Bitchin' Blog Posts
Doc Turtle: Dark Lover by JR Ward Chapters 10-15
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | August 06, 2009 | Thursday at 11:22 am | 105 Comments
Killing me softly with this tome: Chapters 10 through 16 of J.R. Ward’s Dark Lover
Oy. Another six chapters. The action’s heating up and the plot takes a few odd turns, but the characters are pretty much stuck in place. There’s pretty much no characterization beyond “Beth is bold and sexy” and “Wrath is a total bad-ass.” These characters are flatter than a stretch of Interstate in Indiana.
Let’s pick up where we left off…
Chapter Ten: Mangled metaphors on aisle six
Beth lies in bed near the end of her steamy Wrathful night. She looks over her partner dreamily.
“He was huge. And stacked.”
Mm hm.
“He had no hair on his torso or arms and legs at all…even down there…why he’d go the Full Monty with a razor was a mystery.”
Mmmmmmkay.
“His abdomen was ribbed as if he were smuggling paint rollers under his skin.”
Now that’s romantic. Six points for proper use of the subjunctive mood, but only one for metaphorical flourish.
The two of them make small talk, and it’s evident already that they’re falling for one another. Wrath pledges his vigilant protection, and Beth assumes he’s a bodyguard sent by Butch to keep her safe. Before he goes, Wrath schedules a tête-à-tête at Darius’s house and promises Beth that Bill Riddle will pay for what he’s done to her.
Back at the ranch, Rhage gives Wrath a little good-natured manly ribbing about his late-night rendezvous the previous evening. “You got some grind tonight, didn’t you?” After a little more teasing Wrath threatens his friend with bodily harm, at which point Rhage relents in yet more stilted “gangsta” slang: “I’m feeling you.”
Okay, if all of these guys are supposed to be centuries old, why in the hell do they talk like twenty-something bangers? Or at least how forty-something (sorry, J.R., I’m just taking a wild guess…you might want to update your own Wikipedia page) romance writers imagine twenty-something bangers probably talk? Shouldn’t they be doing the dozens in Old High German or something like that? How frickin’ cool would that be?!?
“Rhage, du nalles unwan ein waldesil bist!”
Sadly, it is not to be.
We end the chapter with Mr. X, who’s dragged Cherry Pie’s body into a filth-encrusted alleyway to serve as vampire bait. (Did you think I was kidding before?) The plan works. Kinda. After pelting the poor vampire who shows up to the smorgasbord with ineffectively weak tranquilizer darts, Mr. X flees the scene. Back to the drawing board.
Chapter Eleven: This is a public service announcement on behalf of the Centers for Disease Control
Beth awakens. “With the dawn’s arrival the hot night’s mystery had faded, and she was forced to face what she had done. Unprotected sex with a total stranger was one hell of a wake-up call.”
Props for social consciousness, J.R. Little does Beth know that STDs are the least of her worries.
She sets about her day, breakfasting on Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers (I wish I were kidding) and finding herself more and more sensitive to the sunlight. She’s off to the police station to see what she can get from Butch on the big doin’s in the downtown dens of deceit and destruction.
“Oh my God, this is Mary,” she tells Butch when she’s shown a picture of Cherry Pie. It appears that Ms. Randall and Ms. Pie (née Mary Mulcahy) were once residents at the same orphanage. Small world! Butch tells Beth that evidence indicates the same culprit in both known murders: “Another throwing star.” The plot thickens.
Especially once Beth thanks Butch for sending her a guardian palooka and he reacts as we’d expect him to: “Friend? What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t send anyone over to your place.” Um. Yeah.
Beth scratches her plan to meet Wrath that night from her mental to-do list.
Back at Darius’s house, Wrath thinks back on the night before, not without another ham-fisted product placement on behalf of an American automaker. After leaving Beth’s place he’d joined Vishous (in his Escalade!) in an attempted rescue of the vampire Mr. X had beaten from the bushes that night. The poor kid (“he’d been six months out from his transition”) hadn’t made it. Oh, the humani…er…vampirity! Wrath tries to clear his thoughts by listening to Jay-Z’s The Black Album (now available at Tower Records!).
The last several pages are a pretty dull recounting of Mr. X’s double date with a pair of students from his dojo, the now-famous Billy Riddle and another we’ll know only as “The Loser.” Mr. X. picks them up in his Hummer (of course) and takes them off to…Laser Tag! Ah ‘80s, may you forever live!
Chapter Twelve: Beth uses the Internets
“Boy, the Internet was handy.” Beth pulls a Nancy Drew on the address Wrath had given her the night before and finds little useful information. The house is in Fritz’s name, but despite the house’s fame (it’s on the National Register of Historic Places!) no one knows much about it. She calls the cops, hoping to get a hold of Butch, but he’s out. Luckily he calls her back in a little while.
“Butch O’Neal’s voice was a gravel pit, she thought. In a good way.” Not in the suck-you-under-and-suffocate-you way, I guess.
Meanwhile Wrath can’t get Beth out of his mind. He wonders if she’s his pyrocant, which Ward defines as a vampire’s “critical weakness.” I guess my pyrocant is Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream.
Even if she’s a weakness, Wrath can’t let her go…after all, who’d look after her? One by one he mentally eliminates his brothers from the list of potential protectors. Rhage would only sleep with her, and Vishous is too messed up. And Zsadist?...out of the question. Nope, it’s gotta be Wrath.
Before the chapter ends we learn a little bit more about Vishous: he’s mildly clairvoyant, but the futures a bit hazy. (Later we’ll learn that, as has been hinted at before, Rhage can channel a demon so terrible it makes Trogdor look like Teddy Ruxpin. But we’ll save that for later…)
Chapter Thirteen: The green-eyed monster
Butch and Beth, having just enjoyed a lovely night together, are about to part company while Wrath looks on from afar. He sees Butch’s car (“a nondescript American sedan”…but what make is it? What model?!!), and he could smell Butch’s lust (“through the sedan’s glass and steel”). His temper flares more hotly still when Butch mans up and plants one on Beth’s lips.
He’s not a bad kisser, it turns out, but Beth feels nothing real. “I’m not doing it for you, am I?” Butch asks. And then, “What’s up with you an men? Do you, ah, do you like them? Us, I mean?” Smooth, Butch. Smooth. Further evidence that every man in this book talks like a steroid-addled high school jock.
Alas, Butch, her heart’s been claimed already. Very easily, I might add.
I can’t help but interject, having at this point read far more of this book than the first thirteen chapters, that I found the lack of romantic tension in this book pretty unappealing. Now, the current chapter ends on page 109, not even a third of the way in, so you might think there are plenty of twists and turns awaiting our would be paramours as they struggle to reconcile their unholy love for one another. Ah, but you’d be wrong! As we’ll see later, every potential obstacle to their love’s requital falls down faster than a Star Trek extra in a bright red shirt.
Chapter Fourteen: Another short chapter, in which our two lead lunkheads fight over the female
The last chapter closed as Butch spied Wrath making his way toward Beth across her apartment complex’s lawn. Quicker than you can say “Bela Lugosi” Butch is out and after Wrath. “Police! Halt!”
Yeah, that’ll work.
Butch takes Wrath into awkward custody and pats him down, revealing a wad of cash and a sample of every weapon known to man, and probably a few that aren’t. After roughing Wrath up a little bit, Butch hauls him off at gunpoint, bound for the station. Before he’s shoved into Butch’s car, Wrath tells Beth why he’d come to her: “your father sent me.”
Chapter Fifteen: Twenty-seven signs you may be a vampire
Down at the stationhouse, Wrath turns the tables on Butch. He frees himself of his handcuffs and gets Butch in a chokehold. Even as he strangles the life out of Butch’s body, Wrath can’t help but be impressed: “the human’s total lack of fear was remarkable. The cop had been pissed to get jumped, and he’d fought back admirably, but he’d never been scared.” Do I sense a buddy cop film coming on?
Beth shows up just in time to plead for Butch’s life, which Wrath grants. As Butch struggles to regain his strength, Beth and Wrath have it out with one another.
“You’re a killer and a liar,” she shouts at him.
“At least you got the first part right,” he replies. And then he shows her he knows what she’s going through by listing all of the symptoms of an imminent transition: “You’ve been really hungry lately, haven’t you? Hungry, but not gaining any weight. And tired. So very tired. Your eyes have been stinging, too, especially in the daytime, right? You’re looking at raw meat and wondering what it tastes like. Your teeth, the upper ones in front, have been sore. Your joints ache, and your skin feels tight. And it’s getting tighter.”
And so on.
What’s next? “Your lumbago’s acting up. You’ve been craving gummi gears, but only on Thursdays. You have a strange obsession with Bob Barker, and want to lick the TV screen every time he implores you to spay and neuter your pets…”
Everything Wrath describes is spot on, and Beth buys his bit well enough to go with him back to Wayne Manor.
What will she there find?
Join me for the next installment, as I make my way into Chapters Sixteen through Twenty!
Filed: General Bitching, Reviews, Guest Bitch Reviews, Dudes Reading Romance
Tagged: vampires, sex, romance, jr ward, indiana, docturtle, doc turtle, black dagger brotherhood
Leslee said on 08.06.09 at 12:24 PM • [link]
I am laughing so hard! This stuff is priceless! Thanks Doc Turtle!!!!!
I still love the BDB for it’s over the top commitment to the intense and overdone!
Terry Odell said on 08.06.09 at 01:12 PM • [link]
I have to agree - the book, even if it were good, would be a total letdown after reading these reviews. I avoided the coffee-sprayed monitor and soaked keyboard, but I’m going to be late for everything this morning.
In truth, the “flat characters” is enough of a reason not to want to read the book. How can there be a story without great characters? Not to mention the fear of addiction. I have enough stuff I read despite the desire to throw the books against the wall. I keep hoping maybe the next one will be good, I guess.
I would LOVE to see what the good Doc would do with Naked in Death, or a Suzanne Brockmann.
Thanks, Doc, for a great start to another hot, miserable, Florida day.
Rae said on 08.06.09 at 01:29 PM • [link]
Ah Doc….wonderful analysis.
Star Opal said on 08.06.09 at 01:47 PM • [link]
It is just way too early to laugh this hard. I am so using “Oh the vampirity!”
You actually used “Back at the ranch.” Honest, every time it goes back to the mansion, that’s what pops up in my head. But it should be stately Wayne Manor.
This whole installment is great, as usual, but that is just perfection. Word up, Tuhrtle.
HeatherK said on 08.06.09 at 01:50 PM • [link]
My personal fave was the Star Trek red shirt mention. hehehe There’s always a red shirt…somewhere, just waiting to get got.
Shelly said on 08.06.09 at 02:19 PM • [link]
And I’d enjoy driving over the characters more.
Mr. X is somewhat reminiscent of Wile E. Coyote, isn’t he?
MicheleKS said on 08.06.09 at 02:20 PM • [link]
Doc, your reviews are hilarious and right on the money.
I gave up on the BDB series after the second book because it just didn’t really do anything for me. Kind of a ‘meh’ reaction.
Terry Odell said on 08.06.09 at 02:29 PM • [link]
Yeah—I have a couple of short stories that will be coming out in an anthology, because I just HAD to write something using the line, “He’s dead, Jim.”
Shiloh Walker said on 08.06.09 at 02:47 PM • [link]
Count me in as another vote to intro Doc to JD Robb. Pretty please…
Ava said on 08.06.09 at 02:51 PM • [link]
Apparently JR was/is a lawyer before she was/is a writer. Her dialogue style came from all of her defending of the big nasties in Boston (New York? Wherever it is she’s from). I got through maybe three pages of dialogue before I flipped to the back “about the author” and then did a compulsory internet search to figure out what her deal was. She’s quite proud of how “with it” she is and how “true” her dialogue is to how the “real bad-ass of today” talks.
I wish I was kidding.
Although now I’m envisioning a six foot eleven, three hundred pound, blind, paint roller smuggling behemoth verbally abusing a guy in Old High German (or Middle English—Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote) and it’s cracking me up.
rebyj said on 08.06.09 at 02:56 PM • [link]
Oh YAY! I didn’t think we’d get another installment for a week. What a great way to spend breakfast, reading Doc Turtle and wiping chocolate milk off my monitor! (Don’t read Doc Turtle while drinking any beverage!)
My favorite too was the star trek extra reference. Too funny!
