Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Potatoes that Fan Your Desire

Ingredients:
•2 big and firm potatoes
•Slippery olive oil
•Seasonings to make one mad with lust (Basil, oregano, parsley, salt, pepper)
•Mozzarella, shredded like the nightgown that was ripped off you last night (optional)

Directions:

First, excite your oven until it is hot and ready at 425?.

Meanwhile, get your dirty, rugged potatoes wet and rub them down until they are as clean as a reformed rake.  Slice them as thin as the barrier that marks one a virgin.  Spread the quivering potato pieces onto a greased baking sheet, slightly overlapping one over the other like discarded lovers of a woman with a jaded past.

Drizzle a light coating of olive oil over the potatoes, as you would your lover for a massage in all the right places.  Then sprinkle, to match your wanton tastes, the seasonings, giving the potatoes the look of a lover’s skin, speckled by sunlight coming through the shade of the tree you just made love under. 

Additionally, if it is your want, sprinkle a similar amount of mozzarella for some added adventure.

Place in the oven and wait in trembling anticipation for a half hour, or until cooked. 

Relieve that built up tension by placing a small bite in your mouth, and reap the orgasmic rewards of your patience. 

—-
Well, there’s my attempt.  My mom requests these every time I cook, so hopefully I won’t feel dirty whenever making them from now on.

:)

Argh, forgot the Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary!  ;)

Hot n Creamy Pop the Cherry Soy Rice Pudding

2 cups cooked rice
3 cups vanilla soy milk
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup dried sweet cherries
cinnamon
nutmeg
ginger

Stir together your rice, soy milk, spices and sugar and bring to a bubbling boil.  Turn that pot down to a simmer and add the cherries.  Let it cook into a hot creamy pot of deliciousness.  Remember to stir occasionally so you don’t get a burned cherry ;)
Enjoy warm, hot, or on top of the body part of choice.

Happy Anniversary!!! Thanks so much for all the fun posts, insightful reviews, and the classic in ur ass, saving ur life.

Midknyt, lusting after those potatoes!

Have you ever tried getting kinky with them and exchanging the spices for a BBQ mix? I quite like the taste, it sends shivers down my spine like the touch of an illicit lover. And if you serve it to your mother, she can go “OMGWTFBBQ!” *g*

Spam word: john37. No, not going there. Not even thinking about it.

Pierced by the lovebite of the can opener, the chili sighed with relief as she spun lazily in a haze of lust. Soon she would drip slowly into a bold microwave-safe container, where a pound of cheap yet inexorable American cheese slices would coat her tender beans, layer after layer, until the chili would not know where she stopped and her American lover began. Nine minutes of ecstasy on high power alone, until the threesome began, the crisp and spicy Cool Ranch Dorito probing, plunging and dipping in for his pleasure. The simplicity—-no, the rightness of it all—-the magic of processed food brought to dizzying new heights of decadence and depravity.

A perfect party dip for your birthday! Congrats!

Happy Anniversary! I’m in the middle of kid-mess, but I’ll try to post a recipe later.

And the idea of seman-based food created an amazingly disgusting first-thing-in-the-morning hork. Man, I love this site.

Happy Anniversary!  Here’s to 4 more fabulous Smart Bitches Years!

I don’t cook, so I don’t need any appliances.  But I think that peppermint-striped thing has some attachment by it that looks like a marital aid, and I used to have that crock pot, but I let something fester in it so long that I was too afraid to clean it out, and too ashamed for the garbage man to see it, so I buried it under a pine tree in the backyard and told my husband that I broke it.

Happy Fourth, Smart Bitches!

Well there’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back & an hour of work I happily avoided ... I clicked on the the link and read your first SBTB blogs and couldn’t stop at just one.

Congratulations & Happy Anniversary!!!

Banana I’m Gonna Nut Bread Pudding
Banana Nut Bread Part
( This is Two Recipes Combined To Make A Kick-A** Treat)
1/2c. butter
1c. sugar
1 tsp. light brown sugar
1/8 tsp. each cinnamon and nutmeg
2 eggs
1/2 tsp. vanilla
3 overripe bananas
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda dissolved in 2 Tbsp. buttermilk
1/2c. nuts (your choice what kind I use walnuts)
2 c. all purpose flour

Cream butter and sugar.  Add in everything except flour and blend until creamy.  Slowly add flour.  Pour into greased loaf pan and bake @325 degrees for about 75 minutes.

Bread Pudding Part
Cut enough of the above loaf into chunks to cover the bottom of a 8” square baking dish(butter dish first).  Then pour the following mixture over top and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.
2 Tbsp. melted butter
3 eggs
1/2c. white sugar
1/4c. light brown sugar
2c. milk
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 tsp. each cinnamon and nutmeg
Mix the ingredients well, pour over bread and bake for 45 minutes @ 350 degrees.

/delurks to wish you a Very Happy Anniversary!

I come here every day for insight, wisdom, giggles, and, I’ll admit it, the mantitty. Here’s to Four. Moar. Years!

Wow, has it been four years already?  Hard (heh) to believe. 

I’ll try and post a recipe later, but I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary Bitches!

Black bean & corn enchiladas:

2 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tbsp. olive oil
1 small can chopped green chiles OR 1/4 cup diced jalepeno peppers
1 can whole kernel corn, drained
1 can black beans, drained
1 cup ricotta cheese OR 1/2 cup ricotta cheese and 1/2 cup silken tofu OR 1 cup silken tofu
2 cups pepper jack cheese
1 cup sour cream
20 whole wheat flour tortillas
1 large can enchilada sauce

Sautee garlic and olive oil in a saucepan, approximately 5 minutes. Add the chiles, corn, and black beans. Stir well and heat through. Add the ricotta/tofu or ricotta or tofu, sour cream, and 1 cup of pepper jack. Heat just long enough to melt the pepper jack. Spoon approximately 3 tbsp. of mixture onto each tortilla and roll them up. Place the enchiladas in a large glass casserole dish (it’s okay to squish them together). When the dish is full and all of the enchiladas are prepared, pour any excess filling on top of the enchiladas. Pour enchilada sauce over the tops of the enchiladas, making sure they are entirely covered. Sprinkle the other 1 cup of pepper jack on top. Bake at 425 degrees Farenheight for approximately 20 minutes.

Happy Anniversary Bitches!!  The threat of a book filled with semen recipes promises no recipe from this bitch! However I am going to make Midkynt’s steaming hot potatoes this weekend! Serious yum factor!

Chicken Bleu
! bottle chilled white wine
1 pound, pound pound of chicken breasts
1/3 pound Sliced, lean, glistening prosciutto
1/3 pound of spicy, mouthwatering cappicola
1/3 pound of firm, rock hard provolone cheese
Hotsa Mozarella, bread crumbs, egg

Gently take the chicken breast into your hands, feeling the smooth, soft surface give under you fingertips. Admire the creamy pink flesh as you slide the breast onto your glistening countertop. Sigh, then reach for a solid, masculine, rock-hard, chiselled mallet and begin to prod the chicken. Slowly, at first, raise and lower the weight as you search for a relaxation…the spreading that indicates cooperation. Harder, now thrust the mallet towards the meat, spreading it ever thinner and thinner until you fear it might explode, shattering into a thousand points of chickeny brilliance.

