Bitchin' Blog Posts
Immortal Anniversary Gifts
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | February 08, 2012 | Wednesday at 12:48 am | 84 CommentsI think there's a missed opportunity in romance land, particulary in paranormal romance land, particularly in the lucrative gifting market.
I'm talking about anniversary gifts. You know how there's a chart of what gifts are symbolic of each year of marriage, and people can get downright goofy adhering to the suggested gifts? Like, say, my husband, who, for our tenth anniversary, wrapped my present in tin foil because the traditional gift was tin/aluminum. I should be thankful I didn't also get a tube of Reynolds wrap, too.
Some of the traditional lists I've seen stop usually at the 60th anniversary, known in some charts as the "diamond anniversary," while the 75th is also the diamond anniversary. I myself am partial to the 48th US Modern anniversary, which is "Optical goods," or the 44th, which is the ever-so-romantic "Groceries." Nothing tops the 41st and 42nd anniversaries, though, which are "Land" followed by "Improved real estate," because clearly, whoever bought the land last year did not know what they were doing, and they need another shot at that gift.
Also, how does one wrap groceries? Stick a bow on the bag?
Anyway, aside from wondering what possible gifts one might receive when the theme is "original poetry tribute," and how many times the word "Nantucket" might be involved, I realized that these lists, the US traditional, UK traditional and US modern, are terribly inadequate.
What about the immortal couples?
I mean, come on. All these paranormal creatures living forever, having curtain-shredding orgasms and amassing pots of money, surely they run out of gift ideas after the 156th anniversary. What about them?
I think there should be a chart for the immortal anniversaries, for all those creatures who have neverending lifespans, and a lot of time to shop when they're not having orgasms, saving the world, and doing whatever else they do for eternity. I'm going to guess that they'd only count decades after the first century or so, so my chart just counts by tens.
| 100th | 10 Carat Diamond |
| 110th | Diamond mine preferably conflict-free |
| 120th | Country (not music, an actual country, preferably conflict-free) |
| 130th | A monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?) |
| 140th | 60 Minutes, the complete series on DVD |
| 150th | Beanie Babies. All of them. With tags! |
| 160th | The shroud of Turin, or a Dead Sea Scroll, your choice |
| 170th | Snow globe |
| 180th | Plutonium (Uranium is also acceptable) |
| 190th | Swiffer |
| 200th | A planet (Pluto doesn't count. It's not a planet anymore.) |
There, doesn't that just make the neverending future seem even more wonderful? What gifts would you suggest for the perpetual anniversary? I mean, it's eternity. There's always room for more stuff.
Filed: General Bitching, Random Musings
Tagged: wtfery, romance, paranormal romance, immortals, awesomesauce
Zoe Archer said on 02.08.12 at 01:15 AM • [link]
250th: Enrique Iglesias trapped in amber
252nd: Forever Lazy
264th: The Declaration of Independence (stolen from Nicholas Cage)
265th: Nicholas Cage’s hairpiece
275th: Siberian Tigers trained to make cupcakes
Aziza said on 02.08.12 at 02:09 AM • [link]
360th: Round Tuits. (Particularly poignant for the old-school vamps who brave church bazaars to buy them.)
Elizabeth Gunther said on 02.08.12 at 06:38 AM • [link]
@SB Sarah, I have always wanted a monkey, but I would rather a green dress (but not a real green dress—that’s cruel).
Yulie29 said on 02.08.12 at 07:06 AM • [link]
145th: a bejeweled elephant.
I picked 145 because that’s “Indian Elephant” in Gematria (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G….
SB Sarah said on 02.08.12 at 07:58 AM • [link]
@Elizabeth Gunther, I long for the day when all green dresses, real or faux, are cruelty-free!
Ginny Tonic said on 02.08.12 at 08:03 AM • [link]
500th: A real live actual unicorn that you’ve created by a combination of selective breeding and genetic manipulation of horses for the past 500 years.
Jenyfer said on 02.08.12 at 08:13 AM • [link]
Pre-wrapped bacon :)
Patricia Eimer said on 02.08.12 at 08:28 AM • [link]
500th: A Unicorn with Neil Patrick Harris riding it and carrying a baby wallaby
Chase Hoffman said on 02.08.12 at 08:30 AM • [link]
After the 1000th anniversary, you end up getting into weird territory.
