Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

The Little Mermaid was captured and forced to perform for an audience. Thankfully, more people were interested in watching the Cinderella’s stripper act on the main stage.

performance anxiety

or how about,  staged sex

I need a coffee, my neurones are not firing…

sideshow

Meanwhile, behind the curtain. . .

Actor: Please, let me kiss you!

Actress: No, I am trying to see the handsome man in the corner.

Actor: *looks* That’s your brother!

Actress: *sighs dreamily* I know!

Wilhelmina was trying to practice her role as she lounged decoratively on the divan, when Tony settled down behind her to breathe heavily into her ear. As she slowly turned her face towards his she tried to decide whether to give into irritation or lust. To push him away or to yank him on top of her.

Dude, why do I think this cover isn’t so bad?! What’s wrong with me?!

I kinda like the colors…okay, someone punch me!

No, no,  Antoine, it’s too late. Save yourself. The python has already reached my hips. Remember…I always loved you….

::dies prettily::

She:“Hold on, I’ve got something for you

*farting sound*

OK, now what were you saying?”

Sorry - but the way her hips look tilted in that dress arrangement brought out the 11 year old boy in me (can you tell my son has been making a lot of fart jokes lately?)

Oops - formatting error - there should be “farting sound” in between the brackets.

Sort of ruins the joke, huh?

What happened>? Why did you wake me? Why are there all these people in my bedroom? Is this one of those dreams where I forget my lines?

Ooh, my word is himself 99, maybe it’s a meeting of the clones.

Not now, darling—why don’t you go fiddle with yourself while I watch Rome burn?

Della Reese wondered how bondage strap-on buttsecks (ironically staged behind the audience by the master of modern theater Bob “The Rock” Gibralter) would solve the case, but trusted Perry’s intuition. She was proven right when the murderer dropped a curtain on their heads, but would she make it out of the golden cord and her cross-dressing lover’s embrace in time to testify, or die buried under 50 pounds of cheap velvet?

As Chip’s hand went into the dress and down the back of his lovely Esmeralda, he began to squeeze her precious buttocks. He went lower, in between her legs, and a shudder went through him when he felt two pair of perfectly round balls.

Taking it Public (I get off on being watched)
You’re Doing it Wrong (It goes in the other way)
Balcony Love (since we can’t have Sex on the Beach)
The Mummy Princess (try getting out of this dress)
Tie Me Up (and then tie me down)

Pardon Me. (Do you have any Grey Poupon?)

Exit Stage Left

She:“Hold on, I’ve got something for you

<>

OK, now what were you saying?”

Bren, even with the formatting error, once I read your explanation, this made me literally laugh out loud. And I’m still giggling. I hear the “Hold on, I’ve got something for you” in a kind of passionate whisper, mid-clench.

I vote for Bren!

Oops! The formatting errors are catching! I forgot to put your caption in quotes. :)

What do you mean, I’ve attached the legs wrong? I followed the assembly instructions to the letter! There’s nothing amiss with my polyester girl.

“Darling, no. You and I both remember what happened the last time you got a little overenthusiastic in bed.”

~or~

While she might enjoy it at the time, Anton was so well-hung that it left her walking funny for days.

Naomi Judd often missed her days as the living statue of Red Hell Theatre.  Missed those nights, artfully strapped to her bench with golden cords, as the equally golden Rolof cleaned her eyebrows with his tongue.

Can has hip replacement?

I’m with Lizzie. Bren wins, hands down!

Now, will somebody please light a match? Or, you know, someone in the audience is going to turn around and say, “Eww! Somebody cut the cheese!” and then the inevitable reply of “Yeah? Well, he who smelt it, dealt it!”

Unfortunately for Brendan, the curtain came down before the first act was over. He didn’t find her, “Don’t worry, it happens to all men.” comforting in the least.

“Bob, wait!” She whispered. “I have the strangest feeling we’re not alone!”

—-
But seriously, what the heck is going on with her left hand?

It was only five minutes into his new burlesque ventriloquism act, that the audience turned their backs on Rory.

All the world is a stage, and…but wait! Why is everyone looking away? Damn, they probably think we’re Romance Novel Cover Models. Yoo hoo! I really can bend this way…lookie! And the gold rope curtain tiebacks do not hinder me in the least..

LOL I vote for snarkhunter.

