Bitchin' Blog Posts
Doc Turtle: Dark Lover by JR Ward
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | July 27, 2009 | Monday at 11:13 am | 111 Comments
He’s back! After the splendid members of the Bitchery recommended many, many books for Dr. Turtle, aka SBiT Patrick, the choice was Dark Lover by JR Ward. Behold: Chapters 1-5. Let the mhahgic begihn!
If you’re not familiar with the styling’s of DocTurtle’s romance blogging, he reviews the book chapter by chapter. Ergo: SPOILERS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ARE BELOW THE FOLD OK?!?!!
Hey, all! DocTurtle…or SBiT Patrick…or whatever we decided I should be called on this blog…here, ready to say a few words about my latest reading assignment for SBTB, J.R. Ward’s Dark Lover, the first of a long series of Black Dagger Brotherhood novels and my first paranormal romance. This book features vampires, vampires, and…more vampires. They’re terrifying and ferocious, but they’re sexy as hell.
I started the book last night, I’m about eight chapters in now (the first five are blogged about below), and as a paranormal newbie the first question I have is to what extent Ward elects to adhere to the “canonical” vampire mythology, if there is such a thing? I also wonder to what extent the amount of sex and violence Dark Lover has presented so far is consistent with that of other books in this subgenre?
Mostly, though, I wonder where in the hell J.R. Ward learned how to name her characters. “Tohrment”? “Vishous”? “Rhage”?!? Phlease. At least now I finally get the running “extra ‘h’s” gag on SBTB. And for those of you who would like to create your own Black Dagger Brotherhood vampire name, I hope you’ll visit the following website I whipped up this morning: The Black Dagger Brotherhood Name Maker Because I care. [SBS: OMMFG This is Soh Mhuhch Fhuhn!]
Before I get to the chapter-by-chapter reviews, I’ll begin by saying that I’m finding the book a breezy read, and a particularly easy one, having just finished Anthony Trollope’s Can You Forgive Her?, a 900-page behemoth that was dense with Victorian dialogue. Dark Lover is…well, I don’t know if it’s an out-and-out bad book, but it’s definitely cheehsy. The dialogue is forced and in places unbelievable, and though the action is appropriate it almost seems silly. So far there’s been but one real sex scene (I’ll talk about that one in my next set of chapters), and it was brief and blunt and bold but otherwise not unlike many of those I’ve read in the other novels I’ve now read.
Okay, on to the action!
Oh look, there’s a Glossary of Terms and Proper Nouns!
Okay, admittedly this sort of thing is handy for noobs like me, and it gave me my first taste of the laughably self-serious nomenclature Ward’s invented for some of her characters and concepts. I particularly like the entry for lesser, the soulless humans who’ve taken upon themselves the duty of destroying vampires wherever they may be found: “They smell like baby powder,” Ward tells us. Of course they do. Because that’s one of the most important things you need to know about them.
Chapter One: Techno + vampires = excitement
The novel opens in the dark of a hip dance club, Screamer’s, wherein the waitresses wear chain-fashioned bustiers (ouch) and wherein now sit two of our vampire heroes, Darius and…Tohrment. (I type that name under protest.) Darius’s daughter is about to come of age, and he’s explaining to Tohrment how he hopes to induce Wrath, the last of the full-blooded (and no doubt AKC-registered) vampires, to take her under his wing and see her through this trying event. Wrath, we’re told, is “off the chain when it came to the business of vengeance.” The GOP’s Michael Steele would also say that he’s “off the hook.”
Not many minutes pass before we get to meet Wrath himself, almost seven feet of 100%, Grade-A, All-American vampire, as he almost literally plows his way through the dense crowd of dancers. On Wrath’s arrival, Tohrment begs his pardon and stands to leave, uttering (I kid you not) the following line: “No offense, but I’m outtie.” Because a wizened and murderous vampire would say this. He would. Right before he’d say “I’m going to stop by Wet Seal and say hello to Tihffani on the way home. You want anything at Orange Julius? Bye-eee!”
Meanwhile, just blocks away at the office of the Caldwell Courier Journal, up-and-coming cub reporter Beth Randall is calling it a night. Before setting out on the twelve-block walk back to her apartment she calls in a Chinese take-out order. Then to the streets goes she, and she makes it halfway home before a pair of lecherous preppie toughs accost her, catcalling, cootchie-cooing, and pretty much making a nuisance of themselves before they pull Beth into a darkened alley and try to rape her.
Beth’s no creampuff, though, and she does a number on Tough #1’s nose and nuts before fleeing to her apartment. As the chapter ends we meet “Butch” O’Neal, the barely-on-the-right-side-of-the-law police detective who’s sure to play a crucial role in the coming chapters. “Let’s hear it for the boys of summer,” he thinks to himself as he rushes off to the scene of Beth’s assault. Why settle for a mash-up of two ‘80s songs when for a few words more you can have three?: “Let’s hear it for the boys of the summer of ’69.”
Chapter 2: Wherein Wrath explodes in wrath and Darius…well…explodes
We’re back at Screamer’s, where Wrath and Darius are having a delightful little tête-à-tête. After hemming and hawing a bit (“crazy weather we’re having, isn’t it?”…just kidding, but it’s not far off), Darius gets around to asking Wrath to help his daughter through her “transition,” the moment at which she will become an adult vampire. It’s like a bat mitzvah, only without all of the gifts and mazel tovs, and a with good deal more blood.
“I can’t do it. Not even for you,” Wrath tells his fellow Black Dagger Brother. He’s not really the touchy-feely sort. Darius continues to plead his case, letting Wrath know that his daughter’s especially delicate, being half-human, and he can trust only Wrath to see her through. Wrath still refuses and leaves, using his mystical vampire powers to cleanse the human minds of their memories of him.
Once outside Wrath makes quick work of a lesser, one of those baby powder-fresh vampire killers of which we heard tell in the novel’s opening glossary. After relieving the guy of his cell phone and wallet, Wrath kills the man. “With a strangled sound, the lesser disintegrated in a flash of light.” Wrath then saunters off to feed his shellan, essentially a love-slave who depends on his blood in order to continue her existence.
Meanwhile, Darius’s bad day continues. Climbing into his BMW 650i (immortal and classy!), Darius turns the key and almost instantly disappears in a white-hot ball of flame. So much for our only somewhat-normally-named male vampire.
Chapter 3: Sad tidings at Wayne Manor
We open at Beth’s apartment. After wolfing down a plate of Lean Cuisine mac ‘n’ cheese (the favored food of most dead-sexy cub reporters), Beth is called to the scene of the explosion at the last chapter’s end. As she heads out the door she promises herself that she’ll tell her cop friend José de la Cruz all about her attackers.
Meanwhile, at the stately home of the late Darius Q. Vampire, Wrath rematerializes (because they can do that) and ensconces himself in his private room, where he waits for his love-slave to show up. Said love-slave, Marissa, shows up almost at once, and within minutes she’s sucking on his wrist. She’d likely rather be sucking on other bits of this vampire king, if you catch my drift. There’s a good deal of sexual tension here, as Marissa would jump at the chance to have a roll in the hay with Wrath, while he only wishes she could find someone who’d love her the way she deserved to be loved. Wrath puts up with the present awkward ritual, though. Neither of them have a choice: she was bonded to him when she helped him through his own transition centuries before (we’ll hear more about that in a later chapter).
As this painful scene draws to a close Fritz (a.k.a. Alfred), Darius’s loyal retainer, approaches Wrath to let the latter know that Darius has died. Wrath is none too pleased by this news: “The candles exploded and fell to the floor as a whirlwind of viciousness swirled around him, growing tighter, faster, darker, until the furniture flipped off the floor and traveled in a circle around him.” So Wrath’s kind of like an evil Mary Poppins?
Chapter 4: Wherein we meet the boys of the Black Dagger Brotherhood
Beth’s on the scene of the explosion, where she now comes face-to-face with Butch O’Neal. Beneath that gruff exterior, Butch has got a heart of gold, and a soft spot for our cub reporter. Seeing her split lip and bruised neck, he vows that he’ll track down the scumbags who accosted her in the alleyway. Beth can bring herself to say much about the attack, though. She finds she can’t keep herself together well enough to file her report that night, and she runs along home.
Meanwhile, at Darius’s mansion, Wrath has assembled the Black Dagger Brotherhood for an emergency club meeting. (“I’m pretty sure someone was dipping into the rainy day fund…and our club copy of Blade #2, in mint condition, except for the small Yoo-Hoo stain on the cover, is missing.”) We now get to meet the brothers. There are Wrath and Tohrment, of course, and then there’s Vishous, a Red Sox fan who sports a single black driving glove; and Rhage, who is “Hollywood beautiful with the drive to rival a barnful of stallions.”
Finally, there’s Phury, a celibate amputee who’s certainly got a few axes to grind with various lessers; and Phury’s twin brother, Zsadist, who’d had an unfortunate past and “still bore the tattoos of a slave. As well as various piercings he’d added himself. Just because he liked the feel of pain.” Um…maybe I’m missing something, but wouldn’t that make “Mazsochist” a more appropriate name?
All right, who named these poor kids? Seriously. It’s like the BDB had only one even halfway reasonable name to go around and they all drew straws to see who’d get it. And now that one guy is dead. The names are one of the reasons I’m finding it very hard to take this book seriously. I can’t help but think of the MST3K episode Cave Dwellers, in which Tom Servo changes his name to Htom Sirveaux and Crow says to Tom, “well, Htom, why don’t you hlick me?”
You know what else is bugging me about this book? I’m irked by Ward’s continual insistence on making entire sentences out of prepositional phrases and other sentence fragments. Note the above: “…he still bore the tattoos of a slave. As well as various piercings he’d added himself [incomplete sentence]. Just because he liked the feel of pain [another].” There’s one more instance on that page (28), and two more on the facing page: “…he didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone. Including his twin.” “…the balance could be thrown off in an instant. In favor of the race’s enemies.” “Their kind was flirting with extinction. Even though the brothers were deadly fine at what they did.”
By no means am I calling for a moratorium on the occasional intentional use of grammatically incomplete sentences, which are often very effective at creating a sense of bluntness, starkness, or abbreviation. Such sentences serve a purpose. A vital purpose. (See? I can do it, too!) But c’mon, J.R.: if you’re doing it often enough that it becomes cliché, you shouldn’t be surprised if people start making it the basis for drinking games when your novels are read aloud at parties.
Because that totally should happen.
Oh yeah, and Beth is totally Darius’s daughter. Surprise!
Chapter 5: A short chapter, in which Butch takes care of some unfinished business
As we begin this chapter, Butch O’Neal drops in on Beth at her apartment and asks her about her assailant. During this conversation Wrath is lurking in the shadows outside, listening in. At the last chapter’s end Wrath learned from Darius’s death letter that Beth is indeed Darius’s daughter, and he’s stopped by to check her out.
Beth gives Butch a description of the guys who attacked her, and Butch recognizes one as the guy to whose assistance he’d been called at the end of the first chapter. This boy, Billy Riddle, is laid up in the hospital with a broken nose and a very sore set of family jewels, but his troubles have just begun. After leaving Beth’s apartment Butch swings by the hospital and gives Billy another shot to the nose before running him in for assault.
Stay tuned: we’ll find out more about Billy in the coming chapters.
