Bitchery reader Renee sent me a PDF that rocked my world:
CheapAss Toys Inc.‘s Poseable Hasselhoff.
Wow.
Both Renee and I are totally enamored of the “removable chest hair carpet.”
read more »Bitchery Reader Josefina took a long walk in San Juan, and came across some fine specimens of international man-titty in the health supplement store, plus a special extra “WTF” picture as a bonus.
Ah, yes. “Arabian Formula.” It gives you more energy, more potency, and really tight jeans, a turban, and a half naked woman grasping your kneecap.
It’s like a jihad… IN YOUR PANTS!
If you’ve got giant quadriceps, a bikini-clad chipmunk-woman with a tail, and the continuing bother of being chased through the surf by tigers, you need “Energizer Extract.” And also a movie deal.
Note: it’s for adults AND childrens! And it’s manufactured by “Alopecil Corporation.” That’s alarmingly close to “alopecia.” Let’s hope there’s no relation.
This is Josefina. And if your Spanish isn’t as facile as hers, she’s here to tell you that this book? The one she’s holding?
Messages from Princess Diana from the Fourth Dimension. Apparently, judging from the cover art, Princess Diana is communicating with Arianna Huffington. No wonder Josefina looks confused!
read more »When I first read Janet Mullany’s top 10 lists from the back of her book The Rules of Gentility
Then Bitchery reader Melissa sent me a link to an LJ that had reprinted the set of top 10 lists in their entirety. I emailed Janet Mullany and asked her permission, and she says that if Avon comes after me for reprinting them here, I should…well, never mind what she said I should do. Either way, the lists are funny enough that they hurt me to read them.
read more »I literally spit beverages out of my mouth when Nathalie Grey sent me the most awesome link ever.
Are you ready? Are you sitting down?
Mrs. Giggles has opened her own ePub!
Get ready, all you eBook junkies out there: Trixy Lion Publishing has opened its loving, familial arms to anyone looking for a publishing home. [UPDATED to add: Mrs. Giggles’ awesome publishing house at Geocities keeps exceeding its bandwidth - but that only means its super popular, right? Check out the mirror and make sure to get your submissions ready!]
I personally will never say anything cranky or mean about Trixy Lion, as it says in their “Marketing PLnas:” we will also protect u from mean ppl out there on blogs and message boards. if u let us know who is badmouthing u, we will gather ur friends and com eto ur rescue.
How can you not love an ePub whose written public communications read like LOLCats on a meth bender? I’m sold!
read more »New author starting out? Publishers screwed you over yet again in terms of publicity? Have to get your name out there somehow, some way? Us Smart Bitches are here to tell you: nothing helps author visibility like an eye-catching pseudonym and an even more eye-catching costume for an author signing. And being the helpful, thoughtful bitches that we are, we've done allllll the grunt work for you and have come up with the following pseudonym and costume generator. No, no, it's no trouble at all; we do this for the love, baby. A dedication in your next NYT-bestselling novel is renumeration enough. Really.
Your name should be:
And your faaaaabulous costume for author signings should be:
read more »So it’s one week till national, and I’m pulling my hair. I’m still trying to decide on what shoes I will wear. Pregnant feet get so swollen, They’ll each want a Croc, but with all that “business casual,” They don’t want to be mocked!
And meanwhile Sarah, as big as a barn, will waddle the hotel with a parka on. She hears that the A/C in Dallas is arctic, But with 90+ humidity, that cold is cathartic!
The FAQ online recommends tote bags and pens and business cards and goodies and a stack of Depends. You might not have time to go relieve yourself while loading up on 612,573,870 books for your shelf!
So what are your tips and your gems of experience, for those whose prep work has made them delirious? And who’s going to National? Who’ll be at the Hyatt? With both the SBs there? It will be a riot!
Seriously, folks - what are your tips for RWA National? What little gem of brilliance did you learn at a past conference? What do you do to preserve your feet? Your makeup? Your sanity?
While I’ve never been to National, here are my tips :
1.… read more »
Hello to all our British readers! 231 years ago we declared our independence from you - aren’t you, like, seriously bummed? I mean, you too could have a politically divided society with a pesky terrorism problem and some big issues to conquer in your next elections. Wait, never mind.
In the spirit of celebrating the independence of the United States of America (Motto: “Independence? Let’s celebrate by grilling things and lighting things on fire!”) we present to you these fine gifts from the heart and mind of MamaNice:
read more »Courtesy of Darlene Marshall:
International Condom ads. I think the wrestlers are my favorite. I almost snorted coffee out my nose.
Remember: Not Work Safe for Office Bitches!
read more »Suppose you have no weekend plans. Usually this is me - I plan little, but this weekend we have many an appointment which means Freebird will be feeling puny and we’ll end up cancelling everything.
But lucky for me, and for you if you have no plans or a toddler or both, there’s Something To Do!
“What’s that?” I can hear you asking your monitor aloud. You’re on the edge of your seat? What possible item could be so grand that Smart Bitches would not only talk about but also offer it for download?
Why, it’s a paper airplane of David Hasselhoff’s head, of course.
No really. We’re not kidding. (*right click to download*)
How could it be anything else? Thanks to Stephanie Gayle, a Hofftastic paper airplane, designed to promote his Hoffobiographyâ„¢ (Candy thought that up) can be yours, all yours, the preciousssss.
Just think of the possibilities. You can download it now, print it out, and fly it around your office on a Friday afternoon. You can bring it home and fly it all weekend, amusing your friends and family with your Hoff-flying skillz.
In fact, if you have a picture of yourself flying… read more »
We love Mrs. Giggles like a rockstar loves his vicodin, and her Blog Drama drinking game had us rolling on the floor. In
the spirit of shameless plagiarism
loving homage, we would like to present a Smart Bitch-specific version of the game. Feel free to click through the various kefufflage we’ve experiened the past month or so and drink until you feel like Ozzy Osbourne. - Candy starts splitting infinitives, noun pairs and subject-verb pairs with “motherfucker” or “motherfucking”: 1 sip (small ones—we don’t you to experience alcohol poisoning here) - Candy breaks into stupid Internet abbreviations because they make her LOL like AOL: 1 sip - Or makes webcomic/webgeek references, and starts calling the Internet the Intertubes, Interwebs or Interblag: 2 sips - Candy starts posting image macros: 3 sips - And the macros are ORLY owls: 4 sips - Or Lolcats: 5 sips - Buttsecks owl invoked: Chug the damn mug - Or Tubgirl: Throw up everything you’ve just drunk - Candy acts like an asshole: 1 sip - And admits as much in the comments: 2 sips - Sarah posts a link or a news item and unexpectedly sets off a firestorm of OMGDRAMA: 2 sips - Sarah… read more »
“But… Duncan,” she wept tearfully. “I do not understand. My brother’s best friend’s dog walker’s cousin knows this girl who says this guy saw you pass out at 31 Flavors last night!”
“Alas, my fair Tittynia,” Duncan whispered huskily. “Twas not me. I was home. Alone. Missing your titian hair and your Rubenesque calves.”
“Oh, Duncan, shelter me under the comfort of your man-titty for all time!” She closed her eyes, relief washing over her in a wet wave of tears. It had all been a big miscommunication, just like the time she thought she saw him dressed as a woman, but he said it was really his mother’s ghost shopping at Neiman’s, or that other time she saw him at the Asse Castle Gay Bar but it turned out to be his secret twin brother. Just a silly misunderstanding, she thought, blissfully.
The End.
Don’t forget to save Duncan’s fate - enter the SB Big Mis writing contest. Deadline is tomorrow at midnight, PST.
read more »
Fabio is busy convincing me to try I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter in his tiger-pelt strewn living room, so I’m guessing he can’t also be playing on the Make Your Own Romance Cover page, too. Does this stop me from uploading images and having a good old wasting-of-time? Heck, no!
Miri was kind enough to forward me the think. Now I have to get my fine romance cover printed out so I can put it all over the house. Check me out. I’m savagely awesome, I think.
I bet you all have your curiosity about Candy and me. Perhaps we spend our days reading romances, eating bonbons and snarking away at the man titty in our festively pink office that matches our festively pink website. Perhaps…or perhaps not.
Either way, to announce our final Smart Bitch Writing Contest of the year, I’ll give you a glimpse into how Candy and I come up with pretty much most of our content.
Sarah: Duncan Larksthrush needs a heroine, and a plot.
Candy: He needs a more manly name than Larksthrush, though. Rockthrust would be better. And one more thing: That parody was near-perfect except for the mention of Harlequin/Silhouette at the end. I wish people didn’t automatically assume all romances are Harlequins. Leisure, Zebra, Avon and Berkley would’ve been a much more accurate. God, I’m a nitpicky bitch.
Sarah: Maybe he’s Duncan Larksthrush, Duke of Rockthrush. Anyway, how can we best ask the Bitchery to help Duncan out?
Candy: How about a Big Misunderstanding scene? Like the big reveal. Person to come up with the most contrived, convoluted Big Mis wins.
Sarah: OH YES OH YES OH YES, she cried.
And thus a Smart Bitch Contest is… read more »
If you need some toys with, um, thrusting action, let us Smart Bitches help you out.
And here’s a toy that sounds dirty, but isn’t.
I should stay away from toy catalogs, clearly.
But wait, there’s more! Pass the Pickle sounds like something from Ellora. Does the pickle get passed before or after the dildoes on Tuesdays?
read more »Bitchery Reader Sarah sent me a link to a Reuters news article discussing the final event of the Belfast Literary Festival.
Seems the attendees are bringing an end to the fun with a reading of the most alliteratively awful passages from the works of “Amanda McKittrick Ros, accused by critics of penning some of the most atrocious books ever written.” The trick: they can’t laugh as they read.
This noble feat was first attempted by the Inkings, among them C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein, who met to attempt to read Ros aloud without busting a gut passages such as, “The living sometimes learn the touchy tricks of the traitor, the tardy and the tempted; the dead have evaded the flighty earthy future and form to swell the retinue of retired rights, the righteous school of the invisible and the rebellious roar of the raging nothing.”
According to the article, “Ros herself would rage against critics, calling them ‘evil-minded snapshots of spleen’ and ‘auctioneering agents of Satan.’”
I think Candy and I have been called that upon occasion.
So, what does this mean for you? Why, it’s a chance to compete for a crowning, and a find certificate… read more »
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