
I’ve read gorilla rape mpreg that’s more plausible than this.
robinjn said on 03.22.10 at 11:39 PM • [link]
Just in case, for anyone who hasn’t yet read it, (I know at least one person said they were new on the site); the One. The Only. Pregnesia review by Nonnie.
http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/comments/pregnesia-by-carla-cassidy-guest-review/
Tina C. said on 03.22.10 at 11:46 PM • [link]
Suze said:
That made me literally laugh out loud. (Especially when you imagine it said in some announcer-type voice.)
The Diving Belle said on 03.22.10 at 11:53 PM • [link]
OHMYWORD, I’m speechless!
(but now I really really want to read this!)
Hey! I think this would make an excellent Reading Round Robin—open some wine, then everyone takes turns reading a chapter.
Hmmm, make that “open A LOT of wine”.
HotLikeSauce said on 03.22.10 at 11:59 PM • [link]
I could not stop LOLLING over this review. Honestly, it was so much better than the book. And the Pregesia review was so awesome that I just bought Pregnesia on my Kindle. Nonnie, WRITE MORE REVIEWS pretty please
Lizabeth S. Tucker said on 03.23.10 at 12:31 AM • [link]
This was magnificent. I’m embarrassed on two sides. One, I do read Diana Palmer, have for years. Yeah, she’s a bit behind in the times, no doubt, but she has a great old-style Alpha male type of book. Plus I like biscuits!
Two, my review on my LiveJournal site wasn’t anything close to being this cool. I’m soooo jealous!!
Gotta love my human-detector: reading97 You bet I’m reading 97 books, probably much more!
Deb Kinnard said on 03.23.10 at 12:42 AM • [link]
I would LOVE to read Nonnie’s review of Palmer’s THE BRITON. Honestly, I gave this writer one chance (I’m really like whoa picky about medievals) and it took her 5 pages to mess it up. I did finish it on a bet regarding a month of doing the supper dishes between the DH and me. But man alive! all it takes is a look at a CURRENT map to find out that you cannot sail into the Irish Sea directly from the east coast of Britain.
Yes. I tell no lie. It was that bad.
However, I will offer in comparison, and in hopes it will be MST3Kd also: Christina Dodd’s CASTLES IN THE AIR. One minute the minions speak of my lady as a brave and honorable wench, the next minute she’s a slut! Which is it, lads? Total lack of focus—it bounced back and forth like a teenager’s hormones. Trust me on this one. Or not.
And…I must know. Were there biscuits? The chocolate kind?
SonomaLass said on 03.23.10 at 12:53 AM • [link]
Freakin’ hilarious review, Nonnie. Thanks SO much!
On a side note, has a “bad” character (villian, evil ex-mistress, other antagonist or unsympathetic character) in Romlandia every worked in a bookstore? I think that and writing children’s books are shorthand for “good, sincere person.” The fact that Sara does both is clearly proof that she is a superior human being.
Which of course makes me want to write the opposite. Except that I’m not a writer. Hmmm, wonder if my partner would take that one on (after the steampunk astronaut romance that is his WIP).
JamiSings said on 03.23.10 at 01:12 AM • [link]
@Deb - Are you one of our Brits whom didn’t know what pot roast was? Just asking cause of the “chocolate kind” comment. Here, those would be called cookies.
bis·cuit? ?/?b?sk?t/
–noun
.a kind of bread in small, soft cakes, raised with baking powder or soda, or sometimes with yeast.
http://oldfashionedliving.com/biscuits.html
militaryspouse said on 03.23.10 at 01:37 AM • [link]
Biscuits are kinda like scones. But not as tasty.
spamworkd: time98.
98 times have I tried DP (mind out of the gutter) and I still laugh at her books.
Erica said on 03.23.10 at 01:38 AM • [link]
OMG, please ma’am may i have some more. That was some good story telling, LOL!!! Where can I find more Nonnie’s stuff?
KimberlyD said on 03.23.10 at 01:48 AM • [link]
Actually, there are prescription prenatal vitamins and some OBGYNs would rather their patients take those. I don’t know why, since I think they’re comparable in quality to the OTC prenatals. But I could see someone getting a prescription if their insurance will pay for them (or if they’re on Medicaid, since they are covered.)
