Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

No idea what this book is,  but the the bit with the bottle would have been a total deal breaker for me. No thank you.

I’m all for fun and games, but something about the way she describes this scene sounds degrading and borderline abusive.

As usual I have no clue…but for once I bet the normally blurry line between “I’ve read that! It’s so-and-so’s,” and “No, it was such-and-such!” will be champagne-bottle-clear within the Bitchery. Sounds like Angry Boner Man strikes again, with an extreme breed of carbonated specificity! I just hope that poor heroine didn’t get a cork in the eye… Unless that’s what she’s into, in which case, more power to her.

Muwahaha, sounds like a Harlequin Presents to me. Or a Thea Devine novel. :P

My first thought was Susan Johnson; but I don’t remember a modern setting like that. I agree it could quite possibly be a Thea Devine too.

owwie! champagne in my poon? GLASS in my poon? so not working for me.

:: facepalm ::

the champagne bottle narrowed it down to about 5 books, but none of the other stuff matches…

apparently bubbly is getting popular these days…

I dimly recall reading a romance in which, during one hot and heavy session a WINE bottle was used. But she was all for it so it was okay. The book I’m thinking of was set in the past, whereas this HaBO sounds more contemporary, so I’m not really helping at all. I’m just saying the use of bottlewear is not altogether new.

Great. Now I’m going to to go crazy trying to think of the name of the book I’m talking about.

The Angry Sommelier’s Consenting Virgin Ice Bucket

Oddly enough, I was thinking about this a couple of weeks ago and trying to remember the book/author. I think it was an established writer and the book was released in the mid-90’s, with the book being a full-length novel and not contemporary. I keep circling through names beginning with “V”.
Of course, I could be wildly wrong!

The Angry Sommelier’s Consenting Virgin Ice Bucket

That is to funny!  You nearly made me spew my coffee out!

Back in the days before I was brave enough to buy a vibrator, I used to use cleaned, empty wine bottles.  And then I realized they were glass, and gave that up.

These days, I see articles about glass dildos and think, ouch.  Although I hear they’re shatterproof or something.

@Cara McKenna - you just made me very grateful for the spill proofed keyboard on my netbook. *snicker*

I dunno about the book, the Angry Man and the plot excerpt bit sounds like a Presents, except waaaay too risqué. 
It is ringing some bells as regards a scene from a film, except I think that was a wine bottle and drunk-sex, not angry. 

I gotta say, being of inquiring mind I´m thinking not so much glass splinters as a)  unopened, OW, wire cages and foil, do-NOT-want and b) opened, OMGWTFBBQ - I forsee a trip to Casualty to break the vacuum. *shudder*

I’m pretty sure that one’s by Erica Jong.

@Blush

These days, I see articles about glass dildos and think, ouch.  Although I hear they’re shatterproof or something.

http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/glass_dildos.html

Yeah, you’re right, the do exist.

Sorry I can’t help with the book, Jac. The only foreign object I’ve seen in a romance novel used as a sex toy was a parrot’s feather. And it wasn’t for angry sex either.

Unless your Kegels are like strung out on ‘roids and Olympic-level strong, I don’t think anyone should live in too much fear of a glass dildo spontaneously shattering in their velvet love tunnel.

I tried Googling “romance novel champagne bottle” and the first 1/2 dozen hits were this site, but I did find the following, titled “The Unfinished diary of Rachel Carter”:
http://www.booksie.com/romance/novel/rachel_carter/the-unfinished-diary-of-rachel-carter/chapter/5
However it seems to be an online work, so I doubt if it’s what Jac is looking for.

These days, I see articles about glass dildos and think, ouch.  Although I hear they’re shatterproof or something.

Actually, that’s the only kind I own.  They’re really nice, no splinters or shattering so far (and, without getting into details, I have a couple that are well used), and they get the job done.

However, an opened wine/champagne bottle doesn’t sound pleasant.  I would also live in fear of the vacuum that could form from that.

I just recently subscribed to this blog, and boy, am I EVER GLAD I did…you ladies crack me up!!!
I’m not going to be any help, consdering I have never read that book, but I think I may be looking up the title once it is found…I’m intrigued!  I would never use a bottle for this purpose, though, being a nurse I an attest to the vacuum problem as a REAL hazzard…

Sounds like old, old JAK when she was writing as Stephanie James.  Sex as punishment was pretty big in those.  Fortunately, I somehow skipped this one if it was JAK.

@ beggar1015 - The book you’re thinking of is probably Master of Paradise by Katherine O’Neal.  I remember that sex scene vividly because two words kept going through my head: suction and ow.

Can’t help with the HaBO title because I can’t thinking of something similar with a contemporary setting, even though Susan Johnson keeps coming to mind.

It does sound like a Susan Johnson book. I know I read one at one time where a bottle was used as a dildo. And isn’t all her sex angry sex? It feels like it. I’ll be interested to see what book this ends up being.

I thought Susan Johnson too, because she shocked the shit out of me as a teenager. Her heroes were always using props. Made me uncomfortable in the girly pants. That said, I can’t remember a damn thing about any of her books, just the memory of finding it all a little too much.

There is a scene in the movie Paris Trout where the crazy man Paris Trout, played by that crazy man Dennis Hopper, rapes his wife (the beauteous Barbara Hershey) with a bottle. But it is not sexy, it’s angry and scary, and altogether offputting.

That movie is based on a Pete Dexter novel.

This has nothing to do with the OP’s question, but I just had to get it out there.

Sounds like old, old JAK when she was writing as Stephanie James.  Sex as punishment was pretty big in those.  Fortunately, I somehow skipped this one if it was JAK.

Definitely NOT Jayne Ann Krentz under any of her noms de plume.

Kay

My first thought was “Princess Daisy”  because I remember all sorts of strange sex (well, I was young, back then) in that one.

spamword:  mother55.  Yes, I’m a mother, BUT I haven’t reached 55 yet.

The sex scene described reminds me of a Lori Foster novel, though none of the other plot points line up. The only thing I remember for sure about that novel is that the hero’s last name is “Wilde.”

I know I’ve read at least one Champagne douche scene, but I just cannot place the book.  I’ve never read Susan Johnson, so that can’t be what I’m thinking of.  Don’t think it’s JAK, even her angry sex from the early books was pretty conventional. 

Oh, lard, I adored Princess Daisy and all the other Judith Krantz books back in the day.  What I most remember about that book?  That Daisy farted in bed after finally doing it with the hero.  Hilarity ensued.  Never have read that in another romance!  I remember getting my hands on Scruples when I was just way too young to appreciate that the heroine blew the pilot after she scattered her dead husbands’ ashes from the plane.  I put the book down and waited until college to pick it back up, LOL!

I remember The Lady’s Tutor by robin schone having a champagne scene, but it wasn’t angry.

Mention of the name Erica Jong rang a bell for me.  I think it was her historical novel, FANNY, that contained the bottle scene. Spamword central59.  No, I don’t think it was central to the plot.

Yeah, it was The Lady’s Tutor by Robin Schone that had the champagne douche scene. But even though the hero fizzled the heroine with it,  it definitely wasn’t in anger or for punishment. Set back in the Victorian era, the champagne was thought to prevent pregnancy.

Oh, the Judith Krantz books bring back memories. I loved them - I was in high school, I think. I remember my surprise when my mom read Princess Daisy and was scandalized. She thought it was pornographic. By that age I’d already read the rapey Old Skool romances, and was getting into Catherine Coulter and the slightly less rapey but still Old Skool romances, and that’s when I realized I needed to start hiding my books from my mother.

Not exactly relevant, but a good friend of mine in high school had sex with two guys and a wine bottle one night. Seemed to go okay from what she said.

However, an opened wine/champagne bottle doesn’t sound pleasant.  I would also live in fear of the vacuum that could form from that.

This was what made me think DO NOT WANT.  Opened bottles are a bad idea.

LOL! I love this site.

Definitely Susan Johnson had some wine bottles in hers.  Wicked, possibly? That one was pretty racy…. or was it the marizipan cherries that was in that book?

Princess Daisy… wow, memories. I was just cleaning out my bookshelves tonight - huge undertaking - and my Mom had forbidden me to read that book - so I did, of course, when I was about 14, and it always stuck with me. Wow!

No help on this post though.

The sex scene described reminds me of a Lori Foster novel, though none of the other plot points line up. The only thing I remember for sure about that novel is that the hero’s last name is “Wilde.”

I think that was Janelle Denison… Though I’m no Lori Foster geek, I can’t think of a book of hers w/ a character, last name of Wilde, and I’ve read almost all of them.

As far as the HaBO, wow. I deal w/ enough poor-decision-making end results at work… innards should not be ‘outtards’. Just sayin’.

I’m also going to put in a vote for Susan Johnson.  Can’t remember the name of the book but it also shocked the hell out of me as a teenager. The description sounds vaguely the same but I definitely remember the Champagne bottle, really hit my squick button.

Completely off topic, but why does the other Nicole show up with my avatar?

The “Wilde” books are written by Janelle Denison. I’ve read a couple of them, but I don’t remember any with a champagne bottle. I think that would stick with me. A couple of the “Bad Boy” anthologies by Brava have stories by Lori Foster, and a “Wilde” story. That may be why you were thinking she wrote it. I know I’ve read a book with the champagne bottle, but I think it’s Lady’s Tutor that I’m thinking of. That was definitely not angry sex.

On a side note, I agree with some of the earlier comments. Glass dildos are fantastic. Very easy to clean and sanitary, plus some of them are gorgeous. ‘Nuff said. Check out wildinsecret.com for some examples. (NSFW)

hard59: No comment ;)

Ambition by Julie Burchill had a champagne scene that left me slightly aghast as a teenager - I think it involved a headstand and some sort of vag/glass equation. Definitely a sex as punishment book, too - see here:

http://forgotten-classics.blogspot.com/2007/01/julie-burchill.html

I surfed the web, couldn’t come up with anything. But that book sounds great! If you find the name , pls let me know…............LOL love those sex scenes…...

I remember reading a book a long time ago that involved pirates, and a blue bird tattoo, and there was at one point a scene in a cave that involved a wine bottle. Perhaps it was the same one that beggar1015 was referring to. I don’t remember the name though.

I have to say angry sex with a bottle isn’t exactly my cup of tea. But I hope you find the book .

The Angry Sommelier’s Consenting Virgin Ice Bucket

This. This is why I read SBTB. Okay, the stuff about empowerment of women and chasing down plagiarists is all great too, but laughing so hard I snort; that’s the reason.

And my submit word? Why56. This is reason Why #1 but there are at least 56 other reasons I read SBTB.

Open bottles for sex = painful and embarrassing trip to the ER.

I can’t find the link, but a woman used an open bottle for purposes never intended by the manufacturer ended up in agony in an ER. Attempts to remove the bottle injured her, the suction was so sever. Finally, a doctor looking in on the group of puzzled ER people, taped the protruding end of the bottle and broke it with a hammer, equalizing the pressure. One presumes the neck was removed with no injury to the lady. One would hope she swore off bottles and bought the right “tool” for the job instead.

Don’t use a pine cone, either.  (WTF????)
http://blogs.app.com/saywhat/2009/03/30/woman-has-sex-with-pine-cone-needs-surgery-to-remove-it/

Men should also stay away from bottles.

http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/07/09/1189486.aspx

And vacuum cleaners.

I am NOT looking that one up. You couldn’t pay me to do it.

All I’ve got is Prince Albert meeting IUD.  Brought in still joined on the stretcher from the ambulance.

But then a lot of men paint the bathroom naked and fall on candles and potatoes….

spamword:  best76.  Hell, I bet the healthcare workers here could easily give the best 76 tales of the retrevial of foreign objects.

Here’s a good one:

http://rosedesrochers.todays-woman.net/2007/06/27/vortex-vibrations-vacuum-cleaner-sex-toy/

Oh, man , I meant to chime in on this earlier, but forgot.  There are lots of urban legends and bonafide real life examples about things being stuck where they don’t belong, but my best personal entry is that I once had a patient who broke his penis.  With a woman who wasn’t his wife.  Yep, *SNAP*.

umm, vacuum problem ?...

