Bitchin' Blog Posts
Flaunting the Cactus: Caption That Cover!
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | May 09, 2011 | Monday at 10:55 am | 68 CommentsTeri S. sent me the following book cover, saying that it HAD to be an excellent book, what with the cover and the title.
Now, I think that’s hilarious. Almost as hilarious as the couple embracing in the avocado field, which, according to the person who was looking for that book, features the tagline, “The avocado farm was going well, but who could have predicted Jane’s brain aneurysm?....” Wow. From One More Chance among the avocodos to A Flaunting Cactus, old-old-skool Harlequin titles are as much fun as the newer-old-skool titles they’ve recently stopped using.
(NB: I was reading a Sara Craven book, The Highest Stakes Of All, which was pretty much about a woman who allows her long-absent con-artist father to re-enter her life and treat her as a hot distracting accessory to his poker games, all but prostituting her while insisting she pose as his niece. I couldn’t help but wonder what the title would have been had Harlequin not switched their title style. The Assmunch Absent Father’s Highest Stakes? Folded By The Greek Billionaire’s Disdain? Overboard: Where Her Father Was Thrown?)
Anyway, I digress. Since Teri sent me that cover, I’ve found myself wondering what the hell a Flaunting Cactus is. I mean, I know it’s a prick but it is also PRICKLY? If I’m not in a desert climate, do I look for Flaunting Daffodils? What does the title MEAN? Yet Teri and I still don’t know what it means.
So in a variation of Caption That Cover, please, tell me: what’s a flaunting cactus? Don’t Google the book itself - that’ll spoil the fun! Is the Flaunting Cactus the dance they’re doing? Are those balloons in PERIL? (Summon Balloony Tunes to the rescue!)
Winner of the best caption or explanation as voted by me (but feel free to pimp your fave) will get a $25 gift card to the bookstore of his/her choice. Standard disclaimers apply: I am not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Watch that cactus. Do not under any circumstances get caught between the moon and New York City. You’ve got 24 hours to hook me up with a viable explanation or caption.
Please, PLEASE, help us out here: What the hell is a Flaunting Cactus?!
Filed: Caption This Cover, General Bitching
Tagged: harlequin, cover snark, cover controversy, caption that cover, bookstore
Emily said on 05.09.11 at 11:24 AM • [link]
Flaunting cactus: typically an action used when the male of the species (human or otherwise) begins a celebratory dance in front of his desired mate. This is usually performed sans pants and may include either gel for the you-know-where-hair or an unwelcome inflammatory rash. The female is expected to stare in wild-eyed rapture although she has been known to flee - this is a recent development and should not be expected in cases pre-late twentieth century.
Also a highly intoxicating rum drink. Avoid at all costs. The ultimate weapon for Animal House-wannabes.
MissQuoted said on 05.09.11 at 11:50 AM • [link]
Flaunting the Cactus: slang term for when a looner (balloon fetishist) attempts to pop his balloon with a variety of different objects such as thorns, cactus needles, hat pins, etc .. .till the balloon actually explodes ending his sexual gratification.
I know what this book is all about.
Tina C. said on 05.09.11 at 11:51 AM • [link]
“Flaunting Cactus” is a little-used British expression, much like “preening peacock”, that is used when someone is a prick and is not just proud of it, he puts his prickishness on display whenever possible.
Example: Charlie Sheen, that flaunting cactus, sold-out another of his “Torpedo of Truth” trainwrecks, er..“shows”, again—a sign of the Apocalypse if ever there was one.
DKC said on 05.09.11 at 11:52 AM • [link]
Does anyone else get a mental image of a cactus grooming itself? Like an anthropomorphic cactus putting hair gel on it’s prickles and preening in front of a mirror?
Sarah A-B said on 05.09.11 at 11:55 AM • [link]
Flaunting Cactus: if you need to ask what it is, then you
deserve to be pricked by one ;-)
redcrow said on 05.09.11 at 12:32 PM • [link]
Non-witty answer, but that thas my first thought: the weird pairing/ship name. (“Ship” in the fannish meaning of the word - “I want those characters to be together/believe they are together”, not “ship” as a mode of transportation.) Most people either go with “X/Y” or use a portmanteau of characters’ names… but there’s also this:
http://forums.fictionalley.org/park/showthread.php?s=&threadid=4591
I think “Flaunting Cactus” wouldn’t look out of place on that list.
