Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

*shudder* That is truly horrendous!

@_@

I read the first three paragraphs. I had to stop. I may never be the same.

Whoa, I just clicked on a larger picture of the cover, and holy crapdamn is that ugly! Not as ugly as the actual writing, but maybe a distant second place.

It’s like each paragraph was a multiple choice… and the answer was always “all of the above”

Her breasts were:
A. Citrus
B. Limestone
C. Bright Cumulus
D. Smooth fingertips of musrum
E. Honeycombs
F. Dew Beaded Windows
G. Soft, sweet cheese
H. Sweet apples
I. Glass
J. Cowries
K. Twin Moons of the Earth
L. All of the above

By the way, I would have chosen “soft, sweet cheese”.  I’m picturing an AWESOME cheese ball sculpture!

OK, what the HELL is the scent of the gibbous moon?  The people making those new Eau de Star Trek scents could have a field day with that one.  Thanks for the laugh, BTW.  That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks!

I used to know someone named Bronwyn and her major complaint about her name was that it’s ubiquitous is certain types of horrendous fiction.  I hope she never see this nightmare because she’d blow a gasket.  I understand why the LJ writer had to scan it in—-there is no way to convey just how bad that book is to anyone who hasn’t read it.

On the plus side, after reading the paragraph the starts out describing her pubes I now have a much greater appreciation for the descriptions in romance novels.

WAT.

no seriously WAT???

I have been scarred for life!

THAT was truly awful. I couldn’t read it all. My favorite LOL line in comments was… (From book) “HER PUBES IS A FIELD OF WHEAT AFTER THE HARVEST” comment - So, rat-infested stubble, basically

BRAWHAHAHAHA

So, rat-infested stubble, basically

Now we have the description of Spikenard when he’s doing her.

Ugh. Where the hell is my eye-bleach?

And just so people know—this writer was imitating ANOTHER writer. I recall reading some piece of mainstream slop where pages of moronic description were inflicted on the hapless reader in the name of literature.

It’s a Style Thing to write bad on purpose, and clearly Miller was trying to bring it to fans of fantasy.

Thankfully, like a case of dysentery, it was quite rightly refused.

Dude, and people think romance novels have purple prose. That is, unquestionably one of the greatest things I have ever read. Ever. I am going to force everyone I know to read it.

Hey Baby, you’re so hot. Your feet are like marmosets.

AAAhahahaha!  Leaves of Grass in a blender indeed. 
That shit is Imperially purple.  Awesome.

So the saggy-boobed, jackbooted girl on the cover is the same one that is being described as ethereally “ferret tongued,” “shark necked,” and all the rest?

headdeskthud

Jeezum crow! Her legs were bundles of wicker?

For some reason I don’t think I would be happy if someone compared my legs to a handful of sticks.

It’s all awful, but that one isn’t even remotely flattering.

I think the best line is the one that starts:

Her pubes was…

And then the rest of the paragraph, he chooses to pronounize “pubes” as “it.” 

I mean, that’s not the worst of the offenses, but it stuck out.

Brain bleach, please.

The structural Engineer in me would like to know how thighs can be:

A forge
Shears
The sandstone buttress of a cathedral
silk OR cobwebs.

Why not silk AND cobwebs? They are the only two things on that list that are vaguely similar!!!

For my sanity I have to believe this was created by a random word generator. Feet like Marmosets? What? Hairy and wiggly and prone to bite?

*awe*

I had to stop when I reached “Her face had the fragrance of a gibbous moon.” I couldn’t put myself through anymore.

Gibbous means outward bulging, but that’s beside the point. What the heck does an outwardly bulging moon smell like??

Apparently, moon rocks smell like gunpowder.  So I guess a gibbous moon would smell like that, just more shiny than a crescent moon would smell.

:-)

I’m sorry but…Spikenard?  Seriously, Spikenard.  Sounds like a bad name a man would give his penis.  “Hey baby, wanna try out my Spikenard?”  Gag.

Magic word: thing98.  Indeed.

Oh sweet Jesus.  I stopped reading after a few paragraphs—it was hard to continue what with my brain exploding and all.

Okay, that was like Mad-Lib on crack.

This is addicting -

“her teeth were her only bracelet” - she must have been trying to chew through her wrist to get away from this description

I’m sorry but…Spikenard?  Seriously, Spikenard.  Sounds like a bad name a man would give his penis.  “Hey baby, wanna try out my Spikenard?”  Gag.

In my head it was even worse because I initially read it as Spiketard and could not imagine why an adult would write that.  Of course, once I read the rest I realized that cruel juvenile name calling would have fit right in.

This is addicting -

“her teeth were her only bracelet” - she must have been trying to chew through her wrist to get away from this description

OMGROFLMAO!!!

