Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

A Description of Nipples

I did a lot of vacation reading last week, and one thing that jumped out at me (not literally but if it had been it would have been awesome) is the relentless pursuit of cliches when describing nipples.

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about here: there's a sexy scene, and the characters undress. The sex scene - which is, it seems to me, more often from the male point of view than the female - includes a catalog description of the heroine's body.

First, I don't know why there's a need for a list of descriptions for each part, particularly the breasts. There are times when I see the catalog of naked parts and skim right over it, because it seems necessary only because the reader might need to be reminded THEY ARE NAKED NOW SEE THE NIPPLES?

Virginity Cliches in Romance

After reading a scene in which the heroine was a surprise virgin (Surprise! Virgin!) I tweeted about how tired I was of the Surprise Virgin afterglow conversations.

Picture it. The hero figures out the heroine is a virgin because he encounters some resistance (which, don't even get me started) and she flinches and of course he Is Very Alarmed and tries to stop but she tells him not to so it's ok for him to get on with it.

Then after they've crested and reached peaks of joy and done the dance as old as time, he says something about how if he'd known she was a virgin, he'd have done it all differently, been more gentle or something.

The Playboy Sheikh’s Virgin Stable Girl by Sharon Kendrick

I read this book because not one but two different people emailed me and said, to wit, “OMG you have to read this it is HILARIOUS. Like Pregnesia Hilarious.”

One reader said,

“I just had to draw your attention to a stunning read. It’s so bad, it transcends the line between bad and good and becomes rather excellent….

I can highly recommend Kendrick’s latest. Honestly, she’s usually one of the authors that I like - I kind of enjoy the hyper-realism of her stories, and I know what I’m getting. But, for me, this tipped over from presents into parody. It’s truly an experience.”

Then, she quoted The Line, the one line in this book that makes it a Must Read. The money quote that is so ridiculous, you can’t even believe it, and you have to read it over again to make sure you didn’t hallucinate. And THEN, it gets better from there!

How could I not read it?

BBAW: The Slate of Entries - Thanks to You

Thanks to your responses for my request for help last week, I had a pile of entries to choose from, and not surprisingly, my list was very similar to yours. I really, truly appreciate knowing how much you enjoy the site, so thank you most of all for that.

Smart Bitches was nominated in five categories, and after thinking about it, I withdrew our nomination for “Best Romance Blog” because we won last year. Totally an honor. Woo! So I focused on the four categories as follows: Most Humorous/Funniest Blog Most Eclectic Taste Blog Best Reviews Most Collaborative Blog

Here are the links I submitted for each category, compiled at the request of many because they wanted to see the slate. Enjoy!

Smart Bitches in People Magazine

Great day in the morning! We’re in People Magazine.

While the article doesn’t appear to be on their website, in the 3 August issue, featuring a very messy-headed Robert Pattinson and “his messy love life” on the cover, on page 46, there’s BOSOMS! And a list of our very favorite romances.

Here, a PDF for your viewing pleasure! People magazine, page 46.

People (the magazine, not the plural noun) had asked us for a list of our very favorite romances, and that list was, of course, a LOT longer when we sent it in. Five of our choices made the list:

Decadent by Shayla Black

(Warning: Massive spoilers for this book lie under the fold, as well as a link to a LOLPORN photo. Read on at your own peril.)

Reading Decadent deafened me.

Have you ever had that experience before? You finish reading a book and you feel just a bit numb. Your brain is ringing the way your ears do when leaving a venue with a terrible sound system, after watching a band that’s far too fond of playing very loudly and not nearly fond enough of playing with skill. I haven’t read too many novels that do that to me, so I attempted to analyze why Decadent inspired that reaction, and what I finally figured out was this:

The book was written in such a way that its ideal narrator was the Summer Blockbuster Guy.

“This summer… An innocent beauty learns the price of earning the love she thinks she wants… is finding love in a place she never expected.”

“This summer… A hardened soldier of fortune discovers that gaining the girl of his dreams… means letting go of the girl in his past.”

“This summer… A girl becomes a woman… and learns she can preserve her virginity… by having anal sex… read more »

Another one bites the dust

A friend of mine who was gently skeptical about romance novels expressed an interest in trying out one that I thought was especially good. Based on what I knew about her (she wanted something fairly lighthearted and escapist, and she can’t abide stupid heroines), I gave her a copy of Lord of Scoundrels.

She just wrote to me—she liked it! Stayed up reading way too late for two nights, even. BOO YAH and happy dancing all around.

I’m now plotting a strategic gift package of other smart romance novels that aren’t too horribly angsty and that feature strong, capable heroines. (Though I’m now afraid I might’ve spoiled her—Jessica Trent and Sebastian Dain are a difficult act to follow.) Here’s a short list:

1. Midsummer Moon by Laura Kinsale. 2. To Love and the Cherish by Patricia Gaffney 3. Miss Wonderful by Loretta Chase 4. Mr. Impossible by Loretta Chase 5. Anyone but You by Jennifer Crusie (if she likes Crusie’s style, oh man is she going to be inundated with suggestions) 6. Wild at Heart by Patricia Gaffney

I’m also contemplating giving her one of Sharon Shinn’s Samaria novels.

I’m really happy she gave Lord of Scoundrels a chance, because… read more »

Dear Sister from Francine Pascals’ Sweet Valley High, by Kate Williams

There is no shortage of items in this book that make me either want to (a) chuck it at a wall (b) laugh until I hurt myself, or (c) question why on earth I wasted so much of my parents’ money buying these stupid books.

But first, let me take you down memory lane with the opening description that pretty much marked the start of any Sweet Valley High book: When people in the sunny town of Sweet Valley, California, saw a five-foot-six gloriously attractive young girl with sun-streaked blond hair and sparkling blue-green eyes, they knew it was one of the Wakefield twins, but they couldn’t always be sure which one.

Only thing missing in the standard description - which appears on page 1 for God’s sake - is a mention of how the twins are a “perfect size six.” A river of dark, murky, growling ire runs through me every time I think about how many girls, myself included, were tortured by the idea that unless they met that ideal figure and description, they were not “perfect.”

But I’m not… read more »