Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Caption That Cover: Jessica Blair Edition - the Winner!

Oh, geez, this was so difficult! It was like a whole thread of unending awesome and corduroy, the Jessica Blair Edition of Caption That Cover.

But I have to woman up and pick the winners in our caption that cover contest. I wish this lady would help me, but no, just stink eye for me.

And now, the honorable mentions:

Wingednike: "Your "Let's do it for our country" line won't work on me this time"

Chocaholicblonde: I never fake a sarcasm. 

AnimeJune: "Well *I* was as silent as the snow BEFORE it was cool."

AnimeJune: "I'm going to need to check your credit rating, tax records, and family history before I agree to release these puppies from their green cashmere cage."

Caption That Cover: Jessica Blair Edition

So many of you have forwarded me the articles regarding author Jessica Blair, who is really an 89 year old gentleman named Bill Spence: 

The grandfather from Ampleforth, North Yorkshire, was told his books would need to be printed under a feminine moniker if he wanted them to sell - and so his pseudonym Jessica Blair was born.

Bill, 89, has so far written 22 romance novels under the female pen name since his first was published in 1993, with his latest, Silence of the Snow, due out this week.

I love how happy he is, and cheers to him on his success. This guy looks charming and I bet he'd be rolling fun to have a beer with. 

But as CC pointed out, when she forwarded me the link to the story, have a look at his upcoming book:

To quote CC, "What on earth is she thinking in that picture?! I'm thinking she's thinking, 'Whatevs, Can we just get this… read more »

Caption That Cover: Lord of the Windstorm Winner!

Ah, Lord Icy Firepants, he inspores SO MANY! Let's gaze upon his frosty parts again: 

Several of the entries referenced Stygian, so have another look at him, too. And if you see his head somewhere, let me know? 

Picking the winning caption was no easy task. But I worked through the fiery challenges of the decision. I asked Mr. Stygian for help, but he really wasn't able to offer much assistance, beyond pointing not-so-subtly at his groin. But, By the Power of Flamecrotch… I HAVE THE WINNERS!  Now it's time to crown this week's Caption That Cover champion from the fiery, fearless folks who dared to explain…what the hell was going on… read more »

Caption That Cover: Lord of the Windstorm Edition

In a recent roundup of books on sale, FairyKat asked very nicely if we could caption one of the covers. I don't see why. Do you? 

The thing I question most is, where did his legs go? Are his legs with this guy's head?!

Caption That Cover: Cliffhanger Edition - The Winner!

Now THAT's a cliff worth worrying about, yo. Have one last long, epic look before I announce the winners. 

Y'all are some funny people, yo. The entries were making me screamlaugh and scare the dogs - and any stray mountain climbers. 

And now, the honorable mentions!

Caption That Cover: Cliffhanger Edition

Lauren sent me this cover. I feel like I owe her a puppy or something. LOOK. It's got purple mountain's majesty and everything: 

You know there is only ONE THING we can do with a cover that... pointed. Caption it! You've got 48 hours to caption that cover in the comments below. I'll pick the winner but you can try to sway my vote by liking the captions you enjoy most. The winner will receive a $25 giftcard to the bookstore of his or her choice. 

I hope the winner buys books on moutain climbing. 

Standard disclaimers apply: I'm not being compensated by this giveaway (except for the ab workout from laughing so hard). Void where prohibited. Must be over 18 years of age and wearing crampons. Open to international residents. No matter what anyone says, don't pull his finger or grab his rope. Swing low, sweet chariot. 

Ready, set... CLIMB! 

Caption That Cover: Little Bird Winner!

What hilariousness - you are all very funny people, and this contest was made even more interesting by author Virginia Henley stopping by to tell us about the artist, and agreeing with us about Fabio's nipples.

And now, the honorable mentions: 

StarOpal: While she knew he called it "Little Hawk," she couldn't help but think that he'd maybe gone too far with the piercing.

Tam: "This is Paul. Want to see Peter?"

Jennifer: "Pecker? I merely tweeted her."

VandyJ: "He didn't know how to tell her it was the bird, not the pussy cat, that got him hot and bothered."