Mickie T said on 05.09.11 at 01:00 PM • [link]
I’ll just say to whoever came up with that title: I do not think it means what you think it means.
It sounds really uncomfortable, though!
Deadline Hell said on 05.09.11 at 01:17 PM • [link]
Flaunting Cactus is
an inwardly chafing form
of the prickly pair.
Galadriel said on 05.09.11 at 01:21 PM • [link]
The Flaunting Cactus is a rare species of animal related to the hedgehog. Unlike the hedgehog, however, the flaunting cactus lives in deserts, does not make a good pet, and when threatened, does not roll itself into a ball. Instead, it freezes, its arms lifted up in a U formation, mimicking the saguaro cactus plant in the hopes of being mistaken for same.
More importantly, “flaunting the cactus” is a slang term in direct opposition to the famous saying/song, “The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All.” As a result of an impressive amount of research by very dedicated scientists, their conclusions show that unlike his hedgehog cousin, the flaunting cactus is relatively easy to bugger. However, it is not advised that amateurs attempt to reproduce these experiments for their own edification without appropriate body armour, a pair of tweezers, and a full box of bandaids.
Diatryma said on 05.09.11 at 02:07 PM • [link]
A flaunting cactus is actually related to the recent discovery that humans lack the gene to make penises spiny. Some men are called Neanderthals, others are throwbacks to a far, far earlier stage of evolution. They do not become erect so much as weaponized, and they are the only people for whom ‘impale’ can be used in a sex scene.
TeriAnne Stanley said on 05.09.11 at 02:19 PM • [link]
I am SO grateful that ya’ll are helping me figure this out. I am on chapter four of the Flaunting Cactus, and I still don’t know what it’s about. There is a heroine who’s got a deadbeat boyfriend, a hero with a deadbeat girlfriend, and an old lady who is trying to manipulate people into doing her will…we just aren’t yet sure what that is, yet. No mention of cacti.
I am pretty sure this is set in South Africa, however!
SB Sarah said on 05.09.11 at 02:24 PM • [link]
@TeriAnne: Maybe the old lady is the cactus?
Katlyn Costello said on 05.09.11 at 02:31 PM • [link]
In a selfless attempt to distribute all of the disturbing imagery possible, I offer my opinion.
Flaunting Cactus: a sexual position imitating a saguaro. (You know, for those die-hard botanists among us who like to take their work home…)
Sarah S. said on 05.09.11 at 02:47 PM • [link]
It’s a gymnastics dismount, of course.
Though it appears in a somewhat…different context in the novel.
Joy said on 05.09.11 at 03:08 PM • [link]
Flaunting cacti show their pricks.
Delphine Dryden said on 05.09.11 at 03:20 PM • [link]
I think this Harlequin was ahead of its time, presenting both scientific information integral to the plot, and giving us a hero who overcomes a potentially heartbreaking congenital condition to find true love. It’s clear the hero has vestigial penile spines, similar to those still sported by many primates today. And the cover picture, while unfortunate, alludes to that condition brilliantly; like any young man tends to do when engaging in that lascivious, godless slow-dancing with his ladyfriend…the hero is “flaunting cactus.”
JaniceG said on 05.09.11 at 03:21 PM • [link]
The Flaunting Cactus is attending the same party as the dancing couple and, in a fit of drunken flaunting, claimed it could burst with its thorns all the balloons everyone tossed up in the air before they hit the ground. Yeehah!
Jessica Lemmon said on 05.09.11 at 03:27 PM • [link]
Teri S., you’re cracking me up, both with your book find and your comment! You’re also inspiring me to scour local goodwills and thrift stores for finds.
This book appears to be the untold tale of Mommy Dearest and Rock Hudson. Maybe Flaunting the Cactus is about that oddly uncomfortable and awkward romance before they went on to their infamy.
Elizabeth said on 05.09.11 at 03:52 PM • [link]
This term comes from The Fallible Fiend, by L. Sprague de Camp an early fantasy novel in which a demon has been forced into servitude at a circus. At one point he is ordered to sleep with a woman, and out pops his penis, which is covered in needles. She naturally declines and it retracts back inside the demon. No, Really. You can buy this on Amazon.
Obviously, I infer that this means that in certain fantasy circles, a demon with its junk out has come to be referred to as flaunting one’s cactus. It logically follows that this book is an early paranormal romance, and that a quiet loner gets taken to prom by a demon who most likely sparkles in the sunlight. This then became a little-known precursor to the famous Twilight series, and is finally receiving the recognition it deserves.
Donna D. said on 05.09.11 at 03:58 PM • [link]
Okay, that made me LOL so hard I choked on my coffee.
Cathy said on 05.09.11 at 04:09 PM • [link]
A “flaunting cactus” is a slang term in the Southwest for a transvestite prostitute. Beautiful to look at, but if you get too close, out pops the prick(er).
Kris Bock said on 05.09.11 at 04:12 PM • [link]
As a resident of New Mexico, I can say with absolute authority because I just made it up that a Flaunting Cactus is a slang term for a female who flaunts her beauty (much like the cactus in bloom) but when you get too close you suffer from her cruel jabs. Also known as a Red Berry—as in, “Don’t eat Red Berries. They’re poisonous.”
quichepup said on 05.09.11 at 04:16 PM • [link]
I don’t know why but I’m imagining a big tricked out lowrider with spiky fins, flames on the side called the Flaunting Cactus. Owned by the dude in the dinner jacket, he’s a secret street racer by night. By day he’s an international playboy and semi-professional prom date. He learns the lady is a rival street racer and he’s trying to sprain her her driving hand by bending it back, so she can’t race against him later that night. Because he cannot bear to compete against her, true lurve, y’know.
At least that’s what I imagine.
Tamara Hogan said on 05.09.11 at 04:33 PM • [link]
A flaunting cactus? He’s gotta be her beard.
Abby said on 05.09.11 at 04:34 PM • [link]
The Flaunting Cactus is an advanced yoga pose traditionally performed by men, though women can perform it with the help of specialized equipment.
Sorcha Mowbray said on 05.09.11 at 04:43 PM • [link]
A flaunting cactus is a reference to the gyrations of her pelvis two-three days after shaving. See, the hairs get so long they can poke right through the thin material of her sundress, and since she’s not wearing any panties (heh!) she is then sporting a Flaunting Cactus. It is a derogatory term from the same creator as Bat Wings.
Proper usage by a guy: “She came at me with that Flaunting Cactus and I jerked my equipment away afraid of permanent damage. One poke was enough, so no, we didn’t slow dance.”
Lady T said on 05.09.11 at 04:51 PM • [link]
My research tells me that a flaunting cactus is the biological trigger for what is commonly known as “purple passion”-symptoms include bad ballroom dancing,surrounding yourself with different shades of purple while ignoring it’s constant presence and of course,severe scrotum bruising.
Some have tried to ward off purple passion with doses of the cactus flower but that only inflames the condition,with the additional side effect of obsessively watching Goldie Hawn movies.
If that happens,take two Kate Hudson films and call into work the next morning.
Kismet said on 05.09.11 at 04:58 PM • [link]
Flaunting Cactus: Your zipper’s down
SAM I Was, SAH I Am now.. said on 05.09.11 at 04:59 PM • [link]
Hahahahahahaha!!!! I am sooo using your term, Sorcha Mowbray, when I’m feeling lazy. Love it!
U.A.C said on 05.09.11 at 05:01 PM • [link]
“Flaunting Cactus” is acutally the guy’s luchador alter ego that spectacularly comes to life while he’s in the ring…
The Flaunting Cactus is a true sight to behold! So manly as he parades his beefy body, promenading to the chants of the spectators! Then, swift as lightning, he swoops in to disable his opponent with his famous two fingered prickly cactus eye poke maneuver.
Later tonight, he has plans on showing some lucky lady another of his prickly cactus maneuvers that he’s famous for…hint, hint, wink,wink. Because he’s feeling…a little thorny.
Cyranetta said on 05.09.11 at 05:09 PM • [link]
Actually the Flaunting Cactus is an industrial spy who had most recently been disguised as a participant in a Rio de Janeiro Carnaval float. The couple on the cover have to figure out some way to keep the spy in hiding and have already eliminated balloons as a good camouflage technique. The author was inspired by Lauren Willig’s “Pink Carnation” series.
LizW65 said on 05.09.11 at 05:19 PM • [link]
Prolonged projectile vomiting after a night of doing flaming tequila shots is known in fraternity circles as “flaunting the cactus”.
Lynn S. said on 05.09.11 at 05:26 PM • [link]
I want to know what drugs these people are on. I’ll take a guess at the real meaning because the term itself defies humor, when cacti are flaunting, nothing more need be said. It probably means that the heroine is prickly (euphemism for bitchy) but love brings her into bloom (read: makes her less abrasive and therefore more worthy of love) although that makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with just being a cactus.
Personally, I’m more interesting in renaming that particularly vile-sounding Sara Craven book.
cleo said on 05.09.11 at 05:32 PM • [link]
OMG. I think I have a flaunting cactus - an actual plant, not a spiny penis, that is. My husband brought home several cute little cacti plants recently. Last week I noticed that one, the bigger, spinier one, had flaunted its spines right into my poor aloe plant. Seriously, two spines pierced one of the aloe leaves. It looked like a plant assassination attempt.
Philippa said on 05.09.11 at 05:32 PM • [link]
I think it’s a heart shaped cactus like this:-
http://gnuhaus.com/iblog/cactus_heart_big.jpg
inkjade said on 05.09.11 at 05:33 PM • [link]
Flaunting Cactus:
(n) A particular type of condom.
(v) The awkward walk of a man crossing the bedroom while wearing the above-mentioned condom.
hapax said on 05.09.11 at 05:49 PM • [link]
I dunno. After staring slackjawed at the cover, all I can think of is:
HEROINE: Dear, I don’t mean to make you self-conscious, but… you’ve got a little ... something .... in your right nostril.
HERO: I know! It’s spiky! It’s succulent! It makes me want to BOOGER DOWN with you!
HEROINE: Well, I guess if you’ve got it, flaunt it.
Alyssa Cole said on 05.09.11 at 05:50 PM • [link]
A flaunting cactus is your typical type A romance hero; he brags about how many chicks he’s pricked and how he doesn’t need a woman around to water him on a regular basis, but in the end his spiny nature is a front for someone who’s actually a softy on the inside.
Jason said on 05.09.11 at 05:52 PM • [link]
Flaunting Cactus: A little known sexual act usually performed in a room full of balloons. Also known as the ‘prickly pear’ which describes the outwardly spiked genital piercings of the male. The goal of the male is to ritually relieve the female’s maidenhood with as much force as possible without popping a single balloon. If successful, the man is then given the woman as his bride (if she survives the act).
Amitatuq said on 05.09.11 at 05:57 PM • [link]
I’ve decided that the book is an old-skool harsh version of shifter novels. He is a were-cat. A were-tomcat. And I think we all remember being traumatized by pictures of cat penises. So when he’s happy to see her, that’s the cactus he’s flaunting.
lay56: I wouldn’t even lay that once!
Laura Vivanco said on 05.09.11 at 06:51 PM • [link]
Lynn S, I think you’re right. You can see tiny snippets of the book via Google Books and on page 78 there’s this:
Over at fictiondb there’s a synopsis and it seems that the flaunting cactus has a friend called Holly:
The “flaunting cactus” would seem to be a phrase from a poem, “Of Hidden Uses” by Martin Farquhar Tupper. It begins by mentioning the useful properties of a variety of plants.
henofthewoods said on 05.09.11 at 07:01 PM • [link]
They are daredevils who are so superstitious that they don’t use the word death when they say “flaunting death” - instead they substitute “cactus”. You should hear them at a funeral.
