Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

HaBO: His Brother Gave Her… Something.

This HaBO request comes from Heather, and seriously, I couldn't make this plot up if I tried, even if I tried after two bottles of wine and some bivalves. 

Heather writes: 

I am trying desperately to find this novel I nicked from my grandmother when I was about sixteen (so published 2000 or earlier) and Google just won't cough it up, no matter how many details I remember!

It was a contemporary romance, either Harlequin or Silhouette. The heroine was a pregnant woman whose name was Dulcibella de la Torra (I'm not 100% positive on the spelling of the last name), and she was the daughter of a rich man who I think might've disowned her. Her true love was the hero, a doctor named Christopher/Cristobal (both names were used for him interchangeably), but her husband and the father of her baby was his lousy screw-up brother who had just disappeared. After the brother's disappearance, Dulcibella leaves their native country (I *think* it was Peru) and comes to Chris in the U.S for help, because his family has a curse… read more »

HaBO: She Smells like Strawberries. Yuck?

Lia is looking for a book she read awhile ago - this sounds rather amazing: 

It was a Harlequin series romance. It might have been a Temption, but it could be another line as well. Pretty sure on the Harlequin bit, though and it was probably published late 80's or early 90's.

It was a story about a Plain Jane, who I believed was named Jennifer. She is either on the run because she has seen something she was not supposed to see or is dropping off something of an illegal nature, but obviously dimwitted enough to take strange parcels with her on a plane to a South American country. She ends up in Rio (I believe) and is rescued out of the clutches of some evil-do'er by the hero. He is named something in the region of Dominic or Deveraux.

Anyway, Plain J ends up under his guard in his appartement, but she is unimpressed by hero's protection strategy of locking her up in his appartement, whilst she is in Rio and there is some little party… read more »

HaBO: Her Great Aunt is Searching for a Book

I received this email from Dorothy, who is searching for a book on behalf of her great aunt: 

Dear Smart Bitches,

(That felt really naughty! Are you sure you don't mind being called that?) [SB Sarah: Nope! Don't mind at all!}

I was wondering if you could help a bitch out? My great-aunt has been reminiscing about her first steamy romance, borrowed from the public library a couple of years ago (bear in mind, I'm not sure how steamy a book has to be to qualify as such in my great-aunt's eyes).

She can remember very few details, but I would still love to have a go at finding it for her. She said it was set in France in the 1700s and that the hero and heroine are being hunted down by some faction. They may be trying to make it to Holland. And suspense is created because they're frequently apart and wondering if they'll see each other again, if the other is safe, if he or she be waiting at such and such a spot.

And then they'll meet… read more »

S-HaBO-Day: Uh Oh, She Left it On the Bus

Mou sent in this request for a book she left on the bus some years back: 

I read this medical romance from M&B maybe 10 years ago, and never quite got over the fact I left it on the bus. It happens on a remote New Zealand(?) island.

The resident doctor, our heroine, is quite, shy, compassionate and very very good at her job. The incoming doctor (the hero), who shall support her, is flying in and she goes to pick him up as there's a storm. They don't get along well, because he's incredibly private and withdrawn, and rebuffs all her approaches.

But they work well as a team, and he kisses her and then calls her a slut? Later we come to know that he lost his baby daughter who drowned in a swimming pool because her mother was too busy partying? The little girl had a strawberry birthmark on her cheek and his ex-wife had hated the imperfection - he no longer trusts any woman?  

There's also, I think a part where our heroine operates on… read more »

S-HaBo-Day: He Calls Them All “Meg”

This email comes from Laura Hunsaker, who seeks an old category romance: 

Ok so I read this book back in the early 90s and I don't remember the title or author. It was either a Harlequin or Silhouette and the heroine's name was Meg. She was a maid in this lord's house and I remember a scene where she fought off the advances of a guest with a fire place poker. It turned out she was Lady Meg. A stipulation of her inheritance was she work as a maid for 6 months, without divulging her station so she could better appreciate Those who depended on her. At the end, the hero is drunk and miserable, banging prostitutes and calling them Meg. Then he sees her and tells her not to pretend to be a lady-she could get in trouble. Then her secret is revealed and they live happily ever after.

