Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Everything I Need to Know: Curious Youngsters

It's been awhile, but I had a letter asking for advice this week, so welcome back to Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Romance Novels. It's not a book - that'd be EIKAL, which is a book - but it is advice and suggestions for romance readers who write in with problems that are sometimes befuddling. This week's letter comes from BSB, who writes: 

Dear Sarah: 

I have a very curious first grader who has taken to reading like a fish to water. I used to be able to read my romance books in plain sight without her understanding or caring about what I was reading. Now, if I pull out a book to read while she's watching television, I suddenly have a 48 pound backseat reader over my left shoulder asking what certain words mean. She's intrigued by all the books I have which features headless men and generous man titty. (She also thinks all the books about the same man because of the similar cover shots.)

And, the other night she asked me if the latest book I… read more »

Everything I Know About Love: Marriage Is What Brings us Together Today

Welcome to Everything I Know About Love, I Learned from Romance Novels, a column that pre-dates the upcoming book, but shares a title and the best of intentions: to demonstrate that many real-life problems can be examined with the strength and lessons of romance fiction. Today’s letter is about marriage.

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah,

I would love some advice from you and the Bitchery, regarding my rather contemporary guy problem.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost four and a half years and are still very much in love.  He was, and is, a wonderful, kind, gorgeous, caring man that I would be lucky to spend my life with.  After about a year of dating we started to throw around the, “well, someday when we get married…” talk.  Being raised in a community of drum-beating hippies where many of my friends parents shunned the patriarchal institution of marriage in favour of “life partnering”, I recognize that marriage is not a necessity, but it’s something I have always wanted.  I  thought that my very traditional, old fashioned BF felt the same way.

Now, fast forward a couple of years to one… read more »

Everything I Know About Love: Not That Kind of Secret Baby

Welcome to “Everything I Know About Love, I Learned from Romance Novels,” an advice column wherein folks write in with problems and I answer them with the wisdom gleaned from romance reading. Yup, this feature has the same title as the upcoming book - though this column came first. The focus is the same, however, and boils down to one simple concept: being the heroine of your own life isn’t easy, but it can be done. Today’s letter is about mixed signals about important matters.

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I’d love to get some help on my confusing guy and his (historical romance novel -ish) problem.

My boyfriend and I are very in love. We are in our early-mid twenties, so navigating conversations on what I’ll call “potential future children” can be somewhat tricky. I understand that we’re young and there’s always the possibility one of us could change our mind on children, on our relationship, or any number of things. Even if we did decide to have kids one day, it probably wouldn’t happen for another 6 - 8 years, so talking about it now can seem premature. What… read more »

Your Opinions Please: Romance Reading and Real Life

I’m still at work on the in-progress “Everything I Know About Love, I Learned from Romance Novels,” and I wanted to again humbly ask for your help and your perspective. You are among the smartest folks I know, anyway, so how can I not come begging? (I am almost done and promise not to do this in neverending annoyingpants fashion).

I’m currently working on how romances influence readers, and want to ask you:

Have romance novels helped you with real life relationships? How? Or, in the words of my least favorite essay questions, “Why or why not?” Which books left an impression on you for that reason?

From the book title, you can pretty much surmise my thesis. If I hadn’t learned anything, it’d be a really short (and very easy to write!) book indeed. But you are always welcome to disagree with me.

I’d love to hear what you think, about whether reading about courtships has perhaps changed the way you think of your own relationships, and whether romance has given you tools to improve yours.

Note: I absolutely mean to include sex in that question, so whether you… read more »

Your Opinion Please: The Ideal Romance Hero and Heroine Traits

I’m working on the new book-in-progress, “Everything I Know About Love, I Learned from Romance Novels,” and I wanted to humbly ask for your help and your perspective. I’m working on a chapter about the traits most commonly found in romance heroes and heroines (I’m also attempting to use the word “heroes” to describe both, but I think I may have to undo those in editing because hero seems to communicate to most people a masculine, not feminine, role).

What would you say the most common and essential traits are among romance heroes and heroines? Faithfulness? Honor? Strength? Creativity? Instant orgasms? What makes up the ideal romance hero or heroine - by the end of the book, anyway?

