Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Reliving high school social interaction at age 26 isn’t a fate I’d wish on anyone

No sh*t!

What works for a guy in HS does not always translate to the real adult world. This guys sounds creep weird to me, not unlike a creepy character I wrote in my first (unpublished) manuscript. I would do what I could to distance myself and ignore him, taking particular pains to make sure he didn’t follow me home or discover my address. Staring at you in a class is one thing, obsessing about you otherwise borders on stalking.

And yes, the heroine of a novel would look out for herself not only by shutting down the creep but also by picking out a worthy hero. Assuming that there is anyone else, ask one of your fellow male students out for coffee after class. You have a fifty fifty chance of success and absolutely nothing to lose :)

It sounds more like this guy is trying to intimidate and harass you. Romance-wise, he’s a villain, not a hero.

My password is set78. Set up 78 boundaries between you and this guy!

Spot on advice!

If this were tv and I’d been flipping channels so I didn’t know what I was watching I’d think I was about to watch a drama.  Criminal Minds maybe?  It’s the perfect first five minutes of the show set-up.  If it were a romance?  Well, I know which guy I’ve got picked as the candidate for creepy stalker that the hero has to shoot.  I’d not only ignore this guy, I’d cross the street to avoid him.

Mind you, I do read a LOT of romantic suspense.  Maybe my creep-o-meter is set on full stun?

Great advice. I’d ignore him and act like he didn’t exist until he grew up enough to approach me and have an adult conversation.  If he’s not capable of that, he’s not worth your time.  Move on and leave him to his high school games.

As I started reading it, my first thought was “Oh noes! A real-life Edward Cullen!” Run! Run away!

But seriously, that’s creepy. I’d be moving way beyond the flattered stage and into confrontational territory (and I’m on the shy side when it comes to guys too) and ask him why he was staring all the time. “Do I have 2 heads or something?” But I wouldn’t be wasting my time on this game/dance garbage. There are probably other guys who are interested but not even noticed because this weirdo is drawing all your attention.

I have to agree that the crazy giggling…well, that would have just plain scared me. LOL

I’m trying to imagine why any man would keep staring at a woman and never approach. Any good motivation at all?? I’ve got nothing.

Creepy stalker guy is what he sounds like—so, no no no.

I have to agree with everyone else - this guy’s actions are not normal or romantic and he is NOT shy. My first thought is that he is a passive-aggressive bully who enjoys getting a reaction out of you with all this weirdness. It worked in high school and here it is 10 years later, working again. I highly recommend ignoring him 100% from now on. And try to strike up a friendship with someone else in the class so that you have a little more insulation from this creep.

I’m with the majority here:  He’s Creepy.

I say cut him loose from your attentions, but at the same time, Be Careful.  This sounds an awful lot like someone that could turn into a stalker or worse.  Take care of yourself, and trust your instincts.

Sounds like a restraining order waiting to happen.  You could always walk right up to him and ask what’s with all the staring.  However, I’ve always thought that sometimes the intense hero in romanceland would translate to a stalker in the real world.  Maybe I’ve been watching to many criminal channels on tv.

I will also cast my vote for creepy. Smoldering looks for a short while is exciting. After that, it’s harassment.

I feel quite differently then everyone else. I think your self-consciousness is clouding your judgement to read the situation as it really is.  Rather than being creepy, I just think this fellow is a bit socially awkward. Be bold, ask him to meet you for coffee after class (separate cars, a well-populated place, you’re no fool). Perhaps he just needs a friend. I feel so much is misconstrued through assumption—what you interpreted as a manic laugh could just be nerves on his part.

Unless you are secretly enjoying the thought of being in the center of a gothic romance?

Creepy stalker dude, definitely. And Bully who likes to play games. He’s an ass. Ignore him, but be aware of where he’s at from a safety standpoint.
spamword: returned99 This dude returned 99 times and didn’t speak up once.

Having dealt with something similar in high school, (oh, many many years ago) I’d vote for the confrontation and get it over with.  Take control of the game. Just ask up front. “What’s with all the staring? Do you have something to ask me or are you just playing a game?”

Either A, he’s been crushed on you a long, long time and always felt you were too smart for him and he’s genuinely unsure of how to talk to you for fear of revealing his own stupidity (this happens with girls who think they are geeky in high school more often than you think); or B, as the wise bitchery has told you, he’s just stalker material enjoying subtle power by getting a reaction out of you.

If he doesn’t come up with a suitable answer to your direct question, look him straight in the eye and tell him he needs to stop. That way there’s no misscommunication/him thinking you’re playing hard to get, etc.

A romance heroine I’d like to read about would walk right up to this guy and say, “Your behavior makes me really uncomfortable.  Is there a reason for it?” 

Shy and Bewildered is spending WAY too much time and energy on this creep.  And he is a creep. 

She’s letting him victimize her and needs to turn the tables.

I had a guy in high school that did the same thing. In my senior year he threatened to kill me.  He then stalked me for ten years before finally killing himself.

Stay away from this guy.

Stay Far. Far. Ffar. Away.

(ok..my captcha is: away 22. Keep a 22 foot distance away from the freak at all times.)

If I didn’t know any better, I could swear I had written parts of this letter.

This happened to me in a University night class where I noticed this guy kept staring at me, walk me to the bathroom, walk me to the subway. We were the only two ‘day’ students and apparently he was in some of my other classes but I never noticed.

It got creepy when he rode the subway ‘to make sure I got home safe’. (I purposely went in the wrong direction). I am a storng believer in going with your gut and I was extremely uncomfortable and wierded out so, I confronted him one day and said this was really creepy behaviour and that I wasn’t interested so please stop being my shadow. He came back all shocked and said he ‘didn’t feel that way about me’ and heck sure could have fooled me. I checked in with the other girls of my graduating class and this was his MO and ‘it didn’t mean anything’. Their words not his or mine.  Which incensed me because that’s how we as females end up in these kind of bad situations when you brush behaviour like this aside.

I can be a bit in your face sometimes but if this is not something that you are comfortable with, maybe ask him to go for a coffee during a break in class. It keeps it short and you have an out. You can then react accordingly to his response.

My personal preference though is to ignore this guy. If he’s not man enough to own up to an interest, then I say his loss. And to Sarah’s point, if he hasn’t changed in 10 years, is he really worth the time you’ve already spent analyzing essentially creepy behaviour. The fact that you’ve stepped out of your comfort zone to approach him first shows guts and I think you should focus your attention on someone who is willing to reciprocate in a positive manner.

As always whatever you choose to do, be it ignore him or approach him, be careful and keep safe and you can never go wrong with going with what your gut tells you.

verification word: Act79 - why yes, actions do speak louder than words and this guy’s actions don’‘t make him hero worthy

At worst he’s being creepy stalker dude. At the least he’s immature and shy and hasn’t moved beyond high school tactics but then again I’m not so sure you have either.

