Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Everything I Need to Know: Second Try

Today’s advice letter is all about taking the risk with a person for the second time after the first time didn’t work out.

Dear Sarah:

I love that you have an advice column called “Everything I need to know I learned from Romance Novels.”  I haven’t noticed any topics on relationships (although maybe I just missed those emails) so I thought this was a great opportunity for you (to be well rounded advisors capable of dishing on any topic) and me (although mostly me, because you could probably do without complicated questions from confused women). I recently reconnected with my ex-boyfriend, which doesn’t sound so great on paper I know.  Our relationship was on and off for 2 years - we love the same movies and sports and activities and have the same sense of humour, and we really “clicked”...well sometimes…The other times he was really unreliable and I felt that I played second fiddle to the rest of his personal life - his ex, and his friends and family - which would make me hurt and angry, and consequently we fought a lot.  I made a clean break two years ago… read more »

Everything I Know: Agent Drama

Sometimes I get questions about life, and sometimes I get questions about the politics of the writing business. Here’s one of the latter.

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

You’ve said that you won’t reveal the names of the people who write to you for advice, and I really hope that’s true. I’ve got a problem and I’m really not sure what to do. I have the most amazingly talented critique partner. I think she’s amazing, I love her writing - I can’t say enough good things about her.

The thing is, I think her agent just blows. We’re not represented by the same person, and I don’t want to upset my critique partner but some of the things her agent does are just awful. Her agent doesn’t respond to phone calls at all, and requires that she set up an appointment even to discuss an upcoming project by email. The agent is unsupportive of my CP’s ideas, and tells my CP not work on projects that I know specific editors are looking for. The agent encourages ideas that are not at all my CP’s strengths or interest, and seems… read more »

Everything I Need to Know: Friendship

Time again for Romance Solves All Your Problems, except for that one with the thing that you didn’t tell your doctor about, naughty naughty.

Today’s letter is about friendship. Sort of.

I have this friend I’ve known for seven years.  She’s unemployed and uninspired to find a job because she can mooch off of everyone, including me.  So she spends her time blogging about her latest month-long boyfriend and telling the world how much she loves him, until he tells her he wants to spend time with his friends without her because she monopolizes his attention.

She gets pissed off and threatens to leave him and tells the whole wide internet what an asshole he is—and people agree with her and say that if they lived near her they would burn his house down.  I am the lone reader who tells her she’s being irrational and selfish and The Boy Needs Friends.  Big mistake.  I’m attacked by her and her house-burning readers, because True Friends always have your back and agree with you no matter what.  They don’t pull that Dan Savage crap, because that’s mean and cruel and if I don’t… read more »

Everything I Need To Know: All My Exes Outside Texas

Time for another advice question, solved with the power of Lurrrve™ and the wisdom of Ye Olde Romance Novels.

Dear SB Sarah:

I need advice.  I am a 32 year old professional woman.  I have never been married, have no kids, and have had 3-4 seriously significant relationships in my life.  The problem is this - every one of my exes have contacted me this past year.  Starting with the Very First Real Boyfriend and ending with last year’s therapy sessions. In the space of six months every man I have ever told I loved (there have been 3 of them) and every man I have ever almost thought it was possible to love (there have been 4 of them) contacted me.  Most of them wanted to tell me how happy they are with their lives.  How much they loved their wives (5 of them are married) and how perfect things are with them. They all asked about me and how I was and then proceeded to lose their minds.  The one thing they all had in common was their need to tell me what an amazing girl/woman I was and… read more »

Everything I Need To Know: I Want My Buddy Back

It’s time for advice, romance novel stye, with your host: me.

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I saw last week you answered a question from a guy, so I thought maybe you could help me out. One of my best pals is a guy I’ve known since grade school. He’s dating this girl now, and he’s a completely different person. He used to be funny and goof off with us when we went out together, and now he’s all quiet and constantly answering his cell phone when she calls to check up on him. He never talks anymore, or makes jokes or relaxes anymore. We don’t go out that much, maybe once or twice a month, but when we do, the rest of us are fed up with him by the end of the evening because he’s no fun anymore.

How do I get my friend back?

Missing my Buddy but Not in a Gay Way

Everything I Need to Know: Husbandly Questions

It’s time once again when the email queries of those seeking advice are answered by the power of Greyskull and the wisdom of romance novels.

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I’m sure you’re going to bust my ass for this question, but I’m going to ask it anyway. You promised not to reveal identities so I’m holding you to it.

My wife reads a ton of romance novels. She loves them. I’ve got no problem with that, but my question is this: how is a real life man supposed to measure up to all the sexy men and incredible sex in these novels? How can I compete with that?

Signed, Worried Husband

Everything I Need To Know: Critique Group Problems

It’s time once again when the email queries of those seeking advice are answered, Smart Bitch style.

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I’ve been a member of a critique group for a few years now, and the three of us have developed a wonderful dynamic. I know my writing is better because their questions and comments. Recently, though, one of the members asked if she could bring a friend into the group, and we agreed.

It really isn’t working out. At first I told myself that it was because I was so used to my critique group’s style that hers was so irritating. But after the third or fourth time we examined a chapter of her work in progress, I realized it wasn’t just me.

What’s really bothersome is that she doesn’t listen to our critiques at all. I’ve tried to focus my comments on one issue per chapter, and yes, I do make sure to say something complimentary, but she doesn’t listen or make any changes. She seems to want admiration more than critique. She doesn’t ever make critical comments on our work, and only praises us and asks… read more »

Everything I Need to Know: Big Ribbon Gifts on a Shoestring Budget

It’s time once again when the email queries of those seeking advice are answered with the wisdom of romance novels. Today’s letter reads:

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

You’ve been posting a lot of gift ideas lately, and while some of them are hilariously awesome and adorable and I giggle at the idea, the fact is, I’m broker than broke. I was low on funds before the market went down, and now that things are really tight, I’m having trouble with student loans for next term, rent, food, everything.

I do, however, have an awesome girlfriend, and I adore her. We started dating in October, and I’m so, so happy. I’d love to get her something special, but so far everything I come up with is way out of my budget. She’s from a pretty well-off background, and I can’t even think of anything she couldn’t easily get for herself. She loves romance novels (and she loves your site so I hope she doesn’t guess who I am!) but the idea of giving her one book doesn’t really encompass everything I want to say.

Do you have any gift ideas… read more »

Everything I Need To Know: Finding More Time

It’s time for your favorite part of the week, when folks email me their questions and I draw on way too much romance novel reading (is there such a thing? Nah, hell no) to craft the answer.

I have a really silly problem, but it’s really driving me nuts, and I thought you might have some good advice for me. Basically: I don’t have enough time. I work part time, I have three children, a husband, dogs, etc, and I really, really want to write more. I have a blog that I update with little things now and again but I really want to find more time to write. And I just can’t find it between work and home and life and kids and school and the PTA and fourteen million bake sales. Every day I promise myself I’ll do it - and then I get to the end of the day and there’s no time left before I pass out from tiredness. Any ideas or suggestions?

Signed, Busy and Wanting More To Do

Everything I Need to Know: Everyday Heroes and Heroines

It’s true: the secrets to all of humanity’s mysteries are within romance novels. Srsly. Including where your keys are hiding. And your odd socks. 

Today’s letter is from Running Hard, who writes:

Recently I joined a gym, got in shape, and have joined a competitive cross coutnry team in my area. My husband is not as attentive to his physical health, and recently was told by our doctor that unless he changes his schedule to make room for exercise, he’ll have major problems soon from high blood pressure to diabetes. I know he needs to work out more. He knows it, too. The problem is, he doesn’t show any interest in doing it, no matter how many times I invite him to join me or ask him to take better care of himself. I’m at a loss as to what to do, and he’s increasingly grumpy and uncommunicative about it. What would you suggest?

Everything I Need to Know: Smart Bitch Advice

Welcome to another edition of Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Romance Novels, where I attempt to give advice. Or talk out of my ass. Or both!

Today’s letter comes from Frustrated, who is friends with an aspiring novelist.

My longtime friend and I have always talked about writing a romance novel. Recently she finished writing a novel that she’s enormously proud of. I’m proud of her for finishing it! Now here’s the problem: she wants me to help her get it published. A guy I used to work for now works for a publishing house in New York, and she wants me to send it to him. He’s in the accounting department, for one thing, and for another, I haven’t spoken to him in over two years. I’d feel really weird and awkward asking him for a favor.

The other problem is that I don’t think her novel is really very good, but she doesn’t really listen to my opinion because, as she says, I’m not really qualified to critique her book. She asked another mutual friend of ours to read it after I did, and… read more »

Everything I Need To Know, I Learned from Romance Novels

Greetings! Welcome to the inaugural post of what I hope will be a continuing feature, wherein I attempt to give advice that’s thoughtful, cranky, and based on the myriad facets of knowledge I’ve gleaned from a shitload of romance novel reading. I’ve heard people say that they’ve learned vocabulary and historical knowledge from romance novels that appeared on the SAT or other standardized tests for academic evaluation. Certainly that was true for me. And I’ve heard many people whispering about the sexual knowledge they’ve obtained from erotica and romance novels, for both their own sexual satisfaction and that of their partners - booyah, says I.

But I also think that romances teach a lot about human psychology, because romances deal with protagonists at their most vulnerable. Is there an emotional state more precarious than, “I really like that person, and I hope they like me, too?” So, I’ll attempt in this feature to answer questions based on, you guessed it, the great sociological and psychological examination of humanity that is The Enter Romance Genre.

No pressure or anything.

Smart Bitch Advice: Finding a Critique Partner

The following arrived in the inbox of massive numbers yesterday:

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I was reading the threads as the GH and RITA nominees were announced, and saw that a few people posted on behalf of or in congrats to their CP - critique partner. My question is this: How do I find a critique partner?

Smart Bitch Advice

I received an email message from an aspiring writer who wishes to remain anonymous, but who asked for my ever-so-stellar advice with the following problem:

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

You gave some damn-sharp advice the last time someone wrote to you, so I wanted to ask your help with my problem. I’m part of a critique group of four writers, and while one of them, let’s call her “Ann,” is amazing and so helpful when she reads my work, the other two are less helpful. “Beth” gives comments and critiques that are very minimal, so I’ve learned to take her with a grain of salt. But “Carrie” is my problem. She doesn’t pull her share at all. She never meets our deadlines and has some excuse every time, and she doesn’t give our work half the attention she seems to expect for her own writing. I get nothing but frustration out of dealing with her and I seem to be the only one who finds her to be a flake. But I was invited to join the group by Ann, and I’m the newest member so I don’t want to cause trouble. Plus, Ann’s critique of my work in progress… read more »

We are not the only Bitches in town

An anonymous author has emailed me to ask for Bitchery advice about what to do when a former colleague and writing buddy turns green and cranky when you achieve success:

I noticed when I first signed with an agent, that my first writer friend kinda pulled away from me. I’d heard that she’d made some pretty unfriendly comments about me after I signed and questioned the integrity of the agent because maybe the agent only signed me because we had a great connection when we first met. Yeah, cuz you and I both know an agent can make a boatload of money off that “connection.”

Anyway, I let it slide because I knew she had been struggling with her writing and probably it was more her insecurity talking than it was our friendship.

Well, now it seems to have gotten worse. This was the first conference since I’d sold and I had several people report that my friend was talking bad about me…making snarky comments and just generally not being very nice. I haven’t confronted her because personally, I don’t need the negative energy. But it’s seems ironic that my first writing friend is not my first writing back-stabber.

Have… read more »