Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Lisa Kleypas’ UK vs US Cover Showdown

This entry was inspired by Abby, who wrote to me and implored, “go to amazon.co.uk and look up Lisa Kleypas. WHY ARE THEIR BOOK COVERS SO MUCH BETTER THAN OURS?!?!?!! I am so upset about this, it’s kind of ridiculous. They just look so much classier! It’s totally unfair.”

Is that so? Well, let’s have a look, shall we? All the pics are below the fold - but the poll, depending on the browser, may be up here.

Scuse Me, Sir, What’s That?

Do you see it? Do you? Huh?

Fitzwilliam Darcy in the Sack

Something about the pocket watch… it is so subtle. It’s trying to evoke something, but what? I don’t think I have the stones to figure it out. The ponderous weight of contemplation is leaving me blank. Oh, dear. The balls are in your court now.

Graceful curtsey to Catinbody for the link to this cover.

Sexytimes for Turnip

We’ve got quite a selection of covers here. Some satirical, some terrifying, some stunning, and some stunning for other reasons than the first one that was stunning. You ready to pick a winner, and implore Lauren Willig to Write Turnip’s Missing Sexytimes? Here we go! Voting takes place right here, so vote early, vote often (or once, as your IP address allows). Note: the poll might jump around - sorry about that. Tricky poll.

Zee Bucket! In Dutch!

BONJOUR! Are you awake?! You should be! Ah am here, and Ah Am Zee Bucket!

Ah know you have missed me. Today, Ah report to you zee horrible horribleness of mah second cousin once removed but not quite removed enough, MS PAINT. She ees, Ah am sad to say, quite sloppy.

Fear not, Harlequin, zees is not about you! You are safe from ZEE BUCKET OF TRIUMPH today! Zut Alors! Ah know you have zee relief, oui? N’est pas? Ah know you all speak zee French, so you know how to read between zee lines!

Anyway, Mah shoddy cousine, Ms. Paint, was spotted in Dutch. Ah do not speak zee Dutch but perhaps Ah must learn because only AH can prevent ZEES MADNESS!

Many gracious mercis to Jan Oda, who spotted Ms. Paint’s dastardly crimes!

Hold up, Is That Richard Armitage?

Alert reader Jennifer sent me the following message: “Searching for a good (kindle) historical mystery for myself, I noticed that someone slapped Richard Armitage on the cover of their book:

It’s flipped & Photoshopped, but it definitely looks like his head shot (via RichardArmitageNet.com).

I’m all for seeing Richard everywhere, but somehow I don’t think this is authorized usage—- couldn’t they afford some stock photography to use? Arrgh. (sending it your way since this site discusses book covers and Richard Armitage is one of the patron saint hotties of romance).”

HUH. That’s a new one - self published book sales via Armitage. There’s already an Amazon review citing Armitage’s picture as a reason for buying the book.

See for yourself. Here’s the book:

‘Allo! Ah am Zee Bucket! Ah strike Again!

‘Allo. Ah am zee Bucket. You perhaps have seen mah work on other covers, yes? No? Yes yes!

HERE AH AM. AH STRIKE AGAIN WITH MAH BUCKETNESS. Some vixen named Kim has spotted the efforts of Bucket. 

First, we have zee cover with zee green from 2009. Ah like the green. It is very green, like zee environment, and zee logo at zee bottom of zee email telling me not to print zee email, which Ah do not do since Ah am a Bucket.

But what if you are tired of zee green? Green, it is too… too… too 2009, yes? No? YES YES.

That Bucket Gets BUSY

It’s time for yet another Adventure Of Bucket! Not Hyacinth Bucket, nor the Lolrus Bucket. This bucket.

This bucket has a lot of work to do. Here’s an example. Look! It’s a book cover, brought to my attention by sharp-eyed reader DL!

Quite a lovely photograph, really. It’s not bad. But NOT FOR BUCKET. Bucket Must Make Change!

Covers Across the Pond

Reader Cate alerted me to the differences in Elizabeth Hoyt’s covers between the US and UK versions. Have a look. This is the UK version:

And this is the US version:

Cate went out of her way to order the US copy even though she’s in the UK, because she really, really dislikes the historical inaccuracy of the cover: “This is a book set in 1737 - I know that because it says so on the first page(!).So why then have Piatkus given the book a set of cover models who look like they’ve just walked off the set of Pride & Prejudice? Or does one historical era fit all ? - a bit like a kaftan!”

I confess to not being as savvy as Cate, but I’m also not sure which cover I’d prefer. On one hand, the US cover very clearly says historical romance - but the UK cover, and the title as listed in Amazon.co.uk, seems to market it as a mystery/romance, particularly the additional reference to mystery in the title: “Notorious Pleasures: A Maiden Lane Novel: A Wesley Peterson Murder Mystery.”

