Bitchin' Blog Posts
HaBO: Cartland
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | September 09, 2008 | Tuesday at 12:47 pm | 46 CommentsHastur is looking for a Cartland she read in German, and her account of the story is laden with the awesome. She writes:
Dear Ladies, I am at your mercy.
It’s a Barbara Cartland book I’m looking for. I’ve no idea when it came out. I gave my only copy to someone a million years ago - and that copy was in German, so I have no idea what the English title was. Given Barbara’s epic life span, it could’ve been published somewhere between the 1920s and the 1990s.
The story:Red-haired girl comes back to her uncle’s house from having left a governessing job at some lecher’s house (he was a Marquis). Back home, she finds her cousin engaged to an aspiring politician who is up for promotion and needs a wife. She and the cousin (one red-haired, the other blond) swap places at the wedding (wtf?). The cousin elopes with a dashing officer, who takes her to India, while the redhead marries the politician - who was a baronet, thinking of it. Sir Something.
The aspiring politician eventually finds out who he’s married and wants to dump the chica by sending her to Italy, but she is unusually spirited for a Cartland heroine and tells him to show some British stiff upper lip or else she’ll ruin his career.They take off for his estate, she finds out he’s not such a bad dude after all, just tortured by his past, and after a while, he too wants to get into her frilly knickers. After he tries it, she bashes him over the head with a chandelier (a CARTLAND heroine!!11one!) and runs away to London thinking he is dead. In London, she runs into her former employer (the ole Marquis deLech). After running away from him, she makes up her mind she does love her hubby and goes back, the solution to all his issues in her hand luggage.
They confess their undying love for each other. I think there was no obligatory two-line sexing at the end of this novel. Not sure, though.
The reason I really want to read this book again is that this girl was so unusually spunky for a Cartland heroine, who told the hero to stuff it and did not admire him from the start although he was such a hot specimen and all. If anyone remembers this book, please do tell me!
Filed: Help a Bitch Out
Tagged: promotion, barbara cartland
Liz in Australia said on 09.09.08 at 01:29 PM • [link]
I know this one!!!
Sailing to Love
“Venetia was very lonely after the death of her parents. So when her cousin Mary begged her to help to save her from a forced marriage, Venetia was ready. Mary was in love with another man and expecting his child. yet the Queen wanted her to marry the Earl of Mountwood at a moment’s notice and go with him to India. A reckless impulse made Venetia promise to take Mary’s place at the altar. She would worry about the consequences later. Lord Mountwood was handsome, but he was also haughty and autocratic, demanding instant obedience from his servants - and his wife. When he discovered the trick Venetia had played on him he was furious. She had only her quick wits to protect her from his wrath. On the journey to India they quarrelled and sparred, each getting the measure of the other, while the growing attraction between them became impossible to ignore. In India they travelled to the North-West frontier, to a fort that was under constant attack by the Russians. And there, just as she and her husband discovered their love, they were caught up in danger that threatened to part them. How they overcame all the obstacles is told in this exciting and romantic novel by Barbara Cartland.”
From http://www.barbaracartland.com
:-)
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 09.09.08 at 02:14 PM • [link]
Seriously, the guy’s name is Mountwood? That just about made me spit coffee all over my keyboard.
SB Sarah said on 09.09.08 at 02:22 PM • [link]
EARL OF MOUNTWOOD?! OMG. I just choked on my coffee.
For getting it in one - Liz in Australia gets a title, along with some other awesome folks. Me and Photoshop, we need to have words.
Way to go Liz!
(*snicker* MOUNTWOOD?! PAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA)
AgTigress said on 09.09.08 at 02:34 PM • [link]
Why is Mountwood so funny? This must be a language thing, again. ‘Mount’ as in, ‘the stallion mounted the mare’ I can see, though hardly hilarious, but ‘wood’?
Someone explain, to this British English speaker.
:-)
Egads said on 09.09.08 at 02:39 PM • [link]
“Wood” as in something hard, like an erection.