Both of you maybe shy as can be but at 26 and as former classmates you both have a pretty good conversation starter. Even if you weren’t friends in high school you should both be able to approach the other with a “hey, didn’t you go to such and such high school?” and go from there. Your “hi” is good but it’s nothing more than what any casual acquaintance would get.

It sounds like neither one of you truly want to move beyond the staring and occasional “hi” so either you start ignoring him or tell him “dude, stop staring, you’re creepy” or you may have to be the one to “man up” and ask him for coffee like BethanyA suggests.

Not to freak everyone out, but apart from being majorly creepy, this guy strikes me as potentially dangerous.

Stalking is obviously a crime, but the problem is that what stalkers do is perfectly legal—until they cross the line and someone ends up greviously injured, abducted, or murdered.  Although this is changing, police departments often feel they can’t take action until a stalker has become a direct threat to safety.  And while a confrontational approach may work for one offender, it may exacerbate a situation to the point where an offender feels that violence is called for.  Likewise, ignoring someone can do the same thing.

Theresa Saldana was stabbed repeatedly by a man she’d never even met, but who was utterly obsessed with her.  A young woman named Laura Black was stalked by a coworker, and after moving twice and applying for a permanent restraining order, the guy walked into her workplace and shot and killed seven people with a semiautomatic shotgun.  He also shot Laura in the shoulder, and though she survived, she has never had full range of motion or muscle control of the shoulder and arm.  Dominique Dunne was strangled and murdered by an ex-boyfriend.  Nicole Brown Simpson predicted that her ex-husband would kill her, and despite what the jury said, he probably did.  And thousands of other women have met similar fates.

Anyone can do anything to anyone.  This guy hasn’t done anything violent, but that doesn’t mean he can’t.  Please, please, please, protect yourself.  Don’t wind up being another statistic.

If this gets worse, 1-800-FYI-Call is the toll-free number of the National Victim Center.

I wish that I could be more trusting of the world and agree with the people who’ve said this guy is just a creep, and leave it at that.  True, the guy is definitely a creep and not worth your time.  But guys this poorly-adjusted can become dangerous and violent.  All it takes is a trigger.

One final note: the crazies can be good-looking, too.  Remember Ted Bundy?

Keep yourself safe.

I’m with those that say you should summon the courage - and it would take a lot, I think!! - to confront him. Maybe it’s because as creeped out as I am, I’m also intrigued by this guy’s deal. I’d want to know what his issues were. So if you can manage it, I’d do as Theresa Meyers said and ask him what was with all the staring. Then, if he didn’t give an amazing answer like he suffers from selective mutism that he’s working through with his therapist, I’d sit as far away from him as I could. I’d also try real hard to make a friend in the class - male or female - to act as a safety precaution, someone to watch my six. Maybe if he sees you with other people he’ll move on.

Oooh, I’m thinking 54…which could be I’m thinking there are 54 reasons this guy is not a smoldering romance hero but rather a guy with socialization issues.

Avoid at all costs. This guy sounds like a prime example of what my girlfriends and I have dubbed “most likely to be found with his mother’s head in a freezer”.

I actually agree with Bethany about him maybe just being nervous laughter.

I think maybe he had a thing for you in school and didn’t know how to approach you. Just because he could get girls doesn’t mean he’d have known what to do about a girl he had a crush on. Maybe you made him nervous back then and still do.

I do agree that you need to stop giving his behaviour attention, but more for the sake of your sanity than anything else. He doesn’t seem inclined to make a move, if he really is interested, and you don’t need to waste your energy on someone who hasn’t figured it out in 10 years.

I will say that you don’t seem to be doing much better in the “manning up” department. I’ve always been shy, socially awkward, and hate confrontation, but if someone is staring at me to the degree that I become aware of it and uncomfortable with it, I will be talking to them about it. Either they will stop, not be so open and careless in their staring, or continue to blatantly stare, in which case you know they’re doing it to mess with you and you can deal with it accordingly.

This story gives me the chills! It sounds like this guys is sizing her up for the crawl space under his house. Run far far away sweetie!

I’d confront him, if you’re interested in anyway, by being polite. If you’re not interested being a bit more blunt.

Good luck with him! :)

He could have Asperger’s Syndrome, which is characterized by intensely focused (dare I say obsessive) attention to a few interests as well as a lack of ability to understand nonverbal language and cues.  In other words he may be “in love” with you and unable to know how to act upon it. He may also be unaware that you’re made uncomfortable by his stares. However, given that you said he’s had girlfriends, this may very well not be the case.

Do you remember the names of the girls he dated in high school?  Have you Googled him?  Have you talked to your instructor about his behavior? It may seem more marked to you than to others, but most other people should notice at least something off.  Telling your teacher, brings someone with authority to bear on the situation.  Colleges and universities, in the wake of Virginia Tech, have behavior hotlines where you can report him anonymously if you’re really uncomfortable. It may be that he already has a record with the college and your complaint is the tipping point.  Also, if there is student counseling available, you might want to talk with them about ways to deal with this Edward Cullenesque dude.

Largely, I don’t’ think he’s a good bet for relationship material. If he has Asperger’s (or something similar), it may be very frustrating and requires a lot of understanding and patience from you.  If it’s not something like this, then he’s probably pretty messed up and potentially dangerous.  Proceed with caution.

One of the things I’ve found to deal with the socially inept fellows (and since I’m in science fiction fandom, there are probably statistically more per capita than the standard places *heh*) is to accumulate male friends. Buddies. Pals.

Stand-in brothers.

Nothing shakes the wierdo out of the socially inept tree faster than the gal with a bunch of male friends, who have made it clear that this is their sister and—if you f*ck with her, they will f*ck you up.

Of course, being able to smack them in the head with a sword doesn’t hurt, either. :)

I spent many years feeling socially crippled by my inhibitions and built up quite the gallery of regrets.  It took going through a small version of medical hell for me to be able to gather the fortitude to stop wasting my own time.

If you have any interest in the guy - other than nostalgia - set up your safeties (see all other SB advice) and ask him if he’d like to meet you for coffee.

Maybe have someone you trust elsewhere in the cafe, maybe make the invitation for just before class so there’s a time limit - AND someplace else where you are both expected.

I know it isn’t easy gathering the gumption to approach him, but this way you will get an answer and can either proceed (with caution!!) or you can finally “set him aside” with no more regrets.

I may not be reading enough into the situation, but having suffered from selective near-crippling shyness I can see that this guy might really be crushing on her and means no harm.  If he’s associative, then seeing her could very well cause him to slip back into the high-school behavior.  High school is a traumatic time for a lot of us, and confronted with a trigger from a highly-emotional time like that can shift people right back into learned-behavior mode.

I’ll echo, though, everyone’s calls for caution.  Google the hell out of the guy, too.  But I’d want to know what was up with the staring.  You could simultaneously break the ice and creep *him* out by asking him point-blank if you have a booger hanging from your nose or toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

spamword: specific87 you want a specific reason why his eyes find you so compelling…and probably one why he’s not aware it’s kinda creepy.  And stalking is just so ‘87,

Then again, it could be something completely mundane, like you’re a ringer for his cousin in Topeka.  Or he might have read Twilight and thought it was a good method for picking up chicks.

