Bitchin' Blog Posts
Decadent by Shayla Black
by Candy | March 17, 2008 | Monday at 10:03 am | 159 CommentsTitle: Decadent
Author: Shayla Black
Publication Info: Berkley 2007
ISBN: 9780425217214
Genre: Erotica/Romantica
(Warning: Massive spoilers for this book lie under the fold, as well as a link to a LOLPORN photo. Read on at your own peril.)
Reading Decadent deafened me.
Have you ever had that experience before? You finish reading a book and you feel just a bit numb. Your brain is ringing the way your ears do when leaving a venue with a terrible sound system, after watching a band that’s far too fond of playing very loudly and not nearly fond enough of playing with skill. I haven’t read too many novels that do that to me, so I attempted to analyze why Decadent inspired that reaction, and what I finally figured out was this:
The book was written in such a way that its ideal narrator was the Summer Blockbuster Guy.
“This summer… An innocent beauty learns the price of earning the love she thinks she wants… is finding love in a place she never expected.”
“This summer… A hardened soldier of fortune discovers that gaining the girl of his dreams… means letting go of the girl in his past.”
“This summer… A girl becomes a woman… and learns she can preserve her virginity… by having anal sex with two men.”
“HANG ON,” I can almost hear you saying. “You’re just making shit up, now. Candy, your slice-n-dice reviews have gone too far.”
Psh. You think I’d kid about something that important? You think I would make a crass joke about teh buttsecks to illustrate how incredibly silly this book is? Trust me. I’m not even remotely kidding about that last bit. In fact, there’s no way I can convey how silly this book is. It is so silly that I expected Graham Chapman to appear in Colonel regalia, declaring that this book was too silly to continue.
Alas, the latter would indicate that this book was funny. And it’s not. I initially read this book as a bit of high camp and was able to maintain this mindset (and therefore enjoy it to some degree) for about one third of the way, because the plot was too deliciously cock-eyed for me to take seriously: Kimber Edgington, the heroine, is in love with Jesse McCall, her childhood sweetheart (whom she hasn’t seen in almost a decade—whom she knew only for a summer when she was a kid, really). Jesse happens to be an international rock star with a taste for threesomes. Not the usual boy-girl-girl threesomes that are the stuff of fantasy for millions of males, of course. This dude’s into two guys and a girl. (Structuring this story any other way would’ve involved TEH GAY for the heroine.) So Kimber, in her quest to prove her everlasting love and commitment, decides she needs tutoring in the Ways of the Double Penetration, and seeks out Deke Trenton, a mercenary who used to work for her father and who apparently has a thing for threesomes.
(How does she know this? One of the more hilarious aspects of Deke’s fetish for this bit of vanilla kink is how everybody seems to know about it, from sheltered girls in their twenties to random people in bars to the Kimber’s brothers to Kimber’s dad. Seriously: every time somebody finds out that Kimber is having a relationship with Deke Trenton, there’s usually some sort of horrified gasp (or inarticulate rage on the part of the brothers), followed by “Do you know what he’s into?” It makes me wonder how in the hell they’d find out something like that. Does the dude have a Wikipedia page? If he did, I’d love to see his history/discussion pages.)
And when I say “he has a fetish for threesomes,” I mean it in the clinical sense. (The pedants in the audience will note that the fetish isn’t, strictly speaking, a fetish, because it refers to a sex act instead of an object or a body part. Look, just go along with me, all right? Pretend I said “paraphilia” and call it a day.) Seriously, Deke can’t work his dirk of manly passion unless he has additional male company. No, I’m serious. This dude hath not a workable stiffy unless another dude is there. Specifically, his cousin, celebrity chef Luc Traverson. This initially perked my interest—was Luc the Piers Gaveston to Deke’s Edward II, except kind of incestuous, which would make it somewhat more kinky? Alas, no. The true reasons why these two paragons of masculinity engage almost exclusively in threesomes are both much more hilarious and much more repulsive than using a woman as a conduit to express homosexual urges. But more on that later.
So I trucked along for a while, wallowing cheerfully in the terrible plot, but after a while, the sheer weight of the terrible prose crushed my sense of humor. The only comfort left to me was reading the more ludicrous parts out loud to friends.
The part that broke me? The part that made me throw my hands up and say “I give up”? Was when Kimber decides that her virginity is so special, she needs to save it for Jesse. And by “save her virginity,” I totally mean “have copious amounts of loud, sweaty, multi-orgasmic anal sex with two men she’s known less than a week.”
If this had been written with any sort of tongue in cheek tone, or with any sort of nod or wink to the sorts of people for whom anal sex is somehow a culturally acceptable way of preserving a façade of sexual purity (read: stupid, horny teenagers for whom obeying the letter of the law is much more important than adhering to the spirit), I would’ve cheered it for the bit of high camp it was. Unfortunately, the story tried to sell the heroine as being a smart, spirited young woman a little too hard while showing just the opposite in every turn.
Come on, now. Preserving your virginity with buttsecks. Look, I’m all for people enjoying the hell out of anal sex, and I’m all for people having it with as many partners as they can stand at one time. Just don’t pretend that you’re somehow protecting your sexual purity by having it—whatever sort of definition of “sex” you may subscribe to, I’m pretty goddamn sure just about everyone would agree that that having a man stick his cock up your ass qualifies as “having sex” with him.
But wait, there’s more! Deke, besides being incapable of fucking a woman unless Luc is there (NOT GAY NO NOT AT ALL), has a really, really strange complex about virgins. Namely, he’s convinced that fucking a virgin in the va-jay-jay means she’ll die. This is made into a Really Big Deal, and is also part and parcel of his sexual dysfunction in general and with Kimber in particular (NO REALLY NOT AT ALL GAY). This results in the best conversational exchange in any erotic romance novel, ever, when Kimber finally offers to allow Deke entrance into her cinnabar cavern of feminine wonder (because what she feels for Deke is even more speshul than what she feels for Jesse), and Deke, after pondering and sweating and struggling over this decision heroically, takes decisive action:
“Fuck!” he snarled.
He tilted her up again, her legs now resting on his shoulders, and positioned himself and began to push.
Into her back entrance.
Kimber drew in a great, shocked gasp, her hazel eyes wide. “Deke?”
“What the hell are you doing?” Luc barked.
Tensing a little more with every inch he pushed inside Kimber’s tight passage, the tendons on his neck standing out, the muscles in his arms shaking, assailed by the amazing sensations of being slowly enveloped by her tight, ready flesh, Deke could barely form a word. “Fucking her ass. Saving her life.”
Wow. Talk about a lifesaving procedure you’ll never see on-camera on, say, Grey’s Anatomy.
But wait, there’s more! When I read this part aloud to my friend Ben (who was the first victim of many), his immediate response, after he’d picked himself up from the floor, was “I’m in ur ass, saving ur life.”
And being the enterprising nerd that he is, he actually hunted down a picture and captioned it, LOLCat-style.
(Warning: the picture is pornographic. It seriously is. Don’t click on it, for the love of God, if you’re anywhere in the office, or if there are little kids or animals or sweet, sheltered little old grandparents within a direct line of sight of your monitor.)
So behold! The first instance of LOLPorn found on Smart Bitches.
Recovered from that yet?
No?
Too bad.
After that marvellous bit of characterization, the story chugs along completely predictable lines: Kimber is dumped brutally by Deke (who’s utterly freaked out at how attached he has become), after which she promptly reunites with Jesse, finds him to be not at all what her memories have made him to be, and is repulsed by Jesse’s regular threesome partner, a pretty boy with tattoos who drinks before lunch—evidence of moral turpitude if we’ve ever seen it.
And then a wacky suspense plot springs up out of nowhere and ambushes the rest of the storyline, putting Kimber in danger (remember, kids: it’s never acceptable to have the heroine save the hero’s ass, because that might mean he’s a pansy who can’t get it up unless another man’s also…oh, wait). All of this is a convenient way of getting Deke back together with Kimber so he can open up about his Deep, Dark, Loathsome, Virgin-Killing past—the explanation for why he never fucks virgins, and why he always has to have a wingman in bed. Are you ready for the secret?
Back when Deke was a teenager, he de-virginized his beautiful but highly unstable girlfriend, who became pregnant, got crazy, and killed herself.
That’s it. That’s the big, dark, tormented secret of Deke’s past. Which is actually a pretty good tormented secret, except that his reactions are both nonsensical and morally repulsive. When you attempt to unpack the implications, you come up with the following:
1. His avoidance of sleeping with virgins only makes sense if you accept that virgins are much more likely to become pregnant than other women. Because it’s not as if there’s such a thing as fertile non-virgins, or, you know, BIRTH CONTROL THAT WORKS RELIABLY.
2. Deke needs another man in bed so that if the woman becomes pregnant, he’d have another man to blame. Because in Deke’s universe, paternity tests, like birth control, do not exist.
In case you’re thinking that I’m inferring point number 2, let me assure you that I’m not. I am, in fact, quoting “another man to blame” verbatim from the book.
I could go on, but I think you get the point: this book is a trainwreck of unintentional hilarity. If ever there was a book ripe for MST3K treatment or a drinking game (take a shot every time a character starts a musing with “Damn”), this would be it. The sex scenes are pretty hot, I’ll give it that, but even those are subject to gems like “Fucking her ass. Saving her life.”
If you’re really into copious quantities of sweaty, distressingly hetero buttsex and a menage that wimps out in the end, you might enjoy this book. Me? I’m still recovering from the LOLPorn.
And really, if I had to summarize the book, I think the look on the porn actress’s face in the LOLPorn photo says it all.
Filed: Greatest Hits, Reviews, Grade D, Authors, A-C
mlg said on 03.17.08 at 10:17 AM
So here I am, minding my own business, finishing a paper and sending it off and I decide to check out any new posts. Either I am hallucinating or that book actually exists. So I thank you , Candy, for the laughter and for saving ours lives by taking the metaphoric ass fucking of reading this book.
kyra said on 03.17.08 at 11:03 AM
Hilarious review! You owe me a new keyboard, though, ‘cause mine now has coffee spewed all over it.
