Bitchin' Blog Posts
Chance Meeting? Or Dotcom Romances?
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | March 24, 2006 | Friday at 6:25 pm | 60 CommentsHow do people meet each other nowadays? Am I the only one thinking that the internet will become a major dating arena?
I know no fewer than six couples who met online and are blissfully happy. From match.com to jdate to eHarmony - take the stress of personal interaction out of the equation, and people seem to be more honest, clearing away the pretenses prior to having a face-to-face meeting. Even the amazing woman who boards my dog, who is as down to earth and genuine as they come (the woman, not my dog), met her new husband on eHarmony. And she is the first person who would tell you that meeting someone online sounded like a complete pipedream (no pun intended).
If you live in Romance Novel Land, your hero could come galloping up to your castle astride a mammoth horse named “Thor” or “Pixie-squeak,” or perhaps he raids your father’s company, buying it out in a hostile takeover. Or maybe you get sucked back in time and he almost runs you through with his manly lance. Or you run a bed and breakfast and he stays as a guest, writing his book. Or you both work as magicians and he saws you in half with his manly saw.
In real life: perhaps you work together? You shop at the same store and check each other out? Or you both work as role players in fake towns built for military training?
Me, I met Hubby in high school. Then we worked at a summer camp and ended up permanently together. Not really the stuff of romance – although, I will say, as far as a plotting method to keep the hero and heroine together all the time, working at a summer sleepaway camp guarantees the protagonists will be seeing each other ALL the TIME. And there will be plenty of opportunity to sneak off and do some scrumpin’—if you know what I mean.
Would I look for a spouse or partner online if I didn’t already have one? Absolutely. Many of my closest friends (*koff koff* Candy *koff koff*) are people I’ve met via writing online.
But does that make for good romance? Is one of the fantasies of romance novels becoming the face-to-face chance meeting that didn’t originate on a website profile?
And, how did you meet your spouse/partner?
Filed: Random Musings, The Link-O-Lator
Rosina Lippi said on 03.24.06 at 06:46 PM • [link]
I met my husband at Princeton, where we were both working on our doctorates.
He hung out with the wild and crazy crowd of mathematicians (and I do not joke) and I got caught up in the nuttiness.
SB Sarah said on 03.24.06 at 06:48 PM • [link]
Hey now, wild and crazy mathematicians? That’s hot!
Because we all use math every day!
emdee said on 03.24.06 at 07:12 PM • [link]
Online is just about the only place I can meet anyone. Being 56 and single truly scales down the dating pool. Meeting online can be very problematic though. Often people are not who they claim to be. Statistics show that 20% are married…
I just had to say thanks, but no thanks, to a guy who seemed like a good choice, but he confessed that he was declared mentally incompetent by the state. They pay his bills and have him on an allowance…Men often complain about how the women depict themselves in ads, saying that we use Glamour Shots and that is false advertising. I think you meet more people misrepresenting themselves online, but what can you do? At my age many men have been married 2 or 3 times, are paying alimony, say they never have any money and are embittered. I tell ya, it’s rough out there.
KariBelle said on 03.24.06 at 07:20 PM • [link]
I met my ex-husband in college as well. It was one of those stories that is probably only romantic to us, and now in retrospect not so much even to us now.
I have considered joining match.com or eharmony but quite frankly I just don’t have time to date right now. I am a full time stay-at-home single mom (yep, if your ex-husband makes enough money, and he screws up badly enough, a judge will let you do that), and part-time graduate student.
In the Fall my daughter will start kindergarten and I am putting my son in pre-school so I can be a full-time grad student. Maybe then I will have enough time to date. Who the hell am I kidding, I will never have time. I will just have to make time when I feel ready.
I will not hesitate to look online. It is the easiest way I can think of to find people of similar interests and goals. But I do remember when the internet was new and it seemed like the flakiest thing in the world when my friend, Missy announced that she was moving from North Carolina to Michigan to marry, “the love of her life.” whom she had never actually laid eyes on. We were not especially close, and did not keep in touch, but I did run into her in the mall a couple of years later and she was happily married to some guy she had met here in NC while working at Wal-Mart or something.
Sara said on 03.24.06 at 07:24 PM • [link]
Our eyes met over the conductor’s head across the high school band room. He played the trumpet; I played the clarinet. We both had big crushes but never acted on them.
A decade later, we bumped into each other in the computer lab at our grad school. Less than a year later, we were married. And we’ve been making beautiful music ever since. Ba dum dum.
That said, we have friends who internet date. One treats the women he meets abonimably, using and discarding them. The other is blissfully, insanely happy with the woman he met several months ago. We’re waiting for their engagement announcement to come any day now.
Darlene Marshall said on 03.24.06 at 07:58 PM • [link]
I met my husband the old fashioned way. I went to the Hillel Jewish Student Center at college to meet people who shared my interests and values, and there he was. I’m a big believer in common ground in real life over “opposites attract”, even though the latter makes for a more interesting romance novel.
Of course, it was more than shared values and interests—my DH of 30 years can teach ballroom dance, has eyes like chocolate kisses, and can tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue. And he sings, beautifully.
