Heroic Wardrobe Decisions

Bitchin' Blog Posts

by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | May 09, 2012 | Wednesday at 1:58 am | 61 Comments

I notice that when I read romances, I really enjoy scenes from the hero's point of view. I love the change in perspective, but more importantly, I love scenes where, because I know the character from the prose, I almost know already what he's thinking.

But then, I realized, we've known for a long time what men are thinking in romanceland. Take, for example, these marvelous examples of portraiture which are all courtesy of the amazing old skool collection of JamiSings, who scanned and sent all these images to me.

I think we've been subtly taught by these cover images what the romance hero is thinking, particularly about fashion. These heroes are here to guide us through important heroic wardrobe decisions.

Wardrobe is very important. Whether you're in the dazzling Tudor court or the sparkling Regency or the semi-carbonated Jacobean era, what you wear is crucial. See? This poor man looks miserable.

"It's cold and windy. I'm in the Highlands. The weather forecast is ALWAYS 'chance of cold and windy.' So why in the name of bridle fringe didn't I wear a shirt today? Flat Male Nipples do not keep a man warm."

When it comes to fashion, a hero worth the designation has his limits as to what kind of suggestions he will allow from the heroine.

"Look, this is my LUCKY SPARKLE VEST. You may not wear it. You haven't even pulled your Spanx all the way up and you're wearing TWO SCARVES. Fix that before you even speak of my Lucky Sparkle Vest."

And some heroes are easily distracted by other people's wardrobe decisions:

"I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was transfixed by, um, the, uh, puckered rosebuds. Yeah."

And yet some heroes remain a mystery to me, to you, possibly to everyone.

Horse: "Look. He's the Prince of Mom Jeans and Duke of Combover, not Viscount Google Maps. Do you really want to ask him for directions? I didn't think so. Move along, nothing to see here."

Seriously, I'm not sure about that last guy. I'm not sure what he's thinking. What do you think?

Filed: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition), General Bitching

Tagged: old skool, man titty, awesomesauce

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Tina Chaney said on 05.09.12 at 05:39 AM • [link]

I keep trying to come up with something but I’m utterly distracted by the dissonance caused by the juxtaposition of a shirtless doofus astride one of those plastic ponies that toddlers ride for a quarter and the tagline, “He was the ultimate lover - the modern-day vampire of her dreams…” Really? She dreams of a guy who looks like he can’t quite figure out why he’s on the horse, wearing his Mom’s second-best jeans? That’s some low standards there.
Brigid Kemmerer said on 05.09.12 at 05:49 AM • [link]

As a former equestrian, I’m most disturbed by the English saddle, the hybrid western/English bridle (???), and the fact that he’s holding the reins the way six-year-olds do when they’re terrified to be on the back of a real live animal.

Actually, I think he’s wondering if he got a haircut from that guy in the first Wayne’s World movie with the vaccuum haircut thing. What was that thing called? The Suck-Cut? :-)
LG said on 05.09.12 at 06:53 AM • [link]

I remember that last cover, and I remember hating it, because it looks like not a single thought is running through his head. That man’s mind is blank. Either that, or the effort of trying to think is overheating his brain.
Jenyfer said on 05.09.12 at 07:08 AM • [link]

The last guy actually looks like he might have been sleep walking and is wondering how he woke up shirtless on a horse (the sleepwalking might also explain the mismatched saddle and harness) Nothing really explains his hair and mom-jeans…
Hannah said on 05.09.12 at 07:10 AM • [link]

I can’t decide what’s more disturbing about that last cover: the look on that guy’s face, the fact that the image has been distorted so that that horse is squished, or that he’s actually a vampire out during sunset.
Melanie said on 05.09.12 at 07:19 AM • [link]

“OMG…I’ve forgotten to put on a shirt again.”
Beccah W. said on 05.09.12 at 07:23 AM • [link]

In the last cover the guy looks like he has a tear in his eye…I’m going to agree that his brain is overheating.
Clau said on 05.09.12 at 07:24 AM • [link]

I agree with Hannah he looks a few tacos short of a fiesta platter, the expression is vacant really, the poor horse is squished into the picture…..and of course the sunset thing….
Janelovering said on 05.09.12 at 07:35 AM • [link]

I think that last guy is thinking ‘I asked for a pelham and they’ve put the damn thing in a hackamore! A hackamore! With my ‘shopping trolley’ hands…. asking for trouble!’
cecilia said on 05.09.12 at 07:38 AM • [link]

“Oh crap. Did I leave the oven on at home?”
Jewel said on 05.09.12 at 07:49 AM • [link]

“You haven’t even pulled your Spanx all the way up” bwahahahahah!
Melanie said on 05.09.12 at 08:12 AM • [link]

“Sqirrel!”
Darlene Marshall said on 05.09.12 at 08:18 AM • [link]

Thanks for the reminders of why we love Old Skool books and the heroes who adorn them.
shiloh walker said on 05.09.12 at 08:20 AM • [link]

I love it… He’s the duke of combovers…
MelM said on 05.09.12 at 08:22 AM • [link]

I have thought for a long time that almost all male cover models have a slightly dazed look like they have just woken up from a drunken blackout and are wondering what the heck they missed between 2:00 a.m. and dawn. “Where am I?” “Who is this woman?” “Why am I wearing thigh high boots and no shirt?” “Why does it feel like my underwear is on backwards?”

Maybe this explains why so many models are shown headless these days.
Maria Litsas said on 05.09.12 at 08:43 AM • [link]

@MelM ROFL! Yes and Yes. That must totally be why they are shown headless.

That first guy has that same look of utter consternation that my ex-boyfriend used to get when I would tell him a joke based on a pun, or pretty much any joke that wasn’t lifted from The Office or SNL. (Yes, that’s more than half the reason I broke up with him). “Honey, don’t strain your brain too hard, you might break something”
Jami JoAnne Russell said on 05.09.12 at 08:55 AM • [link]

Flowbee!

http://www.flowbee.com/

I can’t believe they still exist.
Todd said on 05.09.12 at 08:57 AM • [link]

I remember seeing a cover - a step-back, actually, if I remember correctly - set in the highlands and the hero’s standing on a rocky promontory in a storm. His long hair is being tossed about in the wind ... as is his mini-kilt. Nice knees, but every time I saw it, I thought “he MUST be cold!”
R.Savage said on 05.09.12 at 09:13 AM • [link]

Not sure about the last guy ... but my brain just had some fun with #2. It’s so much more like he’s trying to hide the fugly slacks or whatever it is she’s wearing.

“No darling, you’re not dressed well enough to share cover space with me. Go sit in the corner and think of what you’ve done. Don’t leave the house again until you can look as good as me.”

Though of all of them I think the sherrif up there is having the most fun. Or will be having the most fun. Maybe…
Smelly Pugsley said on 05.09.12 at 09:23 AM • [link]

“Crap, I left the Sun-In in too long again..”

I agree the vacant look doesn’t do it for me. The arrogant-vacant look is even worse. The sheriff looks OK, but a bit on the smug-vacant side. Almost as bad as the heroine dress-coming-apart thing IMO, which is rubbish, because everyone knows it took hours to be sewed into those things, and then you couldn’t go pee until you got undressed again.

And yes, I know it’s a bit chilly in the Highlands, but I do actually like coverboys with their kit off. Better than kit on IMO.
Flo_over said on 05.09.12 at 09:48 AM • [link]

Let’s be honest, that last guy looks like he’s about to fart and he’s vaguely disturbed by the sensation. At least that is what my toddler looks like when she’s about to fart… sans combover.
KenHoughton said on 05.09.12 at 09:56 AM • [link]

Y’all are too young. The last guy is clearly thinking, “They wanted ME for a Romance Cover. Wait until I tell the guys at Uncle Charlie’s tonight!”
VandyJ said on 05.09.12 at 10:23 AM • [link]

Eh, even squished, the horse looks smarter than the guy in the last picture. All his face says to me is “durrr?”
Jami JoAnne Russell said on 05.09.12 at 10:33 AM • [link]

BTW - All these and many others are ones I’m weeding from my personal collection. So if anyone just HAS to have them let me know. They’ve been in storage so they’re a bit yellowed and such. I don’t see myself rereading any of them.

Otherwise I’m giving them to the Friends Of The Library where they’ll be sold for 50 cents each. Or in their Buck A Bag sale.

I’m going on a fishing trip on Monday and work all weekend, so you have to let me know ASAP. First come, first served. Yes, they’re free.
Sveta said on 05.09.12 at 10:54 AM • [link]

I was more wondering why the guy was half naked and sitting on a horse with a wild eyed expression on his face. Probably likes showing off his abs and muscles I’d guess.

http://sveta-randomblog.blogsp…
Deldryden said on 05.09.12 at 11:35 AM • [link]

Cannot stop giggling at Viscount Google Maps.
Molly Montgomery said on 05.09.12 at 11:50 AM • [link]

Horse: Please get me the hell off this cover.
JoanneF said on 05.09.12 at 11:55 AM • [link]

About that last cover, I didn’t know that Sheldon Cooper from “The Big Bang Theory” moonlights as a romance cover model.
http://tinyurl.com/7kphuu5
Abby said on 05.09.12 at 12:02 PM • [link]

This cover brought to you by Ambien.
Kate4queen said on 05.09.12 at 12:06 PM • [link]

Thanks for the laugh! I needed it :)
Tmurphy said on 05.09.12 at 12:43 PM • [link]

