Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Saucy accompaniment? Damn Candy.  Thanks for putting that image in my head.

This can’t be happening again!!

But, yes, apparently it can.

There is no doubt the woman in the first cover recently consumed a magic burrito which allows her to fart art. This is no mystery.

The second, however, is quite mysterious. See how the disembodied masculine hands, and the head and single arm of a stoned ho float above the city with a voluptuous blue body on a computer monitor. How is this possible, you may ask? Did the owner of the hands holding the ice pick hack them off his own body? Did he hack the ho’s head from hers? Why didn’t he use a saw, or a nice cleaver? Or is he merely preparing to conduct an orchestra? Will innocent pedestrians below be killed when what went up comes down? Who wouldn’t want to read this book and find out?

Is that the same stoned ho in the third image? With her head mysteriously re-attached to her body? Why is The Hoff wearing a leisure suit circa 1970? Has he . . . come back to the future?

Once again, I find myself in desperate need of an adult beverage.

A Real Doll joke and two riffs on The Hoff.  My side is hurting from laughing so hard.

Thank you for the commentary, Nora! I’ll be chuckling about it for hours.

But what on earth does “Halalos” mean? And “A Halal”?

Lord help me, I’m going to hell for saying this, but here goes.

Is -ajanak the Hungarian equivalent of -o in Spanish?

You know how when someone is to be portrayed as a fool they always have them sticking -o on the end of English words to make them Spanish?  Spice-o, truck-o, blood-o, etc.

Cause it just struck me as funny that it’s New York Times all in english, but then bestsellerlistajanak.  Like it was an insanely crappy translation.

Now that I’ve painted myself as an immature goober who laughs at fart jokes and funny accents….

La Nora said: Or is he merely preparing to conduct an orchestra?  I wondered that too, but I’ve had conductors on the brain lately.  As for The Hoff - you have to check out the mind-numbing music video my husband found.  He’s gonna be done for kidnapping!

I may have mentioned my books were purchased by an Estonian publisher.

Somebody, please, reassure me that the Estonians are known for their tasteful cover art.

Sincerely,

Armastusjumalanna (I’m told on good authority this is Estonian for “Love Goddess”)

Poor Nora, indeed ...  :lol: Great snark - Real Dolls are exactly what those inane expressions bring to mind!

Incidentally, doesn’t that look like Mr Sheffield from The Nanny in the last one there ... perhaps masquerading as the Hoff to confuse things even more?

Now I can’t get rid of the thought that this first cover is what happens when a bunch of wizards are out partying….

Darlene, I don’t know Estonian and only recognize a smattering of Finnish words, but the parts look enough like their Finnish cognates (armas, love, and jumala, god) that it certainly means something closer to “love goddess” than, say, “sword-wielding avenging troll” or “burrito-eating wizard”.

That “saucy accompaniment” snark almost made me hurl my tasty salad I’m having. Almost.

Thank you, Castiron.  You’ve given my mind ease.

Now I just need to sit by the phone, waiting for the call from my agent saying he’s lined me up the big Estonia signing tour…

The other day I was walking through Toys R’ Us and I noticed the new “My Scene Fab Faces” Barbies. (This video shows what they look like and how the faces move. Not for the faint of heart.) I looked at their creepy ass faces and thought “Why do these look so familiar?” and then I realized, they looked like Barbie sized versions of real dolls… but possibly with more clothing.

Are these books marketed as romance or as mainstream thrillers in Hungary?  Or maybe Hungarian men read romance too?  I can’t imagine why Eve has blow-job lips in all of these covers unless it’s to attract a male reader.

I’ve been laughing all day at the Farting Eve pic and then I realized:  all those soy dogs she eats?  This cover might not be so innacurate after all!

And yet, freakishly, I can tell which book each one is by that horrific cover art.  I may not be able to read the damn things in Hungary, but I could certainly identify them.

Here I am clarifying some thins from Hungary:
Halal means Death and Halalos is its infectioned form. These covers are for:
Survivor in Death
Seduction in Death
Glory in Death

As since the first book Nora’s name also on the covers they market it as romantic suspence. Oh and one more fact, the translator is a bloke.

artistic farts? ROFLMAO Some one help me I can’t breathe

The second cover looks like an advertisement in the back of an Archie comic: “Wow!  Novelty X-Ray Glasses!  Shoc and Amaze Your Friends!  Great Laffs at Parties!”  It seriously needs to be paired with an ad for Hostess Fruit Pies.

I also sell to Estonia, but can’t comment on their cover art, as I don’t remember. My foreign titles are boxed up and sent off to foreign study depts at universities. Otherwise, I fear I’d look at them. Then I would drink adult beverages day and night until there would be no need for cover art as I would be living in a refrigerator box under a bridge clutching my bottle of Run, Walk and Lie Down.

And now I realize I may be somehow responsible for drunken frat parties across the land. Oh well.

Oh, and the link to the Barbies? That was just mean.

Halal means Death and Halalos is its infectioned form.

I think you mean “inflected” or perhaps even “inflective”. Not that I know what either of those terms means, but I do know it’s a linguistic tense of some kind.

Although “infectioned” is probably more apt, at least considering the skanky ho cover girls on these books. ;-) Although I think the chick on the David Hasselhoff cover is either Gweneth Paltrow or Blythe Danner. They are the most freakishly look-alike mother-daughter acting team on earth. Perhaps it is a scene from a mid-‘70s Blythe Danner movie, wherein she is slashed by some guy with a plastic nose? Seriously, look at it! It looks like the light is coming through the nose, not bending around it.

Hella-creepy.

Ms. Nora is making me cry laughing over this.

That second cover, Halalos Csabitas—I’m almost certain I’ve seen it or a very close approximation on an Anglophone cover. Look familiar to anyone else?

First - thank goodness Nora has a sense of humor.

Second - ROFLMAO!! These are SO CHEESY.

In the second cover, it looks like the guy is getting ready to do a boob job, not that this chick needs one!

And don’t you like how “Eve Dallas” looks different on each cover? Blonde hair; burnette, etc.

And that is SO Mr. Sheffield on cover #3. I can’t remember him ever backhanding The Nanny, but you never know what happens off-scene! :)

Find more.

Anyone else reading that word as Halitosis?  Halitosis in Death.  Nora, it’ll be a hit, I’m telling you.  (Well, at least in Hungary.)

Take a look at the German covers on amazon.de.  Aside from the fact that they are drawn by some guy with a foot fetish, they aren’t nearly so bad—unlike the perfectly dreadful Krentz and Lowell covers!

Since I’m hungarian I tell you:

Halál = death

Halálos = deathly

And even though the covers are suck, we love these books, they are great!

The translation is made by a guy and he’s doing it perfectly, and actually getting better since the first ones.

I already informed the publisher about these notes and remarks you made, let’s see if they going to aproove and change the cover style.

And actually hungarian cover styles are horrible overall, so we here, already got used to it, and not noticing it anymore.