Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Maybe not so much peeing per se, but his stiff stance suggest to me that he is concentrating really hard, via mind control, to get his crotch to do something. I think the mysterious swirls back up my claim of mind control.

I saw the title and had to go the supernatural route.

His back is stiff, his bladder ready… but he’s getting performance anxiety from those pesky ghosts. Will our hero ever get a moment to himself?

“I dinna know where you’ve bin, laddie, but I see you’ve won first prize again!”

Or perhaps, “Oo’s a pretty boy, then?”

Never forget, it’s the pelvic thrust that nearly drives you insayayayne….

[not actually wanting to enter the comp though :) ]

Haunting Derriere: The Hero takes a moment to regret that Celtic symbol tattoo he got on his rump; he really should stop accepting dares.

Oh shit what IS that?!  No wonder it was burning while I was peeing…

They say it happens to all men sooner or later…

“Look! No hands!”

Must. Not. Look. At. All. These. Swirlies.

“I think I need to see a Medcine Woman, it um swirls when I pee…”

“I lost my contact lens, in the bog.”

In the immortal words of Glenn Quagmire: “Does this look like a Q to you?”

Frankly, I’m more concerned about the swirling winds coming from his backside. Haunted farts?

“I think it’s a little bigger! Wait, no, it’s just the way I’m pushing my hips forward. ‘Natural male enhancement’ my ass. I wonder if it’s too late to collect on that money-back guarantee…”

As the four hour mark approached, he tried to stare it down, all the while cursing the lack of cell service.

“Does this rope belt make my ass look big? No? Does it make my wee man look bigger then???”

“Empty coastline as far as the eye can see, and I still manage to step in dog shit.”

Actually, out of the whole mess of that cover, I can’t get over that absurd piece of rope he’s using as a belt.  It’s too coarse to have nice finished ends with a buckle and it’d be really bulky to knot…

Sometimes when he was bored, Tiarnen liked to pull out his cock and pretend it was a giant ray gun incinerating the bugs scurrying around on the ground.  He was simple that way.

“Tonight… You.”

1)He knew that pissing in the wind was not a good idea, but he didn’t think there would be a problem with mist..

2)The Mysteriously Misty Tale of the Hypnotic Ass: Look at my ass, look at my ass, the ass, the ass, not around the ass, three,two, one, you’re under!  ——>  (inspired by Kenny Craig of Little Britain)

“Yes…yes..now point me toward that pot of gold.”

When she talked me into getting those piercings, I should have insisted on gold - that silver does not really go well with my skin tone, though it makes a nice contrast to the hair.

“That dip in the freezing ocean was NOT a good idea…”

“Great - thanks to you, I have to sneak out of yet another town at the crack of dawn, and this one didn’t even give me time to put my shirt back on!”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been holding it forever and really didn’t see you down there!  However, if you get stung by a jellyfish in those waters, you are all set.”

how does Elly May Clampett tie her belt?

Dowsing for the Magic Hoo-Ha with the Mighty Wang.

I showed this cover to my mum and at first glance she thought the title was Hamstring Desire. Make of that what you will ...

A mysterious occurrence….A wizard’s unholy intervention…A man’s search for his missing peepee….

“Dude, it was here just a minute ago.”

For once, Killian was glad of the stereotype about drunken Irishmen. A lie about a bottle of Jameson’s and a dare would be so much less humiliating than the truth of why he’d gotten his pubes waxed into the shape of a unicorn.

Hello, ladies, look at your man’s dick, now back to my dick, now back at your man’s dick, now back to my dick. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using leather belts and switched to rope belts, he could look like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on an island with the man that looks like he’s peeing in the ocean. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s a romance novel with a decent cover. Look again, the swirlies are arriving. Anything is possible when your man farts magical swirlies and not black miasma. I’m hung like a horse.”

“Judging by the angle, I’d say the wind off the sea is blowing at…oh, say, twenty-five miles per hour. Ooooh, that was a nice gust of about thirty-five! See how it bends?”

“Ungh, one!”
“Ungh, two!”
“Ungh, three!”
Sampson always made sure to get in a good set of Kegel’s during his morning workout.

“Uh oh!  Mr. Turtle it popping his head out again!”