Eirin said on 03.17.08 at 11:54 AM
Now there’s a whole new avenue (heh!) to explore for guys who want to talk their girlfriends into having buttsex:
“Honey, I love you. Let me save your life!”
Also, LOLPorn!!!
annemjw said on 03.17.08 at 11:54 AM
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
Oh my. Sometimes, you hear about romance novels so crappy that you have to read them, just because it’s a challenge. But this? I’m not sure even I could read this, and I’ll read damn near anything once.
Bernita said on 03.17.08 at 01:01 PM
One word: crap.
Danielle said on 03.17.08 at 01:34 PM
Her expression in the lolporn is hilarious. Hee!
It makes me wonder how in the hell they’d find out something like that. Does the dude have a Wikipedia page? If he did, I’d love to see his history/discussion pages, because god knows he’s one hot mess.
I love these reviews. So much.
I must say I’m somewhat squicked by Deke’s I-cannot-devirginise-you-so-surprise-buttsecks!, because (from the excerpt I’ve seen) he doesn’t stop to check if she’s okay with that first. (Or to add lube, either, come to think of it.) That’s not considerate or caring. Chalk a big minus mark in the hero column, imo.
sula "marchioness hidenne-picquelle" said on 03.17.08 at 01:47 PM
omg. wow. just. wow. *blinking*
Way to, um, take one for the team, Candy. S’riously.
KimberlyD said on 03.17.08 at 01:53 PM
I’m with Danielle on this. The virgin needs lube, dude. Of course, in comparison to the rest of the review, that is fairly minor I suppose. I hope you know that I have to find and read this book. I don’t want to call you a liar, but I can’t believe this book exists until I find it for myself.
And LOLPorn just made my morning. Seriously.
KTG said on 03.17.08 at 02:00 PM
Okay, now that I’m pretty sure my neighbors heard me guffawing over here…
OMG! I have to read this book and then send it to people, so they can share in the WTFery!
Amelia "Fuckheady Bitchipants" Elias said on 03.17.08 at 02:12 PM
LOLporn FTW!!!
And about Dick—er, I mean Deke—just ‘cuz a guy can’t get wood without another guy in bed, lurves buttsecks and is terrified of the va-jay-jay doesn’t mean he’s GAY. Why the hell would you even consider teh gay? It’s totally hetero!
the Chronicler said on 03.17.08 at 02:21 PM
If ever there was a book ripe for MST3K treatment or a drinking game (take a shot every time a character starts a musing with “Damn”), this would be it.
The Loinfire Club are right on it. We’ll send you results should we not die of drink first.
lisabea said on 03.17.08 at 02:46 PM
OK. I think the disclaimer of, you know, THIS IS REAL PRON, should come before the actual link so retarded readers, such as myself, don’t click prematurely.
Fuck.
MamaNice said on 03.17.08 at 02:59 PM
I’m quite sure I enjoyed reading Candy’s review much more than I’d ever enjoy reading the book…much much more.
mlg - oops! Always read everything first before taking action. Even (or especially) with LOLPorn.
Speaking of LOLPorn; that poor chick - she’s like, “Um, dude? I think you missed.”
tudorpot said on 03.17.08 at 03:09 PM
Thank you for the witty, funny public service announcement- saving innocent romance readers from the awful.
Darlene Marshall said on 03.17.08 at 03:11 PM
“Was it good for me?”
How the hell can it be good for me when my sides hurt from laughing, there’s coffee sprayed on the monitor and the dog is barking hysterically ‘cause I look like I’m having fits at the keyboard?
Yes, just another typical Monday morning. With LOLPorn.
Lorelie said on 03.17.08 at 03:13 PM
Oh how the mouse hovers over the lolporn link and oh how my finger hovers over the button.
I wanna click!
But I’m just hoping for a transfer from my job, not to get fired, so no clicky for me. :(
DS said on 03.17.08 at 03:28 PM
I loooked at the LOLPron. That’s a remarkably clean and new looking rug they are doing it on. Do you suppose this was shot in a discount store after hours?
rebyj said on 03.17.08 at 03:49 PM
Two erect fellas in her bed and just taking it up the butt?? That’s taking a female fantasy and turning it into .........a gay man’s fantasy? K-y jelly commercial?
You say this book isn’t written funny, I would say that NOW it is. Any of us read it, we’re gonna remember your review and yeah…you lubed it up good and its gonna slide thru funny like a….... well, you know.
fiveandfour said on 03.17.08 at 03:53 PM
I think I just fell in love with Ben a little bit. (I was already there with you, Candy).
And why isn’t there more LOLPorn? ‘Cause there should be. There really, really should be.
Jean said on 03.17.08 at 04:08 PM
“everyone would agree that that having a man stick his cock up your ass qualifies as “having sex†with him.”
Well, maybe not. Remember, a former President swore that oral sex wasn’t really sex.
Teddypig said on 03.17.08 at 04:15 PM
Next on Entertainment Tonight!
Deke Trenton is not gay he just wants another man to blame.