I’m in with the sheer creepiness of it all.  Frankly, if some guy acted that way around me, it would Freak. Me. Out.

There is the vague (very vague) possibility that this guy is just socially awkward or very shy.  The problem, however, is that shy or not, a REAL man needs to seriously grow a pair.  There is nothing heroic about a guy who hasn’t got the guts to ask you for coffee.  IMHO, he ain’t worth your time of day, if that’s the case.  You deserve better.  If he can’t man up for coffee, um, what ELSE can’t he man up for?

I’m much more convinced, however, that there is something creepy-stalker-weird going on.  The crazed giggle gives it away.  Crazed giggling is definitely not the sign of hero material.  It’s a good sign it’s time to run away.  Fast.

I’m suprised by all the immediate jumps to “He’s a Creepy Stalker and Might Murder You!” responses.  I mean, yes, weird and women need to be careful about these things, but considering we only have Shy’s relation of the events it seems rather extreme. People tend to overexaggerate, especially when they are confused and obsessing over something. Also, she described his laughter as “slightly hsyterical” not “manic”.  There’s a difference.

Miss Shy, I, too, am introverted and am frequently bewildered by men to the point of panic. Thus, I have a tendency to over-react in situations like this.  What I’ve learned is that you just have to confront it. I would agree with some sort of confrontation.  “Hey,” you could say. “I’m 99% positive you went to my high school blah blah blah. Right? Go Beavers!” Then he would hopefully, speak to you. Then you could say “I’ve noticed you looking at me a lot. What’s up with that?” Or something to that effect. IF after you’ve openly acknowledged the fact that you know each other from high school and have spoken to him with more than single syllable words AND he’s still being a weirdo, THEN be cautious/build barriers, etc. But until you speak to him and state something about the staring and the high school, the situation is just going to be a big ball of stress in your head that’s going to warp your judgment and skew your perspective both of him and the situation. It could be more dangerous than you expect, yah.  But it could also be a whole lot of nothing, too.

If you can’t do that (the confrontation or the even speaking to him to see if he’s really creepy) then you have to ignore him. He’s probably just a douche. Or maybe he has Asperger’s. Maybe your idea of him in high school was completely inaccurate. Who knows? But to know, you have to say something about both issues.

I’m on the Potential Villain side rather than Potential Hero.  If you want to figure out what’s going on, maybe ask a friend or nonthreatening other in the class to double-check your perception (“I think he’s staring at me a lot.  Could you make sure I’m not making things up?”) then ask him, with witnesses, to stop.  Not, “Is there a reason?” but, “Stop.” 

Then move to a desk directly behind him or otherwise out of sight.  Resolve not to look at him, even to see if he’s staring. 

The options, as I see them, are ‘freaking you out on purpose’ in which case shut him down mercilessly and publicly, ‘stalkerboy’ in which case same, plus backup, and ‘means well, good guy, but clueless about his effects’ in which case tell him that he’s bothering you and, because he is a good guy, he will stop.

I’m torn on this one.  On the one hand, the women who are saying “creepy creepy creepy” are probably not wrong.  Seriously, this is some weird shit.

On the other hand,  I am legally partnered, at least until they finish counting the votes (though we’re ahead right now), to a guy who used to stare at me, and I’m very happy.  BUT—I am also a guy, and just not taking the kinds of risks you would be taking.  I kind of feel like if I were a woman, I’d be thinking a lot more about “situations in which my head is liable to end up in somebody’s freezer” simply because of the odds.

So here is my advice.

Is there some reason this guy should think he can’t date you?  My husband used to stare at me because he’s sixteen years older than me, has known me since I was a kid (I am now 24), and has worked for my father for years and years.  I am pretty sure he thought that I would say no if he just asked me out and that if I said anything negative to my dad he’d get fired.  Also, he’s not diagnosed with Asperger’s, but he’s a little weird in a similar kind of way.  Anyhow, those are imnsho pretty good reasons to wait for me to show some kind of receptivity before making a definite move, and he graduated from staring at me pretty quickly to teasing me a little, till the point where I confronted him about it, started calling him “Edward”, and told him to cut that shit out if he actually liked me.  (At which point he sent me flowers to apologize—he was also kind of a closet case who had no idea how to actually DATE a man—and I asked him out, and the rest is history.)

But you know, if there is absolutely no reason he cannot date you (and in high school, knowing it might be social suicide counts as a reason, but not when you’re 26), this is C-R-E-E-P-Y. 

lower98 is my password.  If he is in the lower 98 percentiles of creepy staring guys, forget about him.  The top 2 percentiles are maybe kind of okay, but there has to be a good reason.

Umm, that’s a little scary..in the “Silence of the Lamb’s” sizing you up to make a “you shirt” kind of way.
Since you said he’s had girlfriend’s clearly he CAN relate to the female population.
My spidey sense says he’s not worth the puzzle solving work.

I’m with Angela/Lazarapaste on this one and am surprised by the number of people who genuinly seem to think of this guy as seriously creepy. I’m not saying he’s harmless, but I would try to get more actual interaction with him before making up your mind on the matter. Maybe, like you, he is seriously shy and has no clue how to approach you. I agree that 26 year old men should preferably have moved beyond this stage, but not everybody has - numerous people here describe themselves as painfully shy. Why wouldn’t he be?

The other option is of course that is really creepy/dangerous and that’s why I think you need to take some kind of action to move beyond the in-limbo situation that you find yourself in now. I would suggest talking to him in class (or before or after). Try sitting next to him and striking up a conversation. This way you’ll get more of an idea what he’s like; also, if he’s interested in you, you’ve given him an opening to act on it. If he doesn’t reciprocate your attempts to get some normal interaction going, I think you need to completely ignore him and move on.
I would also strongly advise you to tell some of your friends and other people in the class about his behaviour and your concerns - ask them to pay attention to his behaviour and see if they notice anything’s off.
Personally, I wouldn’t immediately ask him to have coffee - it might indicate a level of interest on your side and, if he’s really Creepy Guy, you don’t want to give him more incentive.

I have to say that I’m in the “creepy” faction and have been there from the start.  It does seem that you’re somewhat interested, though, and I’m sure that you don’t want to ascribe evil intent.  That pretty much means that you’re probably reading the responses with “Oh, he’s not a bad guy!” song in your heart.  So what to do…

At this point, someone (and it’s looking like you) needs to make a move.  So gather all your courage, psych yourself up, practice what you’re going to say over and over in your head while heading to class, and just do it already.  Confront him, as soon as possible, with more than a whispered “hi”, a ducking of the head, and a blind rush down the hall to the classroom.  Make the effort, while in the relative safety of the school, to stand in front of him and engage him in direct conversation—ie, one that doesn’t rely on you attempting to interpret whatever signals he’s flashing from those intense eyes—and ask

why he’s staring.  Don’t let him get away with some barely audible aside as he rushes off, either.  One way or the other, you need to find out what exactly is going on or you’re just going to keep obsessing over it and this guy.  Confronting the situation while you’re relatively safe (at school) will probably give you all the answers you need if you listen to your instincts.  Just make sure you listen to them if they start screaming “get far far away” instead of telling yourself, “oh, I’m just being silly…”.  Seriously.