1027th - Hitlerdroid
1066th - Invasion of England
1137th - One hair of George Lucas, preserved in lucite, embedded in a really big sound system.
1492nd - Husband must discover new land, but wife has to pay for the expedition
1945th - 1959th inclusive - Hats
1963rd - Assassination of a popular politician
1967th - Free love (note: most immortal marriages do not survive the 1967th anniversary)
1974th - Bell bottoms
Yulie29 said on 02.08.12 at 08:38 AM • [link]
LOL. Especially the 1137th.
Would the 1588th gift be a Spanish Armada?
Ashley Leann said on 02.08.12 at 08:39 AM • [link]
a velvet Elvis painting, preferably the fat Elvis. It’s a great way to class up any mansion.
Jewel said on 02.08.12 at 08:46 AM • [link]
Nooo! It needs to be Elvis in leather from the ‘68 Comeback Tour Special!!
shiloh walker said on 02.08.12 at 08:47 AM • [link]
Excuse me. Pluto definitely counts, and it will always be a planet.
I know… ALL ORIGINAL NORA ROBERTS BOOKS. ALL of them. In MINT condition. Including PROMISE ME TOMORROW.
For the 250th. Oh, and they have to be signed in crystal ink.
Chelsea Spencer said on 02.08.12 at 08:58 AM • [link]
300—An as of yet undiscovered element, stabilized
310—The entire cast of Glee circa 2011, preserved as zombies and ready to sing on cue.
320—A house made entirely of books and chocolate bars, preferably dark chocolate.
322—A river of coffee, dark roast.
330—A time machine—so we can go back and relive the chocolate bar year.
Ashley Leann said on 02.08.12 at 09:03 AM • [link]
the ultimate would be the present Elvis who haunts trailer parks and gas stations, and I will fight anyone who says Elvis is not alive. LOL.
Jane Lovering said on 02.08.12 at 09:11 AM • [link]
250 - Rampant Rabbit. Because, let’s face it, things are going to be getting a bit… samey by now.
Amanda M Garlock said on 02.08.12 at 09:25 AM • [link]
@sbsarah: Digging the Barenaked Ladies reference!
Morphidae said on 02.08.12 at 09:28 AM • [link]
1000000th - all the fanciest Dijon ketchups
SB Sarah said on 02.08.12 at 09:31 AM • [link]
I may have to change the site title: Come for the romance, stay for the competitive unicorn anniversary gifting.
Jaye Wells said on 02.08.12 at 09:37 AM • [link]
777th The Love Toilet
Ruthie Knox said on 02.08.12 at 09:40 AM • [link]
I’m going to assume I’m supposed to read the monkey one, “Hav-int youalwayswanted a mon-KEY?” Yes?
riwally said on 02.08.12 at 09:45 AM • [link]
For every anniversary: The Ultimate Magic Fingers Bed (cuz after so many years, you’re going to need it) Of course, maybe just have the mate (husband) use his own magic fingers to do the ultimate….hmmmmm oh yeah
Hydecat said on 02.08.12 at 10:33 AM • [link]
530 A giant natural-habitat zoo
540 A cruise around the universe (the couple proceeds to argue about which direction to go first)
DreadPirateRachel said on 02.08.12 at 11:11 AM • [link]
Oh, gods. I can never unsee that.
azteclady said on 02.08.12 at 11:22 AM • [link]
What DreadPirateRachel said.
gah
P. Kirby said on 02.08.12 at 11:32 AM • [link]
Well, if you’re going to have a fat velvet Elvis, you also need a super-sized (read “obese”) statue of David.
http://www.thegreenhead.com/20…
shiloh walker said on 02.08.12 at 11:52 AM • [link]
.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)... wow. you find the most special presents ever!
Rosa E. said on 02.08.12 at 12:08 PM • [link]
357th—A Roman empire (specify Holy or Graeco-Roman on gift box.)