The magical peacock lifted its tail, allowing Excretia and her lover a glimpse of the audience while remainining unseen. Traveling unseen in a peacock’s bum was a most novel form of transport. Dirk glanced with disinterest at the assemblage, then turned his back-nothing outside their secret peacock hideaway compared to Excretia’s beauty.

“Dr. Gildenhair leaned forward to make sure his patient was sufficiently medicated before he began the proctology exam.  ‘There’s a group of residents observing from the gallery today,’ he murmured.  ‘Try to make it as dramatic as possible.’”

Okay, for the next pose on Couples Yoga…

“Shhh, this is my favorite part.”

Got voyeurism?

“Don’t worry darling, your parents aren’t even looking.”

Wow, this one is hard.

How about, “Momma’s Got a Squeezebox”

Shoddy, I know, but not enough Java to think straight.

Peyton and Ash knew they’d have a tough time breaking in to the strip show business.  To their frustration, though, even daily practice on the side stage wasn’t enough to overcome the crowd’s disinterest in their fancy dress historical theme.

“Yeah, that’s great, sweetie. Torrid passion, uh-huh. Oh, totally pulsing. Yeah. Hey, would you be a dear and go get me some Jujubes?”

Oh dahlink, I’d love to do the opera with you, but my hips need to be put back into place.

The box was all about being seen, and Alana was going to use that to her full advantage.  Someone was going to give her ass a standing ovation, and it wasn’t going to be this clown.

“You’re blocking my view, darling.”

“The next scene.  Let me show you.”

“We must be discreet about our secret love, momma.”

Lustily, the virile King Henry thrust his new bride down upon the silken pillows. “Thou shalt get kings of me,” he growled seductively into her ear. “I will have a son of thee, wench. Open thy legs and receive me—thy king commands it!”
“Permit me a moment,” murmured his bride. “A moment . . . wait . . . a little more . . . ah. Miscarriage finished. Mariah, take it away, and bring his Majesty another trough of oysters. Thank you. Proceed, your majesty.”

“Look Away, My Love, Look Away.”
(What ARE they all looking at in different directions?)

Or:
“Shh, Do You Hear Something?”

Or:
“Public Chiropractic for Sex-Industry Workers”

I vote Jen C.
Also, am I the only one who thinks she looks less like she is lounging seductively, and more like she is about to give birth?
Maybe he is whispering lamaze directions to her…
“You’re beautiful my darling Natasha, and I’m so proud of you.  Now breath with me.”
“I hate you Claude, and you’re never touching me again!”

“No, Scotty, honey.  You screwed up the transporter beam again.  I am not having sex with you just so you can do it sideways.  By the way, did anyone tell you that you look suspiciously like a muppet?”

She had a trick hip and liked an audience .

He had a poofy shirt and a thing for contortionists and bondage.

Together, they shared a magical, bend-y love that knew no bounds in their GILDED CAGE.

Real Doll goes to the theater.

Vote-wise, it’s Ann Somerville, ftw!

Aw, damn.  I was going to come up with something brilliant, but then I read Cheyenne McCray’s “You’re Doin It Wrong.”  There’s no way I can top that.

“Sorry, honey.  Not in my box.”

How could they keep the baby secret . . . when they left their GILDED CAGE?

Because that thing that might be her hip?  Totally a secret baby.

I was going to make a mermaid joke, but Emmy did it better than I could. I vote for Emmy

needs69—Seriously? too much work for me!

“IS that Abraham Lincoln over there?”

Please, darling, I didn’t teleport my bedchamber to the opera just so I could stare at your shiny chest.

“Insert Finger Here”

Once intermission was over, Angelique and Raoul could get back to… the drama.

or

While the audience was distracted by the fiery horror of the Molotov-cocktail-juggling clown onstage, Miranda and her bodyguard… relaxed.

or

“Wait, Steve, did you hear that? There’s a hot dog vendor in the house!”

When Frankenstein’s next experiment goes horribly wrong, he creates a Gilded Cage in which to keep his beautiful and helplessly deformed beloved.

I’m sorry, but this scene has already been captioned by Andrew Lloyd Weber.

“Slowleee, gentleee, I unfurl my SPLENDOR!
GRASP it, SENSE it,
TREMULOUS and TENDER ...
Turn! Your! Face! Away!
From! the! Garish! Light! of Day!
Turn your thoughts away!
from the cold, unfeeling light!
and listen TO THE MUSIC OF THE NIGHT ... !”

gah! my word was turn69!

“Are you SURE you’re a REAL chiropractor?”

If I weren’t at work, I’d see if I could replicate this woman’s posture.  I’m entirely sure it’s possible.  ...I agree that her hip is not actually her hip.

A Comedy of Errors.

“Shit, honey, I forgot the lube.”

As soon as Edmond heard the sickening crunch of her spine, he knew his cover as a the chiropractor for the Royal Opera House was hopelessly blown.

“Is that your hip or are you just happy to see me? Hehehe… Wait. You’re a girl??”

Theatre producer to understudy:

It would be good if you, and your dress, could be done daydreaming by the end of Act 1.  That stage won’t sweep itself!”

I have tried the pose, and it is just barely possible, IF you are really into yoga.  However, comfortable, it is not! (oh my back!  What was I thinking!)

Hold, still darling…just one more thrust…and we’ll have your shoulder back in.

“Frankly, my darling, I’d rather watch Atlanta burn.”

Angelina sighed. Her evening trysts with Rutger inflamed her with passion, but every time he flung the curtain aside she froze in fear. Would Brad be in the audience? Would he find her there?

“Loretta, spread me up another one of them baloney sandwiches! “

Meanwhile, out in the lobby, Romeo and Juliet discovered the secret ingredient that makes butter-flavored movie popcorn so slippery ... yet salty.

“Yes, my darling, I hear you. You are ... OMG! Would you look at what that woman is wearing?!”

I’m not even going to attempt this one! My vote is a tie for Cheyenne McCray and Lizzy in FLA.

You know, I keep coming back to this image and staring at it as I wonder which lump is her knee, the one above or below the tie-back.  The more I stare, the more I believe the below-lump is the missing knee.  But if that’s the case. . . zomgbbq, what the fuck is the above-lump?!1!?!?!!

h/Wait. Do you hear that?

H/Wah?

h/Is that…? It is! It’s the ice cream truck!

He whispers sweet nothings while Atlanta burns in the background!

“Not Now Darling, My Back is Broken!”

“Stop it, You’re Hurting Me!”

“Is it in? Is *what* in?”

“While James attempted to screw her through her dress, Lobelia managed to smile dreamily. It isn’t hard to lie back and think of England when your virtue is protected by a whalebone bustle.”

“Yoga for Couples- the really difficult positions!”

The Theater Bed Box! This great new invention is perfect for when the show puts you to sleep or when you want to put on your own show.

or

Here Martha’s assitants are demonstrating how to make a simple curtain cord multi-task. When used with a bit of lace and a pleated pink dust ruffle your cord can create a lovely demimonde gown suitable for the theater and bondage!

“I’m sorry, Reggie, but I suddenly seem to be turned off by your polio-shriveled legs.”

In The Rear will never mean the same again….

Even after squeezing the sandworm into the dress and clapping a wig on its head, Paul Atreides wasn’t sure the illusion quite hid its undulating form. Still, if dressing it up and taking it out was what was required, then so be it. After all, the spice must flow.

“Not now, dear—nobody’s looking!”

Sadly, I don’t have a caption.

But I did notice that this author apparently wrote a book called “The Fireflower”.

I’m sorry, there’s only one Fireflower.

It look like this.

http://themushroomkingdom.net/images/smb/fire_flower.gif

I saw this in a production of The Phantom of the Opera, once.

Would this songbird ever be able to escape her captor and sing on the stage, as in her dreams?

And now…presenting…“Hamlet: The 4th Quarto”

Gertrude: ” What a piece of work is man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world - the paragon of animals!”

grunt, heave, grunt

Hamlet: “This is the very ecstasy of love!”

grunt, grunt, wince

Gertrude: “A little more kin—and less than kind.”

groan

Hamlet: “The Lady doth protest too much—methinks.”

No, wait, I have it!

“As she demurely fended off his attentions, all the more to excite his passions when she finally gave in, they were both unaware that the curtain above them was darkening…twisting…living!

At last, the lock to the Gilded Cage of Reality had been broken, and the legion Skin-Eaters of Old N’tharla’torok were among the first into the little space of light and warmth inside the Cage. These two would only be the first, and they would not have time to scream before they were smothered by the hungry, gnashing mouths. Neither would the audience of the theater. And then the rest of the void-spawn followed, and the world was drawn into eternal darkness.”