Sandra D said on 03.17.08 at 04:33 PM
I can’t get over the ‘hero’s’ name Deke. Hockey fans will know that deke means to fake out another player, sneak past him and get the goal. Kinda adds a whole new level to the book for me lol.
Teddypig said on 03.17.08 at 04:43 PM
I welcome you to cinnabar cavern
We’ve been expecting you
You bring such joy in cinnabar cavern
No matter where you stick it in know our love is true
Jen C said on 03.17.08 at 04:46 PM
For me, I think the best part is that he doesn’t (apparently) put on a condom for buttsecks-
Announcement to the technical virgins of the world! The ass contains many a delicate tissue; really, you need a condom as well as lube for buttsecks.
Also, threesomes with a cousin are really a little incesty. I know romance novels tend to think its vegan-kosher to have sex with in-laws and adult step-siblings, but really, that is gross and people shouldn’t do that, even years later. That is automatic book-against-the-wall behavior.
Jennie said on 03.17.08 at 04:53 PM
The only thing I regret about the review is not having the book in my posession so I can throw it into the wall myself.
Perhaps if you posted a video of said book flying across the room and hitting the wall I could get my vicarious thrill that way.
Mala said on 03.17.08 at 05:02 PM
Dangit, I cannot click on the LOLporn, lest I get summarily axed from my job. Then again, that might not be such a bad thing…
At any rate, I just laughed myself silly, complete with wheezes and chokes. That is the saddest, SADDEST excuse for surprise buttsecks threesomes I have ever seen.
I’m going to have to seek out some Emma Holly to cleanse myself. (And THAT’s saying something…)
Darlene Marshall said on 03.17.08 at 05:03 PM
I’m supposed to be working, but I couldn’t resist clicking on the SB page one more time to take a second look at Candy’s review. I only had to read “Fucking her ass. Saving her life.” again to fall apart in helpless laughter.
Damn you, SBs! How am I supposed to get any work done?
Eeyore9990 said on 03.17.08 at 05:07 PM
I have to offer you my firstborn now. Take him. He’s yours.
*is dead from laughter*
Omg, my stomach! My lungs! I hurt! You have killed me with an od of crack!
Joanna S. said on 03.17.08 at 05:14 PM
Or, how about…
Deke Trenton - he’s not gay, he just wants to know what his cousin’s penis tastes like.
(or fantasize about it while he screws some “virgin” up teh ass, but he’s worried that doing so will kill the man he loves!)
Victoria Dahl said on 03.17.08 at 05:14 PM
Oh, jeebus, Candy, you almost killed me. I was laughing so hard I could barely leave a message for Jenn Echols. “Call me… when you… get this…”
I love the virgin’s response to being taking like a greek boy. “Deke?” Because I know I get timid and wide-eyed when that happens to me.
So how is it practice for the double penetration if she won’t do the double penetration? Hmmm. Mysterious.
Lorelie said on 03.17.08 at 05:49 PM
What if it was a cigar headed up that way?
*snicker*
Do you know, over the weekend I had a conversation with 4 adults (over the age of 30 for that matter) who hadn’t heard of the cigar aspect of all that?
Jenns said on 03.17.08 at 05:49 PM
*Still dazed and stomach sore from all the laughing.*
I am so glad I was drinking coffee while I read that. (That life saving bit was hysterical.)
Wow. Just ... There are no words.
Candy, you deserve tons of credit. I’m sure you’ve saved many of us today.
Victoria Dahl said on 03.17.08 at 05:57 PM
Deke Trenton - he’s not gay, he just wants to know what his cousin’s penis tastes like.
Joanna, shut up. I can’t take any more of this. Too. Much. Laughing.
sara said on 03.17.08 at 06:06 PM
“Reading Decadent deafened me.
Have you ever had that experience before?”
Yes, with Jude the Obscure. But I don’t remember nearly so much buttsecks in Thomas Hardy. Damn him.
I’m at work, albeit in a fairly liberal environment, but I can’t wait to get home so I can see the LOLporn. Maybe I’ll have to borrow my coworker’s iPhone.
Robin said on 03.17.08 at 06:21 PM
You know, there are some books I’ll purchase just to see how bad they really are. But after the Carol Lynne phenomenon (just how many of her books did those bad reviews sell, I wonder?), I’m much more careful about even inadvertently sending a message of approval via purchase. This is one of those books I won’t be buying, especially after both your review and Jane’s.
mlg said on 03.17.08 at 06:23 PM
Ok, so I had to prove to myself the book really exists. I went to Amazon. The review there…and I quote, “Though she’s saved herself for Jesse, Kimber soon learns that he’s not the man adept at stoking her aching, endless need. That’s Deke, and he can’t resist when Kimber begs for more-and more.” Also, this is a sequel! And finally, four out of five stars….
Joanna S. said on 03.17.08 at 06:26 PM
Victoria -
It’s ok…just relax the muscles and move into it, which come (hur!) to think of it is probably what Deke said to his cousin once they got rid of their “virginal” beard.
I know. I am very bad for doing this to you. I am not sorry.
Candy said on 03.17.08 at 06:37 PM
In all fairness to the book: there was lube (Luc had had a turn just before Deke, if I remember correctly, and I guess she was, uh, still juicy from that—ohgodnotthinkingofsantorum), and there were condoms.
Also: good point about having the warning about the explicit nature of the link BEFORE the link. I’m going to edit the review accordingly.
And in case anybody wonders about the true homogay content of this book: there’s none, at least textually. Which is part of what killllls me, because oh my God, Deke for the greater part of the book literally needs Luc there in order to get any bonin’ done, and you’d think the story could play with that, have some fun with it, but no. No. It’s because of the dead virgin. It’s always the dead virgins, man. When I start a punk band, I’m going to call it “Dead Virgins.”
nitenurse said on 03.17.08 at 06:40 PM
The Amazon site actually has 30 odd reviews for this.
Just google the title and author and it’s amazing at what reviews you will find.
It’s a whole genre I never even knew existed. Menage a trois.
So, does oral count as part of the DP???
anything84 to submit??
Victoria Dahl said on 03.17.08 at 06:42 PM
(Luc had had a turn just before Deke, if I remember correctly, and I guess she was, uh, still juicy from that
Wait, wait, wait. Then why did Luc cry out in horror, “What the hell are you doing?” Did he mean, “Back off, man, that’s MY hole!”
NHS said on 03.17.08 at 06:46 PM
This stuff gets published when I can’t even find an agent?
Life is Cruel.
shaunee said on 03.17.08 at 07:21 PM
Question:
If the heroine was a vaginal virgin (VV), can we assume that she was an anal virgin (AV) as well? And if she was an AV, Candy would you be willing to describe, briefly, the de-virgin(n)ing scene? Was it painless and orgasmic? Was there discussion about how the AV should be taken? Perhaps an argument Wherein Luc was in favor of the vaginal de-virginization and was finally convinced to go the other route by Deke’s emotional outburst of, “But man, I’m trying to save her freakin’ life!”
(I’m not at all interested in reading the book, naturally. I’d just like to hear more of Candy’s review.)
Candy said on 03.17.08 at 07:22 PM
Victoria: Luc was hoping Deke would run the pussy patrol, if you know what I mean. I didn’t cover Luc’s incredibly retarded conflict and reasons for having threesomes in my review, because holy jebus it’s retarded, but here it is: he’s sterile, and he’s hoping that Deke’s super-sperm will impregnate a woman and he can have a happy threesome family 4-evah.
I honestly don’t have a problem with a stable triad (that’s kind of a contradiction in terms, because triads are notoriously unstable), either fictionally or in real life. But the fact that Luc not only lies by hiding his infertility from Deke, but that he’s actively working so that Deke’s worst nightmare comes true without ever discussing this with Deke makes him a morally repulsive douchebag, too.
And really, what’s with the lack of paternity testing? Did this book take place in an alternate reality?
Victoria Dahl said on 03.17.08 at 07:27 PM
Oh, God, Candy. Thank you for the explanation. Seriously, you went above and beyond the call of doody.
Now I am picturing Luc dirty-sanchezing his name above “his” hole.
Luc’s place. Viable sperm stay out!
Deb said on 03.17.08 at 07:40 PM
OMG, there truly is no need to read this book. NO way could it compare to Candy’s review. I’m still laughing from it and the comments. (Because it’s either that or cry in horror!)
Candy, my 8-year-old and his friends are planning their band (when they’re 13 they’re going to be rock stars). It’s called The Flamin’ Zombies. I think the Dead Virgins would be a primo opening act for them!!!
R. said on 03.17.08 at 07:44 PM
Ye gods and little prairie dogs. This week is off to a tearing start - how can Wednesday/‘Hump Day’ possibly live up to this?
persons94 = no-no-no, way too many
lijakaca said on 03.17.08 at 08:02 PM
Man, not only does the review make me almost laugh out loud in my cube, but the comments do too! The only thing saving my job right now is my restraint in not clickng that link…but you guys srsly make me want to work from home, just so I can see all the lolporn goodness! (badness? good badness? whutevah)
Kristin Lawrence said on 03.17.08 at 08:05 PM
OMG, I still can’t stop laughing. And, having convinced my husband that the SBs are truly the funniest women I’ve (virtually) met, he got a good chuckle out of it too. And he didn’t even see the LOL stuff.
I agree with NHS - how does this sh*t get published when there are lots of brilliant writers getting overlooked because they’re, er,... logical?
Spam blocker: method 81, as in, “Quick, Deke, method 80 for saving a virgin’s life isn’t working. Let’s try method 81!”
Candy said on 03.17.08 at 08:06 PM
Shaunee: Yes, Kimber was completely untouched—she’d barely even kissed a boy, because tall, gorgeous, slightly tomboyish girls are such turnoffs for men. Can’t think of a single dude who’d look twice at a girl who’d wear (gasp) cargo pants.
And yes, she was an anal virgin. They started off small, with a vibrator, which made her come all over the place. When actual buttfuckin’ happened, there was burning and pain, followed shortly thereafter by screaming orgasms—which, to be honest, isn’t too different from most other types of of deflowering scenes in Romancelandia.