Doc to bait your interest for the later books: My favorite line of the entire series is in Lover Avenged, this line is by a woman, gently reared upper class vampire civilian nurse: “The night was out of the cool zip code and into chill city” Nothing has topped that yet LOL. Doesn’t it make you want to read more??
Obskuretris said on 08.06.09 at 02:57 PM • [link]
For shizzle Jay Zizzle’s The Black Album is worth a trite reference to “urban” culture, but I thought vampies preferred screaming death metal. Perhaps Ward thinks that gangsta rap speaks to the realness of their mean and hard existence. It’s hard being a
pimp
vampyr.
Lostshadows said on 08.06.09 at 03:06 PM • [link]
I admit that I’ve never read the book, so maybe these points make more sense in context, but 1) since he’s a vampire, wouldn’t Hwhrath be immune to bullets, and 2)if he isn’t, wouldn’t waiting to get to a place where there would be more cops be a really dumb idea?
Story of Mina Jade said on 08.06.09 at 03:10 PM • [link]
One always can grip my attention with a Star Trek or any fantasy hint!
Lori S. said on 08.06.09 at 03:22 PM • [link]
Oh lord, I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself, which would have been REALLY hard to explain at work!
Although I have to admit, I still love this series, flaws and all…
Manna Francis said on 08.06.09 at 03:23 PM • [link]
I can see a problem for Doc here, in that his reviews of bad books are inevitably funnier than his reviews of good ones. Clearly, the Bitches will have to strike a careful balance between giving him bad books to produce the funniest reviews, and good books to keep him coming back to take the bad books.
Story of Mina Jade said on 08.06.09 at 03:23 PM • [link]
* However, I’m somewhat fed up with vampires lately, due to Twilight rubbish. Vampires are not the same like they were in good old times of Stephen King and others.
Lisa J said on 08.06.09 at 03:24 PM • [link]
I lurve Doc Turtle.
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 08.06.09 at 03:28 PM • [link]
ROFLMAO!
Seriously? OK, I think I have to read this book, if only for the laughs. I can see describing a ripped-but-not-too-threatening comic villain this way, but this is supposed to be sexy?
Tina C. said on 08.06.09 at 03:45 PM • [link]
Others have beat me to it, but I have to mention how full of win this line is. The rest of the review was very entertaining, but this made me laugh out loud. (My officemate gave me a funny look about it, too.)
Babs said on 08.06.09 at 03:49 PM • [link]
“Shouldn’t they be doing the dozens in Old High German or something like that? How frickin’ cool would that be?!?”
He he he he he! I’m cryin’ but in a good way. Thank you Doc Turtle.
Kalen Hughes said on 08.06.09 at 03:59 PM • [link]
Once again I must pledge my undying love to the Doc.
PK said on 08.06.09 at 04:04 PM • [link]
Doc T is ROLLING this a.m! The hilarity is ensuing like a MOFO. I’ve been laughing throughout the review. Like others, the Star Trek reference made me snort my tea and then the howling really began when we started licking the Bob Barker-infested television screens. ‘Playing the dozens in Old High German’ brought the children running to see what all the screaming was about.
I didn’t mind this book, but the snark has me hooked and I might just go read it again. Bring on the next chapters.
Tae said on 08.06.09 at 04:18 PM • [link]
I completely agree about the centuries old vampires talking like 20 something gangstas. I definitely would prefer them them talking in German. I would also prefer if they listened to some Rammstein or other industrial music.
Madd said on 08.06.09 at 04:19 PM • [link]
I think part of what I find so jarring about the slang usage is that hearing these vampires, who’ve been around for centuries and have a totally separate culture, speaking like ghetto boys puts an image in my head of suburban kids trying to be hard. It’s not pretty. Some of her slang is pretty dated.
Though, the thought of them running about speaking like the Amish, is just too out there for me.
Initially Wrath let Butch take him so as not to freak Beth out. He wasn’t worried about his ability to get away from the cop later. As to why he waited until they were at the station, well, maybe he just didn’t want to risk the car crash that might ensue should he break while the car was in motion? If there is one thing movies have taught me it’s never cap the driver.
And in closing I would just like to say ... TROGDOR!!!!!!
That is all.
nlowery said on 08.06.09 at 04:22 PM • [link]
I’m not a doctor, but I think Beth is diabetic.
Theresa Meyers said on 08.06.09 at 04:24 PM • [link]
OK, between the hooker shakin’ her booty like a paint can and the hero with the paint roller abs, isn’t anybody else thinking someone might have a thing for paint? Just sayin’.
Doc, thanks again for a tea-snorting good time. The makers of Colorx antibacterial wipes thank you…my computer keyboard does not.
Note to self: beverages not allowed when opening SBTB. No exceptions.
MsMoonlight (Elizabeth Jules Mason) said on 08.06.09 at 04:28 PM • [link]
I love JR Ward’s vampire world of the Black Dagger Brotherhood (outside the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris BDB is my favorite vampire paranormal series of all time).
The reason Wrath doesn’t have body hair is that NO vampires in the BDB series have body hair - males or females. The only hair on their bodies is the hair on top of their heads.
Wrath isn’t my favorite of the series, that would Rhage and Zsadist - they have (in my opinion) the best stories of the series and are definite rereads for me and other fans of the series.
The language took me a long time to adjust to because prior to picking up this series I had never read an urban fantasy novel. Once I began reading more urban fantasy and this series I don’t even notice the language much. It’s like reading romance…the first time you read romance things like ‘pebbled nipples’, ‘soaked panties’ and ‘throbbing hard-ons’ seem to jump off the page at you. After you’ve read dozens of “trashy books” you hardly bat an eye at such terms.
DS said on 08.06.09 at 04:37 PM • [link]
My laughter workout for the day.
I don’t know whether I liked best the red shirt reference or the Old High German. Maybe the gummi bears.
This clearly demonstrates why being hip and up to the minute in a book is probably not a good idea. Published 2005 so she probably wrote it 2003-2004. Even the small town bad guys don’t talk this way.
Spam Blocker: Old45—makes me sound like a fondly remember steam locomotive.
Jan said on 08.06.09 at 04:42 PM • [link]
Oh Doc. You have to give less time to your day job and read more trashy books, sharing your howlingly good reviews with the rest of us poor mortals. I rarely laugh out loud at what I read - this review got five! Keep going. I will also vote for giving you a break from the awful and a chance to read Naked in Death by JD Robb. Or, if you’re in for a long, lyrical read, Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. The JD Robb would give you a “quickie” before the dratted students occupy your life again. Keep up the great work - love the comments!
HeatherK said on 08.06.09 at 04:48 PM • [link]
Just had to pop back in and agree that Zsadist is my fave of the brothers, too. Him, I could probably reread…not so sure on the others.
joykenn said on 08.06.09 at 04:52 PM • [link]
I missed this series and now don’t think I’ve missed much. The spelling turned me off but Doc Turtle is really great for continuing to finish this book. I ABSOLUTELY love his drinking game. I forsee many drunken literary parties to come. Actually I’m beginning to feel sorry for JR Ward. I admit I can’t stand her peculiar spelling obsessions but she’s at least trying to come out with a unique read and a different plot. That’s more than you can say about a lot of the generic “plots” of some of the category romances I’ve picked up (and put back down again) at drugstores. I’m almost sorry you turned Doc Turtle loose on her as it seems an uneven match but damm that man is RIGHT and I’m getting a belly ache from laughing.
Carin said on 08.06.09 at 04:53 PM • [link]
MsMoonlight said: “I began reading more urban fantasy and this series I don’t even notice the language much. It’s like reading romance…the first time you read romance things like ‘pebbled nipples’, ‘soaked panties’ and ‘throbbing hard-ons’ seem to jump off the page at you. After you’ve read dozens of “trashy books” you hardly bat an eye at such terms. “
I totally agree. Ward’s slang and descriptions are jarring at first, but once you’re sucked in (and addicted to the crhack) you don’t even notice it. And I was the same way with pebbled nipples, shafts and manhoods… and I hardly notice anymore.
Another fun review to read, Doc Turtle! Made my day to see the new chapters up!
MadMaxine said on 08.06.09 at 05:00 PM • [link]
These reviews are spot on for the complete and utter craziness that is this entire series. Rawk on Doc Turhtle!
And I tells ya…. paint rollers on a man are way sehxy.
Having said that… I still love ‘em to pieces and have read them all- and Z’s book is definitely the best one yet :D
Becky said on 08.06.09 at 05:33 PM • [link]
I totally agree with this. If I wasn’t instantly intrigued by Zsadist (and also really sick and bored to pieces at home) I might not have bothered reading the rest of the series. Or maybe I’d have picked one up if I stumbled across it, but I wouldn’t have sought them out. The Brothers I’m most interested in have already had their stories, so I’m not racing out to grab the new book. But I’ll get around to it eventually.
Star Opal said on 08.06.09 at 05:34 PM • [link]
Mina Jade said
You might want to check out The Strain by Guillermo Del Toro. It’s the first in a trilogy. “None of this romantic, languid, young men sucking the necks of beautiful people.” It’s still in the TBR pile, but I’ve nothing but good from friends.
Lostshadows said on 08.06.09 at 05:46 PM • [link]
Since her reaction to finding a strange man in her apartment seems to be “he’s hot, I’ll sleep with him”, not make a beeline for the phone/door/window, I’d guess she doesn’t freak out too easily. :)
Jaime Benton said on 08.06.09 at 06:05 PM • [link]
Awesome. Just. Plain. Awesome.
Doc Turtle, you are the bomb! Please, please, with a heaping tablespoon of Domino Sugar on top will you pretty please review the rest of this series when you are done????
Kalen Hughes said on 08.06.09 at 06:37 PM • [link]
I’m going to have to disagree . . . I’ve read A FREAKEN SHIT TON of UF, and the language in this book drove me batty for all the reasons already mentioned by others (dated, inappropriate for the characters, just plain silly, etc.).
kaetchen said on 08.06.09 at 06:49 PM • [link]
So, my first thought was to break out the Mittelhochdeutsch dictionary and try to verify that the quote is just a basic translation of the ‘you got some’ line.
But, alas, the Middle High German, it is not so close to the Old High German. That, coupled with the facts that my dictionary is a ‘pocket’ version, and my German speaking days are twenty years past me, the closest I could come involved Wrath menstruating in the Forest…
Heike M. said on 08.06.09 at 06:51 PM • [link]
ROFL great Old High German :-D
And: The language issue was always even more jarring to me than the sentence structure: Ward says, as far as I remember, the vhamphies speak an old language that is a mixture of Old Ugrian languages and Old French or something. And then they “talk like twenty-something bangers, or at least how forty-something romance writers imagine twenty-something bangers probably talk” - lol! - and all the “old language” that is quoted never comes close to anything Romanic or Ugric. I frequently stopped reading, thinking “why bother with an Old Language at all?” Why not Old English, as the “runes” seem to suggest? Why didn’t she ask someone who knows something about languages?
land32 = a German word! :-) = in English: country 32 (number none English-speaking countries, where readers actually notice at once that the language issues make no sense at all? Well, the number is to small…)
Kiersten said on 08.06.09 at 07:09 PM • [link]
Old High German + Star Trek red shirts + lumbago, gummi bears, and Bob Barker = perfection.
I only made it through 2 or 3 of the BDB before being completely unable to waste any more time on its ridiculousness. Though I do enjoy Ward in person; she’s pretty funny, both ha ha funny and for real funny. Still, the gansta rap speak and product placement in these books made me roll my eyes so much they nearly rolled straight outta my head. But Doc T’s reviews makes me wanna read this one again if only to christen the drinking game.
Rock on Doc T!
MB said on 08.06.09 at 07:16 PM • [link]
I would LOVE to see what the good Doc would do with Naked in Death, or a Suzanne Brockmann.
Oh, please! I would love to see what Doc Turtle would do with Brockmann’s ‘Force of Nature’.
theo said on 08.06.09 at 07:23 PM • [link]
Really, I think the Coyote was smarter ;-)
I think when all is said and done, this is one of those reviews that should be consolidated into a single review type thing and put somewhere for download. This is the most fun I’ve had over a book in a long time.
