Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Guess that Lonely Heart

You ready? It’s that time again - Friday contests, and Friday videos, too. Gotta love the start of the weekend. You know the drill - first to come up with the title of the book, the name of the author and the name of the heroine wins a Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢.

Bam! Right in the Kisser!

Bookish, curious and restrained psychologist seeks wind-swept romantic man to sweep me off my feet and reveal my adventurous, romantic soul. I’m in a Eire cottage by the sea, looking to find out who I am in the next six months. You can charm me with stories and never-ending glasses of wine, but really it’s your time and attention that will win my heart, along with those magic words. Without the words? I’ll break your damn nose.

Coronation Ceremony for Charis

Charis correctly guessed the answer to the Personal Ad Contest a couple of weeks ago, and lordy lord I’m finally remembering to post her prize. Kneel, Charis—in fact, all fours might be a good thing here—for we Smart Bitches dub thee:

Personal Ad Contest: This Time, It’s, Uh, Personal

Hey kids,

Once again, it’s time to play one of our sporadically-run Personal Ad Contests, wherein the first person to correctly guess the title of the book, the author and the name of the heroine (don’t forget that last, for the love of sweet baby Ganesh) will receive one of our impeccable and always-dignified Smart Bitch Aristocratic Titles.

Ready? GO!

Single scatterbrained female seeks to seduce and marry childhood hero and good friend who endowed me with a singularly unimaginative root vegetable nickname. The trick is getting him to see I’m all grown up; coshing on the head with a jug while we’re about to do the dirty deed should work, right? Right?

Coronation Ceremony for Becky

Hoorah! It is once again time for pomp, pageantry, and pompous whispering about who is wearing what - it’s another coronation ceremony! Becky has correctly guessed this week’s Guess That Lonely Heart: Hope Spencer from Rachel Gibson’s True Confessions.  Kneel, Becky, and arise a member of the Smart Bitch peerage!

Guess That Lonely Heart

It’s Friday, it’s the end of the working week, and therefore it’s time for someone to start the weekend off right: with a brand spanky new Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢. You know the rules: first person to correctly guess the author’s name, book title, and heroine’s name gets a taste of royalty, Smart Bitch style.

Yee haw!

Porsche-driving misbehaving flatlander with secrets seeks hot law-abiding man with his own set of hidden truths to sweep me off my feet, dance a slow two-step, and teach me the finer points of rocky mountain oysters. In return, maybe I’ll try yours. Gently.

Coronation Ceremony for Kate

Kate was the first to guess all the required information for our last Personal Ad Contest, and you know what that means… No, no, leave the shaved ferrets out of this, we save those for the LOLHOFF winners. Winning the Personal Ad Contest mostly means she gets bragging rights and this magnificent new Smart Bitch title. Kneel, Kate, for we Smart Bitches dub thee:

Personal Ad Contest, Part Whatever

Yadda yadda yadda IT’S FRIDAY and it just so happens that my steel sieve of a mind is not quite as sieve-y as normal, so we get a personal ad contest today. WOOOOOOOOOT. First person to correctly guess the title, author and heroine’s name will get a brand-spankin’ new Smart Bitch aristocratic title—and for a small fee, a brand-new spankin’ is also available to go with the title. We’re generous like that, we are.

Ready, set…GO!

Scarred young miss with a talent for horses seeks OMGHOT man for one night of passion. Why? Because my husband obeys the Law of the First Husband’s Wang, which states that any non-hero dude married to the heroine in a romance novel must suffer from some sort of erectile disorder. I need to get pregnant FAST, because if I don’t, my husband’s heir will inherit and he’s in a creepy cult. (Seriously, if we were in an episode of The Simpsons instead of a Georgian era romance, the dude would totally be humming “Nananananananananananananananana LEADER, LEADER.”) Are you the right man for me? I prefer them cute and heavily concussed from carriage accidents.

