Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Caption This Cover: Carpet Edition Winners!

Oh, gracious. The entries for this week's Caption This Cover: Carpet Edition were the warp and weft of awesome. It was nearly impossible to narrow down the winners. I also can't believe that I blanked on the fact that we'd snarked this cover some years ago. Some things, like rugs that look like alligator heads, never age, or hang around your brain even though they totally should. 

So! Without futher ado, the Honorable Mentions for the Caption This Cover contest: 

Faellie: "He's the ideal member for your male harem, and he can cut a rug, too."

Kaetrin: "Cold winter nights causing shrinkage? Worry no more!

New from the makers of the Snuggie comes the Woodie. Protect your package with the all new Woodie and the disparaging gossip will be a thing of the past.

Your special someone won't be able to resist you when you: "Keep it warm with a Woodie!!"

Caption This Cover: Carpet Edition

Jan Oda sent me this cover, and all the possible jokes ran to the front of my brain and pushed each other like the doors just opened at Target and everything was 65% off.I'm not sure if there's been a better candidate for "Caption That Cover" - well, of course there have, but not this week!

I mean, from jokes about munching carpet to whether the rug matches the drapes to what REALLY goes on in NJ, there's no shortage (heh) of opportunities here. So here we go! It's Caption That Cover time! 

Leave your caption in the comments, and I'll pick the best one. The champion captioner will win a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of his or her choosing. 

Standard disclaimers apply. I'm not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Open to those 18… read more »

Caption This Cover: Absent Asscrack Winners!

The absence of buttcrack yields only the finest in creativity! Time to announce the winner of our latest “Caption That Cover” contest, where you plumbed the depths of humor without reservation. Alas, this poor woman will not be saved by anything, particularly not any backdoor action.

Honorable Mentions go to:

CK for “Shut the back door!”

azteclady for “Which part of “do not enter” you didn’t get?”

Lucy Woodhull for “Felicity’s jonesing for an asshole.  Can a girl get a butt butt?”

RH Rush for “He would have loved to be in her ass, savin’ her life—but sadly, it appeared she was destined for certain death.”

Darlynne for “Dammit, first my wallet, then my keys, now my asshole. Where is this stuff going?”

Allison for “My mama always said I couldn’t tell my ass from my elbow…”

VandyJ for “After all this time, Barbie was still a tease, all talk, no place for action.”

and Sarah W for ““Other girls like to act holier than thou.  Felicity Jones has to.”

Our first runner up is Cathy KJ… read more »

Caption This Cover: I Can’t Have That

This cover was sent to me in the email by an anonymous source. I tweeted about it last night before I had to sign off for the evening, but I had to share it with you here, too.

Why is the ass crack the most objectionable part of that image such that it had to be airbrushed shut? WHY does she have no crack?!

Caption That Cover: Flaunting Cactus Winner

Some of you were so dry and witty in your replies I thought you were telling the truth. “A little known British idiom” indeed. Who knew flaunting cacti could inspire such creativity?

The honorable mentions go to:

Tina C. for ““Flaunting Cactus” is a little-used British expression, much like “preening peacock”, that is used when someone is a prick and is not just proud of it, he puts his prickishness on display whenever possible. 

HAIKU! Deadline Hell rocks the haiku with
Flaunting Cactus is
an inwardly chafing form
of the prickly pair.

Sorcha Mowbray: “A flaunting cactus is a reference to the gyrations of her pelvis two-three days after shaving. See, the hairs get so long they can poke right through the thin material of her sundress, and since she’s not wearing any panties (heh!) she is then sporting a Flaunting Cactus. It is a derogatory term from the same creator as Bat Wings.”

Proper usage by a guy: “She came at me with that Flaunting Cactus and I jerked my equipment away afraid of permanent damage. One poke was enough, so no, we… read more »

Flaunting the Cactus: Caption That Cover!

Teri S. sent me the following book cover, saying that it HAD to be an excellent book, what with the cover and the title.

Now, I think that’s hilarious. Almost as hilarious as the couple embracing in the avocado field, which, according to the person who was looking for that book, features the tagline, “The avocado farm was going well, but who could have predicted Jane’s brain aneurysm?....” Wow. From One More Chance among the avocodos to A Flaunting Cactus, old-old-skool Harlequin titles are as much fun as the newer-old-skool titles they’ve recently stopped using.