Henofthewoods said on 08.06.09 at 07:26 PM • [link]
Doc’s last review mentioned the truth about this series - it isn’t romance. It is boy’s adventure novel but those don’t sell. To sell, you have to have a romance, so the romance is just thrown on top. But the continuing adventure story keeps sucking me in, when I was reading about Rhage, I was dying to know more about Z. But during Zsadist’s book, I wanted to know about Vishous and Butch. Each book is a disappointment for the main characters, but the backstories just keep getting me. Damn you, JR Ward.
Actually, I can really picture this as a comic book.
Lizzie (greeneyed fem) said on 08.06.09 at 07:31 PM • [link]
I’m sorry, but when I read any of her “street” dialogue, all I can think about is this:
Kenny in the Convenience Store
Lizzie (greeneyed fem) said on 08.06.09 at 07:33 PM • [link]
I’m sorry, but when I read any of her “street” dialogue, all I can think about is this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si07Jdzn_4I
Nifty said on 08.06.09 at 07:34 PM • [link]
Ava, I’m prompted to ask: Did you by any chance attend Meredith College in Raleigh, NC? It’s required there that every freshman memorize the first 20 lines of the Canterbury Tales in Old English. It’s been two decades, and I can still recite the thing.
On a different note, I’m thoroughly enjoying the review.
Karenmc said on 08.06.09 at 07:48 PM • [link]
OH, I am SOOO excited about not reading this book! Reading Doc Turtle, though, that’s a different bucket of paint. Any chance he can quit his day job and just do reviews?
theo said on 08.06.09 at 07:54 PM • [link]
You know, after reading over my earlier response, I need to qualify something…
Most fun I’ve had over a book *I’ve Read* in a long time! It’s like #romfail from a guy’s perspective. :D
And I agree, Doc Turtle needs to quit his day job and just do these reviews.
Babz said on 08.06.09 at 08:00 PM • [link]
But… Whard tried on some very fucked up version of olde english in Z’s book I think and omg it made me want to rip the book to pieces.
I’d give a lot for Doc Turtle to review my fave book of 2009 so far, Nalini Singh’s Angels’ Blood.
Madd said on 08.06.09 at 08:08 PM • [link]
True, but at this point Beth is freaked out that she slept with him knowing nothing about him.
Besides ... Wrath probably figures that if he kills her cop friend in front of her it’ll be at least a week before she’ll drop her panties for him again.
Also, third or fourth the sentiment about Zsadist’s book, Lover Awakened, being the best of the bunch, with Lover Eternal coming in second.
Suzanne said on 08.06.09 at 08:22 PM • [link]
OMG this review is HILARIOUS! I have never read any of the BDB books and do not plan to, but I find myself desperately wanting to read the next installment from Doc Turtle!
And whomever said Mr. X was like Wile E. Coyote…that is spot on!! I was just thinking this guy sounds like the most pathetic villain ever! Driving around in a Town & Country…if there is one vehicle that screams evil, it’s a Chrysler Town & Country. Sheesh.
kaetchen said on 08.06.09 at 08:45 PM • [link]
Wait-wait-wait—a mixture of Ugric and *French!?!* WTF! I mean, I can see the whole Ugric/vampire/Hungary thing, but Urgic isn’t even a *language* - it’s a whole frickin’ branch of a family that’s not even Indo-european!!!
The completely different way that the Uralic family languages create structure would seemingly make it impossible to do anything other than pull in some French loan words, many fewer even than we in English have, and we are still a *Germanic* language. And then, those words would be agglutinated beyond all recognition.
Even that seems unlikely, since it takes generations of speakers to do even that much. I suppose she may make an argument for Creolization, but that’s also pretty far-fetched for a number of reasons.
Jee-zus! I hate when seemingly intelligent people don’t even do the most basic research.
theo said on 08.06.09 at 08:50 PM • [link]
*sigh*
Am I the only person in the world who thought Butch’s book, Lover Revealed, for all their corniness and their obnoxious slang and often preposterous non-plots, was the best of the bunch?
The first three were good, took me awhile to even get into the first one (though had I had Doc’s review to go by, I’d have ignored the warning signs just for the fun of reading it this way!)
Lover Unbound sucked on principle and the ending sent it into wallbanger mode for me and Lover Enshrined only garnered a few cursory skims. But LU ended my crack addiction to these books. I should have stopped at Butch’s.
I am a reformed Whardaholic, thankfully. But these reviews are a riot!
Bev Stephans said on 08.06.09 at 08:57 PM • [link]
I started Dark Lover and couldn’t finish it. Doc Turtle made me see why I couldn’t finish it! His review is absolutely hilarious and right to the point.
Stelly said on 08.06.09 at 09:03 PM • [link]
Thank you so much for the laugh. There’s nothing better to wake up to in the morning. :D
Robin said on 08.06.09 at 09:18 PM • [link]
I hereby request a charter membership in the Doc Turtle fan club. We could supply a constant supply of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream in exchange for continuing these reviews (which are ten times better than the books themselves).
Now I am going to spend all day contemplating what my “pyrocant” is.
LG said on 08.06.09 at 09:36 PM • [link]
Ok, I haven’t read this, but the end of your post reminds me a bit of Sherrilyn Kenyon’s books - centuries old badass Dark Hunters who talk like they’ve been watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I can usually deal with that when I’m reading the books, but I happened to get one in audio form and it was tough listening to the reader try to balance “snappy modern dialogue” and “vaguely European accent.”
Estelle Chauvelin said on 08.06.09 at 09:42 PM • [link]
That’s what got me. That and a mental image of Teddy Ruxbin burninating the peasants.
I seem to read more urban fantasy that traditional fantasy these days, and the quotes of dialogue from BRB that I see here still sound terrible.
SonomaLass said on 08.06.09 at 09:53 PM • [link]
So many funny lines, but this is the one that put me on the floor. Thanks, Doc, for the fabulous reviews.!
And just to weigh in on the other side of the discussion—Sunshine by Robin McKinley. For my money, the best vampire book EVER. With (alas!) no sequel.
Mama Nice said on 08.06.09 at 09:58 PM • [link]
“Rhage, du nalles unwan ein waldesil bist!”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAA!!!
I don’t know why, but I just thought that was insanely funny.
I had considered starting this series, based on the crazy fan base it seems to have inspired I was curious…but your reviews have entertained me…and convinced me that I would not, could not read these books. Not here. Not there. Not anywhere.
BTW it’s Thursday.