This review was hilarious! I would like more Nonnie reviews, please :)
Kelly C. said on 03.23.10 at 02:25 AM • [link]
Hurrah! Guess what my worst book of the year, EASILY, was for 2008??? You all get 3 guesses and the first 2 don’t count. ;-)
Spam-a-lot word: from98 .................. Iron Cowboy is from 98 ...... 1898
Sheila said on 03.23.10 at 02:28 AM • [link]
My husbad didn’t believe me about the self stabbing. I made him read the review. After he apologized I told him he needs to put disclaimers on the Diana Palmer books about the possible decrease in the readers IQ during read time.
He then told me this joke (shamelessy stolen from Howard Stern)
Q: What do you do when someone holds a gun to your head and tells you that you have to read an old Diana Palmer novel or a new Diana Palmer novel or you’ll get shot in the head. What do you tell them.
A: I say read and old one (because at least I’m prepared right?)
He says no. You tell the person to just shoot you in the head because it would be less painful.
Nadia said on 03.23.10 at 02:33 AM • [link]
I was gonna say, I had prescription pre-natals with both pregnancies, and it was actually cheaper on my drug plan at the time.
Thanks for making my day, Nonnie, and the comments are a riot, too. I loved me some Diana Palmer when I was in high school - but then 19-year-olds seem the height of sophistication when you are only 14 yourself. It does not appear that I’ve missed much since then as this hot mess seems to be same shit, different millennia.
Cristiane Young said on 03.23.10 at 02:48 AM • [link]
So. Not only is she 19 to his, what, 40-something? But she is also, by god, brain-damaged. Wow.
I second the person up-thread who requested a weekly review from Nonnie. This was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
thadine said on 03.23.10 at 03:09 AM • [link]
Love, love, love this review.
Any more like this, and I will give up category romances all together and just read the reviews. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages!
RebeccaJ said on 03.23.10 at 03:33 AM • [link]
LOL! Now that’s funny! And it would explain a LOT:)
eaeaea said on 03.23.10 at 04:14 AM • [link]
So true.
What grade review ? F (for wtF) or B (so Bad it’s good)
BlueBow said on 03.23.10 at 04:29 AM • [link]
That certainly sounds like… a book~ I don’t know, the two Diana Palmer books I’ve read didn’t seem that over the top. I must have found the duds or something! The first was Winter Roses, I can hardly remember it. I do recall it railed against my nerves a little when one of the characters referred to the trunk of their car as the “boot.” Do Americans ever do that? :3 Plus the Heroine was staying in the Hero’s house because she was best friends with his sister, and though it was described as huge and majestic she was staying in a room adjoining his
The other I picked up on eHarlequin’s eBook site, mainly because it was among the best selling titles on the particular day I was looking and the heroine’s name was Sassy. :D
Nice review, Nonnie! I’m not sure if it makes me want to read Iron Cowboy or not~
Susan/DC said on 03.23.10 at 04:56 AM • [link]
I hate Mondays, but if I knew I had a Nonnie review to look forward to, I’d wake up smiling. I never want to get within 10-feet of a couple like Sara and Jared, and I definitely don’t want to encourage them to breed, but Nonnie makes their existence almost worthwhile.
Jacobsville is certainly an interesting place for a town of less than 2000. Many big cities have lost their independent book stores, but Jacobsville has one. Perhaps it’s supported by all the drug dealers buying High Times.
Cakes said on 03.23.10 at 05:06 AM • [link]
truly lovely. All around.
orangehands said on 03.23.10 at 06:19 AM • [link]
ROTFLMAO. Please do many many more reviews!
Julia Sullivan, you made this icing on a truly excellent cake. :)
Tracy said on 03.23.10 at 07:54 AM • [link]
Wow. I had no idea Diana Palmer books were actually getting *gasp* WORSE! And, really, can’t she pay some moron to look through the manuscript to catch the inconsistencies? That used to drive me crazy—until I was able to (finally!) stop reading her dregs after she (FINALLY!) wrote stories about all of the Hart brothers (the source of the biscuit mania, fyi). I then vowed NEVER AGAIN!!!