Spamword wife33:  As I write this, that creepy “Sister Wives” guy is on the Today Show with his harem of losers.  Will he keep going until he finds wife33?

“Seriously?  Have I found the magic hoo-hoo of myth?  I’m not sure the gas is worth it.”

“It’s not small small.”

Maybe it was true, maybe good things could come in small packages.  But why had the sorceress have to attack down there?

Go, go Gadget Wiener!

Much love for Chrisbookarama.

It’s shrinkage!  I swear!

In reference to the triplet swirly things on the cover…

“Three balls?  Why was I born with three balls?”

They said that little blue pill shouldn’t last more than four hours!

I knew I should have read the directions before waxing.

He knows she will look past the mantitty so he must, too.

—Come on, Grendel, breathe some fire for daddy!

—Piers was flummoxed. If the thing about being stuck in a Staples, getting chased around by rabid toner cartriges was just a dream, where the fuck did that easy button come from?

In full concentration mode. Eyes on the prize.
(Flex) I must ... (Flex) I must .... (Flex) I must increase my ... (Flex) bust.

Peeing: By Calvin Klein

or

Adventures of Swirly Fog Man! Will he be able to make his way through the swirly fog?

or

Are there swirls on my ass? There had better not be those damn swirls on my ass! Maybe if I stand real still and flex my back muscles they’ll go away.

“...I had it when I left this morning….”

“Damn, stepped in another fresh turd, and I just cleaned these shoes!”

“Stupid mist!  Stepped on another nettle bush!”

“These pants are much less convenient than my kilt. If only I could easily pee without undoing this rope belt!  Someone should invent a special clasp on the front that could be sealed and unsealed quickly!”

Dirk didn’t touch his nethers when urinating, after all he knew where his penis had been…

How the snakes were really driven from Ireland!

“Come, my mystick divining rod. Point me toward the legendary Magic Hoo-ha. Awaken! Show me the way.”

He was the master of all he surveyed and marked his territory accordingly,like a many a lone wolf before him.

(This may only be funny to me and my husband but…)

“It defied all logic, but he could have sworn he heard the melodious strains of the song ‘Please release me, let me go’ by   Engelbert Humperdinck from ...down ... there?”

I am mildly disturbed by my spam word: child36

“Damn, lost another contact!”

Morphidae ftw, but Deadline Hell’s trip to Staples made me lol.

The shame of his swirled ass was so intense, he turned his back on his life…until he met the woman with zig-zags on her chest.

OMG!!  WTF???? What did the Mist Witch do with my junk?!

Kudos to Ann Somerville, even if her first reference was Scottish, not Irish.

The swirls have me worried, but clearly there’s a medical reason for them.

“Hey, my lower back is getting…longer.  What about….drats, always hoped that being Elongated Man would help there…”

Morphidae’s and the second of Deadline Hell’s both made me giggle out loud.

I cannot top those.

On his sojourn into Ireland, while stopping to heed the call of nature, Malcolm MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod looked down and learned to his shock that after that encounter with the witch of the moor, his clan’s famous motto no longer applied.

“I can scratch my ass AND write my name in the sand at the same time!”

“Why, hello there, m’lad. ‘Tis good to see that m’willie t’aint got the willies.”

“Does it look bigger from this angle?”

“It wasn’t a good idea to tatoo her name in there….ouch”

They said that size didn’t matter - that anything would do. Well, now’s my chance to prove it.

Except - I can’t get this damn knot untied. Help! For the love of ... something or other ... won’t someone please help me?!

Frankly, I’m more concerned about the swirling winds coming from his backside. Haunted farts?

I nearly fell off my chair laughing!

“...and they said it doesn’t point north.”

“Wow! It really DOES shink in the cold!”

“Wait a minute! Aren’t there supposed to be two Ls in Phillip?”

Who’s a good boy?  Yes, you’s my good boy!

She promised him supernatural enhancement, but didn’t mention what would be enhanced.

Who needs an English pointer when you have me lassie?

Patrick stared at his junk, aghast. Da’ had warned him not to screw leprechauns, but he hadn’t mentioned it would turn his dick green!

He longed to relieve himself of his haunting desire, but could he figure out how to get his rope belt knotted again?

