Bitchin' Blog Posts
If it’s Thursday, It Must be HaBOs: HABO OF DOOOOOM
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | September 15, 2011 | Thursday at 10:52 am | 50 Comments
This is from Miss Moppet, whose HaBO request made me gigglesnort:
This is a HABO of dooooooooom (doomy doom doom).
When I was a wee teenager with an an afro and a penchant for rape-y romance,
I fell hard for this book. I remember very little and most of what I do
remember may be completely incorrect and/or inappropriately mixed up with
the plot from Suddenly You by Lisa Kleypas and a pastiche of other British
romances I’ve read. It had a particularly unappetizing phrase for the
heroines Nooner Hole. Yes, more unappetizing than that.HABO LOVE PUDDING
Ingredients:
120lbs of Sweet Virgin Heroine mistakenly believed to be a skanky ho’
160-185lbs of muscled Brooding Angry Hero with a heart of gold and a
possible career as a book publisher or perhaps a politician
A soupcon of Blonde Mistress who might be an actress and who fakes
pregnancy and pisses off the hero who pays her off even though he knows
she’s lying about being pregnant.Directions:
1. Beat until Stiff (ahem) a scene where hero rapes the heroine on a desk in
his (business?) office and uhm, “takes” her several more times throughout
the book but she keeps coming back around and he never apologizes and goes
so far as to consistently blame her for his need to rape her.2. Add a pinch of something asinine about the Hero trying to create a new
law regarding child labor because he’s really a nice guy under his crusty,
rape-y exterior.3. Water down with a some nonsense about a hat that I can’t really
remember. He’s pissed about her hat? He loses her hat? He wears her hat and
for the first time ever, he feels pretty? I don’t know.4. Lick the spoon and blend in a townhouse where they proceed to have howler
monkey sex on an enormous bed with the hero blaming her and hating her and
refusing to admit she was a virgin.5. Bake until the hero realizes he’s TSTL and that she was a virgin when he
first manfully took her in his manfully manly way that was very manly.6. Stew (about) the mixture as Hero with a perpetual hard-on still thinks it
was cool to rape her but then he marries her so it makes everything all
better. All things are forgiven where wedding cake is concerned!7. Sprinkle on the possibility that the child labor law passed and hordes of
smudgy British kids were forced to become singing pickpockets as the Hero
got them all shitcanned from their jobs.8. Add the real magic ingredient of the dish, which is in the last love
scene in the book, when the author un-ironically uses the phrase, “love
pudding” or something very similar to it to describe the heroines moist and
humid nethers.9. Optional ingredient: Never stop laughing when you tell your friend about
this book and she looks you dead in the face and says, “That is one pudding
you DON’T want to find raisins in.”Voila! You now have one terrible book, one wasted week of my teen years and
a phrase that will live on in infamy.
Love Pudding will be the name of the rock band I form. Just watch. Anyone remember this book?
Filed: General Bitching, Help a Bitch Out
Tagged: wtfery, rapetastic assclown, old skool, historical romance
Brandie said on 09.15.11 at 11:57 AM • [link]
I have no idea what book this is, but I just have to give kudos to the author of this HaBO request, because it made my morning. I’m still laughing! Thanks, Miss Moppet.
HellyBelly said on 09.15.11 at 12:50 PM • [link]
I wants to read it!!
SusanL said on 09.15.11 at 01:42 PM • [link]
DON’T want to read it, but won’t be too surprised to find out I did :D Surely I would remember “love pudding?”
Natalie Arloa said on 09.15.11 at 02:05 PM • [link]
No idea, but had to give props to Miss Moppet: you are funny! Thanks for the laugh this morning.
security word: club48—I bet I’m joining the club of at least 48 people who have no idea what book this is but will write in just b/c Miss Moppet was so funny.
FairyKat said on 09.15.11 at 02:49 PM • [link]
Absolutely! Absolutely no idea about the books, but tears of laughter running down my face. Raisins….
DS said on 09.15.11 at 02:55 PM • [link]
Love pudding? I do not think I would ever have forgotten love pudding. Thanks for a great big belly laugh this morning. It upped my endorphin level this morning.
captcha: private36. It wasn’t private when everyone came to see what I was laughing about.
Darlene Marshall said on 09.15.11 at 03:02 PM • [link]
Who the hell cares about the book? I want to read more HaBO requests like this one!
Ken Houghton said on 09.15.11 at 03:05 PM • [link]
It would be rude to ask if that was pudding, like what Bill Cosby talks about during sex, or pud-ding, wouldn’t it?
