Bitchin' Blog Posts
Caption That Cover: Lord of the Windstorm Edition
by SB Sarah | by SB Sarah | January 16, 2013 | Wednesday at 1:10 am | 82 CommentsIn a recent roundup of books on sale, FairyKat asked very nicely if we could caption one of the covers. I don't see why. Do you?
The thing I question most is, where did his legs go? Are his legs with this guy's head?!
If Lord Fireice's pants are with Stygian's head, that must be a fun party. I hope the bar is being underwritten by Photoshop. (Many MANY thanks to the lovely women at the book club at the Galaxy Bookshop in Sydney for pointing out Mr. Headless to me when I was there.)
So, what IS Mr. Lord of Fire and Ice thinking? Why is he holding his flaming hand next to his crotch? Isn't that rule number one when one can wield fire: no flaming near the family jewels? Time to caption that cover!
You've got 48 hours to come up with a most bodacious caption for the Lord of Fire and Ice. I'll pick the winner on Friday, 18 January, at noon eastern. You're more than welcome to "Like" your favorite comments to try to sway my vote. The winner will receive a $25 giftcard to the bookstore of his or her choice.
Standard disclaimers apply: Void where prohibited. Must be over 18 and doing the dance dance revolution to win. Open to international residents including the folks in the space station. By submitting an entry to the contest as set forth herein, each entrant does acknowledge and agree that, in the event such entrant is victorious, such entrant will perform a ceremony reasonably appropriate to such circumstance, including, without limitation, the Miposian Dance of Joy or, in the alternative, Gangnam Style.
Go forth and caption Mr. Firepants! Bring it on!
Filed: Caption This Cover, General Bitching
Tagged: wtfery, make the burning stop, headdesk, dance of joy, caption that cover
Miss Chief said on 01.16.13 at 05:40 AM • [link]
Message to King of Rhodes
Dear Sire,
It would seem that your Colussus has escaped again, since I see him here waist deep in the waters around my island. In an attempt to keep his hands aflame he seems to be loosing his family jewels. Also a viking ship is approaching and you know how they get when they smell treasure, I tell you they are pigs one and all.
Please send your headless huntsman to collect your Colussus ASAP.
Love Circes
Witch and Sorceress
Isle of Aeaea
DivineKittyCat said on 01.16.13 at 05:42 AM • [link]
As he gazed into the distance he wondered if he would ever find his pants, which, incidentally still contained his legs. He also began to suspect that he had somehow contracted athlete’s foot of the hands, as he currently had misplaced his feet. The burning flames sprouting from between his fingers just could not be healthy.
Lisa J said on 01.16.13 at 06:09 AM • [link]
He knew the clinic said he may experience a burning sensation, but who would guess it would spread to his hands and burn up everything from the waist down?
Sarah W said on 01.16.13 at 06:58 AM • [link]
“You tell me Doc. It started itching this morning, and now this.”
Or
He never thought he’d be grateful to Loki for playing that practical joke, but the water was flipping freezing!
megsan said on 01.16.13 at 07:04 AM • [link]
Having lost his legs (and err… other bits down there) in a freak snowstorm, Victor, the once virile viking, thought he would never please a lady again. Happily, Victor soon discovers his special talent for making a lady burn with passion with just one touch of his hands.
Anony Miss said on 01.16.13 at 07:33 AM • [link]
Huh. Whadduya know? It really WAS cold enough out there to freeze your @%# off.
(Good thing he got those pocket hand warmers as stocking stuffers)
orchid7 said on 01.16.13 at 07:34 AM • [link]
“That’s the last time I have anything to do with the ladies in THAT port!” he muttered grumpily to himself, quickly reaching for some fast actin’ Tinactin. Perhaps a shot of penicillin was in order too, as he was sure someone was going to notice the scorch marks on his trousers.
Amitatuq said on 01.16.13 at 07:34 AM • [link]
Sadly, the viking lord had not yet learned to control his hand flames before he decided to have a private moment that caused the burning in his loins to become a burning of his loins.
