Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

How about The Seizing of the Sneezweed?
The Calling of the Cockscomb?
The Siren Song of Sweet Peas?
Or my favorite, The Mugwort Conundrum.

The Inveiglement of the Ixia (Alliterates better than “African Corn Lily”)
The Snare of the Venus Fly Trap
The Bating of the Baby’s Breath
The Scent of the Golden Shower Orchid

The Inhaling of the Smoked Weed
The Hallucinations from the Nightshade
The Delirium of the Thorn Apple

The Washing of the Bottlebrush
The Deflation of the Balloon Flower
The Depths of the Blue Throatwort

The Rapture of the Fleshy Clapdaisy
The Temptation of the Bulbous Yam
The Treachery of the Hairy Crabweed

The Ringing of the Canterbury Bells
The Rise of the Feverfew
The Deflowering of the Flowering Cherry
The Coming Out of the Gay Feather

The Gilding of the Golden Rod
The Watering of the Golden Shower Orchid
The Insertion of the Red-Hot Poker
The Scratching of the Scabious

The Unveiling of the Snake Head
The Unsheathing of the Sword Lily
The Prick of the Thistle
The Snapping of the Turtle Head

The Rancid Rantings of a Recalcitrant Rafflesia
The Many Musings of a Moon Blossom
Daring Deeds of the Devious Daffodil
Wonderous Wanderings of the Wilting Wisteria
Summer Sonnets of the Shimmering Sunflower

Opulent Orations from the Ornery Orchids
Tempting the Tumultuous Tiger Lily
The Vigor of the Vain Verbascum
The Mansions of the Motioning Morning Glory.
The Naughty Notions of a Nemophilia

The Dew on The Stamen (The cover is one little bead of milky dew on the tip of a flower.)

The Temptation of the Tulips.

The Contagion of the Clematis.

The Allure of My Butterfly Bush

The Pollination of My Rosebud

The Breaching of My Fairy Ring

The Irritating Recurrence of the Dandelion

The Overhead Compartment of the Carrion Flower

The Proud Display of the Morning Glory

The Dark Designs of the White Gardenia

The Shadowy Motives of the Sunflower.

The Deflowering of the Dainty Daffodil
The Fornication of the French Marigold
Mayhem and Mishap at the Core of the Musk Rose

The Brooding Ennui of the Zinnia

The Frayed Instep of the Lady’s Slipper

The Irritability of the Pitcher Plant

The Shrimping of the Lady’s Slipper

The Cliche of a Dozen Roses

The Demasculinization by a Venus Fly Trap

The Raging of the Ragweed

The Curdling of the Crysathemum

The Fopping of the Pansy

The Sowing of the Wild Oats

The Discord of the Broom Rape

The Incompetence of the Bladder Senna

The Conundrum of the Touch-me-not

The Waxing Poetic of the Hair Moss

The Prohibition of the Chasteberry

The Quandary of the Virgin’s Bower

The Naïveté of the Narcissus

The Taming of the Enchanter’s Nightshade

The Reticence of the Wallflower

The Alliteration of the Asian Alocasia amazonica

The Basting of the Bella Donna

The Poisonous Passion of Amanita Phalloides

The Rape of the Rapeseed
The Knotty Problem of the Knotweed
The Bier of the Hops
The Call of the Kudzu
The Flatulence of the Windflower
The Universe of the Cosmos
The One-Two Punch of the Knockout Rose
The Sheep in the Phlox
(I’ll think of more once I’ve had my coffee)

The Lingering Touch of the Poison Ivy
The Revenge of the Black Eyed Susan
The Addlement of the Edelweiss
The Defrocking of the Monkshood
The Amnesia of the Forget Me Not
The Removal of the Slipper Wort
The Aroma of the Titan Arum

That’s as good as you’re getting this early in the morning. Whew!

The Mane of the Dandelion

The Miasmatic Meal of the Venus Fly Trap

Ouch, this is hard!

I pulled out my guide to the Language of Victorian Flowers and here we go (using meaning and flower in each title):

The Promise of the Little Prune Tree

The Calla Lily’s Magnificent Beauty

The Grace of Yellow Jasmine

Humility for Broom

The Friendship of Geranium

The Dangerous Pleasure of Tuberose

Ophrys Fly’s Big Mistake

The Innocence of Freesia

The Rapacity of the Crimson Callistemon
The Versatile Tedium of the Rose
The Insalubrious Emanation of the Skunk Cabbage
The Protuberence of the Amaryllis
The Exuberant Discharge of the Jewelweed
The Palpable Fleece of the Cattail
The Ambiguous Sapidity of the Hibiscus
The Conspicuous Boisterousness of the Nasturtium

Okay, I’m tapped out.