I do have friends who use JDate and other services, and some have had excellent results. Interestingly, JDate now offers same-sex matching as well, and I have friends who’ve taken advantage of that. Goes back to the shared values and interests thing.
Nicole said on 03.24.06 at 08:11 PM • [link]
Through a series of interesting events involving my dad, a buddy of his, the buddy’s daughter, a guy I met who knew the buddy’s daughter and then my husband through the buddy’s daughter’s guy friend (who introduced us mainly because said guy friend stood me up for a date because he went down to meet a girl he met ONLINE. Oh, and they’re married now). And DH and I first started chatting through ICQ even though we were all on the same college campus. So technically I met him online…
But I never would have met him if it hadn’t been for that weird series of events. He was a couple years ahead of me and english majors do not cross paths with engineers much, if at all.
SamG said on 03.24.06 at 08:22 PM • [link]
I met my hubby at a laundromat, playing pinball. I was there with his younger sister (a classmate).
I don’t know if I could do on-line dating. I am too much of a chicken. Too afraid of meeting the boogie man in disguise. If something happened to the hubby, I don’t even know if I’d want to face dating. It was difficult when I was young, let alone 40+, overweight and basically spoiled.
Sam…who wouldn’t want to change that spoiled status
flea said on 03.24.06 at 08:42 PM • [link]
I met my husband in the library, when we were both graduate students (he in engineering, I in classical archaeology). Ten years ago. He was attracted to my Mac laptop - at first sight.
I know a number of people who have met spouses or partners online - both through dating sites, and through other sorts of online forums. If you’re someone for whom the written word - and, heaven help us, spelling and punctuation - matters deeply, what better place to get to know someone?
Of course, my husband can’t spell, but I love him anyway.
Megan said on 03.24.06 at 08:42 PM • [link]
We were acquaintances in high school and he was a year ahead of me. Completely randomly we ended up going to the same college. He offered to show me around since I knew him, then he invited me to his birthday bash that weekend and we’ve been together ever since. That was 5 years ago, and we’ve been married for almost one.
Katie Ann said on 03.24.06 at 09:08 PM • [link]
Wow, so many other couples who met in college!
On the first day both of us were at the University of Texas at Dallas (that we both went to only because they sent us letters out of the blue telling us that if we applied, they’d pay for us. Otherwise both of us would have wound up at UT Arlington.) there was some freshman mixer. I was sitting at a table with the 3 other people there that I went to high school with playing board games. In a very, very rare moment of extrovertedness my now DH walked right up and asked if he could play Scrabble with us. (He is neeever that sociable.) We already had 4 players so he held his tiles in his hand and kicked all of our asses. We hung out every night following that and were engaged within 6 months, married 5 months later, and are still happy as ever.
He’s an engineering nerd and I’m a psychology major and our paths never would have crossed after that night I think, so damn am I lucky.
Katie Ann said on 03.24.06 at 09:12 PM • [link]
Oh yeah, and as for online dating…I’d like to think that now I could do it, but before getting married, I don’t know that I would have had the confidence to.
And while I don’t know anyone who was successful at it, an odd sidestory is that my mom was carrying on some illicit affair with a younger guy (she claimed to be about half of her age and a gorgeous blonde) online. (Of course she didn’t know that we knew, but damn woman, learn to clear the clipboard before you get off the family computer.) To my knowledge they never met in person or even talked on the phone, but misrepresentation is definitely out there.
Valeen said on 03.24.06 at 09:15 PM • [link]
My hubby and I met in high school through mutual friends. It wasn’t love at first sight as he had a girlfriend with him the day we first hung in a group. But as high school romances go, within a week he was single and moving in on me. LOL
I’m not sure if I could go with online dating. I’m too quick to think that someone may be lying for some reason. And I’m a bit scared, what if he turned out to be a stalker?
We have just one set of friends who met online and they have been happily together for a year or so. Its fairly hard to meet people online that are within driving distance here.
Caryle said on 03.24.06 at 09:20 PM • [link]
Single girl here. I always thought I’d be like my parents and meet someone in college. Much to my disappointment, it didn’t happen.
I’ve done the E-Harmony thing. The bad part was that I live in the Midwest, and there just weren’t that many matches that lived less than three hours away. I did actually meet someone, but it didn’t work out. (Many factors, him living on the East Coast didn’t help) But for a while, it really seemed like it had worked. I was deliriously happy because he really GOT me.
After it was over I just wasn’t ready to throw my hat into the ring again. I decided to work on loving me a little before I decide to love someone else. Would I try again? Sure. I think it’s definitely a viable option for me. I just hope that next time there are more men a little closer to home. :)
EvilAuntiePeril said on 03.24.06 at 09:22 PM • [link]
About 5 years ago, our dept. administrator completely gobsmacked me by announcing she was going on holiday to Tunisia with a guy she’d met online a fortnight before. This seemed really radical, even for someone with her adventurous personality. Interestingly, she was at pains to reassure everyone that although they’d never met, it actually turned out that their mothers knew one another, which made it okay. Shortly thereafter she left work to travel the world with him, and they were last spotted on a reality travel gameshow on the telly about a year later.
