Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

The swooney-babe from the first cover has had her nipple sanded off.  There is a large triangular pink patch were it should have been.  That must have hurt.  Maybe that’s why she’s unconscious and the guy is holding her up by clenching her upper arm in his armpit. 

Thanks for the mid-morning giggles.

MY EYES!!!  *rushes to bathroom*

In that last cover the woman looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones! XD am I the only thinking that?

Just wanted to say: Flora Speer?  FLORA.  SPEER.  That’s gotta be the most romance-novely romance novel writer name I have ever heard.  Her dewy flora awaited the thrust of his ready speer…
I really think that’s awesome.

I’m curious as to what happened to the bottom of guy #3’s legs? They seem to stop at the knee while hers dress goes all the way to the bottom edge of the cover.

That Back to the Ranch dude looks like he’s related Rio, of tiny-head and big-upper-body fame. Who knew that was a type?

I, too, want to explore “new worlds of love.”

Hmmm…where’d her nipple go? Is this a cannibal story?

Yes yes she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones on eye shadow steroids.
Picture number two am sure they were referring to the girl when they said Cowboy - has to be
thanx 4 d laughs my toddler thought I had lost it

Cover 1: Where are Venus’s nipples?

Cover 2 is giving me Village People flashbacks. “Y-M-C-A!” (Sing it with me, now!)

Cover 3: Could this book cover have been the inspiration for Tom Petty’s “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” music video?  The cover pose reminds me of the scene in the video where Tom is dancing with Kim Basinger. Who is dead.

Not so much vixen as corpse shot through a lens generously smeared with Vaseline to hide the fact that she’s, y’know, taxidermied. But “My Lady Rigor Mortis” just wouldn’t sell as many copies.

I can’t decide whether it’s Romance’s Weekend At Bernie’s or the first zombie love story.

In that last cover the woman looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones! XD am I the only thinking that?

I was thinking Whats-her-name Fox in a few years. What is her name? The one who was in Jennifer’s Body. Megan! Megan Fox in a few years.

The gal on the cowboy cover does have rather manly brows, but one could argue that Mariel Hemingway has the same eyebrows and is female. Men in drag seem to prefer a thinner brow, but she is wearing chaps ... so ... who knows ...

I heart the second cover so much. It is definitely a closeted M/M romance. The Fringed Avenger looks very disappointed & resigned to the fact that he got a pony tail munchkin instead of be-ribbed Rio.

Why *is* he in fringe, though? Seriously.

Arethusa said what I wanted to say. Right down to the fringe. I would paper my office with this cover!

XXX,
Alison

#1 from her facial expression, his hand was just somewhere else; or she’s really easy to please

#2 he’s not wearing enough to be a fancy dancer (he’d need more feathers, and some kind of headdress, and more sparkly bits) but he’s wearing too much for almost any other type of dancer (says the almost powwow illiterate woman)

#3 ahh! they wrote a historical version of the Mannequin movies!

I REMEMBER that Vixen!  Back in the day, my mother owned a craft store.  She employed lots of ladies.  Said ladies often brought in their finished books and left them in a box in the back room for the others to read. 
The My Lady Vixen was absolutely one of the box books.  Alas, I did not read it, but there are some covers you don’t forget.

I sure hope those are ass-less chaps.

spam word:  service28.  The Venuses, Cowboys, and Vixens are about to be serviced 28 times.

You made my day!

Holy Narcoleptic Heroines, Batman!
#3 in particular, just looks pissed off at having her nap interrupted by Mr. Shirtless Mullet Guy.  And is it just me, or is there something seriously wrong with that cowgirl’s neck?!

The Vixen has obviously had a little too much rohypnol at the marina costume party and that nice Mr. Mullet from the houseboat next door is trying to get her home, except her anachronistic Jimmy Choos got caught in her hem and she’s walking her dress off instead . . . It’s all perfectly innocent, officer, I swear!

I have to say that the cowboy looks pretty embarrassed to be wearing that getup, too . . .

I’m curious as to what happened to the bottom of guy #3’s legs? They seem to stop at the knee while hers dress goes all the way to the bottom edge of the cover.

Hhmm… I think this is an optical illusion.  MyLordVixen is knee-deep in the sea (the clue is there for all to see in the shape of the ship, stage right), whilst MyLadyVixen is still on the beach.  The Artist seems to have been undecided - whether to portray a paddling MyLordVixen OR to portray him groping and disrobing a swooning MyLadyVixen?  Obviously it would have been more politically correct to have had him paddling - unless My Lady Vixen had given written consent for the other, prior to the act.

from72 - well, that explains it

Love me some cover snark! Thanks ladies for the bright spot in my morning. (And no, that’s nothing like the wet spot in the bed.)