The last one is hilarious! “Oh no! She found me out. I’m NOT a real vampire because of that sunset behind me and my true love is the horse!”
Rosa E. said on 05.09.12 at 12:48 PM • [link]

Oh jeez, I can’t get over that third one—the tie just kills it for me. It’s like The Erotic Adventures of Young Colonel Sanders or something. Seven different spicy nights of lovin’!
Becca Parks said on 05.09.12 at 12:55 PM • [link]

I think… wait. Do you smell pie? I think I smell pie coming from over there.
Carrie Gwaltney said on 05.09.12 at 01:33 PM • [link]

The man and horse in the last picture have identical expressions. Both are thinking, “WTF?” The man is thinking it because, obviously, he’s never been on a horse before (note rein placement and unnatural arm position) and the horse is thinking this because, well duh, the man has never been on a horse before!

The guy just asked someone off screen, “What now? Do I say giddy-up?”
The horse is thinking, “When hell freezes over!”
Carrie Gwaltney said on 05.09.12 at 01:42 PM • [link]

You know, the guy on the first cover looks completely scared. Looks like he’s saying, “Holy shit! There really IS a troll out here! We should’ve brought two horses!”
Laragrey said on 05.09.12 at 02:45 PM • [link]

The guy on the first cover is clearly terrified because there’s a miniature woman standing on his shoulder. I mean, *anyone* could forget to put on a shirt when a tiny redhead appears out of nowhere like that.

Does the Sea Raven smuggle eyeshadow and blush? If so, the heroine’s raiding his stores.

And the Prince of Dreams is wearing PajamaJeans (tm).
megalith said on 05.09.12 at 03:19 PM • [link]

“Look at your man. Now look at me. I’m on a horse!”
Jenny Lyn said on 05.09.12 at 03:20 PM • [link]

On cover #2, is she pregnant? Those pants look like preggo-pants with the stretchy panel in the front. Notice the fingers of her right hand clawing at his side. Maybe she’s trying to keep him from leaving in his sparkly vest. Somebody should’ve.

The guy in cover #3 is cute. He looks like a young Richard Gere, despite the Colonel Sanders get-up.

And #4…gah! He’s just downright creepy.
Fran said on 05.09.12 at 03:27 PM • [link]

I looked in his eyes for five minutes straight, attempting to find something funny to add to the discussion, but instead I dissolved in giggles.

We obviously got it wrong—-the horse is the vampire. He also looks like he’s going to cry…because he’s out in the sunset? because the heroine will mistakenly choose the blank-faced dude on his back and miss their chance at true love?
Hjjoyce77 said on 05.09.12 at 03:50 PM • [link]

There’s lots of derp in that last cover….and the “modern-day vampire of her dreams”?? WTF does that even mean? I’m pretty sure ancient OR modern vampires wouldn’t be caught in mom jeans.
Susan said on 05.09.12 at 04:23 PM • [link]

The Prince of Dreams horse looks both sad and accusatory—like he can’t believe they’ve done this to him. All the other horse cover models will be mocking him.

I actually like the Sea Raven’s lucky sparkle vest. And thigh high buccaneer boots. But I have no clue whatsoever what’s going on with that woman’s pants/mid-section. Her Depends undergarment is bunching up or something (obviously no toilet facilities for wimmins on the pirate ship).
Bnbsrose said on 05.09.12 at 05:25 PM • [link]

Me too, only it was along the lines of “F*** me, that IS a dragon.”
Ladyof Lostshadows said on 05.09.12 at 06:14 PM • [link]

From the way the guy and horse are both staring in the same direction on that last cover, it makes me suspect something interesting is actually happening behind the viewer.
Melanie said on 05.09.12 at 06:48 PM • [link]

The more I look at the Prince of Dreams the more I think he looks like Richard Marx circa 1989 sans mullet. Probably just me…
shiloh walker said on 05.09.12 at 08:45 PM • [link]

O.O a flowbee. I dunno if I’ve ever even HEARD of that! YIKES!
Beccah W. said on 05.09.12 at 09:09 PM • [link]

This made me search for other odd covers…and so behold the glory of this cover. I’m not sure what is going on here, but its safe to say at least that his (?) nipples are too dangerous to be displayed.
Heather the Crazy Cat Lady said on 05.09.12 at 09:41 PM • [link]

For some current WTF hero wardrobe decisions, check out “After the Abduction” by Sabrina Jeffries. I’m not sure what sort of elasticized, assymetrical creation the hero is wearing, but I can’t tear my eyes away!
DONNA said on 05.09.12 at 10:00 PM • [link]

Ruh Roh - I forgot my sunblock and my shirt!
Kellynne said on 05.10.12 at 04:36 AM • [link]

That last expression looks really familiar.
From high school.
Where I spent a lot of time handing out with “that crowd” behind the bleachers. Heh.

Actually, the horse kinda looks like he got into the stash, too.
PamG said on 05.10.12 at 07:34 AM • [link]

It’s not that easy being red
Having to spend your seed on scarlet silk sheets
When I would be much hotter in blue on my horsie of snark
Or something in leather and studded mail.

It’s not that easy being red
It seems you’re mistaken for so many very horny making things
But people say, “Meh. Another vamp.”
Cause you’re a boring suckerbite
With flashy sparkles growing dimmer
And zombies on the rise.

But red’s the color of fire
And red can be hot and smexy-like
And red can be big like the sun
Or important like my donald wig
Or flat like my nips.

When red is all there is to see
It could make my vamp butt fry
But why sizzle why sizzle
I slurp red; my horse is white
And better move. The gods damned sun is coming up!
SB Sarah said on 05.10.12 at 08:55 AM • [link]

“Flat like my nips.”

*Splutterlaugh*

BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAH. Well played.
Jami JoAnne Russell said on 05.10.12 at 10:23 AM • [link]

If I remember the book correctly, that scene on the cover from Prince Of Dreams is actually from a dream the heroine was having that he controlled. Both of them riding on the beach, then he pulls her off her horse and starts seducing her. Or maybe they both agreed to get down. I don’t remember that much. I just remember a scene in some book involving a vampire controlling a dream, horseback riding along the beach, and her nipples being sucked through a silk dress.
Bnbsrose said on 05.10.12 at 10:46 AM • [link]

You think that’s a guy? Cause from the boobage, the incurving waist and the rounded belly I thought woman. Not that the cover isn’t still snarkable, but yeah, totally a woman.
Jezmorrow said on 05.10.12 at 11:27 AM • [link]

Prince of Dreams has been posing for a very long time. Check out one of his early gigs.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F…
John C. Bunnell said on 05.10.12 at 11:54 AM • [link]

Is it just me, or has the Highland Heaven hero either (a) had an unfortunate bonding experience with a yellow-striped shirt, or (b) recently been BBQed by the villain on a grill that had been soaked in several gallons of butter? (I suppose it’s just barely possible that he belongs to a tribe of primitive Highland warriors that paint themselves with horizontal yellow stripes in honor of the ancient chieftain Sun-Through-Windowblinds, but that strikes me as a long shot.)
Jami JoAnne Russell said on 05.10.12 at 12:21 PM • [link]

Or it might’ve been my scanner. Your’s are more amusing though.
Julia said on 05.10.12 at 12:59 PM • [link]

Glorious article, I wish you had ten more covers to snark about. The lucky sparkly vest! That was just priceless. Every word fit in perfectly with the cover image. Her hand is even grabbing at his vest already!

And that poor guy on the horse really doesn’t deserve what the cover designer did to him. I would expect that facial expression from someone who just got smacked in the face. And did the designer ever see bridles in his/her/its life? They usually aren’t frozen in nice decorative curlicue shapes.

I read a lot of romance novels at a time when there apparently was some law for romance novels to have a really embarrassing cover image of a women with bare legs and a man with bare upper body making out in front of scenic wall paper and close to a wind machine. (Maybe the idea was to scare women away from buying them.)

So maybe it’s a sort of automatic reaction? In the world of romance novels, when manly men fall in love, they don’t blush, stammer or get insecure, but find perfectly convincing reasons to shed their shirts. Or maybe they are melted away by the onslaught of testosterone?
Elizabeth Gunther said on 05.11.12 at 07:58 PM • [link]

“what the hell am i doing on this horse?” or maybe “who am i?” he just looks totally blank. Ooh. maybe he’s the villain and is displaying his blank affect.
MaddBookish said on 05.12.12 at 10:19 PM • [link]

Am I the only one who looks at the cover for Justin’s Bride (#3) and think it’s J.C. Chasez from ‘N Sync?

I was thinking the guy on Prince of Dreams (#4) looked like Jeff Fahey.
http://trialx.com/curetalk/wp-...
Monica Caples said on 05.15.12 at 11:30 AM • [link]

Personally, I’m partial to the Lucky Sparkle Vest!
Jami JoAnne Russell said on 05.20.12 at 11:48 AM • [link]

Last call if anyone wants any of of these or any of the others I’m weeding out. There’s some Amanda Ashley and some that are obviously from my “anything even remotely Phantom Of The Opera/Beauty & The Beast like” obsession. On Tuesday the 22nd I’ll be taking them to work with me. Heck, if one person wants them all - and there’s quite a few, I’m not going to list all the titles, you’re welcome to them.

E-mail is .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) - if I don’t hear from anyone by 8:30 am PST on Tuesday they’re all going to the Friends to be sold for 50 cents each.

Just FYI They have been in storage in cardboard boxes so while they’re still whole some are curved and all have yellowing.