Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Heads, Shoulders, Knees, Toes and Shoes

For awhile now, on historical romance covers, we've been looking at backs, or, more specifically, women undressing from the back:

I love how all these women in historical times went around with their gowns laced over nothing. It's like the upper-body version of going commando. Boobmando! 

Learning from Trouble

There are levels of trouble in cover art land. There's "a little trouble," like when the eyes of a cover model's face are Photoshopped a little crooked. There's "a lot more trouble" like a cover with nipples so erect that you could hang ornaments and some garlands off them. And then there's "WTFTROUBLE," which is where we are today. Brace yourself as we take a look at some covers of "Beautiful Trouble Publishing" which specializes in erotic stories, some short, some romance, some bedecked with Poser. But each one teaches something important, I think. And not just the ages-old lesson, 'Always have the eyewash station handy.' 

Now, much of this website is NSFW, but this is extra more NSFW, so be ye warned. 

Longarm

Last week, Jane sent me some Longarm, by which I mean she attached about six different Longarm covers to an email message and I barely remained upright. These were so bizarre, I asked her to snark them with me. But first, Jane answers the burning question, HOW DID YOU FIND THESE?

Jane: I was searching Berkley published books in an effort to find some deals.  I came across these. I think that there are several hundred of them published.

Sarah: Yup. After doing some research, I found this Wikipedia entry which states that there is one Longarm novel published nearly every month. There are nearly 400 in the series - in fact, #400, Longarm and the 400 Blows comes out (snerk) February 28. The series is distinguished "from classical westerns by the inclusion of more explicit sex and violence." So one per month, with more sex and violence. Yeah. I am going to start Longarming people who sniff at romance.

Sarah: Setting aside the Best Perm Ever, he's chasing his perpetrator through the back door while somehow hiding beneath another woman's skirt. WOW. HOW IS THIS NOT A MOVIE?

Lovesweeping the Titles

Now that more of the old Loveswept romances are being re-released, I think it's time I spoke up with my one request for the Loveswept line.

If we're bringing back old Loveswept, we have to bring back the best Loveswept titles.

First, she's not actually ON the zebra. 

Second, join me in having this stuck in your head: Angels on zebras and weasels on ponies...dude on the carousel's likely a brony.

Women of the Future!

This entry is all thanks to Heather, who cleaned out a bookstore shelf and found a treasure trove of PROGNOSTICATION. To heck with groundhogs and the weather and what's going to happen in publishing next.

We need to know about the future, the weather of the distant future, the role of women in the distant future, and, most importantly, the COLOR SCHEMES of the future. And so, I happily present:

Women of the Future: A coloriffic overview! (Please imagine that said in a Very Deep and Impressive Voice). 

Most of these books took place in the faraway future or a distant fantasyland. I see the covers as efforts to predict the future, old-skool style, and behold, they are amazing.

Caption This Cover: Carpet Edition

Jan Oda sent me this cover, and all the possible jokes ran to the front of my brain and pushed each other like the doors just opened at Target and everything was 65% off.I'm not sure if there's been a better candidate for "Caption That Cover" - well, of course there have, but not this week!

I mean, from jokes about munching carpet to whether the rug matches the drapes to what REALLY goes on in NJ, there's no shortage (heh) of opportunities here. So here we go! It's Caption That Cover time! 

Leave your caption in the comments, and I'll pick the best one. The champion captioner will win a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of his or her choosing. 

Standard disclaimers apply. I'm not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Open to those 18 years of… read more »

Well Played, Avon!

Two weeks ago, I had a signing at Posman’s Books in Grand Central Station, and as I chatted with Stacey Agdern, the romance expert there, I noticed something really interesting on the shelves. Posman’s has a small romance section, but for its size, it’s amazingly diverse and well-stocked - mostly thank to Stacey, who is kickass as a bookseller and as a romance advocate. Because of the smallness of the section, most of the books were displayed spine-out, and this is where I noticed that Avon was doing something REALLY cool. Have a look. (NB: I apologize for the somewhat lame quality of some of the pics.)

See how Lavinia Kent’s titles pretty much jump off the shelf and grab you? Look at how much of the spine is taken up by cover art.

Caption This Cover: I Can’t Have That

This cover was sent to me in the email by an anonymous source. I tweeted about it last night before I had to sign off for the evening, but I had to share it with you here, too.

Why is the ass crack the most objectionable part of that image such that it had to be airbrushed shut? WHY does she have no crack?!

Romance: Building The Perfect Hero

Ah, romance covers. They say so much with so little. It occurred to me recently that the perfect romance hero has pretty much been assembled through the artistic renderings of the romance cover.

Don’t think so? Have a look.

The perfect romance hero must:

Have excellent dental work

Really. We expect the finest in dentistry. (He should wipe his chin, though.)

And of course, man-titty with extraordinary buoyancy in a maritime emergency:

Lisa Kleypas’ UK vs US Cover Showdown

This entry was inspired by Abby, who wrote to me and implored, “go to amazon.co.uk and look up Lisa Kleypas. WHY ARE THEIR BOOK COVERS SO MUCH BETTER THAN OURS?!?!?!! I am so upset about this, it’s kind of ridiculous. They just look so much classier! It’s totally unfair.”

Is that so? Well, let’s have a look, shall we? All the pics are below the fold - but the poll, depending on the browser, may be up here.

Scuse Me, Sir, What’s That?

Do you see it? Do you? Huh?

Fitzwilliam Darcy in the Sack

Something about the pocket watch… it is so subtle. It’s trying to evoke something, but what? I don’t think I have the stones to figure it out. The ponderous weight of contemplation is leaving me blank. Oh, dear. The balls are in your court now.

Graceful curtsey to Catinbody for the link to this cover.

Sexytimes for Turnip

We’ve got quite a selection of covers here. Some satirical, some terrifying, some stunning, and some stunning for other reasons than the first one that was stunning. You ready to pick a winner, and implore Lauren Willig to Write Turnip’s Missing Sexytimes? Here we go! Voting takes place right here, so vote early, vote often (or once, as your IP address allows). Note: the poll might jump around - sorry about that. Tricky poll.

Zee Bucket! In Dutch!

BONJOUR! Are you awake?! You should be! Ah am here, and Ah Am Zee Bucket!

Ah know you have missed me. Today, Ah report to you zee horrible horribleness of mah second cousin once removed but not quite removed enough, MS PAINT. She ees, Ah am sad to say, quite sloppy.

Fear not, Harlequin, zees is not about you! You are safe from ZEE BUCKET OF TRIUMPH today! Zut Alors! Ah know you have zee relief, oui? N’est pas? Ah know you all speak zee French, so you know how to read between zee lines!

Anyway, Mah shoddy cousine, Ms. Paint, was spotted in Dutch. Ah do not speak zee Dutch but perhaps Ah must learn because only AH can prevent ZEES MADNESS!

Many gracious mercis to Jan Oda, who spotted Ms. Paint’s dastardly crimes!

Hold up, Is That Richard Armitage?

Alert reader Jennifer sent me the following message: “Searching for a good (kindle) historical mystery for myself, I noticed that someone slapped Richard Armitage on the cover of their book:

It’s flipped & Photoshopped, but it definitely looks like his head shot (via RichardArmitageNet.com).

I’m all for seeing Richard everywhere, but somehow I don’t think this is authorized usage—- couldn’t they afford some stock photography to use? Arrgh. (sending it your way since this site discusses book covers and Richard Armitage is one of the patron saint hotties of romance).”

HUH. That’s a new one - self published book sales via Armitage. There’s already an Amazon review citing Armitage’s picture as a reason for buying the book.

See for yourself. Here’s the book: