Bitchin' Blog Posts
Caption That Cover: Nip/Suck Edition
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | August 19, 2010 | Thursday at 2:49 pm | 93 CommentsKimberly sent me a link to the following cover, and I stared at it for a good ten minutes.
Please, for the love of all that is holy, tell me what happened to this guy? Caption this cover! You’ve got 24 hours, and I’ve got a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choice, if you can caption this cover and tell me… what went wrong, oh, so very, very wrong?
Standard disclaimer: I have no idea what happened to that man. I am not being compensated for this giveaway. Please see your doctor for an erection lasting more than four hours. Do not taunt happy fun ball. It rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs.
Filed: Caption This Cover, General Bitching
Tagged: wtfery, make the burning stop, elloras cave, cover snark, cover comparison, caption that cover
Brooks*belle said on 08.19.10 at 03:16 PM • [link]
Bernardo now regretted going to that cut-rate plastic surgeon.
Instead of the Sculpted Manly Man package, there was a tragic mix-up and he received the Victoria’s Secret Model Makeover package which included Rib Removal and Breast Implants.
...the other patient? She didn’t fare so well. Her newly sculpted abs itch, her pec implants have drifted into her armpits, and don’t even get her started on what the other “enhancement” procedure has done to her sex life.
Sharon said on 08.19.10 at 03:27 PM • [link]
Rio, a lonely man, left the Enterprise to retrieve the lonely woman on planet WTF. But when Scotty beamed them up something went horribly wrong! On the plus side, they will never be lonely again.
StarOpal said on 08.19.10 at 03:30 PM • [link]
Well there’s only one reason I know of for a man to want to get his ribs removed….
OR
“RIO: Tales of Frankenstein’s other monster.”
Jen H said on 08.19.10 at 03:35 PM • [link]
My reaction: Holy cats!
Caption: This is why steroids and gender-reassignment drugs should NOT be mixed.
That poor man:(
Isabel C. said on 08.19.10 at 03:36 PM • [link]
“It was about this time that the Umbrella Corporation began to regret that LSD-in-the-water-cooler experiment.”
Scrin said on 08.19.10 at 03:39 PM • [link]
Public Service Announcement: health care comes first. See this man? He spent money on cosmetics, and he paid the price. His man-titty implants gone horribly awry and extended use of a waist-shrinking corset let him unable to walk under own power, when he should have been spending money to fix his armpit eczema.
——
Seriously. That dude has a size-8 chest on a size-4 body. And what the FUCK is with those armpits? kfdn fgklnf dflkfd
Greg Stolze said on 08.19.10 at 03:44 PM • [link]
“Good news bad news, honey. The good news is, that stomach stapling FOR SURE helped me drop the pounds. Bad news is, the doctor says I can’t do jumping jacks, wear a seat belt, lower my arms below my shoulders, swim, ride a horse, wear shoes with laces or tight underpants, sneeze hard, sit without slouching, eat Indian food, dance anything other than The Electric Slide, or help you with dresses that zip up the back. But check out the six-pack!”
-G.
Scrin said on 08.19.10 at 03:45 PM • [link]
Ergh. Typos in the morning. Do over!
————————————-
Public Service Announcement: health care comes first. See this man? He spent money on cosmetics, and he pays the price. His man-titty implants went horribly awry and extended use of a waist-shrinking corset left him unable to walk under own power, when he should have been spending money to fix his armpit eczema.
———————————————
You win. My only hope for victory lies that the judges are not familiar with Resident Evil.
JenC said on 08.19.10 at 03:47 PM • [link]
Man boobs? Missing ribs? Embarrassing armpit hair? Don’t worry. At Matchthat.com you’re guaranteed to find someone who will think you’re sexy.
Tamara Hogan said on 08.19.10 at 03:49 PM • [link]
“Never Mind the Microencephaly.”
Amanda said on 08.19.10 at 04:02 PM • [link]
It seemed to Rio that somehow the Genie got the proportions off.
kirshpgh said on 08.19.10 at 04:05 PM • [link]
Wow. Sometimes I wish my eyes had a Gaussian Blur function.
(Not an entry, just stunned by some of the covers EC puts out ).
Laurel said on 08.19.10 at 04:08 PM • [link]
Emilio could only be grateful that he had not permanently removed his armpit hair as every other portion of his physique remained in permanent androgynous obscurity. He had been assured that the pec implants would look manly in the bedroom but with a little duct tape could fill out the sparkliest of drag gowns. The effects of years in the corset, however, had taken their toll and the combined effect could no longer swing both ways. A man’s body in a woman’s shape would be his burden to bear from now on.
At least his self-imposed deformity allowed for more of the red font to show on the book’s cover. For this small thing, he was grateful.
Sarah W said on 08.19.10 at 04:08 PM • [link]
Ask any turkey farmer: this is what happens when you breed for pecs and pipes.
Cate said on 08.19.10 at 04:15 PM • [link]
Women Who Love Men Who Love Women…‘s Undergarments: True Tales From Under the Corset!
JamiSings said on 08.19.10 at 04:22 PM • [link]
Rio wasn’t any man. In fact, he wasn’t a man at all. He was an angel sent down from earth to convince future president Cynthia Williams that her plans for dealing with terrorists would destroy God’s plan for the world. To do this he based his body on what humans find most sexy about men. However, demoness Mira slipped in a couple of doctored images. So now Rio has the chest of Fabio, the waist of a female underwear model, and the crotch of a Ken doll.
TheDuchess said on 08.19.10 at 04:22 PM • [link]
“Got electrolysis?”
All I can say is I’m running on very little sleep here.
summer96… was almost 15 years ago.
Lauren said on 08.19.10 at 04:24 PM • [link]
Someone enterprising gentleman has clearly taken SIR MIX A LOT’S GUIDE TO A BETTER BODY a little too literally:
When a GUY* walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face You get…
sprung?
( That’s one disturbing “Wowza”).
Libby said on 08.19.10 at 04:33 PM • [link]
When his model canceled at the last minute, the photographer had no choice but to come up with a solution fast. Thank goodness for his crafting skills and the spare Ken doll he had in his bag.
Donna said on 08.19.10 at 04:38 PM • [link]
Oh, hells no. It is way too early in the morning for this. I’m going to need more coffee and a higher level of conciousness.
quichepup said on 08.19.10 at 04:40 PM • [link]
His name is Rio and he walks on the sand…ever since a shark took a bite out of his ribcage.
LEW said on 08.19.10 at 04:41 PM • [link]
Tristan was never the same after visiting the Korowai tribe on Rib Wednesday.
Zita Hildebrandt said on 08.19.10 at 04:43 PM • [link]
Unbeknownst to Rio, the natives had sprinkled their patented shrinking powder onto his head while they were preparing him for the “King for a Day” ceremonies. When he realized that the hot tub was actually a soup pot, Rio regaled them with Tales of the Shareem while belly dancing to the beat of the drums.
And how appropriate is story66?
Jennifer Armintrout said on 08.19.10 at 04:44 PM • [link]
I don’t even have an entry. I’m just agog. AGOG.
Why is his arm so effing big and his head so effing tiny?!
Sara said on 08.19.10 at 04:47 PM • [link]
The part that keeps mesmorizing my eyes is the curve above the words on the right. It looks like a giant schlong coming out of his belly button.
Castiron said on 08.19.10 at 04:50 PM • [link]
He had thought that the Magical Rolex Armband would remove his armpit hair and thin down his waist. Alas, his copy of the Meaning of Magic Runes dictionary had reversed those two entries.