(NB: I was reading a Sara Craven book, The Highest Stakes Of All, which was pretty much about a woman who allows her long-absent con-artist father to re-enter her life and treat her as a hot distracting accessory to his poker games, all but prostituting her while insisting she pose as his niece. I couldn’t help but wonder what the title would have been had Harlequin not switched their title style. The Assmunch Absent Father’s Highest Stakes? Folded By The Greek Billionaire’s Disdain? Overboard: Where Her Father Was Thrown?)

Anyway, I digress. Since… read more »

Caption That Cover:The Ducktastic Winner

Oh, the Balloony Tunes, and your magical Duck Shack captions. Without further ado, I present the runners up and the winner of our latest Caption That Cover contest.

Honorable Mentions go to:

Deadline Hell: “One ‘stash to rule them all
One ‘stash to find them
One ‘stash to bring them all and in the mom jeans bind them
In the land of the Duck Shack, where giant yellow sperm fly”

Cathy: “As Nick embraced Cara, he realized that he’d forgotten to bring condoms on their weekend getaway.  Good thing he was dating a woman with a balloon fetish!”

Barbara: “Burt’s pained expression said it all: would Cindy ever realize he wasn’t from around here?  If their miniature glowing kids hadn’t been enough of a clue, his giant floating sperm should have set off alarms.  Her insistence that they were “balloons” was beginning to get on his nerves.”

Kathleen: “He knew any woman who nicknamed her uterus “the duck shack” would have no problem birthing large, healthy babies…but the bike was impressive.”

Kathlyn: “The Duck Shack Agreement: If by the time we… read more »

Caption That Cover: Duck Shack Edition

You know, when I saw the Blue Flames of Naked Man Ass cover, I didn’t think anything could top it for sheer transfixing silliness. Then there was Crop Circles and the Mystery Stare. And I didn’t think that a more bizarre collection of images could be found. Then, while hunting (huh) for Duck!, one of the DABWAHA reader nominees, I found this piece of excellent:

WOW. The ‘stache! The hair! The sweatshirt! The perm! THE NAME ON HER SWEATSHIRT. I love all thing Balloony.

So you guessed it: time to Caption That Cover. What’s the blurb? What are they saying? What’s with the slightly unimpressive yet suggestive lighthouse? Why are there glowing children emerging from her mom jeans riding a bicycle in an unsafe manner? What in the name of home perms is going on here?!

Best caption in the comments will win $25 to the bookstore of your choice - and as usual you have 24 hours. Standard disclaimers apply: I’m not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Perm at your own risk. Hey, where’s Perry?

Caption That Cover: Mystery of the Backside

Alert reader Heather forwarded me the following cover, and said that the minute she saw it, she thought of us.

Isn’t that kind of her? Thank you, Heather! Now, everyone can say thanks to Heather because holy mother of all that is ponderous, does that image ever cry out for another round of Caption That Cover. As Heather said, “What is it with covers of guys backs with them looking down? Looks like he’s looking at his crotch.  Is he getting ready to unzip and take a wiz?  Honestly, that’s what it looks like. This is one time when cropping the head and just having a view of a nice back would have worked much better.”

She has a point. I showed it to Hubby and said, “What’s he doing?” The answer: “Peeing.”

So, folks, it’s time to Caption That Cover and answer that burning question: What’s going on there? What’s he thinking? What’s he… doing? Best caption as picked by me will win a $25 gift card to the bookstore of the winner’s choice - but you are, as always, welcome to pimp your favorites and tell me which one… read more »

The Last Airbiscuit: The Winner

Oh, the fun, the humor, the impossible excellence of blue flames from a naked man ass. Here are the honorable mentions in our Caption That Cover contest:

Susan Reader for “Blew/Blue Halloo”

Lori for “Dude, I may be your best friend, but even I’m not sniffing your ass.”

queenmama for “Natural gas: clean, economical, and sexy.”

hapax: “Devil with a blue ass, blue ass, blue ass
Devil with a blue ass-gun!”

Tamiris: “He turned away so she wouldn’t notice his blue balls, but little did he realize…”

Andee: “The Mating:  Skipping all that smaltzy romance crap and going straight to the electric blue dutch oven.”

PF Bruns: ““Hey, you spend 10,000 years in a tiny lamp, and you’re gonna have a little something built up.”

and

“Flames shoot high, Flames shoot high, Flames shoot high… Propane”

JennyMe: “Attack of the werefart!”