Which do… read more »

Cover Question: Hooking Me Up

Kay and a few others have alerted me to this Carla Kelly cover, and it’s prompted me to ask for your opinion:

Not a bad looking cover - except that the hero has a hook for his left hand. He lost his hand in an accident at war and while it doesn’t bother the heroine in the least, it’s a part of the story in a big way. That there, as Kay pointed out, is his left hand. It’s not even a plot twist - it’s in the third paragraph of chapter one!

Bright stared at his rapidly cooling cup of tea, and began to chalk up his defects. He did not think of forty-five as old, particularly since he had all of his hair, close cut though it was; all of his teeth minus one lost on the Barbary cost; and most of his parts. He had compensated nicely for the loss of his left hand with a hook, and he knew he hadn’t waved it about overmuch during his recent interview with Miss Batchthorpe. He had worn the silver one, which Starkey had polished to a fare-thee-well before his excursion into… read more »

Which is Her Real Hair?

Harlequin, you’re going to think I’m picking on you, but, well, ok, I totally am. Thanks to Lyndsey, we have a new challenge this week: Which Is Her Real Hair?

First up: The Unmasking of a Lady (could that title GET any better?) by Emily May, Kindle edition:

Next up, same title, paperback edition:

But wait, there’s MORE: thanks to eagle-eyed Lyndsey, we have His Cavalry Lady by Joanna Maitland:

Which is her real hair, the short, the long, or the other long? Is it me, or are her ears really weird-looking, like, even more than ears are normally weird-looking? And if there’s all that Photoshopping going on, why didn’t HE get a haircut?!

More Cover Questions: Boys on The Right, no Left, no Right

Hi Harlequin!

You tired of me yet? I’m sure you are. But that’s ok, I still think you’re spiffy. Today’s column is all thanks to Sally, who sent this set of images in (Like how I threw you under the Harlequin bus there, Sally? Yeah, you’re welcome!).

First we have Wedding at King’s Convenience by Maureen Child

Is it me, or does “King’s Convenience” sound like a great name for a corner convenience store, and now I’m wondering if they got married while standing next to those rolling hot dog conveyors and the slushy CafPow machine?

But then, there’s this cover for Apuesta Segura by Maureen Child - the same book, only translated into Spanish:

Dios Mio!  I’ve got one question: WHICH is his original HEAD?! Is this guy possessing of two faces? Does he have TWO COMPLETE HEADS?! Is that the barrier to their happy ending, that he is his own secret twin and she can’t figure out who is who?

WOW. That could make for some serious… read more »

Harlequin Covers: Seeing Double the Man Hands

Hi Harlequin!

You know I think you are all spiffy, right? How’s things? I wanted to give you guys a heads up that there is a blonde girl who is confusing me utterly.

First, she was on Julie Cohen’s His for the Taking, which I read and really liked - and which caused me to start a Cohen-a-licious attraction to anything Julie Cohen writes. I ranted about the US Harlequin Presents cover in my review, but I’ll post it here:

Oh, my GOSH. The poor girl’s man hands and her THUMB. She’s like Sissy Hankshaw up in there. My gosh. And her SKIN. It is crying for some soothing lotion like STAT and WHOA.

But you know, girls with big thumbs, they need work. And if Tom Robbins isn’t writing a sequel to Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, at least this woman found work in the cover for the recently re-released The Outback Marriage Ransom by Emma Darcy.

No, wait, no, she didn’t. It’s the same picture.

The Darcy cover may (and likely… read more »

Cover Snark: Wayback Retro Edition

The ever-awesome LadyRhian did some scanning, and then Candy and I did some screaming and some rushing and some eyewashing, and now it’s your turn to feast your eyes on the retro majesty.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you. As usual, these covers are NSFW in the fuchsia sense. I mean, there is NO way you can pass off that you’re doing work if you’re caught having a look-see at these.

Caption That Cover: Nosehair Winner

That’s right - you win nosehair! Just kidding.

While I wish I could give away legless levitation with glowing ass powers, alas, my powers are limited to a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of the winner’s choosing for winning the Caption That Cover: Nosehair Edition contest, featuring one of the very worst covers I’ve seen in a long time.

Honorable mentions:

redcrow for “glittery anus”

Nadia for “In a world where their love is only limited by her supply of those little Tabasco packets you get at Chick-Fil-A, together they…Wait for Dusk!”

Castiron for “She’s a rare example of the Shining Rear Vampire.”

Natalie Hart for “She wanted to go down on him, but there didn’t seem to be any *there* there ... perhaps ... his nose was so large, and so hard ... it was worth a shot.”

First runner up:

Linsalot for “He had narcolepsy, She had halitosis.  They were never meant to be together, but fate intervened and one legless night in a cave was all it took to change thier lives forever.”

And the winner: Kathleen for:

She wanted a man who could find her tapeworm.

He wanted… read more »