Panting, take a moment to rest and recover. Pour a glass of wine and savor its heady sweetness as it rolls across your tongue.

Carefully let your fingers explore the prosciutto, peeling off one slice of the dark, pink aromatic food. Lay the prosciutto over the chicken breast, using slice after slice. You want the chicken embraced, blanketed completely. Now, allow the cappicola to stumble upon the unspecting pair before it joins the embrace. Finally, use the provolone as a linen, white sheet pulled up to cover the dewy freshness of the mingling meats.

Sip more wine, your pouting lips pausing on the edge of the glass.

Sprinkle bread crumbs, like tiny rose petals, over a bowl.  Tweaking the smooth white egg between your fingertips, bounce it against a counter top until you breach it’s resistance. Drop the egg into a bowl and use a fork to pierce the ripe mound. Stir, round and round until it falls into a dizzy, shapeless form.

Dim the lights and sip more wine.

Carefully, reach for the edge of the chicken. With trembling fingers, roll the chicken into a long, firm cylinder. Bolder, now, grasp the firm meat in your hand and plunge it into the creamy, slick egg. Slide your hands over the firm flesh and grab the chicken once more. Heaving it upwards, lower the length into the breadcrumbs. Allow them to cling, tightly forming a gauzy veil over the delectable dish.  Artfully arrange the coiled pieces in a baking vessel. Rain down mozzarella, like sweat dripping from a fevered bow. Yes, yes it is getting warmer as the oven heats to 350. Open wide the oven door and slide home the tender morsels where they will wait, steaming in ripe juiciness for 45 minutes.

I can’t cook for the life of me, but I can wish the SmartBitches blog a happy birthday!

Spicy, no one wants to really cook dinner pad thai
Feeds 2 hungry people

1 box rice noodles (thin or thick)
1 bottle Padang peanut sauce
I package chicken breasts or tenders ( a little less than a pound)
5-6 green onions
1 large lime or two small, quartered
2 eggs

Start a large pot of boiling water for the noodles
Heat a large pan (I use a 12” heavy skillet) with some olive oil in it, on medium
When hot, add chicken pieces and cook, turning once until lightly browned and cooked through
Remove chicken to cutting board and cut into bite size pieces
As soon as water boils, add noodles, stir and turn off heat.  Let site for 3 to 5 minutes or according to package directions.  Thick noodles take longer, thin noodles go quick!
Drain noodles and rinse in cool water.  Let sit on counter. 
Add diced green onions to hot pan, cook 1-2 minutes, then add eggs, stirring immediately so they break up
Add noodles, and toss with eggs and onions.  This is where having a big pan matters.  Starting pouring on the peanut sauce and add chicken. 
Keep stirring.  Add about 1/2 to 2/3 of the bottle, to taste. 
Serve with limes to squeeze over noodles. 
If you want it spicier, dice a small red chili pepper and add with onions.  Otherwise its medium spicy.

Puffy Pillows of Love Cheesecake (or Sopapilla Cheesecake)

2 (8 oz.) can crescent rolls
2 (8 oz.) packages cream cheese, softened (guaranteed to get hard later)
2 cups sugar, divided
2 tsp. vanilla, divided
1/2 cup melted butter
ground cinnamon to taste

Spray a 13 x 9 baking pan with Pam or any other female oil as lubrication. 
Open one can of crescent rolls and sensuously press the white mounds of she dough to the bottom of pan. Seal holes together to form a crust of pillowed cushion.
Blend together the cream(y) cheese, 1 cup sugar and 1 tsp vanilla with mixer until slick and fluffy.
Spread over dough but do not go all way. . . to the edges, unless you are wearing finger condoms .
Stretch second can of dough over cream cheese filling, seal together with other crust by pressing the edges together.
Melt butter in a saucepan and add sugar, stirring slowly with a swirling in and out stroke. When butter is melted, remove from heat and add vanilla.
Brush or pour all of the butter mix over top crust, then sprinkle generously with cinnamon.
Bake at 350 for about 25-30 minutes or until golden brown.
Let cool, then refrigerate before cutting into squares.

Happy Birthday, Bitches! May you have many O’s to come!

Screaming Orgasm

3/4 oz Kahlua 3/4 oz Irish Cream 3/4 oz Amaretto 3/4 oz Vodka ice

To shake, have hunky man bend you over the bar and bang well.

HAPPY HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

I joined November 27, 2005 12:25 PM
Although I had been reading awhile so I’m so proud to have watched you grow!

Basic Chicken Soup

Curvy Egg Noodles
Low sodium chicken bouillon
Boneless, succulent Chicken Breasts
Phallic Carrots
Celery Stalks

~*~*~*~*

Fill large pot with water and bouillon. Put pot on stove and add heat until water shows it’s excitement by bubbling and boiling.  Add Succulent breasts to the water.  Also add phallic carrots and crisp stalks of celery.  Simmer for 1.5 hours.

Cook curvy egg noodles separately. When they are ready, add the curvy noodles to the simmering water and breasts.

Enjoy

Solstice

Ingredients:

Gin.  Something aloof and arrogant like Hendrick’s or Junipero.  (Sinfully expensive crystal decanter to be thrown in a fit of pique optional.)

Lemonade.  Not that watered down, luke-warm stuff from Almack’s either.  (Recipe within a recipe: six lemons, squeezed; simple syrup, cold water.)

Green tea, freshly brewed.

Cucumber, one-inch sliced, peeled and cut into quarters.

Strawberries, two to three.  Remove head and cut into quarters.

Brooding Rake, one (optional)

Measurements:  to taste.

Instructions:

In a high ball glass, muddle cucumber and strawberry chunks.  Cover with crushed ice.  Mannerisms should be forceful and clipped as if barely holding onto your temper.  Fill glass to half with gin while verbally sparring with hero.

(“I have no intention of allowing you to plunder what has taken my family generations to grow!”

“Your choice is simply, my dear:  marry me or lose everything.”

“You greedy bastard!”  (It is appropriate to throw the decanter here.  You may want to toss your curls disdainfully.)

“Save your passion for our honeymoon.”

“You can’t mean—you repulse me!”

“In that case, you may want to stop falling into my arms and trembling with desire from my punishing kisses.  Gives the wrong impression.”  And so forth…)

Add lemonade and top with green tea.

Remove to a verandah or patio.  Recline on chaise and stare out at the sunset while you sip and contemplate the bleak turn your life has taken.  Be sure to blush hotly as you remember the details of last night and the way Brooding Rake made your body…

Popping on to say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to the coolest blog/website/bitches evah!!!!

No recipe from me - I wouldn’t want to chance a win of that book.  Still can’t get over it.  Ewwwwwwwwwww.

Verification word: “without68” LOL!  Good thing that didn’t say “without69” - Whatever would I do without some 69?! *snerk*

Luscious Nutty Goodness

This deliciously sweet and salty creation starts with melting nirvana.

Ingredients:
1 12oz bag of semi-sweet Nestles morsels
2 12oz bags of white chocolate Nestles morsels
1 15/16oz can of salted peanuts

You will also need a spoon of awesome, a spatula, a microwavable bowl, and at least two cookie sheets/trays/pans.

Directions:
1. Melt the morsels into a creamy smooth mixture by microwaving in bursts of 40 seconds. Stir between each firing.
2. When the chocolate mass is thoroughly melted like a heroine from a hero’s kiss, pour in the entire can of peanuts and stir until chocolate coats everything.
3. Taking spoon and spatula scoop out bite-size pieces onto your cookie trays. Do this until you have run out of peanuts.
4. Save the leftover salted chocolate for some mouthwatering indulgence while you wait for the candy to finish.
5. Place trays of candy into your refrigerator to harden like a hero’s quivering manhood over the next twenty or so minutes.
6. Go back to number four and lick the bowl clean.
7. When the twenty minutes are up pull out the trays and pop the candy off and place into tupperware containers. Best left in fridge when not eating, but can be left out.

For variations change the types of morsels or add raisins.

Clean up is easy, less than five minutes, not counting how long it takes to lick the bowl clean.

Happy Anniversary to two smart ass bitches!

Flying Jacob

1 roasted or grilled chicken (or 1 chicken that you fry after cutting it)
1 package bacon
2 bananas
1-2 dl chili sauce (up to you how hot you wanna make it)
2,5 dl cream
2 tablespoons ketchup
peanuts

All this makes a creamy and spicy casserole type dish.

Cut the chicken into bite sized pieces. Fry the bacon crispy, drain it and when cool, crumble it. Peel and slices the bananas. Place the chicken, bacon and bananas in an oven proof dish. Mix the cream, ketchup (for the sweetness) and the chili sauce (for the spice) and pour it over the chicken. Sprinkle with two handfuls of peanuts. Bake in 175 degrees Celsius for about 30 minutes.

If you don’t like bananas, use pineapple instead.

Cook some rice and make a salad to go with the casserole.

Bachelor Chili

1 pound of ground meat of choice (turkey, beef, venison, pork, chicken)
1 can dark red kidney beans
1 can light red kidney beans
1 large can diced tomatoes
1 jar of salsa (if you want hot chili, get hotter salsa, if you want milder chili, get mild salsa)

Talk the man of your dreams (Sean Connery, he’s one hot old man!) to come in and cook this dish for you since it is Bachelor Chili.  Have him strip down and put on a cute little apron (we don’t want vital parts hurt in this process!).

Have Sean (or man of your choice) brown the ground meat, in a large soup pot, until cooked.  Drain any residual fat and place back on the stove.  Have him open all of the cans and the jar.  Each of the next 4 ingredients should be thrown in randomly while you are making out with your hot man!  Have him stir, take you upstairs and make while passionate love.  By the time you are done (or if your man is like Sean, who forgot the Viagra, you can eat once you stir!) the chili is done too! 

Enjoy!

training66 - that’s good!  cause we have to train the men to cook the chili!

Chocolate dipped Strawberries of Love

Ingredients:
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup milk chocolate chips (you can substitute all semi-sweet or all milk chocolate according to your own tastes)
1 tbsp. shortening (do not use butter, margarine, or oil)
2 pints fresh strawberries, rinsed and patted dry

Directions:
Spread fresh waxed paper over tray as though preparing your bed with fresh linens for your lover. Carefully place your deliciously decadent chocolate chips and the shortening in a medium microwave safe bowl. Melt at high for 1 minute. Gently stir as though testing the creaminess of a honey pot; if necessary, heat an additional 30 seconds or until chocolate is creamy and becomes smooth when vigorously agitated. Be ever so careful not to over-heat. One by one, dip each luscious, juicy strawberry into the chocolate until the bottom two-thirds is coated, much like a lover dipping his wick into his woman’s molten passage.  Shake gently to remove excess chocolate. Place on prepared tray.

Cover and refrigerate approximately 1 hour, or until coating is as firm as you lover’s rampant manroot.

For best results, share with someone you love within 24 hours.

Congratulations to you on your 4th anniversay!  What a wonderful, informative fun place you have created here.  Here is to many more years of smart bitchery to come!

Congratulations, Sarah and Candy! I thought SBTB had been around forever when I stumbled in here a few years ago, having no idea what was doing in the romance world. But look, thanks to the SBs, I’m smarter, I’m better informed and, gosh darn it, I read romance novels. Thanks for the awesomeness!

Just a simple recipe and I’m not even going to try to compete with the truly sensuous ones above. With an absolute minimum of ingredients and effort, this appetizer is always a huge hit.

Olive You (olive spread)
1 small can chopped black olives
1 jar green olives
1 half jar roasted red peppers

Chop green olives and roasted red peppers in a food processor. Combine with black olives in a serving bowl. Serve with crackers, bread, whatever. The spread lasts nearly forever so refrigerate any left over and enjoy.

I’d enter but with my luck I’d win that cookbook. 

Happy Anniversary!!

Congratulations on four years of fabulous ‘blogging!

Alas, I have no recipe. Only many many good wishes for the future and many many thanks for starting and continuing with this venture.

*hug* :)

Ridiculously Easy Potatoes

This one’s a real no-brainer!

Ingredients:
Potatoes
Whatever the hell you feel like
Butter
Salt

Get a sheet of aluminum foil bout a foot long.  Fold in half.

Wash and slice the potatoes as thin as you can (or feel like).  Less that a centimeter goes best.

Pile the sliced potatoes onto one side of the folded foil.  Add hunks of butter and a god shake or three of salt.  This is all you really need for awesomeness, but don’t be afraid to add in some extra goodness, like a bit of cooking sherry or garlic pieces or maybe even bacon.  Really, go nuts.  It’s your food.

After adding all ye desire, fold the foil over and tuck the edges in to make a little pouch.  throw them on a baking sheet (gently, now, you’re gonna wanna eat that later!) and put them in the oven at 375 for about forty minutes. 

When removing, remember, these will be extremely hot and maybe a little melty if the butter has managed to leak.  They will also be super awesome, and depending on how thin you sliced them, maybe even a little crispy. 

Enjoy!

Ridiculously Easy Potatoes

This one’s a real no-brainer!

Ingredients:
Potatoes
Whatever the hell you feel like
Butter
Salt

Get a sheet of aluminum foil bout a foot long.  Fold in half.

Wash and slice the potatoes as thin as you can (or feel like).  Less that a centimeter goes best.

Pile the sliced potatoes onto one side of the folded foil.  Add hunks of butter and a god shake or three of salt.  This is all you really need for awesomeness, but don’t be afraid to add in some extra goodness, like a bit of cooking sherry or garlic pieces or maybe even bacon.  Really, go nuts.  It’s your food.

After adding all ye desire, fold the foil over and tuck the edges in to make a little pouch.  throw them on a baking sheet (gently, now, you’re gonna wanna eat that later!) and put them in the oven at 375 for about forty minutes. 

When removing, remember, these will be extremely hot and maybe a little melty if the butter has managed to leak.  They will also be super awesome, and depending on how thin you sliced them, maybe even a little crispy. 

Enjoy!

......so nice, it posted twice.

Oops.

Happy anniversary, SBs! And in honour of your anniversary, I bring you this:

The Hot-headed Impetuous Sauce of Tomato and The Quivering Eggs of His Desire

1 can (14 ounces) thick, succulent tomato puree
1 tablespoon slick, wet olive oil
1 large turgid clove of garlic, worked by hand until it explodes into a fine mince
Liberal shower of red pepper flake, crushed in the throes of passion
Coarse salt and pepper, freshly ground on rock-hard abs
Pinch of the mysterious herb of lusty Italians and Greek tycoons, oregano
Splash of rich red wine, dark and deep as a virgin’s blood at her deflowering
4 large eggs, pale and flawless orbs like the breasts of of one’s mistresses
4 slices bread, toasted like the sun-browned skin of a salty pirate wench
Freshly grated Parmesan cheese, to cling to the eggs like the filmy gossamer strands of a negligee

In a small cozy skillet, bring the slick and fragrant olive oil to heated desire by slow burning flames. Add the passionately spent clove of garlic and shower of red pepper flake to the pan, stirring them with a dexterous hand until fragrant and lightly coloured by yearning, about 1 minute. Gently tip can of tomato sauce until contents spill out like seed upon the skillet. Stir lightly until contents of pan heated to bubbling moans of wanton need. To heighten the anticipation, add the splash of red wine, stirring the skillet constantly until contents heated to gentle needy simmer. Season the luscious brew to taste with the salt, pepper, and oregano, and leave the sauce heated and unsatisfied for 20 minutes.

Caress the eggs gently before thrusting against the rock hard surface of the kitchen counter, breaching their pure orbs with the force of your need and spread them (yolks still intact) onto the bed of bubbling tomato sauce. Leave the quivering eggs to intertwine with the tomato sauce until desired level of hardness is achieved.

Spread wide on serving platters the slices of bread, toasted like the sun-bronzed shoulders of lusty pirate wenches. Rest gently onto each slice the quivering mound of an egg yolk and top with a thick salty spoonful of the spent tomato sauce. Dress each serving with the tattered remains of a grated Parmesan cheese nightgown ripped in the throes of passion and present to gentlemen (or ladies) of certain voracious appetites.

Happy Anniversary!

To celebrate, creamy stovetop mac and cheese, adapted from Alton Brown’s version.

Jen C’s Creamy Stovetop Mac and Cheese That Will Totally Make Your Mouth Water

Boil some water.  Do not watch it boil, but rather, squirm in anticipation just knowing that the water is boiling, and that soon, your mouth will be full of hot and sexy goodness.  While doing so, beat two eggs, half a can of evaporated milk, a dash of mustard powder, and just enough hot, hot sauce to get your blood flowing. 

Once the water is boiling, throw in a box of rotini noodles.  Boil till firm, oh so firm, and drain.  Stir in half a stick of sinfully rich butter, and mix in your special sauce with an 8 oz bag of Sharp Cheddar over low heat for about as long as you can stand the wait, which is about three minutes.  Finish off with salt and pepper.  If you are feeling feisty, add some onion, broccoli, cauliflower, freshly grated Parmesan cheese, or anything else that strikes your fancy. 

Dish up and enjoy, lustily.  Put your mouth around that firm mac and cheese and experience a feeling previously unknown- bliss.

My batterie de cuisine is stuffed to the gills, so I’ll cede the field to others, but I did want to wish the Smart Bitches a very happy anniversary!  I don’t know what I’d do without you and your hoydenish website.

On the theory that there’s nothing more diabolically addictive than chocolatey goodness….

Blissfully Luscious Romance-Lover’s Over-the-Top Chocolate-Squared Cookies

2-1/2 cups classically versatile (aka all purpose) flour
1 tsp. utterly pure baking soda
1/2 tsp. blindingly white table salt

2/3 cup fresh-from-the-dairy unsalted butter, softened to a delicate texture
1 cup absolutely uniformly granulated snow-white sugar
1/2 cup burnished bronze (aka brown) sugar, packed like your hero’s abs
1 tsp. officially authenticated vanilla extract

2 large, perfectly laid eggs

1 12-ounce package piquantly accented (aka semi-sweet) chocolate chips
1 10-12 ounce package of seasonally appropriate milk chocolate M&Ms;*

Oven: A blazing 350 degrees   Makes:/b> about 6 dozen fiendishly tempting cookies

Using the fires of romantic passion (or a conveniently available microwave oven), transform the chocolate chips from tiny bursts of solid flavor to a state of rich liquid goodness, stir until wonderfully smooth, and set them aside.

Using the precision and care of a square-jawed yet supremely gifted surgeon, measure and combine the virginal white ingredients (that is, the flour, the baking soda, and the salt) in a suitably compact bowl.  Set those patiently aside as well.

Using the energy of a feisty heroine hell-bent on achieving her ultimate goal (or, if necessary, the raw unbridled power of an electric mixer), combine the butter, the snow-white and bronze sugars, and the officially authenticated vanilla extract (none of this fly-by-night “imitation” nonsense) in a distinctly larger bowl.  Subject these ingredients to violent nonstop assault until they have lost all cohesion and joined in an unholy union of homogenous consistency (i.e. beat until smooth).  To this mass of buttery and highly sweetened goodness, add the rich liquid chocolate goodness and the eggs.  Resume your violent assault, further raining a severe beating on the newly combined ingredients, until these too have joined their fellows in glorious cookie-dough unity.  With the calculating patience of a lover delaying her partner’s gratification (that is, gradually), blend in the virginal white ingredients until complete unity is finally achieved.  Note that this last step may overtax the powers of a mere hand mixer, requiring the timely intervention of an old-fashioned but sturdy wooden spoon.

Finally (and by hand, to avoid chopping them into painfully sharp shards of oblivion), expertly fold in the seasonally appropriate M&Ms;until they totally permeate the dough with their colorful candy-coated goodness.

Stand back for a moment to strengthen your resolve, then pick up your handy chef-approved cookie teaspoon, suspend individual spoonfuls of the by-now-utterly-subservient dough (well, after all those beatings, it should be!) over cookie sheets uncorrupted by any hint of unnecessary lubrication,** and drop them into position.  Subject the globs of brutally raw dough to 8-9 minutes in the fires of your preheated furnace of love (the oven, of course; what did you think I meant?).  Once removed from the fiery furnace, wait an excruciating 2-3 minutes before transferring each batch of hot fresh-baked lusciousness to a wire rack to cool.

*This recipe can be profitably varied depending on the time of year.  Right now, red-and-pink Valentine M&Ms;are appropriate, but at Halloween, you’ll want the orange-and black Halloween version, and at Christmas, look for packages of mint-chocolate M&Ms;for an extra touch of wintry wonder.

**Yes, well, you did ask for purple.

Also, happy anniversary!  Despite being a very recent arrival in these parts, I’ve been enjoying the reviews and appreciating the sensible genre-wisdom, and hope to be following this space for a long time to come.

[pause]

All right, I can’t believe I just typed that….

How convenient that the recipe for rebyj’s Screaming Orgasm will give us the ingredients for the cookbook prize!

Happy Anniversary, SB!

Congratulations on your anniversary!

Bhloody Mharys

1 46 ounce can of tomato juice, temptingly red as the blood of one’s lifemate
2 cups of exorbitantly expensive and trendy NAME BRAND vodka
2 tablespoons lemon juice, as fragrant as the aroma of a mate that can be scented across a crowded room of Minions
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce, as dark as eyes taken over by the demon, beast, and/or hunger
1 teaspoon prepared horseradish, with the kick of a feisty, independent, and quirkily beautiful woman who’s sexuality has been repressed while waiting for her soulmate
1/2 teaspoon of salt (there really is nothing sexy about salt)
Dashes of Tabasco to taste, spicy like that first hit of virgin blood to the back of the throat

In a large pitcher combine all ingredients.  Cover; refrigerate several hours or overnight.  Pour into salt-rimmed glasses.  Serve each with a celery-stick stirrer, if desired.  Makes 16 (4-oz) servings to share with the Brother, Carpathian, Breed, Lord, or Forebearer of your choice.

