Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

HaBO: Silver Haired Spies

Aimee is looking for a book that she remembers from years ago - but can only recall a few sketchy details: 

I am desperately (in bodice ripping fashion) hoping that you can help me with the title of a 80's-90's romance. The basic plot centered on a female British spy/code cracker working as a ladies maid who has to downplay her looks, especially her "silver" hair .... the book made a big deal about the hair color.

A strange and fascinating stranger arrives who turns out to also be a spy. There is intrigue, mayhem, then yadda yadda yadda the hero kidnaps the heroine and drags her to America by boat to help stop a plot orchestrated by Napoleon. I think the bad guy was referred to as The Spider. There is the requisite horrible misunderstanding when they arrive in America, driving them apart before foiling the plot, while the heroine wears a fabulous gown that in description would rival Grace Kelly's gold costume dress in "To Catch A Thief".

I would… read more »

HaBO: This Hero Sounds like A Giant Piece of DooDoo

Libby is looking for a book that she's been searching for, and honestly, I was skeptical it was a romance. Libby swears it is. Read on, and experience douchebag hero! 

I read it ages and ages ago, when I was wee and young (possibly somewhere in those muddled and traumatic teenage years). It was a historical romance set in Russia, I think, with a hero who is deliciously hot, but suffers from ennui. Like, chronically. I remember that he either was married or gets married, and makes it a habit to go gallivanting around Russia having affairs while his wife is left at ye olde homestead to pine for him.

At some point she gets pregnant and he is either wildly turned on or can't give a damn. I don't remember. But I do remember that there may have been a dubious sort of ending in which he promises to TRY not to wander, cheat, and ignore her, but no guarantees because he gets majorly bored and NOTHING helps.

I *said* it was a… read more »

HaBO: Hot Spaniard Tycoon Romance Lost in the Storm

Mary has written in looking for a book she lost in Hurrican Sandy: 

Ok, so I lost all of my books in the recent hurricane sandy on the East Coast and I was wondering if you experts could identify a particular romance novel I used to have, but unfortunately cannot remember anything about it other than the story. I believe it was written in the 1990's by a female author from the UK.

The cover had a face of a woman sitting in the sun, with a large sunhat covering her eyes and a small smile on her lips.

The story was about this young british girl who is working in a hotel, cleaning the room of this rich Spanish businessman (I think his name was Luis) He is very arrogant but handsome and he makes a deal with her, hiring her to replace his ex fiance (who she looks like) He buys her a makeover and takes her to stay with him in Spain. At first they don't get along, but… read more »

HaBO: The Best Grab Bag Gift Ever

Lyra is looking for a book. It is one epic fight-em-and-fuck-em (TM Candy) old skool romance, from the description: 

Dearest Font of Knowledge, ie- Bitchery I come seeking help in recovering a book I read ages ago. I won't lie to you, it's something of a wallbanger, but it's one of those you keep reading in the hopes that one of the leads will kill the other just to put us all out of our misery. "But Lyra, why would you want to find a book that bad?" you ask. A very good question- see I'm going to a White Elephant christmas party, and I plan to bring the pain. I've got all my fingers crossed that one of my male co-workers picks it too!

Anyway, onto the book. Um, from what I can remember it takes place in some time between the regency and civil war (you know that black hole that so many "historical" books fall into). Basically the heroine's from England. She's supposed to marry some guy, but the jealous lady villan wants his man meat more. So… read more »

HaBO: She Didn’t Get to Finish the Book

Vera is searching for book she first encountered on vacation many years ago: 

On to business. Sadly, I didn't read a lot of romance novels when I was a kid. I still don't, in fact; in my moments of weakness I find there's a lot of, erm, well-written fanfiction to see me through (holla, "Fitzwilliam Darcy, Gentleman" trilogy. I read ALL of you back when you were still archived at pemberley.com...). Anyway, this is a long way of saying I had absolutely no idea what I was up against when I came across a mystifying, mysterious, and ultimately deeply engrossing romance paperback in the ski village condo we'd rented for the week. The cover looked like a blend of Gone with the Wind the Eighties--but that is still true for quite a few novels today, so that may not be helpful.