Lovecow2000: “Whiffney My Love”

John C Bunnell: ““The Northern lights have seen queer sights,
    But the queerest they ever did see,
    Was the night in the pond by Camp DuMond
    Joe Fraser defrosted me.”

M&M… read more »

Caption That Cover: The Last Airbiscuit

So thanks to many people on Twitter and in my email inbox who helped me with my lost cover image of blue flames from naked man ass. It’s honestly surprising that I would misplace such an epic piece of WTFery. But you know what’s even more surprising? How many flames emerge from various asses on book covers! There are a lot of combustible backsides in romance cover land, y’all. I’m not sure what that says about us, other than we like Hot Ass.

There’s regular flame:

And blue smoke:

Blue and green smoke in the front, but not the back:

And swirly gas that’s sort of greenish (I think when you can see your own farts, it’s time to see a doctor):

But alas, none of these were the blue flaming naked man ass that I was looking for. It was blue! It was flaming! And it was most definitely naked man ass. Then, thanks to @quellthesparkle and @lauren_fraser, I have FOUND the cover now permanently known in my brain as… read more »

Caption That Cover: Seven Miles of Chiffon - the Winner!

Oh, that cover is so fluffy, so pretty, so… dedicated in its quest to define a Yiddish word that I love: ONGEPOTCHKET. It means, basically, “Messed up, slapped together without form, excessively and unesthetically decorated.” A restaurant that is hosed down with angels, fake snow and overdone twinkly candles? Ongepotchket. Curiously flexible humans on a bed of lavender fabricplosion? Ongepotchket!

So that’s my word - but I’ve already won because I read this book and enjoyed it. So it’s time to crown the winner of the Caption That Cover contest!

First: Honorable mentions go to the following find folks and their suggested one-word descriptions:

Pamela C: gesundheit
Jayne: textilphilia
Kristi: fluffstrosity
Kaelie: Itchy
thetawnytart: tramp l’oeil
Ana: fuchsiarrhea
Jason: dry clean only

But the winner of the Caption That Cover: One Word edition is: jayhjay for “Organzasm. I read that and spit soda out my mouth - and several of you did too, if the comments are to be believed. JayHJay, email me at sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom with your mailing address and the bookstore of your choosing. I’ll send… read more »

Caption That Cover: Seven Miles of Chiffon

People were amazed that I didn’t have a word to say about Evangeline Collins’ cover. Of course I did. I have an entire entry’s worth of comments on that fluffy monstrosity of purple and fuchsia.

But I figured it would be MUCH more fun to challenge you to Caption That Cover - so it’s fun and games and contest time! Have a long, sweeping look at this cover:

Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to caption that cover Using Only One Word. I won’t even give you samples. I don’t want to take one away. Your best one-word caption could win you (a) a paper copy of the book and (b) a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choosing. You have 24 hours to caption that cover - with Only One Word.

Standard disclaimers apply: I’m not being compensated for this giveaway, except to deny myself the pleasure of looking at the cover again and again so as to reassure myself that it is real. Slippery When Wet. No shirt, no shoes, no service. I believe I can call. I think I’ll use the phone in the hall.… read more »

Winner: Caption That Cover, Nip Suck Edition

Oh, the funny funny that can be inspired by the epic and frightening man titty. Behold the winner of the Nip Suck Caption Contest.

Honorable Mention goes to:

Linsalot for “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man. Rio will be that man; better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster and most importantly with bigger man-titty, long blue hair and a meticulously manscaped underarm”

For some reason, the word “manscaped” always makes me giggle.

Mari for “...In just 7 days, I can make you a maaa…nnn…”
or was that a jump to the left?

and Kathlyn for And for his third wish, he asked the beautiful Genie for a little head.

But so many of you laughed as hard as I did at the winning entry. And so, I proclaim Pam the Winner of a $25 gift card to the bookstore of her choice for this entry of fantasmic excellence in song lyric rewriting:

His name is Rio and he dances in the sand—
His head… read more »

Caption That Cover: Nip/Suck Edition

Kimberly sent me a link to the following cover, and I stared at it for a good ten minutes.

Please, for the love of all that is holy, tell me what happened to this guy? Caption this cover! You’ve got 24 hours, and I’ve got a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choice, if you can caption this cover and tell me… what went wrong, oh, so very, very wrong?

Standard disclaimer: I have no idea what happened to that man. I am not being compensated for this giveaway. Please see your doctor for an erection lasting more than four hours. Do not taunt happy fun ball. It rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs.