Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Thanks a lot.  Now I have to go pluck out my eyes, but not because my eye offendeth me, but because you Smart Bitches totally offendeth my eyes.

Oh god! You Hoffed me! My eyes, My eyes…

Where is Kit? He was the sexy one.

the deal went down like this:
Hoff baby! Yeah we had this really great idea over drinks last night! Ok, hear us out…ready for it?...Shar-Pei’s!!  Yeah dude, those wrinkly dogs! Chicks love them!

Oh sweet baby Jesus.

That picture was originally published in the May 1990 issue of Cosmopolitan.

I couldn’t remember the exact issue, but I remembered it coming out when I was in high school and looking at the picture with all the other drama nerds.

That’s an image that you will never ever be able to forget.

The exact citation cause I just looked it up:

That Cosmopolitan man: David Hasselhoff. (pull-out centerfold).
      Cosmopolitan v208.n5 (May 1990): pp324A(4).

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

IT’S BIG AND WRINKLY!

Oh, dear, that really isn’t nice.  And now I’ve just remembered my dream last night about puppies and somehow it’s now all confused with David Hasselhoff. 

Excuse me, I need to call my therapist!

I really wanted to be able to say “Hey, Don’t Hassel the Hoff”, but methinks he didn’t *quite* think through the consequences of having people link wrinkly shar pei’s with his nudity.

Though perhaps he’s really some kind of twisted genius and he wants people to be in a suspended state between horror and laughter when they look at him.  Because I gotta’ admit, it’s certainly unique and memorable.

Those poor puppies!

So THAT’s what an uncircumcized one looks like…

He looks like he’s doing crunches. I guess if you have a “poochy” tummy, crunches are in order.

Did *nobody* involved look at that and consider what it might look like to the unsuspecting? Nekkid Hasselhoff, good. Cute puppies, good. Combination of nekkid Hasslehoff and cute puppies—not good.

I’m gonna have nightmares tonight about the KnightRider in a menage with a couple of cute and fluffy weres.

If he knew how ridiculous that looks, then he gets some serious Shatner points.  But somehow I don’t think he was in on the joke.

“Oh-hhh, Dave—is that a dog in your lap, or are you just happy to see me?”

OMG. I can’t believe you actually went and did it.

I actually pulled that pic from Portal of Evil’s Random LJ Image Generator. God bless the Internet.

I still can’t believe you actually went and did it.

*dies laughing*

Poor bugger, he really needs to get those tumors looked at. They’ve got great surgery options for that kind of thing these days!

All I can say is….why???  Why, why, why???  Those poor little pooches.

That’s really kind of creepy.  Nice pseudo-schlong:  wrinkled puppy leg.  Plus there’s the whole staged bent arm with hand behind the head thing.  Cree-py.

(father99 is the code word.  Now THAT would be creepy.)

Ah, centerfold.  Where do you think the staple went?

Confirmation word:  area19, sort of like area 51 but less mature?

Grrr-OSS!

But at least the puppies are cute.

Poor puppies!! How can they handle the vile stench that is Hasselhoff? I mean the guy loves himself so much his hands SURELY must be permanently deformed in a perpetual wanker’s cramp.

ACK!

Haha, I’ve totally seen this before already, but have yet to figure out who thought it was a good idea to have a naked Hoff pose with Sharpei puppies.  ????  Such a weird combination.

Ewwwwwwww!!!!!

Who thought that was a good idea?!

The question you bitches asked was “Was it good for you?”

The answer…NO - A THOUSAND TIMES NO

“I’m gonna have nightmares tonight about the KnightRider in a menage with a couple of cute and fluffy weres.”

Hey, who told you the plot to the next Anita Blake book???

And thanks for that Hoff pix.  I’m using it to traumatize friends and family from afar.

I think Hoff was pretty pissed myself…

He’s flipping the camera off w/that hand by the lucky puppy that is not in his lap…

Sam

Okay, can I just somehow unsee that? Even goatse didn’t get the level of EWWWWWW out of me that this pic does. I could’ve happily lived the rest of my life without seeing that. Life needs an “erase browsing history” button.

Am I the only one who thinks we should report him to PETA?

My word is price91—it would be worth any price to NOT have that image in my brain. 

I’ll never be able to look at a dog like that again without seeing an afterburn image of David attached to it.

Words fail me. Call the RSPCA.

Those puppies grew up and bit some dude as soon as their adult teeth came in, I bet.

Where is Kit? He was the sexy one.

I KNOW! When I was little, I wanted to *live* in that car. He was smart, he had a lovely voice, and we could go everwhere ! (and, now that I think of it with an adult’s naughty brain, I bet he could even make his seats vibrate, if he wanted. ;)

Eeew. Just…eeew.

My EYES!!

Ummm…  I…  Ummm…

Ewwwww

:leaves to scrub frontal lobe:

why dont men like short fat wrinkly women?
once the menapause hair kicks in, i could be one of those puppies LOL

MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look how disgruntled the Hoff looks!  You know he’s thinking, “All right, I said I’d like to fuck a couple young bitches, but I didn’t mean…”