Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Hey, if I do this—aaahhhh—can you see my butt-light?

Luminous farts and burps.  Stripey Boy just knew that he could impress all his mates with Glow-Bum Girl.  If only he could remember where they left their legs…

How to know if he’s THE ONE:
1. Does he gladly check you for halitosis, without barfing?
2. When he makes love to you, do you feel like you’re floating in mid-air?
3. When you’re in his presence, does he make you glow all over, especially your butt?
If you say ‘yes’ to all, then girl, go get ‘im!

She was a wildcat.  A three-legged wildcat.

He was a vampire, unable to wake in the daylight.  A legless vampire.

As danger approached from all sides, she desperately tried to wake him with her nuclear farts and kitty breath, but it was no use.  She have to….

Wait For Dusk!

As the radioactive sulphuric acid fog swirled around them, Kassyndra and Mahgnis realized that not paying attention in CPR training was going to be the least of their worries.

“I’m pretty sure I broke a filling,” she whispered.

“Well, I can’t see with your finger in there,” he muttered huskily. “Geez, stop fighting me; I’m going to have to hold your dang wrist up… Yup, it’s broken.”

The emergency dentist isn’t open yet. They must…

Wait for Dusk.

He wasn’t going to let the double amputation stop his promising career in cave exploration, but could he find acceptance and love with the legless queen of the feral, nose-eating firefly women?

Does anyone else think the man’s head is suspect? Before I read Sarah’s thoughtful and detailed laundry list of issues, my first reaction was, “This couple if the first ever documented set of identical fraternal twins!”

May I suggest an ode-to-Nina Bangs alterna-title? Eternal Pleather.

It’s working—the power of the Ancient’s five-bean chili is working!  Allow its mighty force to pass through you, darling, and I know you can propel us out of this cavern!

Also, are those some weird stretch marks on this guy, or was she supposed to have done that?  Just sayin’

If some women have The Glittery Hooha, it’s only logical that some have The Glittery Anus.
Or maybe he just, erm, “saved her life”, and it’s his fluorescent sperm shines through…

She was a Were-Mantis searching for a mate…

He was a tortured hero whose last lover preferred drumsticks…

In a world where their love is only limited by her supply of those little Tabasco packets you get at Chick-Fil-A, together they…Wait for Dusk!

“A Must-Read addition to the Cannibal Romance genre.” - Hannibal Lechter

The Disappearing Nose Suckler

Okey-dokey.  I have no caption of my own.  But I want to cast a vote for Nadia. OMGLOL Good thing I’ve learned to keep away from beverages while reading these posts, or my poor keyboard would be in a world of hurts.

spamword—land92.  Hmmm, second cousin to Area 51??

The “I got yer nose” game took on a whole new danger….

Genetics gone wild…She knows it’s not normal to hear through the nose, but she’ll be there for him.  He knows it’s not normal, so what if her butt glows, he’ll be there for her.

“Our legs were so tasty last night, let’s try our noses tonight, my zombie love.”

I feel bad for the author. The first pic you show is what/s been circulating for months now as the cover, but what was actually printed looks to be a mockup file. I wasn’t a fan of the cover in the first place, but at least her hair isn’t chopped out, and that glow you talk about looks to me more like where they didn’t cut enough of the background away from her bum, but again, the printed file you got on your book looks to be a mockup. How could they make such a colossal screwup? And this wasn’t marked as an ARC?

Of course, if you look at what’s supposed to be the final for the previous book, the dude looks like he’s floating on that brick street:

http://www.amazon.com/Pray-Dawn-Fourth-Dark-Novel/dp/0061851809/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279718344&sr=1-3#reader_0061851809

Fiona knew the shifters could be knocked out with her Montreal Steak Seasoning-infused breath—- but unfortunately, she had to wear rubber panties to control the other side effects of its ingestion.

Upon careful examination, I think that they are not legless, but in a water-filled cave, or possibly urban sewer.

