Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

RITA me this!

This week’s cover snark was brought to you by this year’s RITA nominees. Quality romance != quality covers, as many authors can probably attest to (poor Loretta Chase—will she ever catch a break, or does God really hate her so much that she’s forever doomed to hideous covers featuring dudes with greasy perms and/or jaundice?). So, congratulations to the nominees, and also best of luck—especially with the art department.

Candy: The Secret Wife hands the (no doubt) Even More Secret Baby to Gunther the bodyguard so he can exterminate the last of the evidence of her drunken Cabo weekend.

Sarah:

Dude. Isn’t that the bald guy from Night Court? You never know WHO is going to turn up as a cover model next!

And why is there a car driving into his crotch?

Candy: HAY GUYS! THIS BOOK IS LIKE OMGHOT LIKE REALLY FOR REALZ HOT! EVEN THOUGH THE GUY LOOKS LIKE A BLIND DATE REJECT BUT U NO HES HOT COZ LOOK AT ALL THOSE HOT CHICS STANDING AROUND HIM.

Sarah: Here at SBTB we present the following… read more »

Grab Bag of Awful

We have taken mercy on our readership and suspended our DeSalvo cover fug for the nonce. Well, OK, not really. There’s ONE DeSalvo cover in this batch of cover snarkage, but it’s pretty discreet. We do have other types of man-titty for your viewing (dis)pleasure, however.

Cowboy DeSalvo

If you are Leigh Greenwood, you are one lucky man/woman. Because oh, holy night, you got yourself some fine DeSalvo covers for your “The Cowboys” series. From Greenwood’s website:

The freedom of the range, the bawling of the longhorns, the lonesome night watch beneath a vast, starry sky - they got into a man’s blood until he knew there was nothing better than the life of a cowboy…except the love of a good woman.

This series tells the stories of nearly a dozen orphans who’re adopted by Jake and Isabelle Maxwell and grow up on their cattle ranch in the Texas Hill Country.

So as the longhorns bawl (perhaps due to the purple prose?) you find a bunch of orphans, who, judging from the covers, miraculously all look alike (except for Sean, who wants you to pull his finger). That is some serious scientific mystery right there, folks. I’m amazed that A&E hasn’t done a heavily-promoted special on the identical orphans. They’re all desalvolicious in their own special way.

Sarah: The mullet. The manly firearm held erect from his manly crotch. And of course, the… read more »

DeSave me from DeSalvo

Sarah: He looks like he feels a little guilty. Here he is, trying to impress you, sharpening his wee little blade, wearing his finest feather headdress, and ...whoops!  A little poot slips from beneath his buckskins. And he hopes you won’t notice but it’s visible, a green, sulfur cloud that wafts behind him. Ooops. No wonder he feels guilty. He killed the Laird of the Wind with his green Savage Thunder.

Candy: His buddies HATE going hunting with him, not only because of the thunderous savagery emanating from his behiney, but because the stench scares away the animals for miles around. Also, he doesn’t look savage so much as he does kind of tweaked-out and worried. He looks like he’s just snorted a huge line of coke and trying really, really hard to stifle a real ripper, but not quite succeeding.

Also: Egad. What are the odds that there’d be not one, but two books entitled Savage Thunder? Gotta love the romance novel industry.

Sarah: Oh, Holy God, SHE’S A MAN, BABY. A MAAAAAN.

Candy: Wow. Props to the art department for finding a… read more »

Is that a sword or are you just happy to see me?

Ann Lawrence is one lucky lady. Not only is she quite funny (I’ve met her) but her covers? All feature the Majestic DeSalvo.

Oddly, he’s always holding something long, hard and equally majestic when he’s depicted on her books. Makes me wonder if the art department is trying to..convey something. I mean, you don’t have to hit me over the head with it; I’ll figure it out eventually. Hmm. Maybe he’s going fishing?

Sarah: Lord of the Mist meets Lord of the Wind. It’s like the best grudge match ever! The Lord of the Mist, nebulous like the vapor, cunning as the fog, but damn, he carries a big ass stick. Is he any match for the Lord of the Wind’s, ur, wind?

Candy: Every Saturday, yon Lord of the Mist wreaks devastation in his wake, turning formerly thriving cities into desolate desolate swamps with his dank, noxious fogs—because that’s always the day cook makes her special Lentil Soup and Devilled Eggs lunch.

Sarah: I tell you what, the Lord of the Keep also carries a big ol’ stick, too.… read more »

Hair of the DeSalvo

It’s not just the Hairclub for Men anymore. It’s the Hair Club for Men with Man-titty.

Sarah: Future Mega Mullet Man gazed at the air to the left of her ear, hoping she would admire his fine pooftah necklace and big green plastic armband.

“Wow,” she thought. “Could he BE any more gay?”

