Bitchin' Blog Posts
Even in the Freezer, It’s Still Wrong
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | August 22, 2009 | Saturday at 2:59 pm | 48 CommentsFrom Zoe Archer, a link that proves that two forms of wrong do not ever make it right.
Behold, an erect monument (heh) to anyone who really, really wanted the full Edward experience. A dildo that SPARKLES ... AND you can put it in the freezer. Not only did TantusInc come up with (heh) a sparkly peen vibrator, but they updated it for those whose tastes run cold:
Updated by popular request… Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.
Oh. Dear. Lord. It gets worse: you can be shadow stalked around your bedroom, too.
What’s next? (Don’t answer that).
Sandy said on 08.22.09 at 03:44 PM • [link]
Wow. I can’t believe that I not only followed your link to the website, but I actually watched the little video. (Although little might be the wrong word to use in this case…)
Tina C. said on 08.22.09 at 03:56 PM • [link]
Not making any value judgments here, but what exact do you google to get that first link??
DS said on 08.22.09 at 04:02 PM • [link]
Oh, no, not the silhouette. Black painted wooden silhouettes were a popular flea market item for a while—probably right after the cut out of the old lady bending over and showing her knickers. There was one popular one of a man in a hat smoking a pipe that always gave me the creeps when I would see it next to someone’s mailbox or on a porch. Edward the Stalker gives me the same reaction.
AgTigress said on 08.22.09 at 04:39 PM • [link]
Goodness gracious. What a lot of very strange-looking vibrators there are these days!
:-D
Dark Puck said on 08.22.09 at 05:21 PM • [link]
There’s also an Edward shower curtain. I just about died laughing.
Cleo said on 08.22.09 at 05:22 PM • [link]
Did you see the shower curtain?
katiebabs said on 08.22.09 at 05:50 PM • [link]
OHH it sparkles! Does it fly around the room and shoot out rainbows and stars?
JoanneL said on 08.22.09 at 05:55 PM • [link]
*snort!*
I don’t feel so bad now since I’ve been obsessing on a tee shirt that was in this weeks sale flyers.
I HATE tee shirts with sayings.
And, for full disclosure, I didn’t read Meyer’s books
And I don’t like sparkly vampires.
But still…. a tee shirt that says “I heart sparkly boys”????
What is wrong with me that I can’t forget seeing it?
And now this.
I need mind-bleach.
theo said on 08.22.09 at 06:01 PM • [link]
WOW…um…well…though if they could teach it how to mow the lawn, we’d never need a man again…
JaneyD said on 08.22.09 at 06:22 PM • [link]
Curse you Theo—now I have a mental picture of a riding lawnmower tricked out with a sparkly dildo and all my female neighbors want to borrow the danged thing!
theo said on 08.22.09 at 06:27 PM • [link]
LOL! Sorry, Janey. My first picture was it walking behind a push mower with little retractable stick arms and legs. I know, I’m sick…can’t help it though. That’s just too funny looking to take seriously.
Carrie Lofty said on 08.22.09 at 06:32 PM • [link]
From the cut-out thingie: “...put him on the back of your bedroom door so he can be intrigued while you sleep!”
I haven’t read the novels, so is Edward intrigued by a pile of cats, snoring, and the occasional bit of drool? Oh, wait, Bella probably doesn’t have any of that going on.
Lori(K) said on 08.22.09 at 06:53 PM • [link]
My first thought about the silhouette was that if you buy that you better also spring for the vibrator because no actual man is going to be caught dead getting it on in a room with that thing on the wall.
Shana said on 08.22.09 at 07:15 PM • [link]
Does it also beat the snot out of you when you’re…um…pleasing yourself? :D
Zoe Archer said on 08.22.09 at 07:42 PM • [link]
Hee!
I wonder if the dildo engages in subtly abusive and manipulative behavior, isolating you from your family and friends and making you increasingly dependent on it. ‘Cause if it did, that would be awesome.
Also, I enjoy how the silhouette is displayed in a very West Elm room, and not, say, a cluttered bedroom full of empty soda cans and piles of clothing strewn over the chipped, pink furniture.
Betsy said on 08.22.09 at 07:59 PM • [link]
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sorry, I think I may have had something to say about this at first butBWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I can’t stop laughing long enough to think what it was.
spamword call68 reminds me of an old joke. What’s a 68? It’s when you go down on me and I owe you one…
Monica Burns said on 08.22.09 at 09:49 PM • [link]
I think it’s overpriced, because it doesn’t come with that vibrating little bat attached to that’s designed to help a woman achieve the ultimate orgasm.
I mean there are plenty of educational objects out there with rabbits and dolphins on them. Why not made a real statement with a bat beating it’s wings?