To contrast, last year my flatmate finished her degree (part-time) and decided to start dating. She does this entirely through online sites, and it has always seemed completely normal, even though being very cynical we both assumed initially that EVERYONE LIED and were therefore surprised by how many didn’t. She still hasn’t found anyone yet, but has very high standards and is rather enjoying the dating.
So although I haven’t ventured online in the quest for luuurrvve, this will definitely be an option the next time I’m done with essay deadlines for a while. For one thing, it might be easier to screen out the ones that say things like, “Reading? Why are you reading a book again? You just finished one last week. Mind if I turn on the snooker? It won’t bother you at all.”
rachel said on 03.24.06 at 09:34 PM • [link]
I met my husband at college, but, much to our mutual embarrassment, neither of us can remember exactly how we met. We just kind of always knew each other.
We’ve been best friends for 5 years, dated for 3, and married for a month (yay for newly weds!) He was actually my roommate before we hooked up, so at least I didn’t have far to go. I’m not a very romantic person myself (I save that for my reading!), but it surprises me sometimes how much I love him. It just crept up when I wasn’t looking, and I’ve never looked back.
Castiron said on 03.24.06 at 09:56 PM • [link]
I met my ex online—I enjoyed his posts on a newsgroup, emailed him to comment on a post, and things progressed from there. (Alas, I didn’t realize that some traits that were no problem online would be major problems in a long-term in-person relationship. But then, that happens to people who meet offline too.)
Online is a fine place to meet folks, but I’d be more comfortable meeting someone online in a community discussing some topic we were mutually interested in, rather than meeting someone through an online matchmaking service. In the former, folks seem less likely to intentionally misrepresent themselves.
Joyce Ellen Armond said on 03.24.06 at 10:18 PM • [link]
I met my husband through online personal ads sponsored by our local newspaper, and it’s all good.
We’ll be married four years in May!
Spider said on 03.24.06 at 10:42 PM • [link]
Caryle—:) It was good to hear your comments, because I think about the online thing off & on, but haven’t gone there yet (with the exception of playing with Yahoo personals). Even if it didn’t ultimately work out, I’d like to think I’d meet someone who got me—I feel like I have yet to meet a “potential” partner who does.
I met an ex online as well (on a RPG Mu*), and we were together for about 2.5 years. Ultimately, he had commitment issues, but saying “hey” to some one in an online community is not such a bad thing. I’ve made a lot of friends that way, and haven’t regretted it. I do advise all the usual cautions. (I teach, so I am always thinking about being careful!)
Candy said on 03.24.06 at 10:43 PM • [link]
I met the Very Tall Husband on the now-defunct SparkMatch.com (these same guys now run okcupid.com, which is loads of silly fun because of all the tests). The VTH and I started out as on-line friends, writing copious amounts of very silly e-mails to each other, then we met and I developed a huge crush on him—he’s so seriously hot, y’all—a crush he seemed completely oblivious to. I basically assaulted him one day as he was kneeling down tying his shoelaces because I suddenly realized that OHMIGOD HE’S EYE LEVEL WITH ME, QUICK QUICK KISS HIM. As it turned out, he wasn’t averse to being attacked by short, foul-mouthed Asian chicks. We agreed to a dirty little summer fling, because he didn’t intend to stay in Portland very long, but we fell in love somewhere along the way.
Heh, I seem to have a habit of doing that; the two people I’ve been in love with started out as on-line friendships that progressed to sexy friendships, then BOOM, tearful declarations of luuurrrrrrve ensue. Well, that’s not the whole picture, because the majority of the people whom I’ve slept with were people I met on-line first, and quite a few of the guys I met on-line but didn’t have any physical chemistry with have ended up being my buddies.
Anyway, my verdict on on-line dating: Awesome, would recommend, just use common sense when meeting guys for the first time, like making sure the first date is in a well-lit public place.
Jennifer said on 03.24.06 at 11:01 PM • [link]
I think I’m the only one around who isn’t all “Yay online dating!” I don’t like the idea of signing up on a dating service, getting to know someone’s personality online, and then finding out in person that I don’t find them remotely attractive, or they have an irritating voice, or something. Then I’m rejecting on pure looks despite knowing their personality. Ouch. Plus I don’t really think you can get to know somebody without knowing them in person, even for a brief period of time. I have a friend who married a guy 12 hours after meeting him in person, and OY, that freaks me out.
(Course, from what I’ve seen on the dating service for my town and from when my friend let me log in on her match.com account, there is nobody in my town or entire end of the state that I would remotely want to date, too.)
I do think that if you made friends with someone online (NOT in a dating context, through some mutual interest or something), that might not be as bad, though. (And that did happen with one ex.) But to be honest, I am not going to try it again unless the dude lives in my town. I’m not exactly in a life situation where I can travel across the country to meet a guy.
Sammie said on 03.24.06 at 11:01 PM • [link]
I met hubby on my first day of high school. I had a huge crush on him (the man is hawt!), but then decided I hated him because he was an arrogant jerk. And we traveled in similar social circles, so I made sure he knew what I thought of him. I called him “Stickboy” to his face (he’s tall and thin).
Fast forward to the summer after our Sophomore year of college. Our summer fling turned into true luuuurve, and we’ve now been married over two and a half years. And I just found out this morning that I’m pregnant with our first child (but shhh - don’t tell anyone)!!!! :wow:
Reese Witherfork said on 03.24.06 at 11:28 PM • [link]
I could see a little sub-genre of meeting-on-line romances popping up. Might be difficult though, since all the sex scenes will have to be masturbation scenes until the end, when they meet.
Yeah, I’m all about meeting people on the internet. I see it as almost old-fashioned (communicating via letters).
Reese Witherfork said on 03.24.06 at 11:31 PM • [link]
By the way, Sammie - congradulations. That’s very exciting. Have a great day!
fiveandfour said on 03.24.06 at 11:31 PM • [link]
Wow, I thought I was a living, breathing cliche because I met my husband in a bar (it wasn’t quite the drunken slobber-fest one usually imagines with that scenario, but still - it was a bar). I’m quite surprised at the number of you who knew one another in school or met thanks to online contact. I recall as a kid that my parents belonged to this club and one night all of the adults started discussing how they met and about 75% of them had met in a bar (this was in the 1970s). I always assumed from that discussion that meeting in a bar was “the big cliche”*.
So is online dating the equivalent of the meeting in a bar scenario for the modern age? Or was it just coincidence that this one group of people had such a large percentage of couples who had met that way?
*It always kind of bugged me, too, that out of all of the romances I’d read I could recall only one where the H and H had met that way.
Christine said on 03.24.06 at 11:43 PM • [link]
Ok, this is going to sound like a plot line.
I was living across the street from my future Signifigant Other in an abandoned house. One of my housemates was in the same band as him, and was also friends with a girl who lived in the house, so he arranged it with the girl for me to use the shower there a couple times a week. My future SO got wind of this, but misunderstood: he thought my entire household was using the showers. So he put up a nasty, facetious sign on the front door that made it pretty clear that no one was welcome to the shower. the girl still let me use the shower, so I kept comign over, but behind his back. He realized this and was mortified to discover that not only had it just been me all along, but i now thought he was a jackass. This conflicted with a crush he had been harboring for me for some months. Several months later, he finally got up the nerve to formally introduce himself in explain that he wasn’t really a total jackass.
We’ve been together ever since.
Nicole said on 03.25.06 at 12:04 AM • [link]
lol My husband was called “Stickboy” in college. :-) not by me, though, was given to him by his buddies.
Sarah F. said on 03.25.06 at 12:24 AM • [link]
I started going out with my husband when I was sixteen about a month after he dumped his boring girlfriend. I was apparently his senior year fling he was going to dump before he went to college. Sixteen years later (almost ten of marriage), he still hasn’t got up the courage to dump me, because I’d tear his balls off. We’re more in love every day. It just keeps getting better.
And congrats, Sammie—I envy you. I’ve been trying for close to ten months to get pregnant, but no dice yet.
Candy said on 03.25.06 at 12:34 AM • [link]
Sammie: OHMIGOD congratulations!
Jennifer: “I think I’m the only one around who isn’t all “Yay online dating!†I don’t like the idea of signing up on a dating service, getting to know someone’s personality online, and then finding out in person that I don’t find them remotely attractive, or they have an irritating voice, or something. Then I’m rejecting on pure looks despite knowing their personality. Ouch. Plus I don’t really think you can get to know somebody without knowing them in person, even for a brief period of time. I have a friend who married a guy 12 hours after meeting him in person, and OY, that freaks me out.”
I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with deciding not to date somebody because of the lack of physical and sexual chemistry. (I’ve learned that physical attractiveness doesn’t necessarily translate directly into sexual attractiveness, because some of the most attractive boys I’ve known just didn’t do it for me in bed—not that they were bad or anything, just…not inspiring.) Attraction is an important element of romantic love, and we need to find the one we’re with beautiful, even if nobody else does. Besides that, even if there’s no zing, it’s possible to make new friends this way. I know I have.
But the marrying someone you met just 12 hours ago? Yeah, that’d freak my shit out, too. I agree that on-line relationships are not a substitute for face-to-face interaction.
Deena said on 03.25.06 at 01:21 AM • [link]
You’re all going to think I’m crazy. I met my husband (6 years!) in an online writing list. We talked about our writing, e-mailed one another back and forth, got flirty, started talking on the telephone, and then he came to visit me. We had 4 lovely days together and then he went home. We were just supposed to be friends, but then he sent me roses for my birthday and called and told me he loved me and asked me to move in with him. I told him I couldn’t do it without marriage, and he said “okay!” and there we were… and I wasn’t quite sure how it happened. He came back 6 months later and we got married the day after he got off the plane, rented a truck and moved me from Orlando, Florida to Cleveland, Ohio. Horrid honeymoon. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. We now have two beautiful small people (ages 4 and 3)and we’re closing on our first house next week.