But then again I AM almost done with the Master’s thesis…. Might be time to consider a relapse.
And Nonnie—you have a career in the awesome-sauce snark business, my friend! Tell us another story!!!!
Kaetrin said on 03.23.10 at 08:06 AM • [link]
Thank you!!!
I was thinking of “Hold Me Closer Tony Dancer” too. Oh, and I also thought Max was a man. I was a bit disappointed that Max turned out to be of the female persuasion actually…
Great review - come back soon plz!
Tae/Booklust said on 03.23.10 at 08:22 AM • [link]
wow… I recall reading a few Diana Palmer a few years ago and stopped, this is why.. but Nonnie thanks for reading for me and making me laugh because this was so much more enjoyable than the book would have been
Karen said on 03.23.10 at 09:32 AM • [link]
Nonnie, that was truly excellent. I hope one day you have the opportunity to review The Aloha Bride. It was written by Emma Darcy and is an old Harlequin Presents. Until your review of Iron Cowboy, I’d thought The Aloha Bride was the worst book ever written—I may have to change my mind.
and I, too, was bummed when Max ended up being a girl.
AgTigress said on 03.23.10 at 11:15 AM • [link]
Aargh!! Let’s not have the scone/biscuit/cookie discussion (which often leads to the even more involved buttermilk/sour milk discussion)! I think EVERY forum I have ever been on has eventully got into the definitions of scones, biscuits and cookies.
:-D
Shelly said on 03.23.10 at 01:10 PM • [link]
My bet is on The Aloha Bride. Semi-surrogacy for dying brother or some such ludicrous plot if I remember.
spamword couldnt64 - if I was marooned on a desert island for 64 years I would still think this book was rubbish
Debbie Q said on 03.23.10 at 01:49 PM • [link]
Oh my gosh. It is fairly early in the morning, I am already having a cruddy day….and this just make me snort my coffee. It also reminded me why I rarely, if ever, read Diana Palmer any more. Well, I do occasionally if I find it at the library.
BAD GUYS IS COMIN’ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
annmartina said on 03.23.10 at 04:55 PM • [link]
Oh wow did this bring back memories of why I stopped reading Palmer. Thank you Nonnie! I was cracking up. But what? No feisty wise-cracking grandma to flirt with Tony the Dancer? And Jared tell Sara at least once that she looked “witchy” in some outfit?
JamiSings said on 03.23.10 at 05:35 PM • [link]
@Ag - Sorry. But it seemed important to point that out. (Have to admit, the thought of a chocolate buttermilk biscuit really turns my stomach. LOL)
Maybe the SB should just put up pictures when reviewing books. “These kind of biscuits, not this kind.”
willaful said on 03.23.10 at 05:42 PM • [link]
Suze, PCOS-related infertility can be quite treatable and I have the snotty 8 year old to prove it. :-) There’ve been lots of strides in recent years in treating PCOS, not just for infertility but for other difficult symptoms too. Don’t give up hope before you have to.
AgTigress said on 03.23.10 at 06:26 PM • [link]
No need to apologise! There are always new readers coming along who haven’t yet encountered some of the obvious AE/BE language differences. I have been reading American books for, oh, more than 55 years, and have many American friends, but I still get caught out sometimes by American words, definitions and usages that I didn’t know.
:-)
Daisy said on 03.23.10 at 07:04 PM • [link]
Having lived in a town with less than 2000 people for the past 20 years I can tell you that top of the list of things not to do if you don’t want others to know your business is 1)visit your local dr. and 2)visit your local pharmacist.
While both the drs and the pharmicist in our small town are wonderful, caring people who go out of their way to keep your confidences - there are just too many others who hear and talk. From the receptionist to the nurse to the other people in the waiting room, not to mention the people you see in the store who have no qualms about asking why you are there. And for me - “running to the nearest Walgreens” constitutes a 300+ mile roundtrip. Wal-Mart at 200 miles roundtrip is a bit closer, but either way, not exactly convenient.