This is a very general question, but I’m also looking for specifics: based on the traits you value, which characters are your enduring favorites, and why? Is there a character or plot that was or is totally your “type?”

I am hoping to incorporate romance reader comments in the book, so if you would like to be included in the “quotable” area, please let me know that (a) I may quote you… read more »

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From Romance Novels: Advice, Friendship and Listening

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I’ll go on and ‘fess up. I’m unlikely to be a lead character in a romance novel. I’m the friend who helps one of the main characters talk it out and see sense. But I need to check myself here. After all, I could be wrong.

Because of fractal theory (aka, it never rains but it pours), Several of my friends have been involved in some manipulative relationships, including one friend actually does the manipulating. She said being irrational is a good thing, because she can “act upset and get her boyfriend to pay attention to her”. Some of the things about her really help me slide things into focus when I give people on the receiving end of this advice.

The past couple of weeks, I’ve seen several instances where people causes problems for themselves or their loved ones by flying off the handle or not listening or something—this includes today when a co-worker (henceforth known as Daniel; not his real name) received a phone call from his girlfriend. This is the one that makes me want to check if I’m doing the right thing here.

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From Romance Novels: Porn vs. Romance

I recently discovered three advice email messages in the spam folder - which I feel really shitty about and I apologize. This letter came in mid-August, and while it’s been almost 2 months since it was sent, I wanted to answer it and discuss here because the romance/porn accusation is unfortunately perennial. That said, I don’t know if this person is still in this relationship and I don’t have an update.

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I have a general question for anyone who also loves romance that may be willing to help me untangle a sticky situation in my current relationship. I’ve loved romance novels since I was in my early teens, and they have become a pretty big part of my life since then. Unfortunately, I’m in a bit of a pickle with my boyfriend over the fact that I read them.

You see, he has admitted that at one point he was addicted to pornography, but literally threw all of his stuff away when we decided to move in together. I respect this decision on so many levels, and I’m very appreciative since I’ve had relationships where porn… read more »

Everything I Need to Know: Deciding What You Want

We’re back with Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Romance Novels, where, with ample romance backlist and as much objectivity as caffeine can provide, I give advice. Today’s letter:

Hi:

I am a long time lurker and I am in need of some advice. I have recently met a guy through an online dating site. We IM’d every day for 3 weeks (we also talked on the phone) and then met in person. That meeting lasted the entire day. We continue to talk almost everyday and have gone out again. I keep getting mixed signals from him. When we talk he sometimes references wanting a chance with me. But he is continuing to meet people on the dating site. Before we ever went out he told me he was a friends first and see where that goes kind of guy.

I am okay with that as that is how I operate. I just think that I would rather he didn’t reference dating me and telling me he is going on a date with someone else in the same conversation. I would be okay just being friends with him, but… read more »

Happy Dance

I left my desk for an hour today, and came back to find Twitter had exploded with the news that Yes, I can has book deal. I’m going to be writing a book for Sourcebooks for early 2012 titled, “Everything I Need to Learn about Romance, I Learned from Romance Novels.” It’ll be nonfiction, timed for a near-Valentine’s Day release, I think.

The book will look at different stages of relationships and how romance novels can serve as guideposts to people navigating normal relationship stuff. One thing that has always ticked me off is the accusation that reading romance novels gives women unrealistic expectations of real life, and I love having the opportunity to dismantle that hogwash page by page. I’ll be reaching out to authors, referring to scenes and books, incorporating real situations that people face - and I hope revealing more of the awesome women and men who write and read romance.

I’m excited and intimidated, which I presume is normal. But also: happy dance commences… now!

Everything I Need to Know: Revealing Weaknesses

Time for “Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Romance Novels,” where romance heroes and heroines demonstrate the way out of sticky situations.

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I have a work problem, not a romance problem, but I’m wondering if you could give me some advice. I have a work colleague who is driving me nuts. She and I have the same job, but I’ve been working at our company for about a year longer than she has. At first we got along great and I really liked her, but lately she’s been very different and I don’t know what to do. There’s a lot of little things that bother me, but I don’t want to get too specific because I think she reads your site, too - and because I don’t want to get fired.