358th—An excuse to fight so you can have window-rattling makeup sex
359th—Shamwow
Tina said on 02.08.12 at 12:24 PM • [link]
1000 - a retrospective slide show of all your previous anniversaries and other highlights of your lives together, put together by that one great-great-great-grandchild who puts the over in over-achiever (strange how a good half of the pictures include him/her). By the time you get done watching it, it will be time for the 1001st anniversary. 1001 anniversary - couple’s only trip, no cameras allowed.
Darlynne said on 02.08.12 at 12:31 PM • [link]
Oh, god, the love toilet. So dismayed I won’t be around for that one.
Lynnd said on 02.08.12 at 12:52 PM • [link]
750th - a treefort with a fridge
800th - a K-car, a nice reliant automobile :)
MissB2U said on 02.08.12 at 02:44 PM • [link]
473rd: Paris.
474th: Alan Richman reading romance novels. In person. Dressed in riding breeches, tall shiny black boots and a linen shirt. Yeah.
475th: I’m good with Paris and Alan, thanks.
Aziza said on 02.08.12 at 03:37 PM • [link]
365th: calendars (Gag gift or passive-aggression?)
1001st: Editions of “The Secret of The Old Clock” in hieroglyphs, Esperanto, interpretive dance, etc.
Donna said on 02.08.12 at 03:47 PM • [link]
500th the body of your archenemy encased in carbonite.
And I’ll see your unicorn, roasted in dragon fire for dinner.
Donna said on 02.08.12 at 03:51 PM • [link]
Oh, I forgot: Kraft dinner on the side.
GHN said on 02.08.12 at 04:26 PM • [link]
1000th anniversary:A stable and functioning private doorway to a parallell, unspoiled Earth, so that you can both have your own, planet-sized private nature preserve as well as access to all the hottest new technology and the comforts of civilazation!
Natalie said on 02.08.12 at 04:34 PM • [link]
oh….the love toilet….
I can’t stop laughing after reading all of these suggestions. I’m jealous….now I want to be immortal….godsdamnit :)
Elizabeth Gunther said on 02.08.12 at 05:01 PM • [link]
That’ll be the day when Kermit can finally shout from the rooftops that it IS easy being green.
SB Sarah said on 02.08.12 at 05:06 PM • [link]
I thought we wouldn’t have to eat Kraft dinner!
Aziza said on 02.08.12 at 05:20 PM • [link]
449th: leaf peeping
450th: Peeps
451st: arson
452nd: Etsy!
453rd: No-Hell Motel (not a typo)
454th: teeter-totters
455th: I Dunno, What Do YOU Want To Do?
555th: prank phone calls
fla said on 02.08.12 at 05:51 PM • [link]
2001th :mad space station
Evelyn Ryan said on 02.08.12 at 06:03 PM • [link]
600th- A Dragon.
Evelyn Ryan said on 02.08.12 at 06:04 PM • [link]
MIssed this one before I posted mine. LOL
MarieC said on 02.08.12 at 06:17 PM • [link]
OMG! ‘Rampant Rabbit’ and the ‘Love Toilet’! I nearly fell of my chair with laughter!
Bnbsrose said on 02.08.12 at 06:24 PM • [link]
I think we’d eat more.
Jody Wallace said on 02.08.12 at 08:22 PM • [link]
750th: Your own urban fantasy series with that damned werewolf you got for anniversary 465 as the third in your triangle. At least until you kill him off and eat him (anniversiary 501, werewolf steaks, rare, with a peppery red wine).
Tam B said on 02.08.12 at 08:36 PM • [link]
My husband and I actually did the traditional gifts until our tenth anniversary (for iron I got a wall candelabre). Then we decided to go out to dinner each year and for the big ones (each decade) have a long weekend getaway.
So my suggestion is to try the best restaurants and hotels in a selected city each year. Broken up by getaways to your private island (because of course you have one) where you import the best chefs to prepare meals.
Then I think you should have a “crash” list. Like to crash a party hosted by celebs, the rich and famous and to out party those there. With specific objectives to do things like tug on Donald Trumps hair to see if it moves, plant one on George Clooney, spill a drink on someone etc.
I figure after all the centuries it won’t be the things but the memories that keep you going.