Candy: That is truly a magnificent mullet—it’s so big that the dude has to wear his crown on his arm, because there’s no way it could’ve fit over that mane of glory. But I have to say, it’s all eclipsed by the woman’s futuristic RennFaire-Orgasmed-All-Over-40-Yards-of-Hot-Pink-Satin monstrosity. And what better to go with a Medieval Bitches In Space dress than midnight blue tights?

Sarah: The hair, it is half ducks-ass and half overgrown mullet. I think it’s an exaggerated version of the typical description of a hero who “wears his hair longer than fashionable” with a forelock he can toss back in an arrogant manner.

But in this depiction? He looks scruffy and over-moussed.

And also, is it me or is her torso disturbingly short, like her leg… read more »

DeSalvo, Part Deux

Sarah: Perm + Man-titty + WAY TOO MUCH BRONZER = hilarity. Do you think if you moisten your finger and wipe it down his chest, you can reveal the pasty white skin beneath? What a handy place to write down notes and phone numbers. “Hang on, I have his number, it’s right here on the Highlander’s left man-tit.”

Candy: Indeed, when I’m feeling pasty after a grey, brutal Portland winter and I’m longing for some time in the sun so that I, y’know, no longer glow in the fucking dark, I immediately think of decamping to the Scottish Highlands.

Sarah: I think his man-titty is holding up his plaid sash. And have you ever noticed that on all the deSalvo covers, his arms are bent because he’s so built he can’t straighten his arms, and, more importantly, his legs are spread, like his man junk is SO big he can’t close his legs? What’s he hiding under that kilt? Priapism?

Candy: Egad! The pirates, English rakes and randy horsemen have all infected the Highlanders with the inability to lace up their… read more »

Firing the First D’Salvo

Making fun of Fabio covers is like taking candy from a baby. A tall, blond, muscular, grotesquely be-titted baby. So today, we decided to switch to another punching bag entirely. Behold, the gallery of horrors towards which John D’Salvo has lent his visage. If ye be wise, avert your eyes.

Ah, who am I kidding? Chances are, you’re masochistic bitches, just like us.

Sarah: OW. Not only did Candy throw down the gauntlet with this series, but she starts off with a Cassie Edwards romantic book of Savage Lurrrrrveâ„¢. Damn. That gauntlet is heavy when it hits your toe.

Steering his canoe through the River-of-Fire, known to the white man as Buttsecks Creek, Casts-Long-Shadow-With-Brave-Man-Titty wondered, would he ever find a woman who would appreciate the subtle implications of the long, thin staff held between his legs? And would he ever find a conditioner that would keep his hair soft and supple in the hot Buttsecks wind?

Candy: “Hot Buttsecks wind.” Haaahahahahahah ohdeargod.

Ahem. Indeed, I hear the Hot Buttsecks can sometimes result in a lot of windiness. *koff*

My question is, what is he so savagely hoping for as he peers into… read more »

Save a Horse, Ride the Cowboy

Ah, it’s like fish in a barrel: the Native American romance novel cover. The fringe! The headbands! The majestic beadwork. The big bulge in the front of the buckskin trousers!

But what about the poor horsies, forced against their will to participate in this tawdry drivel?

Sarah: The magic in question is how the shirtless comanche is holding onto the stupid woman while she grabs his knee. Poor horse is going to fall the hell over with all that side weight, because the poor thing already has to lug those man titties around on his back.

Candy: Wow, this looks like a figure skating routine, only with a horse. Strapping ice skates onto a horse: talk about cruel and unusual.

Not that it’s any crueller or more unusual than having to bear these two preening asshats on its back.

And is this just a problem with my monitor, but does the man have no discernible nipples?

Sarah: “Stupid woman,” thought Has-Big-Mullet-But-No-Shirt. “Not only is she running around in her nightgown during a brushfire, but she doesn’t realize that horse is going… read more »

Step Back! Back! Back!

This week, we’re taking a look at some reader-submitted stepback covers. So nice when the cover is rather bland and then you open the flap and HOLY CANOLI are those REAL?!

Our first stepback: Patricia Pellicane’s Sweet Revenge

Sarah: “The sea is rising up behind me, and here, I have this dead girl with giant silicone boobies. Aren’t Coast-Guard-approved floatation devices made of silicone? I sure hope so!”

Also, can we talk about how disturbingly long her first two fingers are? What does she DO with those fingers?! Prostate exams… on giraffes?

Candy: “Non non non, ma cherie…You keep your knees bent, lift your breasts UP and suck that stomach IN. Like so, comprends?”

Or maybe he’s demonstrating the newest Aikido throw to the little chickadee?

Under the Wild Moon by Diana Carey

Sarah:“Darling, I don’t think it’s going to work between us. First, I have to go fight those monks over there. But more importantly, you have jaundice, you aren’t able to stand up, and one of your breasts appears to be coming out of your shoulder. And, now you’re melting into a… read more »

Shirtless Wonders of the West

Sarah: Y’all. Y’ALL. Now we know what happened to Ian Ziering from 90210. But where’s the cover with Dylan and Brandon? Mrowr!

