Bitchin' Blog Posts
Habo: Onan and the Horses
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | February 27, 2011 | Sunday at 9:13 pm | 62 CommentsEmily Ryan-Davis writes:
Some friends and I were reminiscing over old WTF plots (weren’t they all?)
and I remembered one book that I THOUGHT was a Karen Robards historical, but
after doing some research I’m not so sure. Is there any chance we can ask
the HABO readership? Here are the deets (blurred by time as they may be):Historical from the late 80s/early 90s. I believe it was a historical with a
western American setting. The heroine was taking shelter in a brothel that
had secret passageways and she was nearly raped in the kitchen with the aid
of a packet of bacon grease. The brothel kept a talking bird on the
premises, named Onan - after the masturbating Onan of Biblical reference -
because it jizzed all over the place. Does anybody remember the title of
this book? I have a vague memory of a white cover with brilliant peacock
feathers and the feathers were raised/embossed.P.S. I think there was a hot and heavy ‘horses mating’ scene that got the
hero and heroine going, too.
How many historical romances featured couples who got all hot and bothered by watching horses mate? I know I’ve read at least a few - anyone remember this one?
Filed: General Bitching, Help a Bitch Out
Tagged: wtfery, sex, horses, historical romance, help a bitch out, habo
Dena said on 02.27.11 at 10:04 PM • [link]
I distinctly remember reading at least two that featured people getting worked up over seeing horses go at it.
I remember being fairly baffled by this, since I grew up around horses including seeing them bred/helping stand the mares, and it’s A. Brief, B. Awkward, and C. Usually the mare is less than thrilled.
Also again, BRIEF. Seriously. Thrust-thrust-thrust, done.
Jennifer Armintrout said on 02.27.11 at 10:05 PM • [link]
Whoa, wait… birds jizz?
Noelinya said on 02.27.11 at 10:42 PM • [link]
I don’t know this book, but I’ve read one where the people get hot by watching mammoths doing it.
And what is this part about the bacon grease ?
xaipe said on 02.27.11 at 10:48 PM • [link]
@Jennifer Armintrout, the Onan bird name joke I am familiar with has nothing to do with jizz—the bird is named Onan because he literally spills his seed on the ground. Either the OP is misremembering or the author of the book took a little witticism and made it unnecessarily gross.
Sybylla said on 02.27.11 at 10:49 PM • [link]
Actually, I think Ayla gets hot both from watching the mammoths and from watching the horses. (Although I think the mammoth scene is a little more WTF-tastic.) Then again, I think Ayla got hot from watching rocks, so…
already38 - Yes, there had already been 38 plot “twists” in Jean Auel’s books that made my brain go “bzuh?” before I gave up on them.
Maria said on 02.27.11 at 10:58 PM • [link]
I didn’t find the book, but apparently Dorothy Parker had a parakeet she named Onan because he spilled his seed everywhere. (at least that’s how the interwebs have the story).
Weird.
Sandy D. said on 02.28.11 at 12:21 AM • [link]
I more disturbed by the bacon grease than by the bird or the horses.
xaipe said on 02.28.11 at 01:41 AM • [link]
D’oh! Of course it was Dorothy Parker. (Not the HABO, the origin of the clever play on seed.)
Elaine said on 02.28.11 at 01:43 AM • [link]
I’m with Dena. I helped a friend by holding a mare being bred to her stallion, and my only reaction was a fervent hope that no one would get hurt.
Diva said on 02.28.11 at 01:54 AM • [link]
Well this isn’t hlepful but one of the Janet Dailey Calder saga books had lots of horse mating in it. Yeah, should NOT have read those suckers when I was in jr. high.
Sandra said on 02.28.11 at 02:40 AM • [link]
Well, I’ve got a parakeet who has definite fondness for one of his toys, if you know what I mean. It’s a cute little hanging toy with a tassel and a bell…
eye19….yep, I’ve seen it with my own eyes, at least 19 times.
Emily Ryan-Davis said on 02.28.11 at 02:40 AM • [link]
Even if a title isn’t forthcoming, I’m still amusedisturbed by the memory :) Thanks Sarah for putting it up.
Re: the memory of Onan’s, er, role in the book - I don’t know. The impression I got was of ejaculation BUT I was probably 14 when I read this book so it’s possible my reading comprehension failed to pick up the literalness of bird seed. I do recall the brothel madame / girls tittered over the implication, though.