So far? Dark Lover’s got more cheese than an Amish festival, and the author’s idiosyncratic grammatical quirks are a little distracting. The story’s well-paced, though, and I’ve definitely read worse books (though none lately). If I were a betting man, I’d lay odds that I’ll breeze through the rest of the book and get a few more good yuks out of it, but it’s not likely to be a life-changing experience.
To be continued!
Wanna read along with DocTurtle? You can get a copy of Dark Lover at Indiebound, Amazon, BooksOnBoard, BN, and a whole mhehss of othehr plahcehs.
Filed: General Bitching, Guest Bitch Reviews, Dudes Reading Romance
Tagged: vampires, snark, sex, romance, jr ward, heroes, docturtle, booksonboard, bn, black dagger brotherhood
Ehhdie said on 07.27.09 at 11:22 AM • [link]
ROFLMFAO is about all I can say
Janet W said on 07.27.09 at 11:47 AM • [link]
... and I’ve actually read both ... Can You ForgHive Me? Unbelievably freaking funny ... maybe because he can? Sorry, caHn :D
rebyj said on 07.27.09 at 12:16 PM • [link]
I lost it at ” evil Mary Poppins” rofl! excellent summary. I look forward to the next installment.
Denise said on 07.27.09 at 12:37 PM • [link]
.. lhove it !! :-)
Leslee said on 07.27.09 at 12:50 PM • [link]
This was totally awesome! Still laughing!!!!!!!!!! I read this crhacktastic stuff and enjoy it but I can still laugh about it. Totally awesome! Can’t wait to see what he has to say about the rest of the book!!!!
ghn said on 07.27.09 at 12:55 PM • [link]
I love Doc Turtle’s reaction to those silly names. I have on a few occasion put Dead Tree books back on the shelf in the bookstore if I decided that kind of silliness was too overwhelming even for me. And I have seen a number of silly names, avid reader of Fantasy and SF that I am.
The same goes for glossary pages, when the book has those.
But here: In the opinion of the author, the most important thing to know about “lesser” critters is that “They smell like baby powder.” WTF???
Tina C. said on 07.27.09 at 01:45 PM • [link]
I’ve never been able to get into these books, but I’m getting a heck of a kick out of SBiTPatrick’s recap!
ROFLMAO!
Rhonni said on 07.27.09 at 01:54 PM • [link]
Ack!
As a person who really has a silent “h” in her name ... the extra H naming policy creeps me out. Not that I don’t expect a bit of absurdity in a paranormal romance ... it’s rather the point.
I’m happy to have SBiTPatrick reading this for me. I like a bit of snark with my news. The Hubby reads me the paper that way.
Eirin said on 07.27.09 at 02:16 PM • [link]
Spot on!
rebyj said on 07.27.09 at 02:17 PM • [link]
Forgot to mention my BDB generator name: Rebyhj
It’s killah true?
HeatherK said on 07.27.09 at 02:21 PM • [link]
Hubby said I complain the whole time I’m reading a JR Ward book, however, I can’t seem to STOP reading them. Maybe the pages are laced with a drug that compels the reader to keep reading even as the needle on the “Are you Kidding Me?” meter is straining nearly to breaking point as it tries to jump off the edge into the abyss just to escape the madness.
Lohving SBiT Patrick’s take on the books. Cahn’t whait fhor the nhext ihnstahllment.
HeatherK said on 07.27.09 at 02:22 PM • [link]
Btw, my BDB name is Hheather. Do I get extra points for a word starting with a double H?
Darlene Marshall said on 07.27.09 at 02:25 PM • [link]
I tried to read Dhark Lover. I really, really tried. I guess I have a higher resistance to crahck than I suspected.
Thank you, SBiT Patrick for making me nod my head in agreement and LOL along with your review.
Alissa said on 07.27.09 at 02:26 PM • [link]
Um, how have I managed to miss Doc Turtle’s reviews before? Grheat to have a ghood laugh first thing in the AM, true?
I love the BDB series, btw. And I lhove your blohg!
Brenna said on 07.27.09 at 02:28 PM • [link]
Thank you SB for choosing a J R Ward book for Doc Turtle to read and review. I know it’s cruel to inflict this on him, but what fun. I’m laughing my head off just reading what he has to say. I type the name under protest….One even halfway reasonable name… and now he’s dead! Wrath some kind of evil Mary Poppins! LOL. I’m eagerly waiting for the continuation.
Gennita Low
02:31 PM • [link]
Bat Mitzvah finished me off.
nutmeag said on 07.27.09 at 02:39 PM • [link]
This is awesome. I picked up one of the other books in the series at the library yesterday without even reading the back cover (every once in a while I like to go in completely blind). I stopped reading after 2 chapters because the names were making me laugh a little too much. Great review so far, though. I’m loving it.
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 07.27.09 at 02:44 PM • [link]
Thanks for the chuckle of the day! I’ve never read any of the Bhlack Dhagger stories; they sound vaguely reminiscent of Sherrilyn Kenyon, only with clunkier names and dialogue. I’ve been breezing through Laura Kinsale’s Flowers From The Storm the last couple of days, and recommend that one for DocTurtle next—should be quite a change from Dark Lover.
(And the mention of Trollope’s Can You Forgive Her? reminds me of Stephen King’s comment that it should be re-titled Can Anyone Possibly Finish It?)
Sandia said on 07.27.09 at 02:58 PM • [link]
OMG I’m totally going to be playing the BDB drinking game!!!
Tae said on 07.27.09 at 03:12 PM • [link]
I love the idea of the BDB drinking game. Sadly, I’d have to drink alone since no one else I know reads the books, and I don’t want to inflict them on my friends.
Great review, and the name generator -genius!