Realizing that he has nothing but his rope belt and pants, the princess in the castle is just gonna have to wait another day. Our hero tries to tuck his swirls back in to start the long trek home.

It looks more like a look of defeat than anything to me… who wants that in a hero???

Ah damn, I peed on my shoes again.

“Haunted by a burgeoning problem,
He would find solace in her healing touch.”

I think that’s a fairly egregious caption for first thing Monday morning.

learned98:  Too early in the week to have learned 98 things yet.

Hey, he’s not peeing. I’ll tell you that. If he was peeing, at least one hand would be in front with him.

—Little known guy fact—

Any sane guy keeps a hand on his junk for control when he’s peeing outdoors. You just don’t want the dangleys behaving as they will. That’s how you end up with your shoes a little wet. A hand for control helps keep the stream away from you.

—Fact ended—

That said, I think he’d shed his shirt, and was about to turn around to begin to make sweet love to the heroine, having spent alllllll his time and effort getting to the point by the Powah of his Tru Luv for her.

Then he’d realized his Brazilian wax hadn’t gotten everything. In fact, it’s sort of scraggly. He really must have a word with Shawn. That stylist simply MUST pay more attention, even if the gossip about Tom was absolutely SALACIOUUUUSSSS.

“Rope underwear….bad idea….ch-chafing….ow.”

“Must remember to unzip first, pee second.”

“Get away, you dirty little leprechaun!”

Ass Hypnosis, you are getting very horny….

Like blowing a really good smoke ring, crop-circle farts take a bit of concentration.

“Why must my farts always break the sound barrier?” hangs head in shame.

More importantly, just WHAT was the guy that modeled for the cover doing?!

The miracle of Life

I’ve been struck with the stupid this morning, but Morphidae gets my vote.

“Oh, no! I put my pants on backwards. Again.”

I got it!!! He is Charlie Sheen in that crazy 20/20 Interview!!

“I win so radically in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.”

;)

I has cum. You know why swirlie?

hmm given the surroundings, I’m going to say he is feeling shame over what he did to that poor innocent sheep a half an hour ago

Look! The magic farts can too make me levitate!

Any man can write his name in the snow, but only one can draw symbols in peat with no hands….

“Damn! I thought what happened in Vegas would stay in Vegas.”

Hero to unseen Heroine - “Blowjob, I said blowjob not toejob!”

@ashley

!!!  heeheehee

“Aw, man! I just bought these shoes. Stupid sheep.”

There are some great captions here, but one made me laugh out loud.  Brian’s simple, everyday explanation fits perfectly:

Ah damn, I peed on my shoes again.

i will write my name in this melting snow. Which font do you prefer? Regular cursive? Comic sans? Times New Roman? Chiller? I am a man of many talents. Can you not tell by my manly back pecs and my enormous schlong?

Other dowsers use willow rods. Why was it his gift to use *his* rod to find water? At least it was accurate: water, straight ahead.

Where are my keys?: a Novel based on a True Story
  His keys were gone again, and all he could do was search aimlessly through the mysterious mysts of mystical might. They surrounded him, swirling around and around while he wandered further and further from his apartment.

“Sigh. Some days I just want to pee sitting down without shame.”

He’s looking down at his shoes, trying to pretend that the impressively concentric swirling mists aren’t coming from his ass and rising up to his his nose.

caption:  Whoever smelt it dealt it.

“Wh…where’d it go?” ::whimpers::

“A people beset with gluten and lactose intolerance. ..
..a man, raised on a diet of cabbage and bacon…
One man would control the ‘mist’ that would free his people from their oppressors… and save them from their poor diet. “

Or perhaps ,
“... féidír, fhéachaint tú ar seo! Nuair a bheidh mé anseo, tá mo oileán mar an gcéanna le Inis Mór.”

Which roughly translates to-
” ...if you look! When I stand here my island is the same size as Inishmore. ”
(Though my gaeilge is rather rusty…  )

@henofthewoods Oh, that was funny; and based on a true story, no less.

Irish mist is like snow, you want everything except the yellow bits.

After a re-read, I realise that should have been ‘fhéachann’

...‘má fhéachann tú anseo” .... The ‘feidir’ becoming superfluous.

