Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

The Last Airbiscuit: The Winner

Oh, the fun, the humor, the impossible excellence of blue flames from a naked man ass. Here are the honorable mentions in our Caption That Cover contest: Susan Reader for “Blew/Blue Halloo”

Lori for “Dude, I may be your best friend, but even I’m not sniffing your ass.”

queenmama for “Natural gas: clean, economical, and sexy.”

hapax: “Devil with a blue ass, blue ass, blue ass Devil with a blue ass-gun!”

Tamiris: “He turned away so she wouldn’t notice his blue balls, but little did he realize…”

Andee: “The Mating:  Skipping all that smaltzy romance crap and going straight to the electric blue dutch oven.”

PF Bruns: ““Hey, you spend 10,000 years in a tiny lamp, and you’re gonna have a little something built up.”

and

“Flames shoot high, Flames shoot high, Flames shoot high… Propane”

JennyMe: “Attack of the werefart!”

Lovecow2000: “Whiffney My Love”

John C Bunnell: ““The Northern lights have seen queer sights,     But the queerest they ever did see,     Was the night in the pond by Camp DuMond     Joe Fraser defrosted me.”

M&M for “Real Alpholes let it out.” and “Turn around… read more »

Caption That Cover: The Last Airbiscuit

So thanks to many people on Twitter and in my email inbox who helped me with my lost cover image of blue flames from naked man ass. It’s honestly surprising that I would misplace such an epic piece of WTFery. But you know what’s even more surprising? How many flames emerge from various asses on book covers! There are a lot of combustible backsides in romance cover land, y’all. I’m not sure what that says about us, other than we like Hot Ass.

There’s regular flame:

And blue smoke:

Blue and green smoke in the front, but not the back:

And swirly gas that’s sort of greenish (I think when you can see your own farts, it’s time to see a doctor):

But alas, none of these were the blue flaming naked man ass that I was looking for. It was blue! It was flaming! And it was most definitely naked man ass. Then, thanks to @quellthesparkle and @lauren_fraser, I have FOUND the cover now permanently known in my brain as The Last… read more »

Caption That Cover: Seven Miles of Chiffon - the Winner!

Oh, that cover is so fluffy, so pretty, so… dedicated in its quest to define a Yiddish word that I love: ONGEPOTCHKET. It means, basically, “Messed up, slapped together without form, excessively and unesthetically decorated.” A restaurant that is hosed down with angels, fake snow and overdone twinkly candles? Ongepotchket. Curiously flexible humans on a bed of lavender fabricplosion? Ongepotchket!

So that’s my word - but I’ve already won because I read this book and enjoyed it. So it’s time to crown the winner of the Caption That Cover contest!

First: Honorable mentions go to the following find folks and their suggested one-word descriptions:

Pamela C: gesundheit Jayne: textilphilia Kristi: fluffstrosity Kaelie: Itchy thetawnytart: tramp l’oeil Ana: fuchsiarrhea Jason: dry clean only

But the winner of the Caption That Cover: One Word edition is: jayhjay for “Organzasm. I read that and spit soda out my mouth - and several of you did too, if the comments are to be believed. JayHJay, email me at sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom with your mailing address and the bookstore of your choosing. I’ll send a copy of the book and a $25 gift card to said… read more »

Caption That Cover: Seven Miles of Chiffon

People were amazed that I didn’t have a word to say about Evangeline Collins’ cover. Of course I did. I have an entire entry’s worth of comments on that fluffy monstrosity of purple and fuchsia.

But I figured it would be MUCH more fun to challenge you to Caption That Cover - so it’s fun and games and contest time! Have a long, sweeping look at this cover:

Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to caption that cover Using Only One Word. I won’t even give you samples. I don’t want to take one away. Your best one-word caption could win you (a) a paper copy of the book and (b) a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choosing. You have 24 hours to caption that cover - with Only One Word.

Standard disclaimers apply: I’m not being compensated for this giveaway, except to deny myself the pleasure of looking at the cover again and again so as to reassure myself that it is real. Slippery When Wet. No shirt, no shoes, no service. I believe I can call. I think I’ll use the phone in the hall. I’ll… read more »

Winner: Caption That Cover, Nip Suck Edition

Oh, the funny funny that can be inspired by the epic and frightening man titty. Behold the winner of the Nip Suck Caption Contest.