SonomaLass said on 08.22.09 at 10:00 PM • [link]
Wow. Really, there are no words.
This. Absolutely.
But the only t-shirt I want from Twilight is the one that says “Then Buffy staked Edward. The End.” My son wears that one a lot.
Brandi said on 08.22.09 at 10:07 PM • [link]
I’m half-expecting one of the companies that makes, uh, animal-based toys to rebrand one of their canine models the “Jacob Black.”
Ashley Ladd said on 08.22.09 at 10:21 PM • [link]
LOL. This reminds me of the video I just watched of Adam Lambert in an American Idol concert where fans (are they fans?) are throwing dildos at him while he’s on stage.
I never dreamed they’d have cold dildos. Who wants a cold cock?
JaneyD said on 08.22.09 at 10:48 PM • [link]
SonomaLass—this is for you and your son:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM
Buffy vs. Edward
Wish I’d done that one!
Saam said on 08.23.09 at 01:07 AM • [link]
The wall decal comes in silver metallic - then he can sparkle on your wall…
I suppose you could somehow attach the dildo to the wall at the appropriate place & there you have it - 3D Edward!
Can’t believe just said that.
dreamweaver said on 08.23.09 at 01:18 AM • [link]
Holy crap! What an a**hole!!! I almost choked when he said he doesn’t date women who are not psychologically normal. Um, dude, take a look in the mirror. What a freak!!!
mingqi said on 08.23.09 at 01:34 AM • [link]
my fave line: “try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle”
nekobawt said on 08.23.09 at 01:44 AM • [link]
my mind won’t stop screaming. o.o
Jennifer Armintrout said on 08.23.09 at 02:27 AM • [link]
I don’t know, I think the sparkledong is worse than the cut out.
But both are MONUMENTALLY CREEPY WTF WHY WOULD ANYONE MAKE THAT?
GrowlyCub said on 08.23.09 at 03:43 AM • [link]
I watched the little video too, and my impression is not so much of the dildo itself (kinda pathetic sparkles, those), but about how I would never buy a dildo from a company that has a spider running through its advertising.
Sorry, arachnophobe here. Keep your semi-sparkly, cold thingiemabob, thank you very much! :)
Carin said on 08.23.09 at 04:48 AM • [link]
I watched the video, too. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but not just jaws type music… And as in the movie, the sparkle effect fell kind of flat for me… :)
Jennie said on 08.23.09 at 05:33 AM • [link]
Rainbows and kittens and sparkly dildos, oh my!
And of course my spamword is “came93”.
Cat Marsters said on 08.23.09 at 12:41 PM • [link]
Can’t say how much I love that the Edward silhouette is displayed in a room with a double bed. Because nothing says grown-up relationship like a teenage vampire cutout watching you sleep.
I saw the dildo thing the other day. Why have I not read any vampire books with sparkly penises? I demand they become the standard for all vamp romances, now.
Rhonni said on 08.23.09 at 02:03 PM • [link]
I am overwhelmed at the awesomeness of the readers/commenters here ... I’m headed of to work and cannot stop giggling.
Midknyt said on 08.23.09 at 02:25 PM • [link]
Had to watch the video after that. Actually, I find it quite appropriate - I think I’d feel the same kind of terror as if I was in the water and Jaws was after me as if I was being pursued as Edward’s love interest.
It did look like a man’s hands though. “What’d you do at work today honey?” “I went into the sunlight to move an Edward dildo back and forth so people could see the sparkle.” Perhaps I shouldn’t complain about my job anymore. :)
I also liked the extra cheese they added in the description, my guess because they couldn’t flat out mention Twilight or related things without getting sued: (emphasis mine)
We got the hint! Oy. Although the fact that they had to update that it keeps cold by “popular request” worries me a bit. That means there would be a market out there that wants it.
Spamword: weeks36. It may take 36 weeks to get these images out of my head.
Casi Nerina said on 08.24.09 at 03:11 AM • [link]
You missed eclipse
Tina said on 08.24.09 at 07:06 AM • [link]
I can’t…there isn’t…WHAT.
I think the thing that gets me the most is that the cut-out? IT"S SOLD OUT.
At least with the sparkly peen, you could like back and think of England, I guess. Only colder.
And my spam word is “forces31.” The things I could say…
Midknyt said on 08.24.09 at 07:06 AM • [link]
Yeah, and I saw it was there too. Curse the lack of editing.
On the It’s a Small World After All side, I think you and I had word wars in Korea during NaNo. Long time no see (or, well, Skype). :)
Lorelie said on 08.24.09 at 02:07 PM • [link]
Yes, but will they be caught UNdead?
Dude. Spam verification: last69. If you really *were* to hook up with Eddie, I hope you enjoyed your last 69. ‘Cause I imagine it’d be the last one you’d ever, ever get.