Elizabeth Houston said on 01.16.13 at 07:43 AM • [link]
I had to do the other one- Stygian knew the ‘roids had some bad side effects, but he thought the shinkage was supposed to be in the vicinity of his other head. Oh well, the one that remained was probably smarter anyway…
Kathy L said on 01.16.13 at 07:45 AM • [link]
One word: “Friction”
Rlane37 said on 01.16.13 at 07:46 AM • [link]
After losing his lower half during the ice wars, he tried to overcome his depression by playing with fire. His inner arsonist soon came into play and he began shooting fire balls at passing ships, and the heads and legs of other men. If he couldn’t have legs, no one can.
Consumptiongirl said on 01.16.13 at 07:51 AM • [link]
“Full of wicked desire”; legs burned off by fire.
‘Nuff said.
Emily said on 01.16.13 at 08:20 AM • [link]
Posing for this cover is way more fun than that Pert Plus shoot last month. Note to self: send agent a fruit basket.
Suz_Glo said on 01.16.13 at 08:21 AM • [link]
“Dance till your pants are on fire and embrace my red hot flame!” Derek Hough, Dancing with the Stars Champion and, now, Cover Model.
Vandy Jones said on 01.16.13 at 08:21 AM • [link]
Saber toothed crotch crickets were no longer a problem for Ragnar the Flaming Viking.
Or
Ragnar gave a whole new meaning to Flaming Viking.
Beccah W. said on 01.16.13 at 08:47 AM • [link]
Stygian was used to the heavy fog swirling about his head at all times - a by product of being such a tall beast - but now that a new flaming viking was in town, he suddenly felt mist-ified about how to attract women.
Sarah Skwire said on 01.16.13 at 08:49 AM • [link]
My great balls of fire beat my brother Michael’s Feet of Flames any day of the week, yo
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F…
Chintz Curtain said on 01.16.13 at 09:02 AM • [link]
‘Er, I think you may be taking the sensation play a bit too far, honey. I’m happy to wear the collar, and I’m kind of okay with you running an icecube over my chest, but making me run around in Arctic conditions and setting my crotch and hands on fire? We seriously need to revisit that hard limit list …’
Katie said on 01.16.13 at 09:32 AM • [link]
Jim Morrison shot out of sleep like a jack in the box. “Come on, baby, light my fire!” he shouted. “Hmmpf,” muttered the groupie still dozing beside him. He leapt to his feet and began kicking through the discarded clothing on the floor. Where was his notebook? “I had the strangest dream,” he explained, riffling under a pair of jeans, “there was a viking wearing a collar. His hands were…ablaze.” Finally he found the battered moleskein and scratched out the soon-to-be-immortal words, “...try to set the night on fire.”
trudy said on 01.16.13 at 09:44 AM • [link]
“‘Tis half a Viking I be without my magic. But half a Viking, they say, ‘tis good enough.”
“Yeah, I’m ripped. But I did not say to rip my head off, woman. How do you propose to fix this?”
Lostshadows said on 01.16.13 at 10:29 AM • [link]
Finding himself severally under-dressed for the cold, and having already lost feeling in his lower extremities, Ulric took desperate measures to try to preserve any hope he had of both surviving and having a family. Igniting his other hand, he raised it as a distress beacon, and hoped the ship he saw in the distance wasn’t just a hallucination brought on by the hypothermia.
Mochabean1 said on 01.16.13 at 10:34 AM • [link]
My loins of Fire and Ice can beat your Song of Ice and Fire any day of the week, GRRM!
Elyssa Patrick said on 01.16.13 at 10:42 AM • [link]
For Lord of Fire and Ice: Brothers Earth and Wind, rejoice! I have found our long-lost brother, Ice. He was enslaved on Captain Jack Sparrow’s ship but my crotch of burning flames and my hand of fire has freed him.
For Stygian’s Honor: The Headless Horseman is looking for love. He may not have a head upstairs but he for sure makes for it downstairs.
Lyra Archer said on 01.16.13 at 10:43 AM • [link]
The gods were merciful, for though they sent him into the frozen waste with nary a stitch on him, he still had his Flaming Hands o’Fire™ to keep him (and him) warm. What he wouldn’t do for a pair of legs though. Ah well, the gods giveth and the gods taketh away.
Elyssa Patrick said on 01.16.13 at 10:43 AM • [link]
*makes UP for it downstairs.
Charon said on 01.16.13 at 11:08 AM • [link]
“Yes,” thought the wolf. “His head may have been nothing to call the pack over for, but the rest of him will make a tasty snack. And I’m pretty sure a young lady with a heaving bosom will turn up in time for dessert.”
SelenaBlake said on 01.16.13 at 11:16 AM • [link]
I’m mellllllting…
Kam said on 01.16.13 at 11:18 AM • [link]
“I want you so much my loins are aflame,” he whispered to her in a pained voice. “I mean they are literally on fire.”
Katie Lunsford said on 01.16.13 at 11:24 AM • [link]
He’ll really get your fire started… If yah know what I mean….
Elyse said on 01.16.13 at 11:30 AM • [link]
Only she could soothe the burning in his loins…A tale of Fire, Ice and Tough Actin’ Tinactin!
SumGeek said on 01.16.13 at 11:32 AM • [link]
I’ve got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it…show it…show it….
Katie Lunsford said on 01.16.13 at 11:52 AM • [link]
Goodness, gracious…. GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!
Kate4queen said on 01.16.13 at 12:01 PM • [link]
“There’s no fire in my loins, so you’ll have to make do with my hand, okay?”
SelenaBlake said on 01.16.13 at 12:02 PM • [link]
Oh, I think Katie wins!
Oaxacamama said on 01.16.13 at 12:11 PM • [link]
When Bothvar the Bold told her his loins burned, she’d assumed he meant for her. Now why couldn’t she have learned her lesson from her previous lover, who’d told her he’d lost his head?
Jessi Gage said on 01.16.13 at 12:19 PM • [link]
“Here, you’ve got to see this. Look, I can crush my enemy’s Viking ship with my bicep while burning his sail with this magic flame—oh shit! I didn’t realize BOTH hands were making the magic flame!” *Jumps up and down and starts beating crotch*
Host: *shakes head* “Always the life of the party, Brandr.”
Sahara721 said on 01.16.13 at 12:31 PM • [link]
1) I’m a genie in a Zippo baby… Come on let me light /you/ up….
&
2) It was the last time he fell for the cry of ‘Wolf!’.... Forever after, his lack of ears prevented hearing those fraudulent tones.
CK said on 01.16.13 at 12:46 PM • [link]
The virile Viking Lord finally found a solution to his hairy palm affliction. Unfortunately, he realized too late that he should have paid more attention to the warnings of the village witch because the concoction turned out to be less icy than hot.
Anna Richland said on 01.16.13 at 12:54 PM • [link]
Is man-waxing too soft for you virile Wall Street raiders? Try this historically accurate method to remove unsightly or unwanted hair: the Viking Flame Job (tm). Takes it all off, and more, pain guaranteed.
Wong Pei Xing said on 01.16.13 at 01:04 PM • [link]
A burning and passionate love story so hot that it will burst into flames and consume your soul… along with your legs.
Jennifer said on 01.16.13 at 01:11 PM • [link]
Lief the Viking was known for as a killer for his skill with swords and battle-axes, but what really set him apart was his deadly use of firecrotch.
PamG said on 01.16.13 at 01:24 PM • [link]
Here comes my left hand and it’s blazin’ mighty nice
Here comes my right hand, it’s meltin’ all that ice
There go those Vikings following the flame
Here comes the hot hand that makes it hard to aim
Through ice and through fire, they come and they go
With only one thing in common
They got the fire down below
With a nod to Bob Seger
lara said on 01.16.13 at 01:41 PM • [link]
Yo Frozone, can you do *this*?
Amy Chambers said on 01.16.13 at 02:31 PM • [link]
I like his kicky little leather collar - maybe he had to chop his legs off to escape the rest of his shackles? My entries are:
a - ‘Yes, his first Chanel No. 5 ad had premiered to universal derision, but Brad couldn’t help feeling the marketing team’s drastic change in direction was too extreme.’
b - ‘Stygian took up chain smoking to disguise the fact that his head, with its perfect blue roundness and lack of features, looked uncannily like a Times New Roman ‘o’.’
Lege Artis said on 01.16.13 at 03:00 PM • [link]
He burnt himself do badly, he had to jump of into the sea to cool off….
hapax said on 01.16.13 at 03:00 PM • [link]
1. (m/m only) “Greek Fire, hah! Time to meet Flaming Viking!”
2. Wulf thought that his hands in his pockets would conceal the tent in his pants, but nothing could hide his O-face.
Kael said on 01.16.13 at 03:15 PM • [link]
“But first, I have to warm up!”
Maren said on 01.16.13 at 03:31 PM • [link]
Stygian realized too late his error in asking the Lord of Fire and Ice for a little head.
Karen said on 01.16.13 at 03:44 PM • [link]
That was the last time Borkr went camping with Pull-My-Finger Viking. Sometime after the beans and the thirteenth drink, the matches seemed like a good idea. Obviously, they were not.
Kathy said on 01.16.13 at 03:56 PM • [link]
Icy hale and piercing wind lashed against Wulf’s stark blue eyes, and echoed around his empty soul. So deaded to all emotions due to being seen as no more than a great hulking piece of eye-candy he set himself on fire, just to see if he could still feel!
Lege Artis said on 01.16.13 at 04:04 PM • [link]
For Stygian’s honor:
Stygian saw that dog collar that Lord of Ice and Fire is wearing and decided that losing his head has its benefits….
Lauren said on 01.16.13 at 04:29 PM • [link]
Sven didn’t know how this Robert Frost guy found out about his family’s supernatural abilities, but he had to admit the man was right. In head-to-head competition, the fire talents nearly always bested the ice wielders. Poor cousin Stygian.
Tamara Hogan said on 01.16.13 at 05:26 PM • [link]
Stygian didn’t need the big head. He did all his thinking with the small one anyway.
Fullybooked said on 01.16.13 at 06:00 PM • [link]
Lord Fireice had been without a woman for so long his great balls of fire had spread to his hands.
M&M said on 01.16.13 at 07:18 PM • [link]
this is for cover number two:
The next big thing in paranormal romance: Tortoise Shifters! Slow and steady, they’ll win the race for their mate’s heart….just as soon as those mean wolf shifters are gone, they’ll pop their heads back out again. Don’t judge. They make love, not war.
Warning contains T/F/T/T action
Ambraiy said on 01.16.13 at 08:14 PM • [link]
Let me prove that the fire in my loins burns hotter for you than the fires in my hand.
Ellielu said on 01.16.13 at 08:32 PM • [link]
I can’t come up with anything clever. I can’t get past the fact that the Lord of F & I looks like Keith Urban. Who knew that excessive flat-ironing was a grievous grooming sin even back in Viking times!
Melissandre said on 01.16.13 at 08:38 PM • [link]
The Lady of the Lake’s brother, Lord of the Ice, was charged with burning ships for Viking funerals. Like her, his involvement in these rites was also considered a farcical aquatic ceremony.
Juli C said on 01.16.13 at 09:26 PM • [link]
You wish Viking-style pleasure? Um. Look! Fire!
LisaC said on 01.16.13 at 09:37 PM • [link]
1) Fryar tossed his golden mane with quiet satisfaction ss he watched the ship sail closer. “Oh, yeah, who’s a hottie?”