Victoria Janssen said on 09.09.08 at 02:40 PM • [link]
“Wood” and “to get wood” is slang for an erection.
AgTigress said on 09.09.08 at 02:51 PM • [link]
Ah, right. Thanks. I have come across that Americanism, somewhere, but I had totally forgotten it.
Eunice said on 09.09.08 at 02:59 PM • [link]
Maybe it was a Smart Bitch Title.
Mountwood…. *snickers*
AbbyT said on 09.09.08 at 03:34 PM • [link]
Same reason we American’s snicker over under-age hottie Sean Biggerstaff who plays the character Oliver Wood in the Harry Potter films.
*giggle*
Sassee said on 09.09.08 at 03:42 PM • [link]
Mountwood? Oh my God. That’s about as bad as another set of character names I’ve read in a romance novel… Magnus and Peter Hardwick.
I bet you can guess who the hero was in that one.
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 09.09.08 at 03:53 PM • [link]
And don’t forget Petronius Longus in Lindsay Davis’ Falco series of murder mysteries.
heather (errantdreams) said on 09.09.08 at 04:47 PM • [link]
Of course, I understand the Brits laughed at the movie title “Free Willy” for much the same reason that us Americans are chortling at “Mountwood.” :D
Hit him over the head with a chandelier?! You go, girl! rofl!
Alexandra said on 09.09.08 at 05:00 PM • [link]
It has been some time and I have been looking for a book from Maria Ferrarella. I read it about 10 years ago. it was about about a girl who left her small town due to her father harrassement work fro a ranch in Montana and is forced to return because he is dying.
After the death of her mother, her fathered remarried and the new wife had an older boy. He was the only one nice to her. (I think they had a younger son afterward who was a real bastard and died after tryind to rape her during a raging storm).
After the death of the father she learns that she inherits nothing and want to leave the ranch (because of her fathers attitudes and lies every one except an old dude and her stepbrother despise her). To make things right he propose her but she refuse and prepare to return to montana. whe a fire starts in the stables (b’c kids were triyng smoking) and she almost die saving the kids and the horse feeling that she has nothing to loose.
she almost dye and he tries make her want to live again and marry him (because after that everyone realise what a wonderful person she really is) (all because she was not her fathers child).
I remember pretty much the story but can’t find the title (I read it in french) and really would like to reread it.
Thanks for your help
AgTigress said on 09.09.08 at 05:26 PM • [link]
We certainly did; positively took our breath away. ‘Free Penis’ is, after all, mildly amusing. Would Americans have hesitated over ‘Free Dick’ or not?
I don’t see ‘Mountwood’ in at all the same light. ‘Mount the erection’? But ‘mount’, like ‘cover’, is generally used of male animals mounting females. I still think it is pretty obscure, but this may be because I instantly associate words with pictures, and this picture just doesn’t work for me.
Lovecow2000 said on 09.09.08 at 05:36 PM • [link]
I don’t know about y’all, but I have read so many, many romances where the heroine mounts his throbbing shaft, hardness (whatever) and rides him.
What’s the old saw: America and Britain—2 nations divided by a common language?
Suze said on 09.09.08 at 05:36 PM • [link]
I was once mocked wildly for failing to respond appropriately to the following joke (told to me by an Australian):
What’s black and white and red all over? A crow with a fat.
Yeah, apparently in Australian, a fat is a hard-on. Who knew? (I’m Canadian, by the way. Since we’re sort of somewhere between American and British English, we just kind of randomly giggle at whatever strikes our fancy.)
For example, deep54. That kind of tickles my funny bone this morning.
Stephanie said on 09.09.08 at 05:43 PM • [link]
“Sailing to Love” sounds pretty close, but the description also sounds to me like “Love is the Enemy” (1952). Nerina, a feisty redheaded poor relation, dons a blonde wig to take the place of her docile blonde cousin Elizabeth—Who Loves Another—at the altar to marry Sir Rupert Wroth, one of those hard-hearted, woman-hating types. He may have been a politician, I don’t remember that part very well. But I remember that Wroth was, well, wroth, when he discovered the deception, but he couldn’t have the marriage dissolved because Elizabeth was out of reach with her true love, and the heroine actually had the same Christian name as her cousin (Nerina was her middle name). Anyway, couple fought like cat and dog for a while, then began to soften towards each other. Then they had another fight, during which Wroth ripped Nerina’s bodice and tried to get it on with her; she brained him and ran away, possibly to London. She ultimately comes back to him when she hears he’s been injured, though I don’t remember whether it was as a result of her hitting him or not. On hearing his delirious ravings, she realizes that he loves her and they have one of those sickbed reconciliations, complete with rapturous, ellipse-laden declarations of mutual adoration.
If the book isn’t “Sailing to Love,” could this be it?
Eunice said on 09.09.08 at 05:51 PM • [link]
Think of it in the context of “Mounting a horse.” Mount-wood = Climb onto the erection. And since we’re thinking mount as in horses, by association “riding” or “ride”. So basically he’s Earl Ride-Me. (“side to side”)
(And now I have the Captain Hammer voice in my head going, “The wood is my penis.”)
Laurel said on 09.09.08 at 06:17 PM • [link]
Elizabeth,
I’ve read your book, but I’m pretty sure it’s by Susan Fox, not Maria Ferrella. I think it’s To Claim a Wife.
Laurel said on 09.09.08 at 06:18 PM • [link]
Sorry, I meant that message for Alexandra.
Alexandra said on 09.09.08 at 06:27 PM • [link]
You know what, I think you are right but what bother me is :
1. the cover look quite the same even from the french book
2. I pretty sure it was under Maria ferrerella name.
Really weird and many thanks
AgTigress said on 09.09.08 at 06:55 PM • [link]
Yes, I see. As with puns, I can usually see it when it is explained, but this is so far from my initial visual that it is an effort for me. To me, the primary visual sexual association of ‘mount’ is that of a stallion or bull mounting/covering a mare or cow. To be sure, the human woman-astride position is often described as ‘riding’, though I have always found it a poor metaphor.
Anyway, thanks to everyone who has explained why ‘Mountwood’ is so funny. To me, it is not nearly as amusing as the forename of the ineffable Mrs. Palin’s daughter, ‘Bristol’.
:-)
Jackie L. said on 09.09.08 at 08:50 PM • [link]
I haven’t read a Cartland since my teen years (when tacky Lady Babs was still alive, even), but I seem to recall that she had maybe three plots total and reused them unstintingly. But a heroine who wasn’t a total doormat would have been a refreshing change of pace.
I liked the Swedish vacuum commercial that didn’t translate well into American—Our vacuum really sucks.
Catherine said on 09.09.08 at 08:50 PM • [link]
AgTigress, why is Bristol funny? I hate missing the joke.
cynthia said on 09.09.08 at 08:57 PM • [link]
After doing some internet digging, I’m going to agree with Stephanie above about the Cartland book probably being Love is the Enemy. Sailing to Love seems to be fairly recently published (one of the unpublished books during BC’s life according the BC website), and the other book is certainly old enough to have had foreign editions. I remember LitE as being one of the better books of that era.
AgTigress said on 09.09.08 at 09:16 PM • [link]
Catherine: ‘bristol’ is one of the more common mildly vulgar BE slang terms for ‘breast’; as in, ‘my goodness, that’s a fine pair of bristols’.
It is from Cockney rhyming slang. Bristol City = titty. It is used all over the country, however, one of the classic Cockney rhyming slang words that has entered ordinary colloquial speech.
Catherine said on 09.09.08 at 09:28 PM • [link]
Ahhhh… Cockney rhyming slang. My friend tries to use that with me. It drives me insane because I never get it or the point of it. She has to explain it to me. Then it just turns into, “so why didn’t you just say that in the first place?” or “why would I ever associate bread with head?” Lol. Thanks for explaining it to me.
