Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Makes me think of that Dirty Dancing scene where they’re practicing the lift. Only with Jennifer Grey post nose-job.

(Not clever enough to caption.)

He didn’t mind that she could walk on water, he just wished she would stop insisting on using a wind machine to make her hair fly just so.  He had to use an inordinate amount of gel to keep his hair motionless.

I’m sorry but the way he is holding her, he cannot be lifting her unless he’s tearing off her ass.

“Your boob-crack is riveting, Jesusa Christ! (But I don’t want to go to hell.)”

I mean no offense to religion, etc! I just think Jesus Christ is more popular than Cris Angel wrt walking on water. And she is definitely doing that!

-anin

Webbed feet? I has them.

(I’m reminded of my own walking-on-water cover.  But that one was on purpose.)

How Joe ended up claiming workman’s comp.

Travis strode through the water, carrying the mannequin which was getting heavier by the moment. If the photographer didn’t get the picture soon, his grip was going to slip and the damn dummy was going to end up in the damn lake and he was damn well going to leave it there! Damn ridiculous modeling job! No wonder cover art was interchangeable, they probably used the same damn mannequin on each and every one! And as soon as they built a robot to carry it around, he’d be out of a job. The way he was feeling now, it couldn’t happen soon enough!

I’d like to put a different spin on this scene. She’s not walking on water; she’s made herself much taller than he is and is breathless with lust at the thought. That is clearly the work of a lady with a fetish for stilts.

“Her pleasure is my pleasure, he told himself firmly. Being the taller one makes her happy. Little did he know the fate that awaited him - not death by drowning, but suffocation in heaving depths of an altogether different nature.

The Cleavage Assassin smiled, and drew him closer.”

Hey, lady, this is fun and all, but I really need the toolbox you’re standing on.

He was a little too good at that, if you know what I mean.

Allen Bauer: Sweety, you know how much I love that you’re a gorgeous human female now, right?
Madison: O, of course, my slightly hirsute non-piscine bipedal merman!
Allen Bauer: Fact is…ever since you rescued me as a boy, I’ve had a thing…
Madison: For what, dearheart?
Allen: For fish. Scaly, slimy, fish. Broiled, fried and especially…sushi. Uncooked… and raw…
Madison: Oh Allen! You mean..?
Allen: Yes, my love. I’m just going to dip you in here, and then we can get busy with the soy sauce and wasabi.
Madison: O, Allen! (Hearts surrounding the breathy gasp).

And so Allen happily kept her close by with passionate expulsions of sticky cuvierian tubules from his turgid sea cucumber, and Madison found true love, with a man who could whole-heartedly accept her for what she was…

H.E.V. forever! Thanks to the movie Splash!

I mean..they even have the same hair colors as the actors in Splash!

Hmm…time for a movie hunt. Been a while…

The Cleavage Assassin smiled, and drew him closer.

Muhahahaha!

Makes me think of that Dirty Dancing scene where they’re practicing the lift.

That was my first thought as well Tania!

“Oh, I thought you said - Get in the water THEN take your pants off”

Walk on water…no.  There is something hard under here that transports me to the heights you see.

BTW, tell me what Trana is short for…?

A muscled, veiny specimen of manhood, Drake Turgidton could never resist the charms of Francesca Waterbaby.  Little did he know of the horrible fate that lurked for him between her inviting, yet carnivorous breasts…
Learn the tale of their star-crossed love, when the taste of his flesh offers only…Bittersweet Promises!

(cuz her name is like Baby from DD…whose real name is Frances…erm, leaving now)

“I be-lieeeve I can flyyyyy….”

Honey, you sunk my Battleship!

Not exactly a caption, but I totally read the author’s name as “Trannie Simmons.”

I can has baptism now?

(so going to hell for that one.)

“Please don’t dunk me. Do you have any idea how long it took to get my hair to look like this? And my dress just so? You’ll ruin hours of long, hard work!”

or

“Darling, you’re gorgeous, but isn’t this taking things a bit too far?”

or

He’d thought putting her on a pedestal would be dangerous to his heart. Little did he know, he would really be saving her from drowning.”

Best I can do this AM. lol

Not every man has the confidence to date an eight-foot tall Farah Fawcettized Amazon!

Rivals in underwater ballroom dancing—could they cooperate in the horizontal tango?

She was soooooooo wet for him.

Hee!  I like these.
spam word: looking26.  Am I?

Ravish me, o freakishly tall water sprite!

The lake where some dickey collars wilt, and some dickeys don’t.

When Melisande applied for the waterskiing mermaid job, she didn’t realize it would lead to this!

Judging from her impressive stature and the tantalizing glimpse of Adam’s apple that riveted his gaze, Bob guessed that his luscious nymph’s gown held the bittersweet promise… of a dong.

“My jeans are so wet and soggy that I can’t take another step. You will now have to carry me.”

Armintrout FTW!

Thus Arthur returned his mighty Excalibur to the Lady of the Lake.

“He was commonly known as the boobie nommer…”

“The riveting tale of a man of short stature overcoming all odds and living happily with the giant women he loved…”

Ok, here’s my caption:

She was wild with the thought of finally initiating him into her secret wetlook fetish, but, while he wouldn’t mind getting a look at her in a wet white dress, the wet jeans were just damned uncomfortable.

And that’s what I get for trying to find wet look hairstyle tip videos on Youtube.

Honey, I think there’s still a fish in your bosom…

“How high’s the water, mama? / Three feet high and risin’....”

Alternately: “We were—knee deep in the Big Muddy, / But the big fool said to push on…”

“Does this wind machine make me look fat?”
“I really can’t say.  I can’t stop wondering why the props guy is insisting on you standing on that stepping stool he stuck underwater.”
“Wait, what?  But you’re supposed to be checking me out!  We are on the cover of a romance novel!”
“And why put me in jeans?  What sort of idiot goes frolicking in the water wearing jeans?  These things are heavy when they’re waterlogged.”
“Seriously, check out my cleavage.  Don’t you just want to nuzzle in there for awhile?”
“Not really.  Uhh… how do I say this?  Darling, I’m gay.”
“Well, that would explain why we spend so much time dancing in the water instead of sniffing at each other like any respectable clinch cover.”
“Can I stop flexing my back now?”

She said she was into watersports, but he didn’t know that would mean…this.

No, really, your sins will be gone, you gotta let me dunk you. 

Stand back so you don’t get hit by the lightning.

Thought of a better one in the shower:

HE took a bet to save his father’s ranch. SHE took a chance to save his mortal soul. It PROMISED to be a simple game of walk-on-water polo. Until their PASSION…boiled over.

“Um, honey?  Have you been eating crackers?  Because you’ve got some crumbs or something….look, just let me rinse you off a little, ok?  Crumbs are itchy.”

most appropriate security code ever: water48!

Whoa, Highland dancing on water! Wouldn’t Jesus just be green with envy. :D

Breastfeeding the Bandit

Sex in the Shallow End

“Squeal like a pig Emma Mae! Come on, do it for Bobby Bob, or I’ll have to dunk you agin’”

The Belt Buckle’s Buxom Humper

or

” Shrinkage:  I was in the POOL is not an excuse!”

I don’t care what you say woman with those knockers, you better float!

“As she began to open her mouth, preparing to bite his neck and feed on her prey, he started to realize that something was very wrong…”

Is that a trout in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

SHE was hydrophobic…HE was hydrophillic…Could they overcome their mutual repulsion, or was it just another BITTERSWEET PROMISE?

And since I’m on a Mae West brain fart -

Why don’t you come up and see me sometime?

It’s OK, I like Short Men

What he lacked in inches above, he made up for below

How about “Plunge Deep Your Oar”, or ” Row Me Up the River”

Stephanizia touched down onto the surface of the lake and into the arms of her flying coach, Trent Backmuscle-Backwater-Bottomclutcher. As always, his thumbs managed to pull her skirt up over her porcelein thighs and his eyes focused on her bosom. She’d been so sure that the eyelet ties she’d made from her grandmother’s curtains wouldn’t come loose during flight, but she’d been mistaken—her blouse was already slipping off. Damn!