Natalie Arloa said on 08.19.10 at 04:53 PM • [link]
Someone up in Olympus hated him, and he was pretty sure he knew who it was—Zeus had a nasty sense of humor. What else could explain Ares wandering around earth with his head and lower regions in human size, but his chest and arms at Greek god size? The woman in front of him didn’t look awed, she looked puzzled. When he got back, he was going to stick that thunderbolt somewhere unpleasant.
darlynne said on 08.19.10 at 04:57 PM • [link]
Rio. She looked at him, she looked at her man. She looked back at him, at the man her man could be if he didn’t look like a man wearing a lady’s corset over a shark bite. Tales of the Shareem.
Randi said on 08.19.10 at 05:04 PM • [link]
@darlynne: ROFLMAO! You win!
Vicki said on 08.19.10 at 05:06 PM • [link]
Jared stared in horrified fascination at the third leg now sprouting from his surgically widened hips. Was this truly necessary to fit in with the alien population on Tripod?
or
Did you really think wings sprouted from shoulders? the fallen angel asked. This location and angle gives a great advantage in warfare.
Cheryl McInnis said on 08.19.10 at 05:11 PM • [link]
Friends don’t let friends drink and drive, or drink and play with Photoshop…...
Jason said on 08.19.10 at 05:22 PM • [link]
“His body twisted and mangled from a new fatal interior design accident, Rodrigo is destined to live his life with only half a body. But can he find a mate that will stay by his side? “
Get it? his side….I slay me! :D
~smooches~
Chris said on 08.19.10 at 05:32 PM • [link]
A horrible fight caused Kia to loose a chunk of his torso in wolf form. When he shifts back this is the result… Can he ever find love again?
HeatherK said on 08.19.10 at 05:38 PM • [link]
No caption. Just got to say Props to Isabel C. for the Resident Evil reference. With Umbrella’s involvement, he’s lucky he didn’t end up with a third arm and a shoulder hump taller than his head! That T-Virus is some nasty stuff. Is a growled “Stars” the only thing he can say? *snicker*
Rhian said on 08.19.10 at 05:45 PM • [link]
As Rio dubiously posed in front of the mirror, he couldn’t help but think that his new body was more “blow-up doll” than “sex god”, and wondered if he should have sprung for the in-person skin matching service. Perhaps he was dusky gold after all, rather then dusky peach. The swatches had looked so close on the card… Was it too late for a refund?
kathleen said on 08.19.10 at 05:57 PM • [link]
Rio: his heart was so big, it generated it’s own gravity. Know the love this man before he gets sucked into a black hole. Or brown one, no judging.
Philippa said on 08.19.10 at 06:06 PM • [link]
1.Nipples that follow you around the room? Check.
2.Female Burlesque artist in gender reassignment mix-up
Glory said on 08.19.10 at 06:08 PM • [link]
Somewhere, there’s a poor horse with no tail.
Lara Amber said on 08.19.10 at 06:10 PM • [link]
Beware the flesh eating red font!
hagedorn said on 08.19.10 at 06:13 PM • [link]
One Word: P90X.
Two more words: EPIC. FAIL.
Jessi J. said on 08.19.10 at 06:16 PM • [link]
A tale of the bad, the ugly and the Gross CGI
John said on 08.19.10 at 06:17 PM • [link]
Hm.
“Rio never thought he could get a new lease on life, until the sexy plastic surgeon Fernando offered him the surgery of a lifetime…With the chest of Pamela Anderson and the hair of a beautiful hippie woman, Rio’s love life was given a new package.”
most53 - The most I could get from this is that Ellora’s Cave has anatomically perverted cover artists.
Mama Nice said on 08.19.10 at 06:21 PM • [link]
Ok, I didn’t have a clue as to what a “shareem” was…so of course I consulted the mighty Oracle de Google. via WikiAnswers:
Shareem is Muslim which can be roughly translated to “terrorist” in english
There is so much I could do with that information and the cover art…but I’ll let your imaginations have some of the fun.
Missy Ann said on 08.19.10 at 06:24 PM • [link]
You could park a car in the shadow of his man-titty.