2) Oh Stygian oh Stygian, say, have you met Stygian? Stygian the headless lovegod. He has biceps folks adore so, and a torso even more so…(with apologies to E.Y. Harburg’s Lydia)
Kaetrin said on 01.16.13 at 10:06 PM • [link]
Goodness gracious Great Balls of Fire!
Maite said on 01.16.13 at 10:11 PM • [link]
Anyone else feel like they’ve seen that wolf somewhere else before? It’s driving me crazy. And I’m not searching for “wolf shifter cover” on Google Image Search. I can see how rule 34 applies.
Fullybooked said on 01.16.13 at 10:33 PM • [link]
Cassie learned the hard way careful what you wish for. Abs of steel, beautiful biceps, luscious legs why hadn’t she mentioned a face?
Eyelandearth said on 01.16.13 at 10:49 PM • [link]
When I flip the coin in the air, choose heads or tails.
Vicki said on 01.16.13 at 10:51 PM • [link]
Maybe if I set my hands on fire, I can thaw this ice and break my legs free.
(True story - I once had a college roommate who liked to set her hands on fire.)
Vicki said on 01.16.13 at 10:52 PM • [link]
You think they’re nipples but they’re really eyes. Which is why I don’t need a head on top of my shoulders.
harthad said on 01.16.13 at 11:40 PM • [link]
1) “No, I’m not PullMyFinger Viking! In fact, I advise you not to pull my fingers at all.”
(I feel obliged to point out that PullMyFinger Viking also has no legs…must be a Viking thing.)
2) “The Stygian gave good head. His own.”
Eherbert said on 01.17.13 at 03:39 AM • [link]
Just want to point out that Lord FireIce is using his private parts as piranha bait.
Carol said on 01.17.13 at 04:30 AM • [link]
Thank goodness he was able to melt the ice from his upper body with the fire that magically appeared out of his hands! He was so grateful. He was positive in no time that he would melt his lower body free from all that ice as well. He just hoped that ship in the distace was coming for him. He couldn’t wait to tell his story. What a transformation.
Anony Miss said on 01.17.13 at 05:10 AM • [link]
“Damn,” Stygian mused. “I thought ‘topless’ modeling was something entirely different.”
Maureen said on 01.17.13 at 07:08 AM • [link]
Has a magic trick ever gone more wrong?
Cate said on 01.17.13 at 07:22 AM • [link]
“Oh Stygian - just because your girlfriend called you a knobhead doesn’t mean you have to put your head ON your knob !”
Jesse Hayworth said on 01.17.13 at 09:34 AM • [link]
Stop, drop and roll. Stop drop and roll!!
megsan said on 01.17.13 at 06:34 PM • [link]
For the Stygian’s cover”
So this is what they mean by “all brawn, no brains”...
facebook-1487139404 said on 01.17.13 at 09:48 PM • [link]
And now, ladies and gentlemen, watch and be amazed as I bounce this tiny ship off my bicep and through the pillar of fire!
facebook-1487139404 said on 01.17.13 at 09:55 PM • [link]
As he reveled in the heady cloud of the joint he just lit up, Stygian tried to remember where he’d put his shirt while noticing the extra large dog standing behind him.
KarenF said on 01.18.13 at 12:31 AM • [link]
Very little is known about Prometheus’s Norwegian cousin Pyrometheus.
SB Sarah said on 01.18.13 at 08:43 AM • [link]
“Dumb ways to die… so many dumb ways to die…”
Chrisbookarama said on 01.18.13 at 08:55 AM • [link]
Lord of Fire and Ice: The product development team at KY were taking “tingling sensations for him and her” too far.
Shae Connor said on 01.18.13 at 09:01 AM • [link]
The Lord of Fire and Ice is happily married. His wife is not. She goes all the way to the floor.
(h/t to the late, great Victor Borge)
Yaara said on 01.18.13 at 09:20 AM • [link]
Light of my life, fire of my loins; legless in appreciation of your beauty.
Jdalrymple said on 01.18.13 at 12:16 PM • [link]
Liar Liar Hands on Fire
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