Dark Chocolate and Peppermint Whipped Cream Tart

-1 1/4 cups all purpose flour
-1/3 cup powdered sugar
-1/4 teaspoon baking powder
-1/4 teaspoon salt
-10 tablespoons (1 1/4 sticks) chilled unsalted butter, diced
-1 teaspoon vanilla extract
-4 1/2 teaspoons cold whole milk  
-1 1/4 cups whipping cream
-1/4 cup light corn syrup
-12 ounces bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, chopped
-1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, chopped

-3 1/2 cups chilled whipping cream
-3/4 cup powdered sugar
-1 3/4 teaspoons peppermint extract

Gently as a lovers first caress, sift the powered sugar, flour, salt and power into a food processor, then add the supple butter and fragrant vanilla. Process until it forms clumps, add the wet, white milk, blending until sweet, moist clumps forms. Pinch off a piece and place it on your tongue, savoring the flavor, before kneading the dough into a ball then pressing firmly flatten into a disk, encasing it in plastic, and chilling for an hour.

On a cool marble slab, roll out the dough between sheets for crisp, floured parchment paper to a 12-inch round. Press the dough onto the bottom and up sides of a 10-inch tart pan with removable bottom. Contemplate the word “bottom.” Fold dough edges over and press to form thick sides. Using thumb, press dough around sides to extend crust 1/8 inch above edge of pan. Freeze 20 minutes. Contemplate other thick items and the erotic uses of ice. Shake self, and proceed to next step.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Bake crust until brown, piercing bubbles with fork, about 30 minutes. Transfer to rack; cool.

Bring thick, white cream and sweet, clear corn syrup to simmer in a medium sauce pan. Remove from heat and add chocolate, whisking with clear, firm strokes and strong wrist action, until sooth as your lover’s fresh shaved face. Cool 30 minutes, then pour into crust and chilling until firm. Take those three hours to make mad, passionate love using any leftover chocolate.

Whip cream with powered sugar and peppermint before mounding onto center of tart, forming stiff peaks.

Recipe originally from Bon Appetite magazine, prose by Marguerite.

Sin from My Lips Hot Artichoke Dip

2 cans (or jars) marinated artichoke hearts, drained
1 cup Parmesan Cheese, shredded in food processor
1 cup Fontina Cheese, shredded in food processor
8 oz. (1 pkg.) Cream cheese, softened (room temperature)
1 tablespoon minced garlic (fresh or from a jar)
? cup mayonnaise
2-3 green onions, sliced
Your favorite hot sauce

Preheat oven to 375?F.

In a large bowl, take the drained artichoke hearts and break them apart with your fingers.  Add the softened cream cheese, mayonnaise, and garlic.  Mix together.  Add shredded cheese, a bit at a time, and mix until well blended.  Add a liberal dash of hot sauce.

Empty into a ceramic serving dish, cover with lid or foil and bake until bubbly (30-45 minutes).  Allow to cool for a few minutes, then garnish with sliced green onions.  Instruct your cabana boy to serve with crackers or crostini.

CRÈME BRULEE

As easy as his crimson-finger nailed, power-suit-wearing ex, but oh, so much more rewarding…

Gently stoke the flames of your oven’s desire, ‘til it reaches 300F.  In a large, heavy, well-rounded saucepan,  warm 2 ½ cups heavy cream, white and silky smooth as a Regency damsel’s heaving bosom, to which has been added rare and exotic essence of vanilla from the farthest reaches of Madagascar.  Firmly discipline eight fresh egg yolks with a wire whisk in a large bowl ‘til frothy and obedient to your every whim.  Slowly, gradually add cream and blend well.  Add ½ cup sugar, sweet as a virgin’s kisses, and just a pinch of salt, tangy as the sweat you long to lick from his most secret places.  Caress with smooth, even strokes of your rigid, rounded kitchen implement until sugar has dissolved into sweet liquidity.  Ejaculate mixture evenly into individual ovenproof ramekins and place them in a baking pan, shallow as a rake’s latest conquest.  Add water to come halfway up the sides, gently tease open your oven’s heated cavern, and thrust inside.  Bake 45 minutes, or until unsheathed knife blade slid into mixture’s creamy center emerges slick, shiny, and perfectly clean.  Allow to cool, not unlike hero’s former ardor for a certain lady of the demi-mondaine.  Refrigerate several hours.  When your wants and needs have reached fever pitch and you and your beloved are ready—ready! to throw caution to the winds and consummate your desire by devouring every last bit, top the custards with two teaspoons each of Demarara sugar from the exotic plantations of the West Indies, stoke your blowtorch to white-hot fervor, and quickly, efficiently caramelize to a rich, glowing brown.  Devour immediately, with whipped cream and fresh fruits, if desired.

“Is it hot in here or is it just me”
Roasted Winter Squash with Smooth, Buttery Chocolate-Chipotle Mole

1 large winter squash or very small pumpkin. Choose a “meaty” squash or pumpkin, the firmer the better, so it doesn’t go limp and remains full of sweet, lusty flavor (acorn and similar squash tend to peter out and go to mush.)

Peel, clean and cut your winter squash into halves or quarters (if big) and roast at 375 degrees until done. Once squash is cooked through and tender (but not limp) cut into bite-sized chunks or slices and set back into oven to keep warm while you make the sauce.

Sauce:
1 15-oz can of saucy tomatoes (well, tomato sauce, anyway)
2-3 cloves of garlic (to ward off accidental blood loss)
1-2 Tbsp of sweat-inducing chipotle peppers in adobo sauce, depending on your tolerance for tongue-tingling excitement
1-2 Tbsp of honey, to taste (oh, yes, please do taste…)
1/2 cup shredded bittersweet baking chocolate (oh so dark and luscious)
1 Tbs butter (a little lube goes a long way)

In a large skillet, heat tomato sauce until it’s bubbling with delight, then add garlic and chipotle peppers. Simmer for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add honey in a slow, lazy drizzle, getting it everywhere as you stir. Simmer uncovered, stirring occasionally, until the mixture is thick and pulls away from the bottom of the pan when stirred, about 15 minutes. Add that heaping pile of bittersweet chocolaty love and stir well until thoroughly melted and incorporated. Finish off with the butter and stir well. Test for spiciness and flavor, tweaking seasonings as desired until you just can’t stand it anymore.

Plate out the roasted squash and enrobe with your silky, buttery love-sauce until the plate is brimming with spicy-hot-and-sweet passion. Pour out a hearty red wine to complement your dish, lock the door, take the phone off the hook and shut down the email. You really won’t want to be disturbed.

Edited to add: Cook the sauce on med-high heat, so it doesn’t burn. It may come together quicker, depending on your choice of tomato sauce base.

Scandinavian Chip Dip

1 lb. hamburger
1 8 oz. block Mexican Velveeta “cheese”
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 jar extra mild salsa or picante sauce (Hey, I said it was Scandinavian!  Go hotter if desired.)