Look at that curtain above them.
I see faces.
Do you see faces?
I see Lovecraftian faces.
They are not nice faces.
Not nice faces at all.

“Not now, honey, act 2 is about to start…”

“Darling, you’re right!  Exhibitionism IS the bomb!”

Voting for:

Ms Manna said on…
09.22.08 at 06:39 AM |
“Sorry, honey.  Not in my box.”

Here’s my suggestions:

Their kinky sex knew no bounds…

A gold chastity belt guards her opera box. Can he get the lock off and stage an entrance?

She has him coming and going. Then she leaves him behind. Now can he get her back?

Aurelio has performance issues. All the world’s a cage. Then he meets a twisted vixen. Can her kinky love fix his cock block?

- and I cast a vote for AndyG’s contribution.

Since I’m an unabashed Dune lover and laugher-at-er, I must vote for Galadriel’s entry:

Even after squeezing the sandworm into the dress and clapping a wig on its head, Paul Atreides wasn’t sure the illusion quite hid its undulating form. Still, if dressing it up and taking it out was what was required, then so be it. After all, the spice must flow.

The other ushers sniggered as Jamie moved toward Mezzanine Left.  His appointment was at the velvet couch under the far stairs.  God willing, it would be both entertaining and profitable.

She was on time.  A good sign, he hoped.  Approaching from behind, he bent to her perfumed shoulder to deliver his carefully planned quip.  Only the best seat in the house for the best seat in the house, my lady.

Blast.  Judging by her scornful look, he’d have to roger her for free that night.

I am laughing so hard!

But I am definitely voting for AndieG’s!

Add a few emtpy beer bottles and some half eaten nachos and you have the backstage of any local theatre.

(Trust me I know..LOL)

Oh..wait shit what’s my line again?

Dude, is that my ass or did the baby bump move over?

He’s at the theater but the show doesn’t matter in fact they won’t even watch because she may be a mermaid with koi in her hair, but he’s been Touched By A Pink Angel…and soon, she will be too.

haha. That is a strange cover….

Enough Einstein, I smell good. Now get out of the way, I want to watch the show.

As another wave of the vapors hit her, Victoria distracted Jack to the wrong side in a poorly timed misuse of the left cheek sneak.

“Why I are you trying to kiss my temple Can’t you tell by my bored look that my back has been broken.”

Is it just me or does she look like Leslie-Ann Down circa North and South?

“Alone at last,” Hans whispered into her ear.

He began to nibble at her tender lobe, but Eloise was distracted, and she began to panic.  She truly loved him, but she just wasn’t ready to explain her dark secret.  Would he still care for her when he found out that she was secretly only three feet tall and had been standing on the shoulders of her twin sister for their entire courtship?

She didn’t believe that he could ever understand.

Whoa, my mind is officially boggled.

I’m casting a vote apiece for

evabaruk

Marla

Well done!

And if I have to choose just one, it’s evabaruk.

It was only five minutes into his new burlesque ventriloquism act, that the audience turned their backs on Rory.

The more I read that, the more I laugh. Even the name “Rory” is funny in that context, somehow.

The first caption I thought of was: “What? What?!”

I would have found a better quote, but the YouTube video has been taken off due to copyright issues.

“Do I look perfect?  Tell me, do I look perfect?”

“Yes, darling, of course.  I could just—”

“Good, now don’t come any closer.  You’ll ruin it.”

Look at that curtain above them.
I see faces.
Do you see faces?
I see Lovecraftian faces.
They are not nice faces.
Not nice faces at all.

Duuuude, Alex! You’re RIGHT! Run away! Run away! The faces…they are watching….

Ow.  I hope this is what Tyra meant when she said to be fierce.

(That was my first thought anyway - she looks like she’s trying the broken-down doll look that they love so much.  I mean, look at that hip position.)

Im in ur ass
saving ur life!

She had always wondered what a Backstage Pass was, and now she was about to find out….

Ah, what the hell. Here’s mine.

“When theater design goes bad!”

A Reader’s Guide to Victorian-Age Adult Theatre.

The Nocturnal Intermission

1.  Little did Hamlet realize that this argument with his mother would fuel years of psychoanalytical debate.
(didn’t see bethanya’s ‘til just now)

2.  Let me do some new tricks, some old and some new tricks.  I’m very…versatile.

Excuse me, can you please move? I’m trying to watch the play!

The Diva and the Chorus Boy

How he now regretted telling her to “Break a leg!”