And I join the I-have-no-idea-what-the-book-is-or-why-anyone-would-read-it-twice-if-it-wasn’t-in-an-issue-of-Yellow-Silk.
Patricia Eimer said on 09.15.11 at 03:37 PM • [link]
Love Pudding? Oh my. I sort of want this book to give my MIL and say yep, this is the standard of literary classic I was aiming to mimic in your Christmas card. Did I fail?
Flo said on 09.15.11 at 03:43 PM • [link]
This world needs more love pudding, damnit! Love pudding can bring us all together! Just picture that new Jell-o Pudding commercial with the smiling and THEN say “love pudding”. Yeah, that’s right, get on with your dirty minded selves!
Anna the Piper said on 09.15.11 at 04:09 PM • [link]
*splutter!* Bwahahahaha RAISINS *snorf* *snicker*
Also, +10 for use of the word soupcon, and +20 for the reference to the Doom Song! \0/ I love you, GIR!
Miss Moppet said on 09.15.11 at 04:36 PM • [link]
@anna the piper
+100 for recognizing The Doom Song! I thought no one would!
Speaking of Gir, among the other things you don’t want in your love pudding… waffles. Just sayin’.
LG said on 09.15.11 at 04:39 PM • [link]
@Anna the Piper - GIR is adorable!
As far as the HaBO goes, I decided it was probably safe to Google romance novel “love pudding”. “Love pudding” seems to be popular in purple prose contests and it is often used as an example of bad or embarrassing wording in romance novels, but I haven’t yet been able to find the title of a real romance that uses the words. Oh, and also, my Googling revealed that a lot of people love pudding.
Since the words end up on so many “why I hate romance novels” and “horrible euphemisms in romance novels” lists, I’d be inclined to think that this is one of those phrases that was never actually used in seriousness, but that romance-haters latched onto because it’s so awful. I hope someone figures out which book this is - it boggles the mind that some author thought “love pudding” was a good choice of words. Ew.
MarieC said on 09.15.11 at 04:42 PM • [link]
@Darlene Marshall - Ditto! I love this!
Elizabeth Moss said on 09.15.11 at 04:58 PM • [link]
Love me, love my pudding?
Wonder if it was that great British pudding known as Spotted Dick to which the author was alluding?
In stitches here. I hope no one ever works this out. The book itself could NEVER be as good as this outline. NEVER. I defy it to be.
We can but dream.
Maili said on 09.15.11 at 05:00 PM • [link]
lol! I would offer a title if it wasn’t for the fact it’s set in Britain. The one I’m thinking of is set in the US.
joykenn said on 09.15.11 at 05:01 PM • [link]
Goodness, this “plot” sounds like lots of bad romance novels except for the child labor laws and “love pudding’. Where the hell the author got THAT phrase is a total mystery! Yes, love nicknames are ridiculous sometimes but this is beyond belief. What’s next “ah, my delicious ham and cheese sandwich” or “he lapped up her love syrup”. Was the author particularly hungry when writing the book, on a diet perhaps and dreaming of pudding?
DreadPirateRachel said on 09.15.11 at 05:07 PM • [link]
That is not actually as bad as some euphemisms I’ve read. Just sayin’.
Add me to the list of people with no idea about the book but strong appreciation for the HABO.
cbackson said on 09.15.11 at 05:11 PM • [link]
Oh God. I should NOT have read this at work.
@joykenn: I read some dreadful romance that kept referring to the heroine’s “dripping oils”. Like she had a leaky filter or something.
Sorcha Mowbray said on 09.15.11 at 05:15 PM • [link]
No clue, but the most awesome HABO yet! And if we can’t find this…I may have to try and write it. ROFLMAO!
Anna the Piper said on 09.15.11 at 05:52 PM • [link]
@Miss Moppet: High five!
And you would clearly appreciate that Zim in general is NOT who you’d want to find in a romance novel. I mean, with quotes like this…
... this does not exactly say ‘romance novel hero’ to me!
But then again, given that your HABO mentions “love pudding”.... ;>
@LG: Doesn’t he just? I would totally dance with GIR!
LG said on 09.15.11 at 06:10 PM • [link]
@Anna the Piper - Lol, if your Zim quote were really in a romance novel, then Zim would be an Alpha in the most awesomely bad romance ever.