The first actual double-penetration scene was hilarious, though—as the two cocks start registering on Kimber’s (admittedly somewhat dim) brain and she realizes what’s about to happen, Deke says something like “That’s right, kitten. Welcome to ménage. Prepare to learn the meaning of multiple orgasms.” Or words to that effect. I’ll have to look up the exact phrasing when I’m back home and have the book in front of me.
Do you guys see what I mean about the summer blockbuster guy?
Ladypeyton said on 03.17.08 at 08:30 PM
“Fucking her ass. Saving her life.â€
BWA! That should be the Heroes tagline for next season!
Laughing too hard to type anything else…..
RStewie said on 03.17.08 at 08:31 PM
Ohh, that’s hilarious! So both of them were trying to be the ass-man, due to their own various, and admittedly stoopid, hangups!!
DUDE, I’M the ass-man! My sperm don’t work!
NO! I’M the ass-man! She’s a virgin and I’ve GOT TO SAVE HER!
OMG, dueling assmen FTW!!
need46: I’m good with one, honestly…
Rebecca said on 03.17.08 at 08:41 PM
The Romantic Times gives it 4.5 stars.
http://www.romantictimes.com/books_review.php?book=33378
I think this tells us more about the RT than about Decadent.
Spamblocker word: back51
In my next life I want to come up with a propos spamwords.
badgerbag said on 03.17.08 at 09:12 PM
I’m crying with laughter…. seriously… that was GREAT.
Thanks for sharing the pain and glory.
Victoria Dahl said on 03.17.08 at 09:29 PM
I was driving home from the store when it occurred to me that this is now going to be my favorite euphemism ever in the entire history of man or beast.
“Honey, you really saved my life last night.”
“Yes. Yes, I did.”
“Seriously, you should be a lifeguard. ‘Cause that was some serious saving.”
“No doubt.”
“Man, I am so hung over.”
You can imagine the looks on my neighbors’ faces as I drove by, cackling hysterically. Thank you for making my week.
Victoria Dahl said on 03.17.08 at 09:33 PM
Oh, I forgot…
*cue “How to Save a Live” from the Grey’s Anatomy Soundtrack*
Candy said on 03.17.08 at 09:34 PM
Victoria: you’re not the only one. My friends and I have started doing that, too.
“Man, I can’t believe how loud I was last night. I sounded like a little Asian girl who was…getting her life saved.”
“Hey, baby. Want me to save your life tonight?”
“Darling, let’s go out and SAVE LIVES.”
shaunee said on 03.17.08 at 09:37 PM
Oh Candy, please, please will you look up the exact phrasing and share with the class?
I almost want to read the book after this review. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being a split second of anger and frustration before your head explodes: how badly will I want to throw the book against the wall?
robinb said on 03.17.08 at 10:02 PM
I, uh, liked the book. :) I’m just saying!
I liked the review better, but I *did* like the book too!
Aimee said on 03.17.08 at 10:05 PM
i keep trying to write something pithy here. but honestly? i have no words.
Janet Mullany said on 03.17.08 at 10:08 PM
My favorite quote from an Amazon review:
My own experience with this one was to forget to eat.
Ri-i-ight. Thanks for an entertaining Monday, Candy. Can’t wait to get home to look at the porn.
Angelina said on 03.17.08 at 10:10 PM
ROFLMAO! Oh you Bitches! All I can hear right now is elton John singing “Someone saved my life tonight”. Do you think this is what he meant?
My word small 52 - WTF I am gonna get fired if I don’t stop laughing!
fiveandfour said on 03.17.08 at 10:14 PM
OK, this:
and this:
caused something to break inside just now. Laughing discretely while hemorrhaging inside isn’t as easy as it sounds.
asrai said on 03.17.08 at 10:24 PM
Menage a trois books are not new. They’re all the rage in the romantica epublishing world. But it’s almost exclusively Two guys and a girl (and a pizza place ... huh, why wasn’t that show porn parodied?).
Why are there so few bisexual heroines in the romance world? Because there are a lot of bi chicks out there. *sigh* I need more time to write.
rebyj said on 03.17.08 at 10:27 PM
ANGELINA QUOTE: All I can hear right now is elton John singing “Someone saved my life tonightâ€. Do you think this is what he meant? UNQUOTE
I think i broke a rib Angelina, cuz the very next thing that went thru my mind was elton john’s ” circle of life”
this may be the “thread that never ends” cuz i think there are still 4,000,001 jokes left.
Helen M said on 03.17.08 at 10:31 PM
Oh god, I think I pulled something laughing so hard. The book sounds like an absolute train wreck, the existence of LOLPorn is fantastic, and I think I’m going to have to go read the review again, just tomake sure I didn’t miss anything when wiping my eyes.
mlg said on 03.17.08 at 10:38 PM
I think I have a horror fascination with
this book. Candy, please don’t say he really called her “kitten”?!?! And strangely, I was waiting for someone to mention some dirty sanchez (thanks Victoria) I think this is so much better than reading the book!