I think this is totally creepy.  This is suppose to be a functioning 26 year old man.  He isn’t in High School anymore.  I think he should have learned a few social niceties in the years since graduating.  You went to school with him.  If he is so completely shut down not even able to “Hey you went to Blank!” then there are other issues here.

I would buy a stun gun if they are legal in your state.  If not buy a key chain mace.

Barbara said:

One of the things I’ve found to deal with the socially inept fellows (and since I’m in science fiction fandom, there are probably statistically more per capita than the standard places *heh*) is to accumulate male friends. Buddies. Pals.

Stand-in brothers.

Nothing shakes the wierdo out of the socially inept tree faster than the gal with a bunch of male friends, who have made it clear that this is their sister and—if you f*ck with her, they will f*ck you up.

BINGO!!!

Exactly what was running through my mind.  You need some good guy buddy friends to sniff him out and figure out what’s going on.

In college I had a creep-o literally pick me out of the get-to-know-you photos (small liberal arts university) and decide to follow me.  Everywhere.  Found out my schedule, where I parked, would park behind my car when I was headed to my weekly Chiropractor’s appt (after a car accident) so I would HAVE to talk to him. 

Would NOT take the hint.  Wouldn’t take a polite brush-off either and I didn’t want to provoke him by being direct—my gut told me that it was a baaaaaad idea.

Enter 3 manly men friends. (One about 5’11” with big muscles—former gymnast, One about 300 pounds and built like a tank, and one 6’5” who looked like he could win just about any street brawl.)

I let them know that what was going on.  They didn’t like that some weasel was bothering their sunny little blonde 5’4” friend.

They had a “talk” with him.  (As far as I know, there was not any actual violence done to him, but I bet he needed a new pair of pants when they got done….)

Problem solved.  End of story.

Almost.

I married guy friend #1.

=)

I don’t have much to add. Lots of great advice has already been given. I just wanted to point out a couple of things.

First, I have seen over and over again what most people would term “high school-ish” behavior perpetrated by people from 18 to 80. So that behavior in a 26 year old is nothing that odd.

Second, he might very well be as dangerous as some people are saying. But if we are looking at this in terms of what we learn from romance novels then it should be pointed out that many romance novels begin with a faulted hero that has the ability to grow and change for the better over time.

I hope it all works out for you!

The clues here are: he is able to act normally (speaking, laughing, etc.) with other people and has had other girlfriends (enough that you called him a “teenage Lothario”).  In my mind, this rules out a generalized social anxiety disorder or a condition like Asperger’s.  And frankly, from your description, it doesn’t appear that he’s just a nice guy who is shy around girls.  Nice guys may stare, but they tend not to stare, follow girls around, brush up against them, and generally do everything they can to breach your personal space.  I just don’t see that as a mark of a shy person.  In my mind the whispers and the coyness are a ruse.   

To me, it sounds like he wants to control you by controlling your reactions and gets a huge kick out of it.  Think about how intense eye contact works in the natural world—among dogs or primates, for example.  Looking another creature in the eye is a challenge, a kind of weapon.  Truly shy people (and often those with Asperger’s and autism) tend *not* stare directly into someone’s face, because it is so uncomfortable.  On the other hand, a dog who wants you to know he is boss, stares you directly in the face.  (And if you make eye contact with a really aggressive dog, he takes that as a signal to act aggressively.)

Obviously, men behave differently than dogs (mostly).  But maybe not this man.  He reminds me of a similar, good-looking guy I knew in middle school who did the staring thing to me, every day at the beginning of shop class.  I was bewildered and flattered, until I discovered that he was using the opportunity to steal my tools (he was too lazy to get his own). 

Moral: perhaps this man has no tool(s) of his own and making you uncomfortable (or making you put forth the effort to “attract” him with nice outfits, etc.) gives him such a feeling of power it makes up for what he doesn’t have.  In other words—-staring=power tool. 

I vote creep and to stay far away.

Although this is changing, police departments often feel they can’t take action until a stalker has become a direct threat to safety.  And while a confrontational approach may work for one offender, it may exacerbate a situation to the point where an offender feels that violence is called for.  Likewise, ignoring someone can do the same thing.

I completely agree with you, Tabathaz.  Almost immediately my stalker-meter started going off.  This guy seems more creepy than into you, and creepy guys (even the ones that seem shy) can be dangerous.  Even if he doesn’t come after you, he could go after someone else—your family or friends, or even strangers.  John Hinkley went after President Reagan because he was obsessed with Jodi Foster.

Personally, I would stay as far away from him as I could get.  However, you need to be careful.  Any change in your relationship could set him off.  If things get worse, you should definitely talk to the police.  Even if they can’t do anything, at least they know about him.  In that situation,  I would also seek out a restraining order.

I really don’t want to start anything on here, but I can’t not say anything.

Are you serious? It’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to be painfully shy, but a man isn’t a “REAL” man if he’s painfully shy?

WTF?

I’m not saying that the man in question here is simply shy because I think he fits the creepy category to a T. But I have known a few real men who were quite shy around women.

And, as a formerly painfully shy woman myself, I know exactly how hard it is to “grow a pair”. I can’t imagine that it’s any easier for a man. Especially considering all of the pressure men are under to be rugged, manly men.

The other commenters are forgetting that you said he was “cute.” So you’re attracted to him, right? And hoping the guy turns out, against all the odds, to be a hero.

I wonder if he stares at you because he thinks you are staring at him? It can happen. If you have a 2-way fascination thing going on, this could be interesting.

Or creepy. I’m just saying.

I like the idea of you going up to him and saying, “Hey, did you go to Podunk High?” Gives him the impression that you have NOT obsessed about him and that you remember him only vaguely. If he’s getting off on the idea that he’s YOUR secret crush, this would be an excellent way to cool his jets. And it wouldn’t leave you too exposed—like inviting him for coffee and all that other stuff others have suggested, which I’m guessing is way too bold for you.

Lina nailed it. This is not a shy guy. I know shy guys. I married a guy who wasn’t particularly confident around women and is younger than I am. I am shy.  And I’ve had the creepy stalker dude thing happen to me several times. Many of them were, in fact, just shy guys. But one of them totally did the power thing and that’s what this guy is doing. I don’t think he’s planning to keep her head in the freezer. I think he just gets off on being an ass, which is why any reaction is a bonus for him.