The novel was something vaguely Western/Gold Rush. There may have been a long family history and a series of subsequent (or prior) books; certainly there was a pretty involved family tree at the front… read more »

HaBO: That is One Hell of a Subplot

Melanie is looking for this book, and she can only remember one of the subplots. But, boy howdy, what a subplot it is: 

There is a book that I have been looking for for what seems like forever! I "borrowed" it from my mother during the early to mid-90s. I remember absolutely nothing about the main plot (which has obviously been a bit of a hindrance when it comes to finding the book!). I loved the subplot though and that's the reason I'm looking for it.

An actress (who I think is the main heroine's nemesis...maybe?) ends up with a cop who, like everyone else, thinks she is cold-blooded. She never seems to show emotions except when acting and even when she's confessing her feelings for him, her eyes seem fixed at a spot over his shoulder. It turns out she has a stutter/stammer and can only speak without it if she projects what she wants to say, like a script, and reads it. It's only when the cop is leaving her that the truth comes… read more »

HaBO: Don’t Mess with the Heroine When she has a Wineglass

Brandy is looking for this book, and first I thought it might be The Lion's Lady, which is far and away my favorite Julie Garwood novel, and then I thought it might be a novelization of The Phantom of the Opera, but I don't think I'm right on either count. Do you recognize this book?

I have done every Google, Biblio, Amazon, and other on-line search known to man. I even bought this software program that is supposed to help you track down mystery books. No luck! So I'm throwing myself at your feet and begging for mercy and an end to this obsession I have to identify this book! Why am I so fixated on this book? It was one of the first romances I ever read as an impressionable and innocent-but-wishing-I-wasn't teenaged girl, and it just resonated with me somehow.

Anyway, in the hopes that you will consent to throw this inquiry out to the Bitches Who Know Stuff I'll tell you everything I remember about the story...First it would have been published somewhere between 1978… read more »

HaBO: Now Those are some Awesome Google Searches

Joelle wrote in with the following request, and I'm hoping you're as entertained as I was - and that you recognize the book: 

I know you are probably swamped with requests to Help a Bitch Out but thought I'd try since this has been driving me crazy for months.

If you could only have seen the word combinations to which I've subjected the poor google search engine: "historical romance ranch mine half breed", "historical romance dead father train station move west mine", "romance kidnap indian cousin knife fight".... So before Homeland Security flags my IP address for racist, homicidal fetishes I thought I'd see if y'all would take pity on me.

HaBO: Brooding Cliche on a Hill

Susan has asked for your help finding a romance that sounds simply amazing. In the 0_0 sense. 

I've been able to correctly identify the vast majority of my former guilty pleasures, but there's one that eludes me, and I remember having SO much fun reading it. On to the description!

In this book, the Heroine is an intrepid young woman in the Victorian era (or one of those eras in which women were expected to sigh, faint, and wear a corset, while lounging around the house, eating bonbons). She accepts a job offer in a place that would send most women screaming for the hills; instead, our Job-Seeker runs in the opposite direction, towards a dark, forbidding house that resides on a cliff near the ocean.

HaBO: Mousy Brown Haired Girls Never Fall in Love

Rachel wrote in with this request for help, and while it's a longshot, I figured there was a chance someone here might know - or know of about 40 books that fit this description! 

I don't remember my first romance novel - I've no doubt it was a Harlequin of the mid to late 80s (and belonged to my mom who had a crap ton of them). I do remember the first romance I ever read after moving Egypt (that has bearing on the why I no longer remember the title or author of this book - I was 13, jet-lagged, scared, stressed, and excited so I did what any good teen would do. I read a book.)

It was a paperback of average Harlequin Presents length though it didn't appear to be Harlequin (possibly Mills & Boon cover or some other publisher I wasn't familiar with). I think I would recognize the cover if I saw it but I can't describe it other than there was a woman and a man...possibly in a passionate clinch. Really narrows… read more »

HaBO: Ring Any Bells?

When I posted this on the SBTB Facebook page, a few people said they wanted to read it, but no one could identify it. And Patricia Milton said that I'd missed a great opportunity to ask if this one "rang any bells," so Patricia, that headline is for you. 

Stella, who asks that we please excuse her English, writes: 

I am following this blog for some time and I hope you can help me find a book. The smart bitches are my last hope before I start thinking that I really imagine this book.

I read this book three years ago in my summer vacation and lost it. I don’t remember if it was older but I don’t think so. It was a little depressing because the heroine had some mental issues from her childhood, but I liked it and I wanted to reread it after a few months but I couldn’t find it and it’s driving me crazy for the last two years.

The book it’s a historical romance, taking place in USA (Boston,… read more »

HaBO: Seduction and Pork Chops!

Joni is looking for a book she didn't get to finish - 20 years ago: 

I have a HaBO request. Probably around 1989 or so, I was reading a book when I was babysitting someone's kids. She had a romance book that took place in the western 1800s and it was about a man and a wife who were trying to have a baby. The man decides that the only way his wife will get pregnant is if his brother sleeps with her.

The husband goes away on a trip and convinces the brother to seduce his wife. I know he suceeds in seducing her. Then I left the book at the lady's house and never got to the read the rest of it.

Anyone know this book? Please help me!

PS. Somewhere in the book, while the brother is seducing her, she is making porkchops and burns them. I don't know why I remember that.

Who here recalls the pain of burnt pork chops? Anyone recognize this book?

S’HaBO-Day: Eagle Tattoos

This inquiry comes from Kelli:

I was hoping you could help me out. So I know you do this sometimes, and if you get around to doing this for me I'm looking for a book I read a long time ago. I want to say I was maybe fourteen? So this book is at LEAST ten years old. I'm pretty sure it was a Silhouette or a Desire. I do not remember the author or the title of the book. What I do remember isn't much.

The Hero was Native American with long hair. He rode a motorcycle. He lived in a cabin with an outdoor tub. He had an eagle tattoo that our Heroine once outlined with the tip of her tongue.

Our Heroine falsely believes she is barren. She thinks this will turn off our hero. I think she had just recently been left by a man for the same reason.

The hero wasn't turned off by her being thought barren, but he was excited about not having to wear a condom. I do… read more »

S’HaBO-Day: More than One Hero Uses Cream?

This request made think I could identify the book myself, but I was wrong. Jane writes: 

HaBO: She is blindfolded. Her husband says Mr. So and So wants to do this to you.

I read this and can’t remember the title. Please help anyone?

A man marries a woman and the first one or more sex scenes have him using a cream in a jar for lubrication and then having quick sex with her - solely for producing an heir. It was not for his or her pleasure. She wanted to experience pleasure. So she asks him to treat her the way he treats his mistresses (or past mistresses or something like that). He gives her a warning about it, but she says she wants it. Then in one sex scene, he blindfolds her, has her laying on a bed, and tells her 3 or 4 men are there looking. Then he says Mr. So and So wants to do this to you. She says ok, and feels herself being touched. I think her husband is… read more »

S’HaBO-Day: Stinky Great Danes and Vigilante Blondes!

Kristy sent me this HaBO request that made me laugh way too loud: 

I read it as a teen/young twenty-something, so lets say it was from some time in the 90's.

It was a historical western. I have absolutely no memory of the hero - he must not have impressed me much. But the heroine was blond (I think) and pretty bad ass. She owned a ranch of some sort and it was in some sort of danger. The thing I remember most about this story is that she had a dog. A giant Great Dane named PU or p.u. or peuh! I don't remember how she spelled it - but she meant p.u. like "stinky".

Anyway, she was some kind of masked vigilanti, but our hero ended up recognizing her by her Great Dane dog. That's all I got. Anybody else remember the stinky Great Dane and the vigilanti blonde?

Historical western with vigilante blondes and stinky Great Danes? I kinda want to read this - and am definitely happy to know that it… read more »