Mariec: "As she gazed into his vacant eyes, she realized he didn't quite grasp the concept of tweeting…"

Megsan "There were rumours that he was in possession of the highly prized "hairy bird". What this was exactly nobody could say but speculation - the kind that makes proper young ladies wide-eyed and in need of their smelling salts - was rampant. Little did they know that it truly… read more »

Caption That Cover: Little Bird Edition

Happy gratuitous candy day! I hope, if you celebrate Halloween, that you get all the best kinds of candy that you like, and none of those Necco wafers, unless you like them, in which case, give me your address and I'll send you mine.

I received this email from Heather, who said, "Yes, I was shelving books in the romance section again. I found these treasures that simply demanded to be shared. This cover from "The Hawk and the Dove" is a fine example (from 1988!!!) of the heroine not laying in the hero's arms like a limp noodle."

WHY YES. Yes, it is a fine example both of 1988 and of non-limp-noodle-heroines. Have a look!

Caption That Cover: Olympic Poster Edition Winners!

Dude. I love Caption That Cover contests, but picking the winners is TOUGH. You are some FUNNY PEOPLE. But you knew that.

The captions for the 1912 Olympic Poster from Stockholm, where there were chariots of some kind of fire coming out of his crotch, were marvelous. Have another look at all his majesty:

 And now to award the winners!

Caption That Caption: Olympic Poster Edition!

Laurie F. sent me this poster, which she found via Facebook, and said it reminded her of Caption That Cover. I SHOULD SAY SO. Since it's the last few days of the Olympics (*sniffle*) I thought, why not a Caption That Cover for an Olympic poster? 

I mean, come on. Have a look at this: 

Posters of dudes just don't get any better than that. Unless you're an Olympic rower in spandex, in which case you are all of the awesome. 

The 1912 Stockholm games were also known as the Games of the V Olympiad. DUDE. The potential amazingness of a V Olympiad is unparalleled. Midwives vs. Obstetricians? Formula vs. Breastmilk? Rush Limbaugh vs. All The Women? Anyway. 

Here's a bit of interesting trivia via Wikipedia that has nothing to do with captioning Sir Ropes of Crotch up there: 

Kanakuri Shizō, a Japanese marathon runner went missing during the race. He stopped at a party taking place in a villa on the… read more »

Caption That Cover: Subdivision Edition Winners!

Here. Gaze upon Comfort Cove again. Feel the mystery surround you. 

Really, you have to wonder, right? How did that happen - whether "that" is the basketball hoop, the cover art, or the decision in general is totally up to you. So let's crown the winners in the Caption That Cover: Subdivision Edition contest! Many of your comments fell into a few key categories. 

Caption That Cover: Subdivision Edition

At last week's Sizzling Book Club Chat, Elyssa gave us the link to a cover that was incredibly dull.  I called The Most Boring Cover Ever. She called it "Real estate pron, I guess?"  Have a look: 

WHAT happened in Comfort Cove? Were all the people sucked up by alien spaceships? Holy crap, are Mulder and Scully or the Doctor going to show up any minute and fix this cover? Or is the basketball the protagonist, much like that beaver in that misguided Mel Gibson movie? 

This is a mystery, and a perfect candidate for Caption That Cover. Your job: Caption It! The basketball? The houses? The trees? The clouds? Who knows? It's totally up to you - get crazy with the Cheez Whiz. Best caption wins a $25 gift card to the bookstore of the winner's choosing - and you're free to like and promote and congratulate effusively the captions you like best to try to sway my selection. Sway me, sway me like those frightening still trees on that cover. 

You've got 48 hours: ready, set, caption... in Comfort Cove! 

Caption This Cover: HORROR EDITION Winners!

Should I infict the clown cover upon you another time? Yes, I think I shall: 

She's got pigtails and a considering expression on her face.

He's, well, if you have a clown phobia, he's the most terrifying ever. If you don't have a clown phobia, he's still kind of terrifying.

So who wins the caption that cover HORROR EDITION?

Caption This Cover: HORROR EDITION

I apologize in advance for this cover, as I know you're all going to scream. I tweeted it last week and people were hollering at me on Twitter for hours afterward. Nightmares, twitches and phobias, all awakened by a single romance cover. 

It's so awful, I'm going to put a second silly cover beneath it to help sooth your ravaged psyche. You ready?

Caption That Cover: The Winners

Oh Geez. At RT, even, people came up to tell me how funny that comment thread was. You're ridiculous good, people. Choosing a winner is seriously difficult.

So, here, have a last look at Fire's Tender What Now: 

The Honorable Mentions go to: