I apologize in advance for this cover, as I know you're all going to scream. I tweeted it last week and people were hollering at me on Twitter for hours afterward. Nightmares, twitches and phobias, all awakened by a single romance cover.
It's so awful, I'm going to put a second silly cover beneath it to help sooth your ravaged psyche. You ready?
Ok, breathe! Breathe again! And look at this guy sniffing a glowing wangsword. Focus on the wangsword before you caption the clown. Breathe in, breathe out.
I think “Focus on the wangsword before you caption the clown” might be one of my most favorite sentences ever. The glowing wangsword spent a lot of time in the sidebar a month or two ago, and many of you commented on his glowing majesty. Let him guide you to mental peace and clarity before you behold the clown romance again.
Anyway, caption that clown! Leave your favorite caption for the clown in the comments, and I'll pick the winner. You can “like” your favorite comments to try to influence my voting. You've got 48 hours, and the winner will receive a $25 gift card to the bookstore of his/her choice.
And if you want to cleanse your palate by captioning the glowing wangsword, go ahead – just tag it “THE WANGSWORD” in the comments so I don't get turned around.
Standard disclaimers apply: I'm not being compensated for this giveaway, except that the clown is now on my harddrive. Void where prohibited. Winners must be over 18 years of age and wearing a nose. A big red one. One Direction gives me the jibblies. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Don't take candy from a bowl if the candy isn't wrapped. Not only do most people not wash their hands enough, but maybe the clown touched it.
So, bring on the captions. And try to keep breathing. Gaze at the wangsword and you'll feel better.
I said I wanted to fool around, but that’s taking things one step too far, Bozo.
After the custard pie incident Alice decided the clown had definite potential. Now she would love to find out what is behind the greasepaint, red nose and floppy shoes. But will she ever get Gonzo to take off the hat, the ruff and the overalls?
“I’ll try anything once – just for laughs!!”
Fifty Shades of WTF?
Susan sure was adventurous, she just wasn’t sure if she was ready to do IT.
Jennifer pondered whether what they said about boys with big shoes held true for clowns.
Once you go clown, there’s never a letdown.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Eaten Cherry Pie
She wanted to blow up his balloon?
The Hungry Ones:
“Kelli was surprised when her internet friend, Jocko, showed up in full clown make-up and a bag full of “tricks”, but it was Jocko who was in for the biggest surprise. I’m Chris Hansen and this is “To Catch A Predator”.”
The Wangsword:
“Shhhhh. Ladies, look deep into my eyes. Don’t you want your man to smell like me? Smell my sword. Now smell your man. Now smell my sword. See how it glows? <cue>wind machine</cue>…”
I think when you put “Every Woman’s Fantasy” on your internet profile, Mr. Pennywise you were slightly misleading.
She loved him for his plangent, protruding proboscis, he loved her for the voluptuous velour pants she filled so well. Together they would make their madcap passion roar under the big top.
And because I couldn’t resist…
Isn’t it rich?
Splitting the seams?
Me here at last hanging around,
You in mom jeans.
Send in the clowns.
Isn’t it bliss?
You love my clown groove?
Don’t scream, don’t make a sound,
One who can’t move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.
Just when I’d stopped stalking the kids,
Finally knowing the heart that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again with my usual flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.
Don’t you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you’d want the red rubber clown suit.
Love the pigtails, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, give me that sassy frown.
Don’t bother running, I’m here.
Isn’t it rich?
Isn’t it queer,
Losing my restraining order this late
In my career?
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Well, maybe next year.
With Barbra doing it!
Bozo honked his red horn nose in greeting at the sexy young thang in pigtails. “Want to ride my balloon animal?” he asked. “Only if you can stuff yourself in my clown car,” she replied.
1- Actually Ralph, I don’t think I have a clown fetish after all…could you maybe stop touching me?
2- Smell this, does this smell like a yeast infection to you?
He was one of the hungry ones – just waiting for a pie in the face and a squirt from his flower.
Years later, the penny finally dropped for Pennywise. “Everything floats down here,” was only a good pick-up line if you were an Australian balloonist.
“The Roar of Greasepaint, the Smell of the Clown.”
And regarding, Blondie and the sword, is it me, or does the hilt look like a very blond Hitler mustache?
Vagina: It’s not a clown car.
OMG, his hand on her arm gives me the willies! I believe this woman belongs in the category of characters with no survival instincts, or the expression on her face would be fear, not slight interest.
1. “There’s still room in the backseat of the VW with me and the boys, all 16 of us…”
2. “Get that away from your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been!”
My, what huge feet you have! And you know what they say about men with big feet..
“Clarice – I’m having a new friend for dinner… She reminds me of you.”
(I couldn’t think of anything vaguely suggestive – that pic’ creeps me out too much!)
The minute Rhonda saw Blinko, she knew she needed to get help for her addiction. but the lure of the greasepaint called to her.
The hunter becomes the hunted. Little did Bozo know that the all American blonde he hungered for was a Black Widow in disguise, luring him with her sultry gaze. Come into my parlour, she whispers…
Does anyone else see a dog in the hilt of the sword? The jewels are the eyes, and the handle is ears? Weird. It’s like a medieval Kristan Higgins cover.
What is the back blurb for the clown cover? I keep going back and looking, thinking, does he *know* he’s dressed as a clown? Here he’s trying to do Rico Sauve moves and she’s laughing. WTF?!
The Playland…where over 1 billion have been served.
No 1’s a polyester wearing,ankle baring nightmare of a 70’s cover complete with uber creepy Brady bunch wannabe
No2 : Hubert redefined “man flu” with his shiny snot shot !
Wanna make balloon shapes with me?
She was finally over her fear of clowns… sadly, she should have remained afraid!
Just how long do you think my sword is???
“Once you go clown, you can never go back to town…‘cause you’re ashamed”
The Hungry Ones: How could he eat just her soul?
Now I know I’m drunk. Even this clown’s looking good to me.
“We all float down here!” Yeah, I bet that’s what you tell every girl.
As for the wangsword, those look like angel wings to me. And I don’t think you’re supposed to pick your nose with angel wings.
Soylent Green isn’t people … silly, silly, (tasty) people.
I totally want to read the clown book now. Does that make me a sick bozo or what?
Also have to note that the artists in the first cover had an adult woman in pigtails with unironic ribbon bows tied around them. Seriously? Did adult women do their hair like that back whenever this book was published?
Why is it The Hungry Ones? I think that title in combination with the clown is the terrifying part. Killer Klowns from Outer Space. He wants to put her in his cotton candy cocoon. I shudder.
Sally held a deep fear of clowns since she was young. At the suggestion of her therapist, she hired a clown for immersion therapy. Instead of stealing her soul as she feared clowns do, he left her dead in a ditch. The end.
After seeing this cover I had to google it. Still couldn’t find the description….but I found a little something that should shed some light on this horrific cover which makes me think of cannibalism….*shudders*
“As always, the crowd was on hand for the Uncle Googie Cartoon Show, sponsored by a local ice cream company. There was never a shortage of kids on hand to accept the free samples Uncle Googie handed out during the show. Uncle Googie was really a staff announcer named Barney Nesbitt….Barney was a jerk.”