Marc said on 02.08.12 at 08:46 PM • [link]
Couple of things - why would the country and the diamonds be conflict free? Aren’t they supposed to be saving the world and looking for conflicts. Also I thought Elvis was an immortal…
400th - Reading from Nix the Ever Knowing
Patrice said on 02.08.12 at 09:47 PM • [link]
Elvis is a vampire who is not quite right and he likes to be called Bubba (in Sookie Stackhouse’s world). Ya gotta love Bubba. :)
kkw said on 02.08.12 at 10:11 PM • [link]
No monkeys. Monkeys are a category violation. Not quite people, not quite not people. They creep me out, and are just not OK. Look, no one seems to think it’s strange when someone is scared of spiders. Or snakes. Cut me some slack. I’m fine with everything except monkeys. And slugs. Slugs are gross. Sea slugs are fine. Just so you know.
Although one of my core hard-earned life lessons: no live presents. There was a bad, mortifying chicken incident. Hordes of dead plants. Some betta fish that are currently ruining my life (how the hell can you tell if a fish is happy? I cannot handle this responsibility). For anyone who is interested in learning from my mistakes, it turns out that presents should not be alive.
I’m currently trying to figure out 10th anniversary (aluminum is not doing it for me), and am having difficulty looking past that, but I greatly appreciate all the suggestions.
Muddler53 said on 02.08.12 at 10:50 PM • [link]
957th: Sea Monkeys!
2017th: spouse creates a new color, just for you
9154th: couples knitting lessons
PamG said on 02.08.12 at 11:49 PM • [link]
“Ya gotta love Bubba.” Unless you love cats.
PamG said on 02.09.12 at 12:29 AM • [link]
Art is always appropriate, so…
1000th: A thousand Clown paintings (dead clowns if you’re phobic)
1960th: Big eyed children in mod garb: http://fromabbatozoom.blogspot…
2000th: His & hers Zombie Smurf tattoos
Dean said on 02.09.12 at 08:16 AM • [link]
Goodness gracious Batman this is a long review and filled with so much fervor and emotion to the point it looks personal. By the way I bought this book after reading the review and there are only two instances of “milky”;/
JennH said on 02.09.12 at 08:41 AM • [link]
In lieu of a time machine ... how about a Tardis??
Morphidae said on 02.09.12 at 10:00 AM • [link]
2489th - A macramé love toilet
DelDryden said on 02.09.12 at 10:56 AM • [link]
Which is the Unobtanium anniversary?
Flo_over said on 02.09.12 at 12:13 PM • [link]
PSH There are times when I would KILL for a roll of Reynolds wrap!
What about “evil” immortal couples? We need some of those. They could give things like miniature head collections. Or perhaps Free Range Orphan Hunting. If there are supernatural powers maybe “Zap People Wearing Ties From High Up” games. I mean if you’re diabolical you still have to have some fun.
Evil Immortal Couples would enjoy FLOODING the love toilet. They would take delight in bringing down countries, or perhaps setting off a volcano. You know, small things that say “I love you and I love to kill with you!”
Lynnd said on 02.09.12 at 12:41 PM • [link]
But we will eat Kraft dinner, with gourmet ketchup in the treefort….:)
Amanda Garcia said on 02.09.12 at 02:58 PM • [link]
333- A chia pet
591- A space ship
Kinsey Holley said on 02.09.12 at 07:43 PM • [link]
Every 100 years, you each get a week to go off and boff other people.
Flemmily said on 02.09.12 at 10:11 PM • [link]
Lasers. I think all the anniversaries after 75 are just lasers of various sizes and power.
Elizabeth Gunther said on 02.09.12 at 10:56 PM • [link]
what’s up with Oklahoma? The Oklahoma state senate wants to pass a DADT like bill.
Jackquigley175 said on 02.10.12 at 12:01 AM • [link]
They don’t call it the buckle of the bible belt for nothin’. OK was the only state where not one single county had a democratic majority in the last presidential election.
Elizabeth Gunther said on 02.10.12 at 12:49 AM • [link]
Yikes. It is things like this that make me not want to leave the coasts.
FairyKat said on 02.10.12 at 02:07 AM • [link]
Oh my eyes! I just Googled the Johanna Lindsey covers and went… 0_o
Another place indeed.
What place *is* that and does it hurt?
(Picture via http://www.goodreads.com/topic….
Robin said on 02.10.12 at 06:18 AM • [link]
I just found this, so a little late to the party. I’ve picked up some recs for new authors which is always great!
I know Karin Kallmaker was mentioned a few times. She’s known as the Queen of Lesbian Romance, so not a bad place to start for those just now looking. My favorites are In Every Port, Unforgettable, Touchwood, and Substitute for Love. Though I like several of her others also. (Stepping Stone was a massive disappointment though, so don’t start there!)
Not a romance author, but Tanya Huff was mentioned. She has two urban fantasy novels in which the main characters are bi and polyamorous: The Enchantment Emporium and The Wild Ways.
I don’t think Gerri Hill was mentioned yet. I’ve really liked several of her novels. Some are strictly romances and others are detective/mystery novels with romance.
A couple other books worth mentioning are Waltzing at Midnight by Robbi McCoy and Hard Times by Blayne Cooper.
FangsWands&FairyDus said on 02.10.12 at 07:51 AM • [link]
Oh my this is so funny.
FangsWands&FairyDus said on 02.10.12 at 07:56 AM • [link]
two observations:
1. Why would women in the future be wearing old-time gowns.
2. And in Prisoner of Passion it looks like he is a horny tailor fitting her bodice by hand when he has obviously forgotten she is smaller in the shoulders than the original wearer of the gown.
one more
In the future: in all sci fi, women and men are never wearing clothing that is related to contemporary clothing unless it’s a time travel thing. It’s either all tron-like or gowns ad robes.
LG said on 02.10.12 at 08:00 AM • [link]
OMG, he’s dry humping her spine! And she’s pretending it’s the best sex she’s ever had!
barbarienne said on 02.10.12 at 08:53 AM • [link]
According to the Futurama episode “The Farnsworth Parabox,” the rainbow sky is from a parallel universe. This would also explain the emphasis on hair color in romance novels.
barbarienne said on 02.10.12 at 09:12 AM • [link]
I’m pretty sure the reason genre readers have flocked to ereaders is because it makes bulk reading easier. Genre (all genres) readers tend to be high-volume readers. I know a lot of people who go through a minimum of a book a week, and often several hundred a year. They chain-smoke books. Ebooks save them the problems of storage space and “I just finished reading this and now I need another book.”
This volume reading might also be part of why genre books are considered lesser—apparently, if you can snarf down a book like popcorn, it must not be very thoughtful and nutritious. You’re not taking time to linger over the author’s lyrical prose or something.
To which I say, “get stuffed.” (Hmmm. That pun was entirely unintended.) The qualities of deliciousness and nutritiousness are orthogonal—that is, one has no bearing on the other. I loves me my gourmet meals in high-end restaurants, but the bulk of the higher price is paying for presentation, environment, and service. (Also, high-end chefs like to play and serve unusual things in unusual ways. But here is clearly where the metaphor breaks down, since lots of genre books deliberately play with ideas and presentation.)
Lily said on 02.10.12 at 09:50 AM • [link]
The vituperation level on this thread makes me wonder why I ever thought the world of romance was kinder and gentler than the world of brutal crime fiction.
No, I don’t want to be made uncomfortable when I read a romance. I want to be made happy.
Should all RWA chapters be forced to run contests including all possible types of romances? Obviously not, but any decision that appears to reverse progress against discrimination is viewed with alarm and, clearly from comments above, with unbridled antagonism.
So now we know where we all stand. We hate each other. Lovely.
Time to retreat to a romance written many years ago that features offensive racist, classist, and sexist stereotypes: The Grand Sophy.
Tam B said on 02.10.12 at 10:49 AM • [link]
Obviously the fashion designers of the future are all devious women and gay men and all the men (regardless of orientation) are hot. As such all clothing is designed for men to be way to girly (see Pegasus guy) and as such the guys go without shirts (all the other covers).
Not that I’m against a future with totally hot men flashing muscles but if you’re not in a clinch with them and are trying to do say, office work - wouldn’t it get a little distracting? I’m picturing trying to do taxes with a hot accountant flashing muscles and talking about deductions… Or does this mean in the future women run things and men are only play things???
And whilst I’m sure I could enjoy the medieval style gown on occasion, I’m not sure I really want to make it my entire wardrobe. I like jeans, trousers, shorts - I need these in my future or I’m not going! I also love the zipped but not button jeans with bare chest look on sexy men too, so I need jeans!
On reflection - I’m with Patricia E, I’ll stick with JD Robb’s future and hope there’s a Roarke there waiting for me (bare chested of course).
Elise Logan said on 02.10.12 at 11:31 AM • [link]
From the annals of “wtf is Elise hiding in her library now?!” I have pulled out from my magic shelves an old Loveswept by Tami Hoag. The book is “Rumor Has It” and features a heroine who is infertile due to an accident - and is not magically fixed or healed. It deals a lot with her feelings about not having children of her own and being ambivalent about adoption, about how they deal with it and her wanting him to “do better” than her - it is from the ‘80s, after all - but then deciding that she does deserve to be happy.
I have no idea if anyone could even find another copy - aside from the one hiding in my magic shelves. But it’s an interesting one because there’s a lot of role-reversal and interesting character stuff.
Sarahtoo said on 02.10.12 at 12:09 PM • [link]
@Flemmily - some of the lasers should have sharks attached. Or is that the other way ‘round?
SaraO @ TheLibrarianReads said on 02.10.12 at 01:20 PM • [link]
I love this. Officially the most bland comment ever. But still, Love this ;)
Susan said on 02.10.12 at 02:14 PM • [link]
“150th Beanie Babies. All of them. With tags!”—SB Sarah
Well, now I know what I can do w/ all those @!#%*! Beanie Babies I have in storage.
Personally, I’d want talking animals. It just sounds cool and I always loved those kinds of books/movies when I was a kid. Of course, my cat has no problem whatsoever expressing all of his opinions without having to resort to the English language. On second thought, maybe it’s not such a good idea after all.
Elizabeth Gunther said on 02.10.12 at 02:24 PM • [link]
We do not hate each other. The point is not that every chapter has to have a category for every type of romance. The point is that this particular chapter HAD a category for same sex romances but decided to get rid of it because a select few didn’t want to read them. Would it be nice if every chapter welcomed same sex romances? Of course, but will this happen now? Probably not.
We may be able to change the law, but changing the hearts and minds of those who do not want to change is the hardest challenge facing the gay rights movement.
Aimmeee said on 02.10.12 at 04:29 PM • [link]
I just wanted to say good luck with your ivf…like a lot of women I did it (twice). I know nothing about your diagnosis but your age is a big positive and I think your chances would be much higher than 5%. Just be careful how many you put in there. I got pg from ivf and it was twins. Good luck!
Afton Lynne said on 02.10.12 at 07:34 PM • [link]
looking at Warrior Moon the designers are also all living in 1986. If puffy sleeves are the future, I’m not going.
Ann Somerville said on 02.10.12 at 08:03 PM • [link]
“Time to retreat to a romance written many years ago that features offensive racist, classist, and sexist stereotypes: The Grand Sophy.”
Heaven knows, anti-semitism is so much more ‘comfortable’ than those icky homosectionals, right?
“any decision that appears to reverse progress against discrimination is viewed with alarm and, clearly from comments above, with unbridled antagonism. “
You say this like it’s a bad thing. Obviously you’re new around these parts.
“I don’t want to be made uncomfortable when I read a romance. I want to be made happy.”
And two people falling in love doesn’t make you happy because their genitalia is approximately similar? How can two men or two women falling in love make you unhappy, unless you are, in fact, a teeny bit of a nasty little bigot?
Jami JoAnne Russell said on 02.10.12 at 11:42 PM • [link]
Well if it was my anniversary I’d want for our 100th the complete, in hardback, collection of Alfred Hitchcock & The Three Investigators.
http://www.threeinvestigatorsb…
I’ve seen the series for sale, complete, two times. Both times they were between $3,000 to $6,000 dollars.
Of course, I decided should I ever meet a man desperate enough to want to marry me, instead of a huge diamond ring, he can buy me a little $200 ring and those books.
Kristin said on 02.12.12 at 11:28 AM • [link]
And, for the 787th anniversary, you can give the the Swarovski toilet because 10 years of going side by side is more than enough…
Care to comment?
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