Honorable Mention goes to:

Linsalot for “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man. Rio will be that man; better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster and most importantly with bigger man-titty, long blue hair and a meticulously manscaped underarm”

For some reason, the word “manscaped” always makes me giggle.

Mari for “...In just 7 days, I can make you a maaa…nnn…” or was that a jump to the left?

and Kathlyn for And for his third wish, he asked the beautiful Genie for a little head.

But so many of you laughed as hard as I did at the winning entry. And so, I proclaim Pam the Winner of a $25 gift card to the bookstore of her choice for this entry of fantasmic excellence in song lyric rewriting:

His name is Rio and he dances in the sand— His head is tiny though he’s such a manly man— Oh,… read more »

Caption That Cover: Nip/Suck Edition

Kimberly sent me a link to the following cover, and I stared at it for a good ten minutes.

Please, for the love of all that is holy, tell me what happened to this guy? Caption this cover! You’ve got 24 hours, and I’ve got a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choice, if you can caption this cover and tell me… what went wrong, oh, so very, very wrong?

Standard disclaimer: I have no idea what happened to that man. I am not being compensated for this giveaway. Please see your doctor for an erection lasting more than four hours. Do not taunt happy fun ball. It rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs.

Caption That Cover: Nosehair Winner

That’s right - you win nosehair! Just kidding.

While I wish I could give away legless levitation with glowing ass powers, alas, my powers are limited to a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of the winner’s choosing for winning the Caption That Cover: Nosehair Edition contest, featuring one of the very worst covers I’ve seen in a long time.

Honorable mentions:

redcrow for “glittery anus”

Nadia for “In a world where their love is only limited by her supply of those little Tabasco packets you get at Chick-Fil-A, together they…Wait for Dusk!”

Castiron for “She’s a rare example of the Shining Rear Vampire.”

Natalie Hart for “She wanted to go down on him, but there didn’t seem to be any *there* there ... perhaps ... his nose was so large, and so hard ... it was worth a shot.”

First runner up:

Linsalot for “He had narcolepsy, She had halitosis.  They were never meant to be together, but fate intervened and one legless night in a cave was all it took to change thier lives forever.”

And the winner: Kathleen for:

She wanted a man who could find her tapeworm.

He wanted a woman… read more »

Caption That Cover: Nosehair Edition

I received a copy of this book in the mail, and I stared at the cover for a good five minutes trying to figure out what in the name of potpourri was going on there. Take a look:

First, this is one of the worst Photoshopped covers I’ve seen in forever. I can’t even find a digital image that truly showcases the hatchet and machete job of cut & paste that’s going on up in here. In the actual book cover, you can see this fugly line around the couple where they were dropped in front of the rocky background, and it’s so obvious you think it’s embossing, but no, run your finger over it and it’s flat. Maybe someone got crazy with the drop shadow and outer glow tools.

Hold up, here’s a scan.

Caption That Bedsheet Cover: The Winners

Oh, the fun of a Caption That Cover when the cover is so completely barmy.

Here, have another look:

Ahh. Nothing like some sweet, busty WTFery in the morning, right?

So, without further ado, the honorable mentions in our cover captioning contest. The entries ranged from…

The domestic:

Kathy: “Now look, this is how we hang the sheets at my mother’s house.  Are you watching?  See, it’s just that easy.”

Laurie: This is the way we wash the sheets (wash the sheets, wash the sheets), this is the way we wash the sheets, so early in the morning.

The silly:

Lisa Law: Look out your window at your man. Now look at me. Now look at your man’s nipple. Now look at mine…”

Snidley Whiplash: I couldn’t help but notice, the carpet doesn’t match the drapes

Ruby Duvall:

Hello, ladies. Look at my hand, now back at my chest, now back at my hand, NOW BACK AT MY PECS. Where are you? You’re in a hot air balloon, with the man your man could smell like!!!