Jenns said on 03.17.08 at 10:54 PM
LOL, Victoria! I was hearing “How To Save A Life” too. Hopefully the good doctors on Grey’s don’t learn this method next season ...
And I goofed when I wrote about how I was glad I was drinking coffee - left out the n’t. I wasn’t this time… Okay. It’s pretty obvious I was still cracking up.
Melissandre said on 03.17.08 at 10:55 PM
So I clicked on the Lolporn link…and my internet suffered an internal error. Coincidence? Or is my computer trying to tell me something?
Erastes said on 03.17.08 at 11:00 PM
Someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear
He almost had his cock in me, didn’t you dear…
DS said on 03.17.08 at 11:04 PM
Ok, so I had to prove to myself the book really exists. I went to Amazon. The review there…and I quote, “Though she’s saved herself for Jesse, Kimber soon learns that he’s not the man adept at stoking her aching, endless need. That’s Deke, and he can’t resist when Kimber begs for more-and more.†Also, this is a sequel! And finally, four out of five stars….
Posted by mlg on 03/17 at 08:23 AM
OMG when I first looked at this I thought the technical virgin had saved herself for Jesus!
Candy said on 03.17.08 at 11:05 PM
Circle of Life.
Oh God. I may never stop laughing.
Oh, and the exact quote, with context, because the context makes it even better:
You know, all things considered, I got the quote eerily accurate, seeing as I read this book and started the review about two months ago.
As for headsploderation potential, I highly, highly recommend reading this in the company of sympathetic company. For variety, use Disney Movie Guy voice, Romantic Comedy guy voice, or Art House Tragedy guy voice just to mix things up.
And robinb: I’m glad you enjoyed the book.
Ben said on 03.17.08 at 11:06 PM
“Oh how the mouse hovers over the lolporn link and oh how my finger hovers over the button.
I wanna click!”
In haiku form:
lolporn entices
finger hovers on button
i wanna click it
Candy said on 03.17.08 at 11:12 PM
I just realized something else:
I will never look at Lifesavers the same way again.
robinb said on 03.17.08 at 11:14 PM
ha! Thanks, Candy.
Hey, if you can’t laugh at your own appreciation for badly written, buttsecks books, then you have no sense of humor!
Besides, I can always blame 3.5 years of law school for doing this to me!
A.M. Hartnett said on 03.17.08 at 11:29 PM
This so reminds me of something you’d find in The Pearl, which of course means if it had been written in Victorian times it would have become a bestseller over the years and mimicked by countless erotica authors.
Rebecca said on 03.17.08 at 11:30 PM
I think I need to buy this book. I’m hovering just under the free shipping limit for chapters.ca for books I actually need ... can anyone give me a good reason why I shouldn’t? I have to see for myself ...
(girls29. heh.)
shaunee said on 03.17.08 at 11:57 PM
Candy, I can’t believe you reviewed this book without first reviewing the first in the series! That’s got to be bad reviewer etiquette. Somewhere.
I insist that you review the first in the series this very second. I know you’re doing the law school thing, but shit aren’t you doing that in whatever time you have leftover after catering to the needs of the Bitchery?
Nora Roberts said on 03.18.08 at 01:00 AM
~“They are simply using [their policy] as a tactic to keep a small press from submitting contest entries. It also looks to me like they are trying to control the outcome of who wins by who they allow in the contest.†~
Comes off as bollocks to me. Arrogant and whiny bollocks.
Read. The. Rules. Sister.
Nora Roberts said on 03.18.08 at 01:02 AM
Eeek. So sorry. The above posted on the wrong thread.
Carry on with porn, please.
Okay, spam word is cut69. Har.
Lauren Dane said on 03.18.08 at 01:11 AM
You warned me and I clicked anyway. I have no one to blame but myself. The look on her face is actually etched into my retinas.
SonomaLass said on 03.18.08 at 01:29 AM
This is the most entertainment I’ve had in days! (Candy’s review, Ben’s LOLpron and these comments, and even the excerpts themselves—but I don’t think I could handle actually reading the book.) I was holding it together until Elton John, then I lost it completely. So completely that Nora’s “Carry on” had me right back on the floor, rolling.
I love me some Smart Bitches!
Bordeaux said on 03.18.08 at 01:30 AM
First post. You’ve all had me in stitches all evening! I’m actually posting simply to share my spam word with you:
life69. heh.
Aemelia said on 03.18.08 at 01:39 AM
OMG…my body hurts from laughing so hard today…
USWriter said on 03.18.08 at 01:55 AM
OMFG! Don’t you people realize I had to GO TO WORK with ‘moral turpitude’ and ‘fucking her ass, saving her life’ rolling around my head, trying not to laugh my own ass off while giving great office?
Please keep it up (heh); it’s a deadly dull job.
U.S. Writer
sandyLou said on 03.18.08 at 02:05 AM
I am so, so happy this site exists. I haven’t laughed so hard in years. I can barely breathe!
I’m pretty sure this could be an episode of Grey’s Anatomy-
sandra said on 03.18.08 at 02:06 AM
LOLporn woman? I thought that was a guy! Spamword is image63. I guess she’s got a very manly image.