And yes, the bacon grease was…something else. Very WTF.
Maria said on 02.28.11 at 03:03 AM • [link]
I don’t think seed was a pun….but I could be wrong. Anyway, I hope someone figures this out, I’m intrigued.
xaipe said on 02.28.11 at 03:10 AM • [link]
Pun is probably the wrong word—but if it’s not a double entendre then it’s not clever, and it just seems to work better if Bible Onan commits the sin (which I seem to recall was actually closer to pulling out than to masturbation) and Bird Onan has birdseed falling out of his cage.
Cedar said on 02.28.11 at 04:20 AM • [link]
I do not think this is the book; however, wasn’t there a scene in Lavryle Spencer’s The Gamble where a couple get worked up after watching two horses boinking? It may not have been the hero and the heroine though - possibly a former prostitute and a deaf man. It’s been years since I read it so I could be making this up.
Virginia Llorca said on 02.28.11 at 07:15 AM • [link]
Long, long ago, a dean remarked to me that I was the only English major with a comparative anatomy elective. Birds have cloacas.
maggie P. said on 02.28.11 at 07:47 AM • [link]
Kat Martin had a book or two where the main characters got hot and heavy watching horses do it. One was in the old west I think, I don’t really remember the particulars.
Amitatuq said on 02.28.11 at 09:09 AM • [link]
My parakeet used to get all hot and bothered over anything. The only time he ever “finished what he started” was on my cousin’s hand. My mom had to comment, “Well, Sean, you should have at least made him buy you dinner first.” :-D
StarOpal said on 02.28.11 at 09:11 AM • [link]
Nora Roberts’ True Betrayals is a contemporary with the hot n heavy horse voyeur scene.
AgTigress said on 02.28.11 at 12:26 PM • [link]
Yes, it was. The ‘sin’ of Onan was not really even coitus interruptus, which was what he did, at least according to the translations I have read, let alone masturbation, but rather, his refusal to follow the prescribed duty of impregnating his brother’s widow.
On birds mating, as Virginia has reminded us, in most species it is unlike mammalian coitus in that the animals merely place their vents together. But of course the male produces sperm. This is still a good deal more intimate than the mating of most fishes, where the female first deposits her eggs, and the male then swims over them, depositing his sperm.
However, there are some male fishes (e.g. guppies) that have developed an intromittent organ (modified anal fin, called the gonopodium), and these fishes are livebearers, giving birth to tiny fry rather than laying eggs. Male guppies spend most of their time chasing the larger females, waving their little gonopodia enthusiastically.
Likewise, there are some bird species that have male organs which are, in effect, penises (or penes, if you prefer); specifically swans, ducks (and, I think, cassowaries). Which makes Leda’s experience more interesting than one might otherwise have expected. Watch ducks in the spring, and you will see a lot of gang-banging that is often quite hard on the poor females.
Sorry, got carried away there. I am interested in zoology, too.
Incidentally, although the mating of horses (and cattle) is very quick, I can well imagine that in certain circumstances, watching the stallion approaching the mare with his organ at the ready, rather than the actual mounting, might be sexually exciting.
Milena said on 02.28.11 at 12:56 PM • [link]
This had me in stitches. I know, I should grow up.
AgTigress said on 02.28.11 at 02:48 PM • [link]
Milena, it is so tempting to anthropomorphise! I used to think of my female guppies as respectable ladies. Clad in their modest, subtle colours, they swam sedately with their minds on higher things, perhaps pondering deep thoughts of piscine philosophy. Certainly nothing was further from their minds than sex. The boys, however, were constantly showing off; small and bright, bedizened in glowing colours and flaunting their long, diaphanous fins, they darted about quivering eagerly, and saying, ‘Hey, hey, look at me! Look what I’VE got!! HEY!’
Sad to say, both sexes were equally inclined to eat newborn baby guppies if one did not take steps to prevent it…
Laura (in PA) said on 02.28.11 at 03:04 PM • [link]
This site is an endless education.
Lisa Hendrix said on 02.28.11 at 04:04 PM • [link]
To further the educational bent, I give you ducksecs (from the Guardian, with explanation of duck evolution and how the females in the aforementioned gang bang avoid total annihilation — I’ve seen it. It’s not pretty)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2009/dec/23/video-genital-warfare-ducks
Milena said on 02.28.11 at 04:25 PM • [link]
OMG. I think I’ll stick to guppies with their enthusiastic little gonopodia.
spamword: planning69. If I were a duck, I really wouldn’t do that.
Kinsey said on 02.28.11 at 04:39 PM • [link]
Sorry Em, have no idea about the book
A few weeks ago we were watching a Dirty Jobs, the Diva and I. She has a very vague notion of procreation - knows it takes a male and female, knows animals “mate,” knows about menstruation and why it happens, knows dogs are born with testicles, but hasn’t put it all together, nor asked me to.
So we’re watching Mike Rowe and he’s at a horse breeding operation, and I’m thinking we should change the channel but I know she’ll bitch b/c it’s one of her favorite shows, and the breeding guy says “well, Mike, we’re going to _________” - can’t remember how he phrased it but they were going to get semen from the stallion. Honestly can’t remember if they used a phantom mare or an artificial vagina, but they showed the whole thing and those few seconds lasted forever and I just sat there waiting for Diva to say, “Umm, Mommy, what….”
But she didn’t. And so The Talk was postponed once more.
Jane Lovering said on 02.28.11 at 04:43 PM • [link]
Cats have kittens
Dogs have puppies
Guppies just have little guppies.
Wish I could remember who wrote that.
Darlene Marshall said on 02.28.11 at 05:30 PM • [link]
He’s called Onan ‘cause he “spills his seed”. Don’t know the book, but it’s a moderately humorous Biblical reference. BTW, Onan’s crime wasn’t masturbation but coitus interruptus. He refused to get his sister-in-law Tamar pregnant, so she disguises herself as a whore and sleeps with her father-in-law Judah instead. I love the Bible for its wholesome and uplifting moral tales.[g]
Donna said on 02.28.11 at 06:39 PM • [link]
@Darlene - BWWAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAA!
henofthewoods said on 02.28.11 at 06:48 PM • [link]
If you were widowed, would you want your husband’s relative’s child?
To raise by yourself in a time before WIC?
I can understand wanting your husband’s baby if you lose him before having children but the rest of that just baffles me.
Sorry for the threadjack, but really.
LEW said on 02.28.11 at 07:05 PM • [link]
Bird sex! I love a happy ending involving cloacal kisses!
Kismet said on 02.28.11 at 07:10 PM • [link]
Haha, Dena- I spent some time working on a WB breeding farm and before that had boarded my horses at a barn that had a few racing stallions. I saw my first live cover at the age of 14 and my thought was “That’s it? Makes you feel bad for the mares.” Lots of the stable workers joked about 30 second Sam, who was, of course, the most valuable one on the lot… and that was record length for him too.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Dentonista said on 02.28.11 at 07:14 PM • [link]
I can’t help with this book, but @Jane Lovering - the poem you’re quoting is by Ogden Nash and it’s called “The Guppy”
He is - without a doubt - my favorite poet
Jane Lovering said on 02.28.11 at 07:21 PM • [link]
@your friendly neighborhood dentonista Thank you so much! That’s been bugging me for ages. And I agree, a wonderful poet.
AgTigress said on 02.28.11 at 07:42 PM • [link]
Lisa Hendrix: many thanks for that fascinating link. I have watched drakes raping ducks many times, but I did not know about these interior convolutions! Pigs have strange-shaped penises, too. Just saying.
And another Ogden Nash fan here, Dentonista. :-)
AgTigress said on 02.28.11 at 07:57 PM • [link]
I don’t think it was a case of what the widow (or the brother) wanted, Henofthewoods: I understand that according to Jewish teaching in Old Testament times, it was divinely ordained that a man should ‘raise up children in his brother’s name’ if the brother was deceased. If I have misremembered that, I am sure Jewish readers here will correct me, and I apologise if I have got it wrong.
Remember that many ancient laws and customs in tribal societies were predicated on a way of life and inheritance systems very different from ours, and heavily inflenced by very high infant mortality and much shorter life expectation. Reproduction was not a choice or a right: it was a duty. Things that seem quite scandalous today, including the canonical marriageable age for girls (12), looked very different in a pre-industrial society.
