Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Guess That Lonely Heart: Jaded and Plucky, Sitting in a Tree

It’s time for Guess That Lonely Heart, a game from way-back-when, where I give you the plot of a romance in the disguise of a lonely heart ad, and you tell me the heroine’s name, the title of the book, and the author’s name. The first to correctly name all three wins a patented, often coveted but never imitated (at least not that I’m aware of) Smart Bitch Title™, crafted lovingly by yours truly with that tricky Smart Bitch Technology (better known as “Photoshop.”)

Get ready, get set, and Guess that Lonely Heart.

Plucky, innocent and educated country miss miss seeks a jaded, titled man who is bored by everything, impressed with little, but not so morally bankrupt that he’d sleep with his mother’s lover’s wife, even if she’s naked and begging and he’s a randy teenager. Thank God. That would be a little too much. Must be passionate, sexually amazing, and possessing of that secret sensitivity that a plucky, innocent and educated miss like me would seek out like a homing missile, even when we’re both up to our ears in some ton scandal or other.

First to identify that lonely heart, the book and the author wins!… read more »

Coronation Ceremony for Amanda

It’s been awhile but it’s time to welcome another member of the Smart Bitch Peerage into our midst. Brush off your best curtsey (ZOMG I typoed “breast curtsey” which is AWESOME) as we assemble for coronation!

Amanda, for being the first to recognize Jude from Jewels of the Sun by Nora Roberts, we invite you to kneel for your title:

Welcome to the peerage - nice job!

Guess That Lonely Heart: Fairy Tales and Wine

Let’s take a trip with the Wayback Machine with an original feature of this here website: Guess That Lonely Heart!

Below, a lonely heart ad based on a romance novel. First person in the comment to give the title, author AND heroine name wins!

Frustrated tightly wound writer of fairy tales seeks bartender with gorgeous eyes who will welcome me to foreign land and keep refilling my wineglass until I can’t remember how much I’ve had. Exceptional singing voice optional, but always welcome. Siblings for sequel bait a plus!

Remember: you need to give me the title of the book, the author, and the heroine/hero name to win. First to get it wins… the oft-imitated but never duplicated Smart Bitch Title!

Coronations and Prizes!

It’s been awhile since I’ve had more than 10 minutes at my computer, alongside my sexy postage scale and my box o’prizes (which, for the record) the cats desperately try to sleep in, but I refuse to allow them to do so. They are miffed).

First, a coronation! After consulting with the Oracle of Bitchery Titles, I am pleased to confer upon Danica, who, about 18 years ago in Internet time, guessed The Seagull Book in a two-part Guess That Lonely Heart. Kneel, Danica, and arise a member of the Smart Bitch Peerage™.

Guess That Lonely Heart: No One Guessed The Seagull Book?!

I am stunned that there is yet an unsolved Guess That Lonely Heart. Stunned, I tell you. And so proud of myself, but that is not important here.

What is important, is that this book be recognized! And the person who identifies it gets titles and prizes! So! I post it again and add a clue. The first person to add up author name + heroine’s name + title of book will win a snappy fresh and guaranteed unsullied Smart Bitch Title™ AND a $10 gift certificate to Amazon.com.

Seagull loving real estate maven first initial B. seeks political cartoonist to inspire me to find confidence in myself, and perhaps also the long-nosed creature hiding in your pants, I mean, in your artistic aspirations. You might mock me and my efforts at helping other women in the beginning, but ultimately you’ll inspire me while I inspire you. And we’ll go to my reunion, or something, and then get it on till the breakadawn on a rug in front of the fireplace, with nary a mention of rug burn.

Guess That Lonely Heart: Seagull Edition

You know the drill: first person to add up author name + heroine’s name + title of book will win a snappy fresh and guaranteed unsullied Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢.

Seagull loving real estate maven seeks political cartoonist to inspire me to find confidence in myself, and perhaps also the long-nosed creature hiding in your pants, I mean, in your artistic aspirations. You might mock me and my efforts at helping other women in the beginning, but ultimately you’ll inspire me while I inspire you.

A Double Coronation Ceremony

We have two titles to give out today, one that is long overdue.

To Sula, who identified in one shot the correct answer to the Help a Bitch Out Regency Time Travel - With Boobies. Well played, Sula! Kneel, and receive your Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢.