Danielle said on 03.25.06 at 01:33 AM • [link]
Fiveandfour, I met my husband in a bar. It was a small neighbourhood hang-out (think Cheers in Little Italy); I was the bartender & he was a regular.
He likes to say he was 30% better looking than anyone else in the place, i.e. he tipped outrageously to get my attention. It worked, but mostly because he was smart, hot & completely un-skeevy, not at all like the other guys who’d tried to pick me up at work.
susanw said on 03.25.06 at 02:12 AM • [link]
Nine years ago, when I was 26, I took a year off my ordinary American life to work with a program that placed young adult volunteers with various churches and charities around the UK. The day I got to the international volunteer welcome conference, there was this loud-mouthed dark-haired guy wearing a Colorado sweatshirt at the next table. I looked at him and thought, “Frat boy. Not my type.”
After lunch someone introduced us, and we talked for an hour. That night we sat on the staircase and talked for three hours. The rest is history. We married almost two years to the day after we met.
Like some others, I don’t have any married friends who met through an online dating service, but just about every major internet community I’ve participated in has spawned at least one marriage.
Lynn M said on 03.25.06 at 02:19 AM • [link]
I met my husband in college, when we joined the same business fraternity. I was trying to get over a broken heart caused by the guy who I had a crush on but who was in love with my roommate. I needed someone to turn my attentions to, and the hubby seemed like one of those nice all-American guy-next-door kind of guys. I figured I’d flirt around with him for a semester or two until I got over my crush. In a billion years I never would have guessed some sixteen years, two kids, a dog, a cat and a hamster later we’d be together.
I have a good friend who’s been doing the on-line dating thing. At least three times now she’s really gotten head over heels with a guy she’s met via e-mails and even talked to on the phone. But when she actually met them, they physically just weren’t her type. I think on-line dating would be very hard because a physical attraction is very important, IMO. I would be devastated to meet some guy on-line who had a great personality, fabulous sense of humor, smart, all-around great person, only to find out I found him physically unappealing.
But if it works, I’m all for it.
Jenna said on 03.25.06 at 02:26 AM • [link]
Out of my circle of friends only one couple met through an online dating service, but several met because of online activities (several of us belonged to the same fan mailing list, and then one brought along his best friend from college to a gathering and another friend fell for her, and on it goes).
Being online opens a lot of opportunties for friendship as well as romance, which is the part I’ve always enjoyed: it’s hard to find people I can relate to where I live. I’ve tried dating services in the past, but I seem to only attract the skeevy and weird (like the married guy who said outright he was looking for a little something on the side. Um, no.) I’m just glad that out of the dozens of people I’ve met online and then in person, very few have turned out to be misrepresenting themselves (and only one in a scary way.)
Victoria Dahl said on 03.25.06 at 03:15 AM • [link]
>>I see it as almost old-fashioned (communicating via letters).<<
That’s exactly how it was for me, Reese. The key being that it started out as a friendship, so we weren’t putting up a front.
I met my husband online eons ago. (All text commands on a Freenet. Not a Window in sight.) The most romantic moment? We didn’t want any weird pressure on our first physical meeting, so we both flew to the middle of the country (St. Louis), took the Metro train to lunch and a museum, then each flew back home that day. Lovely and sweet.
After a few more airplane-facilitated dates, we decided to meet in the middle again. We picked a neutral town (Denver) and moved in together. Now we’ve been together for a decade and things are going strong.
The letter-writing analogy is spot on. I knew more about him before I ever met him than I did about family members. Of course, we were both being honest. . .
Alison Kent said on 03.25.06 at 04:29 AM • [link]
Online. :)
fiveandfour said on 03.25.06 at 04:46 AM • [link]
Lynn, something in your comment (a physical attraction is very important, IMO. I would be devastated to meet some guy on-line who had a great personality, fabulous sense of humor, smart, all-around great person, only to find out I found him physically unappealing.) sparked a mini-memory I have from a movie. All I saw was this scene and I can’t remember anything else important, like the title, etc. Anyway. The scene is this woman getting into her bridal gear and someone asks her a question about whether she’s sure about what she’s about to do.
She replies that she never would have been able to imagine marrying this particular man when she was younger; she needed to become older and learn more about the critical importance of a person’s character. In her youth, she never would have been able to get beyond the fact that the guy she was about to marry was by no means her ideal physical type.
That’s stuck with me because I’ve always been kind of curious how much of attraction is physical and how much is all of the other stuff - laughing at the same things, finding similar things interesting, being able to talk about the little and the big, etc. In the online world, I imagine all of the early part of the courtship is the mental and emotional part of attraction and in the physical world the courtship is, well, more physical. My point is, I wonder how many people can be truly satisfied with, say, 2 out of 3 of the elements of attraction with the 1 thing missing being the physical stuff. How many people absolutely require the whole daisy chain?
Complicating all that, I recently saw something about a psychological experiment where men and women were randomly paired up and had to look into one another’s eyes for a set period of time. During the after-interviews, a significant portion of the people reported feeling physically attracted to the person they’d been partnered with and a significant portion of those people further noted that their partner was not their usual physical type. This implies to me that sometimes it’s possible to manufacture a physical attraction where one wouldn’t otherwise exist.