It’s so pink and so ruffly and so anatomically improbable.
It’s like I’m in my grandma’s reading room again and I’m 13.

Elyse

Cover #2 guy looks like some unholy cross between Elvis Presley, Dean Martin, and a professional body builder about to pick up some tomboyish jailbait.

Yeah.. I saw PENIS Rising, not VENUS.

Same diff, right?

The cover of book one was simply indicating that her Glittery Hooha was so magical that it started to emit fairy-bubbles with a good fairy in each one. Considering the hero seems to be sporting a mullet, she’ll need every fairy she’s got.

I think that book 2 was actually part of the elusive “to be a hag” series. That is clearly a gay man advising his hag on how she can also find, entice & kiss a cowboy, just like he did at the Wild West themed gay bar the night before.

The hero has blush on his manly cheekbones ... considering the makeup they must be pirates aboard the good ship Mary Kay, and they pillage exclusively along the Avon River, in England.

Venus Rising… Are they talking about her clit? Is it mutant-sized and mullet dude doesn’t know it? O_O

#2 man looks like Jack Lord…....but oh, am I dating myself by saying that.

Hero #3 looks like he could be Patrick Swayze’s brother.  And yes, the heroine looks like Catherine Zeta Jones playing the corpse.  I guess I missed the necrophilia romance sub-genre of romance novels.  It must have been the predecessor to the zombie romances we are getting now.
Spamword reading75, and yes I will be reading when I am 75 (and hopefully beyond).

Bwa~ Oh hurrah, vintage cover-snark on my birthday! ?

It looks like that building in the first can’t quite decide what era it wants to be in, other than Ridiculous. Kind of like her “dress”.

I am wiping tears off my face due to laughing so hard. Every time I try to stop, and start cracking up again.  People are staring to point and stare.

The second cover did make me cry with laughter!  I <3 cover snark.

I was laughing so hard my kids wanted to know why.  I told them I simply could NOT explain.  Love the snarky brilliance!

Well, I tried to share these very…erm…special covers with my Facebook friends, only to have the link give me another article entirely!  So I did a test run, and sure enough, the same article is masquerading as, well, all of them.  Help!  Call the tech guy in! (ps - is he hot?)

The hero has blush on his manly cheekbones ... considering the makeup they must be pirates aboard the good ship Mary Kay, and they pillage exclusively along the Avon River, in England.

Oh, that one got me! I was also thinking he had blush on his cheeks, but maybe the makeup was rubbed off the Vixen while he was canoodling the corpse.

Cover #2: judging by the look on his face and the direction of his gaze, he’s so disapproving that her chaps don’t have more, longer fringe. Girlfriend, what were you thinking?

Somewhere, someone worked very hard on these covers, and was paid very little…

Cover #1: The nipple-less boobies, the eerie (in many ways) bubbles and the unnaturally colored foliage can mean only one thing: ALIEN LIFE FORMS! Probably from Planet Mulletopia judging from the man’s hair.

Cover #2: Someone from a cover band of the Village People has lost is way to the the next gig at the Rock Falls Diner and has stopped to get directions from a friendly local.

Cover #3: Sleep shtuping.  Theoretically more fun that mere sleep walking, but you still don’t remember it.

I’m curious as to what happened to the bottom of guy #3’s legs? They seem to stop at the knee while hers dress goes all the way to the bottom edge of the cover.

I think the carnivorous pastel flowers chewed them off.  See, the meat-noshing orchids had their earlier victim stuffed as a decoy, and when humpy boy started to poke around the back of her skirts, the flowers decided he was only fit for backdoor blossom eating….

Also, how do we know that guy #2 isn’t Lord Mucky-Muck, the world renowned Morris dancer, doing a cultural exchange tour of the west?  Finding the temps at high altitudes cooler than expected, he’s trying to bargain the red head out of her old chaps.

Seriously, is it just me, or does the guy on Cover #3 look like Karl Urban with a mullet?

I REMEMBER COVER #2!!  One of the first books I stole off my mom’s hidden bookshelf back in the day… plot not memorable.  Except, for those that are curious, the dude on the right was the cowboy, and also Native American.  I feel like she inherits the ranch he works on, or something, and after much bitterness he takes her to a pow wow and seduces the chaps off her.  Ain’t that how it always goes, though?

I’m still staring at cover #1 and trying to decide whether her left arm is really coming straight out of her left breast.

Is it just me or are Venus and Vixen the same man? Or is the mullet just confusing me with it’s awesomeness?

I think cover 2 is really a clever before-it’s-time commentary on gender roles…

@Morwen, I think you’re on to something.  I think they just might be the same guy!

I think the carnivorous pastel flowers chewed them off.

LOL!! They also got the nipples off the chick on the first book.

and after much bitterness he takes her to a pow wow and seduces the chaps off her

So she’s just his snag? Kind of a letdown but,

Ain’t that how it always goes, though?
Usually. He’s obviously from the Chippendale tribe.

Were the artists apprentices of Robert Kincaid? if I am remembering his name correctly? He’s the painter who does the irridescent landscapes and such. Not a favorite of mine.

Nope! Nope! Sorry! It’s Thomas Kincaid I’m thinking of!

@sweetsiouxsie

That would be *Thomas* Kincaid, and now that you mention it . . .

Whatever happened to Honor anyway?

Cover #3 shows the set up for the plot in plenty of detail.  We can see from the angle of the masts on that ship that it is tilted to the side, and has obviously run aground.  We even know precisely where, because that’s a the Rock of Gibraltar, looking at it from the east, on the left-hand side.  They are both blushing and have their eyes closed, so this is a “stranded gentleman came upon stranded lady unexpectedly while she was partially undressed” scenario, and he is gallantly trying to stop her dress from falling off. 

I’m convinced that it’s a several-generations-earlier prequel to Jane Austen’s Persuasion, with the ancestors of Captain Wentworth and Anne Elliot.

No, really.

I rescued a beat up copy of My Lady Vixen from a dusty tourist shop in Aswan, Egypt in December 2004.  I then asked Connie Mason to sign it at RT/Daytona in 2006!

#2 man looks like Jack Lord…....but oh, am I dating myself by saying that.

Well, I was going to say Johnny Weissmuller, which would date me even older than you, except I grew up watching old Tarzan movies on Saturday afternoon tv.  Or Patrick Warburton.  I think the girl looks like Hilary Swank, though.

OMFG! These are hysterical and so sad at the same time.

Cover #1 - What is up with the guy’s hand? His pinkie and thumb are the same size.

Cover #2 - No self-respecting indian would be caught dead in that get-up! Besides how would you sneak up on something/someone with bells around your knees? And her sweater-y top thingy totally clashes with her chaps. Maybe the gay dude playing dress up next to her can give her some fashion advice?

Cover #3 - Did anyone notice the orchids on the cover? Is that some kind of subliminal message trick since they look like ... well, you know, lady parts. And what is up with that line across her eyelids?

I’ve been looking and looking at #1.  Both her legs are in front of her, one crossed over the other.  If that’s his right leg on the little wall, then she’s sitting on . . .oh noes! If what they say is true about the correlation between thumb size and man parts, no wonder her nipples fell off.

#2:  The guy does look like a pow wow dancer taking a break. I wonder how he manages not to have headdress hair, though, but the costume looks a lot like what I see in Tucson during pow wow.  The bells are for dancing, not sneaking. He looks like a Yaqui suited up for the deer dance without the horns.

I checked Amazon to see whether it mentions the setting - not too many feathers in desert southwest garb.  Found out the hero’s name is - Dusty Dare! That’s Anna on the left, and the other ranch hands are Hunky (!), Ben, and Flint.

How can I be the only person who sees a mullett in #1? And what’s with the floating orb?

Thanks for posting these!

ps: my spam word is “larger17.” I’ll let you ladies make your own jokes.

Yeah, that’s not a cowboy. The attempt at Native American clothing does not say “This is a cowboy!” to anyone. Now, if he was wearing a hat—or if the title was “Dare to Kiss a Cowgirl”—it might have worked. Though they would’ve been better off just making it a gay cowboy romance anyway.

I’m emailing this link to the 4 Poufs & a Piano fan club -
if they don’t go for cover 2 as new stage costumes,they’re not the boys I think they are !. (Also—I’ve still got my copy of Venus Rising. AND all the rest of my hidden stash of Flora Speer guilty pleasure 80’s romances !!!)

Usually. He’s obviously from the Chippendale tribe

......Is that because of his bow- fronted chest, &  his wooden legs ???? -

#2 is a cowboy?!!? I have never seen a cowboy in a semi utilikilt with Roman armband accessories!

Omg ROFL I just love your cover takes!

The last one sorta looks like he is performing the Heimlich Maneuver to me?

OMG. Dusty Dare???

#1 “ooh please, let me scratch that itch on your wool pants, ooh yeah, right there, ahhhhhhhh” “madame, you really should keep out of the poison ivy.”

#2 Is that a slinky on his right arm? And is he wearing a towel? And isn’t it wonderful how the color ochre is not just for mustard anymore? They really ought to get away from the whomping willow before it pounds them, too!

#3 I think that woman might be Charisma Carpenter, you know, Cordelia from Buffy? I think he’s blushing from having his zipper caught in her corset stays. (yes, I know zippers hadn’t been invented yet!)