Chance35 - well whaddya know? My age exactly? What are the chances?

Popping the Batchelors Buttons

The stink of the sunflower.
Dahlia’s Daring Defecation.
In Ur Ass, Saving Ur Lilly. (The Smart Bitches Version).

The Saxophone of the Saxifrage
The Lascivious Lives of the Leopard Lily
The Downward Spiral of the Spirea
The Artless Art of the Artemisia
The Gallimaufry of the Gaillardia
The Wretched Retching of the Vetch
The Loose Morals of the Loostrife
Aid and Advice from the Edelweiss
Catching Flak from the Flax
Mulling Over the Mullein

The Clandestine Chronicle of Crotch-joy.

(Horticultural factoid: ‘crotch-joy’ is another colloquial name for what we call ‘robin-run-the-hedge’ in N. Ireland.)

I was just getting ready to leave for work and thought: As she stroked his love stamen, her own petals were moist with dew….I’ll probably be sitting at my desk with a silly grin all morning thinking horticulture-love.

I’ve read a couple of these books,so perhaps I may have an advantage here:

The Purloining of the Purple Rose

The Hamstringing of the Spotted Lady’s Slipper

The Ovulation of the White Oleander

The Furious Fumbling of the Foxglove

The Molesting of the Monkey flower(it’s a real flower,from Newcastle-upon-Tyne,I swear!)

The Cuckolding of the Cuckoo Flower

Then again,maybe my advantage is not as great as I presume:)

I’m not even going to attempt this! Way too many gigglesnort worthy entries as is.

My word? placed11 Nope. I would place far lower than 11th.

My contribution…

The Parting of the Lilly-of-the-Valley

Kiss of the Tulips (Tu-Lips)

The Secret Moisture of the Water-Lilly

The Reticence of the Ragweed

The Frustration of the Fuschia Fuschia

The Reluctance of the Snapdragon

The Scratching of the Fleabane

Snow on the Roof Iris

The Steaming of the Gas Plant

The Midnight Cutting of the Monkshood

The Clap of the Venus Fly Trap

The Wilting of the Kings Spear

The Wind of the Hog Bean*

The Disingenuousness of the Shamrock

The Homonym of the Sunflower

*I swear I’m not making that up, it’s another name for Henbane

Deflowering of the Delicate Daisy…
Mooning over the Marigold

The outing of the pansy
A whisper of baby’s breath
The mystery in the wisteria
The remembrance of forget-me-not
The pruning of the rose bush
The plucking of the rosebud
A rondeau of rose hips
The fortnight of love-lies-bleeding
The lure of the prince’s feather

The Undoing Queen Anne’s Lace

The Unnatural Curiosity of the Coneflower

The Secret Life of Jack-in-the-Pulpit

Ooh, ooh, the florist in me cometh forth with the weird flowers…

The Addiling Allure of the Antherium (that’s the big red, waxy,heart-shaped flower from Hawaii, with the prominent stamen…we called them penis plants at the shop)

The Lusty Lament of the Liatrus (that’s the funny looking long purple bottle brush looking flower you sometimes see in arrangements also called Gayfeather or Blazing Star)
http://www.extension.colostate.edu/4DMG/Flowers/Perenls/liatrus1.htm

The Prickly Proposal of the Pincushion Protea (have you ever seen those flowers that look like they come from another planet and have somehow been crossed genetically with a porcupine? That’s them.  Also known as…sugarbushes) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Protea

That should have been

The Undoing OF Queen Anne’s Lace…

The Happy Anthurium

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The titles are great so far!

The Alluring Augmentation of the Amorphophallus Titanum

Terror of the Terrifically Tawdry Theodore
The last Bastion of the Beastly Basques
The Dastardly Dreams of Demonic Denizens
The Secret and Shameless Shard of the Woman
The Closely Hidden Cold Sparks of Rebellion
The Lascivious Lamentations of the Libelous Libations
Braving the Brimming Bridge of the Mage
Enchanting the Elegant Elemental Sword

The Willing Restraint of the Ramping Fumitory
The I-Can’t-Believe-He-Never-Called Sheer Nerve of the Bastard Toadflax
The Suggestive Stroking of the Lady-of-The-Night
The Kids-Are-At-My-Mother’s Glee of the Go-To-Bed-At-Noon
The Unexpected Appearance of the Pinus Ponderosa
The Wonderous Waft of the Cheese Bush

Oh, I never do these things but I couldn’t resist!

The Web of the Spider Plant
The Lure of Venus’ Flytrap
or
The Waxen Indian Pipe (this one takes place in the Colonies)

The androgyny of the ananas nanas
The anonymity of the ananas comosus.

The Discovery of the Stink Rose
The Deflowering of the Red Orchid

The Cynicism of the Jaundiced Taraxacum, says I

Okay, one more and I’m done. Ready?

The Tiptoeing of the Tulips

*boo* *hiss*

The Disappointment of the Wormwood.

The Seduction of Betty Prior

(Betty Prior is a pink rose from the 1030’s)

Secretion of the Passion Flower

(Passiflora coccinea and yes they really do.)

Security word “Method69”  Lol

The Secret of the Stinkhorn Fungus

As a bonus, the scientific name of the Stinkhorn Fungus is Phallus Impudicus.

The Deflowering of the Tulipe Vierge.

The Spanking of the Amorphophallus Titanium
(real flower name that’s Latin for shapeless-penis huge) teehee!

The Lashing of the Devil’s Tongue
(another name for the lovely Amorphophallus Titanium)

The Prick of the Thistle

The Blowing of the Trumpet Flower

The Shackling of the Red Cockscomb

The Perplexity of the Apoplectic Peony

The Rumo(u)r of the Rancid Rosebud

The Traffic Ticket of the Terrific Tigerlily

The Irritation of the Imaginative Ivy

The Reproduction of the Redoubtable Rhododendron

The Halitosis of the Hanging Hydrangea

The Necrophilia of the Nervous Narcissus

OK, thought of some more:

The Ganglia of the Gleeful Gladiolus

The Deception of the Dastardly Daffodil (or Dandelion)

The Vengeance of the Vexing Violet

The License of the Lying Lilac

(I’m having office hours and I’m bored, can you tell?)

These are so great!  How will Ms. Willig possibly choose between traffic tickest & halitosis, androgyny & tiptoeing, etc. etc. etc.

In the face of so much creativity and with zero floral knowledge I can safely give up all hope and just be silly. I would dearly love to read a story entitled:

The Secret Pink History of the Black Masque which deceived the Emerald into Crimson Seduction by means of Nocturnal Temptation of a Generic Blade of Grass

Ya’ll are killing me. I’m not playing, but man am I amused. Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!

OK, just a few more:

The Passing of the Passiflora
The Serious Moonlight of the Night-Blooming Cereus
The Defrocking of Jack-In-The-Pulpit

The Adoration of the Almighty Aloe
The Wonderfulness of Wormwood
The Perfection of the Prickly Cactus

The Schadenfreude of the Narcissus
The Eruption of the Poison Sumac
The Lesion of the Leprous Lily
The Paradox of the Pussy-Willow

I love Lauren’s books and have been a fan since the Secret History of the Pink Carnation came out.  :) Yay!  February is shaping up to be a great month for reading.

Catching Up with the Mustard Seed
The Relishing of the Yellow Mustard

Oh this is the sort of game I can get into!  I love the other suggestions above!

The Corpulence of the Tuberrose
The Temulence of the Oregon Grape
The Turpitude of the Woody Nightshade
The Rashness of the Poison Oak

The Lure of the Stink Weed

BTW, love Willig’s series. I’m so happy to know she’s got a new one out.

The Depantsing of the African Moon
The Cramps of the Bleeding Heartwine aka Where the F is my Vicodin?
You Chrysanthemum, You Brought Him
The Torrent of the Golden Shower
The Wood of the Morning Glory

You know, I’m not sure stinkweed blossoms, so how about this:

The Paradox of the Pansy

Okay, last one:

The Infiltration of the Impatiens

The hanging of the witch hazel

The ringing of coral bells

The lighting of the torch lily

The mystery of the maltese cross

The dawn of Ozark sundrops

And YES these are all actual flowering plants.

The illegitimate tendencies of the Bastard Toadflax

“The Conundrum of the Cock-Like Crocus”
“The Vexation of the Vaginal Violet.”
The Vexing of the Virgin Violet
The Conundrum of the Concupiscent Calla-Lillies.”

Okay, here are my lame attempts…

Gingerly Following the Dastardly Deeds of the Wild Ginger.
The Capture(Rapture) of the Wandering Blue Lobelia.
The Crenelation of the Purple Coneflower.
The Tempering of the Fiery Firethorn.
The Entanglement of the Blue Monkey Flower.
The Plucking of the Twined Barberry.
Scaling the Ramparts of the Guarded Barrenwort.

The Itching of the Poison Ivy

The Penetration of the Purple Plumaria

The Titillating Tale of the Tenacious Tea Olive

The Stupendous Stamina of the Shepherd’s Scabious Stamen.

(There apparently really is a flower called the Shepherd’s Scabious (Jasione laevis)... go figure!

The Deflowering of the Passionate Peony
The Lingering Desire of Honeysuckle
The Secret Seduction of the Scarlet Pimpernel
The Romancing of the Dewy Rosebud

The Self-pollination of the Ghost Orchid
The Climax of the Jewel Orchid

Love orchids…!