For a last twist on this screw, it’s also true that a universal part of the early phase of courtship for humans is the aspect of physical play (tickling and mock torturing), holding hands, random touching, and so on which is an obvious expression of physical attraction.
In the end, I’d throw myself into the group that thinks the physical stuff is terribly important. By no means do I feel I’ve “matured” beyond needing to feel a physical attraction to my mate. But I wonder: in general, how much of the physical attraction is likely to be there because we want it to be there (like how some people taking a placebo report a relief from pain) and how much of it is down to that atavistic thing we call “animal attraction”?
Final pondering, I would say that the vast, vast majority of romances I’ve read have focused on the animal attraction angle. I’d say probably one of the fundamental assumptions of the genre is that it’s *supposed to be* a story with irresistable physical attraction going on between the H & H. Can anyone think of some really great (romance) books that have included an element where the physical part of the attraction was practically manufactured by the H & H - and successfully so - because they wanted their relationship to succeed on all levels and this was the level that wasn’t working for them previously? Oftentimes fiction can describe a truth of human nature better than anything else, and I’m interested to see some examples of how such a romance could really work.
Kris Starr said on 03.25.06 at 05:12 AM • [link]
Danielle and Fiveandfour—
I, too, met my ex in a bar. To add to the cliche, it was New Year’s Eve. I was there with my best friend, he was there with his buddy. My friend knew his buddy, and took off to say hello. I followed, was introduced, and tra la la, four years later, we were married.
In the 3.5 years since the split, though, I’ll admit I’ve looked at the online dating sites (lately primarily Yahoo personals), but my biggest problem is that every single one of the photos of guys within a 200-km radius is completely skeevy. Perhaps I’m being too picky, but it’s important to me to have that physical attraction. Oh, and the ones who type ALL IN CAPS or misspell every second word (IM SURE YOUR PERFECT) *shudder* are also a no-go.
Shallow? Sure. I settled once, though, and don’t plan on doing that again. :)
(I don’t deny that it works for some people, though. I attended the wedding of a good friend last summer—who married the guy she met on LavaLife.)
Victoria Dahl said on 03.25.06 at 05:15 AM • [link]
I’ve got to tell you that as I’ve matured (I’m in my early thirties now), I’ve found that the most important thing you can look for in a partner is RESPECT. I mean it in the most absolute way. Not, “Oh, he’s such a great guy, but. . .” I mean, this is a man I can count on, a man who treats me with dignity and expects others to do so, a man who honestly thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, though I’m certainly not. That’s the kind of attraction and spark that last a long, long time.
We’ve all been intensely attracted to men who weren’t right for us, and most of us have found that that kind of instant lust fades with time, and then you’re left with the stuff you didn’t pay enough attention to.
Of course, you shouldn’t be with anybody who doesn’t float your boat. Just make sure the buoyancy is the kind that lasts!!!
fiveandfour said on 03.25.06 at 05:17 AM • [link]
Oh, and the ones who type ALL IN CAPS or misspell every second word (IM SURE YOUR PERFECT) *shudder* are also a no-go.
I’d be completely guilty of doing that, too, if I were to online date. In the real world, I once was *done* on a date the second he called me “doll”. And this is but one example of many ridiculous things that had me happily returning home at the end of a night out, man free. It takes surprisingly little to turn me off, it appears :).
Fiamme said on 03.25.06 at 05:38 AM • [link]
I was introduced to my husband by a flatmate, who was friends with him. He thought we’d hit it off, and he was right.
Considering I was a year ahead of him and doing English, and he was studying Pharmacy, it’s unlikely we’d have met if Saul hadn’t thrown us together.
Since then, being a truly geeky couple, we’ve spent a lot of time online and made friends with other people in online contexts. Some of whom we’ve met face to face and continued the friendship with.
So, while we didn’t meet online, if one or other of us was to die (can’t see any other way we’d want to split up) I could see the widow or widower finding their next relationship online. If we ever got over it - and from what I’ve seen of other bereaved people, eventually most people do move on.
suzanhyssen said on 03.25.06 at 06:38 AM • [link]
I also met my husband in a bar. On dollar pitcher night.
I had graduated a year earlier and was in town for a roommate’s wedding. He was still in school (younger men!) and we met through mutual friends.
And even after I found out he was a dreaded FRAT BOY, I stuck with him. 14 years later. Man, how time flies.
Kerry said on 03.25.06 at 11:37 AM • [link]
I met my husband online. Not through a dating site though. He posted on a local newsgroup that he was looking for an episode of a TV show that he’d missed. I had it on tape and offered to lend it to him. (He later told me that since all my emails were signed “Kerry” he was expecting a guy to show up on his doorstep, not a girl.)
We were acquaintances and casual friends long before anything else. Things just kind of evolved over a number of years.