They thought they had the pairs ice dancing championship wrapped up, but global warming had other ideas…

Must find plug - overinflated again.

“The Little Mermaid” before Disney got hold of it! Wild, wet, and uncensored! You won’t need tartar sauce—he’ll provide it!

I am going to hell, here’s my handbasket, tra la…

Must find plug - overinflated again.

:D Or how about: Next time, I’m not using helium…

Nobody puts Baby in the deep end. Unless it’s me.

Guinness Record Finally Broken!  World’s Tallest Waterproof Stiletto Heels.

The Lady of the Lake rises from the depths to smother Arthur in her cleavage. “Mmmhh! MMMhhhhh!”

Paul was delighted that his helium-filled Real Doll finally allowed him to act out his favorite scene from Dirty Dancing with ease.  Now, if only she looked more enthused…

“Oh dear…”
“What is it?”
“Darling, this mole on your bussom—”
“IT’S A BEAUTY MARK!”
“Beauty mark, whatever—it looks irregular.  You should talk to your doctor about that.”
“This is not the best time!  I’m levitating for Pete’s sake!”

[Aside:] Does anyone else think he looks rather troubled by whatever he sees in her cleavage?

And here’s another caption:

Much like the caber toss, the Buxom Blonde Toss is sure to thrill crowds at this year’s Highland Games.

Higher plz-mai dress iz getin wet-thx.

“No really! They feel just like natural ones, and I can use them as a flotation device.  See for yourself. Go ahead and lick them!”

My rght breast, you can has it now

Rivals in underwater ballroom dancing—could they cooperate in the horizontal tango?

http://www.brusselstangofestival.be/

So underwater tango is a joke?  Go on, click the link.  I dare you.

“Hmm… I think I can use those boobs as a flotation device if needed…”

“I invented an eco-friendly jet pack… it runs on beans! The smell is a bit of an issue, but what’s that compared to saving the planet?”

No offense to the author, but a pun is just begging to be said given her first name. Seriously?

“Why yes, my boobs are real, not my pecs taped together for cleavage.”

“Oh, Josephina, let me kiss your clavicle, your neck, your Adam’s apple.”

Jake was a lonesome DREFTer with nothing to GAIN from sticking around Spincycle River; he knew he could never home to WIN Ardelia, the daughter of the local laundry baron who controlled this churning river with its deep-cleanse action.  But Ardelia was a woman too headstrong for her ERA—she wouldn’t give Jake up without a fight!  Together these lovers risk ALL for each other, meeting amid the whirling, sudsy TIDE, just so that Jake can touch Ardelia’s DOWNY body once more—and WISK her away on the (title)—RINSE CYCLE OF DESIRE.

Sylph Slidin’ Away

or

Sylph-ery When Wet

No way I can beat the Battleship or Baby in the deep end captions - very, very funny. Still…

I’ll show you part of my world.

Or

Come on lady. I’m chafing here!

Arrgh! Back spasm! Damn woman, your ass can walk from here on out!

As Harry lifted her, Jane realised that her lacings were going, her clothes dragged down by the weight of the water. Maybe, if she shut her eyes, and leaned backwards, he would put her down, and she could retie underwater. It was that or flash everyone on the lakeside.

“Venus, is it you returned to us lowly mortals?  Oh yes, please sacrifice me to your cleavage.  I’ll give up anything to inflate your, uh…goddess flotation devices…”

“Putting the RUDE in Evinrude”

I’m voting not composing here.  Y’all are too funny. Hands down from me goes to the author of the “Cleavage Assassin” bit.  Wonderful stuff. 

Also liked Amy’s “Rinse Cycle of Desire.” 

Great Caesar’s Snark!

It’s Swan Lake! In a lake!

“No, no honey, the doctor said a deficiency in passion, not a fish in the… honest, this won’t fix it!”

Um, I don’t mind rescuing you, but could you do something with your bittersweet promises.  You’re just not that nom.

Come ON… let the poor dolphin up for air now!  Stupid water parks and their animal shows…

Water-skiing, ur doin’ it… pretty well, akshully.

At only 4’8’‘, Bob didn’t think he would ever find love with the tall, blonde woman of his fantasies. Then one day out at the lake trying out his new rod, he catches the big one.