Anna the Piper said on 09.15.11 at 06:16 PM • [link]
@LG: From the same episode, we also have this one:
Yeah, Zim’s TOTALLY an old skool alpha hero. :D A very, very SHORT alpha hero…
kkw said on 09.15.11 at 06:25 PM • [link]
What a fabulous request. I don’t think I’ve read it, because love pudding doesn’t sound familiar. But someone has to know, because between the red beans and rice HaBO and this one, we could put together a great book club dinner party. I suppose if no one comes up with this one, we could have peaches and crème for dessert. More than one author uses peaches, but it’s definitely in one of the BDB books, and the crème novel…I only remember the accent mark, and a hilariously badly written anal sex in the bath scene, but I could probably track it down if need be. Of course, I’m not sure what I would make for love pudding, but there would definitely not be raisins.
Txtingmrdarcy said on 09.15.11 at 06:41 PM • [link]
Okay, I just went home and tried to cook this, and it didn’t look like Mac and Cheese AT ALL.
Wait. This isn’t a food blog? MAN that’s awkward. ;)
AnaB said on 09.15.11 at 08:19 PM • [link]
Nanny Ogg’s Cookbook. Where they start out as Maids of Honour but end up as Tarts.
Oh, and the Bananananana Surprise too.
What, we weren’t talking about naughty cookbooks?!
James Lynch said on 09.15.11 at 08:22 PM • [link]
“They’ve got peanuts and soap in them…”
I love “Zim Eats Waffles,” though my favorite episodes remains “Hamstergeddon” and, of course, “The Nightmare Begins” (the latter has the wunnerful Doom song).
infinitieh said on 09.15.11 at 08:48 PM • [link]
When I first saw “DOOOOOM” in the title, I thought of Chuckie Finster in “Rugrats” but the “doomy doom doom” is definitely GIR. Love how a HaHO turned into an appreciation for “Invader Zim”!
Del Dryden said on 09.15.11 at 09:55 PM • [link]
@infinitieh Does HaHo stand for what I think I stand for? :-D
*doom doom doom, doom de doom doom, doomy doom doom*
I’m extremely disappointed nobody recognizes this book because I really wanted to know more about the love pudding.
beggar1015 said on 09.15.11 at 10:04 PM • [link]
I thought of the MST3K movie Robot Holocaust.
“Yoow and yoo dawta ar doowmed”
But now I’ve moved on to that 80’s hit from Dionne Warwick and Jeffrey Osborne:
Love pudding, it rules us
Takes over and fools us
To make it, it takes
Raisins!
Miss Moppet said on 09.15.11 at 10:11 PM • [link]
Sad to think this one might remain a mystery… love pudding aside, no one remembers a rapetastic hero who is some part of british government and vying for strict law/outlawing of child labor? I remember that he takes her on a tour of the factories to see the exploited children. I think.
Lily LeFevre said on 09.15.11 at 11:03 PM • [link]
joykenn - not a romance novel but Cosmic Banditos (ac weisbecker) has a chapter with about 10 food euphemisms. although they were not for her particular parts but her in general. “my little raspberry crumb cake” was still asleep style.
i agree with dread pirate rachel, though, love syrup might be an improvement on some other descriptors I’ve read! :)
also to miss moppet good luck and i have no clue. word is “needed59” so maybe we need 59 commenters to find one who knows? i’m doing my part for the numbers, then!
Sarah C said on 09.16.11 at 12:32 AM • [link]
questions that might help @miss moppet
do you have about year you read the book?
time period for the book?
Any names?
Now I most go eat taquitos and youtube doom songs
who loves gir products27
Anonymous Male Reader said on 09.16.11 at 12:59 AM • [link]
If you go to Google Books, and search for “love pudding” and romance, you do get a reference to what sounds remarkably like this book… referenced in another book.
Apparently Adam Breadmore read this classic of literature and made note of it in his seminal work “Scarlet Kiss” on page 123.
ElfinGood said on 09.16.11 at 03:59 AM • [link]
Sounds like a mash of a Laura Lee Guhrke book “And Then He Kissed Her”. It has the publishing bits. Lorraine Heath did a Oliver Twistastic series and the first book “In Bed with the Devil” might have the child labor bill. Chimney sweep flashbacks for the new Devil Earl.
I don’t have those books any longer in order to do a Proper Pudding Search and close out this HABO.
JessicaL said on 09.16.11 at 05:35 AM • [link]
I was doing some googling and came upon…“he thrust his purple-headed warrior into her quivering mound of love pudding.”
Why would you do that to me google? Can’t unsee.
RockLady said on 09.16.11 at 06:24 AM • [link]
I know I’ve read this, what year would it have been?