Coronation Ceremony for Tania

Congratulations, Tania, for correctly guessing the answer to last week’s Personal Ad contest. In honor of Gay Pride Month and the piratical theme of the contest, we created the following title just for you. Kneel, Tania, for we Smart Bitches now dub thee:

A REALLY belated personal ad contest!

Remember those? We used to have those regularly. And all that. In honor of the 164th Annual Plunderathon (anyone else going? I’m definitely going to be there, swashing my buckle and buckling my swash), I’m going to go with a pirate themed romance.

You regulars know the score. First person to correctly guess the author, title and heroine’s name wins the booty booty, consisting of one not-at-all landlubbery and only mildly scurvy Smart Bitch Aristocratic title.

Fire-breathing reformer seeks prisoner transport ship to expose appalling conditions faced by female prisoners. Am most decidedly NOT seeking a randy pirate captain and his randy pirate crew who are seeking a shipful of women as part of some sort of hare-brained utopian scheme—no matter how becoming your eyeliner may be.

Coronation Ceremony for Sarah Frantz

Congratulations to this week’s Guess That Lonely Heart winner Sarah Frantz who correctly guessed that our Lonely Heart was Zoey Redbird, from PC Cast and Kristin Cast’s Marked: A House of Night Novel. After many an attempt to guess our Lonely Heart, Professor Frantz has come in for the win.

Kneel, Sarah and arise a member of the Peerage:

Guess That Lonely Heart

It’s time for that bucket of Friday fun: you tell us the name of the character, the name of the author, and the title of the book, and be the first to do so, and we hook you up with a hoff-tastic Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢.

Tag, you’re it.

Young independent-minded woman, tagged suddenly to spend a totally different adulthood than she’d counted on, seeks similarly-minded slightly older man to help her navigate a new boarding school, a new life without involved parents, and a whole new set of bloody rules to live by. Must be willing to fit in with my brand new friends, and to tolerate my ability to consult with somewhat secretive night deity, and my instinctive dislike of self-involved fake girls who lead societies of secretive progeny and who’d totally like to get in your pants. That wench is so going down.

Coronation Ceremony for Elaine

A wicked battle of Google and wits, and Elaine emerges the victor. It was indeed Heath Champion from Susan Elizabeth Phillips’ Match Me If You Can. Kneel Elaine, and rise a member of the Smart Bitch Peerageâ„¢.

Guess That Lonely Heart

It’s Friday Friday Friday, with bonus Personal Ads!

You know the deal: give me the hero’s name for this one, plus the author and the title of the book, and you get a Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢ for your very own, with inclusion in the Smart Bitch Peerage.

FTW

Tall, hot, and handsome man bent on embracing gender stereotypes about jocks and businessmen seeks caring, cautious, and courageous woman to help me grow up, stop looking at superficiality, and learn to get juuuust a bit over myself. Must love football, travel, cabins, camping, and overgrown children disguised as professional sports players. In return, I promise, we could… go… all… the… way.

Coronation ceremony for Stephanie

Stephanie was the winner for our last Personal Ad contest, and you know what this means, bitches: Another inductee into the Aristocratic Bitchery.

Kneel, Stephanie, and ensure that your nursing bra is properly adjusted, for we Smart Bitches dub thee:

Guess that Lonely Heart

It’s been a while, kids, but here’s another one of those personal ad contest things. Woo, and also: hoo. Be the first to correctly guess the author, title and heroine of the book in question, and enjoy the admiration of your friends and the envy of your enemies as you parade around in one of our utterly awesome Smart Bitch aristocratic titles—now guaranteed to emit 75% less greenhouse gases than before.

SWF, curvy, poor self-esteem, not looking for anything in particular, though I’ve always had the hots for my incredibly young, incredibly good-looking stepfather. Yeah, mom is dead, but how many different flavors of wrong would it be if we were to hook up? Especially since he’s running the fashion empire she helped build and I’m the heir. It’d be wrong. So very, very wrong. Like, giving stepdaddy-a-blowjob-under-the-desk wrong. But also, hot.