From Wikipedia:

“Spikenard (Nardostachys grandiflora or Nardostachys jatamansi; also called nard, nardin,and muskroot ) is a flowering plant of the Valerian family that grows in the Himalayas of China, India and Nepal. The plant grows to about 1 m in height and has pink, bell-shaped flowers. Spikenard rhizomes (underground stems) can be crushed and distilled into an intensely aromatic amber-colored essential oil, which is very thick in consistency. Nard oil is used as a perfume, an incense, a sedative, and an herbal medicine said to fight insomnia, birth difficulties, and other minor ailments…”

“Her tongue was a ferret…”

Well, THAT’S going to make certain things difficult and painful.

that whole thing was both painful and awesome, but i think my favorite line about the book is in the product desciption:

Treacherously betrayed, she flees Londeac in a hair-raising balloon/dirigible chase, only to fall into the hands of the faerie king, Spikenard.

who doesn’t want to be in a hair-raising dirigible chase?

Figures it’d be some shit like this to get me out of Lurkdom!

I’d say I’d choose a best of line, but there’s just so many… By all that’s purple tho, I’ll have to go with “Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest; a field neatly furrowed..” for $500, Smart Bitches!

Oh my sweet heavenly wheat fields, you’ll never be the same.

I’m on board with the Mad-Lib or random word generator theories.  I just don’t see how else you could have such horrible mis-matches.

Worst writing of the day, and since I’m grading student essays, that IS saying something.  Thanks for the respite!

Her tongue was a ferret.  It was a black-footed ferret, fighting extinction. It was a small mammal, inserted awkwardly into a sexy conversation.  It was a point of arousal between a white chick and hawt Indian.  It spawned a great storm upon the internets and other media.

I’m pretty sure we used to call my friend’s little brother Spikenard when he wouldn’t leave us alone. 

SPIKENARD!

::Shakes fist at the sky::

Review
“...a vivid and exceptional fantasy world.”—Allan Steele: Orbital Decay; Chronospace; Coyote

“Ron Miller has a startling dramatic range—he can write everything from powerful romantic lyricism to the ironically whimsical—a modern voice with classical strength.”—Stephen Hickman, author of The Lemurian Stone

“Ron Miller is unfairly talented.”—Sir Arthur C Clarke

REVIEW: Volume 1 of this series (BRONWYN: PALACES & PRISONS) won the 2001 Book of the Year Award - Foreword Magazine ForeWord Magazine - Silver Fiction Award: Science Fiction—Award Note

Good god, is everyone listed here reading the same book that contains the pages I read?

What’s missing on these quotes:

“Ron Miller is unfairly talented.”—Sir Arthur C Clarke

He has so little talent, it’s almost unfair.

“...a vivid and exceptional fantasy world.”—Allan Steele: Orbital Decay; Chronospace; Coyote

which exists in his own mind only, aided and abetted by a hefty dose of hallucinogens…

“Ron Miller has a startling dramatic range—he can write everything from powerful romantic lyricism to the ironically whimsical—a modern voice with classical strength.”—Stephen Hickman, author of The Lemurian Stone

Unfortunately, it comes from the medications they sedate him with which is why this makes no sense.

Sorry, I just couldn’t resist…

AAAAACK -

I am now gouging out my bird shadow, mirrors, and legends on old charts eyes.  Surely this little gem of literature was nominated for Britain’s Literary Review worst erotic writing of the year?

So, um, does anyone actually know if Spikenard (which I seriously can’t read without a mental “heh heh”) follows his, ah, rhapsodies by violently raping her?

Because seriously, that just takes it to a whole new level.  Ugh.

Theres19 different similes for body parts in this passage…at least.  How do the spamwords know????!

Hmm.. waking up, stumbling out to the computer, and then reading that…. I’ve very rarely read a book where the character has my name (How Green was My Valley being the only one I can think of - except I have her name…).

Anyway, there’s an extra layer of horror when it’s your own name in there. I sure hope my day gets better.

Extra hmmm… my anti-spam word is youre46. I know, computer, I know. You don’t have to remind me. But at least my legs aren’t quills.

I think I have an explanation. Yanno The Onion? Where you use these little magnet thingies to make up silly headlines? He got his passage from those. Otherwise it’s sheer reader-abuse.

It’s so bad, it’s kinda good…in that sort of mood where I see everything as better than having bamboo shoots poked under my nails.

Is there a Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Readers?

Awesome!  Love the choose-your-own-non-sequitor-adjective generator.  I have long feared my own purple prose monster.  But I see now that I suffer only a mild amethyst tic.  I feel refreshed and renewed.

And both this book and the one before it are “out of stock” and with no reader reviews on Amazon.  So the author is unlikely to profit from our sudden train-wreck-like fascination with his, um, work.

Good grief. 

For me, the first warning is the name Bronwyn.  My sincere apologies to all those American ladies bearing that name, but it is ignorant Bad Welsh.  The name is Bronwen, both because it is a feminine name and because bron (breast) is a feminine noun, so the adjective for ‘white’, gwyn, has to take the feminine form, gwen - and has to drop the g for mutation.  Bronwen.  Never, never ‘Bronwyn’.  Yuck.