We got engaged while he was living in another city from me. I was starting to talk about moving up to join him and my dad wasn’t very happy about this. Now-husband and I talked about it and I commented that Dad would be happier if we were getting married. “So why don’t we?” he said. We both went very quiet for a moment, then realised that was indeed right for us, so the decision was made.
We now have a 2 year old son and will have our 4th wedding anniversary this year.
So we joke that we met on the internet, we never had a real date and we got engaged over the phone. We were both physically present in the church when we got married though.
sk said on 03.25.06 at 11:42 AM • [link]
I met my husband through an online dating site. We didn’t write much, but mostly talked on the phone. We liked some of the same books, shared an interest in technology, and made each other laugh. When I finally met him, he was cuter than his very cute picture and I didn’t want to let go when we hugged goodbye. I never thought of myself as the goofy-in-love, marrying kind - but he’s smart and funny, and geeky in all the right ways. And, he smells good.
When I think about how we met, online dating seems more rational and reasonable than glomming onto some stranger in a bar. But reason has very little to do with romantic chemistry. The things we had in common were enough to make me want to meet him in person, but I wasn’t attracted to him until we met face-to-face…in a bar.
Darla said on 03.25.06 at 05:16 PM • [link]
I met my husband when we were in AIT (army training). Oooh, yeah, I looked sexy in BDUs & boots. *rolling my eyes* Seems to have worked anyway.
I do know several couples who met online. My daughter’s dating a guy she met via a messageboard for a band they both liked. Of course she also had a creepy experience with a guy she met via MySpace, so it’s a mixed bag….not unlike meeting people in person.
I don’t see why a romance that begins online wouldn’t work in a book—it’s all in how it’s written, isn’t it? You’d have to include email/IM texts instead of regular dialogue, but I can picture it pretty easily.
Sam H said on 03.25.06 at 05:54 PM • [link]
I tried the online thing once and the guy turned out to be verbally abusive so I didn’t try that again. I probably should though if my current relationship ever falls apart. This is the first one I’ve had in 7 years. There’s nothing like being 30 in a rural area where everyone marries right out of high school. My current boyfriend and I met though work. I have to take the deposits to the bank and he was the teller who always waited on me. Before I knew it he was coming to my workplace to say hi and eventually we started seeing each other away from work.
Suzanne said on 03.25.06 at 10:44 PM • [link]
I met my DH of 26 years on a blind date. A co-worker and a male friend of hers set up a bunch of us with his friends, to go to a hospital gala. It was a hit, and two of the couples (me included) married our guys!
ZaZa said on 03.26.06 at 12:41 AM • [link]
I’m currently single, but my best friend is married to a guy I introduced her to online. He IM’d me, thinking I was someone he’d met at a seminar - similar screen name. I immediately looked up his profile while we chatted. I saw that he was everything my newly single friend was looking for.
Friend and I were going out to mall walk and have dinner, so, when she arrived, I told them to chat while I showered and got ready. They spent most of the next day chatting online, the day after that it was the phone. In two weeks they met in Chicago for the weekend, a couple more months and my friend relocated so they could live together. That worked really well, so a little over a year after they “met” on my computer, they married. That’s been a few years ago now, and they’re still very happy together.
I also met my CP online, on an English goth band’s list. We’ve been friends and CPs for ten years now. She’s in England, but we’ve had two vacations together during that time, too, and the virtual friendship survived them.
It can definitely happen.
April said on 03.26.06 at 12:54 AM • [link]
H.E. and I met on AOL. We were usually the two funniest people in a chat room, and we frequented the same chat rooms. Anyway, he fell in love with my sense of humor and really wanted to get to know me better, so he Instant Messaged me and tried to get me to call him. When I wouldn’t and gave him the excuse that it was too expensive a call (I lived in San Diego, and he lived in L.A.), he got himself an 800 number, even though he really couldn’t afford it, and he practically begged me to call him.
So I called him.
He decided after the first one or two calls, where he asked many, many questions, that I was the one for him and that he was in love with my heart and soul. From then on, it was more phone calls, at least a handful of times a day every day, then an exchange of photos, then an actual meeting. We dated, then moved in together, and all of that was in the span of a few months about 10 years ago.
After all these years, he still loves my sense of humor, still thinks I’m sweet, and still believes I’m the hottest woman he’s ever been with.
I don’t know how I could ever top that with anyone I’ve ever initially met offline. I’m totally sold on online romances.
Heather said on 03.26.06 at 01:33 AM • [link]
Scrumping! Tea and Scrumpets! Or really dirty scrumping…SCRRRRROMPIN’! All sex in cars should be referred to as scrrrompin’.
I met my fiancee at a rockabilly show. He came up to me at random and asked me to have breakfast with him. We went, it was fun, but nothing happened after that, as I was in a dwindling relationship and didn’t want any complications.
And then a year later, we found each other at random online. Livejournal. My relationship issues were over, we went on a date, and it’s been tea and scrumpets ever since!
He said later that it was like I had a beam of light on me at the rockabilly show, and something just said “talk to that girl!”...like the hand of fate and all that cliche crap.
emdrschk said on 03.26.06 at 05:07 AM • [link]
Hardly anyone on here has met a spouse at work. Is that old fashioned?