Vicariousrising said on 07.27.09 at 03:37 PM • [link]
Holy crap, I just started reading Dark Lover last night too and had almost exactly the same reaction. Especially to the ahwful nhames and that “I’m outtie” comment (I stared at it for at least ten minutes hoping I’d misread it).
I’ve had the first 5 books of JR Ward’s series in my TBR pile for some time now, and I’m not sure I get the massive fandom. I’ll stick with it longer because they’ve gotten such awesome reviews, but then, so did Twilight and I didn’t much care for those books.
Tanya said on 07.27.09 at 03:43 PM • [link]
Bwaaa, I think what makes the BDB simultaneously so ridiculous and so compelling is that Ward really is SO self serious about the…well just silliness of it all.
Centuries old Vampires with idiotically altered names..who talk like gangsta rappers..just kills me.
Ahlison said on 07.27.09 at 03:45 PM • [link]
Loved the Bhlack Dahgger name genheratohr so muhch I hhad to change my nahme
JoanneL said on 07.27.09 at 03:47 PM • [link]
Johanne….does that mean there is the slightest possibility that I am a decendent, by way of Brooklyn, to Johann Sebastian Bach?
M E 2 said on 07.27.09 at 03:58 PM • [link]
On Wrath’s arrival, Tohrment begs his pardon and stands to leave, uttering (I kid you not) the following line: “No offense, but I’m outtie.” Because a wizened and murderous vampire would say this. He would. Right before he’d say “I’m going to stop by Wet Seal and say hello to Tihffani on the way home. You want anything at Orange Julius? Bye-eee!”
***************************************************************************************
You do realize that it is craptastic stuff like this that gives romance novels a REALLY really bad name? Right?? Seriously.
Honestly, if I didn’t know the above paragraph (for the most part) was a paranormal/vampire novel, I would truly suspect some BAD gay porn. Oy!
Elizabeth Wadsworth said on 07.27.09 at 04:01 PM • [link]
Oh, by any chance does Billy Riddle have an older brother Tom who got packed off to boarding school as a kid, went bad, and, well…you know the rest.
Babs said on 07.27.09 at 04:21 PM • [link]
OMG OMG OMG. I can’t stop laughing. And the Name Maker is going to be a HUGE time suck—whee!
Doc Turhtle—love those reviews.
Lisa J said on 07.27.09 at 04:31 PM • [link]
Best review ever!!!!!!!
willa said on 07.27.09 at 04:43 PM • [link]
Awesome, hilarious review! I can’t wait for the next set of chapters.
Alisha Rai said on 07.27.09 at 04:47 PM • [link]
Thanks for the laugh in the morning! As someone who has succumbed to the chrack, I find this particularly hilarious.
I really hope Doc continues to read this series if for no other reason than his reaction to their incessent text messaging in later books.
Kalen Hughes said on 07.27.09 at 04:57 PM • [link]
This book was DNF for me (the cracktastic nature of the series eludes me). The writing was solid, but I gave up when A) the hero who supposedly hates humans is suddenly banging one with zero internal conflict (I mean, WTF; way to setup and then ignore the hero’s entire back-story); and B) The book hit a pet peeve of mine: the big strong hero who suddenly realizes he cares for the week widdle woman because while she’s really the vulnerable one, she’s concerned for his safety.
I just couldn’t go on . . .
Tammy said on 07.27.09 at 05:18 PM • [link]
I think they talk like Valley Girls, myself.
Esther said on 07.27.09 at 05:22 PM • [link]
I may not like paranormals, but I love this review.
The snark, it makes me keekle.
Keep it coming!
CourtneyLee said on 07.27.09 at 05:23 PM • [link]
I love this series. I am totally addicted to teh crahck and I’m unashamed. I love the writing most of the time and even *gasp* the names.
But I’m the last person to say that this series isn’t snark-worthy and I’m loving Doc Turtle’s review so far. Read on, SBiT!
I think for his next paranormal, he should go for Nalini Singh.
Zshelly said on 07.27.09 at 05:41 PM • [link]
This was my reaction too when reading these. Only I couldn’t stop. I read right through to the most recent. Book 5 -or is it 6?- will have dialogue that will make you want to poke your eyes out. I’m saying this because you will keep going; there’s some kind of subliminal crack in them.
help48—a call for help against this addiction?
Jenica said on 07.27.09 at 05:45 PM • [link]
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I needed this on a Monday morning. LOL. I think I’m a recovering crack addict - with these books, I always became interested in the secondary characters and couldn’t wait for their stories, but then was disappointed in them.
Terry Odell said on 07.27.09 at 05:54 PM • [link]
I’m loving DT’s take on it. Sounds very much like what my reaction would be. I’ve yet to find a vampire (or werewolf) book that made me want to read another. Sounds like I don’t have to feel guilty for not reading Ward.
But I did step outside my normal genre of choice after reading DT’s review of Chase’s book.
EmmyS said on 07.27.09 at 05:56 PM • [link]
I keep reading this as Matzochist, which makes me think of someone torturing himself by eating kosher for Pesach foods…
EmmyS said on 07.27.09 at 06:01 PM • [link]
Oh, and Terry, if you’re looking for were stories that won’t make you puke, try Doc Turtle’s own Bivinnia, Queen of the WereCows!
DonLinn said on 07.27.09 at 06:01 PM • [link]
Behst. Revhiew. Ehvehr.
shuzluva said on 07.27.09 at 06:08 PM • [link]
SBiTPatrick, I ahm so exhited for the nehxt ehntry. However, I whill nhot be chonsuming ahny bheverages aht the tihme. Ohne rhuined keyhboahrd is enough. Kthxbai!
P.S. Bat mitzvah killed me.