The name Bronwyn enraged me even before I read any more of that sorry tosh.

AgTigress, the name is more common here in Australia than it is in America, but is usually (not always) the mis-spelled version. I don’t know how the mis-spelling arose, but it did, and a lot of us have the -wyn ending instead of -wen.

I know technically my name is ‘wrong’, but hey, spelling is fluid over time, and I kind of like my ‘y’. It also balances the ‘y’ in Parry and makes the signature look better :-)

Someone actually drew a picture of Bronwyn based on those descriptions, around halfway through the seventh page. I’d label as NWS, to be safe. ;)

But… the prose in that excerpt is among the purpliest of the purple. And I’m perfectly terrified.

I think it is pretty common in the USA, too.  Obviously I accept that spellings of personal names do change, but I can tell you that it really grates on a Welsh-speaker!  Having said that, there are some pretty idiotic new names even in Welsh, so maybe I am just old-fashioned…

I think the spelling probably arose simply because people liked the look of it (‘y’ is very popular in names, and is often gratuitously used instead of i - ‘Carolyn’ rather than ‘Caroline’, for instance), and possibly they were even aware of the Welsh masculine name ‘Gwyn’, while having no idea that gender affects form in Welsh nouns and adjectives. 

:-)

“And then he rapes her.”

That…shouldn’t be nearly as funny as it is.

Eek. There’s bad, and then there’s bad.

Her tongue was a ferret. It was a black-footed ferret, fighting extinction. It was a small mammal, inserted awkwardly into a sexy conversation. It was a point of arousal between a white chick and hawt Indian. It spawned a great storm upon the internets and other media.

Suze - this is fabulous.

Oh, I read further on and have found my new favorite character name. A character who towers above mortals

“...like a mountain, the abundant, boundless, heaven-crowned figure of Thud Mollockle.”

I was grading 8th Grade essays when I took a break to browse the webs (in hopes my eyes would stop bleeding and to save my remaining hair from pulling) and then I see THIS.

CURSE YOU!  *raises fist*
I love you smart bitches so but oh my sweet patootey that HURT to read!  I think I’ll go back to the 8th graders.  They make slightly more sense.

My word: high31 - HA!  You have to be high to enjoy that!

HER THIGHS WERE GEESE?!?

HER THIGHS WERE GEESE?!?

Maybe they honked when she walked?

Well, the Ron Miller ouevre is available at Lulu.com.  Most notably the Encyclopedia Bronwynia, which my DH suggests must be for those who found these 2 pages inadequately descriptive.

Here’s the link: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback_book/the_encyclopaedia_bronwyniana/341300

I believe those two pages were once a winner in the NaFiLaMo (National Figurative Language Month) contest. 

One of the lady judges later commented, “I myself have thighs like schooners, under full, billowing sail. And I’m proud to say they have carried me into many a musky harbor and up to many a sturdy—oh, so very straight and long and solid—wood dock that did not quail at my approach.  Bravo, sir, for capturing the essence of womanhood!”

All that purple prose… shudder.

Reminds me of a quilt I started making several years ago.  Every fabric in it had three characteristics:

1)  it was purple
2)  it was fugly,  and
3)  it was so obscenely fugly, I felt sorry for it.

I called it my purple pity quilt.  LOL

It was so hideous, it was actually interesting from certain perspectives.  It was also painful to look at. So much so, I threw it in the back of the closet with the rest of the UFOs.  I couldn’t stare at it long enough to finish without feeling queasy.

Diane :o)

“-wine bottles covered with dew and otters-”

And that is where I just completely lost it. God, I thought I was going to give myself a nosebleed trying to hold the laughter in.

... all the horrors perpetuated against the English language, and I still can’t get over the name ‘Spikenard.’

Here hair was “the color of a leopard’s tongue”.

What, pink?

Her pubes was a field of wheat after harvest…

Okay.  There just are no words for that.  (There are no words for a guy named ‘Spikenard’, either.)

Oh. My. God.

It’s like he swallowed the Song of Songs whole, and then vomited out…this.

@snarkhunter

It’s more like he gave the Song of Songs speed and then deprived it of sleep for a few weeks…

It’s like he swallowed the Song of Songs whole, and then vomited out…this.

Oh, thank you. I thought it was just me, seeing something vaguely familiar and yet horribly mutilated.

I think the spelling probably arose simply because people liked the look of it (‘y’ is very popular in names, and is often gratuitously used instead of i - ‘Carolyn’ rather than ‘Caroline’, for instance).

All I can think of is the P.G. Wodehouse bit about how you have to beware of Gwendolyns, esp when they spell their name with a “y”, LOL! The “y” lets you know they’re crazy.

“-wine bottles covered with dew and otters-”

Don’tcha just hate it when your wine bottle is covered with otters, you’re eyes are the sound of rain (???), and then this happens:

“The bristly mound of her pubes buzzed and hummed like a shaken hornet’s nest.”

I know I hate it when my pubes buzz and hum. Damned annoying.