And since nobody has said it, I guess I’ll have to:

In ur Aster, savin ur life!

The Haunting of the Deadly Nightshade

The Pulchritudinous Pleasure of the Phaelenopsis

The Swooning of the Sea Pink

The Hot-Fleshed Fancies of the Calla Lily

ooh, this is fun!

The cat’s paw of the kangaroo paw

The sniggering of the snakeweed

The posterior placement of the pineapple

The virile vengeance of the vinca vine

Betrayal of the Bastard Toadflax

Intertwining of the Hairy Beardtongue and Broad Dock

Sting of the Viper’s Bugloss

The Seizing of the Bindweed

How about “The Defiant Gesture of the Devilish Daffodil” or “The Dastardly Affair of the Artful Amaryllis” or “The Perfection of the Perfunctory Poinsettia” or “The Case of the Deceptive Dogwood.” Not sure if that last one is a tree or a flower (not to mention how it sounds like the title of a Nancy Drew book), but then again that could make it all the more fun for spies. I could go on but these are getting quite bad.

Seducing the Snap Dragon

The Beating of my Bleeding Heart

Deception and My Love-Lies-Bleeding

There once was a lady in Nantucket,
who kept all her flowers in a bucket.
But then she said “Oh noes”
“I should use them for my prose”
And so all her future titles were ... doomed to have floral titles

The depths of the blue algae
The secret of the pansy
The veil of the belladonna

Darn it:

The secret of the purple pansy
The veil of the yellow belladonna

You can tee, that I have a screaming
baby to take care of

The Narcissism of the Narcissus

The Dangling of the Dandelion

The Robust Repartee of the Rhododendron

The Cry of the Calla Lily

The Bulb of the Orchid

The Philandering Posy

The Ruthless Declawing of the Great Tiger Lily

The Corruption of the Reluctant Primrose (I’m surprised with all these entries no one came across the obvious primrose path so I’ll throw it in)

The Garroting of the Gregarious Gardenia

Can’t believe I’m actually submitting these, but what have I got to loose!

The Derogatory Remarks of the Boxed Tulip
the Turgidity of the Begonia
The Orgy of the Rosebush
The secret diary of the forget-me-not

did I win?

The Journey of the Jewelweed
The Calamitous Case of the Canary Creeper
The Drooping Dandelion of Devonshire
The Love Language of the Loquacious Lily

The Embrace of the Lonely Thistle
The Adventures of the Creeping Jenny
The Dreams of the Enchanted Snowdrop
The Whimsical Witch Hazel

The Problem of the Red Hot Poke Her(Poker)
The Coming of the Red Hot Poker

The Cremation of the Corpse Lily
The Death of the Resurrection Fern
The Liposuction of the Zoftig Zinnia
The Torture of the Toothache Plant
The Plague of the Rat Tail Radish
The Attack of the Zombie Amaryllis
The Fumble of the Football Mum
The Biting of the Dragon Tongue
The Perversion of the Piggy-Back Plant
The Streaking of the Naked Ladies

The Horrific Hellious Chicanery of the Heliamphora Chimantensis.

The Violent Urges of Violets

The Concupiscence of the Corn Flower

The Pulchritudinous Lure of the Perfidious Pansy

I love all of these titles! Here we go:

The Raunchy Rompings of the Ruddy Rose

The Gentle Prodding of the Petulant Geranium

The Prickly Persona of the Dastardly Thistle
Reminiscence of the Forget-me-not
The Bleak Winter of the Spring Beauty
Longing for Wisteria
Cryptic Secrets of the Moonflower
Enigmatic Amaryllis

The Last Wish of the Unwatered Houseplant*
The Hidden Rage of the Peace Lily
The Spider Plant’s Secret Baby

*obviously not at all based on what I see before me.

The Soiling of Black Bryont
The Thrust of Goldenrod
The Bending of Nosegay
The Parting of the Primrose
The Open Season of Her Venus Flytrap

(I thought I would have atleast one less not focused on sex. Not sure if I did a good job. :D)

The Fondling of the Foxgloves (alternatively, Fondling With Foxgloves, which could almost be a how-to book)
The Animosity of the Aloe Vera
The Oracle of the Ficus
The Ghastly Revelation of the Elephant Ear
The Conjugations of the Camphor Tree
The Treason of the Judas Jasmine
The Dogwoods of the Magnolia (I don’t even know)
The Phallic Imagery of the Indian Paintbrush

The Presumption of the Precocious Peppermint
~lAUra

The Trials of the Tenacious Tiger Lily
The Loves of the Luscious Lotus
~lAUra

Licentious Liliaceae