Bitchin' Blog Posts
This is from Miss Moppet, whose HaBO request made me gigglesnort:
This is a HABO of dooooooooom (doomy doom doom).
When I was a wee teenager with an an afro and a penchant for rape-y romance,
I fell hard for this book. I remember very little and most of what I do
remember may be completely incorrect and/or inappropriately mixed up with
the plot from Suddenly You by Lisa Kleypas and a pastiche of other British
romances I’ve read. It had a particularly unappetizing phrase for the
heroines Nooner Hole. Yes, more unappetizing than that.
HABO LOVE PUDDING
120lbs of Sweet Virgin Heroine mistakenly believed to be a skanky ho’
160-185lbs of muscled Brooding Angry Hero with a heart of gold and a
possible career as a book publisher or perhaps a politician
A soupcon of Blonde Mistress who might be an actress and who fakes
pregnancy and pisses off the hero who pays her off even though he knows
she’s lying about being pregnant.
1. Beat until Stiff (ahem) a scene where hero rapes the heroine on a desk in
his (business?) office and uhm, “takes” her several more times throughout
the book but she keeps coming back around and he never apologizes and goes
so far as to consistently blame her for his need to rape her.
2. Add a pinch of something asinine about the Hero trying to create a new
law regarding child labor because he’s really a nice guy under his crusty,
3. Water down with a some nonsense about a hat that I can’t really
remember. He’s pissed about her hat? He loses her hat? He wears her hat and
for the first time ever, he feels pretty? I don’t know.
4. Lick the spoon and blend in a townhouse where they proceed to have howler
monkey sex on an enormous bed with the hero blaming her and hating her and
refusing to admit she was a virgin.
5. Bake until the hero realizes he’s TSTL and that she was a virgin when he
first manfully took her in his manfully manly way that was very manly.
6. Stew (about) the mixture as Hero with a perpetual hard-on still thinks it
was cool to rape her but then he marries her so it makes everything all
better. All things are forgiven where wedding cake is concerned!
7. Sprinkle on the possibility that the child labor law passed and hordes of
smudgy British kids were forced to become singing pickpockets as the Hero
got them all shitcanned from their jobs.
8. Add the real magic ingredient of the dish, which is in the last love
scene in the book, when the author un-ironically uses the phrase, “love
pudding” or something very similar to it to describe the heroines moist and
9. Optional ingredient: Never stop laughing when you tell your friend about
this book and she looks you dead in the face and says, “That is one pudding
you DON’T want to find raisins in.”
Voila! You now have one terrible book, one wasted week of my teen years and
a phrase that will live on in infamy.
Love Pudding will be the name of the rock band I form. Just watch. Anyone remember this book?