And yes, even shy guys need to grow a pair. If you marry shy guy and have kids, you need to know he’s willing to stand up for them, will be willing to call the school, go see the teachers, etc, confront people who want to mess with you. And shy women, you need to do that, too.  I know it sucks. I still get nervous when I’m going to my small church, and I know everyone there, but negotiating the crowd makes me sweat. I do it, though, because I’ve got a sweet, sociable daughter, who doesn’t deserve to get stuck at home with parents who are too afraid to interact with new people.

Let the flaming begin, lol.

Jennifer, yes everyone should attempt to get over their shyness. I did it. It was one of the worst growing experiences of my life, but I did it and I’m a better person for it. I still struggle with it on a daily basis. There are some days when I have to force myself simply to go to the grocery store. 

What I object to is the outright assertion that a man who is shy is not a “real” man, yet nobody is saying that the shy woman is not a “real” woman.

There are many different types of shyness. I know people who are outgoing and talkative in a group setting, but get them one on one and they clam up and start sweating. And vice-versa.

Just because a person has some sort of social anxiety, it doesn’t make them any less of a person.

Spot on Lina.  That’s great advice!  I gotta admit, when I’m baffled over male behaviour, I go straight to my guy friends.

And just to clear things up, I do not think that because a person is shy, they are less of a person (male or female).  Not what I’m saying.  What I’m saying is that ANY person who can’t get off their butt and take ACTION to get what they want (instead of sending out creepy stalker vibes) really needs to grow a pair.  Especially when it comes to relationships.  In no way am I saying they are less of a person, but unless they want to lead a life half lived, they need to get their groove on.  And yeah, that’s a lesson I’ve had to learn myself.

However I don’t think this guy is shy.  Not one bit. As Lina pointed out, he’s able to have perfectly normal relationships with other people, including many girlfriends.  Shy my patootie.

I think there’s something wrong with the situation, but even if there isn’t, is this guy really worth the effort?  I mean, women are famous for over-romanticizing the behavior of guys into what we want them to be.  Even if he’s harmless, this guy just plain doesn’t sound that special.  Sure, you could push through and start the initial contact, ask him for coffee, etc.  If he’s not willing to put himself out there a little bit, you’re going to be responsible for all the momentum in the relationship and somewhere, sometime, it’s going to get really tiresome.  And then you’ll wake up one day in a dead-end unfulfilling relationship thinking “How the hell did I get into this situation?”  You’ve done all the work.  Sounds like you already opened the door- by saying hi, etc.  But he didn’t walk through the door by following up.  What are you going to do, pursue him?  Why? 
But for what it’s worth, it’s still pretty weird and odd.  And I am a parent of an Aspie and it doesn’t sound like Aspie behavior.

And just to clear things up, I do not think that because a person is shy, they are less of a person (male or female).  Not what I’m saying.  What I’m saying is that ANY person who can’t get off their butt and take ACTION to get what they want (instead of sending out creepy stalker vibes) really needs to grow a pair.  Especially when it comes to relationships.  In no way am I saying they are less of a person, but unless they want to lead a life half lived, they need to get their groove on.  And yeah, that’s a lesson I’ve had to learn myself.

I agree!!!  You can’t tell me something couldn’t have shaken loose enough to get beyond the whole creepy phase.

Women are trained from birth to ignore their instincts when it comes to social interactions and to “be nice”. Don’t ignore yours.

His staring is disturbing and lina, in particular, sums up his behaviors very well.

Please be cautious.

This is such an excellent example of how the Alpha Males we love on paper would be in serious need of restraining orders in real life.  As someone said above, this dude sounds like… Edward Cullen.  Or even my beloved Cadeon Woede. 

If starer dude was on paper and had even slightly bigger balls, he might be swoon-worthy.  Too bad in real life he just comes off like a creep.

Another vote here for:
(1) this man’s behaviour is bizarre, creepy and almost certainly an indication that you should give him a very wide berth indeed and
(2) the excellent tactic of getting some male friends around you.

Wow! Many, many thanks to Smart Bitch Sarah and to all of you for your insightful comments. This has given me so much to think about. You know, it never occurred to me that he might be planning to keep me locked in his basement, but now that I think of it, I remember he was a horror film afficionado as a teenager… *nervous backward glance*

More seriously, I’ve never got a stalkerish vibe from this guy… but it’s hard to tell whether this is only because he was (and is) good-looking, artistic and intriguing. If I hadn’t found him attractive, his attention would probably have made me uncomfortable long ago. I’ve been stalked before - albeit by a woman - so believe me, I have no desire to become the heroine of a Gothic romance! My interest in this was pretty much of an ordinary kind: I thought he was attractive, I was flattered by his attention, and hoped he might have a crush on me (yes, even now, after 10 years), but I found and keep on finding him impossible to interpret.

In this guy’s defence, I must say that the “following around” happened in high school, and he never followed me home or anything (as far as I know). I just always saw him somewhere nearby at school, and sometimes in town, gazing on me. He doesn’t follow me around now, either; if anything, he tends to hurry away from me once we’re outside. He knows where I live, but I’ve never seen him in these parts. Also, I should point out that his are not exactly aggressive stares. It’s a bit hard to describe, but they’re intense without being in any way leering. And to clarify another thing, the laugh wasn’t really “manic” - just a nervous laugh in a strange context, that’s all! And I really do believe he’s basically shy. I mean, I don’t know what kind of moves he pulled on those girlfriends of his, but he was definitely quiet and retiring at school. (Although, he was in the habit of kissing those girlfriends in public a lot when I was watching. Back then I thought he might have been trying to make me jealous. Now I have no idea what to think…)

Something has actually occurred since I sent the email above to SB Sarah: I “manned up” and went to talk to him. In fact - and this makes me cringe now that I read all your warnings! - I asked him for a ride to the bus station. He agreed happily and I told him how this was a bit awkward, us not talking when we went to the same school; he laughed and was very friendly and smiling. It was such a relief to me - he talks! he’s nice! we get along just fine! etc. But the next time around we were back to awkward glances, and when I went to talk to him again, he was very aloof - very Edward Cullen style, as someone said above. I felt rather offended and thought, well, that’s that. If he has anything more to say, let him approach me, and he hasn’t. But he hasn’t stopped looking at me, either, and by now I’m beginning to be rather annoyed by his behaviour. Not necessarily creeped-out annoyed, but “WTF do you want from me?” annoyed. He doesn’t seem to have any intention of ever approaching me or asking me out for coffee; and he doesn’t seem to be interested in befriending me either. In other words, this isn’t going anywhere and by now I’ve moved on from wishing for that to happen.