/With thanks to Thelma & Louise.
Sorcha Mowbray said on 08.19.10 at 06:27 PM • [link]
Rio never thought he’d get caught with the harem girl. Alas, he did. But who knew that when the Sheik made him a eunich the man titties would grow? Now he doesn’t need to touch the harem girls titties…he can play with his own!
Donna said on 08.19.10 at 06:27 PM • [link]
His surgical incison and the bandages gone, Rio lay back with a sigh of pleasure. His shorter torso now allowed him to reach what before his massive torso had denied him. He never agin had to suffer the laugher until he found a woman drunk or desperate enough to disregard his tiny head(s).
OK, Isabel, you win.
Mama Nice said on 08.19.10 at 06:28 PM • [link]
Rio took his life and his religion srsly. Like literally. Follow one man’s zealous passion as he creates his perfect mate…fashioned from his own rib.
Donna said on 08.19.10 at 06:30 PM • [link]
Gargh…... Apparently still not awake enough to avoid spelling and construction errors….
The Lady said on 08.19.10 at 06:31 PM • [link]
“She could heal the hurts of his heart, fill the emptiness of his soul…but could Trueth Loveth repair the divot in his side and ease his bulging muscles back into his skin?”
Lori said on 08.19.10 at 06:32 PM • [link]
That picture is so disturbing.
The alternate to transgender: The Shareem Tweens. They’re a little bit what you love about both sexes. Extra armpit hair available.
mlsky said on 08.19.10 at 06:35 PM • [link]
This is what happens when Photoshop Goes Wild. Curly ‘R’ too big? Don’t want it to bleed onto the cover model? Photoshop can handle it. Just shrink the hips by 25% and you’re good to go.
**Disclaimer**Shrinking the size of the font would accomplish the same thing and not make the model deformed. But we don’t recommend that super easy fix.
Mama Nice said on 08.19.10 at 06:36 PM • [link]
I really should be finishing up a script I’m writing, but I just can’t seem to help myself…
You know that South Park episode where Cartman sells some junior high boys a picture of some boobs, only it turns out to be his ass cleavage instead? Well…that’s kinda how I feel about this cover…have some fun…show a dude, any dude, the following cropped version of the pic:
[/code]http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x202/BLISSpic/shareemcovercrop.jpg[code]Then show him the whole thing and have a good chuckle.
Mama Nice said on 08.19.10 at 06:37 PM • [link]
I really should be finishing up a script I’m writing, but I just can’t seem to help myself…
You know that South Park episode where Cartman sells some junior high boys a picture of some boobs, only it turns out to be his ass cleavage instead? Well…that’s kinda how I feel about this cover…have some fun…show a dude, any dude, the following cropped version of the pic:
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x202/BLISSpic/shareemcovercrop.jpg
Then show him the whole thing and have a good chuckle.
Mama Nice said on 08.19.10 at 06:42 PM • [link]
No, I didn’t mean to comment twice, I am just technically impaired and don’t know how to insert a image in a comment properly.
I do, however, think I could do a better photoshop job than whatever artiste gave birth to the snark du jour.
Tasha said on 08.19.10 at 06:47 PM • [link]
With apologies to Kafka:
One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in his bed he had been changed into a monstrous Styrofoam mannequin, with Soloflex stamped onto his ass.
Teri C said on 08.19.10 at 06:58 PM • [link]
Rio, at this point it was so hard to keep upright, with his overly manly pecks that he was forced to lie in wait for his mistresses to do dastardly things to him while he could only lay prostrate on the silk covered bed.
Christine said on 08.19.10 at 07:35 PM • [link]
You should never consume the “DRINK ME” beverage and the “EAT ME” cake simultaneously, Alice. Er… Rio.
Teddypig said on 08.19.10 at 07:43 PM • [link]
Her name is Rio
and she wants to be a man
Oh Rio
Rio
You can’t hide double d
With just a tan
Susan D said on 08.19.10 at 07:50 PM • [link]
As my 6-year-old boy would say, “Stinky Furry Armpits!”
Julie said on 08.19.10 at 08:08 PM • [link]
Rio gazed into the fitting room mirror in despair. Bigger man-titty did not make his hips look smaller. Plus, finding a 50 triple F bra was a bitch.
Even worse was contemplating that his girlfriend’s twin Winnebagos were no comparison to his mighty Mount Everests.
leah said on 08.19.10 at 08:29 PM • [link]
It looks like he’s trying to make snow angels on the black satin sheets and got caught mid move.
Pam said on 08.19.10 at 08:37 PM • [link]
His name is Rio and he dances in the sand—
His head is tiny though he’s such a manly man—
Oh, Rio, Rio, is the problem in your glands?
Your abs are melting and your manly bits, unmanned…..
rebyj said on 08.19.10 at 08:37 PM • [link]
There are mild to severe side effects associated with steroid use. Body hair may fall off except for small fungusy looking patches. Ribs may collapse in causing severe pokage of your innards. Your biceps may become larger than your waist. You may experience a shrinking of your head. You may experience a shrinking of your other head. Effects mimic zombie-ism and you may experience the desire to eat live human flesh. Please use with caution.
Chrisbookarama said on 08.19.10 at 09:12 PM • [link]
Rio: Tales of Torso Reattachment Surgeries Gone Wrong
romantic@heart said on 08.19.10 at 09:16 PM • [link]
Wanna see how Adam looked after Eve took the rib?
Erin said on 08.19.10 at 09:20 PM • [link]
OMG - Pam! Give it to Pam! “is the problem in your glands” - seriously, the best line I’ve read all day.
Kathlyn said on 08.19.10 at 09:27 PM • [link]
And for his third wish, he asked the beautiful Genie for a little head.
Leslie H said on 08.19.10 at 09:35 PM • [link]
Phenomenal Cosmic Power….itty bitty thinking space.
Jessica M.D. said on 08.19.10 at 10:06 PM • [link]
But the doctor did such a good job on Heidi. . .
Lisa J said on 08.19.10 at 10:17 PM • [link]
To the double jointed Rio was a God.
To the hairless Rio’s armpits gave hope.
His man titty peaked, his waist petite, his interest she must pique.
tudorpot said on 08.19.10 at 10:41 PM • [link]
Rio regretted his choice to save money going to a third world country for pec implants.
Katherine said on 08.19.10 at 10:50 PM • [link]
“Dante regretted that he took his self-portrait in the fun-house mirror. He wished he had at least used the stretch mirror. Or manhood-growing mirror. Was there such a thing?”
There are some seriously warped proportions happening there. It is fasicinating like a car wreck - I just can’t look away!
SylviaSybil said on 08.19.10 at 11:04 PM • [link]
Rio now regretted her steroid use. Sure, she could bench press a truck, but everyone kept calling her “sir” and she suspected that “shareem” was the locals’ word for “she-male”. In desperation, she stripped off her shirt to display her breasts, but everyone was distracted by her new armpit hair.
(Seriously, that is not mantitty. That is womantitty.)
Lucy Woodhull said on 08.19.10 at 11:13 PM • [link]
Oh, no, thought Rio. I hope she can’t tell I’ve got gas.
Lucy Woodhull said on 08.19.10 at 11:15 PM • [link]
His name is Rio and he’s got a problem gland.
sarapencil said on 08.19.10 at 11:16 PM • [link]
“Oh goody goody! One more X-Lax tab and my waist will be the tiniest in the Shareem!”
Gretchen said on 08.19.10 at 11:34 PM • [link]
Head smaller than your pectoral? Surgical scar from costae-otomy more prominent than your new “ribcage”? Blame the new femdom regime for making every man have the same proportions of a Barbie doll.
Tessa said on 08.19.10 at 11:50 PM • [link]
Pam! Pam! As I read my way through the comments, the Duran Duran song was winding through my head and I was working on some lyrics, but Pam’s got it cold.
And just, wtf? Do cover artists think we don’t notice?
Madd said on 08.20.10 at 12:26 AM • [link]
The hairless hermaphrodites of planet Shareem lived peaceful lives of intellectual indolence until a genetic disease that caused over inflation of their genetically male components and reactivation of the recessive hair genes, resurfaced after thousands of years. Now a group of the afflicted, led by the intrepid Rio, have left the safety of their cities to follow the paths of legend deep in to the desert in hopes of a cure mentioned in ancient tales. Will they succeed or will Shareem become an intergalactic sausage party?
Lisa said on 08.20.10 at 12:50 AM • [link]
“Life is more fun with Inflatable Men ” - Satisfy every kink no matter which way you swing…
Lisa K said on 08.20.10 at 12:58 AM • [link]
Rio is the latest photoshop victim of the red letter “R”...
Beware… One of first symtpoms is armpit hair thinning…
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Maria said on 08.20.10 at 01:09 AM • [link]
Loved the book (and the series), never really noticed the cover. But then, I rarely do. I suppose it’s good that someone does.
Pamk said on 08.20.10 at 02:15 AM • [link]
Warning this is the results of a Witch scorned.
RebeccaJ said on 08.20.10 at 03:06 AM • [link]
Jeebers, that’s one big man tit!
Linsalot said on 08.20.10 at 03:26 AM • [link]
“Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man. Rio will be that man; better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster and most importantly with bigger man-titty, long blue hair and a meticulously manscaped underarm”
Courtney said on 08.20.10 at 03:36 AM • [link]
Rio passed out in a cheap Vegas motel and woke up as the only male contestant on “The Swan.”
Kar said on 08.20.10 at 03:58 AM • [link]
“We’ve done it Vampires, We’ve done it Werewolves. Now it’s time to fall in love with Homunculi.”
Captcha: boys98. Yeah, sure, that’s 98% boy.
Bren said on 08.20.10 at 04:21 AM • [link]
Rodrigo, having made up his mind to bring his gigolo business to the States, was very pleased with himself for having spent the time picking up the local lingo. Sadly, the language barrier failed him when he misheard “enormous testicles” for “malformed breasticles”.
JennyME said on 08.20.10 at 04:33 AM • [link]
Rio was the best infomercial salesman in the world. He had demonstrated on air how to use the at-home Man Titty Inflator to pump up his chest—sales skyrocketed! And yeah, maybe he’d had a couple of ribs removed to make his man-cleavage stand out, but it was all worth it if it lead to a sale.
He couldn’t understand why nobody wanted to buy the Shareem. How could he reach out to the millions of men around the world interested in buying a pocket-sized armpit hair trimmer for the low, low price of $9.95?
That’s when he decided to write a book…
Sarah Elle said on 08.20.10 at 04:48 AM • [link]
Rio enjoyed the bend and snap a little too much.
Kaetrin said on 08.20.10 at 06:18 AM • [link]
Never one to follow the crowd, Rio decided to have his sex change from the bottom up.
Thalia said on 08.20.10 at 10:50 AM • [link]
Props to Pam for the Duran Duran reference.
The Shareem were humanoid, thought Rio, but their proportions were just off. It looked like someone had chopped up photographs of a dozen different people, male and female, and attempted to assemble them. And yet, despite their appearance from uncanny valley, Rio couldn’t help but think about her Shareem. His lush armpit hair, tail attached to the back of his head, tiny little head, and the silver band that marked him. Theirs was a romance across species, but she could make it work!
Code: until85: Not going to forget this picture of Photoshop gone wrong until I’m 85.
mari said on 08.20.10 at 01:11 PM • [link]
“...In just 7 days, I can make you a maaa…nnn…”
or was that a jump to the left?
Care to comment?
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