Man these are already really good, dang it!

Her: “No really, darling, if you hold on to me you can walk on water too. Trust me.”
She laughed as he fell under for the third time this week. That just never got old.

Him reading her breast: “Made in China?”

“Look, babe, will you stop hanging on me! I really gotta pee and I’ve heard there’s candiru in this lake!”

Divinity: ur doin it rite.

He’s actually closing his eyes in pain.

5 seconds later:
Him: Baby, I’m going to fall!
Her: But your rippling arm mucles-
Him: Aren’t meant to hold people at physically improbable positions
Her: Oh please, you’ll be fine
Him: THIS IS AGAINST THE LAWS OF PHYSICS
Her: What are yo- ARRGGHH
Him: ARRRGGHH
*SPLASH*

INVISIBLE SANDBAR

I’m in ur lake, ogling ur rack.

His stature was small, but his dick was tall!

It was soon apparent that President Obama’s stimulus package would have unintended consequences.

Just 10 more curls and I’ll put you down - I promise! No, no - don’t open your eyes - The Charles Atlas book said we had to keep them closed!

King Arthur got the sword - I got the lady. I win.

Katrina thought she had her disguise perfect—flowing blonde locks, half-opened nightie—but she couldn’t seem to remember that humans don’t tail-walk.

DOLPHIN IN DISGUISE!  As a DAMSEL!  In some sort of DISTRESS!

“Oh, right, *that’s* where I stored the key to the boat”

“Honey,if you want to give me mouth to mouth,you need to look up HERE!”

or

Wild Water Wedgie in 3-D Action!

“Who would come quicker?” mused Pilar. “Trent or the squall?” She looked down her beloved, whose eyes were closed, a serene expression on his face. “The squall,” she muttered. Trent’s narcolepsy always kicked in at the most inconvenient times…

Him:  “But I’m allergic to melon.”

He knew that when he fell in love with a Mafia informant, he was in deep trouble.  But Officer Dirk Diggler didn’t care—he only saw the beauty that lurked behind the blue eyes (and the stressed laces of her bodice).  When he heard that Jimmy “Fingers” Swaggert had fitted her with cement shoes, he knew that his heart would not be whole unless he saved her.  His bilateral inguinal hernias could not hold him back from the promise of true love.

My favorites (other than my own, of course, especially since I HAVE dated shorter men):

Elizabeth Wadsworth with:
They thought they had the pairs ice dancing championship wrapped up, but global warming had other ideas…

or Kelli’s:
Much like the caber toss, the Buxom Blonde Toss is sure to thrill crowds at this year’s Highland Games.

Too hard to choose!

Jessie was tired of boring men and even more boring relationships. She wanted adventure, but she was resigned to the fact that she might die a bored virgin.

Until she met Jake, the widowed ex-SEAL that moved in next door. He taught her about passion, excitement, and…

...ice dancing in July.

Memories! Just like when my nanny taught me how to, umm, swim holding on to her, umm, water wings.

It was the first time in his life he was happy with his four feet eight of heigth.

Seconds before he fell onto her, crushing her underwater and ruining her hair, she thought to herself “Maybe wearing my eighteen inch platforms for a wade in the water WASN’T such a good idea.  I thought it would keep my dress dry so when we danced under the moonlight it would swirl around, like my hair!”

I have to give a shout-out to Elizabeth Wadsworth’s “ice dancing” one, which made me LOL

Sure, Preacher Brawndo’s strip mall church services weren’t much, but the baptisms!

Johnny: I know I said that I’ve had the time of my life, but Baby, come on!  This is getting ridiculous!

Baby: Suck it up, Johnny!  I disappointed my father, not to mention I gave up on the Peace Corp and college for you, so the least you can do is make it like the first time we danced!

Johnny: But, wouldn’t you prefer being in bed to being in the water?

This and more in Dirty Dancing 2: After the Dance! Coming to a theater near you!

Um, this isn’t what I meant by “get me wet.”

Would Bart’s obsession with Daryl Hannah movies finally be his undoing?  Three indictments for attempted murder would suggest yes.

