Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

The first thing I noticed, besides that impressive gleaming length, was that the cover model is wearing jeans!  Correct me if I’m wrong, but Alyssa’s book sounds like a fantastic fantasy.  Would the hero really wear jeans?  Couldn’t they have found more “accurate” clothes (or lack of clothes for that matter)?

Ok, enough complaints about the stylist’s dismal clothing choices.  Here is my caption:

“He’s looking for that perfect sheath.”

“He has a mighty sword; now he’s hunting for the perfect mighty sword swallower.”

“Whaddya mean, make love not war??”

OK, I’m already cracking up here!!  And now, it’s not a traditional fantasy novel - they’re set in modern Earth (or at least a version of today’s Earth that has vampires and shapeshifters out in the open).  And, of course, Atlanteans! :)

“Plunge into Pleasure”.

hurts so bad…ummm… good

or

Ouch.

Darlin’, it ain’t gonna hurt ....

“I’m not only a sharp guy, all of me is sharp. Geddit? Or are you too dull?”

“Beyond Pulsating Penii.”

I couldn’t help myself.  Don’t enter me.  Which sounds dirty in and of itself.  I’ma get my own copy of the book later today. :-P

It’s not the size of the sword that matters, it’s the magic of the user

Also just had a Crocodile Dundee moment:
That’s not a sword, THIS is a sword

Taking the world over with his indomitable “Cialis”,  from the Greek word meaning “to cleave the waters with a mighty Johnson”.

“No, the sword isn’t in my pocket, but I AM happy to see you!”

Hmmm Atlantis Unleashed… isn’t that a chain on his sword?

“Wanna unleash my sword?” Or… “Come, unleash my sword”

Unleashed: And Too Big To Even Fit On The Cover

No? Okay, I’ll stick to reading.
And how sad is it that generally all I ever really notice on covers—aside from the authors name— are the abs & arms?

I am thinking condoms might be a bit of a problem in this case.

But anyway, before coffee effort:

He’ll split the slit!

OMG the word is LENGTH68!!  How freaking perfect!

The penis mightier than the sword.

@Maggie—I think I love you.

My best effort is, “Did you know ‘vagina’ is Latin for ‘scabbard’?  Who says studying the classics was a waste of time?”

“I’ll only put the tip of it in.”

Re-do, ‘cause I got the quote wrong (didn’t we used to have an edit button?):

“This’ll only hurt for a little while,
I’ll only put the head of it in.”

“If you’re going to stick that in me, could you at least do it without humming the theme from ‘Shaft’?”

-G.

drop the pen, my sword is indeed mighty

After years spent developing his left arm, Forrester realized he should probably start polishing his sword with his right hand to even things out.

I just keep thinking of the circus and a sword swallower:

“Hey, you wanna swallow my sword?”

“Do you really think any pen is mightier than this sword?”

Atlantis Unleashed: The Sword Whisperer

Sure, you’ve heard of Excalibur. But I bet you’ve never heard of his cousin Erectcalibur.

The most common complaint among women regarding sex is that their partners rarely devote enough time to swordplay.

The sword is there clearly to compensate for his teeny tiny schnitzel.

“Compensating?.. who.. me.. no waaay..”

This is my weapon, this is my sword.  One is for sparring, one is for fun!

Well, I don’t know if Atlantis is rising and unleashed, but something certainly is! 

“Gonna Need Lube”

I think I’m more concerned about the odd placement of the guy’s navel, which looks about six inches too high on his abdomen.  Also, the tattoo on his arm seems to be emitting some kind of cosmic ray—clearly, he must be an alien.  Can’t think of a good caption though.  :(

“And lo, it was as the prophecy of Atlantis foretold…Poseidon swore that the swordfish would play a mighty role and wield a hefty weapon in the uprising”

There is no way I can compete here. Loving Erectcalibur! Fun. Thanks for being such a good sport.

As Donkey said to Shrek “Do you get the feeling he might be compensating for something?”

“We all know size matters and my sword is bigger than most.”

For years I struggled with this thing in my pants.  Now, I keep it…Unleashed.

Love this series.  Waiting for tonight to snuggle in w/a cup of tea and read it.

I’m channeling Blazing Saddles here….......

‘Scuse me while I whip this out!  (Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

“There’s more to me than just a big prick.”

ATLANTIS UNSHEATHED: The Warriors of Puts-It-In

“No, you grip it like *THIS*”

“No, baby, that’s not lightning. That’s me.”

I’m channeling Wayne & Garth....

“Schwiiiing”

“I’ll be Moses. You Let Me Part Your C”

(i’m going to go ahead and apologize now. blame it on lack of sleep)

Oh gawd, now I know why the following dialogue exchange from The Mask of Zorro must have popped into my head this morning:

“Do you know how to use that thing?”
“The pointy end goes in the other man!”

