Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Wow.  Is that Elizabeth Wakefield on that first cover?

Amazing hat levitation powers in that second one.

The first cover model looks more like Kim Cattrell to me!

And the dude in the first cover is John Black from Days of Our Lives.  Obviously during his amnesia era, since he’s lusting after Disco Barbie instead of Marlena. 

Second cover, I’ve read that book, and never did I imagine the hero as a scrawny balding dude in a ridiculous shirt.  I’ll never be able to read it again.

Third cover, wasn’t Joe a Navy SEAL?  Well, that hair is a really, really, good disguise.

In defense of the last cover - Joe IS a Navy SEAL, as asked above with regulation-short hair. But he gets extensions during the book to disguise himself as the real prince, who is a bit of a twat. The book doesn’t SAY that the prince has a mullet, but it would totally be in keeping with his character. So I actually think this cover is pretty accurate.

In Suzanne Brockmann’s defense over the last one…the hair is extensions.  Joe is a Navy Seal impersonating a prince to lure out terrorists…and the prince is kinda a douche…which further explains the hair.  It is, however, a freaking awesome book and should be read by everyone

The first cover makes me want to watch Grease, and thanks to Sarah’s comment, also Guys and Dolls…the Real Dolls documentary, not the musical.

The second cover makes me want to invent a pill that’ll cure the blonde’s matrini-goggles.

The third one makes sense now that I know he’s a Navy SEAL, as I was wondering why Joe’s princess-to-be seems to be wearing a bathing suit.

LOL OMG you guys made my morning, I was just discussing the importance of good covers with someone and I am totally linking to this article. Gotta love the old windswept Ken doll hair on the last one, or the surprised look on the girls face. I always wondered where the trend started with facelifts that made women look perpetually shocked, I see now that it always leads back to the romance novels.  And I love the porn ‘stache its too classic for words.

Alix
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OMG OMG OMG!

SEAL with hair extensions?!?! *spews tea all over screen*

With book #2, I swear I see T-Bag (with longer hair) from “Prison Break” in that guy. And how totally non-romantic is that?!?

What a giggly way to start the day. Thanks.

What will we do for laughs if e-books replace paperbacks?  I hope they come out with color screen e-readers if only for the cover art.

Top cover, I think she’s checking out someone else off in the distance.

And I have a disco ball in my bedroom.

Ah, I love the older covers.
I have some of Roberta Leigh’s books from the 50s and the covers are awesome and so pretty.

@Nadia, pish, forget Days of Our Lives that is clearly an early career, and obviously broke Clive Owen. Who appears to be about to detach his jaw and swallow that woman’s face whole.

*THAT’S* the original cover to Manhunting?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?  She supposed walked out of a lake buck naked to that mullet/stache combo?  Uh, no.  Unless that guy is supposed to be one of the dozen or so guys she bumps off during the book….

I remember many eons ago borrowing Manhunting from a friend.  I just couldn’t make it past the porn ‘stache cover.  Prince Joe, however, was excellent.  Even with hair extensions.

I read all of those books, with those covers, and loved them.  I don’t pay much attention to covers, otherwise I would have never be able to read romance.

Too funny…I think I just snorted my coffee because of your cover comments.

Please tell me you meant red satin sheets, Sarah. Otherwise…shudder.

Isn’t there a character named Spider in Scruples?  Not that I’m remembering from the book.  I’m remembering from the TV miniseries with scary-skinny Lindsay Wagner as the main heroine, fetal-young Kim Cattrall, and Barry Bostwick as blond uber-stud Spider.  I think I saw it on WE tv years ago when it was Romance Classics.

Sarah said:

She couldn’t stop dreaming of red stain sheets and a handsome desperado named Spider…

Wow, this couple must really love riding the tide.  (Best typo evah.)

Don’t judge a book by its cover, folks - “Prince Joe” rocks.  The cover of the 2002 reprint was a vast improvement.

The guy on manhunting looks like Victor from Young and the Restless in his younger days. Not that I’m old enough to know personally

Lincoln Literature Examiner
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BTW - If you want more 80s WTFery there’s a video dating thingie over on Once Upon A Win.

http://onceuponawin.com/2010/01/11/win-pics-monday-wtf-80s-video-dating-montage/

I just want to know now what the women’s videos were like.

I think the 2nd & 3rd examples should serve as encouragement for current authors who get less than stellar covers. Those are both really bad and they obviously didn’t kill Crusie and Brockmann’s careers.

Although as others have pointed out the Prince Joe cover is pretty much true to the book. Joe the SEAL is a great guy. The prince he’s subbing for is a complete tool. The book didn’t say he had a mullet, but he was definitely the type.

I have yet to find another site where I look forward with such relish to the comment section as much as the original post!  You all are a riot.

I just scared the dogs when I burst out laughing at red stain sheets…

OMG!!! Numbers 1 and 3 are on my Keeper shelf.  I got rid of basically all of my series romances from high school but could NOT bear to part with number 1 and number 2 is a keeper also.  Nostalic books I could read again in about 2 minutes.

:-), but yes the covers are horrible.

thank you thank you thank you!  best time waster of the day.  so glad i found out that my class doesn’t start until 2:30, so i had the time to check the site out before leaving.

BTW, the guy on the Manhunting cover kind of looks like the way my uncle did in the late 80’s and early 90’s, which is really scary and makes me wonder what about his looks attracted my aunt.

@JaimeSings That last guy on the video reminds me of Sammy from The Wedding Singer.  I was waiting for him to say that he was a limo driver.  I wonder if Adam Sandler asked his permission to use him as the model for the character when he wrote the movie.  I also wonder if this guy has seen it or the musical (although he doesn’t seem the type does he?) and saw himself in Sammy?

What a hoot!  And Step into My Parlor wasn’t my worst cover.  I never did figure out what the disco balls had to do with the story, and the guy with Barbie looked like Fonzie at a high school prom.  (Hero was an ex-pro football player who owned a pawn shop in Houston, and the heroine was a D.C. socialite who hid out there while on the run from bad guys.)  The Italian edition had a much better cover.

I feel like the woman in the second cover should be exclaiming “I got him!” in a disturbingly perky voice.

@Nadia - YES! That first guy is SOOOOOO John Black. The second guy looks like a soap star, too, but I can’t think of his name. He was/is in a soap I never watched but caught commercials of. He was a villain and foreign. Somebody HABO out with who I’m thinking of.

And the third one? A SEAL with extensions is just wrong on so many levels. I hope they were secured well! Can you imagine running your fingers through that mullet and it comes off in your hands? *bwahahaha*

Re: the inflatable doll cover (first one)...  I have an unending crush on musician/comic Tim Minchin.  If you want to LYAO, catch his “Inflatable You” on YouTube.  Mildly NSFW - unless your job is making sex dolls, of course. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6raVzrbqrM

Bonus Minchin:  “White Wine in the Sun,” the definitive atheist Christmas song.  I DARE you not to tear up.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCNvZqpa-7Q

Hey, isn’t that Eric Braedon’s face ‘shopped onto cover 2?

PS—sorry, that’s Eric Braeden, not Braedon…

Ah yes, Prince Joe. Prince of what, you ask? Mulletshire, obviously. In the region of Feathering Blowdryer, kingdom of Northwest Mousse.

That’s too funny.

I’m loving the the second cover, they look like they are about to crack up laughing.

I also think it looks like a young Eric Braedon.

I can’t believe I didn’t catch the cover copy on that first one:

She couldn’t stop dreaming of red stain sheets and a handsome desperado named Spider…

It’s the only thing that made the title make sense. Ugh.

Since I’ve read Manhunting and Prince Joe and loved them both, I think I have to try Jan Hudson.

Clearly, Diane who hoards bad-covers reads books I like.

Diane - did you buy these new? Or did you know that they were probably OK and just ignore how bad the covers were? My copy of Manhunting is preppy pastel wallpaper and Prince Joe is part of the Tall, Dark and Dangerous bundle #1 - I haven’t noticed the cover, I e-skip to the actual story.

How bad does a cover have to be before you can’t buy a book you are sure you want to read? My Mom said she used to rip the front covers off of her Georgettes when they were particularly embarrassing (she was a hippie, not supposed to read romance). I don’t think I could mutilate a book like that. But maybe if it had that mustache - eiwww. Moodkiller.

@Tamara Hogan. Remaining off topic, I looove Tim Minchin. Thanks for the link to “White Wine in the Sun”. I have just come back from a trip back to Australia and am feeling a bit homesick.

One of my husband and my favourites is “Storm”:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UB_htqDCP-s

The guy on cover 2 isn’t Victor from Y&R, that’s totally Tom Selleck.

ROFLYSST
(- thanks to comedian Bill Bailey - Rolling On Floor Laughing, Yet Somehow Still Typing)

That’s some magic vintage cover art. Too good!

OMG these covers are amazing…I want to read them all now! My favourite is the third cover but I especially love the caption You can dress him up, but…! heh you can dress him up but what?
You can dress him up, but..

1. ... he’ll still have a terrible mullet!
2. ... he’s still spray tanned to within an inch of his life!
3. ... he will always be the guy with hair extensions!

Oh picking on Prince Joe, when there was a much worse cover for a later book in the series. Need I remind every one of the pillsbury doughboy, “Get Lucky” ? Here is the write up from Suzanne’s website. (the reprint cover is much nicer)

http://www.suzannebrockmann.com/Lucky_Cover.htm

Here is the write up from Suzanne’s website.

I managed to get all the way through the cover snark and the comments without laughing out loud—until I saw the cover and read Brockman’s write up.  I absolutely LOVE that she was sending out little smiley stickers to cover the guy’s face!

Number two is so NOT my Tom.

Tom Selleck was on the Dating Game, back in the day, and was never selected as the lucky bachelor.

spamword: and 55.  Would this system get it right?  I’m not 55!!

@ocelott: yup, looks just like ol’ Liz! Obviously going through one of her phases where she tried to be Daring and Spontaneous, by hanging out with guys in leather jackets.

~~Since I’ve read Manhunting and Prince Joe and loved them both, I think I have to try Jan Hudson.

Clearly, Diane who hoards bad-covers reads books I like.

Diane - did you buy these new? Or did you know that they were probably OK and just ignore how bad the covers were? My copy of Manhunting is preppy pastel wallpaper and Prince Joe is part of the Tall, Dark and Dangerous bundle #1 - I haven’t noticed the cover, I e-skip to the actual story. ~~

HOTW,

I don’t hoard books for bad covers. I hardly ever notice the covers – or ridiculous random-word-generated Presents titles, for that matter.  I first pick them up based on the author, and usually hoard them for the good stories inside. :o)  There are some exceptions where I keep a book just for the cover (tho that usually is not an indictment of the book at all – just that I never got around to reading it, but liked the cover).  For example, I kept a copy of the three armed lady even tho at that point in life I didn’t read historicals because hey… it’s a three armed lady. LOL   I’m just old enough to have read them when they first came out, rather than as reprints. :oP While it’s embarrassing to admit, most of those over-the-top 80s covers didn’t seem as ridiculous and hideous then as they are today.  It’s embarrassing, but hard to deny that EVERYONE looked ridiculous in the 80s. LOLOL

Welcome to My Parlour stayed on my shelves for a long time, more out of sentiment than any true love for the story (sorry Jan!), tho it was over-the-top enough to be fun in a campy way. The dude is a dead ringer for my high school crush. I thought the cover would appeal to Sarah and the Bitchery. As I recall, the disco balls could kindasorta, if you’re open minded, fit into the tale because Spider took her to a disco one night while she was hiding out.  And naturally, because when one thinks of Texas, one immediately thinks of disco.  ;oP

As to your question, I don’t remember, but it’s a safe guess that I bought the books new for my personal stash, and the ones I sent off to Sarah came from the boxes of spares in the garage.  Back when it was still relatively new and lucrative, I used to go ‘booking’ and troll all the UBSs and thrift stores for coveted books and sell them on eBay. I no longer do that, but still have several cases of boxes in the garage.  I got rid of most of them over the years, but the ones that are personal favorites or highly collectible, I kept.