Delphine Dryden said on 02.28.11 at 08:07 PM • [link]
Um, I don’t normally post links to stuff in blog comments. But I felt I would be remiss if I didn’t point out this blog post I did recently regarding animal threesomes (specifically whales…and no, the images in the post are not remotely safe for work, kids, or your brain).
http://1800domhelp.blogspot.com/2011/02/fetish-friday-animal-threesomes.html
Shorter version: animals sometimes have threesomes/moresomes, whales have gigantic wieners, and like all the other posters I have no idea about the book being sought, but man I adore these threads.
consider87: No idea what position that is, but I think I’ll go google it up for conideration :-)
LEW said on 02.28.11 at 08:09 PM • [link]
AgTigress, sounds like you’d be interested in my most popular coffee table book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-They-Do-Robert-Wallace/dp/0688087183/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1298912770&sr=1-9
Definitely includes pigs and their corkscrew-shaped penes. ;)
Jenyfer Matthews said on 02.28.11 at 08:18 PM • [link]
Hmmm…you know, I think just about anything is improved by bacon, but the plot of this story just proved me wrong!!!
AgTigress said on 02.28.11 at 08:43 PM • [link]
LEW, thank you very much indeed for the reference. I had not come across your book, but it sounds as though I should make a space for it on the shelf near Olivia Judson’s charming Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to all Creation.
My own books on animals are connected with art and mythology and are deliberately sex-free, though I have also published on (human) erotic art. I don’t want to give Amazon links here, because I try to keep my online and real-life personae (personas?) apart.
:-)
LEW said on 02.28.11 at 08:49 PM • [link]
AgTigress, alas I did not write that book - it was a gift. I asked for “smut”, and I got “educational smut”. One of my most favorite gifts ever. I write scientific papers on evolutionary biology, not fun animal-sex-filled romps (though I guess in evolutionary biology sex is always implied…). In fact, in the style of any self-respecting journal article, my papers are rather coma-inducing. Perhaps I should rethink my career choices….
miz-geek said on 02.28.11 at 08:55 PM • [link]
No idea what the book is, but re: impregnating your brother’s widow - in many traditional societies, women were (and still are) defined by their relationships to men. You’re a daughter, wife, or mother (of a son). And it’s not just that that’s what defines you, it’s what determines who’s responsible for you. If she has no husband, then she’d probably be stuck going back to her father’s home, or being the poor relation who takes care of someone else’s family (sounds like many a regency plot right there). Having a son, even if she’s a widow, ties her to her husband’s family and gives them responsibility for her (and him).
Leslie said on 02.28.11 at 09:03 PM • [link]
I am gonna have to leave the site b/c of laughing at my desk (and following following naughty linkage)...but…um…anyone know the name of the book yet?
Just as my reading of Dickens is richer and more informed after my 19th Century Social History Seminars, I believe my reading of this HaBO is going to be incredibly rewarding.
Daisy said on 02.28.11 at 09:18 PM • [link]
Coulter wrote a peeps getting hot watching horses scene in one of her Magic books.
Don’t have a clue about the HABO though.
The rest of this thread just boggles! Thanks for the chuckles this morning. The things you people know is amazing. =)
AgTigress said on 02.28.11 at 09:33 PM • [link]
LEW, sorry for the misunderstanding. I am full of respect for your career; evolutionary biology is (as they say here!) awesome! I am just a common-or-garden archaeologist.
:-)
Jane Lovering said on 02.28.11 at 10:26 PM • [link]
@Delphine Drydon But comparitively speaking, the Blue Whale has a tiny, weenie one. If he was a human man, it would be less than four inches long. I’ve always felt a bit sorry for Mrs Blue Whale, actually, always wondered if she has an ‘is it in yet?’ moment. And anyway, as well all know, size isn’t everything.
And has anybody ever SEEN a Tomcat’s penis? Nastynastynasty.
Dena said on 02.28.11 at 10:29 PM • [link]
Hee, yes, Kismet! I grew up around horses and a farm with an active breeding program, and then worked at one later in life, so I think that probably warps our perspective.
Also my favorite was the miniature teaser stud who was named “Mr. Thunderpants”. Poor little guy. Eternally blueballed for the sake of telling if the ladies were ready for the big men.
Delphine Dryden said on 02.28.11 at 10:33 PM • [link]
I know! Spikes, eek! DO NOT WANT! which is pretty much what the lady cat always seems to be saying. Those things are no French ticklers.