Apologies to (better) Irish speakers,

“As the Mists of Tír na nÓg rolled in again, Óisin hung his head and sighed.
He really wished that one day Niamh would want him for more than just his body.”

(last one, I need to stop procrastinating now.)

“He stared down at himself, one thought in his mind: ‘I may only have the bladder of a mortal, but I will somehow take a whiz along the entire coast of Ireland.’”

A man’s gotta have goals.

Concentrating with all his might and clenching his butt muscles, he was finally able to emit the emergency hurricane distress call.

“I sure wish I didn’t have these genital warts.”

“I love how this belt compliments my abs.”

Peter’s demeanor quickly turned sour when he realized he would have to walk several more miles off the beaten path until he reached the nearest t-shirt vendor.

Colin has relied on his magic cock as a compass before, but now that it has been possessed by the ghost of the most powerful succubus in Ireland, he may be forever lost in a land of conflicting desires.

Remember how little girls use to chant “I must, I must, I must increase my bust.” Well I’m thinking he’s trying to use the power of the mind to get it to grow.

Lachlan knew that contrary to what people said, size does matter. He knew that tapping into the power of the mists would make it grow…Grow, little Lachlan, Grow!

Someone call my chiro, I think I need a neck alignment

My private SBD.

@notsurewho Poor Óisin, so misunderstood.  Now you’ve made me feel sorry for the cover model. 

I need to stop procrastinating too.

“Haunted by lost love and erectile dysfunction. “
“A desire as mysterious as the ocean, and as long lasting as his gas.”

Damn these Irish mists, they’ve turned my tallywhacker green!

Alternatively—

Why do my farts smell like Bailey’s?

(With thanks and apologies to King Missile…)
“I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It’s detachable.
*detachable penis, penis…detachable penis, penis…*”

“Oh, come on, come on,” he rasps, looking downward. “It’s a beautiful day!”

*tap, tap*

“Gosh damn it. I’m suing that damn therapist. ‘What makes you happy, indeed!’”

Omg! She said it wasn’t contagious.

“The leprechaun swore that the four-leaf clover lay in the field ahead. He had only to find it to win back his magic cloak and save the village from certain destruction. Not to mention the nasty chill…”

The beautiful lakes of Ireland… you know what happens when you have to pee and you hear water!

He was so absorbed in wondering whether he needed to see a urologist, he failed to notice the surprising symptom that would indicate that he might be better advised by a proctologist.

“Don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.”

Yes, I thought of the Hulk. This guy actually has a really nice back:)

Beefcake wonders, “Where’s the beef?”

“Damned by the ghosts of incontinence, only a fiery Irish beauty will banish his pesky spirits and show him the way to love. Heads up, it’s a great adventure!”

Unaware that they had migrated to his ass and the new danger there he sighed in relief as he said The magic swirlies have finally departed cocknballs! We can take a rest from all that wenching! We are safe now!”

*heh. Captcha word “down48”*

Aw, you can’t blame him for peeing with no hands. After all, after his hernia surgery, the doc did say “no heavy lifting!”

That “Male Performance Enhancer” drug package said that if I become dizzy or nauseated during sexual activity, or if I have pain, numbness, or tingling in my chest, arms, neck, or jaw, or an erection that is painful or lasts 4 hours or longer, that I should stop and call my doctor right away. Maybe I shouldn’t have tripled the dose?!?

“Will I be able to untie this rope before it’s too late?”

“Dammit, I forgot to capitalize my name again.”

Hmmm… Is it supposed to be doing that.

“Empty coastline as far as the eye can see, and I still manage to step in dog shit.”

This one has my vote.  Very clever.

He’s obviously giving his penis a pep talk.

Concentrate all you want, but just because she told you it kinda looks like a lighthouse, doesn’t mean it can be used at one.

VixAmesLiz said:

Like blowing a really good smoke ring, crop-circle farts take a bit of concentration.

Great (or at least twisted) minds obviously think alike. Well done! My crop-circle fart caption and I respectfully withdraw from the field of play. ;-)

“Yours may be bigger, but mine is prettier!”

Dejectedly, He walked away with her words echoing through his brain. “It does matter, it is a big deal and it doesn’t happen to every guy!”

“Ah, crap.  That can’t be normal.  Does anybody have a Band-Aid?  Anybody?”

’ “Ah!” He said smugly.
“But can Michael Flatley do this!” ‘
——
“An island full of saints and scholars… and not a one of them a doctor, bloody typical!”
———-

“I see the sea and the sees… more of me than intended.
Seriously, could noone tell me my fly was open?
Not funny lads, not funny.”

-probably97 (lets hope that’s not how many times I comment on this! )

“Damn, when I got that fairy to give me a magic penis, rainbow colors and sparkles was not what I was after!”

‘whiney voice’ I have a what?

Kim S. - the Old Spice one cracked me up!  You get my vote!

Mary

1.  Proving that there are still snakes in Ireland, after all.

2.  Girl ya gotta know you’re my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin’ real
Wanna get you somethin’ from the heart
Somethin’ special girl
It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl
It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl

Something about that rope belt keeps making me think about The Scotsman (Lad, I don’t know where you’ve been, but I see you won first prize!), only apparently the Irish version involves a noose.  (Insert witty pun here)

I haven’t read through all the comments so it may already have been said.

Look mum - no hands!

“Ooo, Declan, you have ‘swan’ tattooed on your cock.”
“Look again, lassie.  It really says ‘Sascatchewan’.

“Now - circle to the right.”

Mr. Amazing practices a new trick for that night’s show.

The Snake Wrangler prepares for his greatest challenge.

“I didn’t know shrinkage could do THAT!”

( Hey, it’s bloody godawful cold in Ireland.)

Either that or:  “Who stole my weiner?”

“That doesna look right!”

“Well, this is awkward.”

now to dot the i and cross the t….

(all I could think of was that he was concentrating on writing his name!!)  :)

My Wee Could Fill An Ocean

Och, Laddie, come out. She’s not that bad looking!

Or for another title The Mesmerizing Mighty Wang

“What? My abs don’t say ‘haunting desire’? Er, I don’t think the mist around my ass is going to convey that message either.”

“Down, boy!  Down!”

I think your disclaimer provides the perfect caption:

From: Hero
To: Bladder
Re: To-do list

1. Void where prohibited.

Our poor hero’s wang was so massy
It could fit into no Irish lassie.
At the end of the day
When they’d all run away
He was left all alone, sad and gassy.

“There once was a woman who married a brick,
but soon her affections transposed to a stick.
We had thought that was odd
back on our home sod,
Until cousin Paddy married his dick.”
...............

@Lynn S :-) (I’ve always felt sorry for Óisín óg. ...poor fool.)

@ghn All I could think was ” Rhinestones? Seriously, WTF!”

Telekinetic wanking = crop circle farts. Who knew?

“That’s the last time I go drinking with those assholes… wake up missing my shirt and the buttons on my pants; I FINALLY get them to stay up by using the drapery cord as a belt only to find that some jerk stole my ship right out of the harbor!  Oh, and the “surprise” Brazilian… did I mention the fucking Brazilian???”

@Olivia and @notsurewho:  You know it’s officially March when the limericks start a rollin’ in.

looks like a BJ from a ghost to me…

spamword- hard29. no comment.

‘Hmmm, the rope belt seems a little harder to unknot than knot… Might have to invest in a real belt.’

‘Surely one more time won’t make hair grow on my palms…”

“I was in the pool!” - courtesy of George from Seinfeld.

‘Frostbite in Ireland. When my blackened hand falls off I can pleasure my lady with the nub!’

Since birth his mother always told him that men thought only with their dicks. Now finding himself lost in a vaguely accurate historical time, he paused and tried to think very hard…

“I wonder if I can hit that sheep down there? ... Hahah, stupid sheep!”

Now YOU can be the tortured hero, too!

Step One: Assume The Stance:  Arms spread slightly, chest thrust arrogantly forward, buttocks clinched, head lowered under the weight of your great burdens.
Step Two (optional): Have a friend trail you with a fog machine and/or a hauntingly melodic soundtrack.

Now get ready, because the heroine of your dreams will appear in no time!

Disclaimer: Obtain doctor’s permission before undertaking any of the above, but do not be dissuaded by doubtful comments.  Rest assured that any soreness of the muscles resulting from The Stance will soon be relieved by the Magic Hoo Hoo of your future heroine.

“Steady. Steaaady. ‘I…love…’ All those other ab-tastic chumps just grudgingly SAY they love their woman. To be sure, to be sure. (This is an Irish Romance, don’cha know! Shite! Jaysus! Er…leprauchaun!) *I* write my love notes in the sand, simultaneously demonstrating my impressive muscular control. And this, ladies, is why I’m known in pubs from Dun Laorghaire to Dublin as The Pencil Pecker.”

Laird Razor McWharsmyshirt demonstrates exactly why he is stuck in the Mists of Ireland with nary a bodice-ripped, thigh-splayed heroine in sight.

even if her first reference was Scottish, not Irish.

But the Picts were the Scots and the Scots were the Irish, didn’t you know? [/1066 and all that]

So many very funny entries, but I think Morphidae’s possibly edges in front, like the unseen todger in the cover.

I think he’s muttering, “Damn it, it’s burn the sheep, rape the women.”

Oh, shit.  I didn’t bring a binder to cover that during my presentation on the potato famines.

Lord Devon MacRavenswood is devastated when he realizes he just doesn’t have enough in him to spell out his name in the snow.

“He searched everywhere for his lucky charms…”

Huh!  Mom was right, it DOES fall off if you play with it too much.

@Ann Somerville: And here I was thinking I was the only person who’d read and loved 1066 and All That! Though my own favorite part is when Robin Hood lay a-dying, fired an arrow out the window, and hit the Sherrif of Nottingham again!

<3

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOASS.

Swirly Butt of Desire

Brought to you by the letter B, for bigger, and spending way, way too much time in airports and on planes…

I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can

or

“Come on little fellow; I know you can do it.  Everytime we think of the Magic Hoo-Ha we get a little bit bigger”

St Patrick didn’t get rid of *all* the snakes in Ireland.

or

Damn belt’s come undone and it’s dragging on the ground again. I’m gonna have to sling it over my shoulder at this rate.

“Look, Ma, no hands!”

Shoulders back…
Stand up straight…
Suck in my stomach…
Oooo, it does make my little man look sooooo much bigger.
Goody gum drop!

I love these caption contests!  So funny!

“I was sure it was there when I woke up this morning.”

“Ok, it’s out. Now what?”

The roguish Mr. X thought he was being haunted by ghosts of his past.  He couldn’t have known the ghosts of girlfriends present were haunting his little X as well…..

There, in the puddle of his urine, was the face of his angel… haunting him. If only his desire matched the length and breadth of his rope belt. If only she hadn’t laughed.

Seamus stared in horror at the wilted shamrocks and dead leprechauns spelling out his name.  Who knew that winning the pissing contest would result in in such wanton destruction.

Uh oh.  What is that?  This can’t be good.

Bran would never forget his night with Donal of the merfolk. The bloody crabs wouldn’t let him.

OMG, some of the above captions are HILARIOUS!!

“What else can I raise with my mind control?”

For once I’m not going to take the dirty route…here is my attempt.

Haunting Desire - a place where Ted was haunted by his decision to pick puce for his mani-pedi.

My husband adds this one:

What’s it building down there?

On the front: She broke his heart…He peed on her rosebushes.

and on the back: Even after he was gone…His aroma haunted her dreams.

How’d THAT get there?

Dr Banner wasn’t sure, but he thought he spied another Hulk in the green mists of the Emerald Isle…

Damn.  If only I hadn’t been chopping jalapenos, I’d be able to keep my shoes dry.

3hrs, 59 seconds…damn that double dose of Viagra!

Sean thought he’d found the solution to his little problem…

He wondered what the mists would bring but wasn’t prepared for what it would take.

Wait. Where’d that girl go?

Title:  Gregor and His Stiffy Do Ireland

Donal McDonal and the Dowsing Dick of Dublin: An Irrigating Ireland Tale

A hard man is good to find.  (courtesy of Mae West)

I was the only person who’d read and loved 1066 and All That

We did better than that - we staged it in highschool :)

“Wow, I even impress myself!”