Oh, it’s maddening! It’s so hard to tell how much of this is in my head. Fact one is that he keeps gazing at my face. Fact two is that he started it in high school, and I didn’t notice him at all before I spotted him doing it: in fact my friends were the ones to point it out for me, and even my mother once asked, “Who’s that boy staring at you with his beautiful eyes?” (Yes, I got the “cutting good-looking people more slack” gene from her, it seems.) Fact three is that when I look back at him less, he looks at me more. The power games and nuances could well be in my head… but, you know, I don’t find myself attractive so I’m always second-guessing any show of interest on a man’s part. (To the point that when a cute guy said hi to me once, I glanced behind me to see who he was talking to!) So I don’t think I’m imagining his intense interest. I just don’t know what that interest is for. I could understand a purely physical/visual fascination if I were breathtakingly beautiful, but I’m not. Or perhaps he does have a crush on me but has a girlfriend…

See? Maddening. But it doesn’t look like I’m ever going to find out. I doubt I’ll be able to ignore him as long as he’s there, but thank goodness these classes will be over soon and he’ll go back to being a bewildering high school memory. As a lover of mysteries, I suppose I’ll always wonder why he keeps staring at me. Because he does - and I’m definitely not imagining that part. Even when I sit at the back of the classroom, he keeps glancing at the clock and, well, somehow mistaking me for it. Even though he could check the time from the computer screen in front of him.

Well, this was a remarkably long-winded comment just to say thank you to you all! ;)

If you read Greg Behrendt’s book: “He’s Just Not That Into You” I think you’ll find that this guy…. is just not that into you!

If he was, he would find a way to talk to you and let you know that he was definitely interested.

This isn’t a romance novel. This is real life and you need to ensure you are safe.

To paraphrase from the book, try this: Write down 5 things that you look for or want in a man.

Did “emotionally unavailable” make that list? Yeah. Didn’t think so. Because you’re like, far to classy and smart for that. Right?

Bottom line: the guy in your life should make you feel happy. Are you happy? Or just plain disturbed by his behavior….

“It’s so hard to tell how much of this is in my head.”

It doesn’t really matter.  Really.  Women, especially, put a little too much stock into having “rational” emotions.  Emotions, granted, are not wholly to be trusted or acted upon immediately. 

However, they vital sources of information, especially in repeated situations.  They have always told me of an untenable long term situation, long before the end came to pass.  And I always trust them when my physical safety is on the line.

Regardless of intensions, shyness, or mental conditions, the dude has fallen officially into the creep zone.  Don’t be alone around him, make some other friend in class, and do your best to avoid him.  And get a beefy male friend, even if you have to hire him.

And also, don’t squander too much life energy as to why he stares at you.  Crazy people do crazy things.  Sane people do crazy things.  Spending too much time figuring out why people do crazy things *will* make you crazy as well.  You need as much energy as possible figuring out how to deal with the crazy things.

He could have Asperger’s Syndrome, which is characterized by intensely focused (dare I say obsessive) attention to a few interests as well as a lack of ability to understand nonverbal language and cues.

Yes, it could Asperger’s and one guy I know had it and ended up pushing the girl he was “in love” with in front of a moving train. I’m no Dear Abby or Dear SB Sarah, I watch enough Criminal Minds and CSI to know that he is seriously and for real crazy and creepy and he may be staring at her, not in infatuation, but figuring out if she’ll fit in the trunk of his car. I would hate to see her on the news.  Stay away from crazy man!  Carry mace, look down and walk fast!.

why hasn’t she said hello yet. standing around waiting for him to talk to you might be ok for a 14 year old but come on she’s a grown up and can say either “Hi may name is ___, we went to high school together how are you?” or “Stop staring at me. Is there a problem?” but why is she dilly dallying? If he’s actually giving you the creeps (which I maintain you’d know by now, it has been 10 years) then tell him off, call the cops, get out of there. If you secretly like him take a cue from many romance heroines before you and say the rules be damned I’m making a move.

mary

We can sit here and guess all day long why this guy is staring at you, but in the end you’re going to have to ask him what his deal is.
Do you like him staring at you?  Are you attracted to him? 
Put yourself in control of this situation and make a move—ask him what’s up with the staring, and if he pretends not to know what you’re talking about, you’ve got a creep on your hands. 
I agree with all the other safety tips—make sure he doesn’t know where you live, and make a friend in class.  If you go out, meet at a public place.  But I think it’s about 50/50 as to whether he’s a creep, or has just had a long term crush on you and is so socially akward and scared that he can’t bring himself to talk to you.

PS If this were a romance novel, he wouldn’t be the hero because the hero would have had to act on his feelings for you by now.  The passion would just be too much to bear!

He’s artistic, and he keeps staring at you?  Maybe there’s something about your face he finds compelling.  Or something about you.  Did you publish anything in highschool (writing, drawing) that he would have known was yours?  Did you perform or dance or anything?

Actually, the thing that popped into my head when I read your description was (forgive me, I can’t help myself) he’s your illegitimate half-brother by your father’s other wife, and he knows about there being two families but you don’t.

It is a puzzlement.  If you DO happen to find out what the mystery is (being careful of your safety at all times), please let us know.

“I wonder if he stares at you because he thinks you are staring at him? It can happen. “

I was thinking this same thing, because it’s happened to me. I got chewed out (and eventually fired) from a job as a teenager because my supervisor complained I was always staring at him. I thought he was always staring at me! And I was not remotely attracted to him; he made me very uncomfortable.

Shy and Bewildered: Good for you, taking the initiative! (And I was about to point out that you never described any creepy feelings or intuitions in your original letter, so I wasn’t sure how “creepy” he actually was being.)

I think you’ve resolved this nicely for yourself: Nothing is ever going to come of this, and it’s completely effing maddening not to know what his deal is. I’m sympathetic. I’m usually of the “put on your big girl pants & move on” variety but, like you, I would find this mystery impossible to resist. Oooo, so frustrating! God, those mysterious guys are like a plague on the mind!

But talking to him was key. I always found it much easier to get over a crush/fascination if I actually spent a little time with the guy. *GRIN*

I have nothing constructive to add, obviously. Just letting you know I get what you’re saying.

BBrrrrr!

Google him. Then, Google your town to see how many women have gone missing in those intervening ten years.
Honestly, this is reminding me of an early episode of Medium, where the lead character was having visions of a man murdering someone . . . five yeras down the road.

In a word: RUN!

It took me until I was 30 and had kids to finally grow a pair of ovaries and not put up with all this wishy-washy relationship stuff (both friendly female and the Guy Thing).

If you guys are equally shy (which is possible—maybe his girlfriends in HS went after him, and he’s never really had to do his own chasing—(-: kind of like Miles Vorkosigan in Bujold’s wonderful space romance), then you are at an impasse. It’s true that he’s gone back to being aloof . . . but didn’t you, too?

If you are waiting for Artistic Sensitive Guy to rent a horse and sweep you up, forget it. If you don’t want to do the work to find out if he’s worth pursuing, then forget it. Talk with someone else in class, don’t be cold, but don’t be overly encouraging.

But, if you do decide to pursue it a little further, take the time to get to know him before you commit to anything. He might be worth the work, but really, at this point you have no idea Who He Is, and to be frank, he has no idea Who You Are either.