Brings new meaning to the play A Flea in Her Ear.

While I’m on a role… She Stoops to Conquer, Endgame, and Much Ado About Nothing

No, honey, we can’t have sex here. Not right now. Someone might see us.

I’m sure President Lincoln will be fine. Take me now, Gaston!

The show’s not over until the seduced lady screams!

One more-

She says, “No, a boxed lunch does NOT come with this performance!”

...Rufus had the sneaking suspicion that /something/ was wrong, but even their private box wasn’t private enough; he had to wait until intermission before he could look at the instruction manual for his new IKEA Opera Buddy…

Ah, I just came up with one more . . .

“Is that David Hasselhoff?”

She:“Hold on, I’ve got something for you

<>

OK, now what were you saying?”

Bren, even with the formatting error, once I read your explanation, this made me literally laugh out loud. And I’m still giggling. I hear the “Hold on, I’ve got something for you” in a kind of passionate whisper, mid-clench.

I vote for Bren!

HEAR, HEAR!  She’s even holding up her hand provocatively in that universally understood “pull my finger” gesture!  :D

ROFL!

“Honey? What does ‘Sic Semper Tyrannis’ mean?”

“Ow!  Wrong hole!  WRONG HOLE!!”

Has no one brought up “Casting Couch” yet?

Casting Couch- An Actress’s Account of Sexual Harassment.

Gee honey…you need a Tic-Tac….

“Mildly disinterested passions semi-inflamed at local community theatre fundraiser, story at six.”

Spamword: “Youre53”.  No, I’m twenty-eight, actually.

When I said I wanted your dick in a box this is what I meant.

whoops, make that

“When I said I wanted your dick in a box this is not what I meant.”

BREN!

“I put my box in a box for you…”

Sequel to Stud of the Opera

When I said I wanted to go backstage, this isn’t quite what I had imagined…

Wesley couldn’t believe his good fortune in receiving a Back Stage Pass.

Someday, my love, our grandchildren will be able to do this in movie theaters, but they won’t be able to lie down.

I vote for Spider.  Still laughing.

But honey, I don’t see the show!

The stage is behind you, my sweet.  If you’ll turn over and look, you’ll definitely get a show!

“Oh, Jane, you’re beautiful red hair calls to me.  Please, may I touch it.”

“John, move out of the way.  You’re blocking my view of the theater.  I so love opera.”

“Let me remove your dress.  No one can see.”

“Okay, just slide it a bit off my shoulder.  Just as long as no one sees an ankle…or a boob.”

Sorry people.  I’m tired and this sucks.  he-he

And is it just me or does he look like a plastic He-Man doll?  Anyone?  :D

Galadriel’s entry gets my vote:

Even after squeezing the sandworm into the dress and clapping a wig on its head, Paul Atreides wasn’t sure the illusion quite hid its undulating form. Still, if dressing it up and taking it out was what was required, then so be it. After all, the spice must flow.

HAHAHAH! Love it!

wow everyone is here to see us make love.

sew your own dress, my ass, she thought. never again. as her fingers tried to clutch his shoulder she only hoped she oculd finish turning over. was it ben? frank? she could onlyhope he could answer her burning questions- “got scissors?”

tried to tell him i was too heavy, but no.. now look how she had landed! she swore, if she could remember the vulcan neck pinch, she wouldn’t be the only needing a doctor tonight!

that last bunch of meth must have had somekick. she remebered going to the theater, and she remebered him wrapping her in a rug to smuggle her in- but why hadn’t he finished getting her out of it, -and what was those faces staring at her in the curtain?!?

when she told him she liked bondage, she had no idea he meant a dress…when he said old fashioned, she didn’t know he meant pre victorian stage play….but this yoga crap on top of everything was a bit much!

I vote for Alex and the horrific Lovecraftian take on this cover!

corner23 - going back to my corner to laugh at 23 more SB comments~

“I’m Luke Skywalker, and I’m here to rescue you”

sorry, I swear, the dude is an early Mark Hamill look alike.

“TomKat’s trip to the opera”

T: How the hell do I do this again?
K: Tommy, honey, I know your agent says we need to make this convincing…but we’ve already got Suri. And this whole “two clamshells closing” position is killing my back! Oh, look this is my favorite scene…Move over just a smidge, honey.

” But I’m really not that into you D:”

“Alanis, honey, you have no idea. None,” thought Dave, rather smug.