When she first started, we found we had a lot in common. We had lunch together, we would go for drinks after work, and we’d email or IM during the day while we were working. I can’t figure out why or when it changed, but now she only IMs me or emails me… read more »

Everything I Need to Know: High School Mystery Redux

Time once again for “Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Romance Novels,” where, with the power of enormous backlist, romance solves relationship problems. If you’d like advice, feel free to email me at sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom. I never reveal names or locations, so don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.

Here’s this week’s letter:

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I’m a long-time lurker - having only commented a handful of times - but one mystery has been constantly on my mind lately… and after driving all my friends crazy about it, I thought I might graduate to driving Smart Bitches crazy. I think I’m in dire need of the Everything I Need To Know clue gun. 10 years ago I went to high school with a guy who stared at and followed me for two or three years. Deep, straight-at-my-face, eyes-following-my-every-step-as-I-moved stares. I saw him with at least three different girlfriends in that time, but he went on staring at me, even when he was with them. At first I thought he might have a crush on me, and I was flattered as he was very cute (and I’ve never… read more »

Everything I Need To Know: Secret Romance

Dear Smart Bitches,

I’m hoping to get some “Everything I need to Know…” Advice. First, we should probably be looking to the contemporaries on this one. I am a 19 year old female, and a college student. I am very aware of my youth and ignorance which I’m sure is skewing my views on this issue, so I need both an outside perspective as well as one of a more mature audience. I have fallen for a 31 year old man. (Yes, big surprise! No one saw that coming! My situation is totally unique!) But the fact remains I still don’t know what to do.

We get along so wonderfully – right from the moment we met, we both felt that special connection. But I am afraid to let myself love him and imagine a future with him. I doubt our ability to have a future together. I have kept his age and details hidden from many of my family and friends, and he is most likely doing the same. We have briefly spoken on the subject, but that was when we first met, so I didn’t have a sense of… read more »

Everything I Need To Know: Abuse, Or Not Abuse?

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

My husband is madly supportive, affectionate, loving and constantly put me before himself. But he can also be an abrasive, opinionated person and likes a good heated discussion. I, of course, love this about him. But other people don’t. In fact, I have a friend who is encouraging me to leave him, to the point where she claims he’s sleeping around on me, that he’s holding me hostage (I’m a stay-at-home mom. It lets me take care of a special needs child and gives me time to write.) Last time I talked to her she called me a sucker for staying with him, and said that he knows I’ll put up with any kind of abuse and still stay with him. Abuse?? What abuse?? Now she has her friends sending me emails and IMs urging me to leave him, telling me that I’m better than that, and even offering me a place to stay! I have to socialize with her because she runs in the same circles as me, so a nice “Fuck off” is a no-no if I want to keep my life peaceful. But what can… read more »

Everything I Need to Know: Dropping Hints

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

I know this guy, and we’ve been friends for a long time. I’ve always been attracted to him, but he’s never really made it clear how he feels about me. Sometimes there will be a moment when he says something and is looking at me in a way that makes me wonder if he’s trying to communicate something more, or he’ll do something incredibly kind out of the blue, but never anything definite.

The problem is, I’ve got a terrible crush on him, and I don’t know what to do next. If I make a move, it could ruin the way things are now. If I don’t, I’ll always wonder. What would you - or a romance heroine - do?

Signed,

Confused

Everything I Need to Know: Changing Everything

It’s time for Thursday’s trek to advice-land, where all your problems can be solved with the wisdom of romance novels.

Dear Smart Bitch Sarah:

You know that saying “the penny dropped?” My penny just dropped and I’m not sure what to do because the penny is huge and it changes everything.

I’ve been content, I guess, with my life until recently. I have a decent job that’s steady and pays ok, and I have a boyfriend who I hang out with a lot, and he’s fun and a very good guy, and everything was comfortable.

Then while reading the news I read about this young woman who sold everything she owned to found a home for orphans in Nepal, and since I read it I have been thinking about it constantly. I don’t necessarily want to go to Nepal, but I’m boiling with the need to do something, to leave now and make a difference somwhere else. I’ve been researching the idea incessantly, from the Peace Corps to teaching English in Japan and working for travel guides in small countries in need of tourist business.

The trouble is, I’m… read more »