My husband was a medical student and I was a medical assistant. The first time we laid eyes on eachother was during a surgery. Far from romance but,(I thought) if he can look at me like that, while doing this, he’s for me!
Yes, medical people are an odd lot. It’s been 6 years of domestic bliss and I wouldn’t change a thing.
If I was single, I would definately try online dating. Have you all seen that show ‘Log in for Love’ on TLC?
Christine said on 03.26.06 at 07:11 AM • [link]
I met my husband at a comic book store, when my crazy housemate, the ex-green beret, insisted I come on a shopping trip with him to ‘meet his new friends’ - the guys who ran the store. I took one look at him, he smiled, and the rest was history: we were married 8 months later. 13 years and going strong. Must be something to that wacky love at first sight thing.
Suisan said on 03.27.06 at 05:38 AM • [link]
I met my husband at the circus.
Yep.
I ran away to join the circus and ending up meeting another middle-class kid who had done the same.
(Our kids are going to have a tough time rebelling against us, I fear.)
EvilAuntiePeril said on 03.27.06 at 04:46 PM • [link]
just about every major internet community I’ve participated in has spawned at least one marriage says susanw.
Which begs the question… When’s the first smartbitch wedding? Have a perfectly good bridesmaid frock or three to lend out in the event. (One purple&black, one black&white and one blue with matching shoes and all pretty tasteful, if a bit formal for everyday use - luckily, my friends/family are better-looking than me, so there’s never been a need to make me look vile in a puce-ruffled meringue to boost the ego of bride, groom or family pet). Can also send along raspberry-fudge torte and cheese and pickle sandwiches for the buffet. I’ll even cut off the crusts.
Maybe DeSalvo secretly lurks and is developing a crush on one of us ‘cos of our exquisite feminine delicacy? That could explain the coded emails I’ve been getting from Gregariously L. Bowls, Ottokar Goguen and Borislav Twelveinch.
Victoria Dahl said on 03.27.06 at 06:32 PM • [link]
>>Borislav Twelveinch<<
Is he single?
Hey, Suisan! You have to tell us more of your circus story!!! Please?
Kel said on 03.27.06 at 06:54 PM • [link]
I met my man of 4 years at work. And concerning online dating- I’ve seen too many relationships started online go bad to trust it. It’s too easy for men to use the computer to hide their weaknesses and brag themselves up. Face to face is still the way to go in my eyes.
KariBelle said on 03.27.06 at 07:55 PM • [link]
“And concerning online dating- I’ve seen too many relationships started online go bad to trust it. It’s too easy for men to use the computer to hide their weaknesses and brag themselves up. Face to face is still the way to go in my eyes.”
I can understand why you might feel squicky about something you had seen go wrong multiple times, but I have to wonder how many of these women you know were playing it smart. I am not trying to insult your friends, but I have seen some of my own friends do pretty dumb things for people they met online. I can’t imagine carrying on a courtship 100% online. I would find the man whose profile I liked and if he was also interested, try to arrange a meeting as soon as possible, in a public place, of course. That way no one gets attached before that initial meeting. This obviously does not work in the case of a long distance connection, but I don’t see why anyone would look for a long distance relationship. Those connections seem to be more random and unintentional. I live in a very small town and match.com still has about 150 men of a reasonable age for me, within 25 miles of me, and some of them look interesting. I have almost talked myself into doing it.
If one uses the internet as a means of locating a person with similar goals and interests I don’t see why a relationship that began on the internet would be anymore doomed than one that began in a bar or a classroom.
kel said on 03.27.06 at 11:45 PM • [link]
Well, it obviously works for some people, so I don’t see the harm in it.
And no, my friends weren’t dumb- just too hopeful and too unlucky.
But you got my point. At some point there has to be a face to face thing, and, imo, it should be done asap in an online relationship.
Suisan said on 03.29.06 at 06:47 AM • [link]
Hey, Suisan! You have to tell us more of your circus story!!! Please?
What more is there to tell? Seriously, I left home and family to join a one ring circus. I answered an ad in the local “horse for sale” paper, advertising for a groom with some experience around horses. Ended up working for a ninth-generation circus trainer, with nine horses, three ponies and a buffalo.
Future husband was an art college dropout who answered an ad in the Village Voice. He was drunk the first night I got there, and as I was unpacking my bags and sweeping various bits of drug paraphenalia from the floor of my “sleeper” he laid down on the floor to a) look up my skirt, and b) introduce himself. Somehow he was the most normal person I met there.
My parents were so proud when I returned from the circus—I brought home a boyfriend. A Jewish boy from Brooklyn, whose parents were both public school teachers. Really, if I had just hung around the student union of the local art college I could have brought a similar guy home.
But he’s funny, takes no “guff” from anyone, and is very dedicated to his family. We’re married twelve years and have three kids. I even kind of sort of almost keep in touch with some of the circus folk we once knew.
If you watch Woody Allen’s “Alice” you can see the back of his head.
Victoria Dahl said on 03.29.06 at 06:50 AM • [link]
Very cool story. Thanks for indulging me!
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