I’m not even reading any of the above comments until later today, but I don’t think this will repeat someone else’s idea.
KiriD said on 05.09.11 at 07:39 PM • [link]
Flaunt: To show off.
Cactus: a succulent plant with spines.
A Flaunting Cactus then is a Cactus that shows off. Wait that can’t be right, but it is, it is the dictionary definition.
I am going to have to go with this idea instead. A Flaunting Cactus is a woman who Shows off how good she thinks she is at suc(culenting) a man.
Jayne said on 05.09.11 at 07:47 PM • [link]
It’s a prick in your succulents. HEYO
John C. Bunnell said on 05.09.11 at 08:07 PM • [link]
Hypothetical jacket copy:
Madeleine San Saguaro had inherited a small fortune from her late father—but she’d need a large one to keep the family balloon-making business from being permanently popped. The only possible solution? The prickly heiress had to convince ne’er-do-well millionaire Ryder Letterbuck to marry her assets to his portfolio of carnival-goods companies. That meant the Cactus Queen had to flaunt something more attractive than her needle-sharp tongue—and to discover the hidden depths of the man his enemies described as a living ventriloquist’s dummy.
Yamyam said on 05.09.11 at 08:53 PM • [link]
Two words (and forgive me for being rude here)
Cactus Envy
snethet said on 05.09.11 at 09:13 PM • [link]
It’s kind of a bummer that I had to take my mom to the prom. Maybe if I act like I’m making out with her, no one will notice.
PamG said on 05.09.11 at 09:15 PM • [link]
The Flaunting Cactus is an exciting and romantic tale (a la DaVinci Code) of an intense art collector and passionate insurance adjuster who team up to discover Georgia O’Keeffe’s lost masterpiece, The Flaunting Cactus, created in her declining years as a response to all the Freudian alpholes who had trouble recognizing flowers for 50 years. Fascinated by the artist’s “prickly personality,” our hero and heroine become totally fixated on O’Keeffe’s legendary “sexguaro,” long hidden and secretly worshiped by a cult of balloon sculpting clowns named Spike.
Tx jenny said on 05.09.11 at 09:23 PM • [link]
Anyone else think the balloons on the cover look like super-hero egg chasers? if you got it, mr. cactus, flaunt it!
Pria said on 05.09.11 at 10:24 PM • [link]
I’m also going with the shifter theory but I say she is the shifter—she can shift into a cactus. Look at her dress (bright flowers)—it obviously indicates a cactus lives within her, just waiting to be flaunted.
I’m not quite sure what the benefits of shifting into a cactus are—the ability to survive on very little water? she’s super prickly so villains can be stung? She moonlights as a boxer so can jab her enemies?—but she definitely has a spine, which is more than can be said for quite a few old skool heroines [sorry! it was difficult to resist the puns :-)]
ninjapenguin said on 05.09.11 at 11:40 PM • [link]
Jessi was one of the best Mad Lib authors in the business, but her career seemed to preclude dreams of romance. Then on the New Years Eve cruise, she met Matt, a lounge singer, and immediately found herself arguing—and flirting—with the __adjective__ man. Tall, dark, and with an enormous __synonym_for_prick__, he was everything she’d thought she’d never find in a partner. But could this vacation fling turn into a permanent romance? Or would she have to give up __A_FLAUNTING_CACTUS__?
Lucy Woodhull said on 05.09.11 at 11:50 PM • [link]
The Flaunting Cactus: A sexual move only attempted once in the annals (heh) of romance, by a Harlequin hero named Guy McHairspray in 1988. The move, a combination of turgid thrusting, whispering silkily, and making decisions for the heroine’s own good, failed so spectacularly that Guy had to be put in traction. Oh, and there was a pommel horse. When the heroine, Mary Sue Picket, visited Guy in the hospital after the attempted Flaunting Cactus she met a handsome doctor who didn’t force-kiss her once, leading to her defection mid-way through the book, in a move that’s now know as the dreaded “Flapping Hippopotamus.” No matter how many times Guy subsequently kidnapped Mary Sue, she would not fall in love with him, which is why the Flaunting Cactus is avoided by romance authors ever since.