Broke his penis? There are no bones in the penis, how does it break?

Now dogs DO have a bone in theirs and yes, there have been instances of them getting broken which is extremely serious. But my head is kind of bewildered on how you break something that has no bony structures in it.

Human penises can sustain significant damage if injured when fully erect - though not a fracture in the usual sense, such injuries are referred to as breaks. Most often it involves damage to the tunica albugenia, a membrane that encompasses the corpora cavernosa (the tissue than engorges during an erection).

On a lighter note - my favourite foreign body story comes from a patient over a decade ago. His story: I was cleaning out the guttering and because it was a warm day I decided not to put on any clothes. I slipped reaching from the ladder and fell, landing on some carrots I pulled out of the vegie patch earlier, one of which somehow ended up *there*.

The ED staff wondered how that fit with the fact that the carrot they removed in theatre was not only washed but peeled and carved into a particularly knobbly shape!

Alex has explained it correctly.  Essentially, when the penis is erect, the vasculature can sort of snap, if it’s handled the right way.  Or wrong way.  You get the picture.

Let’s not forget Peyronnies Disease.  Yup, curve penis, boomerangs of love.

Usually the result of an injury if I remember correctly.

Ann Bruce: I believe you’re right! Master of Paradise does seem to be ringing a bell. And as Lillian6751 says, I think the hero did become a pirate. I don’t remember a tattoo, but it’s been a long time. I do remember ther heroine goes to meet her lover somewhere really dark (perhaps it was a cave) and screws his brains out, only to find out later in the book she had screwed someone else. She couldn’t have bothered to ask “Honey, is that you?”

It’s amazing y’all were able to figure this out from the little bit of gibberish I typed.

I must get this book!...........

The Susan Johnson was a blown glass dildo, wherein the hero basically “binds” her with it with the reminder, “It’s glass…” so she doesn’t dare move while he does all sorts of other stuff to her. I remember it because I was kinda, uh… Oh never you mind!

Anyway, it’s Forbidden [rimshot].

I didn’t discover Susan Johnson until my mid-20s and she blew my mind—and I’d read Bertrice Small and Rosemary Rogers when I was 14!

Since everybody’s already covered the problem of the open bottle and the interesting things people happen to find in their orifices, I’ll refrain.

Oh my - I think I actually know this one. I’m standing here, my heart pounding, because I KNOW THIS ONE.

It’s Love Game by Mallory Rush

I think I should win something for this if only because I never recognize the books people are looking for. LOL!!!

For its time, this book was quite provacative. Thea Devine, Susan Johnson and Bertrice were around but this was the first hint of ‘kink’ in contemporary romance. It was a harlequin release but not in their series lines.

@beggar1015 - The hero did abandon the heroine to become a pirate.  She ran to shed; balled her eyes out; made love to her half-brother thinking it was the hero; years later the hero kidnaps her; they get stranded on an island, have fun in the sand; travel to another island, where they venture into a cave where he hid a case of wine bottles and the infamous sex scene takes place.

So, so sad that I know this story so well.

I don’t know about the wine bottles. My dad who was a GP in Vancouver in the 50s confided in me that what he really hated was the shot glasses due to, yes, the vacuum. I have not, however, seen any romances with shot glasses stuck anywhere and, as a pediatrician, have not seen said shot glasses. (Don’t ask about wedding bands or toothbrushes, however.)

Glass dildos are quite different to bottles, because they’re at least 10x thicker and thus much more sturdy. Also, when used for the intended purpose, it’s more “bending strength” that you’re after - impact resistance isn’t really an issue when it comes to sex toys. Unless, of course, you’re doing the humpty humpty above a hard surface and the toy happens to fall out. Even then, they’re usually made out of annealed glass, and they tend not to shatter as easily as real glass.

As to why you’d want to use one? They are amazingly slick, and also very hard. If you like that sensation, glass is the next best thing to surgical steel.

The real thing girls is the best!!!!

The Erica Jong reference is from “How to save your own life” and it is from a lesbian scene.