A mini-high school reunion might be the ticket, if you want to get to know him better.

Or, forget the real guy and pour out your frustrations into a book; it IS NaNoWriMo, after all, and he could be your muse (cue: tinkly little bells and fairy laughter).

But running around in circles chasing your own what-ifs is probably not doing you much good. Good luck . . . (-: and I’m wondering how the story ends.

Shy and Bewildered, you gave it your best shot and good for you.  That took courage.  You’re done.

Googly Eyed Boy had ample opportunity to catch the ball and run with it.  He didn’t.  Move on.

Run away. You deserve better in your life than the Geico eyeballs.

Shy girl—there is no confusion here. Listen to your instincts. You wouldn’t have written in unless you had doubts. The guy is a creep.

More than 50 other women on this blog have said so.

I’m adding my voice to theirs.

Finish out your class and shed him. Such weird behavior might be acceptable in a socially inept H.S. student, but if he’s not been able to grow out of it in 10 years, then he never will.

Can you imagine trying to explain Mr. Geico Eyes to any of your friends? If you think they’ll label him a creep like the people here, then accept it and move past him.

I dated a “shy” creep once upon a time. he was a good kisser, I’ll have him that.

But when he and I went out with a few of my friends two of my female pals grabbed me and asked what the hell was I thinking dating such an obvious weirdo.

I didn’t have a good answer. Seeing him through their eyes clarified things, and I scraped him off my shoes, fast. Not before he gave me an “Indian burn” on my arm that night.  “Oh, stop moaning, it’s just horsing around,” he said. He’d treated me to a lot of not so subtle verbal abuse (Hey, I’m just joking!) and treating me like a mentally challenged child (Lighten up, I’m laughing with you, not at you).  Not funny.

He put up a shy front, but once I saw what was underneath—! Yow.

I agree about getting a lot of male friends. There’s plenty in the SF community I hang out in. 

I know of one case where one of the ladies in my area of fandom was being stalked by an ex, and asked a male pal to come over a few times to “babysit” her and her kids when the ex got drunk and went prowling.

Wouldn’t you know—she and the pal fell in love and got married, both have never been happier.  That’s just so damn sweet!

If this was a romance novel, Mr. Geico Eyes would be the villain.

Well, Shy and Bewildered, you certainly brought up a topic of interest to a lot of us!  It reminds me of the time I complained about a past boyfriend who seemed to be ‘romantic and brooding’ before I dated him - but as a boyfriend turned out to be ‘moody and sullen!’

As long as your safety isn’t in jeopardy, it doesn’t really matter why he is staring at you.  You ‘manned up’ before he did and gave him every opportunity to ask you out if he was going to, so I’d take the time and energy expended on him and invest it in finding a guy who is better adjusted! Maybe he does find you attractive, but he’s got a wife or a girlfriend, so he won’t make a move. Maybe it IS something creepier. You got a whole passel of online safety advice - I particularly liked what Lisa had to say about asking him to coffee:

Maybe have someone you trust elsewhere in the cafe, maybe make the invitation for just before class so there’s a time limit - AND someplace else where you are both expected.

Now that you already talked with him, it’s a bit moot - but one of the things friendly online advice CAN’T do for you is eyeball him and provide an unbiased personal opinion.  I think it would be a great idea if you made buddies with other people in the class and asked if they noticed him, and what they thought of it - or had a friend (guy OR girl, as long as they have good people-sense) come with you or be nearby if you ever see him around outside of class.  A second eye-witness opinion is a great thing to have!

There are a lot of nice guys out there who are shy but not staring and standoffish - it isn’t easy to put yourself out there and chat with them first, but just remember - ideally you only have to find Mr. Right once! Meeting a great guy will make the effort of coming out of your shell totally worthwhile. Get a friend to come with you to try a new hobby or a new coffee shop/bar/club, and practice striking up conversations with nice looking people - guys AND girls. You’ll get more self confidence, more people-sense, and maybe some new friends and a couple of dates!

I’ve been reading this with some interest, particularily in light of Shy’s comments that she never got a ‘creepy stalker’ vibe from this guy and that people pointed his staring out to her long before she noticed it. The way she described his way of staring at her reminded me of (please don’t hate me!) the way that Charlotte describes Mr Darcy looking at Lizzy. I can’t remember the exact quote and don’t have a copy of the book with me (sadly) but I think it’s something like Mr Darcy often looked at her friend with an expression that indicated an “absence of mind”.
DON’T HATE ME!!! I DO NOT THINK THIS MAN IS DARCY!!!!
I just don’t think he’s a psycho killer either.
You’ve spoken with him, taken the initiative, the ball is in his court. To be honest what Suze said (“he’s your illegitimate half-brother by your father’s other wife, and he knows about there being two families but you don’t.”) sounds more realistic to me.
Good luck to you!

It occurs to me that we really aren’t playing by the rules of the game, which is to provide life lessons through literary wisdom. Freiya brings up a great point about Darcy, and since I have been obsessing about Pride and Prejudice for the last six weeks, I can contribute on that score.

First of all, even Elizabeth Bennett thought Darcy was a real weirdo.

“Shall we ask him (Darcy) why a man of sense and education, and who has lived in the world, is ill qualified to recommend himself to strangers?”

“I can answer your question,” said Fitzwilliam, “without applying to him. It is because he will not give himself the trouble.” (Janeites, you can join in the chorus here!)

“I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,” said Darcy, “of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.”

“My fingers,” said Elizabeth, “do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women’s do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault—because I would not take the trouble of practising. It is not that I do not believe *my* fingers as capable as any other woman’s of superior execution.”

Point the second: Elizabeth vets Darcy out pretty well—far better than she did for ol’ Wickham. By the time she reveals her feelings to him, she’s gotten the stamp of approval from his friends, his sister and even his housekeeper! She’s also consulted with her own friends and family on the matter. I’m not crazy about having to get married in order to survive economically, but there’s a few security items from those days which could be revived today.

I’m sure there are other good quotes out there—Little Red Riding Hood seems to spring to mind. What about it? I think plenty of people have given some great real-life advice. What about the fictional truths, LOL?

Geico eyeballs.  That was perfect, Janeyd.

Serial killer. He’s not necessarily going to chop your head off and keep it in a box, but he’s going to cut somebody’s head off and keep it in a box.

Can you work with that? Serial killers sometimes have their up sides, and after he gets pulled over with a dead hitchhiker in his car you can write a book about him.

I think people are blowing things way out of proportion. 10 years since the last time you saw him. Not 10 years of this behavior constantly. 