Starh Opahl said on 07.27.09 at 06:10 PM • [link]
I started the first one influenced by all the love being thrown around about them. I was prepared for the ghoofy nhames, but it was the “I’m outtie” that seriously started putting cracks in any foundation I had of taking the books seriously (me reading DocTurtle’s review: “Yes! Exactly!”). Got to about the middle of chapter three and decided that I needed to wait until I was in a “snarky read” mood. It’s still on my TBR shelves, but our SBiT may have inspired me to go back.
Excellent job, sir.
While I already posted my vhampire hhandle, my name is Eunhice. I like it!
shannon said on 07.27.09 at 06:14 PM • [link]
i could over look ALOT of the dialog, cause yea..it IS corny…..but the word the Ward uses that ALWAYS has me eyerolling and cringing is…........SHITKICKERS..omg…
i will continue to read and eyeroll though, cause DAMN.
phadem said on 07.27.09 at 06:17 PM • [link]
So. Funny.
Way to get into the swing of things with the Hs. You’ve managed to make the little guys new and fresh for me and that hasn’t happened since my discovery of Ward’s BDB. I despaired of them ever getting their true moment again. If I can ever get together with some of my interwebs pals I’m definitely suggesting your drinking game. Because you’re right. It should totally happen.
Will you continue with the rest of the series? The campiness and H abuse only gets better.
SonomaLass said on 07.27.09 at 06:32 PM • [link]
The laughter, it does not stop! I have been thinking that I need to make myself read a BDB book, to understand the fuss, but this is MUCH better.
@Terry Odell, I’m not big on the paranormal romance genre either. The one vampire book that totally “suckered” me (sorry!) is Robin McKinley’s Sunshine. It spoiled me for most other vampire novels, though.
JenB said on 07.27.09 at 06:33 PM • [link]
You nhailed it! :)
I know the books are horribly cheesy, but that didn’t stop me from reading the first six. I’m still not sure how or why I did it. My guess is that JR Ward has some kind of mind control power.
BTW, corny (and old) as this book is, there’s still a waiting list of over 300 for it on PaperBackSwap.com at the time of this comment. That’s freaking ihnsane. O_O
Terry Odell said on 07.27.09 at 06:34 PM • [link]
EmmyS - Thanks for the link (and I’m SO with you on the Pesach connection)
Kate Jones said on 07.27.09 at 06:36 PM • [link]
@Elizabeth Wadsworth—I’m a little jealous I didn’t think of that connection myself. Well played.
Noelle (Chloe Harris) said on 07.27.09 at 06:44 PM • [link]
I had to stop reading so the rest of the cube farm wouldn’t think I had finally completely lost it as I sat alone at my desk laughing uncontrollably.
EC Sheedy said on 07.27.09 at 06:49 PM • [link]
Okay, I have to fess up. All those silent Hs didn’t bother me a bit. And I was really, truly entertained by the Brothers. In fact, I had so much fun with them, I didn’t stop to analyze why. And one thing about Ward, she’s got voice—and a style all her own.
EC, feeling guilty that the Hs didn’t grate . . . on her
Lynne Connolly said on 07.27.09 at 06:54 PM • [link]
Great post, a classic!
I’ve read both books, too, and it’s the Trollope that is still on my bookshelves.
I’ve just ploughed through the latest one. I was going to review it, but I skipped too much to say I’d given it an honest read. There are a lot more “got up, got breakfast, went for a walk” type scenes as the series goes on.
The doggen creep me out. A race that loves to serve? Srsly?
Ssuanna Kearsley said on 07.27.09 at 07:00 PM • [link]
Drinking coffee + reading DocTurtle review = needing new keyboard. (Also maybe a new carpet for the office…:-)
Vampire Name: Susannha Kearslehy (makes me sound vaguely Irish, I think…)
Randi said on 07.27.09 at 07:01 PM • [link]
Yeah, this: ““I’m going to stop by Wet Seal and say hello to Tihffani on the way home. You want anything at Orange Julius? Bye-eee!”” was AWESOME! LOL.
1) Very happy to have a new review from SBiT Patrick. Woot!
2) I never got into the chrack either; but have enjoyed the entertainment those who have succumbed, provide the rest of us.
3) Word up on the dhrinking ghame! Where are the rules?
Terisa Wilcox said on 07.27.09 at 07:02 PM • [link]
Very funny, couldn’t stop laughing. My kids probably think mom has finally lost it completely.
Papercut said on 07.27.09 at 07:22 PM • [link]
OMG so funny! But please don’t use Ward as a measure of paranormal romance. I don’t understand why this series is so popular. Mealjean Brooks, soooo much better! And still has teh hotness. I also just read “New Blood” by Gail Dayton - such a good paranormal romance, better in every way than Ward. But not as good for a laugh :)
(than67 - There are about 67 paranormal romances better than Ward’s silliness)
militaryspouse said on 07.27.09 at 07:23 PM • [link]
So, this is the Diana Palmer of paranormals.
Loved the AKC reference. Would that make a Chanadhian vamp a memer of the CKC?
Tina M. said on 07.27.09 at 07:48 PM • [link]
Loved the MST3K reference!
I really enjoy and look forward to his reviews…can’t wait for the next book that he’ll be tackling.
CupK8 said on 07.27.09 at 08:13 PM • [link]
Oh dear! I’m sure my neighbors are concerned for my sanity even more now. I wouldn’t rather read this novel any other way, Doc T! Thanks!
I think the first grad school party I will throw will include the JR Ward Drinking Game. I am determined to make it a theatre department tradition.
My vamp name? Kahte McDehrmott - maybe I can use it for my stage name! ;)
Polly said on 07.27.09 at 08:21 PM • [link]
Great review!
If I remember correctly, Candy had a similar response to “I"m outtie.” There are many, many points in the books, where I’ll pause, stare at the page for a while, then keep reading, because these books are like crack!