And I find myself craving gummi bears.
Oh dear.
Kalen Hughes said on 08.06.09 at 10:10 PM • [link]
Sadly what it really is, is the best 3/4 of a vampire book EVER. McKinley (who I love) doesn’t rap up several important threads, leaving them dangling for the sequel that will never come (as is sooo her style; damn her). I was so pissed when I finished that book . . . cause I know in her heard she’s thinking it’s the first in a series, but I also know that the odds of her ever going back and finishing the series in her head are slim and next to none. *sigh* But the world building is kickass and the characters are fantastic. McKinley can WRITE!!!
MicheleKS said on 08.06.09 at 10:13 PM • [link]
In reference to the language and the question as to how centuries-old vampires and others would speak like modern twenty-somethings (or try to anyway), maybe it’s because the characters are trying to blend into the present and have to learn the lingo? I’ve never really thought about the language in the BDB series or the Dark-Hunter series but I would think that if I was trying to blend into modern society I would try to make sure I looked and acted the part. Just not too hard.
Melissandre said on 08.06.09 at 10:26 PM • [link]
Funniest. Line. Ever.
Liz said on 08.06.09 at 10:51 PM • [link]
Ms. Ward to her publisher:
I am seeing a bunch of vamps sitting around singing Jay-Z’s cover of Its a Hard Knock Life from Annie.
Publisher to Ms. Ward: Win!
The Public to Ms. Ward and Publisher: Fail.
SonomaLass said on 08.06.09 at 11:04 PM • [link]
@Kalen Hughes: We’ll have to agree to disagree on that one. I like the dangling threads at the end of Sunshine. While I would have loved a sequel, I know better than to expect it. Frankly, from what I read of and about the various paranormal series out there, I’d rather she stopped with that book than drag it out into seemingly endless and inferior sequels.
Tammy said on 08.06.09 at 11:16 PM • [link]
I’ve been trying to think of a diplomatic way to say this - then I remembered where I was. ;-)
A brother can only be so badass when he speaks Valley Girl gangsta.
Kalen Hughes said on 08.06.09 at 11:22 PM • [link]
Really? You like them? Not, I’m willing to accept them, cause the book rocks so hard otherwise (which I’ll totally agree to).
To me the book felt unfinished. I mean it has an unresolved freaken love triangle. As much as I loved the book (and I’ve bought multiple copies to give to friends, so I really did love it), I still have a vaguely unsatisfied feeling about it . . . which I wouldn’t have if I knew there was going to be a sequel. And having read everything McKinley’s written, I’d trust her to give us more books in the Sunshine world without degenerating into LKH territory . . .
Teal Ceagh said on 08.06.09 at 11:30 PM • [link]
Scratching my head over this one. If it’s so freakin’ bad, how come everywhere else I go, readers are drooling over this series, and JR Ward in general?
Although I do love hanging out amongst sane and intelligent readers here on SBTB, I always find it makes me wary about easing back into the manuscript the next morning.
A pleasure as always, ladies and gentlemen.
Kalen Hughes said on 08.06.09 at 11:34 PM • [link]
I had the same question after I got suckered into buying
by people I normally trust . . .
@SonomaLass: All this talk about Sunshine got me to hop over to McKinley’s site to see what she’s up to . . . no sequal to Sunshine, but I’d missed her 08 book Chalice. Now it’s on my eBook reader and ready for my train ride home. Yea!!!
Kalen Hughes said on 08.06.09 at 11:35 PM • [link]
Dang it! I did it again. WHY do I hit the quote button when I mean to italicize? WHY?!!!
Kate Jones said on 08.07.09 at 12:04 AM • [link]
Spam Word: Kept58
...Kept 58 snorts of laughter contained while reading analysis. Thanks, Doc!
Ziggy said on 08.07.09 at 12:27 AM • [link]
I’ve never read anything by this author, and doubt I will, but oh, these reviews SLAY me. Please, please, keep them coming Doc Turtle!
ghn said on 08.07.09 at 12:34 AM • [link]
Where is Buffy when we need her? By Doc Turtle’s comments, Wrath really needed to be staked by the third chapter (which is about where I decide whether a book is worth finishing). Though then we would have missed out on all the lovely snarkiness.
SAS said on 08.07.09 at 12:44 AM • [link]
I’m feeling you DocTurtle…true.
cate said on 08.07.09 at 01:22 AM • [link]
I started this series, & managed to get to chapter 7 of book 1 before it hit the bathroom wall, & then I aimed it into the Oxfam box. And I’ve never been tempted to return to JR Ward, despite the OTT reviews of the FG’s
Dearest DT, are you sure you’re not the person who coined the ” ...Then Buffy staked Edward . The end.”
slogan ?
Magnificent revue dear boy, haven’t stopped laughing all day !
Lisa#2 said on 08.07.09 at 01:33 AM • [link]
@Nifty we had to memorize the first 20 lines of The Canterbury Tales my senior year in high school - 1983 - West Carteret HS - Morehead City NC. We received extra credit for reciting it in class. I can still quote the first couple of lines.
Joanne said on 08.07.09 at 01:45 AM • [link]
Fear not. She has legions of rabid fangirls who fawn and squee endlessly over her. Her ego should be able to take some snark.
You’re not alone. Revealed was the pinnacle of the series IMO. Each book in the series improved on the previous book until that book, then the series went downhill fast.
Because, even though they’re over-the-top, illogical, and often silly, they become addictive. While you’re reading it, you know it’s crap, but you can’t look away. Sorta like a train wreck, or eating potato chips or M&M’s. I can’t explain it; it just is. I liked Dark Lover, but wasn’t really impressed, or even hooked. I kept going to see what all the fuss was about. Each book built the story more and sprinkled more crahck into the mix. I even liked the much-maligned Lover Unbound. Lover Enshrined sent me to BDB Anonymous while it sent Phury to AA. After Lover Avenged I found salvation. I am completely cured of my crahck addihction.
ASable said on 08.07.09 at 02:51 AM • [link]
Well, when you put it that way, the book does sound pretty bad, doesn’t it?
Crahck is Whahck.
DocTurtle said on 08.07.09 at 03:01 AM • [link]
My friends, rest assured that I am having a ball writing these reviews, and I’m enormously gratified by your response to them, but sadly I fear I’ll not be able to snark the entire series.