Nothing more romantic than banging prostitues and using his lost love's name. I'm telling you, do not mistreat the Magic Hoo-Hah, for that way lies complete batshit… read more »

HaBO: A Librarian Needs Your Help!

This HaBO is from Sarah (not me) on behalf of a library patron: 

I love the HABO feature as a librarian, but I hardly ever get asked to identify specific romance novels, in fact people hardly ever ask me anything besides where they are, which is sad. Anyway, today I had a patron call with epic HABO need, and I thought you might be able to help where I came up blank—though I am now scratching my head as well as it sounds super familiar. Here’s the details: The book was published in the last 2-3 years, and is set in generic 17th -18th century (probably regency) and the heroine is married to a man who has never consummated their marriage because he is not attracted to women, but the heroine thinks it is her fault (of course), and the mother-in-law is desperate for a heir (also of course) so MIL comes up with a scheme to obtain an heir since her son, who is a dandy, is not going to ever step up to the plate as… read more »

S-HaBO-day: Pirates and Sisters and Sequels!

This request comes from Stephanie, who has some excellent old skool plotlines running amok in her head: 

Hoping the Bitchery can help me out. I'm looking for a book that I first read in the early 80's, but I think might have been published in the late 70's and definitely full of Old Skool WTFery. It was one of a pair, and I only remember a few details. Both books were titled after the Heroine, and if my memory serves the first book started with an A.

On to the plot: It's the War of 1812 and a young woman winds up being transported on a privateer along with her sister who is the star of the sequel? I think she was rescued from English pirates. The first mate on the privateer is a woman (of the low cut, flouncy white shirt, knee high boots and two rattling sabres variety). The captain is oblivious to the first mates lustful gazes and only has eyes for our heroine. but, because he is a privateer he cannot possibly sully her innocence. They arrive at Barataria… read more »

S-HaBO-day: String of Pearls. No Not Like That!

This HaBO is from Krysta, who has a tough one for you. She doesn't remember much, but what she does remember is rather epic in the "Whatnow?"

Ok, so I have a book that I read about 14 years ago, when I was at the tender of age of much-to-young-to-be reading-romances! I honestly can't tell you a lot about the plot of this contemporary romance except that there was a heroine, who may or may not be in some sort of trouble, and a hero, who may or may not be some sort of government agent, and-to my preteen mind-lots of sexin' going on. It seems I also remember most of the action happened on an island...maybe the book was about some sort of hidden treasure? There was definitely an explosion in the end of the book, possibly a house, possibly the island... Could I possibly be more vague? The best clue I can give you for this book is one of the sex scenes, which my 11 year old brain translated as the most… read more »

HaBO: Cheating Wankers and Happy Endings

This HaBO comes from Rebecca: 

...I find I'm a bitch needing help! I warn you, vagueness is about to happen...

I am looking for a book I read a while back, I think it would have been around the year 2000 or even slightly before. I got it free from a magazine, something like Cosmo/Elle/Marie Claire (UK versions) or other women's magazines like this that I was obsessed with back then! Anyway... the story was set around the heroine whom at the beginning of the book finds her boyfriend in bed with another woman (I remember in the opening scene, as the h is leaving the corner of the duvet the cheating boyf is using to cover his modesty gets caught in the h's car door and she drives off with duvet still attached to her car). So, the h goes to her friends house for much female vilifying about the cheating bum, one of her friends suggests that they all make the most of their single status and sleep with as… read more »

HaBO: Time Travel with Guns n’Roses

This Help a Bitch Out is from Wench, who is hopeful that one of you will recognize this book:  

So after seeing the might powers of the Bitchery find titles to the most obscure books possible, and having zero luck with my own googling, here's my HaBO.

I originally read this some time in the 90s. Our Heroine finds herself back in Ye Olde Colonial Times, inhabiting the body of a woman from that time who has a younger plot-moppetish sister. Either the heroine or the woman she's possessing falls in the river and hits her head, and I think that's how this whole bunch of shenanigans get started.

She meets Our Hero, who is a furniture maker, who might be named Nathaniel. It's heading up on the Revolution, so things are in a state of serious unrest. The heroine's "father" is awful and terrible, and I think she runs away with Our… read more »

HaBO: OUCH. SPLINTERS.

Feeling like HaBOs on a Saturday morning? Let's do this! A HaBO from Ruthie: 

I have a HABO for you. I suspect this was a Loveswept or Silhouette Desire from the late 80s / early 90s. I remember it as the first romance I read where I really fell HARD for the wounded hero. Who was, if memory serves, kind of an alphahole. Here's what I remember: This was a contemporary series book. At the beginning, the hero is At War (Where, in the late 80s/early 90s? Am dying to know if it was some made up war.), and he's carrying on a torrid correspondence with the heroine, who is mousy and shy. When things get steamy, she sends him a picture of her (much hotter) sister.

Then hero gets wounded and is dying and (I think!) they get married over the phone. Or something. Because he's dying, so why not? When the book begins, she's picking his not-dead ass up at the airport. He's wounded --… read more »

HaBO: A YA of Some Epicness

I received this email from Coco, who is hoping to find a book that was memorable in a not-entirely-good-way so she can read it again. Trouble is, I didn't believe her the first time I read her email as to how 0_o this book might be: 

Kind of a HABO but I know the title. You know how some romance books in the past often were rapey? I remember reading Liz Berry's Easy Connections when I was still in junior high in the mid-80s and being enraged at the wtfery.

This was a ya novel that had a young girl get raped by a rock star, discover she was pregnant, then have the rock star engage in some serious stalkeresque behaviors. Of course it's a love story! So I know the title, but I can't track down a copy at any library in my state. Anyone have a copy I could buy for less than the ridiculous prices listed on Amazon? Or could someone re-read and post a review?

I really… read more »

HaBO: She Read it in Greek

Maria is looking for a book she read a very long time ago - and this HaBO may be quite tricky: 

I have the plot of a book I read ages ago stuck in my head, but I cannot remember either author or title. It is set in Australia (possibly New Zealand, but I am pretty sure it's Australia). The heroine's fiance elopes with her best friend shortly before the wedding. The best friend was also about to marry someone else, the hero. Hero and heroine decide to get married for practical reasons: he is about to land a big contract to work for a year in a tropical island-kingdom, but it is a very conservative place and they won't give him the job unless he is married, she has no job (she has left her home town and her job (as the town librarian, I think) because of the humiliation of being jilted and she needs to get away.

They marry and go to the tropical island, where the marriage becomes real, they… read more »

HaBO: Witchcraft, Paraffin, and Time Travel

Sarina is looking for two books she read a long time ago: 

The first one was a Mills & Boon or harlequin or something (the cover had been torn off) and in it the hero and the heroine are at a costume party at a historic house when they get they get transported back in time via a painting. He bets his watch at a poker game and gets them some money, then they pretend to be a married couple. They can't leave until they solve the mystery of who murdered someone in the house they got transported back in time. I read it in highschool, so it would have been published before 1998. The one thing that always stuck in my head is that they have sex in a rocking chair.

The other one I'm much fuzzier on, it was one of the first I would have read, and it was tattered when I read it, so published pre 1997 I think. It was set either in Salem or somewhere salem-ish, and all I… read more »

HaBO: Lock the Shipbuilder

This request comes from Kim, who is looking for a shipbuilder romance: 

I've got a HaBO for you. I've recently been reading Sarah Vowell's Hawaii book, and it reminded me of a book I read about ten years ago. The book was, if I recall, not particularly recent when I came across it (most likely in one of the bags of books that my mother traded back and forth with her friends and then passed on to me), but it was also not particularly old school, so it might have been published anytime in the 90s. I've tried googling around, but, alas, no luck. So here's what I remember:

--It takes place primarily on the east coast (possibly Baltimore, but definitely in a city with a port), during the 19th century. --The hero's name is Lachlan or some variant thereof; people call him Lock. He is, or was, a shipbuilder. I have vague recollections of some sort of tormented relationship with the past (shocking in a romance novel, no?). --I can't remember the heroine's name, but she came from Hawaii (possibly somewhere else… read more »