I received an ARC of this book in the mail, and the cover made me do a double take:
Sarah: She's thinking, “No, sir, I will not accept your call. You don't dress appropriately for snow. I certainly don't trust you with my future.”
This cover seriously baffles me. She's got a coat and gloves AND a fur muff, and he's all, “Cold doesn't bother me. I traipse about the English countryside with my shirt undone. How else would you know this isn't an inspirational romance? Wait…this isn't, is it? Am I in the wrong book cover?“
Amanda: That is a conveniently placed muff. And the hero's pants make him seem like a Ken doll. What does a girl have to do get a bulge around here?!
Sarah: But you know, this isn't the first hero on a cover who has no winter weather apparel sense. If the hero above wants to be taken seriously as a winter warrior, though, he needs to take lessons from this guy:
The stepback to The Devil in Winter by Lisa Kleypas is hands down my favorite winter weather WTF cover. Other heroes must bow their heads in shame at this guy. He grabs her ass while wearing a cape. In the snow. That's it. Cape, pants and boots. Poor Evie barefoot in her nightgown is one thing, but at least she has a fur rug to kneel on. Sebastian feels NO COLD, and there are NIPPLES EVERYWHERE.
Elyse: is this why aristocrats had valets? Chalmers takes a day off and Sebastian forgets a shirt?
Amanda: His hand is a different color than his arm, so maybe he's going shirtless to get a nice, even base.
Sarah: But wait, there are more. For further heroic weather inappropriateness, we turn to our Wisconsin Winter Correspondent, Elyse:
Elyse: Now to be fair, I'm not sure if that's snow or sea spray but I bet it's fucking cold.
Sarah: When you first sent that cover over, I thought his kilt was sparkling and I nearly fell off my chair in excitement.
Redheadedgirl: Look, we know from watching Outlander that Scottish wool is serious business. You don't NEED more than a kilt. Not if you have winterized your abs.
Amanda: If that kilt doesn't keep him warm, those eyebrows will.
But wait! There are winter heroines!!
Elyse: What is this thing I'm stepping in?! I bet having frost bitten toes amputated in olden times sucked.
Sarah: That looks like advanced hypothermia, the stage where she thinks she's boiling hot and starts taking off her clothes. Except for the close-to-death part of that symptom, I can picture a few romance heroes lifting their heads, like, Is that my cue? Hang on! Be right there!
Redheadedgirl: I have serious questions about the era and provenance of her dress. Many questions.
Amanda: It's like she's doing that thing where you test the water's tempoerature by dipping your toes into it. But this is snow. And in order for it to snow, it has to be cold. I hope someone finds her and gives her some proper footwear.
Elyse: If there was a dude with a matching bow tie and cummerbund, this could be a legit prom in WI photo.
Sarah: Are there red heels that are snow and waterproof because if so I NEED SOME. IMMEDIATELY.
Amanda: I suppose red heels are better than no shoes at all. Or maybe she's hiding a pair of snowshoes under that bench for the trek back to her manor. One could hope.
Elyse: She's singing Let It Go right before she dies of hypothermia.
Sarah: See? Taking off her clothes because her body has lost all concept of its actual temperature. Either that, or the hills are about to be alive with the sound of something or other because she's about to get it on with yeti.
Redheadedgirl: I read that book and there's a Norsewoman with velvet gowns and I just can't. I'm doing this wrong.
Amanda: That cape reminds me of:
Sarah: But wait! A challenger appears! Sebastian Cape Vincent from Devil in Winter faces the full illustration for Donna Fletcher's Loved By a Warrior:
Shirtless in the snow, wearing a kilt? Not bad. But check out the full illustration by artist Victor Gadino:
Elyse: I like that she remembered her ankle bracelet but forgot, you know, shoes.
Sarah: Is it wrong that I want to see this guy face off in an actual duel with Sebastian? Like, a winter weather dance off? With kilts and capes? Anyone with me there?
Amanda: Listen, as a Floridian now living in Boston, I left my house in a dress, tights, boots, sweater, and double-lined North Face jacket today. It was 39 degrees that morning with a high of 57. I would never survive as a winter heroine because I would be ripping the plaid off this man's body and covering every inch of my exposed skin with it.
Old Skool winter people!