As for community colleges - our little town has a satellite “learning center” in which specific classes are offered (rarely). The campus itself is located 1 1/2 hours away. There is no way a community this size could support a community college that brought in people from around the world. Aside from the fact that they wouldn’t have anywhere to live, the 3.5 hour drive to the airport would discourage them from coming.
Great review Nonnie - reminds me why every Diana Palmer I ever read ended up in the reject pile.
Suze said on 03.23.10 at 08:36 PM • [link]
Thanks, Willawful, but it was JamiSings who was wanting babies. I also have PCOS, but I’m past the age of wishing to reproduce, and am quite content being the favourite auntie. My PCOS is pretty much under control if I stick to my diet. That’s a pretty big if, though. Sugar and starch, especially combined with fat, are so very yummy.
RebeccaJ said on 03.23.10 at 08:58 PM • [link]
Thanks, Robinjn, for posting the link to that great Pregnesia review for those of us who hadn’t seen it. With that title, I thought it was some bizarre futuristic novel…lol.
JamiSings said on 03.24.10 at 12:04 AM • [link]
@Will
Um, you meant me. I’m the one who said I wouldn’t take the morning after pill because of my PCOS.
It’s not like it really matters - like I said, I’m not dating nor sexually active. And while everyone tries to tell me it’s “all about attitude” I’ve heard the words, “Jami, you’re a nice person but you’re too fat to be seen with in public” too many times - I lost count after the 20th time I heard it from a guy (and multiple guys have said it) for me to believe any man would be desperate enough to want an ugly old cow like me.
So I see no babies in my future either way. Just lots and lots of dogs. I’m a dog person. I’ll probably be The Crazy Old Dog Lady by the time I hit 50.
TracyS said on 03.24.10 at 12:48 AM • [link]
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I live in a town of 1,800. We don’t even have a freakin’ library, let alone a college that would attract people from all over the country.
We have:
2 gas stations
1 bar
2 churches
2 small town restaurants
2 beauty shops
that’s it folks!! We got our first stop light 3 years ago!! LOL
Photopoppy said on 03.24.10 at 04:55 PM • [link]
I see a plothole on the road…..
If she’s so familiar with people from all over the country, nay, the WORLD because of this community college…..
How is it she can identify three dark, swarthy men as furriners so quickly? Perhaps they’re just…. students.
Spamword: word32. Yeah, it’ll take more than 32 words to explain that one away.
Deb Kinnard said on 03.24.10 at 05:31 PM • [link]
@JamiSings: no, I’m apple-pie and “cookies” American. It’s just that the WIP is set in England and I’ve obviously been spending way too much mental time there.
And I wrote in my comment about Palmer’s THE BRITON which did in fact drop my IQ by at least ten points—it was THAT BAD.
beggar1015 said on 03.24.10 at 11:24 PM • [link]
There’s a dance-off!? Frickin’ A! That’s the problem with romance novels nowadays: not enough dance-offs.
I’ve never read a DP before (that I can recall) and because I’m a sucker for punishment I may just have to try one out to see if it’s as bad as she sounds.
And I also wonder how some dreadful, imcompetent, BORING authors actually get published. Worse yet, somehow end up on the best-seller list. I refuse to believe the reading public is that stupid.
Ann Somerville said on 03.24.10 at 11:31 PM • [link]
“any man would be desperate enough to want an ugly old cow like me.”
@jamisings - they should be so lucky as to have you. Ugly old cow my arse!
JamiSings said on 03.25.10 at 12:26 AM • [link]
@Ann - Thanks, but like I said, I’ve been told too many times that I’m too fat to be seen with to really believe that.
That’s okay. I’ve got music and dogs. Who needs a man or a baby anyway?
Deb Kinnard said on 03.25.10 at 02:09 AM • [link]
@Jami, I crap one Diana Palmer novel all over that idea. The best guys look for the beautiful woman within. If modern guys aren’t smart enough to see the person inside, confusion to ‘em. That said, I got one of the last smart ones 23 years ago.
Maybe these guys should read more romance novels. Just, don’t give ‘em a Palmer title…you might set Lurrve back several centuries.
Terri said on 03.25.10 at 05:39 AM • [link]
Besides the biscuit obsession, the stilted dialogue, the descriptions of dated clothing (all of the clothes sound like they are from the 1980s) and the abundance of former mercenaries, the thing that I love to hate about Diana Palmer’s books are the incredible machinations she uses to:
1. Keep the heroines virginal. Even if they are married, chances are they are virgins because of some sort of strange twist (the husband is gay, the husband is impotent, the husband is only married to said heroine for revenge, etc.).
2. Make the readers feel sorry for the heroine. It isn’t enough for her to be poor, she must be poor and alone (no family or a good-for-nothing family) or poor and abused or poor and mentally not right (there’s another DP novel where the heroine’s big secret is that she was thrown head-first into a wall, which resulted in a memory glitch).
The best/ worst example of DP keeping the heroine downtrodden is in a book (I have blocked the name) where all the characters believe the heroine (who is a virgin widow because her late husband was gay) is suicidal. I think that her housekeeper finds her passed out on the bed with an empty whiskey bottle and a gun, plus the housekeeper finds an empty bottle of sleeping pills. The heroine supposedly is not suicidal; there are some very strange explanations to her behavior, including the fact that the heroine was trying to kill a mouse with the gun.
Spam word: length34. I think that says it all ;)
AgTigress said on 03.25.10 at 03:44 PM • [link]
Terri, this is very interesting, because it was an extremely common device in 1950s romance (or British examples, anyway), for reasons which made perfect sense at the time. Because of the general prohibition against even alluding to sex between unmarried couples, let alone depicting it as something quite normal, having the h/h already married at the start enabled the author to have a final reconciliation scene that led straight into the bedroom (the door of which was firmly closed in the reader’s face) as the big climax. So to speak. The virginity was essential, because if she had had sex with anyone else before the husband, she would be a Bad Woman, not a heroine at all.
I read many women’s magazine serials in the 50s that used that trope. It made sense in terms of dramatic impact: overcoming the ‘ritual death’ moment, reconciling the h/h, and hailing their everlasting love falls a bit flat if they then have to go away and plan a wedding for several weeks before they can even have sex.
How times have changed. But one of the reasons I though Diana Palmer was, umm, an older lady in the early 1980s was her attachment to these traditional devices, which seemed old-fashioned to me even though I was middle-aged myself by then.
Terri said on 03.25.10 at 05:14 PM • [link]
AgTigress, I completely agree with your assessment. It was a very common theme in earlier romance novels, and it continues to pop up in many Harlequin Presents (Lynne Graham and Penny Jordan both come to mind). My issue with DP’s approach is that she is so over-the-top with the lengths she goes to ensure that her heroines are virginal and completely naive. If she set her stories in the past (like the 1950s), this might make some sort of sense. However, in her modern (I use this term very loosely) works, I find it maddening.
BTW, I love your initial assessment of DP. Her plots, along with her dialogue, makes it appear that she is older (for lack of a better word) than she really is.
Suzanne said on 03.27.10 at 03:14 PM • [link]
OMG, one of the funniest reviews I’ve ever read. It’s a close second to one from Dear Author regarding an erotic romance.
I am sooooo over Diana Palmer. I actually threw her book, Beloved across the room. Her heroines are ninnies who ALWAYS allow the uber-Alpha male to take over their lives without a whimper. Plots are predictable and contrived, and the dialogue silly. This one sounds like it runs along the same lines. What I can’t believe is that Harlequin publishes the damned things. I also agree with AgTigress and Terri. Make them period pieces so the heroine doesn’t sound and act like a refugee from a time machine.
JamiSings said on 03.28.10 at 07:13 PM • [link]
@Deb - Actually, I’ve always said men should read their girlfriends’/wives’ favorite romance novels because it’ll give them insist to what those women want.
And not to turn this into a pity-me thing - hey, it’s on page 2 anyway, I notice very rarely does anything page 2 or further get a reply so probably no one will ever read it. Yay! Cause I’d rather just have the last word on the subject and drop it.
But as for me, I’m sorry, I just can’t accept I’ll ever be wanted. I’ve been told too much for too long that I’m ugly and worthless to believe that. (And then there were the guys who also called me a c**t, threw food at me and either mooed or oinked, etc.) Even my own mom informs me I’m too fat and too much of a slob for a man to ever want.
It’s okay though, I don’t like sex, find it too painful and nasty. (No, I wasn’t raped or molested. Lots of bladder & kidney problems as a kid so some doctor was always hurting me in the name of making me better.) And I do better by myself. I just have to accept I’ll always be alone. It’s better this way. No one can hurt me.
Still want to be the inspiration behind a good romance novel heroine though! LOL But NOT a Diane Palmer one! (And God forbid I ever inspire Nicolas Sparks. Not only do I think his stuff isn’t romantic, I find him downright boring!)
John J. said on 03.29.10 at 01:37 AM • [link]
Wow…after reading this review I felt the sudden urge to raid my mother’s Harlequin stash and find a Diana Palmer. I’d always wanted to try a western and it was an experience! ^^
I read Rogue Stallion, and it was a good thing that a.) I knew it was published originally in ‘94, and b.) That this review lead me to see what to expect, and I wasn’t all that horrified.
The heroine was contrived and sort of doormat-ish, but she had some level of backbone that it seemed others lacked, which was nice. And despite no Pre-Marriage Sex, she managed to make some pretty steamy scenes. Her writing sucks though, which means she’s lucky I don’t have expectations for pleasure reading. It wasn’t horrible, but it definitely was not something I’d recommend to everyone. Or most people. Or anyone.
Beesocks said on 03.30.10 at 07:51 AM • [link]
Damn
I live in a tiny TX town with a pop. of less than 2000 and I’ve never even seen a mercenary. (well, there was that one girl in elementary school who’s uncle was in Special Forces, but he must be 60 by now…) I need to move to Jacobsville! I’ve never even been invited to a dance-off :( We do have Middle Eastern people though! I’ve seen ‘em!
FranA said on 03.31.10 at 01:27 AM • [link]
I loved the review. How perfect. For some reason I do not understand, every once in a while I pick up one of her books. I know I am going to regret it every time. I had actually picked this book up at the Goodwill store about a month ago. I stopped reading it in the middle and I actually put it in the trash rather than put it back in circulation. I cannot, cannot, cannot understand how someone who writes so horribly keeps getting published. It must be because of morons like me.
Citizen Cobalt said on 03.31.10 at 05:06 PM • [link]
If a person I was going to abduct suddenly stabbed herself, I think I’d leave, too. I wouldn’t want such an obviously high-maintenance hostage.
Wait, they live in TX, the “terrorists” came from South America…and they were caught outside Virginia? Poor navigators on top of being crappy planners. They should go into a different line of work.
Gail S said on 03.31.10 at 10:45 PM • [link]
Someone else may have clarified this, but: YES, Really.
My fella was prez of a college in the Texas panhandle (Clarendon College, look it up) in a town of LESS than 2000 (it topped that number only when the students were in town). The county did have a population of around 3,000 (and approx. 300,000 cows). It had a service area covering 8 rural counties in Texas, a satellite campus in Pampa and another in Childress (though the Childress one did not have its own building).
CC had students from all over the country, and the world—they had a bunch of students from Australia during our time there because several of the guys came to play baseball, and brought friends and girlfriends. There were also students from Canada and lots of other states because of the Judging team. I know. Sounds weird. But the judging of livestock, meats and other things is a big deal. (Where do you suppose they get the judges for the livestock shows and rodeos?) And CC’s team is nationally known, in those circles, because they win a lot of competitions. So yeah, they get students from all over.
Clarendon is one of the two smallest community colleges in Texas. The other one is Ranger College in the town of Ranger (which may be larger. I don’t know.) But colleges that size do exist in Texas, and prosper (sorta), and they do attract students from all over. Really.
And now that I have bored anyone who cares to read about it with more than you really want to know about community colleges in Texas, I will take my leave, and go read more about this wild-sounding book.
Gail S said on 03.31.10 at 11:05 PM • [link]
THIS! It’s This that I find MUCH more unbelievable than the community college. I lived 8 years in that >2000 population Panhandle town. I also lived in a town of about 8,000, and worked in one that pushed 10,000. And NONE of those towns were able to support a bookstore!!!
There was a used bookstore in Clarendon for a while, but it went bust about the time we moved there and sold all its stock and donated the rest to the library. (There was a pretty darn good library there.) But even the larger towns could not support used bookstores. Somebody tried to start one in Hillsboro (the larger town) but it didn’t last a whole year. In Clarendon, there was a store that was a gas station-convenience store-pharmacy-jewelry store-video rental-deli all in one. That one did pretty good business.
Anyway, my point is that small town businesses don’t usually extend themselves to bookstores. More stores that provide necessities. (And there was a library.) I live in a town of 40,000 now, and the lone bookstore (used) is struggling.
Christine said on 04.07.10 at 03:28 AM • [link]
I just read this review and loved it! I thought I would wet my pants because it was so accurate!
I actually read this book when it first came out and was appalled by it. The significantly older, rich and educated guy verbally abuses and essentially molests the mentally impaired girl. What a basis for a lasting relationship! Ugh!
I would love to see someone write a spoof of a Jacobsville story featuring a liberal lesbian coming to town and stealing the young, sexy wife from one of these old mercenary turned rancher guys. Now that would put a new spin on things! :)
Cheap Evening Dresses said on 04.11.10 at 08:48 AM • [link]
I would love to see someone write a spoof of a Jacobsville story featuring a liberal lesbian coming to town and stealing the young, sexy wife from one of these old mercenary t
Danielle James said on 04.15.10 at 02:44 PM • [link]
I read this book several weeks ago. Let me just say, I found that Jared, (Despite his terrorist problems,) acted just like a real man. It was refreshing to have more real life reaction from our hero than what is usually portrayed in romance novels. So the first time wasn’t a life-altering experience, at least, not for him. For poor Sarah, well, I wouldn’t blame her if she never had sex again. But then again, drunk men can be real asses.
Sarah had alot of crap in her life, and one would expect that even though she was young, she would have some common sense. Only in the world of make-believe would a pocket knife and a side wound confuse terrorists.
I must confess, I was laughing at that scene.
And I liked Max. Always had a soft spot for the cut-throat bitch type.
justitia said on 04.18.10 at 09:43 AM • [link]
That review was just too funny! Thanks for ending my coffee break with a laugh.Don’t think I’d buy the book, though.
romance junkie said on 04.20.10 at 04:37 PM • [link]
OMG! THANK YOU! This review is so spot on! I don’t know why I let myself get sucked into reading Diana Palmer every so often—I think I’m reverting to my Barbara Cartland childhood—but every time the book ends with me being disappointed by her predictable story-line. Thank you so much for validating what I feel each time I finish one of her books. There is such promise in the thought of mercenaries, cowboys, and Texas (oh my!) that is so totally crushed by a little girl who can’t seem to take care of herself without the help of some older man. A woman can be old fashioned without being nauseating!
Arthur Weezley's Ma-In-Law said on 05.01.10 at 07:39 PM • [link]
What’s up with the virginity thing? Why do none of these girls date in high school like normal kids? Even if she took some sort of Bible based, abstinence ed virginity pledge, she wouldn’t have “saved” herself for Mr Right (and by Right I mean Mr $$$$). Seriously, by 19 years old she’s have 3 kids (and there’d be a good chance it would be with 3 different men). As somebody who came from one of those towns the only people hanging around after age 18 are the ones who had a bunch of kids, dropped out, and are now hooked on meth. If you don’t get out of small town rural America immediately after high school graduation it means you’re probably a loser…and will remain one the rest of your days.
Oh, and there’d be no bookstore unless it was at the local community college…and there isn’t a community college in every tiny town. There’s usually one for an entire county.
Oh, and I seriously doubt the sight of dark-skinned men would be all that novel in Texas. Half the population of the SW is non-white.
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