She: “Standing in this makes me want to pee.”
He: “Oh. I thought that was your come-face.”

Or vice versa.

Humping: the Right Way to Do it.

I’m not feeling particularily funny captiony this a.m. so I just wanted to point out maybe they’re supposed to standing in water? Maybe it’s the resolution on my screen, but that thing wrapped around his arm looks disturbingly like a tentalcle. And that makes you wonder don’t it?

Oh, OK. Biting off his nose to spike her cat scratch fever.

That’s all I’ve got. Sorry. Maybe after more coffee.

Um…the first human centipede experiments went even more horribly wrong?

Inception 2: When Dreams go Very, Very Wrong

She’s a rare example of the Shining Rear Vampire.  This variety of vampire is notable for two reasons: first, their glowing posteriors; second, that they suck nasal mucus instead of blood.

Shining Rear Vampires are especially drawn to allergy sufferers and toddlers.  Due to the latter, parents are reminded to turn off the lights and inspect the backside of anyone they’re hiring for babysitting.

Woman: Make out with me!
Man: Darling, I will. I just need to check you for pus on your tonsils first…

Also, is her left hand supposed to look skeletal? Because it does.

Unfortunately, she didn’t find out about about his fart-lighting fetish until it was far too late.

Ms. Drake, we know it wasn’t your fault. ;-(

“Open wide…wider…I have to see if my legs are down there!”

“The child’s game of ‘Got Yer Nose’ has never been so deadly…”

Jase
vslavetopassionv(at)aol(dot)com

I’m floating in a most peculiar way.

Sarah, just so you know, I had just swigged a mouthful of coffee when I hit the paragraph about the Levon lyrics.

You are an evil, evil woman…

“Never before has a strep throat exam been so erotic…”

“Mmm, breathe harder, baby, I love the smell of those Cheetos…”

dang, i can’t get the image out of my head, so here’s another—

She writhed voluptuously against his hard, muscled body. “Oh, baby, your nose hairs are soo sexy. I wanna eat you up. Rarrh!”

With his crotch feeling tighter by the second, he pinned her hand to the wall and growled, “Easy, my one-legged booty-pie. Let’s not burn out your rear headlights yet. I wanna drive you all…night…long.”

I have to thank Bookshelves of Doom for sending me over here—hilarious.

“After Tarzan lost his legs in the fight against the lions, he was fading fast; Jane knew their only chance was for her to make his signature call to the elephants for back-up.”

Maureen said on…
07.21.10 at 07:36 AM

I’m floating in a most peculiar way.

“And your nose tastes very different today…”
(Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)

“She intended to win his heart,even if she had to go deep throat to do it!’

Wait Until Dusk…for the aftertaste to die down:)

“I cannot believe this damn fool fell asleep in the middle of showing me how it’s possible to rock climb backward without any climbing gear!  Hey, idiot, WAKE UP!”

He’s fast asleep, and she’s about to be; look at that cavernous yawn! Wait Until Dusk, and she’ll wake him with another sweep of those claws on his bare flesh, and they’ll do it all over again… as well as they can with no legs.

(Hee! “art65” - that ain’t art, no matter which of 65 ways you look at it!)

Oh! Maggie Robinson! “Oh. I thought that was your come face”  is the best line of romance mantalk I’ve read in weeks!

WARNING:  Ripping off the limbs of zombie siblings and teasing them by dangling them just out of reach may be hazardous to your health.  (Always start by sucking out the Braaaaiiiiinnnns)

He had narcolepsy, She had halitosis.  They were never meant to be together, but fate intervened and one legless night in a cave was all it took to change thier lives forever.

Injured and legless from an incident with a mechanical bull, John yearns for the day when he can use his only remaining limb below the waist.

Clarisse, herself impaired by misreading the directions on a bottle of Nair, figures she is just the person to cheer John up.

