Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Ok - you got me with the “chin weenie” line. Dude, that thing looks scribbled on with a crayola! You know these two were on Jerry Springer at some point.

Every time I swear you bitches have shown me the worst there is, you crack open a can of “whoop-ass” and I mean that quite literally. When I saw the Apple Pie cover, I almost cried in pity for the author. Look at how he’s holding that bat - he’s not going to swing it, he’s going to ram it up somebody - maybe you for catching him trotting his naked fuzzy ass around the stadium.

Thanks for starting my morning off so asstacularly.

And WHAT is wrong with back fat?  Some of us have it….were born with it, kept it during our anorexic twenties and still carry it around with—-

we still carry it around.  So we are not only kind to those with it (and who add it to their turnip greens) but we’ll also sleep with them because, well…..if they’re breathing and not on Medicare its a big plus.

Hell, picky-ass women—- The first guy would be just fine after a shower—-
Second one too.

As for hairy butts, damn you chillin’ are young if you think THAT is a hairy butt on an adult male in 3# (or maybe virgin brides) ;)  Face is goofy, but the butt looks like a regular normal guy-butt (who doesn’t get manicures or use face cream).

As for #4….
ewwww.

Spaminator word Hair35—-
Yep, better a hairy man than some scrawny ass little boy with 35 hairs on his chest.

#2—I think John Travolta should sue because that really looks like Vinnie Babarino…

PS,
I’ve decided that I’m the Anti-SB.
Books y’all think are bad, I think are good.
Books y’all think are great, I think are disappointing.
Author’s y’all mock, I adore.

Guys y’all wouldn’t do I would.

OK, maybe I’m just older than dirt and don’t give a flip anymore ;)

Spaminator word—End77
Yes, my end was at it’s best in 77.

A view to shudder, more like.

After The Big Hit and the locker room scene, I have pretty high standards for butt shots.

Those nasty ass covers are so not work safe. 

Yikes, that one winged angel ass is just nasty.

I didn’t think the guitar one was that bad. Give the artist some props for some photoshop skills, unlike the chin weenie cover.

Not sure I like the displays of ass crack. Although at least it’s male tushes being shown. But what’s next? Naked boobies? I don’t want to see that. Someone should tell these artists to leave something to the imagination, it’s sexier that way.

That one dude is gonna need that bat—idiot is walking naked on the ball field. 

Okay the “dip your schmecky in water and hump an amped-up electric guitar” made me spew coffee all over my damned monitor.  Made my day.

bah humbug

when are the covers gonna show what we REALLY want to see?
the hero’s american express numbers and their huge man swords!!

I bet the jeans on the chin-ween guy are cut off just below the picture. And frayed. And he’s looking very scared because the DEA guys are about to bust up his meth lab.

And hey, doesn’t the Apple Pie guy look like Robbie Benson?

Okay, that last one just made me laugh.  Because the bad?  It was just *so* bad…

I imagine the back cover to be something like “Lurlene and Larry take on the forces of hell to prove that all the love you need in life, you can find in your very own family.  Sure, others feel that brothers and sisters shouldn’t be together in “that” way, but Lurlene and Larry are determined to prove them wrong.  After all, if you look like Jesus on acid, the world is your playground!”

The one winged, backfat angel on the first one also seems to be holding a headless body.

Am I the only one who thinks the chick on number 4 looks like and early 90’s Alyssa Milano with a horrible poodle perm?

“gay angel with backfat”

Ignoring the wing thing going on…

OK, that’s just reality there people! Come on, as a male consumer who has consumed a fair share of males most “healthy” men with the big huge beefy muscle bods (You know the type like Samoan *boy did I moan*) have the flab in those areas.

This is not a crime, that is natural, and that, yes THAT, OH MAN THAT is one sweet ass there. Not a nasty skin problem from over steroid use in sight.

So I gotta admire the good healthy normal things and let go of the need to be overly perfect concerns about the back flab there.

I mean let’s admire the healthy ones that are made that way and point out the oblivious steroid clowns OK?

Did you have to bring up Real Dolls?  That’s just ooks me out.