I can’t imagine anyone taking these books seriously; they’re like B-movies, or doritos, only in novel form. You can like them without any consideration of their nutritional value.
Kalen Hughes said on 07.27.09 at 08:50 PM • [link]
BDB name: Kalhen Hughhes. I think somewhere my father is crying out in pain . . . on the other hand, maybe I’d be mistakenly called “Kathleen” rather than “Karen”. *rolls eyes*
Madd said on 07.27.09 at 09:34 PM • [link]
You had me AKC-registered.
Madd said on 07.27.09 at 09:54 PM • [link]
You had me AKC-registered.
These books are like crack! Books are the only place I’ll do that too. I sit there thinking “Oh, this is terrible!”, but I just keep on reading! It’s insane! Part of it is that I like the characters, despite some of the goofy dialog and the crazy names. I think the main reason that I can’t put down the Black Dagger pipe is that the first book in the series I read was Lover Awakened, Zsadist’s story. I’m a sucker for stories featuring seriously emotionally damaged characters who find some sort of happiness at the end of things.
Cassie said on 07.27.09 at 09:58 PM • [link]
Htom Sirveaux FTW!
Anyone who can make an MST3K reference in a romance novel review is made of pure awesome.
(I confess I never started reading the series for some of the same reasons, esp the extra “h” thing…)
Vivi Andrews said on 07.27.09 at 10:28 PM • [link]
Kick-ass review. How is it I never before noticed the similarities to Wayne Manor? Dhude. To the Wrathmobile, Robin!
Sana-chan said on 07.27.09 at 10:32 PM • [link]
I read the preview of the first book on Amazon, got to “I’m outtie” and like so many others, almost fell off my bed. Seriously, 1995 called, and they want their slang back. Even in the five minutes “outtie” was actually used, I never EVER heard a strait guy say it.
DS said on 07.27.09 at 10:32 PM • [link]
I cannot force myself to read this book so I am very, very happy that Doc Turtle has done it for me.
CourtneyLee said on 07.27.09 at 10:41 PM • [link]
EC Sheedy, don’t feel guilty for not minding the crazy H. I don’t mind it, either. I don’t mind a lot of what other people say bugs them about this series. Except the “I’m outtie” bit, but thankfully nothing quite that ridiculous has been repeated.
Katherine C. said on 07.27.09 at 10:59 PM • [link]
There are many, many points in the books, where I’ll pause, stare at the page for a while, then keep reading, because these books are like crack!
I can’t imagine anyone taking these books seriously; they’re like B-movies, or doritos, only in novel form. You can like them without any consideration of their nutritional value.
Katherine C. said on 07.27.09 at 11:05 PM • [link]
Not sure what the hey-ho happened above, but the first and second graphs were the quotes, and the third was actually me.
mingqi said on 07.27.09 at 11:18 PM • [link]
Love the post! I haven’t read JR Ward, but have heard of the infamous Hs. I’m surprised that she didn’t stick an extra H in Wrath.
joykenn said on 07.27.09 at 11:33 PM • [link]
I’ve never gotten into Ward’s books mostly cause I missed reading the first few and when I picked them up, I swear the wierd-ass spellings put me off. I dipped into them and really couldn’t get hooked. How have all you fans stood it? Hasn’t someone done an intervention with Ward yet? Has she no concerned friends?
“Now JR, you too can give up the H. You don’t HAVE to put it in all your names. Why if you’re not careful you’ll start adding Ts with the Hs. Then you’ll get everyone lisping your names like ToThrment, Visthous, and Rthage. Just back away from the H key.” Throat spray anyone for those gargling. Sigh!
EC Sheedy said on 07.27.09 at 11:40 PM • [link]
Okay, I’d forgotten the “I’m outtie” bit of dialogue, but now that it’s been mentioned, I remember it. My thought at the time was that I was obviously way behind in my own *cool.*
I have twin granddaughters (14) who make me feel that way. Every. Single. Day.
And as to those crazy Hs, if Ms. Ward had a Hundhred dollar bill for every time they’ve been commented on, she probably wouldn’t have to write another bhook.. . As Hs go, they’re a huge success.
Jeanette said on 07.27.09 at 11:41 PM • [link]
Oh this was HILARIOUS! I LOVE this play by play and I’m a BIG BDB fan.
Aislynn said on 07.27.09 at 11:58 PM • [link]
Utter win. Found myself laughing and nodding in agreement the whole way through. The “I’m outtie” dialogue those big dark & tough Vahmpires use absolutely kills me. Jerks me out of the story every single time. Hope you get as much amusement out of the rest of the book.
RStewie said on 07.28.09 at 12:09 AM • [link]
Mighhty and Prhetty McWagghleson. Yay verhily! My babies are Vhampihr Puhppies!
Ahnohnymous Wahrd Fhan said on 07.28.09 at 12:40 AM • [link]
I think the biggest unfortunate thing about the excess Hs is that people get hung up on them and they become a distraction from the author’s distictive style. On the other hand, they’re a good thing because there’s no such thing as bad publicity. A lot of people have begun the series to see what all the hoopla is about and ended up addicted, thereby making them even more popular, which means her publisher will tell her to keep writing them.
And that’s great, because then everyone who got unwillingly addicted to these craptastic books will keep reading them against their will and maybe they’ll eventually grow the stones to just admit that they are enjoyable despite things like the extra Hs, questionable fashion, and one of the heroines ending up in a state that makes her occaisionally non-corporeal.
chisai said on 07.28.09 at 12:43 AM • [link]
Hi, I’m chhisai and I’m digging the double aitches. These books. They are cringingly awful They are embarassingly bad and cheezy. And yet? They’re total crack. I cringe with the names, with the dialogue, with the designer name dropping, with teh stooopid plotlines, and yet I continue reading them, plowing through delightedly. There’s no excuse for it.
Doc, that was spot on. I can’t wait for the next installment.
darlynne said on 07.28.09 at 01:00 AM • [link]
Hmmm. Maybe the new “h” in Darlyhnne will stop people who don’t know me from calling me “Darlene.” Quick, where’s the form to change my name?
Liz said on 07.28.09 at 02:35 AM • [link]
OMG! I am soooo glad that i never got into this series. if the names didn’t kill me, the grammar would. I absolutely hate the abuse people throw at the English language (although the British probably said that at some point).
btw, my name is Elizahbeth, but i like my mom’s better: Vahlerie. We better be
careful or people might start naming their kids Thiffani. (The horror!)
That wouldn’t be possible because Tom Riddle, while evil, doesn’t try to change the rules of grammar (just the rules of the Universe.
Glynis said on 07.28.09 at 02:47 AM • [link]
The BDB schadenfreude held me until #4…oh the shame. I complained so mightily, my Beloved Boyfriend is now familiar with its quirks.
Thank you, darlin’ SBitPatrick for doing such a marvelous job of reviewing the wonder/horror of BDB!
Hsign mhe up fhor teh dhrinkhing ghame!
(Capcha word is language22…or should it be lhanguage h22?)
AnneH said on 07.28.09 at 03:13 AM • [link]
I absolutely love your take on Ward’s book. I’ve always been curious how the male species would react if they read any of her BDB books. Pretty much what I had in mind. Keep them coming.
The odds are on you. More yuks are definitely coming.
Christine said on 07.28.09 at 04:58 AM • [link]
Christinhe ... hee hee. I’m going to use this name the next time I join a new forum and all the regular names are taken.
I’ve enjoyed your reviews Doc Turtle and admire your willingness to try a new genre. I’ve dipped my toe in paranormals but don’t have any real desire to read more.
RfP said on 07.28.09 at 05:19 AM • [link]
FYI, scary Mary Poppins:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic
Micah said on 07.28.09 at 09:57 AM • [link]
So my friend Mi has been regaling me with tales of these terrible, horrible names for some time now (usually followed by interjections of “she did NOT name someone that”). And, y’know, that was OK. Very stupid, but OK.
But now I have to find out that Vishous is a Red Sox fan?
Look, we have put up with a lot. We put up with Fever Pitch filming on the field as the Red Sox celebrated their 2004 World Series. We put up with Ben Affleck as a prominent celebrity “fan” (thankfully, we also have Stephen King). Sox fandom has survived these affronts to human dignity.
But I am not entirely sure we’ll survive a vampire named Vishous who wears a single black driving glove.
JR Ward, YOU GO TOO FAR.
- Micah (or, in Wardville, Mhicah )
dangrgirl said on 07.28.09 at 04:06 PM • [link]
Doc Turtle worked in an MST3K reference. Ahwesome!
Tammy said on 07.28.09 at 06:23 PM • [link]
Mhicah, shouldn’t that be “Whardville?”
Madd said on 07.28.09 at 07:02 PM • [link]
In his defense the single glove is less a fashion accessory and more of a cover for the mighty glowy hand of burnination and occasional resuscitation.
Plus, he can see the future, so maybe he’s a fan because he sees the Red Sox being super awesome in the future ... as opposed to now ... j/k so don’t kill me or anything.
I don’t watch any sports. Well, except boxing and football/soccer.
Wendy said on 07.28.09 at 07:13 PM • [link]
Ward. Drinking Game. Must play this weekend. ...was already planning a Twilight drinking game. I think the party just got better.
(yes. We are that geeky.)
Jhennifer Armintrout said on 07.28.09 at 08:02 PM • [link]
Honestly, the thing that stopped me from reading was the fact that they’re supposed to be super badass and awesome, but they drove mom cars. An Escalade? Seriously? Why not a station wagon?
Jennifer Armintrout said on 07.28.09 at 08:22 PM • [link]
I have to say, I was also insulted by the heroine’s thought that if she were fat, no one would have tried to rape her. That shows such a fundamental lack of understanding about sexual violence. It really, really turned me off.
theo said on 07.28.09 at 09:16 PM • [link]
Well, I stopped reading this series at book five (which was a total wallbanger for me) and all I can hope is that Doc will make it at least that far because as much a fan I am of the first four, as someone else said, they are definitely snarkworthy. And they get more so with each book.
So…that said…all I have left to say is…
More? Please?
Madd said on 07.28.09 at 10:54 PM • [link]
But you know what? It’s not unrealistic. I spent 10 years making myself look as unattractive and hard as possible because it made me feel safer. It was subconscious and it took me a long time to get what I was doing, but somewhere in my mind I had rationalized that if there was nothing to attract them then maybe they would not want to touch me. That’s where the unattractive part came in, the hard part was the dark make-up, piercings, leather gear and a constant say-the-wrong-thing-and-die expression.
Kathy said on 07.28.09 at 11:43 PM • [link]
Note to self: do not read Doc Tuttle reviews at work.
eggs said on 07.29.09 at 12:49 AM • [link]
If all the H’s in the names are silent, does that mean the hero is actually called ... Rat?
Theresa Mehyers said on 07.29.09 at 03:38 AM • [link]
SQUEEE! I think I’m a Doch Turhtel fan. Ghreat revheiw!
Nike said on 07.29.09 at 04:43 AM • [link]
Lord of Mercy! I can’t believe that Smart Bitches inflicted this book on Dr. Turtle. Why? Why would anyone recommend this to a sentient creature?
I started the series out with Lover Awakened and then Lover Eternal (which is my favorite in the series) and then read Dark Lover.
If I had started with DL I think my interest in the series might have stopped dead in it’s tracks, which would have been a blessing because right now the wait for Lover Mine is slowly killing me.
This book is an atrocity and the series as a whole contains some of the worst world-building, characterization, language, and grammar that I’ve ever seen. I can’t stand these books! Can’t stand ‘em! And I must have them, and reread them over and over again and mark out my favorite pages and then read them again!
susiel said on 07.29.09 at 06:52 AM • [link]
I was hoping that Doc Turtle’s next romance reading project would be any of JR Ward’s books. Not that I was expecting him to find it awesome as he did with the Chase book. Rather, I was expecting he’d go all out on the snark this time because the BDB books are so ripe for ridicule, so snark worthy that they can be made fun of easily. I call ‘em butt of the joke books. The first 5 chapters, and already, he’s on a roll. Keep them coming.
KimberlyD said on 07.29.09 at 07:58 AM • [link]
Kimberlhy…I keep hearing it in my head as Kimberl-hee. Just can’t quite make it a silent “h”. Love the review!
SarahT said on 07.29.09 at 08:31 AM • [link]
I agree with Madd, I’ve also used weight and unattractiveness as a defense mechanism against getting the wrong kind of attention from men because I didn’t know how to get what I needed. It’s like hiding in plain sight and feeling safe when the world feels dangerous. There were moments in the book when I identified with Beth and that was one of those moments.
Jennifer Armintrout said on 07.29.09 at 01:32 PM • [link]
Madd, SarahT:
I don’t necessarily feel it’s unrealistic, I just felt that in the context of the scene it was the wrong step at the wrong time. It was a one off comment where the heroine is thinking, “If only I had eaten that ice cream and gotten fat, that wouldn’t have happened to me,” and that’s it. She’s done with that train of thought, with no lasting impact.
Obviously, I’m not looking for a realistic exploration of sexual assault issues in a romance novel, but the fact that it was just sort of stuck in there jarred me.
Hheike said on 07.29.09 at 01:53 PM • [link]
ROFLOL Great review! Thank you! I can’t wait for the next set of chapters.
Hheike - two hs at the beginning as well :-)
I have to admit, I was addicted to BhDhBh, in spite of the additionhal hs and other cheesy stuff, never really knowing why. But…
The dysfunctional fragmented syntax and unattributable slang. Gets worse.
Gave up.
At. Last. (#7)
Librariahn said on 07.29.09 at 07:25 PM • [link]
BRAHVO! I’ve been a BDB Ho for a couple of years now, and find that I agree with all of the “crack” AND the “cheese” comments…they are a truly mysterious guilty pleasure. The series has gone sadly off course in the last couple of books, which makes it even more delishiously fuhn to find such a clever send up of Dark Lover. It’s a marvelous reminder of why I got hooked on the series to begin with, and why I enjoy discussing them with similar-minded BDB Hos…the drinking game is a fantabulous idea; sentence fragments are just the beginning. I would recommend wine cooler shots, however…anything larger or with a higher alcohol content could lead to brain damage before Beth even gets her romance-genre-mandated Vampire Nhookhie.
Daniellhe said on 07.29.09 at 10:15 PM • [link]
Hi justh wantehd Hto tehll youh Ih lohve youh
Moira Reid said on 07.30.09 at 04:08 AM • [link]
Totally drank the BDB Kool-Aid and am completely hooked on the series. DOESN’T stop me from loving a funny review though.
(Oh, and I always wondered why she gave Darius a normal name…when plainly the others have some pretty whild ones.)
Moirha Rheid ;-)
West said on 07.30.09 at 10:52 AM • [link]
Clearly this is a sign of doom. If you are a Brother, and you have a normal name, you will die- possibly in a fiery explosion, possibly in a mishap with a dandylion.
Librariahn said on 07.30.09 at 07:28 PM • [link]
OMG…It’s like the red shirt on Star Trek. Thank heaven John Michael got his bad self a Warrior name before he got blown up. Again. Since JM is Darius reincarnated…
henofthewoods said on 07.31.09 at 03:21 AM • [link]
Maybe Wrath is really named Rat? And we silly humans just didn’t realize.
-HenoftheWohods
Twinkie said on 08.07.09 at 12:25 AM • [link]
I hope your happy to know I’ve spent the better part of the last half hour plugging my team’s names into the name maker. I hope that Johnh Smolthz can get a win tonight and that Chamberlain doesn’t try to bean Kehvin Youkilish again.
earthgirl said on 08.09.09 at 05:48 AM • [link]
Ok, maybe someone explained this elsewhere, but can someone explain these world rules to me? Vampirism is genetic? You’re born with it but someone has to help you turn? Do the vampires drink human blood or each others’? How are these vampires drinking Grey Goose Vodka? Who are these lesser people, and why do they want to kill the vampires? Are the lessers humans? Can the vampires come out in the day? And why are their names idiotic?
Thanks. :)
Ahleena said on 08.25.09 at 01:15 AM • [link]
I thought this was funny, but I really enjoy the books also. Even with the cheesyness…What I want to know is what romance author’s do you all read that have no cheese factor?
Zylee said on 08.26.09 at 07:48 PM • [link]
Ya I agree, what romance novels are you reading that do not have the cheese factor? I enjoy Ward’s books and the characters she has created. I do not get hung up on such a trivial thing as the spelling of their names, lol and I find it truly comical that you do - so much so that your review has been effected by it.
I love the funny and cheesy things Ward writes in her books, and I had always thought that with the action involved in these books that a guy would like them just as much as a woman would.. but you seem to be getting hung up on such small insignificant details that it just reminds me why women are the focus of the romance genre.
I am not sure whether or not to take your reviews serious or if you are just trying to poke fun at the genre. Someone suggested I visit this site that has reviews but so far I see a guy making fun of books women read.
Care to comment?
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