XandraG said on 08.24.09 at 04:34 PM • [link]
Nothing in the universe will ever make me have unseen this. I weep now, out of bleeding eyes blinded by sparkles.
liz m said on 08.24.09 at 09:35 PM • [link]
I heart Zoe Archer.
Also, the silhouette being sold out makes me sad. I wanted to buy one and creep into my (adult) brother’s room when he’s asleep and put that up. It would raise the sibling prank stakes to unheard of levels.
Lorelie said on 08.24.09 at 09:40 PM • [link]
Fear not, then. If you click on vinylfruit’s shop, she has more. She also has car decals and mini-versions for your brother’s laptop.
You may thank me later for pointing that out. Your brother probably won’t, however.
liz m said on 08.24.09 at 11:55 PM • [link]
Bwhahahahaha. Lorelie, you have made my holiday season.
Laurel said on 08.25.09 at 02:54 AM • [link]
I’ve been trying to figure out what was sooooooo wrong about this since it posted. Perhaps the myriad of reasons cited here, valid each and every one, was what kept me from reaching the very obvious.
Um, who cares if it sparkles? When applied appropriately can you actually see it? And if you can, how are you getting sunlight there?
Lori(K) said on 08.25.09 at 04:47 AM • [link]
Earlier I reserved comment on the toy and just mocked the wall thingie. However, I will admit that I was mocking inside though. For me the sparkles aren’t actually the issue, the marketing is. Goodness knows that isn’t the first adult toy to be sparkly or iridescent. And as you noted it’s not like you can see the sparkles when the toy is in use. It’s also far from being the first one to advertise that it can be used cold. Sensation play is a lucrative market.
For me the problem is that the name + the sparkles + the temperature issue + the ad copy = explicitly marketing to people who want to pretend they’re having sex with Edward McSparklepants. Something about that just feels off to me.
Everyone is entitled to whatever fantasy floats her boat and I’m not going to judge. There is something about marketing so specifically to such a specific fantasy that makes me feel the need to mock though.
Casse said on 08.25.09 at 09:53 AM • [link]
OH Good-NESS. This is just…too….too much. *Speechless.*
Laurel said on 08.25.09 at 07:41 PM • [link]
Lori:
Ah. A very valid and dare I say scholarly analysis of the issue in question.
At the end of the day this resonates WRONG on so many levels the fibers of my being vibrate in rebellion. No pun intended.
I wonder if poor, wholesome Stephenie Meyer has got wind of this yet? On the other hand, she must be aware of the cutout since it appears to be licensed. Whatever happened to a nice poster of the BeeGees?
In a word: ICK. But funny!
LOL said on 08.26.09 at 04:01 AM • [link]
How much more proof do you need that Twilight promotes abstinence? LOLOL
camille said on 09.02.09 at 10:26 PM • [link]
OMG. It must sto-o-o-op!!!! I cannot ...
OK Does any one know where I can get a gallon of brain bleach institutional strength?
I’ll pay a hefty finders fee.
Please?
Liz said on 09.03.09 at 12:26 AM • [link]
Am I the only one that thought of Peter Pan when the shadow thing came up. I’m actually picturing Edward Cullen fighting with his shadow the way that Peter Pan does in the Disney animated movie.
Also, I hope the sparkles don’t come off of the dildo while you’re using it. I mean yeah there is that joke about dressing up for the gyno, but COME ON!
Sal said on 09.03.09 at 08:22 PM • [link]
I still think the creepiest thing of all are the comments. I mean . . . look at this:
“OMG! I LOVE the Twilight Series so much! This dildo is great because one minute I shut my eyes and pretend I am screwing Edward with his cold, sparkling, marble cock; then the next, I warm it up and pretend Jacob is doing me from behind [you know, DOGGY STYLE! LOLZ!!!] I have multiples because sometimes I like to pretend they are both ravishing my body at the same time. Also, I like to tie them to my cats and pretend they are were-vamp-kitties! I just wish a balls were included with the shaft, so that Edward and Jacob could take turns tea-bagging me…another good idea is to hold your hand in ice water for a bit, and then you can act like Edward is giving you a donkey punch as well!”
I’m so happy I’m too young to know what a “donkey punch” is. Or “tea-bagging”, though I can guess on that one.
But the part that freaked me out the most was the bit about the cats. Why would she tie sparkly dildos to her cats? Does she . . . You know what? I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.
Here’s another gem:
“I dream about them biting me and I also dream about their big cold cocks inside of me. I just ordered 3 of them, and I plan to freeze them all and use them all at once.”
D8 I don’t like these people. They scare me.
P.S. My spam verification is “above24.” I’m not even gonna touch that one.
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