Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Please, will someone hand that first guy a bra?

Really, if this shit bothers you, I’d suggest vacationing someplace other than Miami. Because I can look out my window right now and ... yes, it’s all there. Also, chihuahuas.

First cover, someone has taken a chunk out of the guy’s bicep, and his torso has wrinkles!

Second cover, looks like Donny Osmond is about to rip chick’s head off and toss it in the lake.

river57: ok I stand corrected, it’s not a lake it’s a river.

On the Secrets cover, I’m not 100% positive, but I think that’s Diana Peterfreund (author of Secret Society Girl). I know she’s on one or two of the Secrets covers. She’s discussed how that came about on her blog.

When the six pack is in the Seventh House
And handcuffs align with Mars
Then sleaze will guide the planets
And hookers will bill the stars

This is the dawning of the age of Bad Photoshop
The age of Bad Photoshop!

The unexpected floating torso scares me—seriously, I’d never date guys who have a bigger cup size than I do.  Call it vanity if you like, but that’s just not in my comfort zone. 

Then again, maybe that’s a moot point with this guy.  Considering his tragic lack of appendages, his mantitties may be the least of his problems.

What is Drew Barrymore doing on the second cover?

okay..i want to speak on the HANDCUFF issue…i live in a small town in SE Ohio..last week our fine cops were bringing a gal down here <

>...when the deputy let this gal out the County Van..she bolted…Handcuffs and all…big news..in this town.
.for a shor,pathetic,while…....me…i’m trying to create a story from this pathetic circumstamce…our sherrif deputies are seriously

... Why is it the thing I find Most Wrong out of a buffet of wrongness on the first cover is the guy using his motorcycle handle to push up his pec?  Maybe the bike is feeling him up.

  Also, Unexpected Floating Torso!  If you’re going to just Photoshop random images over a cityscape, could they not be so obvious that they’re just Photoshopping random images over a cityscape?

  I’m kind of surprised that the cityscape wasn’t arranged so that Mister Torso was hovering above the tallest building.

Sarah does win. You can’t top that poetry (though the torso in the sky tries).

then everyone discovers that the floating torso is really ...
kuatuo!!!!

Dude, if these are sold in Indianapolis, there is a new law that requires all mainstream bookstores selling sexually explicit materials to register with the state.

Cheers,
Mary C.

in the first one, how is it that the computer graphics manages to capture the model’s nose job so well? (doesn’t look like her real nose)

in the second one, well, maybe this is too much studying, but she looks like she’s pale and sick, possibly just threw up, and he’s checking lymph nodes or something…

the third, well, that’s a thirteen year old girl whose mom let her wear a bikini…ok, maybe she’s 15? her face looks too young…and sure, the song, “it’s raining men” is funny, but raining torsos and handcuffs just doesn’t do it for me…unless one wants something to make fun of…

(Snort) Kuddos Sarah. That poetry made my day.
This book is up the same alley as that third cover. Ouch.

Yes, that is indeed Diana Peterfreund on the Secrets cover.

Well, the cover art on all those books, including Thong on Fire(thanks for the link Claralira) is tragically bad.

And the books sell! Thong of Fire (Oh, the puns! the jokes! I bite my lip.) is sold out at Amazon. It is obvious that these writers know their demographic.

I see covers like that, I look for something else to read. I don’t even look inside.

I guess that’s why, if you want to find any good book design, you have to go to bone fide publishing houses. And some of those leave something to be desired.

:(

Ciaralira, that cover is terrible! Pass the eye bleach!

Teddypig gets major props, as does Sarah. *walks off humming Age of Bad Photoshop… er Aquarius*

The chicklet on that Terms of Surrender cover has a very bad wig on and is it me or does that look suspiciously like a 5 o’clock shadow??  Err.  Slim hips, too.

Where’s TeddyPig?  There’s a buttsecks joke here screaming for his dry wit to deliver it!

werd:  normal13

Irony, thou art a harsh mistress!

Cover One:

Is it me or does she look like someone slammed her face in a car door?

Cover Two:

Oh, my god, his bicep is smoking!  Get an extinguisher quick!

Cover Three:

AHHH!!! GIANT TORSO IS ATTACKING THE CITY!!!  CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD!!!

Chrissy, I’m so glad you mentioned it because that 3rd cover to me also looks like a 5 o’clock shadow is happening. Also, maybe I’m overthinking things, but it sure looks like I should be seeing at least a hint of a boob at the angle she’s twisted at.

Ciaralira, ouch, painful cover there. And did anyone else notice that Thong on Fire was written by the same author as did Thug-a-licious. There had to have been a better title for either story. Seriously.

Still, why did these covers even make it through QA? Because someone had to approve of them, and that someone (several someones) has some very odd tastes.

Thong on Fire:  I am happy to be assured that I am looking at the crotch of someone who is wearing underwear—unless the thong has already caught fire and she has pulled it off in a panic.

If you check out the one star reviews there is one from a mother who was mightily upset that her 14 year old daughter cannot buy cigarettes or booze but could get a copy of this book.  In fact she even watched her daughter buy it.  Some parents—when will they start parenting.

more info about Diana’s cover modeling…

Well I am glad to see in “Caught of Guard” that Jem was able to find work after the Holograms broke up.

DS: What the-!?

“Yes, I watched my daughter buy it. What do you mean, why didn’t I stop her…?”

*THUD THUD*

Some people’s children…

Curse the intro to this post! I now have the following ditty running through my head:

On the goooood ship What The Fuck,
It’s a gross trip to a garbage truck
Where torsos play
On the CGI shores of Posermint Bay…

Byron is spinning in his grave at being associated cover no 3…
http://www.bartleby.com/101/600.html

Yeah, that’s me. My skin is not that magenta in real life, I SWEAR.

I think because that was the “all paranormal, all the time” secrets volume, they got very creative with the photoshopping.

You should see the one where I’m grabbing on to his tie. He’s not wearing a shirt, just a tie. It’s a look I’m not so familiar with.

spam-blocker word job76. TOO FUNNY.

when i comes(?) to ROMANCE COVERS…anything goes, right?”??the sleazier the better, i guess..the one with the handcuffs and disembodied male(?) torso still makes me laugh…at least, those of us who deplore this shit can deplore like hell..but laugh just the same

Cover #1: Her adam’s apple fits into the missing chunk of his biceps. They’re a perfect match.