“That’s my magic wand, baby.”

Or ...

“Wanna see my magic wand?”

Ashwinder said…

Sure, you’ve heard of Excalibur. But I bet you’ve never heard of his cousin Erectcalibur.

Ashwinder - thank you! That was amazing!

My entries:

“A blade in the hand, is like two in the bush…”

and

“There’s nothing try-dent about this, baby. It makes a big dent.”

and

“Let me introduce you to Mr. Pointy.”

“You named it Mr. Pointy?”

“It was that or Mighty Sword of Lovin’, but I figured you’d already have a mouth full.”

and

“This is my sword… gifted to me by Poseidon himself. It’s huge, darling, but don’t worry, my flesh sword is bigger and it was gifted to me by Aphrodite.”

“Don’t worry it’ll fit…I’ll make it fit.”

“Sword? What sword?”

And JoanneL. I’m with you. The first thing I saw were the ripped abs and oh-my-gawd-squeeze-me-till-I-can’t-breathe” biceps :)

Anna the Piper said on…
06.02.09 at 05:59 AM

Oh gawd, now I know why the following dialogue exchange from The Mask of Zorro must have popped into my head this morning:

“Do you know how to use that thing?”
“The pointy end goes in the other man!”

Hahahahahaha!  Love it!

Hate to get all Saturday morning cartoon here but the first thing that popped into my mind was

“By the power of Grayskull….I HAVE THE POWER!!!”

or

“Thunder,Thunder,THUNDER CROTCH,HO!”

“Even in Atlantis men like to spend every spare moment gripping their swords.”

@LadyT: ““Thunder,Thunder,THUNDER CROTCH,HO!”

BWAHAHA! Winnah is you! ;)

I was looking for sword quotes to make puns out of, and these stood out:

“There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them.”—CS Lewis

“And each man stands with his face in the light. Of his own drawn sword, ready to do what a hero can.”—Elizabeth Barrett Browning

And, of course, from the Bard: “Why, then the world’s mine oyster; which I with sword will open.”

Oysters are as difficult to crack open as virgin heroines’ hymens.

:falls out of chair, laughing:

These are too funny!!! Ok, here goes:

A sword in the bush beats a sword in the hand

Oh, that’s bad!! Really bad….

I not no comment has been made about the fact that the cover for Atlantis Unmasked, the ad for which is on this site, features an Atlantean gripping his staff. Two-handed even! Someone over at Berkley definitely likes men holding their own.

roflmao brilliant! Not sure I can compete, but here goes:

“And PARRY! And PARRY! Now THRUST!!”

“With a love sword like this, one thrust makes women feint.” 

(Nothing like a fencing pun.)

“B-b-b-baby, you just ain’t seen nothing yet. Wait ‘til you get a load of the tip on this sucker!”

Verification: lead 18—- hmm, looks to be a bit longer to me.

“Ooooh—shiny!”

(and now I’m thinking of that Silmarrilion in 15 Minutes post someone did—WANT SHINIES!)

(congress78?  hmmm)

Wanna grip my pommel?

He’s not really a South-paw, his other hand is just busy.

“Wait . . . I thought girls liked shiny things.”

“Get a grip!”

“Don’t worry - it’s magic!”

Shiny, sensuous sword seeks soft, sleek scabbard.

“Just wait until I show you my *other* sword.”

Buildings tumble, mighty towers fall ... only his sword remains erect to battle the storm.

Phallic Symbols R Us: For when you need more phallic than symbolic.

Atlanteans: We hold our own. (stood on Madd’s shoulders for that one)

Baby, if I was a piece of silverware and you were a dairy product, I’d be a hot knife and you’d be butter. (sorry, that one was terrible)

passed62: Passed 62 inches long?

“I’ll hold the hilt and you can polish the rest any way you want babe.”

or

“It’s not just long, it’s a broadsword too!”

I don’t mind the cover art itself, but why is he magenta colored? Is it just how it looks on my screen or is the guy a deep pink color???

“His schwarch was strong, all long and hard and shiny.”

I obviously watched the movie Spaceballs too often in my youth.

Okay, spelling redo since edit seems to be missing.

“His schwartz was strong, all long and hard and shiny.”

Love is my Sword.

Great titles here - I am sniggering away!

Is that a claymore in your sporran, or are you just glad to see me?

“The Edward Scissorhands sequel they never wanted you to see.”

Y’know, Shakespeare already did this: “Hippolyta, I have wooed thee with my sword…”  I speak as one who played Hippolyta, aged sixteen, and…wait a minute, is that when I started writing smut?

And having seen the ad opposite, I have to add: “If you think this is impressive, you should see the size of my weapon on Atlantis Unmasked.”

The true meaning of “high tide” in Atlantis.

:falls over laughing, again:  remember, this is a good book!!! Pink heroes and bizarre swords aside!!  Promise!!  LOL.