Just a little more of that mousse, darlin’, and we’ll be able to FLY!

Charity Hopewell, unsung heroine, pioneer inventor of multi-tasking.

As a direct result of limited hours of daylight, unlimited amount of chores, and her husband, Travis’, strong appetites and constant attention, she became adept at the act of undertaking more than one task at one time.

Her successes include: Laundry/Bathing/Boinking, and Plowing Fields/Planting/Boinking, and Feeding Livestock/Gathering Eggs/Boinking.

“Odor? Why no, it’s not gas, darling, blowing on my tits just goes straight through me. I’m simply in orbit.”

Finally, Mitzi’s three successive wins in the Miss Wet T-Shirt of Lake County Pageant and Hog Tie Contest would be put to good use!

*Oh man I love this game

“Suck ‘em. I said, suck ‘em, dammit. Don’t make me drown your ass!”

this wasn’t what she had in mind when he said he wanted to get her wet.

His promise to teach her to swim was bittersweet, because she was too scared to let go.

“UNNGHHHHGHGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
“Weeeeeee-eeeee! Again, again, again!”

Anna gushed with desire…

or

“Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now.” (Do YOU have have over-active bladder disease?)

1. She’s having the time of her life.
2. Nobody puts Shanna in the corner

Thank God we took those dolphin training lessons at Sea World!

“I’m in the lake, saving ur life.”

“If I squeeze her hard enough, I can absorb her pectoral implants too!”

or

They had forgotten that lack of oxygen was one of the hazards of stilts-sex!

Hey I think I found my shirt! Look,  in your cleavage!

Love means never having to say you’re sorry about forgetting to pack the swimsuits when you’re headed up to the lake for the weekend.

8 foot tall, curtain- wearing women and the men who love them: next on Maury.

Barbie hated it when Amanda and her family went to the Ozarks.  Lake water made her synthetic hair clumpy, and she always ended up losing one plastic shoe.  And if Amanda was going to pose her with Ken in this ridiculous pose, the least she could do was make him put on a shirt!  Barbie’s best outfits were ruined, and Ken escapes with nothing but wet jeans?!  What would she wear to Madge’s garden party now that her best dress was covered in algae?  And yep…there went the shoe.

Oh, ye of little faith. Come, take comfort in my supernatural cleavage.

I can has yr titty?

Not that he needs it.  Judging from the back muscles like WHOAH, it takes a lot of strength to hold those puppies up.

After the crash, he allowed himself to feel a moment of shame for having pushed past the others to grab the plane’s prime flotation devices.  “Those silly weaklings could never have held on,” he thought as he gazed upon the objects of his salvation.

Joe and the Amazon.

“Honestly darling, I really can’t tell they’re plugs!!!It looks so Natural!But can you get it wet??”

I got so wet seeing you.

“I’m so wet, can you take me to the edge now?”

Buffy was playing Anywhere But Here with Willow and Xander. Willow waited with baited breath poised to swoon while Xander ignored both to think of Amy Yip at the waterslide park.

With a mischievous smile Buffy said, “I’m on a beach in Greece where the water’s way too blue and I’m wearing a peasant dress. Instead of vampire smoochies in the moonlight, it’s daylight and Angel is human. There’s not a soul in sight and we spend the day together.”

“Wow,” Willow sighed.

“I know, right?”

“I still say nothing beats Amy Yip at the waterslide park,” Xander cuts in, stopping the girls descent into lalaland.

Keira: I just watched that episode of Buffy!  Awesomesauce!

Here are my offerings:

1.  Hans and the Valkyrie
2.  Loki and the Volva (there should be an umlaut over the “o”)
3.  Rode hard and put away wet
4.  Love among the loons
5.  The herring season
6.  Mating in Michigan
7.  FLDS: Ur doin it wrong
8.  Land run: Ur doin it wrong
9.  (Her) Nom nom nom nom!
10. (Him) Fireman’s carry: iz doin it wrong!
11. Silence of the loons
12. Co-dependency: When to let go
13. Learning to swim
14. Love is knowing when to let go

I’m stopping now.

Wet cock, on a rock, in a frock.

moist bond, turgid pond, with the blond

on a roll now…