Can Clarisse and John feel the heat sans feet, or will the dark nightmares of their member mishaps keep John’s aching appendage away?  Find out now in “No Gait for Dusk.”

Looks like those Azkaban Dementors have a new secret weapon.

See, the thing is, she’s a were-something, and they’re trapped at the bottom of a well full of mercury, which is why you can’t see their legs.  Notice the scratches?  That’s because she really likes to bite and scratch when she’s in heat (hence the restraining hand about her wrist).  Also?  She generates her own, personal wind, just for her hair, not for any dude she’s trying to hump / maul / consume for dinner.

I think that the mercury poisoning is why he’s all kissy at her, though.  Must be, because ... well, who wants to have sex when they’re trapped at the bottom of a well full of mercury?  Other than the were-creature, who’s obviously not becoming all woozy on account of mercury poisoning, unlike that dude.

Her:  “I can not believe what you just did to me with that flashlight! And how could you just leave it there? I am going to bite your damn nose off you ass!”

She: “Did I just sit on some glowworms?  Hey, you got some on your hair, too.  Let me get them off…”
He: “No, I like how the light accentuates my manly locks and your heart-shaped ass.  Besides, this way no one will notice our lack of lower limbs.”

Even though we don’t have legs, I would follow you to the ends of the earth to smell your morning breath.

Or

Baby, breathe really hard in my face so I can forget our legs have been cut off.

Are you ready for me to wrap my mouth around your long, hard…proboscis?

Okay once I stopped laughing. And snorting.
All I could think was her saying in a corny accent
“I vant to suck your nose.”

Which should wake him up since he looks sound asleep.

And if we had to vote mine would go to Linsalot—the blurb brought on the laughter all over again.

And slowly, limb by limb, feature by feature, they devoured each other.

“You know how to whistle, don’t you? You just put your lips together and blow.”

“Erm, no, you blow, from your mouth, not on me,  there, aw hell, lady!”

She was a confused woman with a flatulance problem.

He was legless and naked. 

But when they met it was romance - paranomal style!

Wait For Dusk

A Book of the Month Selection from the Cannibals and Garment Workers of America Club.

Jillian will disappear completely from the world at nightfall…
Drake needs the scent of a woman to keep him from passing out…
There isn’t time to WAIT FOR DUSK!

At last! The delectable moment had arrived: Rokko discovered that by blowing gently into Kasaya’s open mouth, he could make her hair pouf out the back of her head. “Do me next” he whispered.

The background looks like some sort of cave paintings of corsets, they’re flying about. So,

Their mutual love of soft-core cave paintings sent palaeontologist-professor-and-rabid-cat-owner Dirk Claymore and his brilliant-(literally!)-but-socially-awkward-(does my halitosis bother you?)-grad-assistant Dannie Scabbard’s passion soaring, but can they keep their feet on the ground when when an unexpected department funding crisis threatens or will their budding partnership be torn asunder?

As the radioactive sulphuric acid fog swirled around them, Kassyndra and Mahgnis realized that not paying attention in CPR training was going to be the least of their worries.

Yes, THIS!

I do, however, submit: “Darling,” Kassyndra breathed, “since you smell with your ears and hear with your nose ... let me yell my ecstasy into your nasal hairs.”

Ah, romance. Le sigh.

I laughed at what Jason said, “the child’s game of Got Your Nose had never turned so Deadly.”

My comment is “Two handicapped lovers one a vampire with a glowing gaseous problem, lovingly covers her lovers nose and mouth with her mouth breathing her own breath into him, large squid seen stroking her as she breathes life into him.”

“I said ‘gobsmacked,’ not ‘goobersnacks.”

“Stop squirming so much baby, you know I don’t have any traction until dusk when my legs regenerate”, he murmured huskily. “Holy ass Scovilles you numbnut!  Are you sure that was only K-Y Intensely Intensed and not the Habanero jam your mother sent over?” she squealed. 

Wait For Dusk….

Hey, I just ate some onions, do I need to brush my teeth?  Here, smell.  Stop holding me back and just smell my breath.  HHHHHHHhhhhhhh.  Okay, is it good?

He was a were-pire cursed with bad breath.

She was born with one leg and the ass of a firefly.

He’ll bring her the excitement she’s always wanted…

And she’ll light up his life the only way she knows how…

The love of the ages brought together by a beacon of hope and a smog of bad breath that nothing could ever surpass!

***

That was a good stress release.

She wanted a man who could find her tapeworm.

He wanted a woman who shone the sun out of her ass.

Together they embarked on a mission to find their legs ... and found love instead.

Wo, wo, someone call the La Leche League.

This is a ‘shopped version of their latest how to breastfeed manual.

What, am I the only one who saw the cover and envisioned all those “line up the baby’s nose to your nipple, then wait for the mouth to gape open…”

WHAT, WHAT!?! I can’t be the only one!?

Wait for Dusk... Multiple amputees in leather are coming for you!

She wanted to go down on him, but there didn’t seem to be any *there* there ... perhaps ... his nose was so large, and so hard ... it was worth a shot.

Mistress Glowbottom, legless siren of the Deep Caverns, moans loudly into Lord Silkypuff’s ever able left nostril as he takes her in her own deep womanly cavern. So deeply, in fact, her Lord was forced to brace his amble rear end against the cavern wall as his legs disappeared into her…
—
Um. I just want to say deep one more time. Deep. Yeah, I’m going to apologize in advance for this.

As a young boy, John had found all the characters in the Wax Museum amazingly life-like.  So much so that he had become infatuated with the screaming girl in the House of Horrors.  He had always dreamed of what it would be like if she were real.  Now, there were rumors about how the characters all came to life at dusk.  With the memory of his long ago dreams echoing in his head, John decided to investigate.  He was unprepared for the truth, and for the unfortunately placed black lights.

Let it be known that due to a typo Lord Silkypuff’s rear end was described as amble rather than ample. He would like this corrected as his rear is of adequate size but does not enjoy leisurely walks.

One of them can gain legs… but the price is high. One must bite off the other’s nose. Will either be able to mutilate their lover, even for legs?

Sadly, the male’s short life has achieved its sole purpose, and is about to come to an end.  Once her egg is fertilized, the female devours her mate, starting with his nose.  The male thus provides nutrients to increase the chances of survival for his offspring, his first and final act of parental self-sacrifice.

Her: “It’s eating our legs!! OMG.. Now, it’s on my ASS!!!
Him: “Hold on baby.. I’m almost done!”

I don’t know why, but Castiron brought tears to my eyes.

Anyway, why is her hair flying and his lying flat?  Oh…wait, I think I just figured it out.

When regular cave light isn’t working for you and your lover, try GLOW-IN-THE-DARK body spray. Gone will be the fruitless poking and prodding—you’ll both light up the night sky.

Now available in banana flavour.

He found her halitosis and fairy dust butt incredibly sexy.  She was so impressed by the schlong so long it wrapped around his arm that she was able to forget their legless floating.

dangerous game LOL

“Rance! Look, Rance, look!  I CAN deep throat your stump!”

Mannequin 3: On the Hunt.

She was a Vampire Mannequin.  Alive by night.  Catatonic by day. And he’s misplaced her legs.  Can he find them before nightfall?  And does he want to?

I’m fairly certain that she’s attempting to give him a wet willy and that is, in fact, why he’s trying to hold her arm above her head. Poor guy. He apparently discovered the power of levitation so he could remain mobile after his partial amputation, only to have his blind date mistake his nose for a karaoke microphone.

Wait for Dusk: The Neverending Story Part 12

The Nothing is back, but Atreyu and the Not-So-Childlike Empress have bigger things to worry about than their vanishing legs. Will they consummate their love before any more appendages dissolve? Are Fantasia and Eroticon Six really merging? Is anyone even reading?