RfP said on 09.09.08 at 09:31 PM • [link]
So did Americans. I’ll never believe the film was named that innocently. It’s a well-known term; President Clinton’s nickname is Slick Willy.
AgTigress, any time you see a pun involving a riding term, suspect sex : ) E.g. when Bareback was printed in the US, the publisher changed the name to Benighted because of the sexual connotations. If anyone mentions the Reverse Cowgirl, it’s a sexual position.
AgTigress said on 09.09.08 at 09:40 PM • [link]
Cockney rhyming slang is deliberately obscure: the whole point of slang is to have an ‘in’ language that defines a group, and that outsiders can’t understand easily. You have caught on to the principle, have you - that the rhyming word is the one that is dropped, so that the word actually used does not rhyme with the translation?
Thus: ‘get up them apples’: apples = ‘stairs’ (apples and pears).
‘‘e’s me old china’: china = ‘mate’ (china plate).
Although the true Cockney dialect is fading a bit these days, rhyming slang continues, and is constantly renewed with contemporary phrases and references, making glossaries obsolete, so it remains obscure to the uninitiated. As I said, ‘bristol’ (and the two I quoted above) has moved out into ordinary colloquial British English, and won’t change.
AgTigress said on 09.09.08 at 09:45 PM • [link]
LOL! I hadn’t heard that.
I always think of riding metaphors as terribly forced and inappropriate. I suppose that this is because, as soon as I see a horse-related term, the visual associations for me instantly become equine, and I have to drag my mind back to sex quite consciously.
:-)
RfP said on 09.09.08 at 09:53 PM • [link]
No centaur sex for you? : )
AgTigress said on 09.09.08 at 10:10 PM • [link]
And the date of that article was not even April 1…
Centaur sex would have been strictly equine, of course, since they had only horse genitalia; also, centauresses seem to have been rather rare (only very occasionally represented in Greek and Roman art), hence the tendency for inebriated centaurs to carry off human women and have their wicked, horsy way with them. This caused a lot of trouble. Female centaurs did have both human breasts and a mare’s udder, an embarrassment of riches for male centaurs fixated on bristols.
Hippocamps and other half-fish Classical monsters must have mated fishy-fashion, since they do not have mammalian genitals. Boring. A few fish species do have an intromittent organ, though (a modified anal fin, known as a gonopodium), so perhaps one could postulate that. I feel a learned paper on the sex-life of hippocamps coming on…
:-D
Catherine said on 09.09.08 at 10:12 PM • [link]
AgTigress:
No I hadn’t caught on to that. *sigh… slow aren’t I?* I just remember her babbling on about a loaf of bread being the slang for head and it not making much sense to me.
I don’t have a problem with having an ‘in’ language, but it’s very frustrating for a friend who’s in the ‘in’ to use it with a friend that she knows is not.
It just seems like it must be confusing because even when you’re in the ‘in’ you won’t know every term. People will keep coming up with new ones so no one will ever completely understand the slang. Someone is always going to have to get a certain expression explained once in a while.
Stella Sandberg said on 09.09.08 at 10:23 PM • [link]
As a Swede, I think “our vacuum really sucks” was ironic, not unintentional. We have borrowed the notion of the word “suck” you’re referring to so not only is the meaning in English widely known, we also use it in Swedish, or at least younger people do. Besides, ironic or just plain weird TV commercials are really big in Sweden. We mostly get the unironic happy-housewife-does-the-cleaning dubbed from German or something, while commercials produced in Sweden mostly depict nerdy types shuffling around in beige retro interiors saying odd things in a deadpan voice. I think the general idea is to get the brand name to stick, and if it’s in a negative context it just seems a little cooler and less like brainwashing.
Molly said on 09.09.08 at 11:31 PM • [link]
I agree with Stephanie - this is definitely “Love is the Enemy,” a book which I have to admit I kind of love…
Malin said on 09.09.08 at 11:55 PM • [link]
And what about that Nordic toilet paper named KRÄP. . . ?