And to Diane, who correctly identified this week’s Guess That Lonely Heart - indeed, it was Jill Levin from Lorna Michaels’ Season of Light. A Harlequin SuperRomance featuring…. JEWS! WOOO! Kneel, Diane, and arise with Sula a member of the Smart Bitch Peerage.

Guess That Lonely Heart: You Have Eight Days

OK - it’s late here on the east coast but it’s Lonely Heart time. Name the heroine, the book’s title, and the author’s name, and you get Le Smart Bitche Title.

Young advertising hotshot, home in Ohio for the holidays, seeks man from way back to sweep my off my feet. You’ll need to light my candles for eight crazy nights before I head back to New York.I’ll pitch you my ideas while you try to sell me on the idea of happily ever after. I’ve got great expectations for your chances to steak a claim on my heart.

Really belated coronation for Molly

Holy fucking shit! I think I’ve broken all records with the lateness of my coronation for Molly, who provided the correct answer for the last Personal Ad contest we ran about a month ago. Molly! Sorry this is late. Kneel, and be ye not alarmed by the pot of warm wax and the strips of cloth we have beside us (we assure you, it only hurts for a moment), for we Smart Bitches dub thee:

Personal Ad Contest: YA Romance edition

That’s right, kids, for this personal ad contest, we’re running a special Jailbait edition—heroine’s only 18, and no, it’s not a historical romance or an old-sk00l Harlequin Romance. First person to correctly shout out the heroine’s name, title and author will receive the rare and fabulous prize of one (1) Smart Bitch aristocratic title, guaranteed 100% inorganic and created solely using sweatshop labor.

Teenage girl with penchant for soft plaid shirts and punk music seeks cute, sensitive, queer-friendly fellow music geek to go on late-night adventures in New York City and help her forget her putz of an ex-boyfriend. In return, I’m willing to be your 15-minute girlfriend and help you forget your manipulative, slutty girlfriend.

Coronation Ceremony for Bettie

A few days delayed (my apologies) but no less of importance - a Smart Bitch Coronation.

Congratulations to Bettie, who correctly guessed last week’s Guess That Lonely Heart - it was indeed Jasmine Parks from Jennifer Rardin’s Another One Bites the Dust. Kneel, Bettie, and arise a member of the Smart Bitch Peerageâ„¢.

Guess that Lonely Heart

Late breaking lonely heart - woo! You know the drill - first one with the name of the heroine, the title of the book, and the name of the author wins Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢.  It’s been awhile since I’ve used mine, so consider this a command from the Duchess of Cuntington: solve this puzzle!

Nocturnal Blossoming Romance? Maybe!

Fragrantly named CIA assassin seeks mysterious, undead, and definitely older man to be my partner through asskicking series of adventures. I’m healing from recent tragedy, but your hot bod and equally hot talents as my boss in professional asskickery might bring me back to life again, even if you’re, for all intents and purposes, dead. I’m armed to the teeth and you’re armed with your teeth, so we make a great pair. Sign me up, baby, yeah.

Coronation Ceremony for Shannon

A few days late and possibly a dollar short, but hey, I am more than a little short on sleep and think that every day since Saturday has been one loooooong ass day. Woo!

But enough about me - it’s coronation time round these parts. And our Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢ is bestowed upon Shannon for correctly guessing the Lonely Heart: Rhia from Eyes of Crow by Jeri Smith-Ready. Kneel Shannon, and arise a member of the Peerage.

Guess that Lonely Heart

Ahoy! First to offer the heroine’s name, author’s name, and title of the book in the comments receives - the Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢.

Into the light of the dark black night

Strong, gifted woman seeks equally strong and noble man from a completely different culture and society to help me face a cold, deadly, and frightening challenge, and stay by my side as I come to terms with my chilling gift and lifelong responsibility and move from first love to true love. You must be willing to watch me die and trust that although I’m cold and lifeless, I will be back to be with you.

Coronation Ceremony for Holly

Congrats and felicitations to Holly! She has correctly guessed this week’s Lonely Heart - Jude Frances Murray from Nora Roberts’ Jewels of the Sun.

Kneel, Holly, and arise a member of the peerage with your new, spiffy Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢. Be sure to use it when trying to score a table at the hot new seafood restaurant.