JaneDrew said on 09.16.11 at 06:27 AM • [link]
@JessicaL: Actually (fortunately?) that’s from the second “Police Squad” movie, with Leslie Nielson. I…. don’t think that they were reading from a genuine Harlequin Presents. The cover art involved a creepy smiling couple, and a tray of over-sized muffins (it is possibly sad that I remember that…).... in short, it was nowhere near as disturbing as, say the “Duck Shack” cover.
(It’s a scene where the scientist character is reading a very dull presentation on important environmental topics, thus putting his audience to sleep… since there’s a bomb in the basement, this is Not Good. Ergo, Frank Drebin hands the scientist a romance novel and the scientist reads that line, causing everybody to immediately wake up….)
JaneDrew said on 09.16.11 at 06:33 AM • [link]
*sigh* Sorry; “Police Squad” was the TV show; the movies were “The Naked Gun: [subtitle goes here]”
Johanna Jochum said on 09.16.11 at 09:12 PM • [link]
Could it be a Betina Krahn book? She might have wrote a book about child labor laws. Just can’t remember! Thanks for the chuckle this morning!
kkw said on 09.16.11 at 11:16 PM • [link]
Barbara Cartland liked evil experienced mistresses and wide eyed innocent heroines, and angry cold misunderstood heros, and she really loved to throw in painfully oversimplified social issues for our h/H to tidy up. I just don’t think the sex was ever sufficiently explicit to merit a love pudding. Which is not a sentence I ever thought I’d need.
@Maili - what’s the similar one set in the US? Maybe it’ll be by the same author or something.
Miss Moppet said on 09.17.11 at 06:54 AM • [link]
I read this when I was a teenager so I read it in the 90s. I’m guessing (given it’s rape-yness that it was written in the 70s-80s.
I checked all the books mentioned and none sounded right. I swear to you, this is a real thing. Even worse, is I found the book about two years ago (that’s when I had the conversation with my friend about the love pudding) and I accidentally donated it with a group of other books. The title just completely escapes me. I’ve exhausted all my google-fu.
The only thing I can tell you is that is was definitely written no later than the mid nineties and that the mistresses name was Dollie or Daisy or Bessy. Something like that.
KarenH said on 09.17.11 at 08:32 AM • [link]
I’ll be the street vendor outside, selling raisins. :)
NerdyLutheranChick said on 09.20.11 at 07:22 AM • [link]
I have no idea what the book is, but I have never laughed so hard in my life! Not only does “Love Pudding” take the cake, but the whole recipe for disaster was hilarious!
L Violet said on 09.20.11 at 08:20 PM • [link]
Miss Moppet, when your book when is published I will read it all up with a big spoon.
Books like the one you HABOed are why I didn’t read romance until I was “large63”, as my wordverification says. We’ve come a long way, baby.
JamiSings said on 09.20.11 at 11:34 PM • [link]
I honestly can’t remember where I read it, but sometime back in my youth when my best friend at the time was shoving romance novels at me, I swear I read one that described a woman’s sexual fluids as either “love honey” or “sweet honey.”
It was using during an oral sex scene. So it was something about him lapping up her love honey.
Kara said on 09.21.11 at 10:46 PM • [link]
Ms Virginia Henley was/is quite fond of calling a woman’s sexual fluids some type of honey…
Miss Moppet said on 09.22.11 at 03:16 PM • [link]
@Kara, you beat me to it! I was a huge fan of Virginia Henley back in the day and she loved calling the vajayjay, honey pot. I particularly recall it in The Falcon and The Flower which was one of my favorite books when I was a teenager. Oh lord was it rapetastic. The main female character was actually frigid (a vagsicle if you will) and he banged her until her honey pot thawed out.
Corrinne said on 09.22.11 at 08:28 PM • [link]
Must chime in approval of Zim references. Did anyone ever read his comic books Johnny the Homicidal Maniac? If not, please do. Eminently quotable. And I want some “Google-fu”...where does one acquire this?
Love pudding is definitely slightly less wince-worthy than some of the drivel I’ve come across. I mean…giggling in the middle of reading a scene like that can really mess with your head!
Miss Moppet said on 09.24.11 at 06:07 AM • [link]
@Corrinne
I have the compendium books of both JTHM and Squee and I have all the comics he released for I Feel Sick. I love them.
I’m particularly enamored of Wobbly Headed Bob. I feel he was much superior to the tediousness of Happy Noodle Boy. The subtitles on those mini comics are my favorite like, “Like a terminal wiperag in a land of pure butt, he is Wobbly Headed Bob.” How do you not love that?
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