Chelsea said on 05.10.11 at 12:47 AM • [link]
Flaunting the Cactus involves leaving one’s armpits unshaven for several days and then proceeding to don one’s flowered evening gown and dance through a cloud of balloons with one’s unwanted romantic pursuer.
April said on 05.10.11 at 01:24 AM • [link]
You guys are way too good. I’m too busy laughing to come up with anything amusing myself.
All I could think was that A Flaunting Cactus had to be a professional male escort - showing off his prick for money.
morwen said on 05.10.11 at 02:02 AM • [link]
A Flaunting Cactus refers to a specific type of alpha male. On the outside he’s sharp and prickly, but once you’ve cut him open you realize that he’s really refreshing water.
EC Spurlock said on 05.10.11 at 02:06 AM • [link]
This is a flaunting cactus:
http://www.girlswithslingshots.com/comic/gws132/
miz_geek said on 05.10.11 at 02:48 AM • [link]
We used to go out to the Flaunting Cactus all the time. Good music, cheap drinks, and great Tex-Mex food. Too bad they shut it down for all those health code violations.
Laura Xixi said on 05.10.11 at 03:04 AM • [link]
flaunting cactus (n): a (primarily male) hair-do, sometimes known as a “reverse mullet”. Originally intended as an alternative to wearing an erect phallus on one’s head to advertise one’s manliness, the flaunting cactus has also acquired a secondary meaning in the martial art known as “offensive hair styling”: if properly constructed with enough hair gel, a flaunting cactus can be used to poke out an opponent’s eye. Also useful for preventing dance partners for getting too up in your grill.An excellent example can be seen in this cover on the male model.
captcha: volume69: yes, with the right amount of volumizer you could…wait…no, pausing that thought right there.
Jemma said on 05.10.11 at 03:59 AM • [link]
Maybe it is because we just has an election here in Canada, but at first glance I read “Flatulating Caucus”
Apparently at the Conservative Party’s election win celebration last Monday, the guacamole was a little too potent.
JamesLynch said on 05.10.11 at 04:12 AM • [link]
Flaunting the cactus: Euphemism #438,925 for male masturbation, this one involves a substantial amount of masochism due to the use of an actual cactus. Details are pretty painful, but suffice it to say the person who “flaunts his cactus” should be sure to have a tweezer handy for afterwards.
Kayla said on 05.10.11 at 04:18 AM • [link]
Determined Bob knew show-off Sue would play hard to get…but he didn’t know she could be as prickly as her legs!
A FLAUNTING CACTUS
Phedre said on 05.10.11 at 04:32 AM • [link]
A rare case of a erect furry penis recently shaved sporting a five o’clock shadow
Theresa said on 05.10.11 at 04:49 AM • [link]
Ok, the Flaunting Cactus did catch my attention but I was quickly diverted by the sperm-like balloons and streamers. The little swimmers are heading toward the heroine….Am I the only one who saw this?
spamword: army58. I stand corrected, the army of little swimmers heading toward the heroine…
Chelsea B. said on 05.10.11 at 06:07 AM • [link]
She has no idea, like the rest of us, but—ow! She’s pretty sure it’s poking her in the stomach.
Diva said on 05.10.11 at 06:29 AM • [link]
Flaunting Cactus is an early precursor of the much itchier and more painful Flaming Cactus characterized by the telltale rash whose pattern is suggestive of…balloons floating away.
Also, what is with the cover? Old people go to prom? Scary Dynasty extra seduces the caterwaiter?
Bets said on 05.10.11 at 08:07 AM • [link]
The mating dance of spiky haired adolescent punks, rarely seen in captivity.
Merry said on 05.10.11 at 10:38 AM • [link]
Wow. I don’t have a witty caption (I’ve been having too much fun reading all the submissions to think of my own), but I realized thanks to this cover that you know you’re a ballroom dancer when the first thing you think is “PUT YOUR SHOULDERS DOWN, WOMAN.”
SusanL said on 05.10.11 at 11:49 AM • [link]
Quite simply, calling someone a Flaunting Cactus is a more genteel way of calling them a Preening Prick.
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