And to the lady in Kiss of Deceipt…really, if the man has bigger titties than you, this may be a problem.

Okay, THAT’S IT!! You just do NOT fuck around with the Marcus Schenkenberg pics people! It’s sacrilegious, dammit! And putting that poser’s head on the Schenk’s most excellent bod is just flat out heinous!

Oh, and I have a confession to make. But don’t let it get around, okay?

You know that first guy… Humpty AngelButt?

I would so do him.

BevL(QB)

Oh man, how has nobody mentioned the horrific photoshop job on the asscracktastic Apple Pie dude yet? I’ve obviously spent too much time on the internet because the very first thing I thought of when I saw that cover was “omg my hed iz pasted on yey!” He’s a bobblehead!

spam word- working44 because whoever was “working” on this cover should be slapped with a haddock.

I don’t know, I don’t mind angel boy’s back fat. Of all the choices, of all the covers so far offered for us, he’s the only one who doesn’t appear to have some sort of nasty rash.

If only they hadn’t spliced that awkward bird wing on his back like that!

I misread the first title as “A View to Kill,” which might be accurate.

Curses, Candy! I can’t get that damn song out of my head now. How did you know that is one of those tunes that just sticks in there for days and days?

“Just call me angel of the morning, baby….”

Argh.

Backfat, a greasy mullet, and only one wing.

God, it’s sad how Sephiroth has let himself go.

Actually, it’s the contrast of the muscled arms with the pudgy butt and waist that bugs me. A little pudge can be cute, but this just looks… weird.

Clearly it’s bobblehead night at the ballpark in Apple Pie. Naked, scary-eyed bobblehead night.

MamaNice beat me - I was going to say the chin weenie looks like it was drawn on with the marker tool.

Ben Affleck’s face iz pasted on yey!

There couldn’t possibly be any reason why no.4 is giving me flashbacks to Dara Joy?

Nope. Must be that backflesh causing my brain to wobble.

Sweet Jesus!  A naked Ben Affleck bobblehead doll!  I’ve got to get one of those to go with my Ben Affleck Daredevil bobblehead !  (Daredevil bobblehead is pictured just below the “Buddy Christ” bobblehad.)

Spamblocker word: fear41 As in—I fear that the angel in A View to a Kill is eating that poor naked woman, starting at her head!

oops—-that was supposed to be the Ben Affleck Daredevil bobblehead

The Apple Pie Guy has a head that’s as long as his hips are wide.

Oh, the humanity. Think of all the impressionable young boys who will look at this cover and think that to be hot to women, they not only have to be hairless, buff and back-fat-less, they also have to have a head twice as large as all the other guys.

The poor dears. It’s not like they don’t worry about size already.

Appropos spambeater: big46

Photoshop is so liberating. To think, people used to have to resort to safety scissors and library paste to produce cover art of this quality!

Where can a girl buy tickets to the Naked Baseball League?

Look!  #5.  It’s Guy Pierce’s skanky twin brother.

And I’m with BevL and Teddy Pig.  I love a beefy guy and the only thing wrong with Angel Boy is the mutant wing and the greasy hair and those parts are photoshopped on anyway. 

Totally doable!

Mr. Apple Pie looks like the publisher used the services of Pageant Photo Retouching.

Okay, the Slash line had me ROLLING on the floor - until someone in the comments said “bobblehead!” LOLOLOL!!!

I think that is Dave Grohl AND Taylor Hawkins.

I really try hard not to laugh when I’m here. These are my friends; their feelings are hurt. So I stop in just to hate you bitches and see how offended you can make me today. You had me at Dave Grohl. Finally got me. I hated you through the Triskelion thing (I like Gail) and countless other Entertainment Tonight episodes.

I can’t stop laughing. OMG

You’ve gone too far when you bring in Dave Grohl!  I must listen to The Foo to return his proper image in my mind!

Okay bitchery,

If you dare, Google playgirl, then dailyfix, and exorcise those weeny (sorry) cover boys.

Annabella

interest 64 (oh yeah)

Well if a sumo wrestler wants to tone up, that’s o.k.

In some states you are in fact legally allowed to marry your cousin, but I’m not so sure about siblings.