Fry hamburger until well browned.  Slice mouthful-sized chunks of spicy, creamy Velveeta into the pan.  Stir lovingly until melted with desire.  Add cream of chicken soup and salsa/picante.  Stir the juicy pot until steamy and lubricious. 

Can be served wham bam, or put in a crock pot for long, slow, languorous enjoyment.  Serve with chips of your choice.

Dreamy Southern Sweet Tea

I’m not much of one for purple prose, so…

Take 8 tea bags of orange pekoe-grade tea, inhaling the fragrance redolent of such. Put into a container with 36 oz. of water.  Put it in the microwave, nuke it for five minutes. Leave it in there to let it steep for another 20 or 40. Then take a 1-gallon . Pour two cups of granulated sugar into it. Heap them if you think your waistline can take it. Pour the hot tea onto the sugar until you have emptied all 36 oz. of water onto the tea. Take a long spoon, and put the gallon pitcher under the sink. Turn on cold water, and stir while the pitcher fills up. Drink a couple of glasses—about half the pitcher. Then put it into the refrigerator overnight. By morning, it should be so cold you don’t need ice in it, and so sweet and strong that it could make a corpse stand up.

Authentic Southern Spicy Biscuits

4 cups White Lily Self-Rising Flour
2 Heaped tablespoons of Crisco Butter Shortening
An indeterminate amount of Milk or Buttermilk.
Cinnamon and Sugar

Preheat oven to 350-375 F.

Put the flour in the bowl. Drop the two tablespoons of Crisco in. Pour in milk or butter milk a bit at a time, stirring it in each time, until you get a dough. Sprinkle on the cinnamon and sugar. Knead it in evenly. Add in a bit more flour and knead it in to stiffen up the dough. Break it into a one, one-and-a-half, or two dozen pieces. Put onto a creased cook sheet. Bake until they’re golden-brown on top. They’ll expand, and you may have to cut them apart as they grow together. They’ll be pretty moist and dense, but they’re good even when they’re cold, and work great for making breakfast sandwiches out of things like jelly or breakfast meat.

Lifesaver Chicken

2 whole chickens, 3-4# each
1 Tab paprika
2 tsp chili powder
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp salt
1 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1 Tab packed brown sugar
2 12-oz cans beer
1 small onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, diced

Trim chickens of excess fat, rinse inside and out, pat dry. 

Combine spices and brown sugar, mix well.  Rub a teaspoon of the mixture on the inside of each chicken.  Rub remaining mixture over the surface of the chickens. 

Open beers and drink half of each.  Stuff the onion and garlic into the cans, along with any remaining spice mixture.  Ease chickens over the cans, feet down, until they are resting on the cans and their legs.  The cans must remain upright at all times.
(OPTIONAL STEP:  Shout “Hey Chicken, this beer’s in ur ass, savin’ ur life!”)

Place over ashed hot charcoal, close lid with vents open.  Grill for 1-1/2 to 2 hours, adding more charcoal as needed.  Done when legs and wings wiggle easily.

This family favorite, formerly known as “Beer Butt Chicken,” was renamed last year in homage to this very web site.  Now even my mother calls it Lifesaver Chicken, and she has NO IDEA why.

I’m thinking of renaming it Saddleback Chicken, though….

Happy anniversary, and thanks for another year of snark, sharing, insights and general awesomeness!

Other Pratchett fans might recognize this; I feel it’d be appreciated here:

Nanny Ogg’s Strawberry Wobblers
(copied from Nanny Ogg’s Cookbook, so the amounts are in the british style, and the editor’s note was part of the recipe; ©Terry Pratchett)

2 sachets unflavored gelatine (or veggie equivalent)
300 ml boiling water
250g strawberries
150ml extra-thick double cream
2 tablespoons caster sugar
strawberry ice cream, for serving
4 large champagne flutes

(Editor’s Note: we’ve settled for champaign flutes because the containers apparently preferred by Mrs. Ogg are ... well, unavailable.  Well, you don’t see them in the shops.  Well, no the shops on High Street, certainly ... Not our High Street, anyway.)

Dissolve the gelatine in the water following the instructions on the packet and leave to cool for 10-15 minutes.  Meanwhile, rinse and top the strawberries, chop in half and place in large bowl/blender.  Add most of the cream - keep a little aside for decoration - and the sugar.  If using a blender, whizz it all to milkshake consistency.  Otherwise, use a potato masher and mash until smooth.

When the gelatine has cooled, mix thoroughly with the strawberry mixture and pour into the champagne flutes.  Chill for two hours (or until set).  Gently ease wobblers out of glasses (using palette knife or similar) onto plate, and serve upended with a couple of scoops of ice cream, placed according to preference, and a drizzle of cream.

Creamy, custardy cherry Clafoutis
(adapted from The Minimalist)

1 jar morello cherries, drained (Trader Joe’s has them)
3 large eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
3/4 cup heavy cream (hu-huh, I said cream)
3/4 cup whole milk
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup toasted sliced almonds (optional, you know, if you need some nuts)

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lube, I mean, butter and flour a 9-inch pie pan, and tap that a**, um, tap out the excess flour.
  2. Whisk the eggs in a large bowl until nice and frothy. Add the sugar and whisk. Add the cream, milk and vanilla. Add the flour and whisk until combined.
  3. Throw the cherries in the pie pan and pour the batter over it. (If using, sprinkle those nuts on.)
  4. Bake for 40 minutes, or until nice and puffy.  It’ll be thick, creamy and custardy inside, just like you like it.  Oh yeah.

I think there definitely has to be a Smart Bitches Cookbook some time in the near future.  I want to try most of these!

spamword:  love28:  I love all 28+ recipes posted so far.  (And don’t tell me the spamword generator isn’t listening in with its little sentient virtual brain and doesn’t have a sense of humor…)

@ Vinca:  I thought of the Strawberry Wobblers, too!  But I couldn’t find my Nanny Ogg’ss Cookbook—one of my Pratchett-loving daughters must have borrowed it.

GMTA!

Is anyone else getting hungry?

How I wish I had brain cells left to make this as clever as earlier entries…but this week has been killer!

Baked Macaroni & Cheese (quivery & creamy!)

8oz pasta (elbow macaroni, rotini, etc.)
2 tablespoons butter or margarine
1 tablespoon flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon dry mustard
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 1/2 cups milk
1/2 pound Cheddar cheese, shredded

Prepare pasta as label directs. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease (tee hee) 2-quart casserole dish.

In saucepan over medium heat melt butter/margarine. Stir in flour, salt, mustard and pepper until blended; cook 1 minute. Gradually stir in milk; cook until mixture thickens slightly and is smooth, stirring constantly. Stir in cheese until melted.

Place drained pasta in casserole dish;  pour cheese sauce over the top.

Bake 20 minutes or until bubbly and heated through.

You can *spice* it up by throwing in some cooked, chopped andouille before heating it in the oven.

Lemon Cream Scones (Just because your scones are tart doesn’t mean you are)  guaranteed to impress all gentlemen callers invited to tea
2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp grated lemon zest
6 Tbs butter room temp
1 tsp fresh lemon juice (you can always ask gentleman caller if he would like to squeeze your lemons if you wish to be provocative)
1 1/4 cups plus 2 Tbs whipping cream (if you didn’t get a rise with earlier request you may try again by asking different gentleman caller if he would like to whip your cream)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Lightly grease a baking sheets (again you may ask for assistance greasing the sheets).
Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, soda and zest in a medium bowl.  Using pastry blender cut in butter until mixture is crumbly.  Add lemon juice and 1 1/4 cups cream stirring untl dry ingredents are moistened.  (You may always ask for his opinion on whether your cream is moist enough)
On lightly floured surface, roll dough to 3/4 inch thickness and cut with 2 1/2 inch round cutters.  Arrange on baking sheet and brush tops with remaining 2 Tbs cream.
Bake 17-19 minutes or until lightly browned.

(These really are good)

This one was in my epicurious file.  It’s mostly about melting stuff instead of cooking. My purple prose is lame, but the pie is great.
Rocky Road [to lurve] Sundae Pie
For crust
•  1 9-ounce package oreos broken into pieces. [To symbolize your hero’s tortured childhood.]
•  6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) unsalted butter, melted

For milk chocolate fudge sauce [Double this. It’s good on more than just pie!]
•  2/3 cup whipping cream
•  8 ounces imported milk chocolate (such as Lindt), chopped
•  1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

For marshmallow sauce [You can cheat and use a jar of marshmallow cream. Just make sure the overbearing MIL or evil ex doesn’t catch you.]
•  4 cups miniature marshmallows (about 7 1/2 ounces)
•  1/3 cup whipping cream
•  1 teaspoon vanilla extract

•  2 quarts chocolate ice cream, slightly softened [ for a cool interacial romance use half vanilla or coffee.]
•  1 cup walnuts, toasted, coarsely chopped (about 3 3/4 ounces)

Preparation
Make crust:
Preheat oven to 325°F. Butter 9-inch-diameter springform pan with 2 3/4-inch-high sides. Finely grind chocolate wafer cookies in processor. Add melted butter and process until crumbs are evenly moistened. Press crumb mixture firmly onto bottom and 1 inch up sides of prepared pan. Bake crust until set, about 10 minutes. Cool completely.
Make milk chocolate fudge sauce:
Bring cream just to simmer in medium saucepan over medium heat. Remove from heat. Add milk chocolate; let stand 1 minute. Whisk until chocolate is melted and smooth. Whisk in vanilla. Let stand at room temperature until sauce cools and thickens slightly, about 20 minutes.
Make marshmallow sauce:
Combine marshmallows and cream in large metal bowl. Set bowl over saucepan of barely simmering water (do not allow bottom of bowl to touch water). Stir until marshmallows melt and mixture is smooth, about 3 minutes. Remove bowl from over water; stir in vanilla. Let stand until slightly cooled but still pourable, about 10 minutes.
Spread 1 quart ice cream evenly in cooled crust. Drop half of milk chocolate sauce by tablespoonfuls over ice cream, spacing apart. Sprinkle half of walnuts over sauce. Drizzle half of marshmallow sauce over walnuts. Freeze until sauces are set, about 10 minutes.
Spread 1 quart ice cream evenly in crust. Drop remaining milk chocolate sauce by tablespoonfuls over ice cream. Drizzle remaining marshmallow sauce over, allowing some chocolate sauce to show through. Sprinkle with remaining walnuts. Freeze until pie is firm, about 4 hours. (Can be made 5 days ahead. Cover tightly with foil. Keep frozen.)
Cut around pan sides to loosen. Let pie soften slightly at room temperature, about 10 minutes. Remove pan sides.

You all are too funny. I’m much too tired to try to compete with the purple prose hilarity, but I’m going to throw my favorite cookie recipe into the ring anyway.

Sinfully delicious cream cheese cookies (mmmm, creamy)
Ingredients:
1 box of vanilla cake mix
1 8-oz package of cream cheese (not the low-fat kind—we’re working on our curves, ladies)
1 egg
1 tbs vanilla extract
1 stick margarine (or butter)

Mash cream cheese, egg, vanilla extract and margarine together in a large bowl using the implement of your choice—mixer, spatula, time traveling lover’s broadsword, whatevs. (This works best if the cream cheese and margarine have been sitting at room temperature for awhile.)

Add the cake mix to your mixture 1/3 at a time until everything is blended together. Now eat a bunch of dough, because it’s delicious. Put whatever’s left into the fridge and chill for 20-30 minutes. Preheat oven to 350 in the meantime.

Once your dough is chilled and the oven is hot (oooh, HOT), you can drop spoonfuls of the dough onto a greased cookie sheet. Cover with sprinkles if desired and bake for 12-15 minutes, depending on the size of your…um, cookies. When they’re ready they’ll be golden yellow and the bottoms will be just starting to brown.

Dang it! I had this recipe of the throw-together steak and pasta meal I made last night mostly written out, I was on the roughly pounding the meat step and was planning something about slipping your meat into the sizzling heat of the oh so ready skillet. There was talk of dripping juices, hot creamy sauces, and nibbling on firm fleshy past, but my browser crashed on me and I can’t recreate the whole thing, so I’m just S.O.L.

I really liked that peppermint pot too ... boo Firefox!

Happy 4th!  It feels like I’ve been visiting you guys forever. Sanomalass had me crying with her Lifesaver chicken. I hope no one tips off her mom. ;-)

Hot, hot dogs

Needed:

A: One moist, yet firm bun
B: One sizzling hot, thick, long sausage
C: Sauce that will burn your tongue
Hold B lovingly between your fingers and gently thrust into A. Top it off with a squirt of hot C. (Kraut optional)

Enjoy.

And Happy Anniversary, SB!

Insanely Garlicky Linguine with Clam Sauce of Luuurve

1 entire, firm, bulbous head of garlic (peeled and minced)
1/4 cup good quality smooth, slick olive oil
1 large or 4 small cans (heh) of shelled baby clams (heheh) in nectar
1 teaspoon of sexy, zesty crushed red peppers
Linguine (or some other slippery, long and firm, yet supple pasta)

Put your pasta water on to boil.  Open your can(s) of clams and keep them handy (keep the lids).

In a large frying pan, maximize your heat.  When the oil is hot, add the garlic and red peppers.  Watch closely so it doesn’t burn.

Stir frequently with a wooden spatula, moving the wood through the slick garlic, sometimes slowly, sometimes faster, cooking until the garlic is golden and nutty, but not burnt and bitter.

When you’ve reached that magic point, when the garlic is just on the cusp, quickly flood the pan with the nectar of luuurve, leaving the clams aside until later.

Bring to a boil, and keep stirring to prevent sticking and burning.  The sauce should remain slick and wet, eventually reducing to a thick, sticky fluid.  The wood, dragged through the pan, should leave a distinct trail.  Reduce the heat, and stir in the clams, which will warm through by the time you serve.

In the meantime, your pasta water should have come to a boil.  Cook your pasta to your preferred texture, drain, and dump it into the sauce.  Mix together exuberantly and lustfully, panting with ecstasy.  Consume with gusto.

Um, I should probably say I got that recipe (sort of) from What to Cook When You Think There’s Nothing in the House to Eat by Arthur Schwartz.

Easy Chocolate Orgasm Cake
It is considered bad form to cuddle the pan before all of the cake is eaten…

Gently circle the round nubbin protruding impudently from the rack of your stove, teasing until the empty grotto warms to 350.