AgTigress said on 02.28.11 at 11:18 PM • [link]
Because I was not brought up on a stud farm, I have always wondered about the poor teaser stallions. Are they ever allowed to do their thing? If not, I think that is Not Fair.
AgTigress said on 02.28.11 at 11:26 PM • [link]
Hey, everyone to his (or rather her) taste! The fact that a cat in season will happily mate with a series of several males in quick succession suggests that in spite of the screaming, she enjoys the barbs. In fact, the screaming may well be a token of her appreciation.
Bitches, on the other hand (I mean the canine ones) must sometimes get pretty bored during the tie, which can go on for 20 minutes or so.
The variety is amazing, and that is just in familar mammal species. When you get to insects, sex can get really weird.
Dena said on 02.28.11 at 11:30 PM • [link]
I can’t speak for all farms, but Mr. Thunderpants got to get his thunder on twice, but otherwise not really. I never blamed him for being a cranky little sod.
AgTigress said on 02.28.11 at 11:42 PM • [link]
Poor Mr. Thunderpants!
Delphine Dryden said on 03.01.11 at 12:43 AM • [link]
Yes. His thunder never got to leave his pants.
Kinsey said on 03.01.11 at 12:56 AM • [link]
Forgot to add that I think Onan and the Horses would make a bitchin’ name for a band.
When I write my rock star BDSM, I might just be asking you for permission, Sarah.
Ell said on 03.01.11 at 01:44 AM • [link]
Okay, this thread got me curious. Yes, there are a whole bunch of horse mating videos available on Youtube. Likely other animal-mating videos as well; haven’t actually checked. Later, maybe.
AgTigress said on 03.01.11 at 01:47 AM • [link]
Did anyone identify the book? We seem to have got slightly sidetracked.
:-D
Darlene Marshall said on 03.01.11 at 02:43 AM • [link]
Marrying one’s brother-in-law if left widowed and childless is a part of traditional Jewish law, hence the story of Onan and Tamar in Genesis. A variation of it also shows up in the Book of Ruth. For those of you interested in a romantic take on this, look for the Israeli film “I Love You Rosa”, about a young woman who has to wait for her brother-in-law to grow up and release her from the obligation to marry him.
Don’t know if the film’s available on Netflix.
AgTigress said on 03.01.11 at 02:56 AM • [link]
Thank you, Darlene. I’m glad I remembered this correctly.
:-)
Amitatuq said on 03.01.11 at 05:37 AM • [link]
After reading this thread I think I’m going to have to designate one of my friends to clear my YouTube and Google image history when I die! Too many things I need to look up now.
AgTigress, I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you in the other comment thread. I was afraid too much time/comments had gone by. I do remember your tigress drawing! And I’m pretty sure I still have the gray kitty drawing you made for me, but unfortunately the computer that it’s saved on sort of crashed. I’ve been meaning to bring it in and have it fixed but it’s one of those things that I never get around to because the CPU is so heavy. I think that because it was a battery issue I won’t have lost data so I’m sure I’ll still have your drawing!
P.Awful said on 03.02.11 at 12:44 AM • [link]
omg, I totally remember this book. Ack. What was the title?? I was reading it during my Zebra phase, along around the time of Rebecca Sinclair’s sleeping-during-masturbation scene, late 90’s early 2Ks. It was set in the old west, and the heroine was a virgin working in the kitchens of a brothel. Hence the horse scene; he was “teaching” her what sex was while standing behind her like the male horse… I remember it was kind of hot to teenage-me. The hero did something shady… smuggled, maybe? He stayed below the brothel in a room accessed by some trap door in the kitchen store-room. The heroine went down there to get something & she accidentally witnessed a secondary plotline couple doing the buttsecks (during which the hero spied on the heroine spying on the couple). Does this help ANYBODY?
seton said on 03.05.11 at 04:54 AM • [link]
Sigh. This is what I get for not checking my google feed for a week. The bk that Emily is looking for is RENEGADE’S ANGEL by Phoebe Fitzjames. You can see the cover with the peacock feathers on this site:
http://www.paperbackswap.com/Renegades-Angel-Phoebe-Fitzjames/book/0821737600/
AgTigress said on 03.05.11 at 01:27 PM • [link]
Oh, well done, Seton. We all had fun with the discussion, but hadn’t made any progress in identifying the book.
What a pretty cover, too!
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