Deb Kinnard said on 09.10.08 at 12:17 AM • [link]
(This is sooo off-topic, but I’m tempted, therefore I yield) long ago, GM built a car they marketed as the Chevy “Nova.” I remember. I had one. It was a piece of rubbish, but in most of North America it sold pretty well.
Not so in Mexico and Central America. They couldn’t figure out why, until someone gently (not so gently?) pointed out that no Spanish speaker would buy a car whose name means “it doesn’t go.”
GrowlyCub said on 09.10.08 at 12:18 AM • [link]
If we are talking about product names that invoke unwanted association, let me add Kotex and Senokot to the list of products about which I always kind of wince-snicker when I see commercials.
In German Kot = excrement. Possibly appropriate in a laxative, even if I cannot think that a desired association, but just not something you want to think about in reference to a feminine hygiene product.
Liz in Australia said on 09.10.08 at 01:19 AM • [link]
Waaaa!!!!
I think they are right. “Love is the enemy”.
I know I read the book described back when I was very young but had to look up what the name would be.
Oh well, maybe I’ll get a chance another time. :-(
Susan/DC said on 09.10.08 at 04:08 AM • [link]
Just FYI, per Snopes.com, the story about the Chevy Nova not selling in Latin America isn’t true.
http://www.snopes.com/business/misxlate/nova.asp
Lee Rowan said on 09.10.08 at 05:44 AM • [link]
the solution to all his issues in her hand luggage.
Why does this make me think she’d found some sort of hand-carved sex toy…?
To me, “Mountwood” sounds more like a sly hint that the gentleman was more interested in the footmen than the chambermaids.
And the Snopes thing may be true, but I worked with a Hispanic guy who used to kid me about my Chevy No-va, so even if it didn’t affect sales, it didn’t go unnoticed.
eaeaea said on 09.10.08 at 01:24 PM • [link]
Us Aussies love Canadians - especially those wearing sweaters emblazoned with the brand ‘ROOTS’. Down under slang for planting the seed, so to speak.
Deb Kinnard said on 09.10.08 at 03:08 PM • [link]
Drat! I hate when Snopes is right and I’m not!
However, we didn’t have Snopes in ‘68, when I had my Nova. So we had noplace to check. It’s a great story, so it circulated rather widely at the time, considering those of us whose Novas really didn’t go.
Even if it isn’t true, it shoulda been!
Jackie L. said on 09.10.08 at 05:43 PM • [link]
SavOn Drugs had to change from Osco Drugs because in Mexican slang osco means nausea (but not in a polite way I’ve been told.) Imagine shopping at Puke Em Up Drugs.
To Stella Sandberg, I am half Swede myself, so I think I can mock the Swedes occasionally. Trust me the Irish half of me is much meaner to the Irish. (‘Course they’re more risible.)
Trix said on 09.11.08 at 12:56 PM • [link]
As for Brits not being au fait with various uses of horsey terms, perhaps if you are a horse/countryside person, you think of that first rather than assorted lewdness. Because all my UK friends would have been well onto Lord Mountwood (but, hey, we’re mainly in our 30s and urban), not to mention Jilly Cooper and her Riders roman a clef.
Yeah, Australians and their “crack a fat one”. Gotta love ‘em. I found out today that “pack a sad” (=be miserable, or can be applied to inanimate objects that aren’t working) is a NZ-only slang term. Who knew? Of course, in NZ, “hard case” means that someone is hilarious, not a crim. I learned it was fairly specific slang when I was living in England and inadvertently insulted someone.
Nee S said on 09.11.08 at 02:27 PM • [link]
Oddly enough, I saw a program on tv recently about a family that sells wooden vibrators (in Bavaria, I think). The son does the rough cutting, the father does the fine carving, and the daughter packages them for the mail-order business. (I don’t remember what the mom does.) Anyhow, that could have been an option. :)
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