“When Love Commands” by Jennifer Wilde (1991). This is Russia. In full winter. And she’s wearing a nightie. No shoes, no coat… heck, no clothes. Her hair is awesome. How can they not see the wolf that is about to EAT THEM?!
That wolf is straight up about to bite her on the tuchas. WOW.
Obviously that wolf wants nightie girl for his/her mate. Hence the impending ass bite. Watch out orchechornya overcoat man, you’re next! (Can you tell I just finished Molly Harper’s Naked Werewolf series.)
Hahaha! Thank you. That was awesome. It made my day. 😀
I need to go put on my slippers. Working barefoot in my home office has suddenly gotten a little too chilly for me!
Devil in Winter is one of my favourite books of all time, but I only read it on ebook form, so I have no idea that its got such an embarrassing stepback! That guy is not giving Sebastian justice at all! It peeves me, actually.
I once saw a romance with a cover on which the hero was standing on a rocky promontory in Scotland, with a fierce wind whipping his long hair around … wearing boots and a mini-kilt. He was holding a sword … which really, isn’t going to keep you warm. He was wearing boots, so it wasn’t totally impractical.
Is she secretly pregnant in an alternate reality/different book? Or in this book? It would go along with the odd look on her face. Or maybe she’s trying to figure out whether the hero is swooning from the cold or just looking down her dress.
This post reminds me, I need to stock up on Kleenex and cold medicine soon.
THANK YOU, in the most heartfelt manner, for this. Hooting out loud at the crazyridiculous I find on the internet is a nice contrast to the other day when I winced and cowered from that crazy K. Hale thing.
Sarah. – yes, a duel, no capes and the kilts one size too small.
I want Jennifer Wilde on my Kindle. OMG, do I want Jennifer Wilde on my Kindle.
Once More, Miranda, please?
[Just putting this out there in the wild in case somebody with Wilde-estate connections can make it so.]
gotta love the covers
The moment I saw the title Cover Snark: Winter Weather Inappropriate I knew The Devil In Winter would be mentioned. I love that book but the cover just makes me think hypothermia when I see it
Ahahaha, this was awesome!
@RHG, Now I want to know how to winterize your abs.
And that first guy is clearly disapproving of the heroine still wearing white after Labor Day. Apparently neither of them expected the weather to turn this early.
The first guy looks like he’s suffering from an acute attack of narcolepsy. Or is it he lapsing into unconsciousness due to hypothermia? None of these people look like they’ve been outside for more than 30 seconds—where are the rosy cheeks? And really, I just don’t get the romantic allure of the cold outdoors. Why is not one nose at least bright red, much less dripping? If you’ve ever made out outdoors at less than 32F, you know of whence I speak (write).
That kilt on the cover of “Loved by a warrior” I had that kilt (well, skirt) in about the second grade. I wondered what happened to it.
Shouldn’t a book called FOREVER IN YOUR EMBRACE show some sort of embrace on the cover? Maybe the title got shortened from FOREVER IN YOUR EMBRACE (EXCEPT OCCASIONALLY, LIKE NOW…)
It looks like all of the people on these covers are leaving a fetish club in Aspen while high on ecstasy. We’ve had cases here in Wisconsin of winter ravers feeling overheated from E and taking their clothes off before passing out and dying of hypothermia.
@Sarah, I would love to see that duel. Is there someone in the bitchery with the computer animation skills (or old-school paper cut-out animation skills) to make that happen?
Nooooooooooooooooooo, that ain’ Sebastian AT ALL! Don’t mess with St Vincent!
Favorite cover snark post EVER! I have been calling it to mind all day long.
Great cover snark post! Thank you, ladies.
Like Jace, I, too, read Devil in Winter in digital, so I missed the stepback. Usually, I’m pretty ticked to not get all the artwork, but I think I’m glad in this one instance. In addition to the overall silliness of the setting/pose, that bland red-handed guy is simply not how I envisioned the awesomeness that is Sebastian.
And, yep, someone needs to get Jennifer Wilde’s backlist digitized. I’d read some old skool wtfery like that in a minute. The amount of blue eyeshadow is indicative of the greatness within.
There is some awkward photoshop happening on the cover of Sinfully Ever After. Either that, or the guy is suffering from a serious thyroid problem. His lymph nodes are bulging and his clavicle is deep enough to hide a McGuffin jewel in. I bet that flesh tone used to be a weather appropriate ascot before someone decided the inspirational cover needed just a hint of mantitty.