Okay…this Japanese proverb popped into my head and it made me giggle when compared to the cover:

“The tongue is more to be feared than the sword”

YIKES!

These are too funny! But seeing how I misread the Christine Feehan quote as “Alyssa Day creates an amazing and astonishing sword” I’ll just go with that.

Since Poseidon was known for his “earth shaking” abilities:

“This sword is gonna rock your world”

Meh. Yeah, lame. Sorry. I’ve got nothing better…

Weirdly, all that pops into my mind is a Whitesnake lyric from my formative years (the late 80’s)...“let me cut your cake with my knife”.  At the time it sounded so sexual, now it just sounds kinda creepy.

Spamword: run83…  as in RUN!  It’s 1983 and it’s trying to come back!

“Hi. I bought this sword on Tuesday and now it has all this schmutz on it. No, I didn’t do anything weird. Seawater? Um, is seawater a problem?”

Congrats on your great new book, Alyssa! I have a dream where all the romance writers at a publisher (starting small, here) say, “That’s it. We’re not turning in anything until you stop with the cheesy covers!” Honestly. It’s like, “Go out there and promote yourself as a serious artist. But first, put on this Hooters uniform.”

Don’t worry. Your fans will buy it anyway. But most of them will buy it despite the cover, not because of it.

It’ll only hurt a little at first.

Oh, wait…

Umm, makes me wonder ...

“Does he have the fancy foot work to go with that mighty sword?”

I just want to add I think Alyssa’s being a very good sport about all of this!  I hope this results in bestseller ranked sales of her Atlantis books.

“The motion of the ocean cannot be sheathed.”

“Atlantis Unleashed: The Warriors of Priapus”

ooh, how about “Atlantis Unleashed: Quest for the Sword of Compensation”

I’m embarassed to say that this cover might have made me turn away from the book (I know, I know, my mom would be ashamed of my shallowness), but Ms. Day’s calm and comedic reaction to the cover makes me want to see what kind of writer she is, so I’m off to check out her backlist.

Sadly for our hero, no well brought up lady would ever dream of putting a blade in her mouth

With that thing, the heroine is going to have a magic hoo-hoo-HOO!

“I swore to uphold the penal code and to punish all offenders with my gigantic sword!”

or

Maybe the three Musketeers stole their motto from Penis Sword Man…
“All for one and one for all!”

“My Navel , My Scabbard”
Is that not a rather large belly button hole? Handy for sword storage lol

“Hang on, the keys must be in my other pocket.”

“Look, I can hold up the sword or I can hold up my pants. What’s it gonna be?”

Introducing The All-New Atlantis: Putting the divine back in the rod for all your dowsing needs.

You’ve got *how* many inches of steel?

(And my verification word? “have48” Excessive, no?)

And I love these books! *squeeeee*

“What do you mean this isn’t just a sex book?”

“Is that a sword in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Oh, wait, no diff.”

“Ow. Damn it, Poseidon, that’s not funny! Turn it back. Now!”

or

“Hmm, the instructions on this Atlantean lube say to stroke it…Yikes! Where the hell did that come from?”

or

possible24: I wonder if that would constitute a short sword or a very long “sword”?

Hey, c’mon, Lady, here I have polished my Lady Death here to show off the wonderful moiré patterning of the very best Atlantean steel – even better than Damascus steel. I have sharpened her edges so that she can split one of your blonde hairs lengthwise – never mind what she does to my Evil Foes. I have even polished the hilt – including the sorcerous gemstone on the pommel, and added an extra layer of blade gold to the quillons. And here you come and say you are not interested in cutlery!!

Don’t make me put this back in my pants.

Or,

I can see we’re going to need a safety word, big guy.

Looking for Love.  Love Sword of Steel looking for that special magic Hoo Hoo.

“Just close your eyes and think of England, darlin’.”

>>“Just close your eyes and think of England, darlin’.”

Kathy, I think that has to be “Close your eyes and think of lost continents.” 

:crying laughing here:  I love and adore you all so freaking much.

“The Man of Steel” has a whole new meaning.

Don’t make me put this back in my pants.
Or,
I can see we’re going to need a safety word, big guy.

I was doing okay until I got to Erica’s! I absolutely love this series, and Alyssa, you’re one hell of a good sport. Congrats on your new release and fingers crossed for NYT!
(and my word is “standard45” If 45 is standard, what’s extra large?)

“Forged in the flames of his manly hotness…”

I don’t need to enter, just wanted to add…

Every girl’s crazy bout a sharp undressed man.

Any woman who has ever been to a gynecologist can relate to:

“Now, just relax….”

Just wanted to say I love the cover and I’d be proud to “brandish” it.  Subtlety is lost on me, I suppose, because I don’t think it’s cheesy at all.  : )