Kristin Lawrence said on 03.18.08 at 02:18 AM
OK, you all are ruining my work today. I had myself pulled together, but then Ben’s haiku and Nora’s “carry on” sent me right back over the edge.
Spam word: food46 - Fine, as long as it’s not 46 LifeSavers
Elizabeth said on 03.18.08 at 02:37 AM
Dammit, I work at an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, I can’t click the link.
I can’t.
Oh god I can’t do it.
...
I really really want to, though.
Wry Hag said on 03.18.08 at 02:41 AM
Jesse, international rock star.
Deke, mercenary.
Luc, celebrity chef.
[LOOOOONG pause before continuing with book.]
A “back entrance” that’s a “tight passage”? Well, okay, finally something I can relate to. So I read on. (I despise our backdoor and hallway. Two people, or one person and a dog, can barely squeeze between its walls. The tendons in my neck and the muscles in my arms stand out just trying to get my damned coat on or off.)
But—OOPS—stalled again. Saving a woman’s life by fucking her in the ass? Pshaw. It’s a medical fact that some hymens do indeed extend into females’ rectums, which are, in said females, connected to their uteri and their secret suicide buttons.
Finally, out of respect for scientific accuracy, I must stop reading. Although, to the author’s credit, it is possible for the men in a two-man threesome to blame each other for the woman’s pregnancy. Why? Because certain men can sweat sperm, and the unique physiological mechanism that allows for this makes DNA testing impossible.
(That picture, by the way, was just roadkill groaty. Think I’m gonna go get that sex-change operation now.)
GREAT REVIEW, CANDY!
Candy said on 03.18.08 at 03:32 AM
Wry Hag: that last bit of your comment about sweating sperm had me going “Oh my God, that’s hilarious and fucked up and she’s TOTALLY kidding…I think?” Good job.
Susan/DC said on 03.18.08 at 03:33 AM
So if Kimber (rhymes with limber) does get pregnant and kill herself—after all, according to Deke’s line of thought, isn’t that the reaction of most women to news they’re going to have a baby—would she then qualify for a Darwin award? Or would she have to get pregnant and kill Deke too?
Okay, my spam blocker is truth39, which I take to mean that I trust the SB to tell me the truth about books like this.
Tina said on 03.18.08 at 03:37 AM
I was chuckling but pretty much keeping it together until:
That made me ROLL!
(Good thing I wasn’t at work when I read that one. On the other hand, the net nanny at work has decided that the comments section is porn. Not the site—the comments. And no, this wasn’t the comment section that set it off, believe it or not.)
friends31—a few too many to invite to the menage, obviously.
Another Damn Sarah said on 03.18.08 at 03:37 AM
I didn’t cover Luc’s incredibly retarded conflict and reasons for having threesomes in my review, because holy jebus it’s retarded, but here it is: he’s sterile, and he’s hoping that Deke’s super-sperm will impregnate a woman and he can have a happy threesome family 4-evah.
Well, that’s actually kind of Arthurian.
If you read Marion Zimmer Bradley, that is. I don’t think it’s in Arthur, Morte d’.
Madeleine said on 03.18.08 at 03:40 AM
Oh my god. Candy, I like LifeSavers. And now I can never eat them again. :(
Lorelie said on 03.18.08 at 03:41 AM
Oh sweet baby jesus, I don’t know where to begin with the laughter and the comments and the lolporn. I’m supposed to be fixing my friend’s research paper!
Aimee said on 03.18.08 at 03:45 AM
now that i think about it, and sadly it’s taken up the better part of my day, wouldn’t this plot synopses go really well with the Sims Doin’ It Threeway Style cover from the snark post the other day? The Polyamourous Princess.
I mean, the Jesus figure totally looks like he could be a French chef, and the blond dude is totally Special Forces of the Ass (save the woman, save the world). He’s wearing the right skivvies for it.
Aimee said on 03.18.08 at 03:51 AM
now that i think about it, and sadly it’s taken up the better part of my day, wouldn’t this plot synopses go really well with the Sims Doin’ It Threeway Style cover from the snark post the other day? The Polyamourous Princess i think it was.
i mean, the Jesus figure totally looks like he could be a French chef, and the blond dude is totally Special Forces of the Ass (saving the world one ass fucking at a time). he’s wearing the right skivvies for it
Thorn said on 03.18.08 at 04:15 AM
Ow, my poor brain! Ow, my girly bits! Ow, my… you get the idea.
You have broken me.
Anj said on 03.18.08 at 05:46 AM
I have to say, the phrase “Special Forces of the Ass” just made my night.
wow. hilarious.
Also, this book is hilarious. I spent all afternoon waiting to come home so I could click the LOLporn link.
Save a woman. Fuck an ass…
Wirdald said on 03.18.08 at 05:47 AM
Y’all have corrupted me. I just googled “LOLporn” and, amazingly enough, someone else was there before you (and the innuendo continues).
Also, what is “aroused gravel” and where do I get some? Is it better than the regular gravel I have in my driveway? It sure sounds better.
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