In a heady burst of anticipation and bottled up passion, collect:
Large box of chocolate pudding
Appropriate amount of creamy, white milk as demanded by puddin’ box
Bag of whatever chocolate treats catch your fancy (chocolate chips, hershey’s kisses, chocolate starfish)
Box of chocolate cake mix (devil’s food is particularly sensuous)

Delicately slide your finger into the lip of the pudding box, and stroke until it opens before you like a beautiful, beautiful flower.  Ease out the protective sheathing filled with the silky powder, and release the sweet essence into a bowl.  Next, grab hold of the firm, erect handle of a creamy, moist container of milk and gently ease the silky white goodness into a measuring cup.  Tip the cup into the eagerly waiting receiving chamber and gush forth in a great discharge of sweetness, quenching the needy silkiness.
Take up the sultry rod of your whisk and begin gently to stroke the quivering mass, teasing it gently as you increase speed and pressure until you are whipping the frothy passion into a peaking frenzy.
Slide a questioning finger under the shoulder of the chocolate cake’s demure raiment, burning a trail teasingly all the way across.  Lift the mix out of its confining garment, pausing to admire its semi transparent virginal white lingerie, before gently pulling the top apart and spilling the bountiful goodness into the slick love grotto with the frothy passion.  Using the swollen head of your firm manly spoon, caress the center of the soft mound of love before you, stroking up and down, back and forth, in and out, keeping your gaze where the two of you meet, watching the bearded leisure center become smooth and glossy with passion.
Rip the cheap, tawdry veil from your bevy of scantily clad chocolate treats, gazing rapaciously upon their bountiful charms.  If necessary, strip them of their false modesty, begging them to show you their sleek skin. 
Sheathing the spoon-headed sword into the greedy scabbard once more, plunge half the tiny firm darkly pigmented rounded buttons into the eagerly waiting open-mouthed bowl; bump and grind until coated in buttery love musk.
Lubricate the pan generously with slippery goodness, then coax the wet, quivering mound of joy upward, exposing the wet underside to the slicked up hardness.  Mercilessly toss the rest of your naked chocolate tarts across the top of the resulting pillow of passion. (If desired, you can treat all of your chocolate tarts in the second manner, their broken hearts will melt across the dark surface in a very wanton manner.)

Insert the rigid member into the fiery hot grotto, basting it with heat until it is hot and mostly firm in the center of its pleasure.  It is okay if said center still quivers slightly, because you will be bringing it to its fulfillment with your talented oral ministrations.

Finally, look deeply into your beloved’s enchanting velvety eyes and whisper, “Happy Anniversary, Sarah and Candy”

It’s an Historical

COCK-A-LEEKIE SOUP

take ye two pullets pluck hem and gutt hem and clene hem and boyle hem well.  take pulets from ye pott and remove the flesch from the bones.
chopp the flesch coarsley and add bak to the brothe in ye pott with sum salt.  take three or fore godly leekes and chopp hem well takying cayre to use only the tendre partes thereof and nott the darke green ends.  remove all roughe parts and the rootes.  add to the pott with fine ground sypces being thre or fore blaydes of mayce, fifteen of pepper-cornes, a piece of cynamond barke the lenth of ye smale finger, half a nutmegg, sum salt to tayste, three or two juniper berries, and also the herbs of tyme and rosmarie amounts each as would sute your taystes.  chop four or fyve carrets and add also.  then three handfuls of fruts of dry plum or peech also add to ye brothe. Add also a godly handful of chop’t persley.  let cook slow until the flavour be right and serve to yer braw soljer laddie. 

After ye take his cok in hand.  It shall furious leek for thee

Happy anniversary to one of my all-time favourite sites on the ‘net. Thanks for all the laughs and snark, Sarah and Candy. Hope the next four years are just as good than the first four!

It’s an Historical

COCK-A-LEEKIE SOUP

take ye two pullets pluck hem and gutt hem and clene hem and boyle hem well…

I actually lost it on this one.

Congratulations on 4 amazing years, Smart Bitches!

Sausage Cheese Balls

2 lbs sausage
2 cups shredded cheddar
onion salt
2 cup bisquick
celery salt

roll together and bake for 10-15 minutes at 350.  :)

Great for an appetizer

Flan-ing the Flames of Desire

Ingredients
6 eggs, smooth and round
12 oz. evaporated milk, poured in a silky, creamy stream from the can
14 oz. sweetened condensed milk, slowly drizzled from the tip of a spoon, reserving enough to dip your middle finger into before sensuously licking its rich sweetness from your fingertip
3 oz. cream cheese, warmed from the heat of the sexual tension
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
Dash ground cinnamon
-AND-
1/2 c. sugar, ‘cause it makes it taste so good

Add the eggs, milks, cream cheese, vanilla and cinnamon to a blender. Pause between additions to trade suggestive looks and double entendres while slowly edging closer to each other. Blend for 1 minute. Let mixture rest. Ignite stove by bending over burner knob while slightly arching your back. Look over your shoulder as the burner ignites, catching him watching you, and sharing that look that says, “I know that you know that I know that you want me.” Carmelize sugar in a heavy saucepan or skillet, imagining your inhibitions melting away with those sweet sugar crystals and immediately pour into an 8"x8” baking dish, spreading sugar to coat bottom of dish. Add blended mixture to baking dish. Place baking dish in a water bath and bake at 350. Remember that there was a serving platter that you needed to get down from a high cupboard right behind him. Climb onto a step stool to reach the serving platter, slightly hesitating while asking him if he will take it from your hands. Turn to face him just as he moves to stand in front of you, losing your balance just enough to fall into his waiting arms, yet not hard enough to drop the platter. Let your face come to rest within an inch of his, gazing at first his eyes, then his mouth, allowing flames of desire to ignite…

Remove the flan after 1 hour and chill overnight (or just leave it overnight in an oven that has been turned off - flames of desire are notoriously tricky to keep hot and a long delay can result in cold feet). Invert onto serving dish and serve either cold or at room temperature.

cream puffs.
take one stick of butter, one firm, long stick. cover it in one cup boiling water, roiling, bubbling water, heaving, frothing. now let it melt in a slick frenzy. turn the heat down and enjoy the after glow, ladies. add one cup of flour, suddenly, and stir. feel the spoon rub the sides of the pot, as the dough forms, thick, muscley clumps of delicous manliess. now, one at a time, add four eggs, stirring between each until completely mixed.
form into balls. yes, balls. any size. have a dildo shaped mold? now is a good time to try ‘er out!
place on ungreased baking sheet, so those balls can feel the heat rising in them.
bake at 350 for forty five minutes.
when done, they should be gold, a lovely, rich golden color. now, whip that whipping cream. beat, smack it, whip it. it’s been bad. oh yeah.
add just a touch of powder sugar, just like we like our men. creamy. sweet. whipped.
now, stuff the whipped cream into those balls, until white goo is just falling out of them. don’t forget those eclairs. nothing says bite me, lick me like a long shaft oozing white creme. yum!
feel free to dip in chocalte. lick all you want, they are so bad for you. fat, sweet, thick.
cream puffs.
decorate with chocolate, nuts (your choice) or caramel stripes. semen, anyone? many toppings go on these round balls and hard rods.
lick all you want. they’re so delcious.