I understand the having an attraction to someone and not doing anything about it. There’s a guy in my life who has always been a “what could have been”. We were friends and then around the age of 15 things changed. Looks got longer, conversations became more flirty. But for whatever reason (insecurity) neither of us ever had the guts to actually come out and say something. And then he started dating someone who made it CLEAR she was into him. And I started dating someone who made it CLEAR that he was into me. So we drifted. His girlfriend hated me and wanted nothing to do with me so that increased the distance. Our relationship became staring in the hallway and conversations only happened if we were in a group of people. This went on till we graduated.  Prom night we shared a hug and this intense long look that still makes me nervous when I think about it. And that was it. We went to different universities and our only contact was random Facebook wall posts once a year.
Then about a year ago we met at a bar. We hugged and joked and laughed. And I got nervous butterflies in my stomach and couldn’t keep the smile off my face.  It was so FUN to feel that way again. A week later I learnt that he had broken up with his girlfriend (the same girlfriend from high school). A day or two after that he sent me a facebook message. Soon we fell into the same pattern as high school, joking and talking, ignoring the GIANT elephant in the room. And every time I meet a guy or say yes to coffee, he’ll send me a text or call to talk about something funny he saw on TV.  It’s confusing and annoying and I know I should say something… but what if it’s all in my head? What if I’m the only one with butterflies?

It’s so timely for me to hear about the “what could’ve been” guys.  Recently, I did something about my “what could’ve been.”  He’s one of my brother’s closest friends, and I’ve known him for about four years.  I only saw him via my brother, and every time, I would get those damn butterflies, and it would take me a day or two to come down off the high of seeing him.  He was in a relationship the first two years that I knew him, so I put the feelings aside and decided they were in my head. 

In any case, my brother had made it clear that he didn’t want his friends dating his sister.  I’m an older sister, btw, my brother’s an irrational idiot.  I knew it was a bit of an issue for him, so I avoided getting caught up in anything.

Anyway, I lost touch with boy for about a year, during which his relationship ended.  He came back into my life over the summer.  I met up with him and my brother for coffee, and he asked me to get dinner with him afterward (we live close to each other).  First time that we spent time on our own.  We hung out fairly regularly for the next months, and every time, those butterflies. 

I couldn’t hold back so I brought it up.  He practically swallowed his tongue, he was SO nervous about crossing the line with his best friend’s sister.  He managed to stutter out that he did feel something but that it’s a line he couldn’t ever cross because his friendship with my brother is too important.

OK.  I left it at that.  We continued hanging out.  The looks between us got longer, there was definite flirting, and the chemistry was…really good.  Then one night, he brought me dead wildflowers.  He picked them while out biking.  He saw them, thought of me, and picked them for me.  By the time he got hold of me to tell me about them, they were dead, and he was super irritated about the whole thing.  I about fell on the floor, both because his reaction was so funny and because OMGHEDIDWHAT???!!!  I insisted he bring them over, dead or not. 

When he did, I thanked him and said how sweet and what the fuck are you doing?  I tried to get him to see what his actions were telling me, how unfair it is to me what’s he doing.  It was like pulling teeth.  Finally FINALLY, he said it all out.  But again insisted that he couldn’t do anything because of my brother.  So I laid it all out too, told him that he was the first guy in years that had my attention, that I didn’t know what this could be, but I wanted to find out.  I didn’t think it was my brother’s business, especially when we didn’t even know how this would turn out.  I wanted to date, and eventually, if there was something to tell, we could tell my brother, and he’d just have to deal. 

He says yes, let’s do this.  I’m flying high for the next 3 or 4 days.  We talk to each other on the regular, checking in with each other like a couple, I’m jazzed as hell.  Then he drops off the face of the earth, no email, no text, no phone.  I reach out, and his response is lukewarm.  Wtf??

Finally, we talk and he says he can’t do it.  He’d been thinking about it, was torn about it, but couldn’t do something he felt was wrong.  I couldn’t argue this anymore.  What could I say that I hadn’t already?  So I said I understood and that I’ll see him around.  He got upset at the thought that we couldn’t be friends.  I was hesitant tho because my feelings are definitely involved, and I didn’t know if I could just be buddies.  But there’s something real here, I felt it, and I knew he felt it too.  I genuinely liked him, maybe even loved him, as a person.  Maybe we aren’t meant to be more than friends. 

So I agreed, and I still don’t know what this means.  My friends are convinced he’s too lame for me, that he’s trying to have it both ways without fighting for any one thing, that I’m too easily giving him whatever he wants.  They’re probably right (I mean we’re not Romeo and Juliet for chrissakes), but I’ll just have to find that out in the long run.  If he ever asked me to try with him again, I’d say no, because I can’t trust him like that.  But I absolutely hate the idea of letting him leave my life. 

I’ve been running my actions through my head, wondering if I could’ve done anything differently.  Should I have kept my mouth shut?  Should I have just thanked him for the flowers, bought him a beer, and said good night?  But if I had, I’d still be wondering.  At least now I know.  I mean it sucks, but at least I know where we stand, and I can work on moving past it.  Otherwise, I’d drive myself crazy dissecting his every word or action. 

I’ve discovered through this experience that I can’t not know.  Not matter what, I have to say it, all of it, no matter the risk, no matter how much I expose myself.  If I didn’t, I would forever regret it.  And the way I’ve felt about this guy…it would be a goddamn shame to have that regret, to miss the experience of him looking at me with everything he feels/felt.  I do not want “could’ve been” guys.  I will always want to know.

Shy and Bewildered,

It’s really easy to tell when a guy is into you…he smiles at you.  What you are looking for is a big, cheesy, shit-eating grin.  Crinkly, sparkly eyes.  Sometimes a blush.  Heck, there’s a 48 year old guy that comes into my work and does all of the above plus the “aw shucks” ground kick sometimes.

Another signal is if you can see the little boy they once were when they talk to you/smile at you.  Or if they start acting like a big floppy puppy dog.

Go for the goofy ones—the ones that can’t keep their happiness in check.  They will be more likely to give you the affection and attention you deserve.

Good luck to you!!!

Okay, my brief two cents here.  You are a grown woman, this is a man you haven’t thought about except in passing for lo these many years. Why bother with all the drama and trouble?  One, he may well be Ted Bundy and you just don’t need that, right?  Two, he might be an okay romantic candidate with a LOT of WORK and, come on, you don’t need that either, right?  I mean, you got some game.  Find a cool guy.  (Yes, even we shy gals can do it.)  And Three, even if you do go out and he kind of likes you and you end up together and “happy,” you’re always going to have that back drama of “why didn’t you ever talk to me in high school when you were going out with all those skanky girls,” etc, etc. 

Basically, nothing good can come of it.  Keep your eyes on your own paper and keep an eye open for a man who’s really on your much, much higher level.

What Beki said.

The peanut gallery here is saying CREEP loud and clear… I think you should take the hint.  Read The Gift of Fear, and embrace that feeling that something is off/weird/uncomfortable about another person and use it to stay safe!  Anyone who cared about you would realize that they were making you uncomfortable, and my theory is that he LIKES making you uncomfortable.  My advice is to make a firend—male OR female in the class, so you have someone to both watch your back and keep you distracted from him so you don’t waste your time obsessing!

heard82… you’ve definitely heard at least 82 times that this guy is bad news.