Happy Birthday Candy

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by SB Sarah | February 04, 2008 | Monday at 12:04 pm | 50 Comments

According to my web research, the 30th anniversary gift is traditionally pearls or diamonds. But here at Smart Bitch headquarters, the traditional gift to mark the passing of the big 3-0 is something very very different.

The 30th birthday at Smart Bitches: the year of the Mantitty Mullet. And here to pay tribute to Candy on her 30th birthday are some of the finest mantitty mullet men ever to walk the earth - and remember, I grew up in Pittsburgh during the years of Jaromir Jagr and Mario Lemieux, so I know whereof I mullet. Only the finest mulleted mantitty shall express their luuuuurveâ„¢ for Candy’s 30th. Read on.

Chuck Norris: “Unauthorized use of my name, my mullet, or my mantitty is expressly forbidden. Ass kicking shall commence now. Except for Candy, because her eyes are like the finest molten chocolate, and her skin like dewy leaves on the newest lilac.”

Mark Twain: “Rumors of my mullet are greatly exaggerated. However, my mantitty is verbose and brilliant, as is Candy.”

Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance: “My feet are not the only thing that is flaming, mi’love. My heart beats wildly under my sweaty chest, and only Candy can soothe my flaming torment.”

Lou Ferrigno: “Inside one of my lucious pectorals, I’ve hidden Andy Dick. It is my gift to Candy.”

Lou Ferrigno: “Shit, he escaped. Sorry, Candy, my love. Come and comfort me in my moment of shame?”

William Shatner: “Alas… I do not have… a mullet…. But I do… have…a waxed chest. Come… and feel the splendor….Candy.”

Bruce Lee: “Even from beyond the grave, lithe mantitty and Asian mullet are full of win. I love you, Candy.”

John Stamos: “Come and join me in the hot tub, Candy, before the bubbles wash away my other nipple.”

Carrot Top: “What, a tribute of mullets and mantitty without ME? It would be like having screaming cuntmonkeys without Candy. Inconceivable!”

Ok, ok, you’re right. That was uncalled for. Here, to cleanse the palette:

SebastiÃ¡n Rulli: “Not all mullets are bad, mi amor. My hot mullet, let me show you it.”

Andy Lau: I do not have a mullet, but I am Andy Lau, and I know I am the perfect 30th present for Candy.”

Ladies, feel free to post your mantitty mullet celebrants in the comments. Try not to make the image too big, though.

Happy birthday Candy! Have a great one!

Filed:

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Cat Marsters said on 02.04.08 at 03:12 PM • [comment link]

Sean Bean: “Eh up, lass, if me mullet don’t do it for you, how about me impressive, fully cocked weapon?”
Charlene said on 02.04.08 at 03:14 PM • [comment link]

It’s the guy from the cover of The Black Dragon!
Carrie Lofty said on 02.04.08 at 05:41 PM • [comment link]

“While I’m savin’ the world, I’m thinkin’ of you, Candy. And the dyin’ folks. And The Edge. But mostly Candy.”
Carrie Lofty said on 02.04.08 at 05:47 PM • [comment link]

Me & the HTML, we are not friends. And the “preview” function is missing. Help?
Darlene Marshall said on 02.04.08 at 05:50 PM • [comment link]

Wow. I don’t have any mulletliciousness to share, but thank you, SB Sarah for saving the best for last!

Happy birthday, Candy!

Now ‘scuse me, I have to go back and look at Sebastian and Andy again. And again.
Jenyfer Matthews said on 02.04.08 at 06:06 PM • [comment link]

I have no mantitty to offer you - just best wishes for a great birthday!
TracyS said on 02.04.08 at 06:19 PM • [comment link]

Ah, a mulleted Patrick Swayze riding up to save you on his white horse!!

Happy Birthday Candy!
ManningVV said on 02.04.08 at 06:24 PM • [comment link]

Master my Universe
Happy 30th!
Sandra D said on 02.04.08 at 06:37 PM • [comment link]

Happy Birthday Candy, may it Hofftastic!

Sarah TY for making me chortle out loud.
Barb Ferrer said on 02.04.08 at 06:51 PM • [comment link]

A blast from the mulletastic past, Candyâ€”have a GREAT one!
spinsterwitch said on 02.04.08 at 06:59 PM • [comment link]

Happy Birthday Candy! I hope that you are not too scarred by that picture of Carrot Top to celebrate.
Brandi said on 02.04.08 at 07:14 PM • [comment link]

Er, I don’t think 70s feather cuts == mullets, although that’s a great Leif Garrett picture.

Now enjoy some tasty seafood:
Miri said on 02.04.08 at 08:00 PM • [comment link]

Happy 30th Candy! I can’t top all the wonderful mullet candy your getting from the other girls but if I could i’d send you this:
http://www.blueq.com/video/hunks/

enjoy!
azteclady said on 02.04.08 at 08:09 PM • [comment link]

I don’t know how to add a picture so I’ll just say, “Think Josh Holloway/Sawyer from LOST” and enjoy your day! Best wishes, Candy!
Barb Ferrer said on 02.04.08 at 08:12 PM • [comment link]

Hehâ€”think of it as the PRE-mullet, Brandi. There are some definite early mullet indicators there. :)
Barb Ferrer said on 02.04.08 at 08:16 PM • [comment link]

And more Sebastian RullÃ, complete with mantitty.
Zoe Archer said on 02.04.08 at 08:20 PM • [comment link]

How do you insert pictures with html? I have a lovely gift for Candy!
Candy said on 02.04.08 at 08:26 PM • [comment link]

Oh mah gah. Thanks, bitches! (I think.) I loff all of you.

OK, off to the doctor to see what he can do about that ruptured spleen after I saw that carrot top picture.
RStewie said on 02.04.08 at 08:27 PM • [comment link]

BATMAN TITTY!!
Sorryâ€¦Iâ€™m looking forward to watching this.
RStewie said on 02.04.08 at 08:30 PM • [comment link]

Dammit. Where’s the pic?

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/contributor/1800018597/photo/970440115

Anyhoo…Happy 30th!! I just got there myself, an it was great! I think I’m finally an adult!

spamword bring49…I couldn’t even bring one pic. How do you do that, anyway?
Candy said on 02.04.08 at 08:39 PM • [comment link]

The more I look at Mark Twain, the more hypnotized I am by that magnificent handlebar. Like I was telling Sarah earlier, I would’ve hit that like a hurricane if I’d been alive back in the day.

Also, for those of you wondering how to post pictures, you can use the following code:

<img src=“http://whatever.the.url.is.jpg” />
Zoe Archer said on 02.04.08 at 08:52 PM • [comment link]

Happy 30th Birfday, Candy!
darlynne said on 02.04.08 at 09:08 PM • [comment link]

I’ve never seen Sebastian RullÃ before so this is like Happy Birthday to me, too!

All the best, Candy.
L.C. McCabe said on 02.04.08 at 09:41 PM • [comment link]

/>

French Rugby superstar Sebastien Chabal.
L.C. McCabe said on 02.04.08 at 09:46 PM • [comment link]

And another baring his chest for your viewing pleasure.
Tina said on 02.04.08 at 10:11 PM • [comment link]

Orlando Bloom (with man titty) says, “Candy, you are my Kingdom of Heaven!”

service58? Somehow, it seems appropriate to the conversation.
Christina said on 02.04.08 at 11:38 PM • [comment link]

All those born in 1978, holla!

Happy Birthday, Candy!
robinb said on 02.04.08 at 11:46 PM • [comment link]

Happy Birthday, girl!

And whoever posted Leif was just WRONG! :)
MamaNice said on 02.04.08 at 11:51 PM • [comment link]

Happy birthday from the K-O-M.

Only the best for your birthday Candy!
MamaNice said on 02.05.08 at 12:00 AM • [comment link]

Now he’s the F-K-O-M (Former King of Mullets)

Someone (not me) actually put this together…now you may enjoy!
Sandra Schwab said on 02.05.08 at 12:49 AM • [comment link]

Happy, happy birthday, Candy! I hope you’re having a fantastic day, filled with lots of mullets ... uhm ... (I’d prefer chocolate fudge cake, to be honest, but that’s just me *g*)

Here’s a Mr. Gutenberg with a funny hat for you. Enjoy! (No mullet in sight, but long, long beard, as far as I can tell).
Barb Ferrer said on 02.05.08 at 01:11 AM • [comment link]

And whoever posted Leif was just WRONG!

Hey now! Don’t make me go lookin’ for the mantitty Leif picture.

Or…

Or…

The Bay City Rollers!
Freezair said on 02.05.08 at 01:39 AM • [comment link]

I agree that some of these cuts don’t scream “mullet” so much as “feather cut,” which I will personally admit to finding rather cute—but it’s all amusing anyway.

Happy Birthday, Candy! Hulk Hogan, his mullet, AND his mustache wish you a happy one!

Saddest piece of trivia I know: Hulk Hogan hosted the official Pokemon 10th Anniversary party/festival/thing. Whyyyyyy?
michelle said on 02.05.08 at 01:41 AM • [comment link]

Happy Birthday Candy. Hope you have a wonderful day.
Lilith Saintcrow said on 02.05.08 at 03:04 AM • [comment link]

Happy Birthday, you thing from another world, you!

And to everyone: thanks for all the mullets. I haven’t laughed this hard since…Jesus, I can’t remember. Bay City Rollers and Hulk Hogan on one webpage. I’m thinking it’s a wonder the server does not splode.

HOFF ON, CANDY!
E.D'Trix said on 02.05.08 at 03:24 AM • [comment link]

Here’s hoping this works…

It’s all well and good to love the mullets, Candy—but whatever you do, AVOID THIS ONE. It is hazardous to your health, yo!
Susan/DC said on 02.05.08 at 04:16 AM • [comment link]

The link is to scenes from La Mome/La Vie en Rose, the recent film about Edith Piaf. I thought it appropriate for Candy’s birthday for two reasons: 1) Je ne regrette rien is the perfect song for a 30th b-day and 2) at 1:22 into the video you get Jean Pierre Martins. No mullet but one very fine looking man.

http:
//www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS5yQYP4K90&NR=1

spam filter word: feeling32—at least I didn’t link to a video of someone singing “Feelings” . . .
Susan/DC said on 02.05.08 at 04:22 AM • [comment link]

My magic fingers flew way too fast and I messed up, so here’s trying again (30th b-days are worth a bit of extra effort):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS5yQYP4K90&NR=1
Denni said on 02.05.08 at 04:33 AM • [comment link]

Alas, if I was a smarter bitch, I could post a picture also.

Happy bitchy birthday wishes Candy!
talpianna said on 02.05.08 at 05:58 AM • [comment link]

J’adore Edith Piaf!

Sorry, I have no mullets to offer, but I understand other seafood is acceptable. So: Have a clam!

http://www.dec.state.ak.us/eh/images/lab/geoduck.jpeg

Better yet, dance the night away with Pubert the Disco Clam!
http://www.elizabethlowell.com/boardpics/jhg_dancinggeoduck.gif
Angelia Sparrow said on 02.05.08 at 06:46 AM • [comment link]

Offering you some lovely black & white art shots. A bit shy of Mullet-ness, but I think you’ll like.

Israel really is the promised land.

Paul Robeson, sexy voice, sexy man
Angelia Sparrow said on 02.05.08 at 06:47 AM • [comment link]

D’oh! Forgot to close a tag
sara said on 02.05.08 at 07:34 AM • [comment link]

Rowr. I’d be ok with turning 30 (won’t happen for a couple of years yet) if I got some Andy Lau. Happy birthday, Candy - I hope your absence from the comment thread means you’re *celebrating* (and not studying if you know what I mean and I bet you do because you’re a Smart Bitch.
Kaitlin said on 02.05.08 at 09:53 AM • [comment link]

I might be a bit late in the birthday wishes, but I hope your 30th is a great one. I know mine was. :) Enjoy a drink on us…we won’t mind, will we ladies? :D

Hugs!
sherry thomas said on 02.05.08 at 05:04 PM • [comment link]
sherry thomas said on 02.05.08 at 05:06 PM • [comment link]

Forgot to label the ever so beautiful, ever so hot Takeshi Kaneshiro.

I’m mesmerized.

Word Verif hes81. Yeah, on a scale of 10.
Taylor Reynolds said on 02.05.08 at 06:19 PM • [comment link]

Happy Birthday, Candy!

I’m right behind you, hitting 30 this fall ;)
Angelina said on 02.05.08 at 07:47 PM • [comment link]

Happy Birthday Candy! Only 29 this year for me. No seiously I really am only 29. No, really check my license.

Damn, wish I was turning 30.
Becky said on 02.05.08 at 11:27 PM • [comment link]

Dang. A day late and a mullet short. Happy Birthday anyway, Candy!
Nat said on 02.07.08 at 05:23 AM • [comment link]

I hope you had a fantastic birthday Candy. I loved turning 30 and my 30’s have been the best times of my life. I hope your 30’s treat you just as great as mine are!