I used to LOVE categories. Still do, tho I often prefer the older ones to some of the newer ones.  I have no idea what the stats are, but a large percentage of books in circulation now by The Big Gun authors (Nora, Evanovich, Brockmann, Howard, Johansen, Lowell, Crusie, Greene, etc), all started out as lowly Harlequin or Silhouette category romances.  Barbara Mandrell used to sing a song about how she was country when country wasn’t cool.  That’s kindof the feeling I get every time I hear someone raving about a wonderful new book they ‘just read’ by So and So… and it turns out to be a reprint of an old Harley.  Here they are, spending $20 or more on a hardback reprint of a story that I paid maybe $1.25 for 20 years ago – and have had 20 years of pleasure in re-reads.  I often wonder how horrified they are when/if they find the book they were reading and raving about is a category romance.  I’m not talking about the people who are just now finding out about a new-to-them author, mind, but the ‘elitists’ who always disparaged my choice of reading material as being too pedestrian or somehow ‘less’ because it came out in category form.  How sad that they have missed out on so many wonderful reads.

Reading everyone’s comments, I also was thinking about Lucky’s story, and SB’s solution to that truly frightful cover. LOL I’m glad someone re-posted it.

Diane :o)

I don’t know if I could have enjoyed Manhunting like I did if I’d had that mustached image in my head.  Yikes!

The Suzanne Brockmann fix of her Get Lucky is awesome!

The Manhunting one, was obviously done in the days before Photoshop because she actually has a real arm. She might could even work up a good batwing jiggle if she worked at it.
The men and their hair, being from the south, those fellas still are seen in walmart and auto zone!

Cover #1: WAIT, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that Jem?

It’s a slightly more Jerrica haircut than not, and the belt is all wrong, but that’s a Jem dress. I’m sure of it.

Bonus Minchin:  “White Wine in the Sun,” the definitive atheist Christmas song.  I DARE you not to tear up.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCNvZqpa-7Q

Thank you. I wish I had known about this in time to get my purchase to count towards autism research (December) but I love it!!!!  It is my new favorite Christmas song if only for the line “they have good chords but the lyrics are dodgy” about church music. My feelings exactly!

Cover #1: WAIT, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that Jem?

It’s a slightly more Jerrica haircut than not, and the belt is all wrong, but that’s a Jem dress. I’m sure of it

I thought the same thing.

Dean Koontz. The guy on the Manhunting cover looks like Koontz before he shaved off the ‘stache and joined Hair Club for Men.

http://www.qnet.com/~raven/koontz.jpg

Whee, it’s a Candy sighting. Hi Candy! *waves*

Amazing snark, as ever.  I must somehow get a copy of the All My Children romance, because that totally has to be Phil Brent and Tara Martin, the first soap love story to suck my soul.

omigod, my friend turned me onto this website and now i’m sitting in the kitchen at 2 am stuffing my robe in my mouth so that i don’t wake up the parrots with insane laughter…

its my birthday today, this is a GREAT way to start it!

Manhunting was reissued with a more chick-lit type cover (I think it was a pair of boxers on a fishing hook) so don’t be afraid to order it!

SonomaLass said: I must somehow get a copy of the All My Children romance, because that totally has to be Phil Brent and Tara Martin, the first soap love story to suck my soul.

Chapter One Excerpt: “Everyone should be so lucky,” Tara said. She averted her head as her eyes misted over.
    But Phil could always tell when she was upset. “Hey, I’m sorry.” He dropped to his knee and took her hand between his. “I didn’t mean—”
    “It’s all right,” she said, turning back to him as she blinked back her tears. “It’s just that sometimes I miss my mom so badly.”
    Phil felt like an absolute jerk. He knew that Tara was sensitive about her mother’s death, and here he was, rambling on about his wonderful Aunt Amy being a second mother to him. “Look, have you talked to your dad about it?”
    “How can I?” Tara shook her head. “Dad misses her too, and Jeff…well, most of the time he’s wrapped up in medical school, but I can tell he misses Mom. Thank goodness we have Gran.”
    “But it’s not the same.” Phil lifted her chin with one finger and looked into her clear blue eyes. Her cheeks were red from the cold, and freckles, lingering from last summer, still dusted her nose.

Let the bidding begin… :-)

If only i could unsee the Louisana shaped sideburn on cover #3 :/  I can’t decide if the fact that it also looks like a small handgun make it better or worse…

Regarding cover #3, I’m sad that the Prince Joe title has covered up whatever bling he is wearing around his neck.  That gold chain looks promising.