It’s a time issue more than anything else: I put about 15-20 minutes per chapter (not counting the reading…which is probably about 10-12 minutes per chapter), and if each (of the seven?) volumes in the series has as many chapters as DL (55 + Epilogue and Lexicon), we’re looking at about…carry the 3…divide by the square root of pi…200 or so hours of readin’ ‘n’ writin’.
Classes start in a week and a half, and I’ll be slowing down, but I hope to finish most of the Dark Lover reviews before then.
At that point I’ll be looking for something else to read and review for you all, and I’ve already suggested to SB Sarah that perhaps my next assignment should be a book about which y’all are legitimately curious how I’ll react: both Ward and Chase were pretty predictable, but maybe there’s a book out there that could go either way, about which women might rave but men might shrug their shoulders and say “meh”?
Or you can feed me some more crhack, pop the popcorn, and keep reading snark. It’s all good.
Thank you for all of your positive comments, I really appreciate your feedback. I appreciate the work of all of you who are authors, especially those of you who are able to take it on the chin every now and then. I have deep respect for professional writers, and for all of the creativity you bring to the world. Keep it up!
P.S.—yet79: It feels like yet 79 more chapters of Ward to make it through…
Madd said on 08.07.09 at 03:34 AM • [link]
I’d like to see the Doc do some Crusie ... pretty much anything except “Anyone but You”. I’d hate to put the poor man off breasts. I swear if the woman mentioned her saggin’ 40 year old boobs one more time I’d have offer to pay for a lift just to shut her up.
theo said on 08.07.09 at 03:43 AM • [link]
Saggin’ 40 year old boobs?? *shocked look*
Um…never read her but that alone put me off. I’m 50+ with double D’s and mine still aren’t what I’d consider “saggin” as long as I do five minutes worth of specific exercise a day.
I get tired of the 20 year old heroine at times, but not all of us who are “more mature” are falling apart either!
Doc, I can appreciate the time you put into these reviews. I would be sad if they stopped, but I can stand to wait :D
Spam Word: for93…for 93 days plus if I have to…
Madd said on 08.07.09 at 04:59 AM • [link]
Crusie’s got some good stuff. A lot of the ladies in her books are smart, independent and sassy. Almost everyone I know who’s read the book “Bet Me” absolutely loves it. I personally really like “Fast Women” and both her colabs with Bob Mayer. Crusie’s one of my favorites, but “Anyone but You” made me crazy. The hero was almost too good to true up until just about the end where he loses it briefly and acts like a jerk. The heroine worked my nerves through the whole book with her body image issues. First she doesn’t want him to see her naked, then she doesn’t want to have sex with him unless she’s wearing a special bra, and she’s constantly complaining about her old body and saggy boobs. I’m over 30, have had 3 kids, and am not in the best shape so I understand not always feeling like hot stuff, but come on! If you can’t stand for a man to see you naked, then you probably aren’t ready to be having sex with that man IMHO.
Shiloh Walker said on 08.07.09 at 05:26 AM • [link]
Seriously, I’m begging… try JD Robb’s Naked in Death. Futuristic romantic suspense. I think they are awesome. I’d LOVE to know your take.
R-Tam said on 08.07.09 at 08:12 AM • [link]
*wipes away tears of laughter*
Ah, Doc Turthle, you are awesome!
TROGDOOOR! *heh*
I can hardly wait for the next installment.
Now, about what Doc should read next - Cruisie sounds great, and I’m thinking of either “Bet me” or “Faking it”
Personally, I’d like to see Doc tackling Kresley Cole’s Immortals After Dark! Paranormal Romance again, yes, but unlike Whard, her stuff is actually really well-written. Plus, the genre and tropes invoked will still leave Doc with plenty of snarkmaterial, but he will (hopefully) still enjoy reading it :D
I’m torn between either Emma’s, Kaderin’s or Conrad’s book…
Anony Miss said on 08.07.09 at 11:39 AM • [link]
SB <3 SBPatrick aka DocT.
Lostshadows said on 08.07.09 at 02:02 PM • [link]
Having just finished “Bet Me”, I’d like to see DocTurtle’s opinion of it too. As I was reading it, and right afterward, I loved it. Now… the afterglow seems to be wearing off.
BTW, can anyone recommend a contemporary where the heroine doesn’t give a fig about shoes?
cate said on 08.07.09 at 02:09 PM • [link]
Jennifer Cruisie’s a great suggestion, but I’d love to see what DT thinks of The Island by Victoria Hislop.
Heike M. said on 08.07.09 at 02:24 PM • [link]
Wait-wait-wait—a mixture of Ugric and *French!?!* WTF! I mean, I can see the whole Ugric/vampire/Hungary thing, but Urgic isn’t even a *language* - it’s a whole frickin’ branch of a family that’s not even Indo-european!!!
@kaetchen: ...well, I didn’t read the books again, but in LE, when Rhage talks to Mary, the Old Language was described as something like a not clearly defined Old Hungarian (which makes sense in a vampire myth, as you say; and made me classify it as something Ugric) and Old French. This made me think WTF, because I just couldn’t imagine a mixture of languages from different language families - for the reasons you stated.
Plus, the nhamhes were said to come from that language, the English words (rage, vicious, fury, etc.) to be derived from them… To me, that makes no sense at all.
Exactly what I think!
—————————
Thank you Doc Turte, I wanted to rant about this since I read the 2nd BDB book
And I’d love to read more of your “Old High German” :-D
fitting spam word: research46
Ava said on 08.07.09 at 02:24 PM • [link]
@Lizzie: Oh, Special K…now now the next time I read one of these I’m going to envision Seth Green on steriods.
@Nifty: Actually my senior English teacher made me memorize it in high school. But when I went to college I recited it for a Lit professor for fun and he was so impressed he told me I should major in Early English Lit.
@Lisa#2: Holy shit! Did you have Jackie Davis and her lunchbox purse too? I graduated in ‘01 (the year she retired) but she had us do it too, and I can also remember the first few lines. Oh I miss that teeny woman and her raunchy sense of humor…
Heike M. said on 08.07.09 at 02:29 PM • [link]
...the first three lines in my comment above should have been a quote…
AQ said on 08.07.09 at 02:34 PM • [link]
I beg for your forgiveness in advance. (I blame TheTurtle)
Maestro, cue the music or I’ll have a Warrant for your arrest…
Black Dagger Brotherhood Vamps…
She’s my cherry pie
shaking her ass
like a Dutch Boy(tm) surprise
tastes so good that she just might hafta die
Sweet Cherry Pie
Well, Drinkin, without subjects
drinkin without articles
drinking double shots
cause my fragments all alone
Drinkin for the nahmes
and drinkin for the slang
If they drop more name brands
I’ll be drinking all night
Yeah…
Yeah, yeah
Drinkin for the Beamer
Drinkin for the Hummer
Most peeps drink
cuz Tohrment used outtie
Drinkin right here
Cuz Marissa wanted Wrath to feed her
So Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Even though the Lessers
have done something quite atrocious
If Wrath broods long enough,
he’ll simply seem precocious
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
She’s my cherry pie
shaking her ass
like a Dutch Boy(tm) surprise
tastes so good that she just might hafta die
Sweet Cherry Pie
Oh yeah
She’s my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face
Ten Miles wide
With crack this good
bring a tear to your eye
Sweet cherry pie
That’s all for now, folks. Yes, your eyes will thank me but I can’t possibly finish this atrocity until DocTurtle posts more chapters. Chapters, chapters, chapters…
spamword: members85
Why yes I do believe Sarah & Candy should revoke my posting membership.
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 08.07.09 at 06:19 PM • [link]
I think Sarah should send DocTurtle some Laura Kinsale next. For My Lady’s Heart, perhaps, or Flowers From the Storm.
Nadia said on 08.08.09 at 03:28 AM • [link]
Brilliant, AQ! And Doc Turtle, you are genius. Even my husband enjoyed the review, and he’s never read word one of the books. But after hearing me bust a gut, I had to share the Old German and red shirt references. His German-ancestry engineer self almost wet his pants.
I enjoy these books because of their sheer over-the-topness, not despite. Sometimes, I’m just in the mood to check my brain and the door and revel in the WTFery of someone else’s world. The wannabe-gangsta doesn’t pull me out of the story near as much as the product placement, though. And half the rap references fly right by since I only listen to First Wave on XMSirrius. Now, if these vamps were kickin’ it Depeche Mode style, we’d be in business. They’d look good in some black eyeliner, I’m thinking.
See, now up until Avenged, I would have said Z’s book was the best, because the angsty survivor story really got to me. And Avenged would have been the hands down favorite if Rev had stopped taking the drugs earlier and just wasted damned near everyone like they deserved. But hey, that might have ended the gravy train early for Ward.
Rachel said on 08.08.09 at 08:17 AM • [link]
@Lizzie - The Special K video is even funnier when you consider that Rhage is always sucking on a lollipop (Tootsie Pop!). I never knew if Ward intended some significance to the lollipops, but I think the Seth Green video is a good illustration of how it actually comes across.
I think I’ll be sad when Doc finishes the book.
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 08.08.09 at 03:59 PM • [link]
@ Rachel: Maybe the lollipops are a Kojak reference?
voodoo chile said on 08.08.09 at 09:42 PM • [link]
Wonderful! Incidentally, my pyrocant = Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough as well. One of the many reasons I stopped after 2 books was a simple lack of concern for the characters. I just never cared about any of them.
Don’t even get me started on the “slang.” I just can’t even deal with it. LMAO!
Darlene Marshall said on 08.09.09 at 03:33 PM • [link]
These are the crahck of reviews. Thank you, Dhoc Turhtle!
Christine said on 08.09.09 at 06:00 PM • [link]
Despite that fact that I really enjoy the BDB series (bad names and cheesy slang aside), I love all of the reviews on SBTB!
I would love to see the slang in Old German - I probably have about as much chance of figuring that out as I do the text-like abbreviations (BTW). Compared to that, things like “Er ist finster” would be a breeze. Keep the reviews coming!
I did try out the vampire name site. I have to say that I was hoping for something a little more exciting than my name with an extra H in it - maybe more along the lines of Shihv or or Sabhre. Just a suggestion…..
earthgirl said on 08.10.09 at 04:23 AM • [link]
Can someone explain to me what lessers’ deal actually is? And what a shellan is?
AQ said on 08.10.09 at 11:14 PM • [link]
From the Ward’s online glossary:
lesser n. De-souled human who targets vampires for extermination as a member of the Lessening Society. Lessers must be stabbed through the chest in order to be killed, otherwise they are ageless. They do not eat or drink and are impotent. Over time, their hair, skin and irises lose pigmentation until they are blonde, blushless and pale-eyed. They smell like baby powder. Inducted into the Society by the Omega, they retain a ceramic jar thereafter into which their heart was placed after it was removed.
shellan n. Female vampire who has been mated to a male. Females generally do not take more than one mate due to the highly territorial nature of bonded males.
jocelynnesimone said on 08.11.09 at 11:14 PM • [link]
kaetchen said:
My experience from studying and speaking Turkish, after having spent years speaking Italian and French, is that you are pretty much dead on. We could have a long debate about the relation between the Turkic languages and the Ugric languages, but suffice it to say that in modern Turkish there are handfuls of loan words from French, Italian and some of the other European language spoken by various groups that controlled Turkey after WWI. (Ottoman is another story and I don’t have any answers about that one yet.) Most of these words are nouns, in my experience. I can’t imagine trying to work them into the verbal structure. Just adding all of the sufixes for plurality, location, possession, direct/indirect object status is more than enough. Truly, the grammar is not compatible. So let me say that this facet of the BDB world—oh so crackalicious—definitely leaves me scratching my head. I’d much rather have the dozens in OHG.
Sorry for the long aside, but it’s hard to ignore such a language geek worthy issue… especially about languages and language families that I associate with in one form or another.
Gennita Low
02:33 PM • [link]
“Rhage, du nalles unwan ein waldesil bist!”
*dies*
marley said on 08.19.09 at 11:46 PM • [link]
OMGWTFBBQ! i love this shiz. docturtle, you rock. ih hamh tohtahlhlhy ghoingh hto read thhhhish jhust fhor theh nhamesh. but i have to say that i think the review is probably better than the book. my procant is chocolate, probably the same as a lot of the awesome bitches here
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