The breasty:

Brianna: ‘Hello, I am your lactation consultant for today.… read more »

Caption That Cover

While looking up the links for the Alexis Harrington review, I found this cover:

WOW. OH, man, what the hell is he doing? No, really, tell me: what the hell is going on in there? Caption this cover! You’ve got 24 hours to leave your best caption in the comments. I’ll pick the winner (and feel free to nudge my vote), who will receive a $25 gift card to the bookstore of his or her choice.

Really, what the hell is going on in there?!

Caption That Cover: Holiday Edition - The Winner!

Time to announce the winner for our holiday Caption That Cover contest, which I started calling “Caption Underpants” about 3pm on Christmas Eve when I’d snorted tea up my nose about six times already. Damn, you are some funny people. What’s in your egg nog?

So, first, we have the Honorable Mention entries:

Shirin Dubbin for “If that’s holly I’d expect a lot more pricks.”

Warren for “Yeah Craig, I’m pretty sure it’s not deck your balls with boughs of holly.”

Maggie Robinson for “A Visit from St. Prickolas.”

Amanda for “Now there’s some berries that are safe to eat.”

Nadia for: “You’ll shoot your eye out!”

And of course, we had all the Carol Parodies you can… shake a stick at:

Anel Viz: “Wenceslas slipped down his pants. What a feast for Steven!”

Amy for : God rest ye, merry gentlemen
 As “merry” as can be
 John Cryer in a zippered fleece 
And that’s not Charlie Sheen
 The decorations “hung” so nicely
 on a well-erected tree

Oh, tidings of boy-on-boy, boy-on-boy
 Oh tidings of boy-on-boy

Tina C. for: “Jingle bell time is a swell time…”

Wendy for: “Do you see what I see?”

edieharris for: “Johnny knew that… read more »

Caption That Cover: Holiday Edition

So many people have written to me asking about the Dreamspinner ad running in our ad column. Some are dying to talk about it, some are asking me to create a thread just to discuss it, and some are absolutely turned off. What, a man with his pants down wearing some mistletoe around another area that may in fact be well hung is worth talking about?

You bet your sweet bippy. So with the generosity of Elizabeth, head of Dreamspinner, who sent me a big ol’ high res version of the cover so you can appreciate the pants mistletoe’d man in all his splendor, we have: Holiday Caption That Cover!

Leave your caption in the comments, and on Christmas Day, I’ll pick a winner. Said winner will receive a $50 gift certificate to the bookstore of their choice. Comments will close at midnight on Christmas Eve, Eastern Standard Time - I hear Santa needs to borrow those tightie whities for a trip round the world, you know?

Mad props and full credit for the image go to Paul Richmond, the artist who created this holiday wonderpiece. And oh, what a wonder… read more »

Winners for Caption That Cover Contest

Oh, the fine fine collarbone shot that has shown up in three covers so far, prompting… caption time!

After reading through the snort-worthy comments, I’ve picked the runner up, and the winner, and also picked up a soreness in my side from giggling.

The runner up, deserving of mad props and big ups and other assorted celebrations for awesomeness: Caroline for “How many more covers to we have to hold this position for? My neck is killing me!”

And the winner, who will receive a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of his or her choosing: Galadriel for “It was rough being a vampire with narcolepsy. Unfortunately for Lord Richard Wimple Bludvillieres IV (better known to his friends as ‘Bob the Toothless’), what should have brought his victims ‘the little death’ more often ended in ‘the little sleep’.”

Bob the toothless! HA!

Congrats Galadriel - email me at SarahAT smartbitchestrashybookDOTcom with your email address and the bookstore at which you’d like to be shopping. Thanks for the awesome entries, y’all, and feel free to keep sending me your WTFery in cover formation.

Caption That Cover: Collarbone Edition

There’s this guy, see, and he really, really likes clavicles. And the subtext of romance doesn’t examine enough the intricate allure of the collarbone - so his deepest desire is to highlight this really, really hawt body part.

That’s the only reason I can come up with for the following reuse of stock imagery. I mean, maybe there really isn’t that much stock photography in the world that’s any good.

First: Collarbone and Castle!

Winner: Caption That Cover

It was a hot mess of Photoshop WTFery, and in the end, the captions were AWESOME. Behold the runners up and the winner in our latest caption that cover contest.

Wait, you want another look at the cover? Oh, ok! Sure!