Candy: It’s a miracle more of these cover models don’t come down with some sort of catarrh from standing around with their shirts unbuttoned in the cold, damp air.

I also wonder: Do these guys use aftershave on their chests, and is that why their shirts are unbuttoned? To allow the aftershave to evaporate freely?

Sarah: Oh, the heartbreak of finding your dream man, replete with breathtaking mantitty, only to find he has a monster case of jaundice. And turning yellow does not a good indicator of health make. Wonder what else might be turning yellow, hmm? Run, dearie, RUN!

Candy: Jebus, can two people look any more gross? There’s just this sheen of, I don’t know, grease and, yes, jaundice about them. I can just about picture the stink-lines emanating from these two clowns. Maybe that’s why their mouths are slightly agape—they’re breathing through their mouths.

Sarah:
Hero: Dude. Where’s my shirt?
Heroine: I care not, milord!… read more »

Secret Baby Daddy: Part 2

More secret baby/baby-daddy books from our fabulous readers, and more horrified responses from Sarah & Candy. What a lovely way to start the week!

Sarah: Forgive me, but your daddy the Duke might want to (a) consider another source other than Burger King for his crowns, and (b) start looking into charm school, because you, little girl, look like you have some serious attitude problems.

Candy: I initially mis-read the title as My Daddy the Puke. Tee hee!

Speaking of puke: this cover has just caused my admittedly low gag threshold to redline. Come to think of it: Many romance novel covers should come with built-in barfbags. Holy shit, I’m a GENIUS.

Sarah: TRIPLET secret babies? What in the name of all that is good and noble in the world, is THAT about? I’m guessing it’s a hard secret to keep, considering that most triplet deliveries involve a few months of bed rest to allow for as long a gestation as possible. How do you explain that one? “Well, darling, I’m sorry I didn’t return your calls for four months, I was kidnapped by aliens! And excuse that giant stretch mark. It’s… read more »

Secret Baby Daddy: Part 1

Oh, bundle of joy? More like, oh holy crap what is this drivel? We present the first of a two-part series looking at some horrid reader-submitted secret baby and baby-daddy romances. Are you excited? I am. I had to put Freebird in the other room so his fragile little mind would not be warped by any of this crappe.

Sarah: By virtue of spending a lot of time with a newborn, I have slowly improved on my ability to guess how old a baby is. And this man, he is scoring with more than one woman, because those kids are not the same age, and yet they appear close enough in age that they couldn’t have been born by the same person. I don’t know what kind of design we had for daddykins, but I think it involved more than one designing woman, if you know what I mean.

Either that, or they are fraternal twins, and the one hanging off the front is bogarting the boob in a big, big way.

Candy: Sorry. Can’t snark. Am too occupied by the incredibly disturbing implications of printing “WHO’S THE DADDY?” on a bent-over baby’s ass.

An Assortment of…Something

Sarah: “Look, you’ve stolen time, the sun, possibly the space-time continuum AND the flux capacitor. But you may NOT HAVE MY SHIRT, BUB!”

Candy: Dude, he’s totally going to reach into her chest and rip out her implants and run away screeching with delight because NOW HE WILL HAVE THE BIGGEST MAN-TITTIES OF ALL, YES HE WILL PRECIOUSSSSSSS. And she knows it, too, but she’s a romance novel heroine, so all she can do is sit there and gaze, limpid-eyed into the distance, and quiver gently.

Sarah: That dude above needs to give THIS chick the shirt. I think it’s a chick anyway. It might be a man with cantaloupes glued to his chest. I’m not entirely sure.

Candy: Whoa. I think I might’ve seen this chick on the cover of the “Midgets Who Love Getting Fucked in the Ass By Chicks” porn DVD.

In any case, that is one of the scariest beckoning fingers I have ever seen. RUN, MOTHERFUCKER, RUN.

Sarah: Can someone tell me why he has skunk hair? And… read more »

New Year, Same Old Shit

This New Year’s Edition of Covers Gone Wild visits the popular themes this year: man-titty, bad poser covers, bestiality and classic clinchy awfulness.

Candy: Sweetie, here’s a hint for you: that half mask? Ain’t doing shit. You need more coverage—say, from forehead all the way to chin, perhaps even neck—if you’re really trying to hide all that fug.

Sarah: That is one big zit he has on his lip. I’d have hidden the lower half, rather than the upper half.

I’m not sure what the goal is here: he’s not fascinating in a sexy, dangerous sort of way. He looks more like those Capital One commercial vikings who come after your credit balances.

Candy: Look! An innovative way to clean out your ear canal! Press up against the groin of a shiny, be-titted, blond-haired alien, and his specially enhanced pen0r will dig out years of accumulated wax. You think he’s some kind of intergalactic warrior, but no, he’s a selfless, far-future otolaryngologist.

Sarah: Is he giving birth? Did he just crap a heroine? Is she hiding from the blazing sun of Gutron under the… read more »