His other wing broke off because when he was a sumo wrestler, well those wings just aren’t designed to handle that much weight.

I just want to point out that my bed is bigger then that guy’s Harley. But if you don’t like hairy butts… well I’m just not going to bother I guess.

Is that what it looks like if a man has an orgasm in outer space? Isn’t he making a mess on his guitar?

1. That’s not back fat, it’s his gills!  Angels need them to breathe in various planetary atmospheres, including the one pictured (Mercury, judging by the size of the sun).

2. That guitar chord does not exist in nature.

3. Dude’s, uh, bat cleared the benches.  And the bleachers.

4. It’s good to see Janine Turner has found work.

5. In the background, is that the Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man on fire?

O.k. one last thing,

Does anyone else see a resemblance here:

http://www.starstore.com/acatalog/Alien-bust-giger-1-01.jpg

I find the back and forth about the first cover rather interesting.  People are always bemoaning societal pressures to equate female beauty with thinness.  But I thought it was a lot less common for that to happen for males-maybe I’m just naive? 

Personally, I’ve always gone for guys with some “heft”.  Cover #1 made me wince when I saw it, but only for its complete lack of subtlety, not because I thought the model was unattractive.

Regarding cover #5: Morning comes to cheap white trash.

Sally,

Actually this all ties in with my problems with romance covers in general.
Men, real men have hella character when you add body hair, tats, and not out right flab but a little meat never hurts.

AND my major bitch is why why why why why is every damn single cover model pasted in with long hair???

What gives with that creepy clone thing?

I mean hell, I think they are even pasting mullets on the Navy Seals covers now and that is not reg.

I swear I am so glad I talked my writer into that hairy bod muscle chested model on the cover even though it looked like he was growing back in.

It separates it from the pack as far as covers goes.

Next tats, bald, goatee and assless chaps with a hairy tush on a motorcycle.

Maybe I can even get some hairy bear gay porn stars to pose for me.

You won’t know what hit ya.

*Rubs hands in evil glee.*

Maybe I can even get some hairy bear gay porn stars to pose for me.

You won’t know what hit ya.

*Rubs hands in evil glee.*

Heh. I don’t know if he’s into leather, and he’s not very hairy, but maybe Aiden Shaw would do it for a lark. *wink*

Baseball bats, pointy beards, guitars, motorcycles.  These covers are teeming with metaphoric penis imagery.

I was going to say I rather liked the first one. It actually looks professonally done. The wing maybe could use some work, but there’s nothing wrong with it otherwise. I didn’t even notice the backfat until it was pointed out. And, the mullet? It’s not a mullet, it’s a ponytail. You can see the gather clearly.

Does it bother no one that we can’t see the woman’s head in number one? Does no one consider (and factor in the title) that pudgy, one-winged angel guy has BITTEN HER HEAD CLEAN OFF?

Lawfully Yours?  I think their meth lab just blew up poisoning the entire town. 

The man with the bat seems to be some sort of huge headed alien who can disconnect his cervical vertebra in order to look at what is coming up behind him. 

Number one, I could live with the back fat—put the wing, the—for gawd’s sake pony tail!

OK, these are pathetic. I have NO, I repeat NO, artistic talent, but I honestly think I could do better work with Photoshop.  And I swear that #3 has at least part of John Travolta’s face. He should sue.

And people get PAID for this???  Damn.

As usual, I laughed so hard at the snark and the comments that one of dogs got worried and came to check on me.

Hmm.  Word is “top53.”  It’s too early in the morning for the kind of jokes I could make about that…

I have been trying to ignore this new, utterly inexplicable cover from Loose-Id, but it keeps popping up in my nightmares.  Who would find this cover alluring?  It makes me shiver and vomit at the same time (shivit?), which is different, but not exciting.

http://www.loose-id.com/detail.aspx?ID=503

So not seeing backfat on the poor mutilated angel.  That thing above her arm is muscle.  Look at a good backview of a naked man (Deuce Bigelow provides us with a very nice one) 

But just one wing?  Did she saw the other off to keep him earthbound or what?

The Loup-Garou cover is hot.  Period.

Apple pie?  Ewww.  he’s the “nice boy” next door your parents keep trying to set you up with but you won’t go.  Why?  You caught him tanning kitten hides in the back shed, and he said he always wanted a book bound in human skin…  His butt is VERY normal and not at all hairy.  (then again, I used to date Chewbacca’s second cousin, so my standards are lax)

Her look went out in the eighties, but he still likes checking her ass.

Worst. Cover. Models. and. Expressions. Ever.
He’d be cute if he didn’t look like he was being terrorized.  She’s got the “I’m on heavy valium” thing going.  And badddddd photoshop on his whiskers.

God, it’s sad how Sephiroth has let himself go.

Major beverage spewage.

Considering the length of Sephy’s sword, it’s only natural that he should go into newd modeling.

Yeah, I’m with Teddy Pig et al on kind of digging the first cover. I saw that backfat and though, no, that’s just a bad pose, not real backfat. Tried to angle my head so that I would not see the mullet/angel wing.

And then I stared. And had seriously lascivious thoughts. Rowr.

But would someone explain to me why so many of the men on those totally photoshopped covers look like they were assembled from one of those children’s flip books where you could switch the eyes, nose, and mouth to make new faces? It looks so wierd.

OMG, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying now. Must read through all the posts to be caught up!

Nora:  Agreed, the headless victim is worrying, but are you sure it’s a woman? That’s an awfully muscular thigh out in front of One Wing. At least :headtilt: I think it’s a thigh?

Another vote for One Wing (good moniker, Bella!) being rather appealing. The urge to squeeze his butt is high, and I mean that in a good way.

I thought his headless victim was female until Bella’s comment made me look again. I think the thigh is female enough, but now I’m wondering about that hand and arm. Kinda thick wrist, hey?

#2 isn’t offensive on the eyes, just plain funny.

About the other covers, the less said, the better.

Agreeing that the butt in #1 is very squeezable! ;)

What concerns me about #1 isn’t the fat (doesn’t worry me) or the single wing or the Headless HoWoman or even the slimy greasy hair but the fact that the title is the same as a James Bond story, and a movie that made $200 million worldwide. 1985 was not the Paleolithic era.

It’s sort of like titling a book “The Empire Strikes Back”.

To clarify, it’s not the copyright, since titles can’t be copyrighted, but the fact that (in my opinion) it’s a poor marketing decision. People will assume somebody either messed up or wasn’t smart enough to know there was a movie by that name.

Even if the book is based on the short story and movie, it makes the writer look sloppy (which is unfortunate, since we all know how often publishers change book names).

Charlene, I’m with you on the re-use of a fairly distinctive phrase as a title. I wonder if it has a specific antecedent? Frex, I’m annoyed by how many books are titled “Ill Met By Moonlight,” but in theory they’re all pretentiously drawing on the same source (Shakespeare).

Though I will note that the Duran Duran song beat out the Juice Newton in the earworm battle for my brain. This was something of a relief.

I’m sorry, Sarah, but the original photo for #5 was not taken in a basement.  Our lovebirds here are obviously a couple of self-proclaimed Satanists who have just showed up at their local neo-pagan festival.  Mere seconds after this pic was snapped, she ripped off her crappy low-rent-Renfest blouse and they both began body-painting each other with what initially appeared to be Crowley-esque symbols, but were later recognized as coming from various heavy metal album covers.  Once they were suitably gitted-up, they headed over the the drumming circle by the bonfire behind those trees.  Wanna take bets on whether either of them could dance?

A View to a Kill combined with James Bond does sort of bring up the idea of a 19th century lithograph of a hunt scene; but I’ve wondered about this before and never come up with an original source.

The first cover in spite of the aformentioned flaws is well-rendered, with good detail, proportion and use of lighting. Too bad about the headless lover, though.

Baseball guy should be renamed Mr. Potato Head. Talk about yer interchangeable parts.

The Kissin’ Cousins… well, ‘nuff said. I hear strains of Deliverance in my head.

This site is an endless source of inspiration. Everybody stay tuned for my new baseball-themed erotica, The Empire Balls Back, coming soon.

Filter: *values16* Riiiiiiiight.

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